


"I'm Levi's"

by pinkheichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blindfolds, Eren Loves Levi, Eren and Levi are fuck buddies, Eren loves Levi so much, Eren will cry a lot, Explicit Sexual Content, Face-Fucking, Fluff, Gags, Gentle Sex, I swear, Implied Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Levi had a bad past, Light Bondage, Love, M/M, Mirror Sex, Multiple Sex Positions, One-Sided Love, One-Sided Relationship, POV First Person, Porn With Plot, Rough Sex, Shameless Smut, Smut, Switching, Tall Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Unrequited Love, because levi can't love for certain reasons, but levi doesn't love eren, eren is okay with being fuck buddies, first comes the smut then comes the plot, fuck buddies, one chapter has, riren - Freeform, there is so much angst, this story will get better after the first ten chapters, tied-up Eren, various smut scenes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 11:05:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 258,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5583451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkheichou/pseuds/pinkheichou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Eren met Levi he developed a crush on him and even confessed to him; the confession resulting in a rejection. However, that was not the end for both of them - which Eren had thought - because Levi offered him to become fuck buddies—having sex without any feelings. Eren was okay with that, as long as he would stay by Levi's side. The important question, though, arose faster than Eren wanted to admit. How long could he endure that one-sided love?</p>
<p>Now with fic art <a href="http://pinkheichou.tumblr.com/post/162745760971/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-okay-so-fizzy-fizzyxox-drew">here</a> and <a href="https://laazyaf.tumblr.com/post/171963258311/i-didnt-draw-spoilers-so-if-you-havent-read">here</a>!</p>
<p>P.S.: NOT DISCONTINUED! Slow updates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Being Levi's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Edit]: The first few chapters don't have a plot that is as detailed and heavy as in the upcoming chapters. There are also many smut scenes. My writing style isn't the best at first either. But all I can tell you is that the plot and writing gets better, but of course it's up to you to decide whether you trust my words and whether you believe in an improvement of the story after reading the first 5-10 chapters.
> 
> [Edit 2]: Oh, fuck it. Yeah, the beginning chapters aren't the best ones characterization- and plot-wise. So what? Even if I didn't get hate or harsh comments because of this, there is one thing I wanna tell ya all because it won't leave my head until I've said it out loud once: Read this fic. Read it and you'll fucking experience a journey of how I developed as an author. Having started at the very bottom, with a very limited amount of vocabulary, no various writing techniques and a lack of conveying feelings well within my writing, I improved quite a bit as time passed and I wrote more, which makes this story here mean a lot to me. It may not seem like this at first, but the plot will deepen, there's going to be heavy angst and some scenes will turn out complex. You'll love and you'll hate characters, and you'll cry. I apologize for the excessive amount of smut scenes at the beginning, I used to be naive when I first started writing the story.
> 
> [Edit 3]: I have the honour to mention my editor for this fic, it's [faithful-fanatic](http://www.faithful-fanatic.tumblr.com). Thank you so much for your efforts, love!! ^~^
> 
> Sorry if I came off as rude with this, I never meant to.
> 
> You can find me no tumblr under the username [pinkheichou](http://www.pinkheichou.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy reading

**Eren**

I sat on the couch, with a coffee in my hand, waiting for Levi to come home. He would be exhausted from work again and I knew what he wanted everytime after a stressful day at work, so I had already prepared myself for what would come next. I sat here, wearing one of Levi's shirts -which was way too big for me- and boxers, staring at the ceiling and humming some random song that had come to my mind while I was killing the time.

Finally, I heard that familiar 'click' coming from the door and the next second Levi entered the room. I stood up and put my cup down on the table, sending him a bright smile, more or less.

"Welcome home." I greeted him.

"I'm home," he growled as he took his shoes and jacket off.

"How was work?"

"Shitty."

He had reached me by now and pushed me back on the sofa, sitting on top of me. He lifted my chin with his index finger and smashed his lips roughly onto mine. I replied to this with a slight moan, entangling my fingers into his undercut. Levi deepened the kiss and started to unbuckle his belt.

This was something normal between us. Whenever Levi was stressed, annoyed or bored, we would have sex. I was a fuck buddy to him. Nothing more and nothing less.

He slid his hands under my shirt and up my chest, teasing my half-hard nipples while his tongue explored all the sensitive spots on my neck.

"Ah. Levi." I moaned almost inaudibly and ground my hips against his groin.

"Eren. My day was extremely shitty today, so make sure to give your best and satisfy me the best you can," he whispered against my ear, licking my earlobe then.

"Yes." I answered.

Levi raised his upper body and looked down at me. Me who was already aroused to the maximum and only waiting for release. My bulge was clearly visible and my breathing was unsteady, although Levi had only kissed and touched me up until now. My emerald eyes fixed on his steel-grey ones, a smirk appearing on Levi's face.

"That oversized shirt of mine suits you very well. It makes me want to fuck you into oblivion," he stated seductively, taking off my boxers at the same time.

"Then do that."

He took his pants and boxers off as well and cupped my cheek with one hand.

"You little slut, you," he purred, sending me a mischievous smile.

Levi spread my legs widely and angled my knees, his right hand wandering down to my entrance then.

"Wait." I stopped him in his movements. "Wet your fingers first. Please. It's still a bit painful."

He clicked his tongue, but soon stretched out three of his fingers towards me. I took them into my mouth and swirled my tongue around them. I groaned to it slightly as Levi watched me silently, enjoying how my tongue was sucking on his fingers.

"That's enough, brat. I want to fuck you already." He retreated his fingers from my mouth and pushed one inside me then.

"Hah." I tried to adjust to it. Although he had already done this to me several times, I still needed to get used to it. He thrust his finger in and out a few times before he added another digit. His bare fingers made me moan in pleasure, but I tried to keep my voice down.

"Don't hold yourself back," Levi demanded. "I want to hear you moan. Moan for me. For me only." His fingers brushed against my sensitive spot again and again, causing me to let out uncontrollable moans. Levi knew where my prostate was, and since we had had countless times of sex before, he could tease me easily.

"L-Levi... Stop. I t-think... I'm prepared enough now." I shut my eyes and bit onto my hand. This time, I didn't want to be that much of a moaning mess. I had to control myself.

He pulled my hand away from my mouth, while his other hand parted my asshole from the inside. "Let me hear you, baby." After that, he replaced his fingers with the tip of his dick. He gave me another grin before he thrust into me hard.

"Ah!" I shot my head back, my back arching. My body was filled with indescribable pleasure in an instant. I moaned and panted heavily and dug my nails into Levi's arm. My fuck buddy pounded into me again and again, groaning lustfully and grabbing my hips in order to thrust deeper into me.

"Ngh, hah. Yes. Harder. Deeper, Levi. I... want more..."

He did as I wished and accelerated his pace, making me moan louder and scream his name. Levi leaned forward and kissed me roughly, shoving his tongue into my mouth and exploring it. His tongue battled with mine, although it was clear that his would quickly dominate. Levi pulled his mouth back, but continued to push into me.

"You're mine, Eren. Remember that." He said in a lewd tone as he kissed my collarbone.

"Yes, Levi. I'm yours." I answered in between heavy pants.

I could feel how I was close to coming, so I crossed my legs behind Levi's back and pressed my body hard against his. He felt amazing inside of me.

"Levi. Ngh. I'm... about to c-" I hid my head in the crook of his neck and moaned against his skin, occasionally biting it and licking over the bite marks I left.

"Me too." He said before he thrust one last time, causing us to reach our climaxes simultaneously. We both exclaimed a moan in unison, my semen landing on our chests.

I loosened my stiff body a bit and released my embrace from Levi as I tried to catch my breath.

"Good job, brat." he said and pulled his dick out right after that. I bided on the couch and watched how Levi picked up his clothes.

Levi and I were fuck buddies, but it's not like I was really satisfied with that. I actually loved him, but he didn't care about my feelings that much...

\- - -

"I love you, Levi." I confessed to him one day when we woke up from a drinking party the night before. He had looked at me in disbelief, though he knew that I was sober at the time.

"Love? Tch! I don't care about things like love. I'm not the relationship type." I had expected him to say that, but I didn't want to accept it, so I tried to say something that would keep me close to him. I didn’t have a clue how I should do that, but luckily Levi came up with an idea first.

"I know we've slept with each other a few times now. I bet that's why you developed feelings for me, but I can't be in a relationship. We can be sex partners. That's all I can offer you, brat."

\- - -

Being sex partners wasn’t what I wanted, but this was better than nothing, so I had agreed to it. I secretly hoped that, in the course of time, Levi would perhaps change his mind and start feeling something for me, but that wasn't the case so far. My love for him was still one-sided.

"I'm going to take a shower now," Levi told me.

"Mmhm." I hummed in response, not moving an inch.

Levi and I were living together because things were more convenient like that.

"You're coming with me!" He grabbed me by my arm and dragged me to the bathroom with him.

I knew where this would lead to. We weren’t only going to take a shower.


	2. Satisfying Levi

Levi was preparing the shower, while I just stood here and watched him. Of course we wouldn't just shower. He wanted to fuck me again... this time under the shower.

"What's up, Eren? Take off your remaining clothes already." he said, and tossed his shirt on the floor. I did the same and approached him then. He went under the pouring water beams and crooked his finger, beckoning me to join him. I strode to him and was soon splashed by water, too.

Levi brought me closer to his body and planted a quick but passionate kiss on my lips. He then grabbed the shampoo and poured some in his palm. He smirked at me as he covered both of his hands with the liquid, smearing it on my hair and body after that. I remained silent and let him do, knowing that it won't stay like that.

"Shall I clean you, too?" I couldn't come up with something better to say or to do.

"No need to." he replied in an instant, letting his hands wander around my body and soon reaching my lower regions.

"No need for that... I'll make you... feel good now." Levi started to stroke over my balls lightly, teasing them with his thumb and index finger. At the same time, he sucked on my neck and planted hickeys there. I moved my neck to the side and didn't resist. Why should I? I wanted Levi to do that because I loved him. I'm okay with satisfying him, as long as he was satisfying himself with no one but me.

"Levi..." I rested my head on his shoulder and responded to his touch by moving in synch with his hand movements. I could already feel the pleasure rising up in my body and gathering in the area, which Levi was playing with at the moment.

"That was fast. Already hard, eh?" Levi stated, looking down at me first and then at my eyes. I looked back to him with lust emerging from my orbs and now I touched his dick, too.

"Don't you want to enter me as fast as possible?" I asked and began to caress his dick by pumping up and down at an agonizly slow pace, so that his cock was stiff by now, but also wanted the release so badly.

"Oi, brat. Don't tease me." Levi hissed and turned my head back, kissing me roughly as he pushed my upper body against the wall. I moaned to his kiss and rubbed my ass against his groin, himself answering back by penetrating me roughly.

"Ah!" I exclaimed and pressed my stretched arms against the wall, attempting to stand still. Levi took my right leg from under my knee and spread my legs more to go even deeper inside me.

"Hah, Eren." he pushed out a seductively husky whisper next to my ear. "You feel so good. It feels even better to fuck you and not some random girl. Ah." He continued to thrust into me, groaning in pleasure and I did the same. But something bothered me.

"What do you mean by that? Did you-"

"No, I didn't." He interrupted me harshly, not bothering to stop pounding into me with force, but it was such a force, so pleasurably fierce, that it'd still evoke hot lust inside my body. I enjoyed it. I wouldn't deny it. "Don't piss yourself, I didn't do anything wrong." Levi fastened his pace deliberately, which made me an even more of a moaning mess than I was already, Levi himself groaning in lust and marking my body with bites. After that, one of his hand wandered up to my nipple, teasing and squeezing the sensitive bud.

"Ah! Hey! I told you more than once that I don't like that!"

"I don't care." He continued his nipple touching, although I had told him several times that this grossed me out, but... to be honest this time it aroused me that much that it sent shivers down my spine.

"Hah... Levi, ah! I'm about to... Ngh!" I threw my head back and prepared myself for my climax, which I'd reach soon.

Levi pushed into me a few more times before he released inside me, moaning loudly as I cummed soon after. My own cum landed on the wall, while I felt how my ass was filled with Levi's cum once again.

"Woah... Eren. I think I won't get ever tired of you. You're a good fuck." He pulled his dick out and I tried to regain my strength, not bothering to care about the shot of cum that leaked from my hole. I still panted heavily and turned around to see him grinning at me.

"Let me clean you, Eren. You still have shampoo... and other white stuff on and in your body." He cackled at his own statement and rinsed my body. After that, he also washed himself quickly before we'd go out of the shower.

When we were dressing ourselves, no one of us talked to the other, but this silence wasn't awkward at all. It was something comfortable at that time. After a few moments, Levi was the first one speaking.

"Sleep with me in my bed tonight." he said bluntly as he combed his hair.

"S-Sure." I answered, not really knowing why he came up with that idea in the first place.

Later, Levi and I were in Levi's bedroom, preparing the bed to sleep on soon. Levi already lay in his bed and waved his hand at me, telling me to lay next to him. I did so and in a matter of a few seconds Levi had hugged my upper body and dragged me close to him. He plastered a last long and deep kiss onto my lips before he lay back and went to sleep, still embracing my body, so I had no chance to free myself.

I remained stiff and uncomfortable in my position for a few minutes, not knowing how to act now. So, I just turned my head to see Levi and watched his sleeping face. His expression was so peaceful and calm, I loved it to watch him sleep, after all this wasn't the first time that we slept in the same bed. Sometimes he wanted to sleep alone, other times with me. I had no clue what made Levi decide for the one or the other, but I didn't complain about that. I rarely complained about anything.

All I wanted was to be by Levi's side.

When we made the decision to be fuck buddies, we also agreed to let it be only the two of us fucking. Neither of us was allowed to sleep with another person. I of course had no problem with that and it seemed that even Levi was okay with that. I always thought of him as a womanizer, but I guess he could be different, too.

I caressed his cheek softly with my thumb and smiled lightly at the beauty I had fallen in love with, although right now there was no chance that my feelings would get returned.

"I love you, Levi." I whispered, and made myself comfortable; ready to sleep, too.

A few seconds later, I could hear him saying "Tch, I know. Brat." in an almost inaudible voice before I drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm, this chapter was kinda meh I guess.


	3. A Week Without Levi

I was in my office, doing work that needed to be finished soon. It was actually so much I had to do, my exhaustion was already showing off on my face and if I could, I'd have already slammed my head on the table and dozed off. Everything was so tiring. I needed distraction.

I wanted to be with Levi now.

But my fuck buddy was on a business trip for one week and today was his last day before he'd come home. A week without him was... I didn't know, maybe upsetting or perhaps it was okay like that. Like that, I had the time and chance to review my feelings for him once again.

Was I really in love with him?

Was it really okay for me to be just a fuck partner to him?

Could I really play along without feeling as if my emotions were getting stomped by him?

Yes, yes and yes.

I didn't have a problem with any of these.

I could see him tomorrow again, right?

I remember how I told him on the phone yesterday that I would miss him and his body. And all of a sudden he had come up with a silly idea. He had tried to have telephone sex with me, but I hung up immediatly right after he had picked up that topic. As if I would do something like that! A few minutes later, I had received a message from him with the text _'Heh, what a little brat you are.'_

I noticed now that I had subconsciously clenched my fists when I was thinking about yesterday. Geez. Not everyone liked what you like, Levi!

I sat up on my chair, threw my head back and slowly breathed in and out to calm myself down from the stress. After that, I lowered my head again and faced my thighs now.

I wasn't sexually frustrated, was I? I wasn't. Neither did I have the urge to touch myself now. Levi and I hadn't really discussed it, but I think it was obvious for both of us that we shouldn't touch ourselves. For that we have our sex partner. Nevertheless, I guess this wasn't as much important as our agreement to not sleep with another person.

We didn't talk much about our 'relationship' in particular, but we could make restrictions without saying too much unnecessarily. Our relationship didn't differ from one of a couple. But, to my bad, we weren't a couple. Levi couldn't love. That's what he'd tell me every time.

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes. Damn, why was I in a depressive state right now? Why was I thinking of all this right now? Come on, Eren. Get a hold of yourself!

I was about to continue with my work when suddenly someone knocked on my door and the next second Armin's head popped into my room, his bright eyes meeting with my emerald ones, smiling brightly at me and holding two cups in his hands.

"Coffee?" he asked cheerfully.

I smiled back at him, silently thanking him that he came right at time. "Yes, thank you. A coffee is what I need right now." Armin walked to my desk and placed the cup on the table, looking at me then and giving me a huge smile once more. I gladly accepted his offer, raised the mug to my lips and took a long sip from my coffee, sighing in relief when the coffeine spread in my body and let me feel more relaxed.

"How do you feel?" he asked me then. Armin would always feel concerned about me; over the years of being friends it became normal for him to look after me. I was grateful for that. Armin was the best friend one could imagine.

"I'm okay I guess. Work is getting hard, but nothing terrible. By the way, Levi will come back soon, so even better for me."

I looked up from my mug and saw that Armin gave me that disapproving expression that I knew oh so well. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Ugh, Armin. I know that you don't like how my 'relationship' with Levi is going, but as long as I am okay with it, you should accept it, too."

"Are you even okay with that?"

"I am."

"You sure? Eren, I don't want you to get hurt in the end. Don't push yours-"

"Armin." I stated sternly, signalling him that I didn't want to go on with that matter anymore.

He sighed, but soon had his normal, cute expression again. "Alright. Your choice, your decisions."

"Now, that you've asked about my life, I may as well ask how it is going on between you and horseface."

"Eren, that's rude. He has a name. Jean."

I huffed in annoyance and sipped my coffee. Jean and I didn't ever get along, but since he was the boyfriend of my best friend, I had to hold my anger back towards him.

"Besides...", he continued, "Everything is alright between us. He..." Armin put one of his blond locks behind his ear, playing with some other locks as he started to blush lightly and behaved a bit timid now. "He even proposed to me."

I choked on my coffee, causing with that to let some drops fall on my papers and even my shirt, staining it.

"He did what?! Wait! You didn't say yes, did you?" I stood up from my chair, leant forward and slammed my hands hard on my table.

Armin sipped casually on his coffee and sent me a big happy grin then.

"Of course I said yes!" he exclaimed happily.

"I-Isn't that a bit too early?" I questioned cautiously after I had backed up a bit, not intending to hurt him with my words.

"No, it's alright." Armin answered, "We think it wouldn't make a difference if we marry now or later."

"E-Eh... Okay. Well, then... Congrats!" It was only now that I spotted the ring on his left ring finger. Oh god, how could I be that blind?!

"Thank you. You know, Jean and his parents are rich and so Jean came up with a pretty cool idea..." Armin made a little pause to rise the tension, but I noticed how he could barely hold his excitement back.

"Jean bought us an isle in the Atlantic! We will marry on our own island!" Armin literally shouted and squealed like a little boy. Oh gosh, how cute he was when he was happy.

"Your own island? That's great, Armin!" He hugged me and I hugged him back. It made me feel better, when I saw how happy Armin was.

"Don't worry, Eren. I told Jean that I can't live there. I can't leave you, that's why. I don't want to leave my best friend. Jean didn't show any objection. He said that it would be difficult to live there forever, since the provision isn't that easily in a lonely island like ours. We only want to marry there and sometimes visit it for a few times."

"Thank you for caring, Armin. I wish you the best for the future." I think I was about to cry. Even after a proposal, Armin still thought about me and how I'd feel if he were to move to another country. I'm really glad that I met him.

Armin released from the embrace. "Thanks, Eren. I'll send you the invitation soon. We all will go with a huge ship there. It'll be fun."

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Okay, I have to go to work now. Till later!" He exited my office and I made my way to dry off the stains on my sheets.

Armin will get married soon, huh? Wow, he had already achieved more in his life than I did, although I'm a bit older than him. Armin will have a husband soon and I... I couldn't even be in a proper relationship with the one I loved. How pathetic. But I must say that it didn't make me that upset. My hopes were still up.

My back was facing the door, when I heard it being opened again. I turned around, expecting to see Armin again.

"Did you forget something, Armi-"

It wasn't Armin. There in front of me stood a person I expected to see here the least.

"Levi."


	4. Seeing Levi Again

"Levi? What are you doing here?" Levi silently came in, one of his hands in his pocket, his gaze didn't meet mine. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. It really was Levi who entered the room. But why? Why was he already back?

"Isn't that obvious? I got finished with my business earlier than expected and so I flew back home one day earlier. No big deal." He raised his head and looked at me now, smirking slightly as his eyes scanned my whole body from top to bottom. "Yeah, I'm glad that I'm already back."

I couldn't quite grasp what he meant by that, but that didn't matter now.

"Okay... Welcome back then. But... why are you here in the first place? Wait... How did you come in?? Now one except the staff is allowed to enter the offices of the employees.

"I could walk past some girl with brown hair and a pony tail because she was paying more attention to her meal." He shrugged with his shoulders.

"Goddamn, Sasha. Why can't you do anything right for once?!" I cursed under my breath and facepalmed.

I sighed and saw how Levi chuckled, he was probably enjoying how I would get annoyed.

"Well, Eren. Do you want to kick me out now, or what?" His voice sounded very amused.

I pressed my lips together. I couldn't send him back home, could I? That would be rude. Even if it was my working place, he made all the efforts (and made it even through our dumb secretary called Sasha) to see me. Wasn't that... cute?

"You can stay. Just sit down somewhere. I'll continue my work, but don't worry lunch will start soon so we can talk." I grabbed the papers that had coffee stains and examined them. "Oh, and please close the door."

I sat down as he walked towards the door. "To answer your question why I was here at your place..." He spoke casually, but I could hear the amusement in his voice. "It's simply because I missed your body." Then, I heard a click from the door.

I shot my head up and saw how he still held the lock of the door, grinning. Eventually, I figured out where all this was going to lead to.

"No, no, no, no, no! No, Levi!" I sat up and walked quickly to him. "Unlock the door!" It wouldn't happen here, right? It mustn't happen here! I longed for the lock, but he catched my wrist firmly in order to stop me from my actions. I glared at him with wide eyes.

"We won't have sex in my office!" I said threatingly, but this didn't affect Levi at all. His grin even widened. "Forget it, Levi! Let go of me! Unlock the door already!!" Of course he didn't come to only see me!

He tightened the grip on my wrist and coaxed me into a rough kiss.

"Mnh!" I struggled and pounded my fist against his chest, attempting to push him off of me. He held my chin first, but seconds later his hand caressed my cheek, going on to the back of my head, pushing it against his own face to deepen the kiss. I didn't know when it happened, but I fell for his kiss after quite a short amount of time. I had stopped my struggling, but I was still against his plan.

Finally, Levi released from the kiss, looked into my eyes and smirked teasingly. I slowly recovered from the kiss and as soon as I remembered what the actual case was here right now, I stepped a few steps back from him.

"No!" I half shouted. "Just wait at home until I've finished with my work!" I had to stop him from going any further. I couldn't let him do everything he wanted. Sex, yes, but not here. Not at my working place!

Levi scoffed. "Tch, I'm making efforts to come here and visit you and all you have in mind is to reject me?" A mischievous grin was playing on his face, as if he was sure that he was going to get what he wanted.

 _You're the one who rejected my love in the first place!,_ I could've said that to him, but I didn't want to because otherwise this would end in an awkward silence or Levi would explain to me again why our 'relationship' was the way it was.

I turned my back at him, crossing my arms as I went back to my desk.

"Just go home already. I'll leave soon."

"That's a lie. It's around lunch time. You've work until 5 PM. That's quite a lot of time before you come home."

I sighed. "Guess you have to deal with that."

I heard him huffing. "Say, Eren. Do you want to know what happened in my business trip?" Levi then asked.

Huh? Why that sudden change of subjects?

"It was a business trip. What exciting could happen there?" I replied, still confused.

"My superior Erwin confessed to my yesterday late night." he blurted out nonchalantly.

My body stiffened as my head jerked. I couldn't do else than to stay there with widened eyes. H-His boss... c-confessed to Levi?!

I turned around to face him again, but realized that he was already next to me. His expression was emotionless, the cold grey eyes paralyzing me. I started to feel queasy. Not mainly because of Levi, but what he had said just now.

"Y-Your boss l-... likes you?" I asked nervously, my voice cracking here and then.

"Yes, he likes me... _a lot_."

I bit my lips firmly and didn't take my eyes off of Levi. What was the meaning of all this? How did Levi feel about that love confession? Did he accept it?! No, he didn't, right? No way that he would have done that! Right...?

"Don't bite your lips. I want to kiss them without tasting blood." He brought his thumb to my bottom lip and forced it open. A smirked played on his face. I felt how anger was building up inside my body. Not because of Levi, but because of that fucker boss named Erwin! I gulped in order to settle my nervousness.

"Did you accept his love confession?" I had to know it. Luckily, this time my voice sounded more confident than before.

Levi caressed my lips with his thumb. Oh, shit. This was bad. I could feel the sexual tension growing. My body started to crave for Levi's body.

"No, I didn't." he answered with a seductive whisper. His head moved beside my ear. "I told him that I already have someone who I fuck." His sexy voice close to my ear sent shivers down my spine. I sighed in relief, but at the same time I sensed how my knees were going weak. Fuck, I wanted him. Now that I knew that Levi didn't fall for his boss, I wanted him even more. No one was allowed to have Levi! He was mine because I loved him! But... we were in my office now. We couldn't do it here. I had to hold myself back. And Levi, too.

"Levi... No... Not here." I tried to push him off of me, but my arms were weak. Too weak.

He kissed my earlobe and went on to my cheeks. He kissed my jaw line, biting my soft neck after that.

"Isn't now the time in which you have to reward me?" Levi asked, plastering kisses on my exposed neck. "I think I deserve it now. After all, Erwin was such a blond hottie. I could have had so much fun with him. But I didn't. Because I have you." He sucked on my neck, placing a hickey there.

He was doing that on purpose. He had told me about his boss so that I would change my mind and have sex with him. He probably won... No! I couldn't let him do that here.

"W-Wait, Levi." He did the exact opposite and continued to play with my neck, nibbling and licking my skin, causing me to moan silently.

Suddenly, he pushed me down on my desk. I gasped at his sudden action, slowly but surely realizing that Levi was going to fuck me here and now. He stood on the edge of the table, in between my legs.

"Don't! Not here, Levi! Not in my office!" I prevented him from approaching my body any farther by pushing my hands against his chest. "I don't want you now!"

"But your body says 'yes'." he stated, stroking my half hard bulge with one hand and taking off my cravat with his other hand at the same time.

I had to use all my strength not to moan. "M-My body is lying! Don't... Hngh... Don't listen to it."

"Sex at work is some pretty cool idea, don't you think?" He smirked.

I glared at him. "No, I think it's a shitty idea- Hah!"

Levi continued to stroke my dick through the fabric, making my body feel tingly. My arms fell back on the table and I started to breath faster and heavier. Shit, this shouldn't happen.

Now, Levi climbed on the desk, too, grabbed my hands, placed them above my head and tied them up with my cravat.

"Levi...? What are you doing?!" He took off his cravat as well and kissed me passionately shortly after. His tongue explored my mouth and although I wanted to resist him, I couldn't do else than to kiss him back. Levi was like a drug, and I was addicted to him. The kiss deepened, causing me to moan to it. Soon, he parted from me, a string of saliva connecting our tongues.

He licked over his lips, smirking, and suddenly put his cravat into my mouth. I let out a questioning sound, looking at my mouth and then at him.

"As much I want to hear your beautiful moans, I can't let you. We are in your office after all." he explained. "Although I think that no one will here you now, I saw how the employees went to lunch, but well safety goes first. You don't want to lose your job, do you?"

He lowered his upper body and kissed and licked my neck. He opened the buttons of my shirt, his tongue soon reached my right nipple and licked over it. That alone let me feel aroused. I shut my eyes close and tried not to make any sounds. He pinched the bud with his teeth, making me groan slightly. His other hand took care of my other nipple. I moved my arms towards him to stop him from doing any more, but-

"Keep your hands above your head or else I'll have to pin them down with my own ones." Levi ordered, stopping what he was doing and sending me a playful threatening look.

I did as he told, hesitantly, since I actually hated it when he played with my nipples. I already told him so many times!

His tongue was on my left nipple now, his mouth doing the same with my bud as he did with my right one, his hands rubbing my chest. A muffled moan escaped my mouth. He then went on with my stomach and not much later he reached my pants, unzipping them, taking them off, as well as my boxers.

I was fully naked now. Oh god, what if someone came in now?! No, Levi did lock the door, right?

I peeked over to the door, but something else catched my attention not much later. I turned back, seeing and feeling how Levi pumped my dick.

"Just look at me, Eren." he purred.

I rested my head on the desk, the feelings overwhelming me. Pre-cum was leaking over. Levi covered his fingers with it and the next second they were grazing around my entrance. One finger entered me first, the second one soon followed after. A slight pain ran through my body, since my body had to adjust to his fingers again. I moaned loudly, but the gag muffled most of the sound.

"You're so tight inside, Eren. Heh. Your ass missed my cock over the week, eh?" He parted his fingers inside me and thrusted them in and out continuously. I attempted not to let any suspicious sounds out by breathing heavily, but nothing helped. The pain started to turn into pleasure.

Levi took out his fingers, leaving me empty and unsatisfied and then I heard him unzipping his pants. The whole time I looked at him and he at me. His eyes showed lust, whilst mine were full of uncertainty. Part of me wanted him to fuck me and the other part didn't want it to happen at my work place. This was wrong.

He parted my legs and positioned himself in front of my entrance.

"Ready?"

I nodded unsurely, but that didn't hinder him from entering me... hard. I immediately shot my head back at the sudden thrust, crying out. His dick stretched out my inner walls, but at the same time it sent unbelievable pleasure through my body. Surprisingly, Levi showed mercy and let me adjust before he started to move inside me. After a few seconds, he accelerated his thrusts, going faster and harder. My muffled moans and his light groans filled the room as Levi held me by my hips and pushed deeper into me.

"Shit, Eren. It feels so good." he moaned, kissing my neck. I'd have never thought that I'd miss this so much. God, Eren, I want more." Levi pounded harder and deeper into me, turning me into a gasping and muffled-moaning mess. I was almost at my climax.

Levi let out a few more groans, while thrusting and grinning at me and soon he released inside me. I followed him by wrapping my tied-up hands around his neck and embracing him. My back arched as my body ground against his. Levi hadn't stopped after cumming inside me, he still slammed into me, making me reach my climax, too. I let out an indefinable sound, cummed then too, my sperm spurting out and landing on Levi's shirt.

He stopped after that, but didn't pull out. We stayed like that for a while, riding out our orgasms and steadying our breaths. After that, he released from me, standing up and putting me on my feet as well. He directed himself and me to my chair, sitting on it then and straddling me over his lap. I gave him a questioning look, which he replied to with a smirk.

"Eren, I'm not fully satisfied yet. Ride me." Was all he said.

I widened my eyes and shook my head heavily. No. No! That was enough! We couldn't continue in my office anymore. What if people got suspicious and tried to enter this room?!

"Come on, Eren. I want to feel you again." I let out a sound of protest, since Levi hadn't taken his cravat off my mouth yet.

He clicked his tongue as he then grabbed my head and brought my face next to his by letting our foreheads touch.

"Listen, brat. You want it, too. Don't deny it. Don't worry about the place we're doing it at. We've fucked already once at your work place just now, it doesn't matter if we do it a second time." I glared at him, but soon my expression changed to a deafeated one. Damn. He was more or less right with everything he said. I wanted it, but I didn't want it here and now, but again I wanted him as soon as possible.

Levi raised my body a bit and lowered it again, now I felt the tip of his dick brushing against my entrance.

"Hurry up, Eren. Do it already." he moaned against my skin.

I whined silently and wrapped my arms around his neck a second time, pushing his dick inside me, letting it fill me once again.

Levi groaned and threw his head back, his mouth agape.

"Ah, yes, Eren. It feels great. Move."

I did as he ordered and began to bounce up and down, half of me doing it reluctantly, half of me enjoying the pleasure that would spread over my body. Levi let out more moans, the faster I got, but still kept them on a low tone, whilst I would have moaned like a slut- if my mouth had been free. So I just groaned muffled moans and continued to ride sluttily on Levi's cock, going faster as I threw my head back.

"Mmh, oh, shit. I'll come soon, Eren."

I was also close. I bounced a few more times and felt how tears welled up in my eyes. Huh? Tears? Why?

I hugged Levi and came then, covering his shirt with my cum again. Not much later Levi cummed, too, followed by a lustful moan, my inside being filled with his semen.

"Good job, brat. I feel very pleased now."

I hid my face in the crook of his neck and sobbed silently. He parted our upper bodies a bit in order to take the cravat out of my mouth. When my mouth was freed, my sobs got louder.

"Levi..." Tears were streaming down my face now and I couldn't stop them from falling down from my face.

He sighed. "Quit crying, you little kid."

"I-I'm... I'm not a little kid!" Levi released my hands, too.

"But right now you're acting like one."

I didn't know why I was crying. It wasn't that I hated Levi for what he did to me just now. It wasn't like that. I was simply crying for no specific reason. Perhaps my two orgasms had overwhelmed me too much.

It took minutes until my sobs vanished, Levi had remained silent the whole time and watched me in a bored expression. He hadn't felt bothered by that.

After some more minutes, we both dressed ourselves. Well, Levi hadn't taken off much of his clothes, but instead he was busy with cleaning off his shirt.

"You came a lot Eren. The stain won't go away." He chuckled. "Good thing that I still have my jacket. Like that no one will see it." He put his jacket on.

I stayed silent and buttoned my shirt instead.

"Gotta go now I guess." He was about to leave when he suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Oh! Before I forget it." He turned around and walked to me, a grin on his face, and stopped when he arrived in front of me.

"I don't have a boss called Erwin, nor did someone confess to me."

Levi patted my cheek and exited my office then, leaving me all dumbfounded, while I slowly realized what he meant by that.

I got tricked by him.

He told me that lie to make me jealous and have sex with me then.


	5. Side Chapter 1 - After Sex With Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason for this side-chapter is simply that when I wrote this I had to study for exams. That's why I had rather rushed this chapter, tho nothing really happens beside Armin and Eren talking and it is rather short...

I took some of my papers laying on my desk in my hands and examined them. Yeah, a few have cum on it. Fuck. I sighed heavily and threw the cummed sheets in my paper basket. Shit, why couldn't I resist Levi in the first place? And then even on my desk... with all my papers for work. Even if some weren't dirtied by cum, they still were crinkled.

I had to throw away almost everything and start from the beginning again. Oh god. I put my head in my hands, rubbing my face several times, letting out a huff in annoyance.

I then thought about what Levi had told me. What if it wouldn't have been a lie? How would I have reacted? What if Levi didn't want me anymore some day?? How long will it go on like this? Was I really sure to be okay staying in this fuck-buddy-relationship?

I was, wasn't I?

I shook off my thoughts and wanted to concentrate on my work instead. Levi didn't lose interest in me... yet. That was all that mattered now. Though I won't forgive him that easily for playing a trick on me to convince me to have sex with him. And I even fell for that trick. Pathetic. Being in slight anger, I had subconsciously scrunched another paper up which was actually in a good shape, but now not anymore. Great. Another work to re-do.

A person knocked on my office door and for one second I thought it was Levi again, but it was Armin which made me sigh in relief. He watched me in a little surprise before his expression went back to normal. I didn't know what it was that made him react like that but even lesser did I care about such a trivial thing.

"Hey, Eren. I just saw Levi leaving. So he was here? How did he manage to reach these offices? Actually, he isn't allowed to go this far." When Armin has something in mind, he was always telling it without making pauses in between his sentences, just like now. But it wasn't like I minded, he was so cute especially when he was worried about me and things that had to do with me.

"Sasha." I answered him scarcely.

"Oh, I see. _Sasha._ It was her shift today, huh?" He nodded approvingly.

"Yeah, you know her. Unreliable as ever." Something had to come to my mind as fast as possible or else Armin will find out about what happened here earlier. Afte all he was a really smart guy. "Armin? Can you please pass me all the copies from yesterday and today again? I need them." I then requested. I hoped that this would make him think of other things than why Levi was here and what he did... to me.

He raised one eyebrow, narrowing his eyes, and crossed his arms. "What happened with the old ones?" he asked, his voice and tone already revealing that he was suspicious.

I mentally scolded myself for bringing up that topic. Of course he'd ask that! Great, Eren. Well done. I nibbled on my bottom lip and fidgeted slightly, trying to come up with an excuse without sounding too shady.

"I... I spilled my coffee over my works." I replied sheepishly. I think that was something Armin would believe, right?"

"Coffee?" He was sill unconvinced as I could tell from his voice.

"Yeah, coffee. I was a bit clumsy, I'm sorry. I'll make up for that, so can you please give me the cop-"

Too late had I realized how Armin had walked over to my table and had taken my coffee mug in his hands. The cup that was still filled with coffee.

"Hm." His brows wiggled up and down fast as he looked over me with a face that was literally expressing the thoughts _'Oh. There is still coffee in there. Seems that you lied, Eren. Mmm!'_

"Eren, the mug is more than half-full. You lied. Tell me the truth already. What happened to the papers actually?" Shit I needed a better lie.

"I accidentally shredded them." I lied again.

"You're lying again. You had sex with Levi in your office, right? I bet that the sheets caught something that can't be wiped off. Don't think that I'm dumb."

Fuck, why was Armin such a smart-ass?!

"If you know already then why are you still asking me these questions?" The words slipped through my lips unwillingly.

"I wanted you to confirm my thesis, that's all."

I sighed again and accepted my defeat reluctantly. I wish Jean best luck trying to tell lies to his future husband. Sherlock Arlert will reveal every lie.

"Eren, you have your home for that." Armin continued.

"I know. I'm sorry. It was..." I honestly had no clue how to explain.

"It's okay. You don't have to explain. I'm not your superior. Just don't let it happen a second time."

"Yes." I gave him a little smile and he did the same, walking towards the door then.

"Wait! Just one last thing, Armin... H-How did you figure out?" I said almost inaudibly, being all curious about how Armin did find out.

He opened the door, but didn't leave yet, answering me with his back facing me.

"Your hair isn't fixed, your uniform isn't neat and your face is still a little flushed. Your appearance is practically yelling _'Oh, look. I just got fucked by someone.'_ How could I not know?" He chuckled as he made his way to his own office then.

I grabbed my hair and began to blush in embarrassment.

"You can be glad that we're friends otherwise I'd have already died of embarrassment by now!" I shouted at the door, although I knew that Armin couldn't hear that anymore.

God, how I hated it to be so easy to read.


	6. Weekend With Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story still may look like plotless shit, BUT I SWEAR THAT THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN SOON!

Pulling out my baggage and locking up my car then, I made my way to Levi and I's apartment.

I just came back from Jean and Armin's wedding on their own island.

Levi was invited, too, I guess that was an attempt by Armin to bring Levi and me closer, since he really wanted me to be in a proper relationship and so he thought that a wedding was the best choice for two guys to fall for each other, but as I expected Levi had taken down the invitation.

 _'I'm not_ _interested_ _in_ _seeing_ _how_ _two_ _people_ _are all_ _lovey_ _-_ _dovey_ _and kiss and_ _promise_ _each_ _other_ _that_ _they'll_ _be a_ _couple_ _forever_ _. You_ _know_ _that I'm not that_ _kind_ _of a_ _person_ _._ _Besides_ _,_ _we_ _aren't_ _a_ _couple_ _, so_ _don't_ _act up.'_ He had said when I told him the news about Armin's marriage.

Well, I had expected that to be honest. Of course Levi wouldn't go to a marriage. He wasn't that kind of a person, as he had said so himself.

That was why I went with my adopted sister Mikasa there. She was a close friend of Armin, too, and to be honest: I really had my fun there. Even if it was without Levi.

To see how my best friend married the love of his life and to see that they already looked so in love that a break-up was very doubtful was beautiful. I even managed to hold my anger towards horseface back, after all I didn't want to spoil their most precious day in life.

If I think about my own marriage now... How Levi would confess to me and when the right time would come he would make a proposal and I would say 'yes'. How we would then get married on a place, I don't know where - maybe the beach - and Levi would promise me to stay by my side forever and love me for eternity...

Impossible.

Totally impossible. As if Levi would feel and do something like that.

Just now I had realized that I was standing in front of my door the whole time, with my key almost completely in the lock, but the door not unlocked yet. I then heard how someone opened the door from inside and a few seconds later I spotted Levi, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed, one brow raised and giving me that 'What-the-fuck-are-you-doing-there'-look. How embarrassing. I totally lost myself in my thoughts and daydreamed in front of my own apartment. God, if people had seen me here, they'd have thought I was some weirdo.

"H-Hey." I stammered, laughing nervously.

He clicked with his tongue. "Was the door so pretty you had to watch it in full awe?" he asked, the sarcasm overflowing in his voice.

"N-No... I just thought about something." He didn't answer, "Um... I'm home." I tried it with that.

"Come in." He let me in and while I was walking past Levi I thought that Levi would shut the door loudly now, press me against a wall and kiss me roughly... but nothing of that happened. The raven just watched me going in and followed me after.

When we both reached the living room, something caught my nose.

I sniffed the air. "Levi, is that the smell of smoke?" The scent was really faint, but I still could smell it.

"No." He answered, lying obviously, although he didn't sound like that.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Do you think I'm dumb?! I know that this is sm-"

"You are imagining things!" Levi interrupted me with a glare, telling me with that to shut up already.

I sighed and decided not to go on with that anymore. It was no use.

"Fine. I'll go and unpack my bags." I went to my room while Levi made his way to the couch, plumping on the soft soft and remaining wordless.

In my room I thought about the situation just now. Levi and I had rarely little fights like the one from before, I had that feeling that it was so unnecessary to act like that. I didn't want that. I hope my fuck buddy wasn't too pissed-off right now, although I should be the one to be pissed-off. Whatever, I'll try to brighten the mood up.

When I entered the living room again, I spotted Levi laying on the couch, reading a book. He lay on his back whilst his upper body rested on the arm-rest, his leg angled and parted a bit. With his book in front of him he could see me.

Perfect.

I sneaked to him, trying not to make any noises and jumped on the couch then, sitting in between his legs with my upper body on his chest. Levi didn't get scared by my sudden surprise, but I bet Levi didn't expect it either.

"Don't attempt to cuddle with me, brat." Was all he said.

"I'm not trying to." I replied, snuggling his shirt, _obviously_ trying to make myself comfortable on his chest. "I just don't want us to start fights." I pouted and looked up at him with puppy eyes.

Levi sighed and put his book away, although he didn't sound that annoyed. On the contrary, I didn't think that he disliked my cuddle that much. This was no reason to get wrong ideas, though. Levi wasn't someone who would do lovey-dovey things - such as cuddles - with me, I was aware of that. It was just that I knew that we'd do something else sooner or later. So why not now?

"Levi, did you miss my body?" I said in a seductive tone, biting the tip of my pointer finger and chuckling lightly.

He grabbed me under my armpit and pulled me up, so that my face was close to his now.

"What if I did?" he answered as lustful as I did just now.

"Mmh~ I don't know. You tell me."

He placed one of his hands under my chin, raised my face and kissed me passionately, his tongue finding access to my mouth immediately and exploring it the next second. I moaned to the kiss, moving my lips in synch with his and putting one hand on the back of his hair and pressing then to deepen the kiss.

Soon he released his lips from mine. I whined because of that and wanted to feel his lips one more time, but Levi's head backed up, shaking his head slightly. I gave him my cute puppy expression again.

"I have a better idea." he stated, "Just relax and let me do."

After sending him one last pouting look, I rested my body on his, sighing. Levi moved his hand around my neck, rubbing my collarbones with his fingers then. Even if it was a sole touch, I already shivered in excitement from the touch on my sensitive skin. I knew where all this will lead to. And I let it happen.

Levi's hands moved downwards to the hem of my shirt, slipping under it then. The fingertips traced on my stomach, motioning in circles and reaching my nipples after that. I whimpered from the sensation while my back arched a bit. I attempted not to moan out loud. Not yet. I had to pull myself together. Being that much aroused from touches? That was ridiculous.

"Do you feel good?" Levi aspirated, his mouth next to my ear, licking over my earlobe.

I nodded and covered my mouth with my right hand to prevent any moans to escape from my mouth.

Levi pinched my buds slightly which made me whine and wince at the same time. A shiver ran through my body and I felt the bulge growing under my pants.

"L-Levi." I opened my mouth a little bit, "Do it already. I can't take it. Don't tease me."

He snickered. "You are so greedy, you know?" I just shrugged to his question.

Not much later Levi's hands were in my pants, gripping my dick tightly. I groaned lightly at the touch, throwing my head back on the crook of his neck, closing my eyes and parting my mouth. Levi began to pump up and down, slow at first, fastening when he saw how I started to jerk my hips and moan here and then.

"S-So good. More." Levi's hand movements went faster, his fingers coating my cock with my pre-cum soon in order to rub more smoothly. My moans got louder with every pump, enjoying how my dick got pleased by such skillful fingers.

"Moan my name." he ordered, amused.

"Levi." I groaned, feeling how I was close to cum. "Levi... Hah. I'll come soon."

"Come as much as you have to." he spoke.

He fastened his pace even more, making me pant and moan like a mess, my body arching sharply when I came on his hands. I had jerked my hips forward when that happened and had cried out a long moan.

I fell back on Levi's body then and did my best to regain my strength after the orgasm, breathing in and out heavily.

Whenever Levi and I did it - no matter if sex, handjob or anything else - Levi could always make me feel overwhelmed. Nothing felt similar to something we did before. This time was the same.

"You came a lot. Look, you made my hand dirty." Levi stated in a teasing voice, holding his hand up to the front of my face.

I huffed in amusement. "You said I could come as much as I wanted to and no one said you had to keep your hands on my dick when I released."

"Whatever." He took some tissues and wiped the semen off.

"Did you come, too?"

"Not at all. I'm barely hard."

He was telling the truth. His groin wasn't really poking my back. What a waste. I couldn't let him be like that, right?

I turned around, lowered my body to the level of Levi's hips, looked up at him one last time, sending him a huge smirk and unzipped his pants after that.

"I can't let you half-done like that. Don't worry, I'll take care of it~" I cooed, freeing his half-stiff member from his boxers, taking it in my hands as I examined it with delight.

"You sure you can deal with my dick, kid?" Levi asked in a sarcastic tone.

I grinned while I didn't take my eyes off of his huge cock. "Of course I can. And I'm not a kid anymore." I opened my mouth and licked the tip of his dick first. One hand of mine was busy with gliding up and down, making Levi harder. When I reached the shaft, I directed my fingers to his balls, playing with them. Meanwhile, Levi took a sharp breath, letting out a low groan while his hands buried themselves in my hair, pulling at them lightly.

"Fuck, Eren. Take it in completely." he demanded, bucking his hips.

I chuckled and took everything of him in my mouth, deep-throating. A soft moan escaped my mouth, the sound vibrating against his length. Soon I started to move my head up and down as my tongue was swirling around, licking the sides down and then up again. Levi's dick was rock-hard by now, himself groaning lewdly and supporting me by pulling at my hair.

"Shit, Eren. You're so good. I'll release soon."

Oh, please come, Levi. I want you to come inside me. I want to taste your cum.

I accelerated my pace and sucked harder, making Levi moan louder and his body tense from excitement. With a last loud moan he spurted out his white liquid, and I caught it with my mouth. I took everything in and swallowed hard. After licking everything up from his dick, I released from him and raised my body.

Wiping my mouth off, I watched him while giving him a sly look. He smirked at me and breathed heavier than normal.

"Well done, brat."

I hid my face by wrapping my arms around his neck and I could feel how my cheeks turned a slight red. Levi didn't hug me back, but neither did he pull me back. Did I really just do that?? God, what a greedy ass I was. And now what I did was even slightly embarrassing for me.

I sighed. Having sex and doing dirty things without feelings. That was how a fuck-buddy-relationship would work. I was aware of that, of course. I had feelings for Levi, but Levi didn't return them. So all we were at the moment was fuck buddies. Was I really satisfied with that? I didn't know why I had this feeling now, but somehow I thought that...

What happened just now didn't feel right.


	7. Doubting Levi's Seriousness (1)

Weeks had passed and nothing had changed. I was still Levi's fuck buddy and Levi still fucked me without having any feelings for it. I on the other hand had still feelings for him. But somehow I sensed how that feelings had changed slightly.

I think it was after Armin's marriage. When Levi and I touched each other. Even though I was in love with Levi, I doubted that Levi would stay by my side forever. He had no reason for that and I didn't know how much he actually cared about my emotions. I bet not much. Why did he come up with that idea of being fuck buddies in the the first place? Wasn't it actually pretty likely that one day the raven will get tired of me? What then? Will he leave me? More importantly, wasn't he already sick of me? How serious was our fuck buddy relationship to him?

What if... What if he was chea-

No!

Levi wouldn't cheat on me, right? He wouldn't do that! If he didn't want me than he would leave me right away, even if it would hurt me when he did that. But never ever would he cheat on me... would he?

As far as I knew, Levi was bisexual. On top he was an attractive man. I bet plenty women would fall for him and I think there might be even men who would gaze at him a second too long. Would Levi really take the opportunity and sleep with another person if they offered him that? Would Levi really do that?

Urgh! Why was I thinking of that right now?! Everything seemed to be alright between us so why was I making a fuss about nothing?! Why was I reflecting my situation in the first place? I'm-

My train of thoughts got interrupted by my ringing phone. I pulled it out and saw that it was Armin calling. I answered the call.

"Hey, Armin." I greeted him.

"Hey, Eren. How are you?" he asked with his usual happy voice.

"I'm fine." Although I wasn't really that okay right now, as I noticed myself just now, I didn't want to annoy Armin with that. But the dumb person I was, I hadn't controlled my voice enough and let a slight nervousness accompany my tone.

"Eren," Armin sounded concerned now, "Don't tell me lies. You aren't alright. I can hear that, even if we are only talking through the phone."

"I'm fine! Really! You don't have to worry about me all the time! I'm not your child!" I literally shouted at him, but regretted it right away.

"Eren-"

"I'm sorry, Armin. I didn't want to raise my voice. I'm truly sorry. I just don't want you to have to comfort me all the time." It was right that Armin and I were best friends. He would always help and comfort me whenever I had problems. But I didn't want him to do that all the time for me. Not because I felt annoyed of that, but perhaps Armin was already sick of dealing with my problems. It was always him to cheer me up, and rarely the other way around. My friend was happy 24/7, he didn't need someone in case he felt shitty.

"It's okay, Eren. Look, I am your best friend. Of course I want to help you whenever I can, after all I don't want to see you being upset."

"Thank you for these nice words." I felt so grateful for having such a friend as Armin.

"Why don't you come and visit me?," he continued, "That's actually the reason why I called you. Jean and I are back from our honeymoon and we've already moved to our new house and have set everything. I would be really glad if you'd come."

I smiled. It was a genuine smile. "Okay. I'll be there in 20 minutes."

"You know my new address, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay... then see you soon, Eren."

"See ya."

I ended the call, staring at my phone screen for a few seconds. I think distraction was what I needed now. I can't think about Levi and our relationship all the time. But at that time I couldn't know that this topic would appear again very soon.

~~~~~

When I had arrived and saw Armin's new house in front of me, all I did was gazing in awe. The mansion was so huge!

Goddamn, why was horseface the rich one and not me?!

I huffed in annoyance - maybe even a bit in jealousy - and made my way to the door then. There I was greeted by Armin with a tight hug. I hugged him back.

"Levi?" he whispered into my ear.

Of course, Armin could tell right away what would bother me.

"Yeah." I answered.

He let me in and the first thing I did was to marvel at his living place. It was indeed huge and some things lookes really expensive, but all in all one would feel home sweet home here.

"Jean will be off soon. Meeting with Reiner and Bertholdt, so we'll be alone in a few minutes." Armin stated in a casual manner.

He motioned for me to sit on the couch and when I did so, I was embraced by cosiness. Yeah, I bet living in this house would be so comfortable, though that didn't mean that I hated Levi and I's apartment. Not at all. I guess that going out and visiting someone else's place was a good thing to do at some times. Armin gave me a bright smile before he went off, probably to the kitchen.

"Coffee?" he shouted from the other room.

"Yes." I yelled back.

It didn't take long and my best friend was back with two filled cups and a basket full of cookies and other sweets. He gave me one of the mugs and sat next to me then, sipping on his drink and smiling at me again after that. I did the same as him and when I had lowered my cup to my thigh, he started to speak up.

"What is your problem with Levi?"

I was a bit taken back by his question and didn't know how to answer at first. "I-"

We were interrupted by a door being opened and then closed again as we saw then how Jean exited a room and entered the living room where we were sitting.

"Hey, Armin. I'm going n-" he stopped talking when he spotted my face, looking confused and annoyed at me. "What the fuck are you doing here, Yeager?!"

"Jean!" Armin spat at him, "What is that for a question? Of course, I'll let Eren visit me occasionally and you know that! Don't say things like that!" Armin stood up and forwarded towards Jean. Meanwhile, horseface was still glaring at me.

"I swear, don't come close to my Armin!" he exclaimed as he was shoved out of the room by said person, resisting his pushes a bit. I sticked my tongue out at him and received even more death glares, which I ignored greatly. Armin growled as he pushed his husband, sending him outside.

"Don't you dare touch Armin! Or else I will twist your neck, Yea-"

More couldn't be heard of him anymore because Armin had already shut the door, sighing deeply then.

"I'm sorry, Eren. It's just that Jean got even more protective over me since we've married. That you two _still_ hate each other is one thing, but his jealousy is another one." he rolled his eyes discreetly before he sat back beside me.

"To me, Jean is an asshole, but I think he makes a really good husband. He actually cares for you and only that counts." I retorted, making my friend blush sightly.

After a few moments he said, "Well, enough of that," he folded his hands and rested his chin on them, tilting his head as his big blue eyes locked with my emerald ones. "Now tell me what is up with you and Levi."


	8. Doubting Levi's Seriousness (2)

  
_What was wrong with me and Levi?_

Nothing, I guess... right?  
  
"T-There's no problem with me and Levi. Everything alright." I retorted, my insecurity evident in my voice.  
  
Armin looked at me with disappointment written all over his face, knowing that I hadn't told the (whole) truth. Wait, was that even a lie? I didn't really know. I mean, yes, I had my doubts about Levi when I was home alone today, but that wasn't something serious, right? Levi and I hadn't any problems, had we? Okay, Levi didn't have any anyway, he didn't have to care about me after all. But what was with me? How long can I go on like tha-  
  
"Eren. You're spacing out." Armin interrupted my train of thoughts, making me startle a bit.

"Oh! Yeah, I'm sorry. I... I just thought about some nonsense."

He sighed lightly. "Was that 'nonsense' Levi?"

There we go again. Sherlock Arlert. Telling lies would be useless now. I sipped my coffee to waste a bit of time as I thought of how to answer. "What makes you think that?" Great, Eren. Well done. Now we'll talk about Levi more than ever!

"Eren," he placed one hand on my shoulder as he spoke to me with a concerned expression on his face, "do you really feel alright? Do you really think that you want a relationship like that with Levi? I mean, he may not have any feelings towards you or any other one, but can you accept that and go on like that?"

The things Armin had just asked me were a bunch of questions and I had to re-think all of them before I could find a final answer. I lowered my head as I took a deep breath and answered, "I'm fine, Armin. Really. I don't mind if Levi and I aren't in a proper relationship." I gave him a weak smile and on top of that... The worst thing now was that I didn't know whether what I told just now was really how I truly felt or not. It was, wasn't it? All that counted was to be by Levi's side, right? To love him, even though he didn't like me back. But... who said I was his only fuck buddy? Like, maybe there was another one that Levi fucked... maybe even a woma-  
I shook my head. No, that couldn't be. Only I could be his sex friend. After all, we had agreed to not sleep with another one! Yes, there was nothing to worry about.

"Eren, your hands are shaking." the blond stated in a worried tone, looking down at my hands. I did the same now and eventually noticed that the coffee in my mug was shaking because my hands were trembling. I tightened the grip around my cup to stop the shiver.

"Eren-"

"I'm fine, really. You don't have to worry, Armin." I reassured him, sending him a brighter smile now, but again that didn't convince my friend in the slightest. My smile fell as I watched him, his sad expression making me upset, too. "I- I don't want to lose him." I admitted then.

"There is no way to you have or are going to lose him if- if..." it seemed that he didn't want to continue, but I knew very well what those unspoken words were.  
He didn't want me to be together with the raven. "Oh, I know what your thoughts are," I rolled my eyes as I waved with one of my hands, "You want Levi and I to only be friends or should I say return to ones because like that it would be better for me." But I didn't agree with him at all.

"Wait, Eren. I don't want to force you to anything!" my best friend denfensed himself, slightly offended and pouting because of what I was accusing him of.

"You want to know how I think about that? I don't want that!" I spat as I raised my voice a bit. God, why was this making me so hot tempered and moody?!

"Eren..." the blond wrapped a hand around my neck and let our foreheads touch as he closed his eyes and spoke quietly, "Eren, I just want you to be happy. The worst thing for me would be you ending up sad and I don't want something like that. If you say that you are alright now, then I don't want to ruin that. I can sense that something bothers you a bit, but that might not be so important, right? After all, nothing can work out perfectly." he let out a chuckle and I couldn't do else than to do the same as him. I was relieved that the tension from before was gradually fading away. Only my best friend and me. When was the last time that we could be together like that? It was so long ago.

After a time, I wrapped one arm around his shoulder, embracing him as my other hand still held the mug. "Thank you for being there for me." I whispered, tightening the hug. I was really glad that I had a friend like him. He was so caring and always wanted for his friends to be happy, even if it meant to care less about his own happiness, but since he never had any problems, there was no worry that he would be upset at any time. Well, if he was then because he would see how his friends were sad.

"Of course, I'm here for you. I'm your friend." I could literally feel how he smiled now and so did I. This moment was so relieving that we both didn't even hear how a certain someone had returned back.

"You two are _too close_!" Jean yelled, making me wince and shriek in shock as I accidentally let my cup fall down on the floor.

"Jean!" Armin shouted back at his husband, giving him a glare.

"Oh, God. I'm sorry, Armin. I dropped the mug and now coffee is spilled over the floor." I apologized to him as I scowled at Jean as well.

"Don't worry about that. Jean will clean it up, right? By the way, why on earth are you already here?!"

He huffed in anger as glared at me, not taking his eyes off of me. "Reiner and Bertholdt got a call on last minute, saying that they have to go to their work place because of some urgency. They're co-workers and so. And actually, I'm pretty glad that I arrived here now because one second later and he would have laid a finger on you, Armin!" Jean exclaimed as he pointed at me furiously, making me stand up abruptly and approaching with rising wrath.

"Godammit, you fucking horseface! Armin and I are best friends and I am not trying to seduce him! Calm the fuck down!"

"I _am_ calm! You need to calm yourself!"

"Oh, no! Stop it, you two!" Armin tried to hold us apart, but his efforts were useless, of course.

After all those years, Jean and I couldn't behave like normal friends. We had too different point views on everything and would have fights about every little damn thing and that was why we hated each other over the years. I think the biggest thing now was his jealousy, although there was no reason to be jealous of someone. Right now we had grabbed the collar of the other as we clenched our fists of our free hand and were about to punch the other. Horseface and I were so close to hit the other in the face when suddenly something of rather someone stopped us to do so.

"Stop it!" We heard Armin scream before he punched us _hard_ in our guts.

Both of us fell on the floor of the sudden impact, clutching our stomach as the pain was running though our bodies.

"Urgh! A-Armin that hurt." I said in a cracked voice, attempting to endure the pain in my abdomen area.

"Where did you learn to hit that hard?!" Jean questioned, his body rolled in a ball.

Armin looked down at us, shock overcoming him. "Oh, God! I'm so sorry. I didn't intend to knock you two out. Does it hurt much?"

~~~~

"Again, I'm sorry, Eren." Armin apologized for like the one hundredths time already as I was about to leave.

"It's okay. I'm not seriously injured." I smiled at him to reassure him that I was really alright.

His face showed relief. "Good. Next time we will talk for longer and I'll make sure that Jean won't be close to us. You two still have so much to work out before you can talk to each other without having the urge to punch the other. I'll go inside now. Jean seems to be on the edge of death, I hope I didn't hurt him too much. Bye, Eren." He waved at me as he went inside, closing the door at the same time.

I hope Jean will choke on his spit... I MEAN-

"Bye, see ya." I waved back and started to walk away.

I then put my hands in my jacket pockets, sighing as I made my way to the city. I needed to buy something. Short time after, I realized that I hadn't heard of Levi today yet. I saw him for a few minutes in the morning, but that was all. He hadn't called me nor did he send a text. I kmew that itwas the day off of both of us, so that he didn't make efforts to hang out with me or to release his sexual needs and desires on me, made me somehow wonder.

Looking at my watch, I realized that it was only 4 PM. Geez, what shall I do for the rest of the day?! Meet with one of my other friends? Nah, not in the mood for that. Cooking? It was too early for that. Waste my time by going through all the shops that I spot? Maybe.

No, what I wanted was to be with Levi. I was pretty sure that he could light my mood up. So I pulled my phone out and went through the contacts to tap on his number. By the time, I had already reached the city and right now I was walking on the shopping street with all the malls and Cafés. It was so full since now was the time when most of the people would go home -or in this case- to the city from work. Fuck this shit, why did I decide to go shopping now at this time?!

My mood got worse after I waited for like half a minute for Levi to answer my call, but he didn't. His phone was off. With an annoyed sighed I put the device back and headed for a specific shop, when I suddenly spotted a certain guy with raven black hair on the other side of the street.

It was Levi, waiting in front of a Café as he looked towards a certain direction. I smiled at his sight as I began to run to him, but stopped in my tracks immediatly when I saw something that I would have never expected. My eyes took in the sight of a red-haired girl with two pigtails rushing over to Levi and hugging him. My smile dropped and my eyes widened when they saw how Levi smiled widely at that girl. Levi smiled? He rarely showed off a smile to anyone, me included.  
Having to see how she kissed the raven on his cheek now and how Levi didn't mind, broke me inwardly.

Wait...

No... Or, maybe yes...

H-He...

_Levi was really cheating on me?!_


	9. Cheating Levi? (1)

**Eren's POV**

This couldn't be, could it?

Levi wasn't cheating on me, was he?

Then why the fuck was he there together with that woman?!

My lips began to tremble as utter shock, pure frustration and confusion flowed through my body. I didn't want to believe that Levi was really meeting another person -and on top of that it was even a woman!- but what I saw in front of my eyes was telling obvious things.

Both, anger and sadness welled up inside me as I slowly shook my head, making tiny steps backwards. It was now that Levi spotted me, too, he looked at me straight in the face, but when he did so, his facial expression didn't change. Not in the slightest. His bored, stoic expression remained on his face as we were both just staring at each other, me being motionless by now, having disappointment written all over my face.  
Levi didn't move as well, he didn't make efforts to walk away nor did walk to me as that red-haired girl still talked to him, even though Levi didn't pay attention to her, but it seemed that she didn't mind that.

I still didn't take my eyes off of Levi and neither did Levi. I wanted him to move over where I was! I wanted him to explain himself! I wanted to hear what he would say! Why he would be with that girl! I wanted to know... but at the same time, I didn't want to because I was scared of what his answer would be. I didn't want to hear from his why he was cheating on me!

So that was why I then decided to run; to run away. The last thing that I had noticed from the corner of my eyes was that the raven still remained at his spot, not bothering to follow after me.

I see...

That's how it was...

Levi didn't care about me at all.

I accelerated my pace as I was walking through the crowd of people, bumping into some and even shoving other out of my way. I didn't care. I didn't care at all if I was hurting people now, all I wanted was to be somewhere where I would be alone. The only place that came to my mind was of course my home; my room.

Tears threatened to come out of my eyes as I made my way to my living place, I blinked several times to clear my view, running like mad as I was attempting to suppress that thought of Levi and that woman hugging him and he wrapping an arm around her waist.

This couldn't be. This couldn't be. This couldn't be! Why was that happening?!

Having arrived my apartment by now, I rushed the stairs up, unlocked the door with shaky hands and entered my home as fast as possible as I hastened to my room then. When I entered it, I closed the door loudly and leant my body against it, panting hard as I slowly glid the door down. As I did so, I started to cry out loud, letting all the tears spill out, flooding down my cheeks. I let out a loud cry as I grapped my head firmly, shaking it heavily and hitting it hard against the door then. My tears piled up, my sight was blurry as I crawled over to my bed, sobbing and choking.

It hurt. It hurt so damn much seeing and realizing that I was betrayed by him. The whole day I had tried to convince myself that Levi wouldn't be like that, but in the end my worries and fears were true. The sorrow and pain overtaking my body right now were unbelievable excruciating, I rolled my body to a ball and cried into my knees as my body shivered from my sobs. 

Why? Why was Levi doing that to me? Did I deserve that? What did I do wrong that Levi would decide to cheat on me?!

I knew that he didn't love me and even if we were only sex buddies, he couldn't do something like that! H-He... He couldn't play with my feelings like that... but he did. I was nothing to him...

I bet in his eyes I was a pathetic human being. A dumb guy who had feelings for someone like Levi and who had the expectations that some day the raven would feel the same.

I was indeed pathetic. A useless, immature man who fell for the wrong guy.

Levi didn't want me. He never wanted me. To him I was really just like a sex toy. Fuck that toy and don't show any emotions. Toys didn't need them because they were just objects.

It took me more than an hour until I had calmed myself down. I wasn't crying anymore, just sniffing here and then. I slowly sat up, resting my back on the headboard as I looked straightforward at no specific spot. There were some dried tears on my cheeks, but I didn't feel sadness anymore. I was staring emotionlessly at the wall now, my head cocked to the side a bit.

My mind was restless and a mess, but there was one certain thought pestering me the most...

If Levi could do something forbidden, than I could do it as well.

Two things. Levi and I had agreed to two things when we had started our fuck buddy relationship.

1\. Don't sleep with another person besides your fuck buddy.

2\. Don't touch yourself in order to satisfy yourself.

One hand of mine reached to the rim of my pants, laying on the zipper. My fingers slowly unzipped the zipper, revealing a part of my boxers. I gulped hard. Of course I knew that what I was about to do wasn't as worse as what Levi did, but better anything than nothing.

Proofing myself that I wasn't weak and pathetic, right?

After I had thrown my last resistances off which had invaded my mind slyly, I eventually tugged my boxers down, revealing my cock. Cold air hit my exposed skin as I looked down, my final debates on whether doing it or not dying off. I then grasped my dick hesitantly, shivering at the sense of touching myself. God, when was the last time that I had done that? It was too long ago and doing it now after all those years felt really strange.

Nevertheless, I pulled myself together and continued by wrapping my hand around my member fully, now starting to pump it at an agonizingly slow pace since I had to become familiar with that feeling first. It indeed felt differently when doing it yourself than when Levi did it to me. Seconds after seconds I then noticed that my body gradually got aroused as my dick started to swell, blood starting to accumulate in my lower area.

I fastened the pace around my length, feeling better now as I my breath went heavier. I put my thumb on my slit, swirling it around as pre-cum leaked out, coating my thumb. I continued with my circling motions for a while, low moans escaping from my mouth, before I rubbed my length down, the rubs being more smooth by now because of my cummed fingers.

It felt so good, I didn't want to stop. I panted hard as lewd groans escaped from my mouth, my hips bucking up in synch with my hand movements. My dick felt almost rock-hard by now and the pleasurable feeling inside me was risen when I pumped my cock very fast now, letting out sounds of lust and closing my eyes firmly.

Tears hit me when I had remembered again why I was even doing all this, making me sob and cry, my pumps going slower.

"L-Levi..." I spoke in a cracked voice, my head falling down on my chest as I pleasured myself only barely at the moment.

"Levi..." I said again, but this time I swallowed hard as I was trying to gain my courage again, pumping my dick a bit faster now, my eyes still shut.

"Levi." my tears didn't disappear, but I didn't care about that, so I just started to simultaneously gasp and moan, crying as I occasionally called out for Levi.

"Levi!" I exclaimed, feeling close to the edge.

"What?" I heard another person snap harshly as they grapped the wrist of my hand which was wrapped around my member, pulling it up.

Being totally surprised, confused and startled by that, I dashed my eyes open and milliseconds after, my teal orbs met with a pair of cold, steel-grey eyes.


	10. Cheating Levi? (2)

**Eren's POV**

"What the fuck is it, brat?" Levi spat as he glared at me, kneeling down between my legs and still holding my one wrist that had been touching my dick several moments before.

Levi was here? In my room? Since when?!

The raven continued scowling at me. I could feel how anger filled my whole body. I frowned at Levi as I tugged on my wrist.

"G-Go away! Let go of me! Go back to your red-headed bitch!" I yelled, trying to free myself from him.

"Don't call my sister a bitch!" he retorted, his tone stern.

What he had just said to me made me freeze in an instant. What...? H-His sister?! I snapped my head up, looking directly in his eyes.

"Y-Your sister...?," I stammered quietly, both, shock and relief, overwhelming my body as I started to shiver for the 5th time today already.

"Yes, my sister Isabel. Her family adopted me when I was a teenager, so she sees in me a brother. Well, actually I am a brother of hers; an adopted one." he explained in a casual manner.

I had to take my time to process all the things he was talking about now. "She is only your sister?!" I then asked again, a faint of disbelief was still wandering around in my mind.

"'Only'? What are you talking about, brat?" the raven released from my hand as he began to get irritated. For good reasons, I guess.

"I-... I thought she was your lover!"

This made his eyebrow furrow as confusion and ununderstanding were written all over his face. "My lover??," Levi questioned, seeming to not be able to follow my argumentation, "Why should I have one? Don't you remember? We agreed to not sleep with another one, only with our fuck buddy." Levi explained it as if it was a matter of course. Well, in fact, it was.

"S-So... Does that mean that you weren't cheating on me?" my hoped slowly got up as my face lightened up, the corners of my mouth curving up very slightly.

"No, I wasn't. I wouldn't cheat on anyone. That's gross. I'm not that kind of a person." he returned to his normal stoic expression again.

Relief overtook my body. I understood the situation from before all wrong. But actually I was glad that my thoughts were false. Levi... He didn't betray me. My breath went erratic as tears streamed down my face. "I'm so glad!" I yelled in a whiny voice. I covered my face with my face, crying even more now. "I really -hic- really thought that you'd meet with another person!"

I heard Levi sighing. "Oh, god. I think I will never ever understand you, brat."

Gulping hard, I attempted to control my tears and speak in a normal voice again. "Levi, I love you."

"Hm. I know."

There was comfortable silence where only my sobs filled the room. My crying eventually faded away, though it took like years for me to stop crying, and in that time Levi had just watched me without saying anything. I guess he always did that when he saw me crying, but I had to admit that I liked it like that. No words should be exchanged, just Levi waiting for me to return to normal. It's not like it was an uncomfortable situation for both of us, after all, Levi had seen my crying for several times already.

I was still wiping my tears off with my sleeves when Levi said bluntly, "Say. What are you going to do with that now?" And then I felt his fingertip tapping on the tip of my dick, pre-cum sticking on his finger.

Oh, shit. I had totally forgotten about that. It was now that I realized that while Levi and I had been talking and then I had been crying, I had lay here on my bed with my hard-on fully exposed the whole time! I wasn't embarrassed because Levi saw me like that -I mean, come on, he saw my thing many times now- but the fact that I had talked to him and cried with a boner was quite embarrassing and now I could sense how my cheeks slightly reddened.

"D-Don't worry. I will take care of it." I answered, stuttering as I tried to shove him off. Suddenly, he grabbed the wrists of both of my hands now, slightly smirking and that was his only reaction on his face.

"You won't do that. Remember our agreement? You shouldn't have done this in the first place."

I pressed my lips together as guilt overcame me. Levi was right. B-But I didn't do that without reason after all! "I'm sorry." I said sheepishly, "I thought that you would cheat on me! That's why... That's why I..." God, I would have never guessed that it was so hard for me to say it out loud.

"You're such an immature person." the raven retorted without waiting for me to end my sentence.

I averted my gaze. "I'm really sorry for what I did." He didn't respond to that. "Do you hate me now?"

Levi tilted his head a bit. "Do you regret it?" he questioned instead.

I nodded heavily. "Yes, I do! I'm really sorry!"

He released my hands while one of his hands grazed his locks.

"I will take care of it."

Levi decided and lowered his head to my still stiff dick. He looked up at me, smirking, first, and licked over my length then. It was just one lick and after that he locked his eyes with mine again, my eyes showing off nervousness and insecurity, before the raven enclosed almost my whole cock with his mouth.

"Hah! W-Wait, Levi..."

My fuck buddy released from my dick with a 'pop', this time not taking his eyes off of what he had in his mouth just now as he just said, "Relax. No need to be nervous or shy or whatever. This isn't the first time I did this to you." His mouth was busy with my member again then and this time I even felt how two fingers penetrated my ass.

"Ngh, ah. Levi..." I moaned quietly, my fingers tangling in his raven hair as I subconsciously spread my legs a bit more, leaning my head back and trying to shake my stiffness of. Not the one in my dick, but the one going through the rest of my body. The raven bobbed his head in a slow motion first, his mouth sucking on my length as the other hand fingered in my ass, stretching it. Unbearable pleasure ran through my body as Levi's tongue rubbed faster against my dick and more groans slipped through my mouth.

All of a sudden the raven released from me, leaving me undone and confused. "W-Wha-" Moments later I saw how he unzipped his pants, tugging it down together with his boxers, doing the same to my clothes.

When he put his hands under my knees and spreaded my legs wider, Levi sent me a mischievous smirk, lining his manhood up in front of my entrance. "A blowjob isn't enough. I want to fuck you." was all he stated before he thrust into me... hard.

"Ah!" I exclaimed as Levi continued to pound into me deeply, giving me barely time to adjust.

It didn't take long until I got used to his rough poundings, lust overwhelming the pain very soon. I clenched my hands around the pillow, moaning with my mouth wide open, Levi himself groaning lowly as he accelerated his pace, going deeper and faster into me and his cock hitting my sweet spot at the same time, making me exclaim lots of sounds of pleasure. For whatever reason, I had begun to cry lightly, small tears accumulating in the corner of my eyes, some making its traces on my cheeks.

"Mngh, ah. Levi..." I pressed my eyes firmly and opened them again, my vision getting more clear now since I had blinked most of the tears away.

"Feels good?" the raven asked, his breath hoarse and hollow, almost whispering as grunting sounds rose from his throat. His eyes were filled with lust and desire, the locks falling down on his face making it hard for me to admire his pretty, grey, small orbs which could have a piercing effect, but also be calming.

I nodded to his question. "Y-Yes. It feels great. I love it. Please, make me cum. Ngh... Levi..." This didn't solely feel good. It felt amazing because it was Levi doing me. Levi and no one else. No one else than the one I loved the most.

"Levi... P-Please... Kiss me, please. I want you to kiss me, Levi."

My lips craved for his touch, the touch that told me that I was Levi's. I and only I. Levi brought his face down, our lips connecting with each other as I fell for that kiss. I moaned to it, feeling how his tongue slid into my mouth, kissing me more passionately now as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I kissed him back more hungrily and wildly, whining a bit as the kiss was deepened.

I was so glad. I was so happy that Levi was by my side and knowing that I was his only one although we weren't a couple, made me feel relieved. For now, I didn't care what the future will look like, all that mattered to me now was that Levi and I were together. I didn't want him to leave me and I didn't want him to have another one beside me. I had no clue how our fuck buddy relationship will go on or when the raven wanted to cut that relationship, but, honestly, I didn't want to think about that. Even though one day I will be confronted with that, but not now.

Right now I was together with Levi.

And only that mattered.

I groaned lightly while Levi was nibbling on my lower lip, parting our kiss then. It wasn't until now that I noticed how my tears had become more. They weren't sad tears though. Levi wiped them off, gripping my shoulders then in order to pound into me as hard and deep as possible. That pleasure -sent by Levi's dick, filling my hole- that still roamed my whole body, brought me to the edge and the same was with my stamina that gradually weakened.

"Levi..." It wasn't more than a whisper, "hah, Levi... Levi! I will come s-soo..." My moans were replaced by heavy pants. I guess my current exhausted state was just because of my crying. Maybe not only that, but because the day was so eventful and tiring at the same time.

"I'm close, too." Levi retorted, his final thrust making me cum on my chest and after that I felt how his semen filled my hole. Both of us were breathing hard, Levi pulling out and collapsing on my body for a few seconds then, regaining his strength before he got up and dressed himself. I remained where I was laying at, soon a blanket covered me. I embraced my knees, too lazy and tired to get off of my bed and shower.

"Levi, I love you." I said out of the blue, not caring if this was out of place now or not. This was just a thought I felt to say out loud, even if I my mind didn't really want to (only my heart) or Levi had heard it many times already.

"Next time you'll meet my family." the raven stated, silently leaving my room then without anything more to add.


	11. Meeting Levi's Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I want to thank you all for your comments! Yes, I know, most of you think that Levi is an ass and you all are probably right haha. I'm sorry that I'm not replying to all comments, but that's simply because I'm not a person who does something like that. I answer only a few I guess. I don't know why. I apologize.
> 
> Well, as for now enjoy this chapter! I love Farlan and Isabel so much, that's why I had to add them to this story! *^*

**Eren's POV**

"Why exactly are we visiting your family?"

Right now I was sitting in Levi's car, turning my head to him, cocking it to the side in curiosity as the raven was driving us to the house where he used to live.

He sighed slightly. "I haven't seen them in a while now. That meeting with Isabel didn't last long last time and you do know exactly why; it was your fault. By the way, next time you see me with my brother Farlan, you shouldn't think again that I'm sleeping with someone else."

I furrowed my eyebrows as one certain thought gnawed on my mind. "Does your family... Well, do they know that... that we two are... are..."

"Fuck buddies? No, they don't know. And they shouldn't know. So, shut your mouth about that when we're there."

"I- I see." Of course they wouldn't know. I mean, whose parents would like to hear about their son having someone they fuck, without feeling love or any other emotions. Every parent would be disappointed by that. "So, what am I to them then? Do they even know that we're visiting them today?" I wouldn't have ever thought that I would ask so many questions, but to be quite honest, I was really curious.

"Of course they know. Goddamn, why are you asking so many questions?" he growled, getting slightly irritated. But I, of course, ignored that.

"I'm so excited to meet them. They adopted you, right?" Was I going too far into Levi's privacy...

"Yes."

"What happened to your real ones?" I asked, though I should have known that this wasn't a question to ask and answer as if it were nothing.

"That's none of your business." The sharp tone in which he replied to me, signalled me not to ask about that anymore. Yep, I had gone too far. I shifted my head to the right and watched how people, houses and other things passed by, losing myself in random thoughts. There was a long silence before Levi spoke up again, "To your previous question... I told my parents and siblings that you are a shitty brat of a friend who would constantly annoy me by begging, insisting on meeting with my family because that's what friends would do."

"What? There is not a scrap of truth in your story! How could you lie to your parents like that?!" I yelled, surprise evident in my voice.

He scoffed. "Tch. It's no big deal. By the way, some things are true in my version of describing you. I mean, you are a "friend" of mine, they don't have to know that it's on a physical and sexual basis... and sometimes you are a shitty brat." Levi explained in the most casual manner, leaving me speechless.

"Okay, wow. Rude. Stop that car. I'll walk the rest to your family." I said, feeling highly offended, but -I had to admit- not attacked. Somehow, Levi was (partly) right, but telling his family that I was a shitty brat... Pffft! They'll hate me, no, even worse. They'll ridicule me. Oh my fucking God...

"You won't get off of this car. Calm down, brat. You don't even know where to go to."

Right when I had unbuckled my belt, I realized that the raven was right... again. "Oh, right." I buckled my seatbelt again, pouting.

"Such a child." Levi commented bluntly while clicking his tongue.

I sent him a glare as I sulked even more now. But soon, my anger faded. Actually I enjoyed this conversation of us. It was... as if we would be a married couple, mocking the other playfully and then we would laugh about our little skirmish and be nice and lovely to each other again...

But of course reality wasn't like that. Neither was Levi the type for that nor are we two close to any kind of proper romantic relationship. I guess I should stop imagining those things, it would lead to nothing. Sadly-

"We've arrived." Levi stated casually as he turned off the engine, unbuckling his belt and going out of the car. I did the same and when I flicked my gaze to where our destination was placed at, I gawped at the house in amaze. It wasn's as big as Armin and Jean's, but it was pretty modern and looked expensive.

Was Levi's family secretely swimming in money as well? Was I the only one who wasn't rich or what?!

I jogged to Levi who was already at the door. "Ten years later and you've finally reached the door." he commented, sighing loudly.

"Is your family rich?" I asked, instead of responding to his complaint.

"Not really. They just earn good money. Nothing more." His answers were short. He then reached for the bell and pressed the button down. "Remember. Don't mention that we two are fuck buddies." I nodded lightly and seconds later the door was flying opened. A big grin was plastered on a female face that was oh so familiar to me. One can't easily forget about a girl having intense red hair in pigtails and even if I had seen her for mere seconds, I could tell that she was the type of person who was joyful and excited all the time.

"Hey!" she literally yelled in our ears, jumping on Levi and embracing him tightly. "You two are finally here!" She cheered happily, squeezing her brother even more. I didn't know that that was possible.

"Oi! Get off of me! You're suffocating me!"

I think I didn't have to tell that Isabel was really clingy and persistant. And again I could figure that out by a few actions of her. I slowly made few small steps back to not be hugged by her like Levi was, but escaping was useless. I realized that the latest when she let go off the raven and sprinted towards me. I squeaked in surprise when the red-haired girl threw herself on me, her arms wrapped around my neck squeezing me to death. I'm honest here, I almost fell. It was a wonder that I didn't do so yet.

"Urgh. Don't hug me that tightly! Okay, I got it. I'm glad to meet you, too! Now, please get off me!" After several attempts of pushing her off, Levi evantually came and helped me.

"It's enough, Isabel." he shoved her inside the house and she didn't resist.

"Okay~" she trolled, going inside by jumping up and down.

"Tch! Still the kid she always used to be." Levi hissed.

"I know, right? The same as ever." We heard a male saying and soon a man appeared from behing the door, greeting us with a soft smile. He had blond-grey hair that had a weird hairstyle, but it suited him well. He was taller than both of us and luckily more matured than his sister. He let Levi and I in. When we stood in the hallway and the door was closed, he then said,

"Welcome, Levi," he turned to face me, "And you must be his friend. I'm Farlan. Nice to meet you." One of his hands was extended towards me.

"U-Uh, Eren. Nice to meet you, too." I took his palm and shaked it, giving back a smile, though mine was rather a shy one.

"Oi, Farlan. Where are Cassie and Richard?" Levi asked impatiently, already walking down the floor.

"In the living room. Let's go, Eren. You'll meet the rest of the family now." Farlan grinned again, directing me to that said room.  
Levi introduced his parents. "This is Cassie Magnolia, Isabel's mother. And he is Richard Chruch, Farlan's father. They both married over 15 years ago and adopted me then."

"Nice to meet you, Eren." they said, bowing.

"The pleasure is on my side." I greeted back, bowing as well.

After some small talks, we all ate lunch in the kitchen. I got to know Levi's family very well. Like that Richard and Cassie have their own company and earn good money, Isabel attends university, studying Arts, Farlan is actually older than Levi (which actually surprised me) and was an employee in an IT company. He maybe will change into video games development and create his own games. Pretty interesting.

What was surprising was how no one of them mentioned Levi's past or why they adopted him. When I had noticed this I didn't dare ask something about that. After all, Levi had a good relation to his family and I guess only that mattered. Of course, I told them about my life as well. I even mentioned that my family adopted Mikasa back in the past because she was an orphanage whose family had died in an accident. I think this was what bond my parents to Levi's ones, though they didn't know my mom and dad yet. It was rather the fact that all four had that urge or need to help other, and in this case that help was shown by adoption. I could already tell that my parents will get along with Cassie and Richard very well.

"We really have to meet your parents, Eren. I would really like to meet them. We will, won't we?" Cassie asked enthusiastically.

"Of course! I'm sure my mother and father will be glad meeting you all." I answered, looking in everyone's faces and seeing how they all gave me a soft smile. Well, except for Levi.

"I'm looking forward to it," Mrs Magnolia continued, "I'm glad that Levi has found such a cute friend like you."

"Cute? Cassie, Eren isn't a child- Well..." Levi retorted, rubbing his chin as he seemed to be deep in thought. So he really thought of a child of me, huh?

"I'm not a child, Levi!"

"Maybe not as much as Isabel, but you are acting like one." Isabel and Farlan started to laugh and I couldn't do else than to lower my head in slight embarrassement. The whole family took it as a joke and actually I was glad that no one saw me really as a childish man.

"Say, Eren. Do you have a girlfriend?" Isabel asked a bit later, her face lighting up in curiosity, Cassie's expression changing to a curious one, too.

"Oh, god. You two are so embarrassing." the raven groaned, rolling his eyes. Was he trying to change this issue because of our relationship? I better get off that topic quickly.

"E-Eh, no. I don't have a girlfriend." I answered, laughing insecurely. From the corner of my eye I could see how Levi was watching me discreetly, his glaring signalling me to watch out what to say. I turned my gaze back to the two women. "What about your studies at univer-"

"Huuuuuh? Why don't you have a girlfriend, Eren? You seem to make a good boyfriend."

My eyebrows twitched because of Isabel's statement as I began to get irritated. Girlfriend, girlfriend! Why making such a big deal of it?!

"Well, you see, maybe I don't want a girlfriend!" I glared at her, my voice being a bit raised. "Yeah. Actually Levi and I are fu-"

Oh, fuck. I shut myself up right after I had realized what I was going to say. Shit, I wasn't allowed to mention a word about it! I heard how Levi let his fork drop on the table as he sent me a death glare. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! This was no good at all!

Farlan furrowed his brows in confusion. "Hm? You two are what? 'Fu-'?" Isabel tilted her head, being as clueless as her brother.

"What did you want to say, Eren?" It was now Richard asking.

"Um..." I stammered nervously since I didn't know how to answer. God, Levi will kill me! "I- I..."

"He wanted to say that he and I are living fantastic lives as singles, goddamn!" Levi interrupted me, sounding as convincing as he could. My heart skipped a beat as I inwardly thanked Levi for saving me from this conversation. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

The raven's siblings watched him in suspicion at first, but soon their facial expressions slackened off and they nodded. "Oh. I seeeeee." Isabel said, "Why making such a secret out of it?! Being a single isn't a shame!" She started to chuckle as Levi just rolled his eyes at her again, letting out a faint 'tch'.

"Whatever," Now it was Farlan, "Eren. Now that you became our friends I would like to invite you to our birthda-

"OH, RIGHT!" The red-haired girl interrupted him, taking the lead of speaking and being all excited over that topic. "Y'know. Farlan and I have the same birthday, although we aren't twins. But that's pretty cool, right? So that's why we want to make a big party and you have to come, too. You will meet so many people and even all of Levi's friends since his friends are ours as well. You will come, right? Pweeeaasssee, say yes!" she begged, pouting.

I smiled at her. "O-Okay. Why not?" Isabel bump-fisted the air as she let out a victorious sound.

"Awesome! Okay, so the party is in two weeks. Let us exchange phone numbers and I will tell you more details. Oh, and Levi you're invited as well, of course." She turned to him while Levi was talking to his parents.

The raven had just hummed disinterestedly, but that was his true nature, after all. He didn't even seem to be mad at me... Or was he, but didn't show it?

After the meal, I exchanged numbers with the siblings, and also the parents suddenly received a call with the request to come to their company as soon as possible because of some urgent matter. So after Cassie and Richard had excused themselves, there were only four people left at the table.

"So, Eren. Anything special you want to do now?" Isabel questioned in her usual happy voice.

I thought for a second. "Uh, I would really like to see Levi's old room!" I then replied, getting curious about how my fuck-buddy used to live as a teenager.

Levi scoffed. "Tch! Fuck, no. I bet the room is full of dust and dirt! No way that I'll step in that room."

Farlan rested his chin on his folded hands, propped by his elbow, putting on an amused smile. "Your room is clean, Levi. Cassie still cleans it weekly over the past years. Don't ask me why, but she does it." Both stood up. "Well, then. Isabel and I are going to play video games now. If you need anything, then tell us. If you two want to join us, do so." They left the room and when they were gone far enough, Levi slammed his fist on the table.

"One job! You had one fucking job, brat!" he snapped.

Of course he wouldn't forget about my mistake that easily. "I'm sorry, really! It just accidentally slipped out of my mouth. I didn't want to tell them!"

"How can you say something like that by accident?! Are you casually telling your friends that you have a fuck buddy or what?"

"No! I'm not like that!" Indeed, only Armin knew about me and Levi.

The raven pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to calm himself down. "Whatever. You wanted to see my room?" It was more of a statement than a question and not much later he stood up and walked out of the kitchen.

I followed him and when I catched up his walking pace, I gripped his arm. "Are you mad at me now?" I asked, worry written all over my face.

Levi's eyes were covered by his locks, his expression stoic. "Not really. Just follow."

We walked upstairs in silence. Levi opened the door to his room, letting me in first. As I was entering the room, I looked around and realized that his room was actually pretty fancy. Most things were black and white, posters of bands were pinned onto the wall, a king-sized bed, he even had an electric guitar and a video console. In general he had had things that were typical for a teenager, but still, his room was giving off somehow cool vibes.

"Wow, your old room is cool. I like it." I commented as I heard how Levi closed the door rather loudly and when I turned around, I noticed how a sly smirk was playing on his face as he locked the door while leaning against it.

"You think so? How about doing dirty stuff in my room?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *snickers darkly* Ahahaha, the next chapter will have LOTS OF SMUT!


	12. Doing H-Stuff In Levi's Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, yeah. I know, best title ever (it's the most horrible I'd ever come up with, but I couldn't think of another one lmao)
> 
> So, it's my birthday today and this is my gift to you all.
> 
> This chapter contains lot of smut (you may have figured out already that I love writing smut haha) and Eren and Levi will try out different positions ah~
> 
> I know that some of you think that this is just a plain story without any plot and just a bunch of porn, but I SWEAR THAT THIS HAS ACTUALLY A PLOT! Every damn chapter is planned out and actually this chapter here will be of great importance (the end is significant so to speak)
> 
> So, please don't lose interest in this story. I'm trying to give my best ;-;

**Eren's POV**

_"How about doing dirty stuff in my room?"_

Was Levi serious?

"L-Levi... you know that we can't do it here. Your siblings will hear." I said, giving him a disapproval look. His smirk didn't leave his face as he approached me slowly. Levi then wrapped his hands around my neck, his face coming closer until his lips almost touched my left ear as he whispered, 

"They won't hear us. Isabel and Farlan are downstairs in a room. Besides, their video game distracts them from any other noises."

I frowned in uneasiness. "But- Hngh!" My words were cut by his lips sucking on a sensitive spot on my neck, giving me shivers and at the same time making me weak to the raven's touches. He went on nibbling and sucking on my neck, plastering hickeys while I couldn't do else than to tilt my head and give him more access to my skin, sighing contentedly.

Fuck. It was always like that.

Whenever Levi wanted to do it with me and I had my restraints, he somehow always managed to change my mind more or less. It wasn't that hard though. All the raven had to do was to seduce me and I was a guy who could get seduced by Levi very easily since he was the only one who I would let to touch me the way he was doing it. It didn't need to be explained why I let him do all that.

The dark-haired male nibbled on my collarbone now as I gripped his hair firmly, cocking my head back as low moans rose from my throat. "See? You want it, too."

Levi aspirated against my skin, his tongue gliding up my neck now to my lips and soon his lips were pressed on mine. I kissed him back as I shifted my head a bit to the side to have a better angle to kiss him while the raven moved his lips in order to deepen the kiss as his tongue found its way into my mouth. The kiss was hot and greedy, here and then I let some moans slip from my mouth and Levi groaned slightly as well. After some more lips touching and tongues licking each other we parted from the kiss, the both of us panting more heavier by now as we looked each other in the eyes, spotting deep pleasure and lust in the other's orbs.

Right now I couldn't resist Levi; I didn't want to. I craved his kisses, his touches, him being inside me.

The raven licked over his lips before he said in a whisper, "Wanna try something new?" I didn't know what it was that Levi had in mind, but I gave a small nod nevertheless. "Behind you." he said, "Let us do it." Still totally confused and my brows furrowed, I turned my head back, trying to find out what he meant. But I still didn't grasp it. All I spotted were more posters on a wall, a book shelf, a body mirror, a beanbag, magazines-... _a body mirror_.

This is what he wanted to do?!

I turned around, giving him a questioning face as to ask him if he was serious and he replied to it with a slow nod. All of a sudden he moved his leg in between my legs as his thigh started to rub my crotch.

"Hngh!" I bit my lip to stifle the moan that wanted to come out, the rub not halting, but in the contrary, it intensified and I had to admit, it felt good.

"Let's fuck in front of my mirror. Like that you can see your own reflection. Look in your face when it's flustered and aroused." Levi whispered huskily, guiding us both to the body mirror as he began to nibble on my neck again. I walked rather reluctantly since I thought that we shouldn't do this. We would make too much noises and it was possible that Isabel and Farlan will hear. And what if his parents will come home soon?!

"Relax. No one will find out about this." the raven stated as if he had read through my mind. By now we had reached the reflecting glass. "You will like it, Eren. And you will feel good."

~~~~~~~

"Ready?" Levi asked.

Jesus fucking Christ. How could I dare agree to this?! Levi was under me, his body propped on his arms and partly on his feet, too, while I was still standing, my legs on the right and left next to the raven's thighs as I faced the mirror. We were both naked and I could see it; due to the mirror I could see everything and noticing how my expression was at the moment, made me feel ashamed. A blush had built up across my face, though my eyes revealed that I was aroused as fuck right now. The lust had remained in my orbs and I was certain that it wouldn't leave my eyes so soon.

This was only my face though. My stiff dick reflecting itself in the mirror was the greater evidence how horny I felt and to be honest, it was no wonder. After all, Levi and I had prepared ourselves by rubbing our dicks together as he had pumped the two cocks simultaneously to make us hard faster. There was no going back anymore.

"Seriously what is up with you, brat?! Sit on my dick already!" he snapped in a slightly annoyed tone as he glared up at me.

I took a deep breath before I lowered my body, slowly approaching a kneeling position. When I was low enough to place my hands on his laps, I did so as I directed myself slowly farther downwards. The very moment I felt how the tip of his dick was brushing against my entrance, I stopped in my moves and gasped inaudibly. 

I guess this made the raven too impatient now because mere seconds after I saw in the mirror how he bucked his hips up, causing his member to enter me, though only half of it was inside me yet.

"You were taking too much time!" he hissed in my ear, thrusting deeper into me. I gasped, something like a moan, and a sigh accompanied, as I held onto Levi's thighs, feeling how my hole gradually got filled by the raven's cock.

"F-Fuck, Levi! Ah!" I moaned lowly, my body acting by itself soon. I noticed how my hips started to bounce up and down literally against my will and Levi continued bucking his hips up and pounding into me while I rather unwillingly faced the mirror, witnessing the whole sexual act from a different point of view.

I could see myself getting fucked, I was able to see clearly how the raven's dick pushed inside me at a fast pace, my legs widely spread, exposing my lower regions and to be honest, in the beginning I hadn't felt comfortable seeing myself like that.

From behind I could hear Levi's almost inaudible groans, his breath grazing my neck. "You like that, don't you Eren? Look at yourself. Spreading your legs widely for me; just like a whore. You're already leaking pre-cum. Watch closely, brat. Watch how my cock gets devoured by your little hungry, greedy slut-hole." he purred, nibbling at my earlobe as he continued to thrust into me, causing me to cry out lewd moans.

"Ah, Levi. I-It feels amazing. Getting fucked by you feels amazing!" I titled my head back, my nails digging into Levi's flesh as our hips went on doing gyrating movements, sounds of skins slapping each other mixing up with the groans that came out of Levi's and I's mouths.

The raven didn't falter in his position and kept shoving his length inside me, doing it more erratic, faster and harder now, making my body feel close. The pleasure running through my veins gathered in my dick and made it throb in excitement as pre-cum still made its way outside. I bounced up and down a few more times, taking in Levi's member completely while I watched myself in the mirror. I wasn't embarrassed seeing myself anymore, because fuck, doing that while watching myself was so damn arousing. It was similar to filming porn, though this here felt so much better. Filming it wouldn't be that bad of an idea.

"God, ah, Levi. Mnh, close." My mouth was widely opened as saliva dripped down my face, my front locks sticking to my forehead which was coated in sweat. Levi made a few more thrusts before we both moaned in unison as I felt cum spurting out of my dick and Levi's semen filling my insides.

After a few seconds my stiffened body loosened again and my upper body sank onto Levi's bare chest as I attempted to calm down my heavy breathing.

"Already exhausted?" the raven asked nonchalantly, his breaths a lot more even than mine, though he also was panting audibly. I shook my head, resting my head in the crook of his neck, sighing contentedly. "Good. We haven't finished yet. Get up." he demanded, getting up from his sitting position, bringing me on my feet, too, in the process. I was still effected by the after-glow, so that my weak knees were almost bringing me down on the floor again, but before that could even happen my fuck-buddy had already thrown my body over his shoulder.

I let out a sudden yelp. "Wah, wait. Don't do that! Let me down, Levi." I pounded on his back, but my protests were useless since my body was layed on a soft mattress seconds after. I looked at the ceiling, a bit disorientated at first, but soon a familiar face with a stoic expression and grey eyes hovered over my head, bringing me back to reality. I blinked a few times and soon my vision caught nothing more than blackness. Levi was actually blindfolding me without giving any warnings.

"W-Wait... why?" I asked unsurely, shifting my head to the left and right.

"Don't move your fucking head, brat." he snapped and I did as told. I could literally hear him smirk. "'Why?' you ask? Why not? We hadn't done it with a blindfold before, so it was time for that now." I could feel how a weight was put down on the right side of the bed and not much later the raven had positioned himself in between my legs, spreading them more widely. 

Wait, why did he want to do it again?! I didn't understand. This wasn't the right time nor the proper place to do it. I'm sure sooner or later we will get caught, and I bet it would be rather sooner than later.

"Levi. No, I- hah!" I stopped talking when I felt how Levi was giving me lazy strokes, making me hard again. He then placed my left leg on his right shoulder, one of his hands holding me by my ankle as the other one rubbed against my length.

"Relax. This time you don't have to do anything." he stated huskily, his fingers teasing my hole now. They just moved in circles around it before the digits were retreated again and soon something else was touching my entrance. It was Levi's hard dick.

I panted while I was waiting for Levi to enter me again, though I still wasn't very pleased about the thought that Levi and I were about to do it again. I moaned out loudly when I felt how he pentrated me all of a sudden as if he wanted to do it in a moment I expected the least, and soon I clapped my hands together above my mouth, trying to muffle my moans that came out louder this time since Levi had decided to show no mercy and do me roughly and hard instead.

"Don't hold back your beautiful slutty moans. I want them to fill my ears, brat." Levi said, releasing my palms from my lips. He grabbed my leg that rested on him and held onto it, thrusting into me from a different angle now. Some hard thrusts later the tip of his cock had found my prostate, hitting that bundle of nerves over and over again, causing me to let out groans, louder than the previous ones.

Getting fucked while being blindfolded was different from being tied up. I had that feeling that the blackness made my body more sensitive and aroused, the lust being spread over my body feeling exruciatingly pleasurable.

While Levi was letting out choppy grunts as his pace gained speed, I tried my best not to make too loud noises and that was why I grabbed a pillow now and buried my face under it, stifling my lewd moans like that.

"You fucking shitty brat! I said _don't_ muffle your moans!" Levi spat once again, tugging at the pillow and throwing it away then.

"B-But your-"

"They won't hear you! Jesus fucking Christ, Isabel and Farlan are _downstairs_ , playing a noisy video game in a closed room. There is only me listening to your lewd sounds."

I bit my lower lip as the raven began to fuck me more violantly and harder which made me cry out lustful moans as loud as I could. My insides felt sore and stretched by now and my hard organ couldn't take it longer.

"Fuck, ngh. Why does it feel so damn good inside you? I will come again." Levi huffed amusingly. "I hope you don't mind, Eren."

I couldn't take it anymore. I ripped off my blindfold and longed my arms forward, reaching for the raven's face. He lowered his head, so that soon our lips were connected and we gave each other wet and sucking kisses. Our groans collided with each other as our tongues battled and tried to explore the other's warm mouth. I moaned satisfyingly into the kiss when I came hard on Levi's abdomen and the raven followed after as he bit my lip, and white liquid stuffed me again.

A few moments later we parted from the kiss, staying in an embracing moment for a while before my fuck-buddy retreated his body from mine. I gulped hard as I thought of something weird.

I... I didn't want this to end yet.

"Wait, Levi!" I grabbed his wrist, stopping him from moving farther away.

"Tch. What is it?" he said in a slightly annoyed tone.

My head faced my thighs now as my cheeks turned a light shade of red. Was I really going to say it?

"I want to suck your cock and you to suck mine at the same time."

Levi's eyes widened for one millisecond, one brow raised in surprise. He started to grin. "Say that again."

I bit my lips, my hands shaking in embarrassment and nervosity. Shaking my head I said, "Don't make me say it again. You did hear me."

"Say it again." the raven insisted.

"No!" I whisper-yelled.

His fingers grabbed my chin, shifting it so that I had to look directly in his eyes. His expression was revealing that he craved for more now as he licked his bottom lip.

"You little pervert, you~"

~~~~~~~~~

"Mmh, Levi." My body tensed up when I felt how fingers entered me while at the same time the raven was sucking me off.  
I was bent over him, my mouth full of his length while Levi layed underneath me, his head right under my dick as he gave it teasing licks. His hands were holding my ass cheeks, occasionally kneading them.

"What the fuck is your problem? You wanted it. So suck me off and make me cum." Levi demanded before he went back to licking down at me, his lips enclosing my member fully as his tongue rubbed up and down against the length.

I moaned quietly, shivering a bit. Giving someone a blowjob while being on all fours and getting sucked oneself was harder than I thought. I had to give all my strength not to let my body collaps and soon my tongue turned back to do its original job. I sucked at the tip and gave it wet kisses, my wet tongue trailing down then before I deep-throated Levi. I groaned pleased, closing my eyes as I started to fully enjoy what I was doing and what I received from the raven.

Suddenly, I jerked my head up, my eyes opened again, widened in shock. "Wha-! What are you doing there, Levi?!" His mouth wasn't wrapped around my dick anymore. No, now I felt how his tongue entered me where his fingers were seconds ago. "S-Stop it, Levi! Please! Don't... Ngh... Don't lick me there!"

I should have known it. I should I have known that he would do something that would make me feel embarrassed! Good, why did I come up with that idea in the first place?!

His wet muscle went deeper inside me, licking and rubbing at my wall while his hands parted my cheeks so that he had a better access. I squeezed his dick tightly as low moans escaped from my mouth and god, I had to refrain myself from moving my hips back, giving in to that -I had to admit- highly pleasurable feeling. I was certain that my face was red like a tomato now, my dick hard and pulsating in arousal.

"L-Levi... enough, hngh." I begged, barely enduring his tongue giving me pleasure at places in my body it shouldn't be at.

After some more licks the raven eventually released from my hole, huffing in amusement. "Oi, why did you stop? I still feel not like coming."

As he was sucking me off again, I tried to do what I was encharged of and went back to deep-throating him. More moans could be heard, little groans coming out of the raven, too. It was then that I climaxed, all my sperm lead to Levi's mouth who gladly accepted and swallowed it.

When he did so, he rested his head on the bed while he pushed his dick inside me, face-fucking. "Shit, yes. I'm close." he grunted.

This was when I decided to open my mouth widely and stick my tongue out, waiting for his semen to seep out. It didn't take long until my mouth got filled with white liquid, though it was that much that I couldn't swallow it all and so some landed on my face.

This was it. I was so exhausted and tired by now, I couldn't lift my head anymore. Instead I let it fall down on Levi's thighs.

"Oi, brat! Don't lay your face there! You make me all dirty with this sticky liquid!" Levi lifted my body, wiped off some of the cum on my face then, and placed me on one side of the bed after that, while he made it himself comfortable next to me. The raven covered our bodies with a blanket, wrapping his hands around my torso. I was able to listen to one last murmur of him.

"You're a good fuck. Though I dunno how long I want to keep you anymore."

My eyes flew open and all of a sudden I didn't feel tired anymore.

_What?!_


	13. Side Chapter 2 - Meeting Levi (For The First Time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a long author's note this time because I want to tell you some things and I need to rant a bit, too.
> 
> I'm sorry that it took me so long to update, but I had rarely free time during week days to write because school was keeping me busy the whole time! I really wanted to write, but I didn't have enough time! Weekends aren't enough.
> 
> The title already say that this is "only" a side-chapter, but this is a goddamn long chapter!
> 
> I decided to write about how Eren and Levi met, when Eren fell in love with him and that thing with the fuck-buddy relationship. I know that there is a little flashback in the first chapter, but I wanted to go into more detail.
> 
> Side-chapters are supposed to be shorter than the normal ones, right? Haha, well, this side-chapter is MUCH LONGER than the longest chapter I have written so far for this story lol. I had a lot more to write than I expected :'D I'm actually so fucking done! Writing 11K+ words is not funny! Not to me because after 6K I desperately wanted to end this chapter, but I couldn't because I hadn't written everything yet! And another problem was that I couldn't even split this chapter *sobs* I'm so fucking exhausted. The proofread took so long, but I'm glad that I've finished now. You have a long-ass chapter to read, have fun, haha! Please, ignore that in the last few thousand words my writing style sucks because writer's block had hit me several times the past few days.
> 
> Anyhow, enjoy!
> 
> (*whispers* Oh, and everything that will be mentioned here is necessary. Really. Everything)

**Eren's** **POV**

That Levi and I met in the first place was coincidence. It was thanks to my co-worker Connie who was ill on that day he had a meeting, that I got the chance to meet the raven. And so I did.

All I knew was that I would meet two people -from the company that is going to work together with ours- in a restaurant not far away from my work place. I was walking to that meeting right now, Armin accompanying me. It should actually be him and Connie, but his cold had to hit him today of all days. I was still a bit confused since my boss had just passed me over the news that I was the one who would be Connie's substitute and seconds later he had shoved me out the door and to Armin who had been waiting outside already. I didn't know if I could do this. I had never done this before. How the hell was I supposed to know how to behave in such a meeting? I guess Armin could figure out my stiffness and nervosity because the next second he was chuckling lightly.

"Don't worry, Eren. Everything will be alright." he reassured me.

"How do you know? I don't know what to do! I-I don't even know if I'm dressed properly for this meeting. This isn't the best of my working uniforms!" I was anxious as hell and all the pedestrians could tell from my expression. I was certain of that.

"Calm down. You don't have to panick. Just be yourself. We're going to introduce ourselves, then our company and the rest will be small talk."

"I can't small talk! I'm bad at it. Good, why had Connie to be sick _today_ _?!_ I wanna go home!" I whined. This was going to be hell for me.

"Eren," My friend tried his best to encourage me. "It is going to be okay. You will see." I answered to him with a pout and a puppy face. The blond patted my head. "You don't have to face them alone. I'm here with you." It wasn't that I was shy, I just couldn't meet with people all of a sudden when they're very important ones. I wasn't prepared for it, but neither did I want to disappoint my boss and the whole company by fucking things up.

Armin and I had arrived at the restaurant and to be honest, I was torn between hating and thanking Connie for being ill.

When we all four had taken our seats, we introduced each other and exchanged business cards. I had forgotten the name of that one man right after he had told it and I didn't bother to look at his card because my eyes were focused on his partner. And I didn't forget his name when he had introduced himself.

It was Levi.

Levi was a tall man, taller than me, had raven hair that was styled to an undercut. And I must say, that undercut suited him very well. He had piercing grey eyes and over all a very handsome face. Fuck, he was the beauty in person. An adonis. No, he was a unique beauty. He couldn't be compared to anyone or anything. The whole time -beginning from when we four met the first time and had sat down then- I couldn't take my eyes off of him. His appearance was hypnotizing me, even though I didn't know why that was. I mean, what if he looked good? So what? It wasn't that I was into guys. So why was I starin-

"You're staring." Levi had stated bluntly, narrowing his eyes and eyed me.

I startled in surprise and embarrassment, and was lost in words for a while. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm very sorry." I bowed my head a little and remained like that for a while, until the redness in my cheeks would fade.

"Tch. Rude." he said and had to be calmed down by his co-worker.

I sent an apologetic expression towards Armin, but he was all cool and attempted to build up my confidence again by smiling and giving my hand an encouraging squeeze.

The rest of the time luckily went without any embarrassing moments... Well, _almost_ _._ Sometimes I still caught myself glancing at the raven and even worse was that most of the time he had caught me doing so. I was praying inwardly not to get scolded by him again and to my surprise he didn't say anything, but put up a little, discreet smirk instead.

Why the fuck was I acting like this in front of Levi?! There was _not_ a specific reason for me to look at him more than necessary, so why?!

I had to calm myself down.

So that was why I excused myself and went to the restrooms. On the one hand, I needed to cool down my face. On the other hand, I really had to take a piss.

After my littlebusiness, I splashed water on my face and took some deep breaths to calm down. There was no reason that I had to think about how I had failed at this meeting already. It may be that I had embarrassed myself in front of people I had just got to know, but it wouldn't affect the future plans of the company I was employed at. This was just a meeting to get to know each other. The important one will, of course, be held between the two bosses. It wasn't like I had ruined the cooperation. It would still happen, there was no need to worry.

I raised my head and looked in the mirror. For some reason my face looked exhausted. Probably because I didn't want all this. Until now I hadn't realized the figure reflecting in the mirror and when my eyes moved in order to see who exactly it was standing behind me, I jumped in shock and surprise.

Oh my fucking god, it was Levi who I saw in the mirror! And his gaze was focused on me. Fuck. I couldn't move an inch, and less did I want to turn around and face him. When did he enter the restroom?! How long had he been here?!

My heart began to pound faster as my body started to shiver in nervosity. What was he going to do to me now? Still not having turned around, I spotted a smirk on the raven's reflected face. He didn't break eye contact and didn't move either, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

I didn't like this situation at all. I would rather die than having to face him after the incident from before.

"You were staring a lot at me." he then said in a low voice, approaching me.

Shit. Of course he wouldn't forget about that so easily. I gulped hard and followed his gaze in the mirror. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm really sorry."

"Oh? Is that so?" Levi sounded amused.

My fingers gripped the edge of the sink as I thought of how to answer. God, this was so embarrassing.

"As I said. I'm sorry."

All of a sudden Levi was standing right behind me. I hadn't even noticed that. His body was really close to mine and his soft breath was hitting my neck, giving me little chills. He watched my eyes in the mirror, his cold and intimidating orbs made me more nervous than I was already. His lips were almost touching my reddened ears when he whispered in a seductive tone,

"Do you like what you see?"

And it was now that I noticed how his hands lay on my hips, his fingers making light circles on my pants, the digits tracing a bit _too_ low on my body, if you ask me. He was close to touching my ass. But it seemed that Levi didn't notice that or -and this was more realistic- he did it purposely. After all he wouldn't smirk for no reason.

"U-Um... I..." Shit. I couldn't say a word and the situation I was in didn't make it better.

Before I could form an answer the raven retreated from my body, still smirking, and exited the restroom without saying anything. The whole time his eyes would follow mine. When he was gone, I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding in and leant over the sink. I examined my pale, sweaty face as utter confusion of what just happened invaded my mind.

 _What_ _the_ _fuck_ _was_ _that_ _just_ _now_ _?!_

 _'_ _Do_ _you_ _like_ _what_ _you_ _see_ _?'_

This couldn't be real! Oh my god, I was just dreaming all of this, right?! It was all a dream! It... was... all... a...

Who am I trying to fool?

Of course it was all reality, goddammit! My fate hated me and wanted me to embarrass myself in front people I barely knew. Oh fuck, I couldn't go back after what happener here. I couldn't... I made a fool of myself already... I didn't want to risk any more fails.

It was already enough. I couldn't stay here anymore.

But in the end I did.

After having debated inwardly whether to stay or not, my mind took dominance over my body and now I was here, taking my seat again. Armin had given me a weird, silent look, being a replacement for his question of what did take me so long. I responded with a weak smile and tried my best not to share a quick glance at Levi. I hope this would be the last time we'll meet because after the incidence in the restroom it was the best for me not to have any business with him anymore, unless I wanted to make more of a fool of myself in front of him.

The conversations and dinner luckily went on without any faux pas, but I just couldn't shake that feeling off that I was watched constantly. Since I had refrained myself from looking at Levi, I couldn't see what he was doing, but when I raised my head a bit and lowered it again as fast as it had gone upward, my face started to burn.

Shit, he was looking at me!

I could make out a little chuckle, coming from the raven's direction and honestly... My biggest wish now was to go under the table and die. And I was so naive to think that things couldn't go worse anymore. I knew why he was doing it.

He wanted to bring me into the same situation he was in when I had stared at him and now I knew fucking well how uncomfortable it is to be stared at. To make my blush fade away, I hid my face in my hands, which made Armin worry.

"Eren? Are you alright?" he asked warily, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded and gave a reassuring sound and luckily the blond didn't pester me anymore. No, fuck wait. Armin was never pestering me! It was just that I needed time for myself to cool down.

At least I couldn't look at Levi like that.

Some minutes later, I freed my face from my hands only to be met with a staring Levi, sitting opposite of me, with his chin resting on his palm, and his head tilted. I guess I had to deal with it for the rest of the night. This reluctant acceptance gave me even some courage and confidence, now that I could handle his intense stare. I even went so far to occasionally stare back at him. It wasn't like a contest, though.

It was just foolish and childish.

Nevertheless, I had to admit that I liked staring at him when he was doing the same. It meant that he was giving full attention to me. I liked that. It was giving me pleasant chills. My focus was on his thin but defined lips.

God, his grin was so sexy.

If I had been ice, I would have melted from the invisible hot aura his body was giving off. Those lips. I wanted to know how they felt. How they felt on my skin. I bet they were soft and tasted bittersweet. Oh fuck yes, I wanted his mouth to do much more with my body-

Wait! Where the fuck was my mind going off to?!

How could I think of something like that at a place like this with people around me?! I hope that no one had noticed that I was thinking of something dirty. I wonder how my face looked like at that time. After all, faces can reveal what someone's thoughts were about.

I looked cautiously to Armin and the guy he was talking to. They seemed to have an intense discussion, so there was no way that they noticed something strange on me. I looked to the front and saw how Levi was taking a bite of his meal. When he looked up, his smirk appeared again. I couldn't look away, I just couldn't! I didn't want to. And Levi knew that otherwise he wouldn't lick over his lips in a seductive way now.

He was playing with me.

And I willingly joined in this play. The way his tongue glided over his lips, made me bite my own bottom lip.

 _'_ _Do_ _you_ _like_ _what_ _you_ _see_ _?'_

Fuck, yes!

It took me quite some time before I cleared my fogged mind.

Wait. No! Fuck, no! Get a hold of yourself, Yeager!

Mad at myself, I decided to stop this little play and distracted myself with my still more than half full plate. I ate that hastily it made the three other people give me weird looks. Yes, including Levi.

"Oh my god, Eren! Don't eat so fast! You'll choke on your food!" Armin warned.

I only shook my head vigorously and swallowed. Shit, Armin was right. I had almost choked on my food, but fortunately I could swallow the content in the last minute; before my cough reflex would have said hello.

"Don't die, Eren." my best friend said in an upset tone.

"I'm alright." I breathed.

One more hour and then we called an end to our meeting. Outside we said our goodbyes. Formerly, Armin and I had decided to walk home together, but a certain horseface ruined everything. Jean had spontaneously decided to pick up his boyfriend. Armin offered me to have a drive home, but horseface refused having me inside his car, but neither did I want to be in the same car with him. At least we had the same opinion on that. So in the end Jean and Armin drove home (after I had reassured Armin a hundred times that it was alright for me to go home alone) and I was left alone with Levi.

I turned around and it was indeed only him and me left. His co-worker had already gone home. Seriously, I couldn't remember his name for once, but it wasn't like the opportunity had been given for me when we were eating and chatting. After all, I was distracted by a certain someone.

And that certain someone was standing in front of me.

The raven had his hands in his pockets and his face seemed full of expectations, as if he waited for me to speak.

This irritated me.

"W-Well then. I'm going home as well." I stated, making my way to leave.

"Really?" I stopped in my tracks, but didn't turn around. "What a pity. Aren't you interested in some more fun?" This time I faced the raven again. His amused tone was mirrored on his face as well, that attracting smirk of him having appeared again. My head was a bit sunken, but I still locked eyes with him. I was pretty sure that my expression wasn't showing off anything; just like a mask I attempted to keep my face monotone. My eyes may seem dull at this very moment, but as long as I wasn't revealing any of my emotions, everything was alright.

There was a long silence when I didn't answer and Levi took this as a sign to go on talking. "Well, of course you don't have to. I'm heading home now. If you accompany me, I take it as a 'yes'. If not, it's pretty clear what the answer is. It's up to you and I don't force you to anything. Listen to what your body and needs say." He said the last thing in a very low tone, making his offer seem dangerous, but at the same time alluring.

Now, without anything more to add, Levi walked away. I watched him go, fighting inwardly with my mind.

I shouldn't follow him. It was better not to go after him. What would it do any good? He was attractive, yes, but is this the only reason why I should fall for his attraction? No. I must not follow him.

And in the end I followed Levi home.

When Levi noticed that, he gave a quick smirk and the rest of the walk was kept in silence, though it wasn't an awkward silence. I didn't care whether this was right or wrong. I wanted it, but at the same time I was insecure.

Having arrived at his appartment, Levi let me in first. Right after he went in, too, and closed the door, I already sensed a tug at the collar of my shirt and my body was pushed against the wall. The impact was a bit too hard and I even gasped, but soon after my mouth was met with a pair of lips. I kissed back immediatly, not holding back a little and neither did the raven. The kiss was passionate and hungry, and low groans escaped from both of our mouths. He pressed his body against mine as he grabbed a fistful of my hair and tilted my head a bit.

I was right. His lips _were_ soft and he tasted good.

It would be a shame if I were not to taste more of him, so that was why I opened my mouth to let his tongue in and the raven die not waste a second to invade my mouth with his wet muscle. It was that either our tongues fought a battle or Levi used his dominance to lick over everything he reached inside. I liked this kiss either way. I didn't want it to stop, I was addicted to it right from the beginning. It felt so good and even my lower region responded to it.

Levi used his knee to open my leg and go in between my limbs, rubbing his groin against mine which made me moan lowly. "Ah, shit!"

"You like it, right?" Levi went down my neck, his hands keeping my head in place.

I had my mouth widely opened and breathed heavily, jerking my hips up a bit to answer the raven's touch. We both were hard, that much was certain. But I think I was the one whose knees would collaps at any moment. "L-Levi. I can't stand any longer if you continue like that. P-Please..." The raven licked and sucked on many sensitive spots on my skin, which made it even harder for me to bear it while standing. The feels that his sucks were giving off made my body weak and my knees jelly.

He released from me and straightend his body, one hand of his keeping the bangs off my face. I looked up to him and saw lust in his steel-grey orbs. Deep lust that wanted to be freed. "Let's go to my room then."

In his room I was pushed onto his king-sized bed and seconds after Levi was on top of me. He claimed my lips again and this time the kiss was even more unrestrained. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him down to me, our bodies sticking together. Saliva was dripping down my face as I let out low groans and in order to show him how much I wanted him, I pressed my crotch against his and rubbed the fabrics together.

The raven let out a little chuckle before he let go of my lips. "Eager, are we?"

"Why else are we doing this here?"

"You've got a point, brat." he said.

"Brat? Hey, don't call me like that."

"Whatever." Levi kissed me again while his hands were busy to unbutton my shirt now. Simultaneously, I did the same to his shirt and soon we were both half-naked.

It was then that I suddenly thought of something important. When the raven was about to zip my pants open, I gripped his wrists in panic. "W-Wait, Levi!"

"What?" He sounded slightly pissed-off.

I gulped hard. God, how could I forgot about that?! "I... I've never done it with a guy before."

Levi furrowed his brows. "What does that mean? Are you gay but a virgin or aren't you even swinging the other side?"

"T-The latter I guess." I really didn't want to know whether I was ruining the mood right now or not.

"But you still want to do it?" The raven's voice was a lot calmer now.

I nodded.

"Alright. I'll prep you properly. Don't worry about that."

"You _are_ gay, aren't you, Levi?"

"Not really. I'm bi. Now c'mon. On all your fours."

I did as told and waited for what will happen next. My confession made my confidence drop from 100 to 0 and now I felt insecure of the things that Levi will do to me soon. He tugged my pants and underwear down, cold air hitting my exposed ass. The raven reached forward to his nightstand and took out a bottle.

"Don't piss yourself. You'll feel good. I'm going to stretch you first." Behind me I heard the bottle swung opened and then the content being poured. So it was lube, huh? "Relax." I heard him ordering and the next second a smeared finger circled around my entrance. His finger felt cold due to the lube, but the massaging movements calmed my body.

Well, they were until his finger penetrated me all of a sudden, making my body tense up.

"I said relax."

What the fuck! "I-I'm trying to, but I can't if your finger enters me so suddenly!"

A faint 'tch' left his mouth, but else the raven stayed still, massaging me from inside now. His finger was doing a good job, my hole opened up to his finger as it tried to relax to it.

"I'll add another one." Levi said, and soon another digit was pushed inside, the pain starting anew. Though I had to admit that this time the ache faded faster. As his digits were doing those thrusting movements, my body was subconsciously reacting to it by moving in snych with the raven's fingers.

And again Levi decided to do something without any warning. He scissored his fingers inside me, stretching my walls achingly. I bit my lips as I tried to endure this weird feeling. The more prepped the better. Like that I won't feel pain when his dick will go inside me. A third digit was added and with his fingers knuckle-deep inside me, Levi tried to stretch me the most he could. I was still somewhere between pain and pleasure when the three fingers rubbed and curved inside me, sending somewhat good chills through my body. It even made me groan lightly, but as soon as his fingers were retreated and I was left empty all I did was to whine.

"Please, Levi." I begged, wiggling with my ass.

He didn't say anything, but did do something instead. First I could make out zipping sounds and then I felt his tip against my entrance. "Don't tense up again. It will only be painful for you." And then his dick went inside; slowly but gradually filling my hole up.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! It was big! His dick was much more bigger than mere three fingers! The pain appeared again, but this time more intense.

"W-Wait, Levi. I-It's so big, it hurts." I spoke between gritted teeth as I did my best to deal with the ache.

"You shitty brat! I told you not to tense up. Now you have to bear with it." he grunted.

 _What_ _the_ _actual_ _fuck_ _?_

Levi really meant it because instead of pulling out he penetrated me even deeper until his dick was fully inside. The whole time I was torn between feeling Satan in person (and with that I didn't mean Levi, I just meant the feeling) and Heaven in its full resplendence because there were moments when lust overweighed pain. When Levi was fully inside, he didn't move so that my body could adjust to his huge cock. Luckily, I was able to loose up and now his dick didn't feel like a pain-deliverer anymore.

"Alright?" Levi asked, caressing my hips for whatever reason.

I nodded to his question. "You can move now. I'm alright."

At first the raven pulled out only half way and thrusted again, but when I began to moan primarily in pleasure, Levi took this as the OK for going wilder now.

And he did.

He pulled out completely before slamming inside again, a really lewd moan slipping through my mouth because of it. Levi accelerated his pace gradually and with each thrust my body was met with a pool of lustful sensation, the pleasure bringing me to the edge. My dick was dripping pre-cum, but I could care less about that or the fact that it was throbbing like mad. I loved what was happening to me and my body at this very moment and I knew that it will feel even more amazing soon.

"Fuck, Levi." The moans were leaving my mouth uncontrollably as I attempted to stay in my position. I didn't know what was worse: standing or being on all fours.

"Tch. What more do you want? I'm already _fucking_ you."

This joke was so bad that it was also witty at the same time. I huffed amused to his statement as I continued filling the room with my loud exclamations, Levi doing the same with his low grunts. "You can go faster and harder now, Levi. It doesn't hurt anymore."

"Good." The raven grabbed me by my shoulders now and thrusted deeper and harder into me, my hole practically being violated, but I couldn't complain and I wouldn't. After all, I wanted him to go this way. When he hit some certain spot, I had to cry out even louder, not knowing why that happened, but it seemed to be good since Levi pulled at my hair right now and hit the same spot over and over again. My sounds rose to a higher level and my body was close to explode because of all the pleasure.

His dick inside me... pounding into that one spot. Yes, fuck yes. I wanted more.

"Levi, it feels so fucking good! Don't stop!" I yelled, tears oozing from my firmly pressed eyelids.

"I will fucking cum soon, brat! Don't you feel like that as well?" he growled, gripping my hips tightly and thrusting into me as hard as he could. Now that he was mentioning it... I really felt close.

"I'm close, too! B-But please... Please, fuck me until I cum!"

Shit, since when did I become such a greedy pervert?! It was all Levi's fault.

With one final thrust we came at the same time and with a load moan, letting everything out that needed to be released; cum counted as well and for the first time in my life I received semen inside my ass. It felt weird, but not really disgusting. In the contrary, having cum up my ass was so fucking exciting. My white liquid landed on the sheets and it seemed that Levi wasn't really happy about that. "This is the one and last time that you are allowed to cum on my bed."

"Y-Yes. I'm sorry." Pfft! As if I was really sorry about that! I mean I had the most gorgeous sex with the most attractive guy ever just now! Who cares about the cum?!

The raven pulled out, causing with it that cum was leaking from my entrance. "Since you've dirtied my bed already, it wouldn't make any difference if you sleep like that here. You can shower tomorrow."

I squealed inside since I was allowed to sleep with him in his bed tonight. "Okay!" I cooed, trying not to sound as happy, but obviously failed.

I couldn't see what Levi was doing, but I was most certainly sure that he was rolling his eyes. "Sleep." he demanded and I obliged. The raven put a bed sheet over our bodies and turned around to sleep. I snuggled into the cover before I fell contently asleep.

~~~

The next day I woke up to a sharp pain in my lower back, appearing as soon as I raised my upper body, it then falling back forward, my head buried in the pillows again. I growled to the ache, touching the affected spot, though it was actually spread over my whole sore ass and back. Fuck, was this the unpleasant after-effect of gay sex? I didn't know about that! I whined into the pillow, thinking of a way to deal with it. I couldn't even stay here or at home and take care of it, after all I had to go to work.

By the thought of work my head spun upright (pain or not pain, that didn't matter now) and searched for the clock. Luckily it was only 6.30 AM. I still had time before I had to go to work. I let out a sigh of relief and rested my head on one of my arms. After some time I looked around and searched for a certain raven-haired man, but no one else was in this room. _Very_ _slowly_ I stood up, dressed myself (shower would have to wait) and headed for the living room and kitchen, with the expectations that Levi was in either of the rooms.

But surprisingly he wasn't. Where would he go to on such an early time? Furrowing my brows, I looked around for something that would give me a hint about the raven's whereabouts, eventually spotting a post-it on the kitchen table. I read it.

 _'_ _Feel_ _free_ _to_ _eat_ _whatever_ _you_ _want_ _for_ _breakfast_ _,_ _but_ _after_ _that_ _move_ _your_ _fucking_ _ass_ _out_ _of_ _my_ _apartment_ _!'_

Wow, how nice.

There was another thing written below.

 _'_ _If_ _you_ _want_ _my_ _dick_ _up_ _your_ _ass_ _again_ _,_ _call_ _me_ _._ _You_ _weren't_ _that_ _bad_ _for_ _your_ _first_ _time_ _._

 _0XXXX-_ _XXXX_ _-_ _XX_ _'_

I must say, Levi's language was really... _unique_ _._

I decided not to eat here and went home instead. There I took a quick shower, ate some random cereal and tried to move as less as necessary. After all the pain should not be underestimated, it hurt! Was that even normal?! I bet not even Armin had felt that much pain after his first time with Jean. Wait... Why was I thinking of that right now? Oh god, no, dirty images! Banging my head against the table to get rid of that thought, I realized that I had inflicted myself another pain.

Great.

With an aching back and an aching head I made my way to my office, in the hope that work would distract me from these painful aches. In my work place the first thing I had to do was to go to my boss's office and report about the meeting yesterday. There I wasn't met with my boss yet, but with Armin who was already waiting for that said man. As reliable as ever of course.

"Good morning." the blond greeted me with his usual happy voice.

"Mornin'" I growled, coming to an halt when I was standing opposite of the desk, just like my best friend. "Where is that old man?"

"Don't call him like that! He'll be here soo-"

"That old man is here." I heard my boss Mr. Pixis say from behind, making the both of us startle.

 _Well_ _, s_ _hit_ _._

"I'm sorry, Mr. Pixis. I didn't mean it like that." I apologized, bowing while I did so.

"He really didn't mean it like that, sir!" Armin defended me, bowing as well.

Pixis laughed. "It's okay. You are right, Yeager. I'm indeed old."

I gave an insecure laugh, still not grasping whether Pixis was really not mad at me or if it was just a deception, but I hoped for the first. It really seemed like he took it as a joke. _Thanks_ _God_ _._

Our boss then asked about the meeting and we gave him all the necessary information. He was pleased with our answers and decided to meet with the head of the company (whose name wasn't mentioned), and contract the cooperation. I wonder if that meant that Levi and I would meet more often. Who knows...

After 20 minutes we were finally dismissed. On the floor I thanked Armin for defending me.

"Next time you better think before you speak, Eren." he warned.

"Yeah, yeah. I got it." I waved with my hand dismissively, yawning.

Armin reacted with a soft scowl, but his face softened very fast, it even changed to a sad one, which made me worry.

"What's up, Armin?"

"Was it really okay that I went home with Jean yesterd-"

"Oh, Armin," I placed an arm over his shoulder, smiling reassuringly, "I swear, it's really okay! No big deal."

"Really? Yesterday, I felt so bad afterwards because... you and Jean still aren't the best friends -one can't even call you two friends- and that I had been on Jean's side made me... feel guilty-"

"You are worrying about things that are trivial and irrelevant, Armin. I'm not mad at you. Not at all." I tapped on the blond's nose, making him chuckle.

"Okay. I believe you." I let go of him and headed for my office, still walking unnormally because of that fucking pain and of course it didn't go unnoticed by Armin. "Eren, are you okay? You are walking weirdly." he said in a worried voice.

Oh god. You have to come with a good excuse now, Eren. "I-It's just that my back hurts a bit." I responded, scratching the back of my head.

Great done, Yeager. Fucking well done.

"Why does it hurt?" Armin insisted.

"I-I fell on the floor. Y'know, my dumbness, haha."

My friend remained silent next to me for quite a while before he said,

"Your ears are red! You're lying, Eren!" Armin grabbed me by my blood-rushed ear and shoved me like that to my office. There he threw me onto my office chair and to my surprise he himself climbed up onto my lap.

"W-Wha... What are you doing there, Armin?! Why are you sitting on my lap? What if someone sees us like that?!" I asked, irritated, trying to shove him off.

But Armin insisted on sitting on me. "Shut up! Tell me what happened to you! Why does your back hurt? Yesterday you weren't like that!" The blond's face was only a few inches from mine away, his light blue eyes shining in both curiosity and concern.

"I-It's no big deal. You don't have to worry." I responded, sounding as convincing as I could be, but failed.

Armin was unmoved. "There are only a few reason why one's back hurts! Wait... Oh god, don't tell me..."

Totally confused, I furrowed my eyebrows. "Armin...?"

He my face in his hands and said in a dead serious voice,

"Oh my god, Eren! Did Levi rape you?!"

"HUH?!"

"Eren, you have to tell me! Did he force you to something?!"

"What the fuck! Levi didn't rape me! Everything was consent!" Right when I had said that last thing, I clapped my palms together over my mouth, wishing for the thing that has already slipped through my mouth to be unsaid.

My best friend was totally surprised and shocked by what I had told him, remaining frozen for quite a time. After some time a big smirk appeared on his face, a low chuckle on top of it. "You had sex with Levi?" he asked in a purring voice, making me blush heavily. I actually didn't want to talk about this that fast, but here I am with a curious friend on my lap. If Jean would see this... he would kill me!

"I-It wasn't planned! It j-just happened!" I explained, avoiding eye contact as my face reddened even more.

"Oh my god, this is so funny, Eren! I would have never thought that you would do it with a guy, and on top of that with someone you barely know. Say, how was it~? Look, now I see some hickeys on your neck. How could I not notice before?" Armin caressed the skin under my collar, exposing my hickeys by moving the fabric away.

With a total blushed face, I hid myself behind my hands, shaking my head. "Don't ask me things like that! This is so embarrassing!" I whined, feeling totally daunted by him.

"Okay, okay. You don't have to tell me." he stated, going off of my lap, grabbing some random papers in the process and made his way to leave. The blond hid his lower face behind the papers, a grin visible since his eyes were surrounded by crinkles. "Don't worry. The pain will go away soon. Your body just has to get used to a dick." I couldn't believe how outspoken Armin was, not hiding nor euphemizing anything dealing with gay sex. And the next second he had left the room.

"Wait!" I shouted desperately after him, "Those are _my_ work sheets!" Sighing, I plumbed into my chair, groaning exhausted. This day couldn't get any more stressful, could it?

~~~

A few days have passed since that incidence between Levi and me, and I wondered what I should do. He may have given me his phone number, but I was only allowed to call him if I wanted sex with him again. I didn't know if that was what I really desired right now. I liked being around Levi, yes, but I think establishing a basis was what I wanted at the moment. Like our sex was indeed amazing, but I had rather the wish not to leave it by that. A friendship should be the beginning between us and maybe later on it becomes something _more_ _._

So that was why I had my cell phone in my one hand and Levi's number in the other hand, struggling whether I should call him now or not. My phone was fidgeting in my hand, I was so nervous, though there wasn't really a reason for that. I mean, I just have to call him and ask him if he was interested in spending time with me.

I took a deep breath and dialed my number then. Raising the device to my ear and hearing the ringing tone, I started to feel how my heart began to race, sweat forming on my skin. Why was I so nervous?! There was no reason for it! Eventually panic overwhelmed me and suddenly I didn't know anymore what I wanted to tell the raven. Right when I was about to hang up, I heard how the phone was picked up on the other side.

"Eren? Is that you?" I heard the familiar deep voice (belonging to the hottest guy ever) on the phone.

"Y-Yes. Um... I-I..." I stammered, unable to form proper sentences, yet even words.

"God, you're my fucking rescue. Are you busy this saturday?"

Okay, where was this heading to? I was totally confused.

"Yeah, I'm free... I guess."

"Good. You have to go with me to some shitty drink party."

Shitty? Drink party?

"Okay... And why if I may ask?"

"You may not. I'll explain it to you there. Just come to my place at 8.30 PM and we'll go there. I'm sick of it. You have to bear me company."

"O-Okay. I understood."

"'Til saturday."

"See you saturday." And with that Levi ended the call.

I watched my phone for literally a few minutes before I realized what had happened just now.

Levi and I had somewhat like a date! Well, it was solely a drink party with other people around us, but better anything than nothing. I was so glad that things lead to this without me having to ask Levi for that. It was his idea and I had nothing to complain about. The luck was on my side.

The rest of the day I was an all round happy guy with the brightest smile plastered on my face. People wondered about my sudden change, but I didn't care.

~~~

It was finally saturday and Levi and I were visiting the place where the party will be held. The raven still hadn't revealed any information on what it was all about and why he wanted me to accompany him. Even when I had ask him that, he always answered with things like I will know early enough or to just wait and not be impatient. Well, fuck. I didn't have to go with him to this party necessarily, so it was the least for me to know about what the party was about. Technically it could be a party where all of them will poker illegally. Or they're secretely going to do drugs. Who knows...

The door was opened abruptly. "Heyya, little Levi!" A man with some alcohol intus babbled, reeking strongly. I covered my nose in disgust. What the fuck? It wasn't even past eight!

"Fuck off, Moblit! Let us in." Levi spat, shoving the guy off and going inside. I just followed him to the apartment.

"Oh! There's that g-guy you were talying about!" he looked at me curiously, approaching me as he looked me over up and down. He held a hand in front of my face. "Hi, bro. I'm Mo- Moblit."

I just watched him in revulsion as Levi grabbed me by my arm and directed me forward. "Shut up, Moblit. You couldn't even tell Eren your name properly." Was all the raven said, frowning at the drunk man.

Luckily we gradually distanced ourselves from him as Levi led us to the room that seemed to be kind of the living room.

"Why was he so drunk?" I asked.

"He just has a low alcohol tolerance level," and after some time he added, "and he loves alcohol."

"Right..."

Then I met all the other people who were -fortunately- still sober. They all introduced themselves one by one so that at the end I couldn't even remember one name. Not even of the host.

Meh, who cares.

When we were sitting around the table, everyone received a drink -besides Moblit (he had to drink water for the first) and we all cheered for the money which astonished me because I had never ever heard of someone saying it like that.

"Cheers!" Some of the men said.

"Cheers!" We all repeated.

I nipped on my beer as I examined the people around me. They seemed to be my age, no one older than by seven years, I guess.

"It all began last year," Levi spoke, and it took me some time before I realized what Levi was talking about. He wanted to tell the background story to this occurance. "For some reason we all decided to always celebrate the day we would receive our salary and since then we held onto that tradition. But at some point I was sick of doing this monthly. One time I even skipped it, only to the result that literally all of my co-workers threw reproaches at me and were so disappointed of me since I had broken our tradition. I actually didn't care about that, but if I'd do that constantly, they'll all annoy me and I don't want to hear their shits. I don't hate them, though. They're just childish, persistant and annoying. So that is why I reluctantly attend this party, but from now on I need you as someone who will distract me the few hours. Else I'll die from boredom."

So they ain't dealers or junkies, hm?

"I see." I replied, nodding. "I don't mind attending this party, so I'll do it together with you, and I'm glad that you see me as a good distraction."

Levi's eyes lit up for a sole second as he faced me, reducing the space between our spaces. The people around us were busy talking to each other. In other words, they didn't pay attention to the raven and me. "Speaking of which... How did your ass feel after _that_ _?_ Did it hurt?"

Memories of the pain were brought up again. "Yes. It _did_ _indeed_ _hurt_ _._ I thought my back was killing me!" I hissed between gritted teeth, trying not to be so loud.

Levi just smirked. "Next time it won't hurt that much."

 _Next_ _time_ _?_

"There is a next time?" I questioned with a bit too high expectations evident in my voice.

"That's what I think. I mean, why else did you call me last time?"

My mind was so over place that I couldn't really process everything that happened and was said now. "Call?"

Levi looked at me with an irritated face. "Do you even _want_ to do it again?"

"Yes!" I answered excited, causing his face to soften again, a content smile gracing his lips.

"Fine. Now, let's drink. You've received your salary as well, haven't you?"

I raised my glass, "Yes." and let it clank with Levi's. "Cheers for the money!"

 _And_ _the_ _hot_ _raven_ _guy_ _in_ _front_ _of_ _me_ _that_ _will_ _pound_ _my_ _ass_ _(_ _hopefully_ _)_ _very_ _soon_ _._

After a few hours of alcohol, laughter and beer games nearly everyone was drunk as fuck, acting all weird and sometimes even embarrassingly. The worst of them all was (who could've guessed it) Moblit. His name was the only one I could remember, but that was only because his behaviour was outstanding, so that no one could ignore him.

Luckily I was only tipsy, thanks to Levi who controlled my drinking behaviour and didn't drink that much himself. Of course, at that time I couldn't know yet why he did that, but I was soon to know. With my tipsiness came also my horniness, I could already sense blood rushing down to my arousal. It wasn't that I would always get hard whenever I drank, but alcohol plus a handsome sex god equals carnal lust. One couldn't deny that.

I let my head fall down on Levi's shoulder as I rubbed my chin against his shirt, mumbling lowly while I did so. "Mmh, Levi..."

The raven didn't answer and lifted my body instead, making me stand more or less upright and in the next second he had already pulled me somewhere, away from the group of people. "Where are we going, Levi?" I asked, giggling like a child. Oh, god. How much did I actually drink?

I figured out that Levi led us to a room which was scarcely furnitured. Just a bed, a nightstand, a desk with a chair and a wardrobe. I think this was a guest room. Everything went so fast. I hadn't even realized that my face was laying downwards on the mattress when Levi turned me around next and sat on me. It was then that I realized that when he had asked if I wanted to do it again with him and I had approved, he meant to do it right here and right now. The fact that we were about to fuck in an unfamiliar and foreign place made me sober.

"Don't tell me we will do it _here_ _!"_ I protested.

"We will." he stated casually, but with a smirk crept onto his face.

"We can't!"

"Why?" Levi sounded as if he really couldn't think of something that would speak against fucking here and now.

I watched him in disbelief. "Because this is not _your_ nor _mine_ room! We're on a party here and _there_ _are_ _plenty_ _people_ _next_ _room_ _!"_

I only received a scoff from the raven. "Tch. They're drunk as hell, they didn't see us going away and trust me they won't notice today anymore that we're missing. We can do what we want and we will." He said the last two words in such a certainty, it surprised me and I wasn't ready for what Levi will do. How could he be okay with something like that?! If you ask me, I wasn't interested in other people hearing me moan and squirm under Levi. I preferred privacy.

"No." I declared. "No, I don't want this. I don't want it now." I crossed my arms in front of my chest and tilted my head to the side, sulking and obviously refusing to play along. Even if he would beg me while being naked, I wouldn't say yes.

"Eren," Levi said in a soothing voice which actually surprised me because normally he wasn't like that. Well, we had met just once before, but that was enough to tell that he wasn't the type who would speak in a soft tone. "I know better than you when it is risky to have sex somewhere where other people are around as well. Don't worry. I've been to this party too often already and thus I know how they all are like when they're drunk. Firstly, they always end up drunk. Secondly, they're too drunk to even count to five, so don't expect them to notice who's disappeared from the group. Thirdly, all those drunkards will fall asleep soon and when they do, they won't wake up until it's 11 AM in the morning."

Wait, was he really trying to convince me to sex?!

"What the fuck, Lev-"

I was interrupted by lips pressing on mine, eliciting a tingle in my abdomen area as my lips moved on its own. A low groan escaped my throat, my fingers tangling in the raven's -surprisingly soft- undercut and all my restraints fell off just because of a mere kiss, which was -I had to admit- making me crave for more.

Levi parted from my lips, but his face was still close to mine. "Trust me. As long as we wake up before them, they'll never find out about this. You won't blame yourself in front of other people. It won't happen."

Oh, Levi had no clue. I had changed my mind since the moment he kissed me, I didn't care anymore where we were. Right now, I just wanted him.

Wait, didn't I want to build up a kind of friendship with him first?

Oh, fuck it!

"Do whatever you want to do with me." I eventually agreed, my mind shutting off and therefore my body being even more excited for Levi's body.

The boner came back (it had softened when I had been against this at first) and this time it won't be satisfied until it has shot its load. I ground my hips against Levi's, giving him to understand that I wanted him. _That_ _I_ _needed_ _his_ _dick_ _._

The raven responded with a jerk of his hips, causing me to let out a mixture of a gasp and a moan. "Greedy, huh? But I like you like that." He went to my neck, licking and kissing it as I continued rubbing my body against his. I tilted my head to give him more access, I was literally squirming and lightly moaning under him, barely enduring his tease. Levi noticed that and chuckled lowly to it, the sound vibrating against my skin turning me on more. Whatever he was doing to me, it had an effect on me and right now I was losing my patience very fast.

"Levi, please," More didn't come out of my mouth.

"Please, what?" he teased, unbuttoning my shirt excruciangly slowly.

"Please, fuck me. I want your dick." There goes my shame.

Levi lifted his head and upper body up, looking down at me with an amused face. "You want my cock?" he asked while his palm cupped my groin, stroking it.

I bit my lips. "Nnh, yes. Please. Give me your cock."

He opened my shirt, his hands wandering to my nipples. He put the buds between his fingers, rubbing them. To my surprise it felt so weird, I didn't like. Giving off a disapproving tone, I remarked,

"I don't like this. Please, don't play with my nipples."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Nipples are one of the erogenous zones of the body. How can you dislike it?"

I shrugged my shoulders and after a roll of his eyes and a faint 'tch', Levi's hands roamed other parts of my chest, wandering down to my abdomen until his fingertips were gracing the waistband of my boxers. One hand slipped inside and touched my arousal, rubbing along the stiff length.

"So hard already, huh?"

I smirked (for the first time I smirked at Levi!). "It's your fault. You make me like that."

"So implicitly you're telling me to take responsibility for it?" he teased, still stroking my dick probingly.

"Yes."

With an eyebrow raised in amusement and a sly smirk, he unbuckled my pants, unzipping them after, pulling my pants and boxers purposely slowly to bring me into more impatience. "Levi, please." My hard-on popped up when it was finally freed, pre-cum leaking.

The raven placed his thumb on the tip, making circling motions as cum began to get caught on his finger. The rotations were so damn teasing, I got more and more aroused. "Levi, I beg you..." His finger movement came to an halt and seconds later his hand wandered to the front of my face, three fingers stuck out towards me.

"Suck." he ordered.

Without any hesitance and no patience left in me, I put his fingers into my mouth -all at once- and licked with my tongue around them. Levi parted his lips and I sucked in between. Light groans left my mouth as the fingers were coated by my saliva. I closed my eyes in the process, feeling myself really into it. After some time, the raven retreated his fingers and parted my legs then. One wet finger rubbed against my puckered entrance before it was pushed inside, going knuckle-deep right away. My ass had to familiarize to that intrusion since it was only my second time and the distance to last time was quite big.

"Remember what I told you to do." Levi stated, moving his finger in and out.

I rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes as I attempted to relax as much as I could. I was successful and soon the finger didn't feel weird inside me anymore. When he added a second digit, everything began anew. Sounds between struggled whines and moans before I had adjusted to two fingers. The biggest competition was when Levi parted his fingers (and so my inner walls as well) and stuck in the third finger, thrusting at a steady pace. When my hips began to respond to the thrusts, Levi knew that I was prepared enough, which he could also figure out by the moans that were let out.

He put off his clothes, kneeling naked between my legs now as he aligned his stiff cock to my entrance. He pounded into me when I expected it the least which was when he had caressed my cheek. I let out a sharp cry out, flipping my head back as my back arched. Levi's cock penetrating my ass all of a sudden sent both a painful and lustful pleasure through my body. I couldn't tell which feeling was overweighing.

"How does it feel?" Levi asked, pulling out and thrusting into me as roughly as the first time.

I let out another half-cry half-moan. "I-... I don't know... It f-feels... I don't know how to feel like." And another moan followed after.

"You'll like it like that." he simply stated.

So this was his true nature? He liked it hard and rough and merciless? He preferred it seeing me scream in painful pleasure as lust ran through my veins? So this was Levi's preference?

And to be honest...

It wasn't like I would complain.

After all I was experiencing something new. And since _Levi_ was involved in that 'something new', I wanted to do it even more. At that time I didn't know what it exactly was, but I was certain that he wasn't unimportant to me.

Wow, how could I say something like that after meeting Levi twice?

The raven pushed into me again, each time going in deeper and when that certain spot was hit that gave me unbelievable and unbearable pleasure, he kept aiming for that spot, his thrusts becoming harder and more erratic. I could see how little grunts and ragged breaths rose from his throat, his whole body getting coated in a thin layer of sweat pearls, which had the effect to stress Levi's well-formed body.

I digged my nails into his arms, still having to get familiar to this roughness of sex, I really wanted to accomplish that. With each fastening pounding followed a louder getting moan. My body was like in a state of ecstasy, my lower body prickling and tingling in thrill and lust, my mind being overwhelmed by all the feelings I received.

Levi's big cock widening my walls and bringing me to the edge as pleasure exploded inside me a thousand time was an incredible thing to sense. I loved it. I wanted more of it.

"Levi! It f-feels amazing, amazing! I don't know why my body, ah, is reacting like that, but I like that feeling." I grinned at him, and I bet it was the lewdest grin ever. "I love being filled by your big cock."

The raven responded with the same gesture. "I told you."

He lowered his upper body to kiss my lips and I kissed him back greedily, sinking my nails down his back as his hard thrusts kept giving me the lust I wanted. I moaned to the kiss, licking with my tongue over his lips. He parted them only to shove his wet muscle inside me, the tongues playing and battling each other before Levi gained dominance. I couldn't control my actions anymore, my body was reacting on its own. I wrapped my legs around his waist and sucked more of his member in me, pressing my body against his. My pulsating cock was screaming for release and I was sure that it would come soon.

I broke from the kiss, embracing Levi by his neck as lewd sounds left my mouth uncontrollably, reaching my climax. "I will-..." I couldn't bring out more words.

"Scream my name when you cum." Levi demanded in a low and husky voice, arousing me more than I thought was possible.

I was the first one to come. "Levi!" I shouted as cum spurted out, covering the raven's stomach.

After some more thrusts Levi came as well. "Fuck." Call me a pervert, but getting filled by cum was one of the best feelings ever -after sex, of course. The third best thing was hearing Levi groan in lust. His face looked so erotic when he did that and his voice... sexy as fuck.

Levi collapsed on me, his dick still being inside me. Both of us panted heavily, the afterglow ebbing away.

"Fuck, this was better than I expected. It was fucking tremendous." Levi breathed, going down from me now.

"I can only say the same."

"Let's do this everytime we're at the party."

I sent him a small smile. "I like that idea."

~~~

Levi and I followed our plan to go to the drink parties together. Like that both of us had their joy, sex included.

Every day I was sitting in my office, I impatiently waited for the month to end. The end of month meant meeting Levi. By now I had found out that the companies weren't under coorperation anymore. During the time they were, the interests of both companies could be fulfilled completely and now it wasn't a necessity anymore to cooperate. Well, I didn't mind. Levi and I were still in contact even without connected ties through our works.

When it was finally the last week of the month, I just waited excitedly day in and day out for Levi's message to when the party will start. Each time was on another time, don't ask me why. I lay on my couch reading a book when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket (at least I was still able to read over all my excitement). With big hopes I unlocked my screen and to my luck it was Levi messaging me. I clicked on the message.

**Levi**

_9_ _PM_ _._ _Don't_ _be_ _late_ _,_ _brat_ _._

I got used to the nickname he gave me, though there were still times I didn't like it. I replied to his text.

**Eren**

_Gotcha_ _._ _My_ _ass_ _is_ _ready_ _. ;)_

As expected he responded to it.

**Levi**

_It_ _better_ _be_ _._

I squealed like a girl when I read that. I just couldn't wait for the day to come.

I had to admit that we weren't always fucking when attending the drink party. Sometimes it could also be that only blowjobs or handjobs were done. My first blowjob ever was with Levi and I was so fucking grateful that I didn't fuck it up completely; thanks to the raven who told me how to do it. Even more astonishing (and which made the whole thing so dangerously thrilling) was that we never got caught once. Fucking in a room when dozen of people were in the next room, but no one noticing it, was so ridiculous, but kind of funny at the same time. Levi even began to jokingly call them "shitty drunk fools".

I didn't know when it started, but Levi and I began to chat, even when it wasn't about the party issue. I still wanted to build up a friendship or something like that with him and this was a good start. We talked about stuff and nonsense, but our conversations were never boring. Levi liked to complain about literally everything and I helped him getting his anger out. Everything even developed to the point that I wasn't waiting anymore for the end of month to approach, but I just wanted my work to end so that I could go home and chat with him. I liked doing that and it seemed that Levi didn't hate it as well.

I surprised myself when one day I had that strange feeling inside my stomach after seeing the notification on my screen that Levi had sent me a message. It was like butterflies swarming inside me, on top of that a smile plastered on my face as the heat in my cheeks rose. I guess this was a change of my feelings for Levi.

Yeah...

I was slowly falling in love with him.

When I realized that I couldn't stop myself grinning into my pillow, I squeaked as I felt my heart beating faster.

Oh my god, I was falling in love, I was falling in love, I was falling in love!

I fell in love with the hottest man ever!

I think I had to tell him next time. And so I waited for the next time to come as fast as possible.

~~~

It was the day for the next drink party. Everyone was there and in a good mood. I noticed that I acted differently near Levi now that I saw him with other eyes. Being in love changed oneself. I sat next to him, a drink in my hand as I occasionally peered at the raven. Now I found myself in the same situation months before when I met Levi for the first time and couldn't do else than stare at him. At that time, it was his pure attractiveness that lured me, now it was something more.

It was that I got nervous around him that here and there my cheeks would alter to a dust pink. I had no clue how and when I should confess to him, but I wanted to do it so badly. I cared more for how to do it than how Levi would react to it, and this was making me crazy.

All of a sudden, a hand palmed my groin, pressing and interrupting my train of thoughts. "What're you thinking about?" the raven hushed into my ear, licking my earlobe then. What the heck, how did he dare do it here?! There were still people around us and I prayed to God that no one will get suspicious. Even if the main "action" took place under the table where no one could see, Levi was so close to me- it was dangerously close. As he pressed harder, I let out a low, restraint moan, scowling at him.

But he was untouched by that.

I continued glaring at him, though at the same time my cheeks started to heat up again. "Stop that!" I hissed at him in a whisper.

Levi chuckled, his hand moving up to under my shirt, resting on my stomach. "We can't do it yet, you know?"

"Then why the fuck are you groping me?!" I scolded.

He then drew his body back and said nonchalanty but with a smirk, "This is called teasing. Brat."

"Don't call me br-"

"Eren? Can you help me bringing new glasses and the other bottles from the kitchen?" Some random woman interrupted me, looking at me with a pleading expression.

Huh, why me of all the people? Not that I was complaining, it just irritated me. "S-Sure, I'll help." I got up and headed for the kitchen then.

There I thought again about my problem. I really didn't know what to do. Maybe I should confess to him before we would... well... _do_ _the_ _thing_ _._

Yeah, maybe this was the best.

With my arms carrying some champagne, rum, vodka and ice-filled glasses, I went back, pretty pleased with my final decision. Before I got to the room, I halted in the door frame, listening to a conversation that Levi had with some of his male co-workers.

"Say, Levi! When are you going to have a girl by your side? I know that you're popular among women, but there's someone that you like, right? Don't try denying it."

"Tch. No, there isn't someone. I will never ever be in a relationship. I'm not the type to fall in love."

"You must be kidding!"

"Shut the fuck up! You're so damn noisy. Why the fuck should I lie? It's the truth. No relationships."

When I heard that, my heard dropped to the very bottom of my body. All the hopes I held inside me vanished, and it was a surprise that I didn't drop the bottles and glasses because of the disappointment I felt now.

_Levi wasn't the type to be in a romantic relationship?_

"Eren, you okay?" the woman from before asked me, going out of the kitchen and passing by me.

I shook my head and faked a smile. "Yeah, I'm alright." Levi didn't notice that I had technically eavesdropped his conversation, though that conversation wasn't held in secret.

Still overtaken by the sudden realization, I wasn't in the mood to get laid. The raven noticed that and decided that we should just sleep through the night. He didn't even ask what was wrong with me. With many thoughts going through my mind, I tried to sleep, but had struggles doing so. After some hours I could finally close my eyes and let them closed.

~~~

"I love you, Levi." Was the first thing I said when both of us woke up in the morning. I hadn't even processed yet what I had been saying, but when I realized, it was already too late.

Levi looked at me in disbelief, though he knew that I was sober right now.

"Love? Tch! I don't care abou things like love. I'm not the type for a relationship." I expected him to say that and lowered my head, a sad expression on my face. I didn't want to accept that, so I tried to say something that would make me stay close to his side most of the time. I hadn't a clue how I should do that, but luckily Levi came with and idea first.

"I know we slept with each other a few times now, I bet that's why you developed feelings for me, but I can't be in a relationship. We can be sex partners. That's all I can offer you, brat."

How should I answer to that? Sex partners? Like in fuck buddies? Was I willing to agree to only a physical relationship with no feelings involved? Would I sacrifice my love for Levi in order to stay by his side?

I...

Pressing my lips, I took a breath through my nose and was about to answer. I looked at him again, with confidence evident on my face this time.

I loved him and I didn't want to give that up!

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately I have to tell you that I will go on a hiatus for at least 1 1/2 months because I have to study for and write my graduation exams and since I'm aiming for (very) good grades, I need to concentrate on my studies. But as soon as I've finished with my exams I'll fully devote myself to writing the remaining chapters. I love writing the chapters for this story ^^
> 
> (As you may have already noticed, I changed my username to 'pinkheichou' because I love it more than my former one. My tumblr is 'pinkheichou' as well, so visit my blog if you want to!)
> 
> SEE YA!


	14. Loving Levi or Leaving Levi? (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who is back... ME! I'm most likely back from my hiatus. It may not interest any of you, but I'll say it nevertheless... MY EXAMS WENT FINE! MORE THAN FINE! THEY WEREN'T AS DIFFICULT AS I IMAGINED THEM TO BE! You all don't even know how relieved I am!!
> 
> Those were the last exams for me for the next half year (I'll graduate from school soon, yay!). Which means... NOW I HAVE MORE TIME TO WRITE! 
> 
> Okay, here is the next chapter!
> 
> By the way, I've added 'angst' to the tags because this story is going to be more angsty than I thought. I hope it also covers up a certain thing that will happen later on. I hope that thing counts as angst as well.

**Eren's** **POV**

I think I was reaching that point where my world was slowly starting to fall apart.

 _'You're a good fuck. Though I dunno how long I want to keep you_ _anymore.'_

A whole week had passed since that. And Levi didn't leave a word about what he had said after that day when it happened. There wasn't even any hint of him that he wanted to leave me and end our little "relationship" which we had, but the fact that he had said these things can only mean that he was getting fed up with me.

How much time was left between us until it would happen?

I... I should've known it!

No. Actually, I was aware of that, but I used to always suppress this thought and pretend that everything was okay between us. I liked the idea of having a seemingly healthy relationship with him, although nothing was close to a normal romantic relationship. But I hadn't cared about that. I just wanted him by my side, and I wanted to make sure I was with Levi. Even if I knew that it was wrong and fake, I didn't want to give up that little thing we had established.

And now was the time when I was faced with the cruel reality.

That thought I never wanted to think of.

Levi and I won't stay fuck buddies forever.

Levi will decide to leave me and move on, finding a new sex partner he can have his fun with.

Because he was getting bored of me.

Or perhaps because I had been annoying the shit out of him with whatever behaviour he saw in me.

But did he really want to do that? Was he going to push me away of his life? Treat me as if I was nothing more than a toy to him that deserved nothing more than getting toyed with? Was Levi going to break ties with me some day...?

Yeah.

After all...

I meant nothing to him. Nothing.

_'You're a good fuck...'_

No.

 _'Though I dunno how long I want to keep you_ _anymore.'_

Fuck, no!

It was now that I realized how I had picked up the little vase from the coffee table and violently smashed it against a wall. I stared blankly at the wet spot on the wall where the vase had broken a few seconds ago, my eyes widened and my breath loud and heavy. I lowered myself onto the couch again, trembling while doing so, and sunk my head. My arms were resting on my thighs as I looked down to the floor, thinking of all the things I didn't want to imagine. At some point I bit my bottom lip hard, drawing blood, but I couldn't care less about that.

I was close to crying, but I didn't cry.

I wanted to scream, but nothing came out of my throat.

I wanted to be loved, but...

Some indefinable guttural sound could escape my mouth as I put my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut with my palms. Shuddering breaths left my quivering lips, but no tears were shed.

No...

I didn't want this...

I didn't want to experience the moment when Levi will say that it is over between us. I didn't want to hear those words from him. But...

 _'Though I dunno how long I want to keep you_ _anymore.'_

It was unavoidable...

The fears I had suppressed for so long would become reality soon. Even if I didn't want to think of that and didn't want it to happen...

It was going to happen.

It was going to happen, even though Levi hadn't alluded to it in this one week. He acted as if nothing was wrong. As if nothing had changed or was going to change soon.

Shit, of course he had nothing to worry about! Levi was able to leave me without a second thought and he will. After all, he wasn't the one who was in love. He wasn't feeling anything close to affection towards me, so why should he care about me? To him I did a great job, but I was certainly boring him. That's why he decided to find a new fuck buddy sooner or later. Most likely it will happen sooner than later.

That's how it was.

Even if it were to happen that everything remained the same, nothing would change.

Regradless which way I chose, both weren't the thing I wanted.

Why would I wait for the thing to happen, if I could end it myself any time?

I didn't have to wait.

I could make a choice. And I had to. I had to make a choice I knew I didn't want to.

Levi...

I can imagine how Levi most certainly had already a new fuck buddy in mind and sight. Woman or man, it didn't matter. They would be more suitable for him and it would be someone Levi would prefer over me.

He had told me once that he wouldn't fuck two people at once, but it didn't mean that he wasn't allowed to search for... _better_ sex partners. I was certain that they would pretty much submit themselves to the raven and do their best to please him because _who the fuck didn't want to please such a sex god?!_

Thinking about that made me scratch my hair and pull at it. Right now, I would have really liked to tear at my hair. I needed to numb the pain that was lingering inside my chest. It was glowing there and slowly but certainly that unpleasant feeling spread inside my body like a wildfire.

I bit my lips hard and gave my best at not letting the tears to spill over because this wasn't the time for that. I mustn't cry, I had to make a decision.

A knock at the door brought me back from my numbness and indecisiveness. I -silently and without making any move- just sat in my position, looking into the direction of the door. It wasn't before the person knocked a second time that I stood up and made my way to open the door. On my way, I took some deep breaths to calm myself down, but it was less to not effective at all.

Whoever it was, I didn't want to see them.

Grabbing the door knob, my feelings started to overwhelm me again.

Levi... There was no way that it was him, but still...

_I had to make a decision!_

And then I opened the door.

"Hey, Eren. You forgot this at my house last ti-... Eren, are you alright?"

It was Armin.

He didn't need to see me cry to know that something was wrong with me. Armin was able to read every expression of mine. And let me tell you that I didn't want to see his. Not only because I didn't want to see anyone at the moment, but the worried expression on his face hurt me.

I didn't want to see any of it.

I stayed still, opposite of him, my eyes slightly widened and close to tears. I could have burst out now, but I must not do that. No one could help me now.

"Eren? Something is up with you. Do you want to ta-"

In this moment, I just snatched the thing off his hands, not paying attention to what it was and turned around. "T-Thank you for bringing that to my house." My voice cracked here and then, and it wasn't more than that of a whisper. "I want to be alone now."

Inwardly I hoped that Armin wouldn't insist on staying here and comfort me. Because no one could cheer me up now. I had reached the point I never ever wanted to be at. Turning back to face Armin again and stepping back a bit, I was about to close the door.

Armin hadn't answered yet. He didn't make any moves to stop me from seperating us with that soon to be closed door. It was when the door was inches from being completely shut that I heard my best friend calling out my name. "Eren." It ached rejecting him like that. "If you ever need to talk... You know where I live. You know that I'm always here for you."

I let him say that until the end before I shut the door completely, without anything to answer, without signalling him that I appreciated that.

There was nothing left inside me for doing something like that. It was like I was dead from the inside. Desperate and dead.

Sitting back on the couch, I let my head fall into the pillows. I literally buried my head into them, hoping to escape from reality and my life.

~~~

It took hours for Levi to come home, but to me it felt like years. During that time I had attempted to collect myself, but in the end that hadn't changed anything.

"If you're tired, then go sleep in your own bed." Levi said in his usual monotone voice.

I straightened up my body, standing up as I watched him with my now dead eyes. There was nothing left inside them anymore.

The raven scoffed. "You look shitty."

"Thanks." _Thanks to you._

He was about to go to his room, but I didn't let him. "Levi." I said with a rather strong voice I didn't know I could manage to bring up at a moment like this.

"What is it, brat?" He sounded slightly annoyed.

Not irritated by the way he had called me, I clenched my fists as I attempted to say the next things without cracking my voice.

"How long do you want to go on like that?"

Levi furrowed his eyesbrows in confusion as if he didn't grasp at first what I was talking about.

"I don't know." he eventually replied, still looking at me with a questioning look.

"Did something change for you during the time we were together?" I went on, slowly losing the last bit of hope that had been fiercly stuck inside me until the very end.

"What are you saying there? Why the fuck are you asking?" Levi gradually became more and more irritated; the sudden change of his tone revealed that.

Gulping hard, I prepared myself to ask him the last question.

"Levi, do you love me?"

During the whole time in which we were fuck buddies, he had never told me directly that he didn't love me. He would either answer with something along the lines that he wasn't the relationship type of guy, or whenever I told him that I loved him, he would always hum as a response or say 'I know'.

"No." His answer came so suddenly, I wasn't prepared for it. I was sure that my heart had almost stopped beating, and sensing the harsh coldness behind this one word made my stomach twist painfully.

The end had come now.

"What is the meaning of all this?" Levi asked in a highly pissed-off voice. "What are you trying to aim for with your damn questions?"

I let my head hung loosely, doing the same to my arms hanging at my sides.

_Levi, you're the worst._

_But at the same time I love you so much._

Taking in a shaky breath, I prepared myself for the words that would come out of my mouth in a few seconds.

Even if I hadn't said them out loud yet, I knew that I didn't want to say them.

But there was no other choice.

This was reality and I had made my choice.

"I want to break up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is that sound? Oh, yeah. It's my heart breaking...


	15. Loving Levi or Leaving Levi? (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. Leaving you all with a cliffhanger, going on hiatus for more than a month then, and finally coming back with a chapter which has an even worse cliffhanger is cruel...
> 
> But I'm a nice person :^)
> 
> Here, have the next chapter! Barely 24 hours have passed since the previous chapter was updated.
> 
> AND I PROMISE THIS DOESN'T END IN A CLIFFHANGER!

**Eren's** **POV**

There was a long silence before Levi spoke up.

"You want to... _break up_?"

I stared at him with emotionless eyes and eventually nodded. "Yes."

"We aren't even a couple." he scoffed.

_Seriously?!_

"You know what I mean. I don't want this fuck buddy thing anymore!" Everything was getting worse for me. I just wanted to disappear from this situation.

There was no reaction on Levi's face, though I couldn't tell whether Levi was hesitating right now or not. Probably not. Why should he?

"Tch. Fine. Whatever. Do as you like."

So this was it? Without any moves to stop me from doing this, without any intentions to keep the fuck buddy relationship stable he was willing to accept the break-up?

I really didn't mean anything to him. Nothing at all. As long as I would please him, everything was alright. There hadn't been any use right from the beginning to tell over and over again that I loved him. Because he didn't care a bit about my words and feelings.

I was a fool for believing that someday there will be more between us.

Accepting to sacrifice my love for him in order to stay by his side hadn't brought me anywhere in the end. This relationship was all time along just physical and a waste of love, and today it would finally come to an end.

Fine. It was better this way anyway.

I wonder... Was I really meaning it just now or was it just something I tried to convince myself to believe?

I couldn't tell.

Oh, fuck it. I didn't know what was right or wrong at the moment! I just... didn't know anything.

"T-Then, I'll go now." I eventually announced, my words hollow and weak.

Levi shrugged indifferently. "I won't hinder you from doing so. It was a pleasant time with you."

Oh, how much I would have laughed and at the same time cried at these words. 'Pleasant'. Yeah, it was pleasant. This was what the raven wanted; a pleasant time!

These couldn't be the last words between us. "The fact that you let me go just easily like that means that you can and will find another one who can satisfy you as much as I can, right?"

"What do you think am I? A slut? I don't always have a sex partner by my side and neither do I have thousands of one-night stands. This isn't how I'm living my life. In fact, you were my first fuck buddy. When we first met, I thought that you and I would have our fun because I really wanted it. After that, I didn't force you to meet me again; it was your own choice. And since I hadn't destested you back then like most of the people I meet, I thought it wouldn't be that bad to have sex with you on a regular basis. After all, this is what it was about right from the beginning! It isn't my fault that you fell in love with me!"

How could he even justify himself like that? He wasn't at fault? 

Since we were already clarifying things, I may as well can clear things up. "Back then when I called you after our first night..." Taking a little pause, I thought of how do say the next things as clearly as possible because there was a high possibility that my voice will crack. Thinking of all these things again, even though we were at the end now, made me emotional again. But there wasn't any reason for being like emotional anymore. "... Actually I had wanted to ask you whether we can start up with a friendship. Because this is what I wanted to be with you at first. Friends. And then..." I could already feel the lump in my throat. You have to stay strong now, Yeager. "I thought that maybe then w-we could have become something more. Something beyond a physical relationsh-"

"Impossible." Levi interrupted me with a determined and strong voice. It startled me inwardly how he could be so sure about that. Where did he take that assurance from?

I furrowed my brows in confusion. "Why do you think that?"

"God, how many times did I tell you already, brat? I'm not into romantic relationships."

This has been a mystery to me all the time and it still was. He never revealed to me why he didn't like romantic relationships. "Why? Why don't you want romantic relationships. Is... Is it something you don't want to have or... something you _can't_ be in?" I had no clue why that last idea came into my mind, but somehow I thought that there might be a certain reason why Levi was the way he was.

"None of your business." he replied harshly, his attitude towards me having slightly altered. I could sense it. I had mentioned something he wasn't willing to talk about. Why? "Don't try asking more about that. Weren't you about to leave?"

His question hit me hard in the gut, I felt like my abdomen twist again. Clenching my teeth, I watched Levi in deep despair as my body began to shake lightly. It would have hurt less if he had ripped my heart out instead of saying that and implying with it for me to leave already.

It was a wonder that I hadn't cried yet.

"We even moved in together." I said in a desperate tone. This wouldn't lead to anything anymore, so why was I still arguing? What was I doing? Why couldn't I control my emotions that were slowly but certainly overtaking my mind and body?

This was the last chance for me to let everything out what I thought needed to be said- it didn't matter how frustating those things were to me.

And this frustration was all that was in me right now. "Who moves in together if they're only sex partners?!" I yelled, clenching my fists.

Levi was untouched by that, still looking at me with a bored expression as his body stayed motionless. "Are you dumb? What is up with you, brat?"

"Just answer." I spoke out between gritted teeth, the words barely being more than a whisper.

The raven clicked with his tongue and sighed loudly before answering. "It was just a matter of convenience. We moved in shortly after we had started our fuck buddy thing because I thought that it wouldn't be ended after a short amount of time. And guess what? It indeed lasted very long. We've spent several months in this apartment and it sure was not a waste. It was simply convenient. I hope you didn't think this was a step to something that we both knew would never happen."

Enough. I didn't want to hear any of this anymore. I'd had enough.

I locked eyes with him again. Those cold grey orbs staring at me. They were so far away. I could see him stand there in front of me with his arms crossed across his chest, his hips swayed to the side a bit, an indifferent expression plastered on his face as he stayed silent, looking at me with knitted eyebrows. The distance between us was so big. It was as if we had been strangers the whole time; we were that much apart from each other.

"You really want to end it?" he then asked all of a sudden.

I was slightly surprised by him asking that, but it didn't affect me deeper at all. Not anymore.

"Yes. Why are you asking?"

"As much as I don't mind that you want to end it, it is something that you decided rather suddenly. You might as well be on drugs or whatever, that's why I am asking. Maybe you're just not sober or completely sane at the moment." The small smug smile proved that Levi was really taking something like this into consideration. Even at a time like this he would think that of me.

It really didn't matter to him that I was leaving our relationship behind.

"I'm fully aware of what I'm doing right now. Sorry to not meet your expectations." There was a sour smile covering my lips and it was the most I could do when actually I just wanted to bury myself and not experience what was happening just now.

Everything took longer than I thought.

And with each passing second it became more unbearable for me to endure and do this big and eventful step.

Leaving this part of my life behind in order to move on also meant that I had to leave Levi behind. If I wanted to move on, I had to do this.

It was pathetic and unbelievable to know that in a few hours- maybe even minutes- I was going to leave the person I deeply fell in love with behind.

Part of me didn't want to do this, but I had to.

Part of me didn't want to feel how it was like to leave something or someone important behind, but I had to.

Part of me didn't want to stop loving Levi, but I had to.

At this point I didn't even know if I was able to forget and stop to love. After all I never had to experience such a painful moment. Life wasn't always beautiful. But the selfish guy I sometimes was I never wanted something bothersome or unpleasant in my life. But who was I to desire a perfect life? A perfect life in which I had my family by my side, my friends by my side, my lover by my side, and no problems or hardships surrounding me.

This was utopic.

"How long do you intend to daydream?" Levi questioned, bringing me back to reality.

I didn't answer right away but walked towards my room instead. "I'll go pack my things."

"Sure."

~~~

When I had finished, Levi was already waiting for me at the door. I very slowly approached him, coming to an halt when I was next to him. Turning around to him, I saw nothing in the raven's eyes. Neither joy, signs of victory, relief, or contentment nor remorse, guilt, regret- and not even indifference.

His face was literally blank.

"You want me to say anything?" he asked.

"You don't have to."

"Hm, but I will."

"Then please do so."

He opened the door for me before facing me again. He looked into my eyes, saying,

"Have a nice life, Eren. I really mean it."

Not only that he had used my name after a long time, but the way he said this to me and what he said caused some indescribable feeling inside me. It was something between sorrow and pain; maybe a mixture of both.

A sudden thought came to my mind and I was glad that it came now and not later when it was already too late.

_The key._

My right hand wandered up to my chest, touching the key that was hanging from my neck in form of a necklace.

That key he had given me _back then..._

I had to give that back. I didn't want it anymore.

Slipping my hand under my shirt, I grabbed the golden key and ripped the necklace apart. The metal was shaking in my palm and it didn't take long until I threw it on the floor.

Levi's eyes widened very slightly and just for a little moment before he held his normal gaze again.

"Here, you can have your key back! I don't need it. I don't want it!" My voice rose, and I was surprised by that myself. If I wanted to forget him, I had to get rid of everything that reminded me of him.

Levi glared at me and to be honest I hadn't expected that and even less could I explain to myself why he was reacting like that. He was glaring but this was the only thing I saw in his eyes. Other than that, his face kept an emotionless expression.

"I'm going now." I whispered, turning around and making my way outside. I didn't waited for him to answer -if he even was going to- and in the end I just wanted to leave as fast as possible.

So I really did it, didn't I?

I really broke up with him. Something I had feared the most and never wanted to happen. Everything was over now and I was the one who ended everything. I think my mind hadn't progressed the break-up yet, right now everything felt so surreal to me. Everything left me, it was like I was a ghost wandering around the streets.

I hadn't realized when this happened and how but here I was, facing Armin's door. My mind was still just a mess and my body had moved on their own the whole time.

When Armin opened the door and I saw his bright blue eyes, all I thought about was how I had reached the lowest point of my life. I didn't even deserve to be here and look into his pretty eyes.

"I-..." The words were stuck in my throat, refusing to slip through my lips. Also, my vision went blurry.

"Eren? Eren, what happened?" he asked in the most worried and saddest voice I had ever heard of him up until now.

"A-Ar-..." I choked on my tears that had piled up inside me the whole time, falling down onto my knees.

My best friend catched me right away, going down on his knees as well as he hugged me tightly. I hugged him, too, and let the tears stream down my face unrestrainedly, sobbing loudly into Armin's shirt. This was really a moment where I couldn't control my tears and emotions anymore. I hadn't the strength for that anymore and there was no way that I would try.

"Eren? What-"

"I broke up with him!" I yelled, continuing to cry and sob after I had managed to bring out this sentence.

Armin didn't need any more information to understand and lead me inside. " _You_ did it?" he had asked, but didn't expect me to answer. And I didn't.

I had just clung to him, crying water falls out of my eyes as my friend stayed by my side, giving me all the time I needed. During that time he didn't speak because he knew that it was useless. I had to calm myself down before I was able to do or say anything, and Armin gave me the time for me to cry my eyes out.

At this very moment, even Jean had the decency to let us alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh! There is a key involved! Yeah, I have to admit that that thing with the key was a really spontaneous idea, BUT I could figure out a meaning for that key very quickly... You'll see what its meaning is after... well... it will take quite some chapters.
> 
> (My heart hurt when I was writing these two chapters :') )


	16. Life Without Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so happy to have more free time to write now, but then write's block said hello. But luckily it only lasted for a few days. Before I will say something about this chapter, let me tell you this:
> 
> Thank you all for your comments!
> 
> Especially the ones from the last two chapters, but of course all the other ones as well! As I said some time before, I'm answering only a few (if I feel like commenting on it). I hope you all know that I appreciate each and everyone's comment! If you didn't know that, I'll say it again:
> 
> Your comments really mean much to me! :')
> 
> Okay, so this chapter... This time it was PLANNED that this chapter is a bit longer than the other ones...
> 
> but...
> 
> Again it got longer than I wanted it to be. °_°
> 
> This chapter will focus on Eren and Armin's friendship. There will be angst at first, but it won't take over the whole chapter! There will be fluffy, heartwarming and funny parts, too!
> 
> Oh, and as you may have already noticed, I ship Jearmin. It's actually my second OTP. I decided to put in Jearmin moments as well. They are kept very decent, so I hope you don't mind.
> 
> Shit, my author's note got longer than expected (God, how much I hate this sentence now)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

**Eren's** **POV**

Sleep was the best and most effective way to forget everything for a while. Sadly, one cannot sleep forever.

I woke up after what felt like days to me, disorientated at first because the room I woke up in was unfamiliar to me.

After some time of concentration and a row of blinking my eyes, I eventually figured out that this was most certainly one of Jean and Armin's room.

Oh, yeah. I remember now.

I remember everything.

So it really had happened, huh?

I really broke up with _him_...

My face frowned as I shifted my body to the side, cuddling the blanket tight to my body. With my eyes closed, all the imagines from the last thing that had happened passed my mind.

My announcement towards him saying that I wanted to end our fuck buddy thing, his indifference towards my decision, the emotional struggle I had to endure while the last words between us were shared, his farewell, and my way of saying goodbye and calling everything between us over by throwing his key away. Not that the key had any significance- at least I didn't know any, but that was because he had given me the key without anything to say about it. Though I had that weird feeling that it held a special meaning. But then again why would he endow me with such a meaningful item if I didn't mean anything to him?

I was probably overanalyzing things, and the key was for sure just some random thing he didn't want to keep anymore. That was all.

I didn't need to think of those things anymore. After all, it was all over now. There was no need to waste time over irrelevant things that belonged to the past now. Not only things but also certain persons.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes again, attempting to think of something else. The time has come in which I had to rearrange my life. Now, I had to overcome a part of my life that had held precious moments, but which (as I had come to realize by now) were nothing more than emptiness. Emptiness of emotions, emptiness of life. I had to leave this part of my life behind and move on by starting anew; since there was no way that someone or something would ever drag me back to the life I used to live with him _,_ there was no one who wouldn't want me to forget and move on.

I was pretty sure that Armin was thinking like that, too.

He had never approved of the relationship I had with _him_ , but he still accepted it more or less. He had to bear with the fact that this was my decision, and as my best friend he did his best to support me. I appreciated it really much and to be honest, I didn't know how to pay him back because he had already done so much for me.

Whenever I was at my lowest point, there was always Armin who would help me to stand up again. It was as if I could entrust my life to him, and he would protect it with his own precious life. People may come and go... but I'll never allow that our friendship will break apart. Of all the things, this was the worst thing that could happen and I would do everything to have my precious blond friend by my side and in my life.

Thinking of it... If Jean and him had really decided to move to their own little island after their wedding, I wouldn't have endured that. Back then when Armin had told me that they had considered it, I wasn't aware of how much it would have hurt and break me if he really were to leave me.

As egoistic as it sounded now, but I was sure that I wouldn't have let him leave.

No way. Not the person who was my friend for the longest time now, and I loved him like I loved my family. In fact, he was somehow _my_ own personal family. My dearest friend and family.

Speaking of which, I had to get up now. I had already wasted enough time laying in bed and being carried away by thoughts. Armin was probably already worrying about me.

Getting up, I draped a pullover over my T-shirt before I made my way to the door. The days had gotten colder and one of the things I hated the most was the cold. When I had the door opened halfway, I realized how Jean and Armin were talking to each other, and what it was they conversed about made me freeze ib my place and shudder unbelievably.

"See? See, I c-couldn't do anything against that!" I heard Armin cry out, his voice weak and cracky.

"But there wasn't more you could do, Armin!" Jean retorted, his voice having a calming touch.

"Eren ended up crying, and I couldn't prevent that from happening! I'm the worst. I-I wasn't even able to be a good friend to him. I shouldn't even let it come that far that my best friend had to experience such a tragic thing that it made him c-cry! It's my fault!" His voice broke off, and now Armin started crying loudly.

"Hey, don't blame yourself for what has happened! It isn't your fault at all!" Whatever Jean said, it didn't stop Armin's sobs.

I could see both of them standing in the living room, but they couldn't see me. I still hadn't left my room entirely and actually I didn't want to go any farther. What was happening here was so upsetting. Armin...

"I'm so useless." Armin whispered in between his sobs, his hands covering his eyes as his bottom lip quivered in utter despair. "Useless. I'm such a useless friend." he went on, crying even more now. Seeing him like that made my heart shatter excruciangly, I was literally feeling the ache in my chest.

"Stop saying that!" Jean intervened, grabbing his husband by his arms. "You aren't useless at all! And you aren't at fault either!"

"H-How am I not useless if I couldn't even help my best friend?" Armin sounded convinced by himself. He really thought that he had failed at being my best friend.

Oh god, how could he think like that?

"Listen to me, Armin. I don't exactly know what it is that happened to Eren and I'm not really intrigued in knowing that in the first place, but what I _do_ know is that you've helped Eren a lot! As his friend, you did well. You gave him advice and talked about everything. It isn't your fault if Eren experiences a loss in his life, so quit blaming yourself for it!"

"But Eren is sad now a-and I couldn't do anything against that." The blond's cries became less, but it was obvious that there were still tears streaming down his face and sobs leaving his mouth.

I should do something now. I should go to him and embrace him and tell him that he didn't do anything wrong. But why couldn't I move forward? Why was I glued to my spot, motionlessly, even though right in front of my eyes my best friend was crying because of me?

I couldn't do anything.

"Armin, you can't demand what he has to do and what not from Eren. You can't decide over his life because it's his life and his decisions. The most you are able to do is to give him advice. If he makes the wrong decision, then you have to accept that. Because he wanted it like that and thus he has to live with the consequences. Armin..." Jean placed the blond's hands in his own, squeezing them fondly. "I don't want to admit it and even less am I eager to say it out loud, but..." His one hand wandered up to Armin's cheek, caressing it ever so lightly as if Armin's face was fragile. And somehow it seemed as if there was a bit of truth in him being fragile now. "Eren can consider himself really lucky to have you as his best friend. And since you're his best friend, now it is your job to comfort him. After all, that idiot is in a really shitty emotional state right now, he won't feel any better without your help. I'm sure!"

Armin chuckled lightly, his tears had finally faded away. "Don't call him like that! It's rude."

"Oh, I beg of you. As if he doesn't call me horseface all the time. It's just fair to insult him back." Luckily, the tension had loosened up and Armin didn't feel as broken as before.

"Nothing is fair here! You two really have to get along some day in the future." The blond pushed his husband away playfully, but the next second Jean approached Armin again, hugging him tight now. Armin hugged him back and it was as if Jean was whispering things to his ear occasionally.

I retreated back to my room, closing the door behind me. What I saw just now was so damn heartbreaking.

It may be that Jean had succeeded in bringing Armin's self-esteem back, but still...

Feeling like a total wreck, I threw myself on the bed, wrapping my whole body in the blanket, guilt overcoming me.

Armin had cried. And it was my fault. I made Armin cry.

~~~

_-ren... Eren... Eren._

"Eren." My eyes dashed open and I realized that it was Armin, who was standing next to the bed, who called my name the whole time just now. "Eren."

I moved my head and looked up to him, blond locks partly covering his face, and a bright smile attached to his facial expression. He was holding a tray; diverse food and a cup on top of it. "Eren, breakfast is ready."

Letting out a low groan, I freed myself from the blanket, sitting up. My blond friend placed the tablet on the nightstand, sitting on the edge of the bed then. The whole time his smile hadn't altered, which made me feel uneasy.

How was he able to put on such a bright smile when a few hours ago he had cried?

Until now I didn't know how capable Armin was to cover up his honest emotions and pretend that he was alright. To be quite frank, if I hadn't caught him crying, right now I would have never guessed that something like that happened. It was dumb of me to think that Armin never had problems; that he was all the time content and happy. In fact, he wasn't, and I was a fool for not having realized that up until now.

"You're probably hungry, aren't you?" he asked, grabbing my hand and squeezing it lightly. He had tried to encourage me at least a bit for the first, he knew that I wasn't a person who gets over things and persons easily.

But right now there was no time for comforting me. Things between me and Armin needed to be cleared out.

Before I had thought thoroughly of what I was saying next, the words were already out of my mouth, not realizing early enough that what I was doing now was one of the biggest mistakes I could do. "Why aren't you saying it? When are you going to say it?" The blond looked at me with a perplexed face, not grasping what I meant with those questions. And for some reason I couldn't shut my mouth. "'I was right.' or 'Told it.' Don't you want to say that to me? After all you were right. That between him and me really didn't work out forever. Just as you guessed from the start. You had doubted that from the beginning, so go on. Say that it is my fault for where I am at now. That I brought myself into this situation! I ended it with him and this is what you expected all the time-"

"Stop!" Armin shouted, his tone loud but also weak. His blue eyes were widened and I could spot little tears forming in the corner of his eyes.

Fuck, I was making him cry again. Why did I have to make everything worse? This is the first time that I'm talking properly to Armin since my break-up and all I did was making the situation worse than it already was.

It was me who was a bad friend, not him!

Sighing loudly, I bit my bottom lip as I lowered my head. I didn't want to see his crying face. Armin was such a nice and pure and happy human being, he didn't deserve to cry.

He let go of my hand. "E-Eren..." There it was. I didn't need to look at him to know that he had started crying. His cracky voice was already revealing it. "Do you really think I waited for you to break up with him? So that I could tell you that I was right?!"

"What I meant was-"

"The whole time..." He took a deep breath, attempting to calm his shaky voice. "The whole time I was hoping that you two would work it out somehow. I had really hoped that my worries and assumptions would never come true! I didn't want this to happen! And yet..."

His voice broke off and Armin started to let his tears fall from his eyes unrestrainedly. Shit, what did I do? "Armin..."

His head fell on my laps, his arms wrapping around my waist. "You're my best friend, Eren. I don't want to see you being an emotional wreck. It hurts me seeing you cry."

Now had come the moment when guilt overwhelmed me completely. "Armin, what I wanted to say..." I touched him by his cheeks and raised his body until we were on eye level. As I wiped some tears off his face, I edged closer to him, shushing him quiet. After a short silence, I spoke again. "Armin, I heard you and Jean talking to each other before."

This made his eyes widen again, his body tensing up. "You heard?"

I nodded weakly, not taking my eyes off of him. "Yes, and it really tore me inwardly apart to hear how you claimed that it was your fault and how you called yourself a useless friend." My blond best friend tried to lower his head and hide behind his locks, but I didn't let him. My hands on his cheeks held his head in his place.

A sad smile played around my lips when I said the next thing. "You aren't at fault, Armin. Not at all! Everything was my fault. It was me alone who was at fault. _I_ decided to do it the way I thought was the right way. _I_ fucked up and have to deal with the consequences of it now. _You_ were trying to help me, but I thought that your help wouldn't help me the way I wanted and needed it because we held two different views regarding my relationship to him. Don't blame yourself for that every again, okay?"

It was now Armin who bit his lips, shyly nodding then. Luckily, there weren't any tears floating anymore. "Oh, and please," I looked him deep into the eyes, my own orbs filled with concern and my voice as serious as possible, "Please, never ever believe again that you are a useless friend. I don't want you to say that ever again. You aren't useless at all and you never used to be. You're my precious friend and you're really important to me! I can't think of a life without you in it, and I don't want to imagine that. I want you to be my best friend for the rest of my life."

Relief took over me when I saw how Armin's face brightened up a bit, nodding eagerly as a big smile crept on his face. His eyes were wet again, but his time those were tears of joy. He then embraced me, snickering lightly as I hugged him back. I was so glad that everything was alright between us again, even though I had started this conversation in the worst way ever. In the end we were able to straighten up things, and only that mattered.

When we released from the embrace, the blond rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry for crying. Actually, it shouldn't be me doing that. You have it worse."

"Hey. Don't apologize for crying. It's totally okay." I caressed one of his cheeks as he nodded again.

We had almost talked everything through. Almost. There was one thing left. One thing that made me worry as well.

"Armin... How many times did you cry and pretended after that that you didn't?"

He looked at me silently for quite a few seconds, cocking his head as a blush of embarrassment tainted his cheeks and a sad, little smile appeared on his face. "Oh, you mean because of just now..." He pressed his lips together before answering. "I behaved liked that because I wanted to be strong for you. You were already an emotional mess, it wouldn't have done any good if I was the same. You needed someone by your side now and I wanted to be that someone. But for that I had to pull myself together." My friend let out an insecure laugh to play everything down, but it didn't work on me.

"It doesn't matter how much of a wreck I am. I simply don't want anyone -and the least my best friend- to pretend that everything is alright when nothing is alright. Your self-confidence was affected, this isn't something irrelevant."

Now it was Armin who was plagued with guilt. "We're best friends, Armin. We can talk about everything, okay?"

"I'm sorry. I won't do that again."

I still hadn't my answer.

"But you still haven't answered my question." I said. "How many times did you pretend? Most importantly, how many times did you do that in front of me?"

Armin scratched the back of his head and shrugged. "In front of you, I hadn't done that before, but... Well, I once behaved like that in front of Jean. Heh, he saw through it right away."

Hearing that made my brows furrow. "Was it recently? Do you two have problems?" I swear if Jean was hurting Armin in any way, I would go and hurt him twice as much back and without any hesitation!

Armin shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no, no! It was a long time ago and the reason behind it was half as bad as you think."

I narrowed my eyes, but accepted his explanation. "Tell me if that fucking horseface is hurting you and I'm gonna-"

"Eren." The blond placed his hands on his hips, tilting his head again as one brow was raised and his face held a scolding expression.

I huffed defeatedly. "Just saying." I murmured lowly, with my eyes averted. Although it was because of something else that he was scolding me.

He responded with a chuckle. "Oh, and in case you ask yourself that question... Jean doesn't know much about all this. Just that something bad happened. Nothing more."

As always I was grateful to him that he cared for me in all ways.

"I see."

~~~

Most of the time I spent the next few days in my bed, being all gloomy and depressed. During that time I never talked about him with Armin and since he noticed that, he deduced that I didn't want to think of him. That was why he didn't mention him either and instead he had tried to distract me with other things. Though his attempts failed every time. My friend never had succeeded in getting me out of bed, the most he had reached once was to tug me away from the mattress, but it only resulted in my body laying hard on the floor, not moving an inch. And thus Armin gave up and let me be.

There would come the time when I was ready to live normally again, but that time wasn't now. It was an exception that on my first day here I had managed to get out of bed and make my way out of my room- though we all knew that I didn't even get that far with this; but for other reasons and not because of my depressed state of mind.

I just didn't feel like participating in life. At this time, I preferred it to move between my blankets and get all moody. Just because my mind couldn't get rid of _him._ At least not yet, and I hated myself for that. I didn't eat much either, which made Armin worry and in the process of him attempting to convince me to eat something we would always end up talking about everything- except him. Armin would always sit on the edge and I would always be wrapped in my blanket, my back facing my friend. I took some days off of work, and Armin did the same, although I had tried to make him clear that he didn't need to. The answer was a smack on my forehead and a 'Of course I'll stay with you, screw work!'. So I spent my days meditating in sorrow and Armin was my audience.

It was on the fifth or sixth day that I pulled myself together and left the room. It felt as if standing on my feet and walking on them was something new I discovered, even though I had headed the bathroom once in a while, but this right now was something else.

With my blanket around my shoulders, covering my whole body tightly, I entered the living room. There I wasn't met with Armin, but with someone else.

Jean was sitting on the couch, his head propped on one side on his hand as his elbow was rested on the couch rest. He looked at me and I looked back. There was a long silence in which only death glares were exchanged. At some point, the two-toned guy stopped doing it, rolling his eyes instead as he sighed annoyingly.

"I offer a truce for the time being." he then said.

I clenched my teeth, causing with that my jaw to tighten. "Deal."

Moving with my blanket, I sat down on the couch, the farest away from him, which was in this case the other end of the couch. I crossed my legs in a sitting position, cuddling myself in my sheets.

"Zap to another channel. This movie is lame." he commented. At first I didn't understand why he was asking me to do that, but soon I noticed that the remote was on the coffee table in front of me. I freed one arm of mine from my warm and cosy cover to grab the device. I then zapped through the channels, not realizing that I wasn't halting but instead zapped without any particular destination on what to watch.

"Decide for one already!" I heard Jean yell, making me wake up from my daze as I stopped at some random channel. It was a documentary about animals in nature, but I didn't really pay attention to it. After he clicked his tongue, I saw Jean next to me from the corner of my eyes, snatching the remote away from my hands with a growl and moving back to his seat before changing the channel. "Who the fuck wants to watch a documentary about animals?!"

I let him watch whatever he wanted to watch and watched it with him, since I just didn't want to be in my room the whole time anymore.

A few minutes later, Jean turned off the TV, total silence filling the room. He just crossed his arms, chewing on his bottom lip. I didn't ask him why he did that, but somehow I could already sense that there was something horseface wanted to say.

"You want to know what happened." I started after some time, even though there was no hint that this was what was gnawing at his mind.

"Not necessarily, but-"

"Relationship problems." I couldn't explain to myself why exactly these words came out of my mouth. How could I call it a 'relationship' that I used to have? It wasn't a romantic relationship, Jean didn't know what it really was. "No, wait. This was put wrongly. It's rather unrequited love."

Why was I telling him all that?! It was Jean (Jean!!) whom I was talking to.

"Is she married?" Jean asked.

"No."

"Is she in love with another one?"

"No." If I could, I would have laughed at this question.

"Is she imaginary?!"

"What- No! What the fuck! He's of flesh and blood, and the case is something your little brain can never ever imagine!"

I didn't notice the mistake I did just now until Jean pointed it out. "Wait... HE?!"

Oh my fucking god! Of all people... Of all people, Jean should have been the last one to know that I used to have something from the same sex.

"You're gay?!"

"Am not! Well... N-Not really. Fuck, I don't really know." I admitted, feeling how my cheeks heated up a bit. Blushing while Jean could witness it was one of the shittiest things that could happen. This was the most fitting situation for horseface to make fun of me.

But he didn't.

"Want any advice?" he asked, surprising me with that.

Wait, was he taking our truce seriously or was Jean actually really a nice person? Nah, it was the first, for sure!

I scoffed. "Why should I take advice from you?" I gave accent to the last word as I turned my head away.

"Pfft! Excuse me? Just tell me quickly, who is the married one of us both, huuuh?" He did the same as me, stressing his last word. I didn't reply to this, which made it obvious for him that he got a point. "Right... Me. Hence I can't do everything wrong in my relationship with Armin, otherwise he wouldn't have married me and I wouldn't be where I was at now."

With an audible sigh and a roll of my eyes, I then said, "Spit it out already."

"Fight for it."

Those words came out of his mouth all of a sudden and they even left me speechless for the first few seconds.

"Fight for the love, and fight for him. I'm speaking from my own experience."

I knew what he was talking about. This experience of his. It was when he had wooed Armin. It was quite impressive that Jean didn't give up winning Armin's heart, even though Armin used to be really resistant and repellent. If Jean weren't my foe, I would have showed my respect to him. After all he had done well back in the past, he deserved Armin. And my best friend was happy with horseface, so I couldn't reject and disapprove of their relationship. Not when Armin was happy with him.

Fight for it, huh? This was fucking pointless!

There was no use in fighting for his love because that person was sheer unable to love, and it make me sick to remember that.

I was close to crying, but regained my composure when Armin joined in on us.

"Oh?" he sounded surprised, "You two? In one room? Without any yells?"

"Our rivalry is on ice for a while." Jean responded.

"Why not forever?" Armin asked casually to which Jean just snorted.

"How do you feel, Eren?" I looked up to the blond, shrugging my shoulders then. He placed his hands on my shoulders, giving them a soothing stroke. "Everything will be better soon. Alright? Oh, it's good that this comes to my mind now. You haven't eaten properly for the last few days. Shall I go and make you someth-"

"No."

This made the blond speechless for a short time. "A-Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well then... But just so you know, you can go the kitchen whenever you want to and eat whatever you want."

"Hm."

Part of me felt guilty for treating him like that, but seriously food was the last thing I wanted to deal with at the moment.

"Just let him be." Jean suggested.

For once I agreed to what he was saying.

Armin sighed and looked at both of us, his head flipping from left, to Jean, to right, to me. "Why are you two sitting as far as possible on the couch? Is that really necessary?"

"Who cares," Jean replied, patting the spot next to him on the left side, "Come, sit here."

The blond wasn't sure at first, but when I signalled him via eye contact that it was totally okay for him not to sit next to me, he hesitantly sat down beside his husband. The two-toned guy slung an arm around his shoulder, scooting Armin's upper body and head closer to him.

But of course my best friend couldn't leave it like that. I fucking knew it.

"Eren, don't sit there on the other end of the couch. Here, sit next to me." Just as Jean did moments ago, Armin patted the seat next to him as well, looking at me with a hopeful gaze.

I didn't mind sitting here all by myself, but something in particular -it was rather _someone_ in particular- made me change my mind. I noticed how Jean was watching me from the corner of his eyes, sending me death glares as in telling me that I should back the fuck off from Armin. If eyes could kill, I would have died now. I could spot the dangerous jealousy in Jean's orbs, but this was what amused me to be honest. Because of his threatening stare not to approach Armin and cuddle next to him, I decided to exactly do it.

With a little smirk plastered on my face, I crawled to the seat next to the blond. "Okay, Armin. I will sit next to you. Thanks for the offer." I glanced quickly at Jean, seeing how he had to control himself in order to not punch me. It was rather that he couldn't; once because Armin  wouldn't like him doing that and the other thing was our truce. And I shall mention that I enjoyed teasing him because horseface was defenseless against me right now. This felt so good.

And I continued my tease.

As Armin turned on the TV and sat back, laying his head on Jean's chest, I decided to do the same. So I cuddled into my best friend's side and luckily Armin didn't mind me doing that. In contrary, he ruffled my hair, smiling silently, and rested his arm on my back then.

I could hear how Jean was grunting and growling and cursing lowly as his body tensed and his hand that was over Armin's shoulder moved to my head, his fingers spread and ready to tear at my hair.

It didn't go unnoticed by Armin. "Jean, calm down. He's just cuddling with me."

" _That's_ the problem! He's cuddling with you." he protested, though his hand went limp.

"Don't get jealous for no reason. It's fine."

"But-"

"It's fine." The bossy tone in his voice made Jean shut silent, pouting in annoyance.

Why not stir horseface's jealousy a bit more up?

"Here, have some of my blanket, Armin." I said as I placed a part of the cover over the blond's body.

"Oh. Thank you, Eren."

A sly smile crept onto my face when I heard Jean sucking in his breath, his hands clenched to fists.

Oh god, this was so entertaining.

I tried to muffle my laughter and most likely succeeded. Some time after, Jean's hand was hovering above my head again. He spelled something with his fingers: 'I  W-I-L-L  K-I-L-L  Y-O-U' while he pointed at me when he was at the word 'you'.

Smirking slightly, I shooed his hand away. The two-toned man gnarled at me, but covered it up with a cough.

"Are you alright?" Armin asked, being suspicious.

"I'm alright." Jean answered.

My friend furrowed his brows, examining his husband's expression before looking at me. I put on the most innocent face I could manage.

Armin let go of both of us all of a sudden, sitting straight. "Eren, why are you doing that? And Jean stop being jealous for no reason!"

Both of us watched him disappointedly and innocently as we shouted simultaneously, "It's his fault!" pointing at the other.

It would have ended in a big quarrel soon if it weren't for Jean's phone that rang now.

Jean stood up, picking up the call. "What's up, Reiner?"

While he was talking to Reiner, Armin half-lay on the couch, his head propped on his palm as I rested my head on his torso. Jean noticed that and pushed my head away angrily, even though Armin had attempted to stop him from doing that. Scowling and growling at him, I rubbed the spot on my face from which he had shoved me off from my friend, muttering curses.

I sat up straight and cuddled back into my blanket right when Jean ended his call.

"Gotta go and meet with Reiner and Bertholdt." he announced, while putting on his jacket.

"You three don't see each other as often as before." Armin stated.

"Yeah. That's why each and every meet of us is all the more important to me. I'm _so clos_ e to making them a couple." he said proudly.

"Why are you trying to hook them up? Perhaps they don't want that." I said, frowning.

Jean retorted with a snort. "Reiner is gay as fuck, and Bertholdt is either too blind or too dumb, or maybe even both, to realize how thirsty Reiner is for him." Flicking his head to me, he continued, "I'm just helping them. Otherwise they won't manage to get together after even 100 years!" He threw his hands in a dramatic way when he uttered the last sentence, and soon he went back to normal as he glared at me then.

I didn't really know why he did that, but I glared back.

Suddenly, his attention was directed to Armin. "Armin..." Jean said in a soft voice, taking bis husband's hand into his own hands as he went down on one knee.

When this happened, Armin straightened up from is laying position, fidgeting as to why this was happening, and from one second to the other I felt like I was out of place now.

Armin looked at his two-toned husband, with utter confusion written all over his face. "J-Jean? W-What you doing there? We are already married."

Jean rolled his face as he sighed inaudibly. "I know that. Listen. I'm sorry that I was jealous just now and that I lost my temper."

"It's okay! I'll forgive you." The blond was still irritated, not following Jean's actual intentions.

Oh my god, I wished I wasn't here witnessing this!

"It may be right that I told you to comfort Eren," he went on, "but not like in having as much physical contact as possible. This little shit doesn't need more than an encouraging slap on the back." He pointed at me.

He was going too far now.

"The fuck! I thought we called it a pause between our rivalry!"

"I thought that too, idiot! _Until_ you decided to make me jealous on purpose by clinging onto Armin!"

We were so close to fighting each other, but Armin didn't let it come so far. "Stop it you two. Jean just go and meet with Reiner. We'll talk about that later, okay?"

The blond accompanied Jean to the door. Before they reached it horseface told me one last thing. "Don't touch Armin or I'll break your fingers."

I just huffed in annoyance, shaking my head as I sat down again and wrapped the blanket around my body one more time.

After Jean kissed him goodbye, Armin came back, sat down, and sighed in exhaustion. "Once the time has come, you two will have to get along."

I snorted. "Pfft. Maybe in another life, but not in our current lives."

There was a little pause.

"I really thought he was going to propose to you a second time."

My best friend held his head in his hands. "I thought that, too!"

There was silence for a second time before I spoke up again.

"Why doesn't Bertholdt notice?"

"I seriously don't know."

All of a sudden there was another phone ringing.

"It's your phone, Eren."

I grabbed my phone from my back pocket, staring at the display. "Isabel?" I wondered. Why was she calling me?

Oh, fuck. I remember. The birthday party. Fuck, I totally forgot about it.

"Why aren't you answering?" Armin asked, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, not! It's okay. You can stay here. It's just... It's Levi's sister calling. She and her brother have the same birthday and will throw a big party. They invited me, too. After all back then, we were still... you know... "together". But now that things have changed..."

"You don't want to go there anymore." Armin completed the sentence for me.

I bit my bottom lip, still not answering the phone. "Is that bad?"

Armin shook his head. "No, not at all! It's understandable that you don't want to attend the party. You don't want to see him. That's totally okay. Don't force yourself to something you know you can't handle just because you want to be nice and follow the invitation. Eren, I can see it on your face that you don't want to see him." Armin caressed my cheek, and I gave in to that soft touch. "But you have to tell them that you won't come."

I nodded slightly, raising the phone on my hand, which was still ringing. Isabel didn't give up that easily, huh?

I picked up the call. "Hey, Isabel."

" _Finally! What were you doing the whole time, Eren? Taking a shit, but it wasn't coming out?!"_

She laughed at her own joke while I stayed silent.

_"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. You can guess why I am calling?"_

"Yes. And I want to talk to you about tha-"

 _"So! The party will be on the upcoming_ _saturday_ _."_

"Isabel, I-"

_"And it will start..."_

Why was she interrupting me the whole time. Slowly but certainly I was losing my patience.

"Isabel, I won't come to your party." I said in one breath, hoping that she listened.

 _"Yeah, yeah. Whatever._ _Wait-_ _What?! You aren't coming?? "  
_

"I'm sorry, but I won't. _  
_

_"Why?!"_

It made me feel guilty hearing her disappointed voice.

 _"Eren, this isn't true, right? You're just_ _joking_ _, right?"_

There was still hope in her voice and it made my heart ache. I felt so bad for making her sad, even though it wasn't even her fault for me not coming. She can go and thank her brother for that.

"I'm sorry, Isabel. There... I can't come because I have an appointment. It's for work and important."

 _"On a_ _saturday_ _?"_

"Yes."

_"Don't do that to me, Eren. I really want you to come to our party."_

"I'm sorry."

 _"_ _Please, come, Eren. It's already bad enough that Levi won't come, but I want at least you to be there because you are our new friend!"_

That one little information gained my attention and I straightend my body in mere seconds.

"Wait, did you just say that Levi won't come?"

I looked at Armin with a confused face, he looking back at me the same way.

 _"Yes. He told us a few days ago. I wondered why he doesn't want to attend the party because he always_ _celebrated_ _with us the years before. I really don't know why he's said that. Do you know why he won't come, Eren?"_

"No, I don't know."

It couldn't be that he didn't want to go to the party because of my break-up, could it? There was no way that Levi was upset because we parted... or was he?

No, this couldn't be. For that I knew him well enough. But then why...?

I heard how Isabel was saying something to someone standing close to her.

_"No, Farlan. I won't accept that. I want him to come! Levi won't be there! Isn't that already the worst?! I want Eren to be at our party! I will convince him!"_

Hearing her saying that made me reconsider my decision. There was only one reason why I didn't want to go, but now that that reason wasn't a reason anymore... Technically speaking, there wasn't a reason anymore _not_ to attend the party, right?

I made eye contact with Armin, my eyes helpless and pleading for his help. He just shrugged his shoulders as he mouthed 'Your decision'.

After some time deep in thought, I made a decision.

_"Eren, are you still there? Did you hang up?!"_

Isabel was literally screaming into my ears.

"No, I didn't. I'm still here. And I have good news for you."

 _"There can't be any good news for me anymore."_ she whined.

"I decided that I _will_ attend your party."

_"Really?! You will come?!"_

Her mood changed from upset to crazily happy within one second. I didn't know how something like that what was possible, but she was proof that it was.

"Yes. I will postpone my appointment or ask a co-worker to stand in for me."

 _"_ _Yaaasssssssss_ _!_ _Wohooo_ _! That's great. I'm so happy right now. Thank you, Eren. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"_

"Yeah, yeah. It's no biggie."

By now I was smiling as well. Hearing how happy I made her brightened my mood as well.

 _"Okay! So the party will start at 9 PM. Feel free to come earlier if you want to. Oh, yeah. Right, the location. Do you know the West End District of_ _Shiganshina_ _?"_

"Yeah, I know that district."

 _"Wall Maria Road III. On that street you have to search for the house number 5. There aren't actually many houses located, that's why it's good to celebrate there. It's a_ _mansion_ _that we used to always visit during summer break, but we don't do that anymore. Do you think you can find that place?"_

"I already have a guess which house you mean. You don't have to worry about me."

 _"Okay, great! Then, until_ _saturday_ _, right? And this isn't a joke of you, right? You'll come to the party, right?!"_

I chuckled lowly.

"Yes, I will come. Unless I die for whatever reason."

I felt how Armin jabbed my side hard, making me wince. He glared at me as I rubbed the hurt spot.

_"Don't you dare die!"_

And then Isabel ended the call.

"Don't say that, Eren."

"I'm sorry... mom." I said, rolling my eyes jokingly.

"So you really want to go?" he then asked.

"Yes. I mean, he won't be there, so I'll be fine."

"But you will be surrounded by people who might know him and there is a high chance that at least his siblings will mention him at least once. I'm sure of that."

"I think I can handle that. Hearing of and seeing him are two different things."

My friend nodded slowly. "But should there be a time when you think that you can't deal with it anymore... You can call me. I can pick you up. No matter what time we have."

"Thank you, Armin. I really appreciate that." I sent him a genuine smile.

"What shall we do now?" I asked after some time.

Armin stood up and faced me with a huge smile on his face. "You know what? Let us go out for a while as well."

~~~

"Did you tell your family what has happened?" Armin asked.

We were sitting on a bench after we had bought warm drinks for ourselves. Armin was leaning against my shoulder and I was leaning against his head.

"No. My parents didn't know about my fuck-buddy relationship- and they shall never know!"

"Don't worry. I never intended to tell them if that's what you fear. It's your business. I won't tell, it doesn't matter how close I am to them."

"Okay. And well, Mikasa... If I had called here -even if it was on phone- she would have noticed right away that there was something wrong with me. I know what would come next. She would drag me to her and my parents' home, lock me up in her room and force me to tell everything that has happened. Lying would be useless. On top, this would mean that she was going to skip university in order to take care of me 24/7, and I don't want her to do that."

"You mean a lot to her." Armin stated.

"I know. But she can't help me right now."

I took a sip from my coffee, taking a deep breath. "It's getting colder."

My blond friend chuckled. "Of course it's getting colder. It's October after all."

I narrowed my eyes because Armin reminded me of something.

"Yeah, that's right. _October._ Reminds me of something that has to do with you, Armin. It was your birthday on the third... but you weren't home." I said in a reproaching tone, waiting for an explanation.

"Well..." Armin looked at me now, sheepishly, scratching his head.

"I had visited you on that day, but you weren't home. And you didn't answer your phone either."

"I wanted to explain it to you when giving you the thing back you forgot at my house, but..."

I knew exactly why he didn't tell me back then. It was because of me.

"You can explain it to me now." I just said.

"Jean and I went to our island." he revealed quickly. "Actually this was _his_ surprise, I didn't know that before. We spent three days there."

Jean, that sly shithead. Going with Armin to their own island to have the blond for himself and knowing that there was no way that other people would disturb them... Sly but clever.

"I'm sorry." Armin said, pouting cutely. Oh god, no one could not forgive such a cute face.

"It's fine. It was your birthday after all." I ruffled his hair, and he leant against me again. "How does it feel like to be 24?

"The same as being 23." Of course he would answer like that.

"Wait, was the weather even pleasant there?"

"It indeed was. Really sunny and a blue sky the whole day and night. Jean was close to staying there a little while longer."

I took a little pause before saying the next thing. "Jean really does you good, huh?"

I could literally hear Armin smile and blush. "Yeah."

I smiled a little as well. "Sometimes it's still so unreal to me. You two together, even married. When I remember how Jean started to like you in highschool..."

"Hm. Back then I thought it was his puberty and hormones that made him have those feelings towards me. I rejected him time and again because I was sure that this was just a phase of his."

"And then, when we all attended the same university, his love for you grew bigger."

"But I still didn't accept his love. I still had some doubts, but most importantly I just wanted to concentrate on my studies."

"Whatever you did or said to Jean... he never gave up."

"And then after graduation, I accepted his love. Sometimes I still feel guilty for having him wait for so many years. That he not once had thought of giving up until the end..."

I hummed approvingly. "The fact that during all those years he didn't get into a relationship with another person just proves how much you meant to him and still do. That damn horseface loves you really much."

"Eren." Armin said in a stern voice.

"What? His face is longer than everyone else's, that's why it looks like-"

"Eren." The serious tone was still there.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Fine."

We sat in silence for a while, watching passersby, birds and leaves passing by. I was about to drink from my coffee when a thought came to my mind.

"Presents..."

"What?" Armin questioned.

"Presents. I still don't have any gifts for Isabel and Farlan." I realized only now, freezing in light shock.

"Well then..." Armin stood up, grinning at me, "Let us go to the shopping mall and buy them presents."

~~~

"I seriously don't know what to buy them. I'm bad at choosing gifts."

My best friend and I were in some random shop, viewing various things with the hope that one of them was suitable as a gift.

"Hm, what do you know about them?" asked Armin as he examined a package in his hand, while a finger was placed on his chin.

"Um, Farlan is the eldest and works in a IT company. Oh, and I think he wants to develop his own video games one day. Isabel is majoring in Arts. She likes video games, I guess."

"Art student and nerd, huh?" he murmured, loud enough for me to hear.

"Trust me, Armin. Farlan doesn't look like a nerd. _Not at all._ "

"Oh, really? Already fallen for him?" he joked, wiggling his brows.

"N-No!" God, why did I have to blush now? "I-It's not like I'm looking for something serious at the moment. At the moment, I'm sick of being with someone- it doesn't matter if it's only physical or with feelings."

"I see. How does he look like?"

I regarded my friend suspiciously as I approached him, throwing an arm around his shoulders. With a low and seductive voice I said, "He looks hot."

"Eren, I'm married."

"That-"

"By the way, do you even know if he likes guys?"

I mouthed an 'oh' since I hadn't thought of that yet. "You're right. I don't even know. That aside, I didn't know you were so judgemental, Armin, hmmm?"

"Me calling him a nerd was a joke. Don't take it seriously and _don't_ tell him that."

I patted his head as I leant my own head against it.

"Here! What about this? I'm sure they will like it!" Armin said excited, his eyes glistening as he held up a thing I didn't really pay attention to.

I glanced quickly at it then looked into his eyes, smiling softly.

Out of the blue I decided to hug him. He was surprised by that, but I didn't say a word. I hugged him tighter as my smile grew bigger.

"Eren, what..."

"Thank you, Armin. Thank you for everything. Thank you for always being there for me, for encouraging me when I'm uncertain about a thing, for brightening my mood when I'm upset, for... Thank you for being the best friend I could ever have." I kissed his temple, caressing that spot.

He hugged me back and let out muffled and incoherent words, due to his face buried in my jacket.

We stayed like that for a while.

"Aw, this is cute." Both of us heard someone saying that.

Turning around, we spotted Bertholdt to our surprise.

"Hey, Armin. Hey, Eren." he greeted us.

"H-Hi." We greeted back simultaneously.

"Wait..." I remarked, "If Bertholdt is here, then Reiner is also here. And if Reiner is here, then..."

"Jean." Armin spoke my thought out loud, although it was nothing more than a whisper.

Soon, we heard a familiar voice yelling.

"Let go of me, Reiner! Release my arm! I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill that shithead of Yeager!"

Jean was a bit far away from us, held back by Reiner, but he didn't care. Horseface still tried to get away from Reiner's grip, although it was obvious that he didn't stand any chance against Reiner's muscular arms.

Just now, Jean saw Armin and me embracing each other.

"Calm down, Jean. There is no reason for you to be in rage." Reiner said.

"Shut up! Let me go! Fuck off! I saw it! I saw it with my own eyes! He fucking kissed _my_ Armin on the head. I swear, Yeager! I will kill you with my own bare hands!"

I stuck out my tongue at him indifferently as Armin walked over to him, trying to calm him down.

It was funny to see Jean like that and even more hilarious was how he was held back by Reiner. No matter how much he strained himself to free himself from the grip, it was no use.

It took Armin literally half an hour to calm down his husband and then we could continue with our shopping.

I must say that today was really eventful, but I couldn't complain. Not once did I thought about him. It was good like that.

I was on my way to forget about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* Now, I really want to write Jean and Armin's backstory. I mean, I already have everything in mind! Hm, maybe I'll write it for myself some day...
> 
> Oh, and you got to know Armin's age! In one or two of the upcoming chapters Eren and Levi's ages will be revealed as well. For your information: Isabel will turn 21, Farlan will turn 30. Remember that Armin is younger than Eren and Levi younger than Farlan. Anyone who wants to guess their ages? 
> 
> Tbh I'm pretty content with this chapter. I think Eren and Armin's friendship is beautiful to look at; even if it was angsty at the beginning of this chapter. I'm pretty satisfied of the little amount of Jearmin it had and I hope you also liked the funny parts. XD (Jelly Jean has become my fave)
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter as a whole!


	17. The Birthday Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really really disappointed in myself. Why? Because this title doesn't have 'Levi' in it. I actually wanted to entitle every heading with 'Levi', but it was impossible for this chapter. ;-;
> 
> (It may be that my writing style sucks in this chapter- for whatever reason. I'm sorry for that!)

**Eren's** **POV**

Today was the day of the party, and not much time was left until I would make my way to that said place. Since the day I had left my room and participated in life until now were days in which I started to gradually feel better. I wasn't that much depressed or gloomy anymore and neither did I feel like staying in house for the whole day. That was why I started to work again, together with Armin.

I was on my way to recover from the pain. And I hoped the recovery wouldn't last long anymore.

I wanted to focus on other things from now on.

Things that wouldn't hurt me again that badly.

 _People_ who wouldn't hurt and treat me again that cruelly.

Sitting on my bed cross-legged, I noticed only now that I hadn't received any calls or text messages from him. Not that I had expected that or waited for him to do it, but it was just a little realization that told me how less I had meant to him. How less he cared about me.

That fucking asshole.

If I happen to see him again, I will definitely punch him in the face.

One day, he shall feel the physical pain that I had to endure emotionally.

I tossed my phone away and took a deep breath. I had no reason to get angry now. Not today. I wanted to have fun today. And I would certainly not let my mood drop because of him.

A knock on the door gained my attention to turn my head to the side, waiting for the person to come inside. Not much later a blond head with a big smile plastered on the face peeked from behind the door.

"Hey, Eren. Are you ready?" Armin said.

"Yes." I nodded. "Is my outfit okay?"

"It's just black clothes. What do you want me to say to an outfit like that?" He chuckled lightly, making me purse my lips.

"Whatever. And my hair? I tried to style them a bit."

"Messy as ever." he stated as he gave a thumb up.

"You're not a help at all, you know that?"

Armin snickered again, approaching me. "I was just kidding. Your hair is perfect like that."

"Somehow I can't manage to tame my hair- no matter how many hair styling products I use. Actually, I don't want to use them. They feel disgusting on my beautiful messy mop of hair."

My friend rearranged some of my locks, trying to bring them to place as he hummed as a response. "Don't worry. You're known for your messy hair. It suits you really well."

"Oh, I didn't know?" I answered sarcastically, poking his clothed abdomen since he was standing and I was still sitting on my bed, and besides, I had nothing else to do. Boredom had already overtaken me for the whole day, I really had no clue what to do besides reading and rolling on the bed like a sushi roll.

Armin's fingers let go of my hair. "I think your hair is fine like that." he said as he shooed my hand away from his stomach.

"Thanks."

The next thing he did was certainly something he shouldn't have done because now all the efforts were nothing more than a waste. He ruffled my hair.

"It's about time, right?" Armin asked, _still_ running his hand through my hair. I just looked at him with an expression that showed how I couldn't believe what was happening right now. Finally, the blond noticed. "Oh! Oh, oh! I'm so sorry, Eren. It was a reflex."

And then he spent another five minutes to adjust my hair again and I spent another five minutes to poke him.

"Yes, I think it's really about time to go now." I replied to his previous question.

He was silent for a while before he spoke. "Okay. But there's one last thing I want to tell you."

"Hm?" I raised my head as I looked up to him indifferently, not being really curious to what he was going to say. Probably something along the lines 'Don't get drunk.' or maybe even 'Have fun, but don't exaggerate it.'

"I just want to remind you that you don't have to stay there if it's too much for you. I have a weird feeling because of that party. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but I still want you to take care of yourself." His tone was serious and concerned, and his expression wasn't any different from that.

But there wasn't anything to worry about. "Yeah, yeah. I'll leave when things are too much for me. Got it."

"Don't take it so lightly."

" _You_ have to worry less, Armin. I'll be alright. It's all a matter of distraction. Today, I want to distract myself and have fun." I sent him a reassuring smile to which he responded with an upward curve of his lips.

"Okay."

~~~

"Heeeeeeeyyyyy!" I heard Isabel shouting the second the door was opened and Isabel's face shown. "There you are!"

Farlan stood next to her and seemed to be happy to see me as well. "I'm glad you could make i-"

"Oh, presents!" Isabel interrupted her brother, snatching the gifts off my hand and making her way inside. But before she could make it that far, Farlan had already grabbed her by the top of her head, turning the girl around and silently telling her something by glaring at his sister as he raised his eyebrow.

The red-haired girl seemed to understand because after that she faced me again and bowed lightly. "Thank you for the presents, Eren. We appreciate that really much."

"N-No problem. Happy Birthday, Farlan and Isabel."

They thanked me at the same time (how can they be _not_ twins?!), letting me in.

Then, Isabel was freed to go inside the house and oh how she ran inside, giggling and cheering.

I came closer to Farlan. "You didn't need to force her to do that. It's okay."

He grabbed me by my arm, his eyes piercing through mine as he hissed, "Isabel will graduate from university soon. She will have to have some manners! She isn't a child anymore!"

Technically he was right, but today we could call it an exception. "Nevermind that." I said, and after a little pause, "Champagne?" I held up the bottle that I had brought along and it seemed that Farlan liked my other present.

"Oh! Alcohol is always good." He took the bottle and lead me to a big room. There was a snack bar filled with finger food and other delicious things, many diverse drinks and cocktails, high round tables and it seemed that in the middle of the room was the dance floor. Quite a few people were already here and music was coming out of the speakers as well.

"We've invited many people, but not everyone is here yet, " Farlan explained, "most of them are our friends and the rest are... well, you know, the friends of our friend's friends and so on, but we all do know them, so here is no one that is a stranger to us. But of course you don't know any of them yet. That's why for the first you shall meet our closest friends. Not everyone has arrived yet, but they will. To be quite clear, there is only one person who is already here."

Farlan lead me to a table that was occupied by only one person. It was a woman with a messy, brown pigtail who was wearing glasses. She was grinning widely while waving at someone who seemed to be on the other end of the room. As we were approaching her, she still didn't notice us coming closer, but instead she shouted something loudly and laughed then.

Somehow I had that feeling that she was the weird friend of the group.

Later, I found out that I was right.

"Hanji," Farlan called her, turning her attention to us. Her eyes were locked with mine as soon as she had turned her face to us, her grin growing bigger. "You must be Eren, right? Right, right, right?!"

She took my hands and shook them vigorously. "Nice to meet you!" I swear she was louder than the music and my ears were probably dead now.

"N-Nice to meet you, too." I tried to take my hands off of her grasp, but she wouldn't let me.

Instead she moved closer with her face. "I've already heard some things about you! You're that friend that Levi wasn't talking about with us! Such a meanie to not share his knowledge about you with his friends! I'm so excited to meet you! I want to know EVERYTHING about you!"

"Hanji, don't overwhelm him. You're too direct and too loud." Farlan remarked with a scolding expression. Isabel had joined us by now and was standing next to her brother, smiling.

Hanji only scoffed. "You are no better than your brother! You and Isabel know Eren for two weeks now, but you wouldn't tell me about him either!" Then she faced me again. "Eren, you'll tell me everything about you, right? I will introduce myself as well, if you want to! Hanji Zoë. I'm a scientist."

A scientist, huh? This job suited a weird person like her. Or maybe her job made her like that...

"Say," Hanji turned to the siblings who were talking to each other, "Where is even Levi? I haven't seen him yet."

"About that," Farlan made a pause, thinking of how to put it in phrases, "Wait until the rest of our friends are here. I'll tell more about that then."

Hanji furrowed her brows, but didn't ask any further. Instead she faced me again, her face being closer to mine now so that I could see how her eyes were glistening in excitement. Not to mention her wide, insane grin. "Sooo..."

She asked me about everything and in the end she got to know so much about me. Geez, after all she was annoying the shit out of me if I didn't answer one of her questions. Hanji was definitely the weird and annoying friend that no one wanted to be around but always had as a friend.

As Farlan and Isabel were distracted with their own conversation, I thought this was a good opportunity to ask about Levi. I mean, I was pretty sure that Hanji knew more about him than I did, and even if I shouldn't do this, I couldn't stop myself from doing that. Even if I wanted to forget about him, at the same time I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know his true self, that is.

I better start with a harmless question. "And... you and Levi are good friends?"

"I'm his closest friend; together with another person. But if you ask him that, he'll deny it because he never wants to admit that not every person is indifferent to him."

Well, _I_ was indifferent to him.

"Do you know each other for a long time?"

Hanji thought for a while by rubbing her chin. "Hmm, since highschool. I really had trouble getting close to him and start a conversation because he would always look at me as if he wanted to murder me and I'm sure he would have really considered that if there weren't students and teacher around us. I still don't know why he thought that we didn't mean it seriously with the friendship back then, but luckily we became friends in the end."

I could imagine Levi not wanting to be friends with anyone when he was younger. And he was capable of sending death glares when he hated someone or something, I witnessed that more than once. Even though I didn't know who that other person was that became friends with Levi together with Hanji, I didn't bother to ask. I had something else in mind that needed to be clarified.

"Was Levi ever in a relationship or is he still in one?"

The brown-haired woman watched me in utter silence for literally ten seconds before she burst out into a crazy loud laughter. It was so damn loud and sounded so damn weird, there were quite some people who turned around to us to see what was happening. I backed up a bit, unsure of whether I should run away from her as fast as possible or wait until she answers this question and then run away. She was really scaring me and to be honest, I doubted that she was normal and sane at some point. But maybe it was just the alcohol. Dunno how much she's already drunk. On the other hand, the fact that she had friends (one of those being even Levi) was proof enough that perhaps she wasn't as crazy as she seemed to me right now. I probably just had to get used to such kind of persons.

I waited for some minutes until her laughter died out and when she had finished, she had to wipe off the tears that had accumulated in the corner of her eyes before she patted my shoulder and answered. "Honey, Levi isn't the type for a relationship. Didn't you know? Oh my goodness, you made me laugh so much with that question. This is the best thing that has happened so far today."

So it was true that Levi had never been in relationship, wasn't it?

Then the other question was...

"Why isn't he the type for that?" I asked with confidence in my voice, eager to know the answer to this question.

Hanji came closer to me until only inches parted us, propping her elbows and resting her chin on her folded hands as she smirked at me. "I've noticed that you ask a lot about him. Why is that? Since you're his friend, you can ask him that yourself."

Shit, she noticed. I had to come up with a lie. Quick! "H-He wouldn't talk much about himself, that's why." This was even the truth.

This time, her voice was an octave lower and nothing more than a whisper, but loud enough, so that it could be heard, even though there was music playing in the background. "Yeah, that may be true. But still... You've asked those questions for other reasons. Say... What exactly is that relationship between you and Levi?" Hanji asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"W-We're just friends!" Biggest lie ever. The fact that I had stuttered made my answer invalid.

"Are you sure? I don't think that. You wouldn't have asked me so much about him if it was just a 'getting-to-know-my-friend-better'-purpose. Is there something you hide from me, Eren? Why are you so interested in Levi? I mean, you didn't want to know more about me at all! "

I gulped, feeling highly nervous now. This was not something I wanted to be confronted with. I hadn't thought about the consequences and less did I consider the possiblity that Hanji was witty enough to sense my real purposes. Yes, I wanted to know more about my former fuck buddy because I simply wanted to know. I wanted to know him because I didn't know anything! _Although_ we had spent months together and even lived in the same apartment.

"I don't want to know more about you than necessary because I'm not very intrigued in getting to know about your scary or weird preferences. Who knows what kind of a scientist you are." This was even only half-lied. I claim that she was one of those persons who locks themselvs in their own houses for days only so that they can dedicated themselves to their experiments- especially at night.

Hanji let out a squeal, jumping up and down. "But I'm not a scary scientist, Eren. I'm the nicest and most normal person you've ever met!"

"Ha! What a fucking lie, shitty glasses." We heard another person say from behind Hanji.

The brown-headed woman turned around and was positively surprised. "Oh! Oluou and Petra! You're finally here." She squealed, hugging each of them as a greet.

The person who Hanji referred to as Petra was a young woman with shoulder-length, strawberry-blond hair and amber eyes. She had a cute and pretty face- unlike the man next to her. The man called Oluou made a grimace and pushed Hanji away from himself, clicking his tongue as he wrinkled his nose. He wore a pissed-off expression and to be quite frank, his outward appearance was hard to describe. Perhaps one should add that his hairstyle looked like the curly version of Jean's hair. And I had that weird feeling that Oluo was trying to be like a specific person and even though I had a guess, I rather dropped that thought.

"May I introduce you someone," Hanji said, standing next to me again as she waved one of her hands towards me, "This is Eren. Levi's friend."

Being called his friend made me sick, but there was no way that I could deny that right now, so I had to bear with it and tell them this lie.

Oluou put his hands on his hips as he raised a brow dismissively. "So you are that little brat of Levi that none of us knew up until now. Why the hell is Levi even tolerating such a shitty child like y-" His words were cut off by a jab in the ribs of Petra who glared at him after that. The funny thing was that due to this hit Oluou had bit his tongue now. Served him right.

"How many times did I tell you already not to imitate Levi! Quit doing that! On top, Levi isn't as arrogant and snobbish as you act." Petra's face calmed a bit and after sighing lowly she made her way to me while Hanji was next to Oluou (whose tongue was bleeding) patting his shoulder.

Petra apologized by bowing lightly. "I'm sorry for the inappropriate manner of my fiancé. Of course we are happy to meet you." She smiled at me and oh how pure her smile was- like the female version of Armin's cute smile.

"It's okay. Nice to meet you, too." I responded with a reassuring upward curve of my lips.

Petra quickly looked back at Oluou and Hanji before she came closer to me and said in a hissed tone, "You may ask yourself why he is doing that. Well... Oluou always imitates Levi because I used to have a little crush on Levi. But that was years ago when we were still in university! I don't have any interests in him anymore since that idiot named Oluou had succeeded in winning over my heart. But sometimes he still thinks that I would rather like to have a man like Levi by my side and that is why he is behaving like that. But it's totally bullshit! I told him that several times already, but he wouldn't listen. Please, tell him occasionally how annoying he is with that attitude. The more people say it the higher is the chance that he will stop with it. Understood?"

I nodded quickly, cackling inwardly. Oluou really tries to imitate Levi?! That was so fucking ridiculous! He can be glad that he was engaged to a wonderful woman like Petra.

"Whaddya whispering there about, huh?!" And there was Oluou again.

"Nothing!" Petra frowned at him. "You shouldn't talk much now. Take care of your bleeding tongue."

"My tongue is fine." He put his hands away from his mouth. "So, Eren. Did Hanji really tell you just now that she is a normal person? How fucking ludicrous! You wanna know how she really is like?"

I didn't answer, but instead looked at Hanji who was suprisingly not intimidated by his words at all but waited in anticipation for him to continue.

Oluou pointed at her and put on a disgusted expression. "She tries to create a new species and calls it Titans. Yeah, she is working on a serum the whole day and whole night that will make a living creature to that entity that she calls Titans. But _luckily_ her attempts always fail. Isn't that crazy? Isn't _she_ crazy?!"

"I really want to pet creatures that I created myself, Oluou! Just wait! One day, my experiment will be a success and you'll meet my precious Titans Sawney and Bean!" She was so enthusiastic about that topic and slowly but certainly I really thought that Hanji wasn't really sane. Creating an own creature?!

The man went on blabbering. "You haven't accomplished more so far than to turn your rats into fat balls. Give up on this experiment! It is a waste and you would do humanity a big favor. Who the fuck wants to deal with yet another creature on this planet? Right, no one!"

"But Sawney and Bean aren't some creatures!" Hanji whined. "They are going to be my pets! Just you wait!"

"Well then, I hope Sawney and Bean will eat you alive once they realize what a fucking insane person their owner is."

"You're so meeaaan!"

If it wasn't Petra who interfered in their verbal fight, Hanji and Oluou would have probably yelled at each other the whole night.

Eventually Isabel's loud voice gained our attention. "Guys, shut up!" We fell in silence and there was only music and the chatter of other people from the neighbour tables to be heard. And with a calm and innocent voice, and a huge grin she added, "Eld and Gunther have arrived, too."

Hanji introduced me to them as well. Eld  and Gunther were both men who were _fortunately_ not the same as Oluou. They had a rather cool and mature attitude, _unlike_ Oluou and Hanji.

"Three more left and then we're complete!" Hanji exclaimed, serving everyone a drink.

It was quite surprising how none of Levi's (and Isabel and Farlan's) friends were people who at the same time were Levi's co-workers. There wasn't any face that I recognized from the drink parties, which I used to attend- well, except Moblit. He was here as well and (of course) he was already drunk.

"Actually, there are only tw-" Isabel's mouth was covered by Farlan's hand immediately. He shook his head discreetly, indicating that the girl shouldn't say something yet.

The second to last person who arrived was a tall man named Mike Zacharius. Here again we had someone with a weird characteristic. He liked smelling at other people. And I wasn't spared of that. I made low incoherent noises when he sniffed at me, expecting literally everything that was possible to happen to me next. Thanks God, he backed up of me seconds later, solely muttering "Smells okay."

"He likes to sniff at unfamiliar people to know their scents." Hanji explained, trying to comfort me because of that strange experience.

But later on I came to the realization that Mike was totally okay; one would get used to his sniffing over the time.

"I'm sorry for the late." Yet another but finally the last arriving person said.

"Eren," Hanji walked to me together with the person whose name I'd know in a moment, "This is Erwin Smith. I know him for the longest time and he is a very good friend of mine and Levi."

He was a tall, muscular, blond man who had pretty eye-catching eyebrows. And he was fucking tall!

"Nice to meet you, Eren." he said.

I didn't answer because there was something bugging my mind.

Erwin Smith... Erwin Smith...

Where and when did I hear this name before?

And then, the realization hit me hard and all of a sudden.

 _'My boss Erwin Smith_ _confessed_ _to_ _me.'_

This was what Levi had said to me after his business trip!

Erwin Smith confessed...?

I made my way quickly to him as I started to sent death glares at him. When I stood in front of him, I went on my toes, my chest touching his upper half of his stomach. With a piercing glare and pure anger in my eyes, I grabbed him by the collar as I said in a growl, "Are you Levi's superior? Do you love him?!"

Erwin was utterly startled by that, but I didn't fall for his pretension of not knowing what was going on. "Excuse me?" he asked confused, laughing insecurely and holding his hands up in defense.

"You understood me damn well! Fucking answer!" My voice raised noticably, and soon everyone of the group was looking at me for some time. I didn't care- _I didn't fucking care at all at that moment!_

"What are you doing there, Eren?!" Hanji pulled me away from the blond man, but she had struggles to keep me away from him. "Why did you attack Erwin? Do you two know each other?"

I didn't stop glaring at Erwin, snarling in wrath. "That fucking guy..."

At some point, the tall blond decided to talk to me in order to calm me down. Hanji still had to hold me back.

"Listen, Eren. I don't know why you're accusing me of those things, but let me clarify things: No, I'm not Levi's superior. And no, I'm not in love with him."

Him simply saying that didn't convince me the slightest and he was smart enough to notice that. He sighed before continuing. "You don't believe me?"

"Fuck you! Of course I don't!"

"I'm married," he watched my reaction, but soon realized that my glare wasn't fading, " _to a woman._ "

"So what? This doesn't eliminate the possibility of infidelity! How the fuck do you dare to love and confess to him?!"

"Hey, hey, Eren!" Hanji grabbed me by my shoulders and forced me to face her. I looked in her eyes reluctantly, occasionally giving Erwin some more frowns. "Listen to me, Eren." She took a deep breath and balled her right hand into a fist as she said in a serious tone, "They do it with each other. Hard. Every day. And every night."

Hearing that made my jaw fall and my eyes widen in shock. Anger was heating up inside me and I was so close to punch Erwin hard and with as much force as possible.

"What the fuck, Hanji?!" Erwin yelled at her. He saw me being close to fucking rampage and reacted to that very quickly. "No, no, no, no, no! This is not true! I swear to god that what Hanji said is not true at all! She enjoys teasing me with that, but it. is. not. the. truth! I don't love Levi! He's my friend!"

It was thanks to Hanji's laughter -that one couldn't miss hearing- that I gradually believed how she had told a lie just now. "Hanji, is that true?" I was still prepared to attack Erwin, but I needed assurance first.

The woman held her stomach when her laughter ebbed away, sighing longly in joy. "This never gets boring."

"This isn't funny, Hanji! What if Marie hears that one day! She is a person who would take something like that seriously!"

"It was just a joke of you, Hanji?" I asked unbelievably, my anger going down.

"Of course it was just a joke! This is Hanji we're talking about." Erwin defended himself. "I love my wife and I would never betray her. Not with any other woman nor another man. Hell, I'm not even gay!"

I turned to Hanji, this time glaring at her. "You fucking crazy scientist!"

Of course she had to laugh again, lazily throwing an arm around me.

Even though there was actually no reason for me to act like that, but I had to know it. The fact that Levi had mentioned his name and not some random one meant that something was going on between them. Even if he claimed to be only friends with Levi... I couldn't trust that Erwin guy.

"Say, Eren," Hanji's voice was next to my ear and the tone had a low and mysterious touch. "Why did you even ask Erwin those questions? What if Levi and Erwin have a thing? So what?" Hanji was deducing from my behaviour too much. She wasn't dumb. Of course she would suspect something after some time. And all just because of my reckless behaviour. Fuck, was she going to figure out?! I stayed stiffly, gulping hard as sweat drops formed on my forehead because of my nervousness. "Would it bother you, my dear Eren? What _is_ your relationship to Levi-"

"Everybody gather around the table!" Isabel announced and I thanked her inwardly for choosing the right momentum.

Not three seconds had left when Hanji let go of me and sprinted to the table. I released the breath I didn't know I was holding in and made my way to the others.

"Now, we're finally complete. Let's dan-"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Hanji interrupted loudly, "What about Levi?! Why isn't he still here?! He's never late!"

"Well," Now, it was Farlan's turn talking. "Levi isn't coming." he said bluntly.

"WHAAAAT?!" Everyone wondered, Hanji being the loudest.

"Why not?!" she questioned.

Farlan just shrugged to her ask. "Beats me. He didn't tell me more than that he won't come."

Hearing this made everyone upset. Everyone except me. I sipped at my drink and tried not to show off how much I liked the fact that Levi wasn't here. Of course, I wasn't allowed to reveal anything- especially not after Hanji's attempt to find out about me and Levi by putting me under pressure. For today I just had to play the role of one of Levi's friends. This shouldn't be that difficult, right?

"That's really pitiful. I even came here from  far away to see him today and now this." I immediately glared at Erwin, who said that just now, from the corner of my eyes, gripping my glass tighter.

"It's not like we won't see him ever again," Farlan attempted to cheer everyone up. "It's just for today."

Everyone agreed with nods and hums, and then Isabel raised her cup. "Let's party!"

We all cheered and went to the dance floor, dancing to the music. The volume rose and almost everyone who was here moved to the beat. They danced, they laughed, they drank, they had fun. Overall it was a really frolic mood and everyone enjoyed themselves.

After some time, Hanji was that drunk that she decided to hop onto my back. At every other moment I would have triedto shove her off of me, but this time I let her be for a while. After all, she wasn't even heavy, so why not.

It was after an hour or so when we stopped with the dance, going back to our table, which surprisingly was filled with finger food and other edible things. Again Hanji was the first arriving there, screaming because of all the tasty things. The food was really delicious, but I was constantly disturbed by the brown-haired scientist who wanted me to try everything and that was why she insisted on stuffing my mouth with the things every five seconds. I had to admit that it didn't really annoy the shit out of me but I took it humourously. In the end, Hanji ate the most.

I noticed how Moblit approached Farlan and Isabel and whispered something in their ears to which they reacted with a surprised expression and partly a happy face, but I didn't care about that that much. Not even when they left seconds later.

"Eren, do you want to visit my laboratory once?" I heard Hanji ask from beside me as she mixed two cocktails together.

Her laboratory? With all the scary tools for her experiments and those fat rats?

"No, thanks. I pass."

She pouted and made puppy eyes. Her face was not meant to look cute. "Pretty please?" Then, she took a sip from her mixed cocktail and moaned in delight. "Oh! This is great. Here taste it."

I grabbed the cup, but turned away to Petra and Oluou. I had enough of Hanji today, I needed to converse with other persons. Even if I had to endure Oluou's crappy Levi imitation here and then, I liked talking to Petra and him.

Approximately ten minutes passed before we heard Isabel shouting from far away as she ran to us. "Hey, hey, hey!" When she arrived us, she needed to catch her breath and it took her so long even Farlan had joined us by now- and he was lazily walking to us!

"You will never guess who we saw just now!" she uttered, still breathing heavily, but smiling happily.

Many of us asked who it was and she didn't let us tantalize for long. "Levi!" Right after she had exclaimed his name, my glass slipped from my hand, the content spilling and landing on the floor. "Levi is here! He is here!"

"Really?! Where?!" Hanji asked excitingly.

What was said next didn't reach my ears anymore. I was trapped in a shock moment, my body not moving and my breath going fast. I heart how my heart started to beat faster as I felt how my surrounding spinned around. My stiffness bordered into light shivers, my heart beat going faster. My eyes widened even more as utter panic overwhelmed me.

Levi was here.

Levi was here.

Levi was here.

Levi was here.

_Levi was here!_

"Everything alright?" My head slowly turned around to face the person who had asked me that. The place where Hanji used to stand before was occupied by Farlan now. He looked at me with worry in his eyes, his eyes furrowed. Isabel was next to him as well now, watching me with the same concern in her eyes.

I couldn't do more than to watch him in the eyes, my body still trembling and my mind going crazy.

_Levi was here!_

"I..." My voice was weak and close to crack at any moment. I had to do anything. I couldn't stay here motionlessly the whole time. Move! "I need to go."

And then I was already making my way to the door. "Hey, wait!" I heard from behind, but I didn't stop nor did I turn around.

I was so close to open the door and leave, but Farlan had managed to grab my wrist and turn me around.

"What is up with you, Eren?!" he asked irritated, holding me in place with his grip.

I really wanted, no, I needed to go, so I had to come up with an excuse as fast as possible.

"I-I don't feel very well." I lied.

Farlan didn't seem to believe me because the irritation on his face deepened. "All of a sudden? From one second to the other you don't feel well anymore?!"

I bit my lips, my urge to go grew bigger with each passing second.

I didn't want to see him.

I didn't want to see him.

I didn't want to see him.

I didn't want to see him.

_I had to go now!_

"I've had enough, okay! I want to go now." With my also growing panic my patience began to fade away. I couldn't endure this anymore.

"Why do you want to go? What did we do wrong?" Isabel sounded really sad, but I didn't care about that. I was the one who was in a worse state right now. "Is it because of me? Did I do something that pissed you off! If I did, then I'm sorr-"

"It doesn't have something to do with you! Let me go!" I yelled, shaking in both anger and panic.

"Does it have something to do with Levi?" Farlan asked determined, making my body stiffen at his question as he let go of me. I could run away from this place now, but somehow I couldn't.

Why was Farlan assuming this?

"I-It's not like that-"

"I'm pretty sure it is exactly like that." He crossed his arms.

I remained silent and motionless.

"There's another thing that bothered me the whole time: Isabel told me about the call she made to you a week ago. What you were saying and _when_. As far as I've grasped it, you were going to tell her something before she had revealed to you the information about the time and place of our party. You probably wanted to tell her that you weren't going to come. Am I right?"

I still didn't say anything, so that he took this as a 'yes'. And the thing was that he was indeed right.

"And then when she informed you about the day, you claimed immediately that you wouldn't be able to attend our birthday because of an appointment. But now the question is... How could you be so sure that your appointment would fall on the date that our party was? You wanted to say to Isabel that you could not come because of an appointment on saturday, although you couldn't know when our party was because we hadn't told you yet at that time!"

Farlan was smart. Just as Armin and Hanji. I hated it.

How the fuck was I supposed to answer to this?!

"Levi told me before when the party would be." It came out of my mouth before I had thought it thorough, but it sounded plausible. It sounded so fucking plausible, even though it wasn't the truth.

"No, he didn't. I asked him that and he negated that."

Why did Farlan do that?!

"I'm pretty sure you want to know why I did that. I will tell you. It surprised me quite much that you overthought everything and eventually decided to attend our party by 'asking someone to stand in for your appointment'. I'm pretty certain this didn't happen because of Isabel's convincing methods. She isn't convincing. The interesting thing is _when_ you changed your mind. Namely when Isabel told you that Levi wasn't coming. So I thought that he was the reason for all this. Of course this was just an assumption and not enough to prove something. That was why today, I watched you a bit to approve of my suspicion. All in all, you didn't seem distraught. Was it because of Levi's absence? There were two things that you did today and which were quite noticable: Firstly, your fight with Erwin. I couldn't hear everything, but I found out that it had something to do with Levi. Secondly, your behaviour just now when we announced that our brother did actually attend our birthday party, much to everyone's surprise of course... But your surprise differed from the other people's one."

This was too much. Too much for me. Farlan exposed everything and there was no way for me to escape with a lie.

"Eren, why did you do that?" Isabel asked.

"What is wrong between you and Levi? Did something happen?"

I looked at Farlan who was waiting for an answer. There was no point of lying anymore, so I might as well tell the truth. If I tell them that Levi and I weren't "friends" anymore and that I didn't want to see him... maybe then they would let me go home more quickly.

I took a deep breath before responding. "Levi and I..." My hands clenched to fists, I really didn't want to say this now. I just wanted to go away. "We-"

"Ereeeeeeeeeeen!" Hanji screeched as she ran up to me.

She grabbed my wrists and looked at me with a questioning face. "What are you doing here at the entrance hall? Don't tell me you want to go?!"

"Fuck off, Hanji. We have a serious conversation here- Hey!" Farlan shouted, but couldn't hinder her from tugging me back to the big room where all of the other people were.

"Geez, I was gone for just a few minutes and now I see how you want to go?" she crabbed, pulling me back to our tables.

"Let go of me, Hanji." I whined as I hesitantly and reluctantly followed her. I seriously didn't want to be here anymore. I could face him at any second, and I wasn't prepared for that.

This was bad.

"I'm not feeling well." I stated when we stopped at our table. Putting on a distorted facial expression, I hoped that Hanji would believe me like that.

"Oh. Well then," she said as she picked up a cup and placed it in my hands, "Here, have this. You'll feel better afterwards."

"I really just want to go-"

"But why?" She threw her arms in the air. Moments later, it seemed that a specific thought striked her mind. "Is it because of Levi?"

I turned my head and sighed loudly. "Just let me go home."

I felt how she wrapped an arm around my shoulder, her pointer finger tapping on my chest. "Forget about him! Whatever you have to do with him, forget it. I know what you need right now."

One still could notice that Hanji wasn't the most sober of all, and that was why I honestly didn't want to hear out her idea. "I just met a good friend of mine," She made a little pause, as if she wanted to bring up tension to the moment, "and she is single."

"Oh god, Hanji! No." I threw my head back, groaning in annoyance. Talking to a girl was something I didn't want to deal with at all right now.

"C'mon, Eren! She told me how she was so lonely being a single and then I told her about you a bit- Wait, you are a single, aren't you?"

Instead of answering, I silently looked at her with an annoyed look, but this was enough for Hanji to understand.

"Perfect! So I told her about you and now she would really like to meet you."

"But I don't want this!"

She hit my upper arm with her fist jokingly, attempting to encourage me like that. "You just have to talk with her a bit. At least that! You don't have to sleep or even make out with her! Just a little chat. Hell, if you don't like it, then don't force yourself to give her your number. You don't have to. She just wants a guy to keep her company for today. Will you do me that favour? For me? And for her?" There was her weird pouting again.

I sighed again, but this time in defeat. Well, not completely in defeat. I had a plan.

"Where is she?" I asked indifferently, rolling my eyes.

Hanji's big smile appeared again and then she turned to the side to the dance area. "I met her on the dance floor, but she said that she would wait on the balcony for you."

"Which balcony?"

"The big one on the first floor."

Without anything more to say, I quickly made my way upstairs, the cup that Hanji gave me still laying in my hand.

There was no way that I was going to chit-chat with her. Too high was the chance that I might meet Levi, and I didn't want that. I had to tell the girl that I couldn't do this. At least that, so that she wouldn't wait for me there in vain.

By now, I had arrived the first floor and forwarded to the balcony. I needed to do this quickly! I just wanted to go home and-

When I reached the entrance of the balcony, I couldn't believe my eyes.

This...

There...

This couldn't be true.

I didn't want to believe this. I didn't want to believe that this was happening to me right now.

_Fuck you, Hanji!_


	18. Encounter With Levi

**Levi's** **POV**

"I'm so glad that you came, big bro!" Isabel exclaimed.

"So Moblit was right. He really saw you up here. And for one second I thought he was talking shit because of his drunkness." Farlan stood next to her and rolled his eyes when he mentioned Moblit's inability to handle much alcohol.

I gave them a little curve of my lips as I ruffled Isabel's hair to which she chuckled. "Of course I will come to your birthday. That's obvious. But I'm glad that I could surprise you. Happy Birthday, you two."

"Thanks. So that means you wanted to come the whole time, but kept it a secret because you wanted to surprise us?" Isabel asked with sparkling eyes.

"And it seems that my surprise worked." I answered with one brow raised.

Though there was another reason why I told them that I wouldn't come. That it came out as a surprise for my siblings was just a positive side-effect. I had other plans from the very beginning on. _He_ was the reason.

"What are you even doing here on the balcony? Why won't you go down and join us? Everyone is there. Even Erwin." Farlan wondered, pointing his finger to the back.

I smirked lightly and turned away, leaning against the counter of the balcony. "Taking fresh air. I'll join you all later."

My sister hugged me from behind. "Okay! But don't take long, okay? See you later!"

Both of them left after that and then I was left alone here again. I rested my head in my palm as my smirk widened. I wondered if he was also here? I was pretty sure that he was. He hadn't any reason not to come. Not after knowing that I wouldn't be here, but the truth was that this was my plan the whole time. Hm, what was I going to do now? How should I make him face me? I was pretty sure that he would hesitate, but I needed him in a situation in which he couldn't decide between leaving and staying. For that I wasn't allowed to force him to that, I guess. After all he was a too damn of a stubborn brat.

It took only a few moments before the peaceful atmosphere was disturbed by a certain someone.

"Leviiiiiiiiiiiiii!" I didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

I sighed as I awaited Hanji to stand next to me in a few flying seconds. And then there the scientist was, too close to me, grinning like a maniac.

"Shitty glasses." I said in yet another sigh, not bearing eye contact with her.

"Isabel and Farlan told me that you are here! Why did you tell them that you wouldn't attend the party?! Why did you lie to them? Or did you change your mind last second for whatever reason?! Urgh! Actually, I don't care! You are here now!" Hanji's voice was literally ringing in my ears, making me get annoyed of her with each passing second of having to bear with her existence around me.

In every other situation I would have told her to fuck off, but this time I thought that she could be very useful. Of course, only if one thing was ensured- Eren being here. I was about to ask her that, but she was faster at starting to talk.

"Say, Levi? Wanna know how my experiments are going?" she asked with so much excitement in her voice. The crazy scientist she was, she would only care for her experiments and her goal of being the creator of a new species. I didn't care two shits about that, but I was glad every time anew when Hanji announced that her experiments failed. Like that it was the best for everyone. No one needed two more creatures that were like Hanji.

"I don't care about your experiments. How many times do I have to tell you that? Busy yourself with something else, like stop annoying other people."

She hopped in her place like a little child who wanted something but wouldn't get it. "C'mon, Levi! Eren didn't want to hear about them, too. I want to talk about my process of creating Sawney and Bean."

Now, things were getting interesting.

"Eren is here?" I asked casually, smirking again as I gave her a mischievous look.

Hanji seemed to understand, and from one second to the other her experiments were second place. She lowered her head, her glasses flashing as she put on a vicious smile.

"Yes, he is here." Hanji's voice had changed from shrill to calm and cool.

Perfect.

Hanji propped her arms on the counter, folded her fingers and placed her chin on them, looking at me with curiosity flaming in her eyes. "Eren is a really interesting guy, but what striked me the most was his behaviour." She said it in a mysterious way, but I was highly intrigued in knowing more. I was grateful that sometimes Hanji and I could interact easily and understand the other by using a minimum of words that revealed the most.

"Spit it out." I ordered, amused.

"He asked things about you." she stated.

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah. And he almost got into a fight with Erwin."

I put on a slight astonished expression, liking what Hanji was informing me about. I could guess why he did that, it was obvious.

"Say, Levi." Shitty glasses moved even closer, having intruded into my personal space even more, as her eyes flashed in anticipation and excitement. "What exactly is your relationship with Eren? I doubt it's a normal friendship."

I let out a breathy chuckle, turning my head to the front and looking to nowhere in particular as I let Hanji tantalize a bit before I would answer. She started to fidget and whine, growing impatient fast, and then I turned to the side again, saying with an amused and confident undertone in my voice, "That between him and me is special and complicated."

As expected, the scientist burst out in excitement, squealing, and jumping up and down. "Oh, I knew it! I like that combination, wah~"

"Though it is complicated at the moment."

She stood still and silent right away, holding a serious composure for this little moment. "I see." she said coolly.

"That's where I need you to act."

A big grin crept onto her face. "I'm all ears."

"Bring Eren up here. But I think you understand that he won't come voluntarily if he knows that I'm waiting for him. Think of something to lure him to this place here."

Right when I had finished talking, Hanji walked away, hopping inside and trolling, "Okay~"

I knew that she would come up with something, so I didn't need to worry about that. All I had to do was to wait. I watched her going away until she was out of my sight before I leant against the counter again. A little sly smile played around my lips, while I took out a pack of cigarettes. I put one cigarette between my lips, lighting it up. I took a deep breath before releasing the smoke from my mouth. My smirk appeared again.

This was going to be fun.

\- - -

 **Eren's** **POV**

I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe that I fell for Hanji's trap. I should have known it!

I should have fucking known that Hanji would lead me to him!

How couldn't I see through this?!

The past few minutes I had tried my best to get away from the person I didn't want to see as far as possible and in the end, my efforts were useless. Here I was, being with Levi in the same place. Literally.

My surroundings started to spin around for a second time and again it was hard for me to breath. I didn't want this. I needed to go away from here.

That wasn't even impossible. The balcony was big, and Levi and I were the only one here. He was leaning against the counter, his back facing me, while I stood motionlessly at the entrance. There were at least 13 feet parting me from him. 13 feet. It seemed that he hadn't noticed me yet since he didn't turn around or start speaking to me. I could just leave. I could just turn around and run away. I could do this. It was possible.

I stood still, not moving an inch but my body was shivering lightly as I watched straightforward, seeing how smoke was going up in the air from where Levi was standing.

I shouldn't be here. I should go away.

"I thought you stopped smoking?"

Then why was I doing this here now?

I came closer to Levi with every step I made. It was as if my body was working on its own, even though my mind was contradicting to my action. But my mind was a contradiction in itself. Part of my mind wanted this, too. Yes...

There were still things that needed to be cleared out between Levi and I.

"Old habits die hard." Levi answered casually, still not turning around.

By now, I had reached the counter, halting next to Levi. Partly, it still felt so unreal that I was doing this. I turned my head to the side, seeing that Levi was consequently staring forward, his eyes covered by his bangs, as he took another drag. I frowned since his cigarette was the first thing that bothered me.

"So my efforts to stop you up from smoking were useless? Everything I did so that you would stop was a waste?" Why was I talking about this? No one cared.

"Not exactly. You had been almost successful, but only almost. I had really been about to give it up, but before that could happen you left for your friend's wedding and the boredom took over me."

So if I hadn't been spending that much time at Armin's wedding, he would have stopped for real? After all, I had to be by his side so that my efforts could work. I had to be by his side if I didn't want him to smoke. Because I was gone for long he was bored and smoked on a regular basis again? If it was like that, then it meant that when I came back from the wedding and smelled the smoke in our apartment, it had really been him. I had guessed that already back then, but he had rejected that and since I didn't want to start a fight over that, I left the issue as it was. But in the end, he had lied to me again.

I took a deep breath before I would confront him with the next -more important- thing. "It was your plan the whole time? This here?"

Levi smirked lightly, the cigarette ashing in his hand, the ash slowly crumbling and falling off the balcony. "Two weeks had passed and you hadn't showed up. What kind of 'taking a break' or 'needing space' is this? That's why I thought it was time for me to act. Though there was only like a 50/50 chance that my plan would work. I couldn't control Isabel and Farlan's senses of what to do. I had bet on them telling you that I wouldn't come and as we can see now, they had really told you. The next problem I had to face was whether you would still show up or not. But since there wasn't really a reason for you not to come, unless you already had other plans, I was pretty sure that you would be here. Of course, this plan heavily depended on coincidences, but whatever the result would be, I could still try it out. And let me tell you this: Everything went according to plan."

It surprised me how he could tell this as casual as possible as if he were telling a fact and I couldn't believe that he had so much confidence about his plan to bring me to him. He really didn't get me, did he?

"Do you even know why I don't want to see you?" I asked, my body tensing as slight anger lit up inside me.

It was only now that Levi turned to face me and when he did so, he examined me from top to bottom before retorting. "You've lost weight."

Was this all he noticed?!

I hesiated before responding. "I'm on a diet."

"That's a lie." he said promptly.

"You're right."

He narrowed his eyes and glared at me for one second. "Eat properly, brat." was all he said.

"Is that all you have to say?! You didn't even answer my question!"

Levi's expression altered and it seemed that he was somehow annoyed now. "Then _you_ tell me the answer."

Not only that _I_ was annoying him, but _he_ irritated me as well. I crossed my arms across my chest as my jaw tightened. I stayed silent so that he could think of the answer himself. But I sensed of his attitude and expression that he didn't bother to do that. "'You're a good fuck, though I dunno how long I want to keep you anymore.' Those were your exact words you said back then when we were in your old room."

Levi raised his hand to his mouth and took another drag of his cigarette. He purposely blew the smoke on my face, but I didn't move or back off, or cough. I stayed still in my position, not faltering. "Hm, most likely." he answered then.

I huffed angrily. "Do you really think I want to live on with you like that?! Do you think I want to be your fuck buddy, knowing that you will toss me aside like a toy once you've got bored of me?!" My voice raised highly as I gritted my teeth.

"Why did you take what I said back then so seriously? So what if I said that? It was something that I said without any deeper meaning to it." He shrugged his shoulder, not losing his nonchalant composure.

"But still..."

"Okay, if _that_ is your problem, then let me rephrase it again." He looked me  in the eyes with a nothingness hidden behind his steel-grey eyes. "You're a good fuck and I want to keep you longer."

I shook my head ever so lightly, it probably was hard to notice. "No. I don't want this. I had other hopes."

"Oi, slow down there. It's your own fault for having wishes that would never come true." He had raised his hand to establish an invisible barrier between us; only because of what I had said just now.

"You don't get it, do you? No one wants to stay in a fuck buddy relationship forever. You know why? Because after some time either both of them know that it's gotten pointless or feelings are developed between the partners and they become a couple."

"Then call me an exception." Levi stated as he dropped his cigarette into my drink.

I watched the cigarette sink to the bottom of my glass. I should force Hanji to drink that now. She brought ne up here in the first place. But on the other hand, she was probably Levi's accomplice or whatever, so he was the one to blame for everything.

"You're making me angry." I said out of the blue, not really knowing why these words had left my mouth.

Levi didn't answer yet, but raised his hand to my cheek caressing it. "Am I really making you angry?" he asked in a soft and soothing voice. I closed my eyes and leant in to the touch. It felt so good.

No. I wasn't allowed to let my guard down. I won't let Levi do anything he wanted to with me. Not anymore.

"Here, I have something for you." he said casually as he grab for something in his pocket.

What happened next was something I would have never expected. Tangling in the air now was something I knew all too well, even if it hadn't last on me for long. The golden colour of the key shone bright in the moonlight. Levi came closer to me, attaching the lace around my neck. "Don't you dare give me this back. This isn't mine anymore. Do what you want to do with this key. But don't throw this ever again at me."

I stayed silent and still when he wrapped the key around my neck, as if I was in a state of mild shock and emotional chaos; and I probably was. I was pretty sure that right now I looked the same as when he had given me this key the first time: Still, with teary eyes and confronted with uncertainty because I didn't how to react to this. I couldn't tell what to think of Levi. At this very moment, I realized...

My love for him hasn't died off. It never had.

My hand slowly moved upward, touching the key very lightly. It was a feathery touch as if the metal could break apart any second. I wanted to ask him what the key meant to him, but I couldn't open my mouth. I was too overwhelmed by my mixed feelings. The emotions swelling from inside me were killing me. Levi had exposed me in my most vulnerable state. It happened to me a second time, this was a déjà vû. Back then, I had cried afterwards when he had given me the key. This time, I was close to crying again, but I wasn't allowed to do that. I had to stay strong right now.

Rubbing my eyes, I tried to wipe off the tears that threatened to spill over. I let out one somewhat desperate low cry as I attempted to gain my emotional strength again. I wasn't allowed to show weakness now. That would be a fatal mistake.

Seconds later and all of a sudden, I sent my fist flying, aiming for Levi's face. At least I wanted to pay him back with this. He didn't jump up when my balled hands had almost reached him. He didn't dodge my attack either. No, what he did was catch my fist with one hand. He held my hand tight, his hand wrapped fimrly around my wrist. What made me mad the most was how his expression hadn't altered at all. He still had put on this smug and self-confident expression, a little smirk ghosting around his lips. My arm was tensed up and my fist was shaking in anger in his grip.

"You are the worst." I said through clenched teeth, hearing how my voice was almost cracking. I glared at him, but it wasn't pure hatred that I expressed towards him. Sadness and desperation were also featured on my face.

"I never claimed to be perfect." Levi answered in a matter-of-fact tone. He let go of my hand, my arm falling limp to the side of my body.

My head was lowered as I fought off my emotions that wanted to burst out.

I didn't want to be here anymore.

"I want to go." I said, quickly distancing myself from Levi by walking to the balcony door.

Somewhere half of my way, in the center of the balcony, Levi grabbed my arm. "Do you really want to go now, Eren?" The way he asked that seemed to be neutral, but hidden in his voice was this dangerous and mysterious tone that showed off Levi's true intentions. I could practically hear him smirk behind my back.

It was a bad sign that I didn't shake myself off his grip.

It was a bad sign that I didn't protest against this.

It was a bad sign that I was torn between two options that were both bad for me.

I shouldn't make this mistake.

~~~

The door was pushed open and we walked inside the dark room. It was hard to orientate in the darkness when our bodies and lips were pressed against each other. Levi guided me to some spot, not taking his lips off me. I had to walk slowly because I was walking backwards. My arms were wrapped around his neck and my eyes closed as I kissed him back. It was a passionate and heated kiss, our tongues exploring the other person's mouth.

Eventually, I found out that Levi had guided us both to the wall, my body was caught between the wall and his body now. The whole time, we didn't part our lips from each other, sending out almost inaudible groans. One of the raven's hands fisted my hair, tugging my head back to expose my neck fully to him. His lips wandered down to my jaw, then chin and finally my neck. His tongue had made traces on my skin with its wetness, and soon sucking and nibbling followed. My eyes were shut closely as I bit my bottom lip, trying to prevent any sounds to leave my mouth. Levi's teeth grazed my skin and then they were digging lightly into my flesh, but not deep enough to cut my skin open. He then sucked on that spot, which caused chills to run up my spine. Especially the sensitive areas made me moan lowly.

"L-Levi..."

When he had finished with the sucking, he went for another spot on my neck and did the same to my skin as before. This way he was singnalling that he owned my neck. The marks were the evidence for that.

Soon, he had stopped licking and sucking at my neck, and his tongue was wandering upwards to my face again, kissing my skin on his way. My lips were met with his again, his tongue invading my mouth. I placed my hands on his cheeks as I responded to his kiss, deepening it.

Meanwhile, guilt was gnawing on my mind.

This was wrong. This was so wrong.

I shouldn't do this with him. I shouldn't submit to Levi.

But...

His lips, his scent, his touches, my fingers on his skin, his fingers on my skin. Everything felt so familiar, and it felt good. It felt good how these familiar lips kissed me, how these familiar fingers roamed my skin, how his body pressed against mine.

I shouldn't do this, but at the same time I didn't want to let go of him.

It felt too good to let go.

It was a sinful lust that I shouldn't desire.

Levi turned my body around, my arms rested on the wall as he held my hips against his crotch. His face moved close to ear. "Don't worry. No one of the guests will find us here." His voice was a low, seductive whisper; enough to make me weak. His hand went down to my ass, his middle finger rubbing against my clothed hole. "Does this part miss my cock?" As he continued to stimulate me down there, my breathing bordered on heavy panting. His teasing finger was a torture to me and my body, my dick was tight in my black pants. His fingers retreated, only to rub my bulge seconds later.

"Oh, so hard already?" He snickered as he palmed my buldge, pressing. A sudden gasp left my lips unwillingly to which Levi replied with another squeeze. I bit my hand to stop any more noises to come out of my mouth. "Don't hold back your moans, Eren. Why do you even do that? You _will_ moan once my dick is inside you, it doesn't matter whether you want to or not."

He let go of my buldge and held me by my hips when his crotch moved against my ass. "See? This is how hard I am. I bet your hole is already twitching in excitement and also thirsty for my cock."

I pressed my forehead against the cold wall, my body shivering. "S-Stop..." I whispered with a quivering bottom lip.

Levi stopped the rubbing. "Hm? What did you say? If you want me to stop, then say it loudly and clearly. I then will let go of you. I don't force you to anything, you know that."

I knew that he wouldn't force himself on me. But on the the other hand, he wasn't playing fairly either. He knew how to persuade me.

"I'm waiting, brat."

I didn't answer, but this was enough for him to understand.

He busied himself with my buckle and the zip of my pants now. "Good boy." he whispered, kissing my cheek.

Then, Levi's tongue licked over my ear lobe. "If you beg for it, I might  consider to go faster on undressing you."

No, I didn't want to beg for it. I didn't want to go any lower than I already was. I didn't want to lose my dignity and pride completely.

For that, I would endure his teasing. Levi figured that out. "Tch. There would always remain stubborness in you, brat." I clenched my hands into fists as I bit hard onto my bottom lip, drawing blood.

Levi unzipped the zipper agonizingly slowly, relief took over me when my boxers were finally released from my tight pants. The raven's fingers caressed my clothed tip, making circling movements. "Already wet, hm? You're such a naughty boy." He tugged down my boxers, his fingers enclosing my now naked tip. I tried to cover any moans by panting hard, my dickck getting harder when his fingers rubbed my pre-cummed tip. "I bet you need to be prepped. We didn't do it for weeks. Your ass is probably too tight."

His wetted fingers were grazing my entrance, one tip slowly going in then. He pushed forward more and more before he made thrusting movements. Levi was right. I really felt tight inside, even one finger was barely endurable. Another finger went inside, stretching my hole more. It was literally pain and lust that fought for dominance in this procedure as my ass was pleasured by his fingers. I couldn't prevent some low growls to come out when suddenly his fingers parted inside me, spreading me from the inside. When he rubbed against my walls and added a third wet finger, I couldn't stay silent anymore. Moans rose deep from my throat as Levi's digits filled me.

"Yes. Let me hear you, Eren." Levi whispered huskily, still moving his fingers in and out of me.

I gulped hard to swallow the groans. "Enough, ngh. It's e-..."The digits in my ass where soon replaced with emptiness. I then heard how pants were unzipped behind me.

I still could stop this...

"Look out for your head." Levi stated. "Or else it will hit the wall."

I was puzzled by what he had meant by this at first, but when his dick thrust into me hard and all of a sudden, I understood.

"Ah!" A loud cry was emitted from my mouth as my upper body was pressed hard against the wall, while my hips were held in place by Levi's hands. My head was thrown back, my mouth opened widely. His dick went fully in after only one thrust, but it hurt slightly. I hadn't received a dick up my ass for at least two weeks, this was nothing to take lightly.

"So fucking tight." Levi grunted. "Fucking relax, brat."

I didn't want anything else than to relax my body in order to overcome at least part of the pain. So for that, I loosened up my body as much as currently possible, spreading my legs a bit more. It was my first time getting fucked against a wall, I had no clue how one would feel the most comfortable in such a position.

After that, Levi pulled his dick out halfway and thrust back in, stretching my tight hole more and more. Low whines and groans left my lips that turned to lewd moans as soon as Levi picked up his pace.

The raven grunted in pleasure. "Your ass is literally sucking my cock in now. See? Our bodies are compatible together." His poundings were fast and hard now, causing me to cry out lustful sounds. The moans were loud, filling the room- together with Levi's low groans. I hated myself for that.

"Levi, ngh-ah, Levi..." Lust was overtaking my body as he slammed into me mercilessly, making me shiver in pleasure.

His left hand still held me tightly around my hips as his right hand unbuttoned my shirt. He then took one nipple between his fingers, caressing it with rubs. I let out some more moans, reluctantly though, since nipple play was _still_ something I couldn't fully enjoy. Levi's lips found my neck again, kissing and nibbling on it. I was pleasured from three different places now each of them sending different intensitites of lust to my body. His dick hitting my prostate over and over again, his tongue stimulating my sensitive spots on my neck, his finger circling around my hard bud. Each and everyone of them made me reach my climax faster.

"Ah, Levi..." Moans cut off my words. "I'll... come... s-soon."

"Fuck, Eren." Levi grunted, his cock constantly slamming into my sweet spot. The hand that was on my nipple before reached down to my cock, pumping it at a steady pace. "Come, Eren. I'll cum, too."

I couldn't hold back anymore. Cum shot out of my dick and on the wall as I cried out a loud and lewd moan to it, wrapping one of my arms around Levi's head as I did so. Levi came inside me after a few more thrusts, his come spurting out deep inside my ass.

We stayed still like that for a while, recovering from the afterglow and panting heavily. When he pulled out after a while, I fell against the wall. My knees were weak because of standing the whole time, so my body slid down the wall until I was laying on the floor.

Too many thoughts ran through my mind, each of them making me feel worse.

It had happened. It had really happened. I never wanted to let it come this far.

_What have I done?_


	19. Being Levi's Again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god! You all left so many comments on the last chapter! *^* I was amazed. There were different reactions to the chapter and I enjoyed reading all of your written thoughts! That's why I decided to reply to all of your comments! ^~^ Though, this was an exception, just fyi. But... who knows... Maybe it wasn't the last exception I made :^)
> 
> Actually, I wanted to write another author's note here and at the end of this chapter, but I've decided to postpone that to the next part of the story... for certain reasons.
> 
> Yeah. the reason is this chapter here. Originally, I had planned another ending for it, but I dropped that idea because it was too cruel. Now, I will have to slightly alter one of the upcoming parts, but it's no big deal I guess. Just a little change.
> 
> I'm sorry, but this chapter will have an angsty ending nevertheless!

**Eren's** **POV**

Regret washed over me because of what I had done. I couldn't resist Levi. I couldn't prevent this from happening. I was unable to do anything right in my life. Why did I even let things happen that would only end up in getting myself hurt? Why was I making mistakes repeatedly?

I had to learn from my experiences!

"Oi." Levi said. "Stand up already, brat." I could hear zipping and buckling sounds, Levi was probably putting on his clothes.

And here I still was, kneeling on the floor with my head pressed against the wall. Somehow I had managed to button up my shirt and pull up my boxers and pants, but that was it. I didn't move any more nor did I make any efforts to at least stand up. My biggest wish now was to run away from this place. To run away from him. To run away from what I had done.

I had made a mistake and I couldn't undo that anymore.

It was my own fault. I shouldn't have agreed to attend this party. I shouldn't have stayed when I saw Levi in front of me after a long time. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I shouldn't have given in to the person who I loved, but hurt me the most.

"Shit!" I cursed under my breath, hitting the wall with my fist. My hand was shaking in anger and self-hatred.

I then felt a hand grabbing me by my arm and tugging at it a bit. "Let's go to our apartment and continue there. I want to do you without having any noisy people around in the house." Levi said that in such a nonchalant tone it irritated me to the fullest.

Turning around and pulling away from his grasp, I stared at him with a glare. "What are you talking there?!" My voice was a mixture of madness and disbelief of what I had heard he raven utter just now. "I'm not going back to being your fuck buddy again!"

Levi furrowed his brows in slight confusion, mostly irritation featuring his expression as well. "What are you babbling there about? Then why did we fuck just now? It's obvious that you want to go back to our sex relationship."

I slowly stood up, leaning my body against the wall behind me. Words wouldn't come out of my mouth for a while, so I had no other choice than to stand where I was, regarding the raven with distaste and hatred written all over my face. I couldn't believe that I fell in love with a guy who seriously didn't understand other people's feelings. But then again, it was my wish to make him feel. I wanted Levi to have at least _some_ feelings for me. Was that too much to ask for? Why was Levi cold and emotionless towards mostly everything and everyone?

I couldn't stay silent anymore. I had to make it clear that I didn't want to do this with him anymore. "W-What happened just now," I started with low confidence in my voice, "shouldn't have happened. Call it an accident."

Meeting my eyes with Levi's, I figured out that he wasn't convinced by that. Moreover, his still furrowed brows gave off the feeling that Levi didn't believe me. I averted my eyes to the floor as I bit the inside of my bottom lip. "It takes time for me to get over you, that's why I had let my guard down. After all, the break-up was only two weeks ago. No one can recover completely during such a short amount of time. That we did this... is a result of my inability to control my feelings when being around you. I'm not able to do that yet. This was an accident because I couldn't think properly for a while, and it won't happen again."

"The fuck..." Levi retorted in a low voice.

It was now that confidence took over me and I was finally able to look Levi deep into the eyes as I said the next thing. "I don't want a fuck buddy relationship anymore. I don't want you. I don't want an 'us' that is nothing more than a one-sided love. I'm fine as things are right now. I _can_ live a life without you!" My speech made him a bit insecure. At least that was what I thought. Why else would he back up a bit when I came closer? Why else would he narrow his eyes and scowl at me when I said all those things with a determined and loud voice. I had finally reached that point where Levi didn't and couldn't dominate me anymore. Because I wasn't his fuck toy any longer and I was certain that I would never go back to that again. It didn't matter how much I loved him, I wouldn't let him play with my feelings ever again. This was not what I wanted. And as much as it hurt realizing that, there was no other way than to forget about him. I had to do it. I already told that myself days ago, but now that this had happened, I figured out that I really had to do it before I would break apart completely. It was a mistake to meet him again and in order to leave everything behind that revolved around him, I had to go now. I had to leave him forever.

Without saying anything more, I walked past Levi, making my way to the door and out of Levi's life.

"Why are you pretending?" I heard him ask from behind me.

I stopped in my tracks. I should have ignored his words and walked away, but somehow my legs wouldn't move. What did he mean by that?

I turned around slowly, establishing eye contact with the raven again. My expression was emotionless, I didn't allow any feelings to take control over my mind. This was dangerous terrain now. One false step, one false move, one false word and I would be back in Levi's grasp. Everything that I had decided would fall apart and I would be doing the same mistake again. I had to control my emotions. The best was to leave, but the words that had left Levi's mouth just now didn't let me. I wanted to know what he meant by them. The most rational choice now was to go away, but I couldn't. Levi had managed to freeze me in place by using merely a few words. How was that even possible? Why was it always Levi doing that to me?

"Why are you pretending to feel alright? Why are you pretending that things are fine the way they are right now?" Levi asked as he came closer to me, holding up an expressionless face.

Now, it was me making steps back. Though, I stepped much more steps back than he had done.

Now, it was me being silent again. Though, I felt more intimidated than Levi had probably been by me.

All the self-confidence I had built up...

... faded away into nothingness.

I could enjoy the bit of dominance I had over the raven only for a moment. In fact, my little victory was nothing more than an existence of a few seconds.

It was foolish of me to think that I could be on eye level with Levi. He was mentally and physically stronger than me.

"I-I'm not pretending." Great, my cracky voice helped me a lot.

"You are." Levi stated, as if he knew more about me than I did. "You don't want to be separated from me. That's why you had let me fuck you just now. You think that you feel better without me, but you certainly do not. For that you love me too much. Why denying your feelings? That's not necessary." One of his hands reached up to my lips, his thumb tracing the form of my lips. A little upcurve of his lips was evident on one corner of his mouth, his eyes lingering on my lips. "Just come back to me and-"

"If I go back to you, then everything will be the same. I will be your fuck buddy and you won't return my feelings." I wasn't allowed to let him influence me. I had to stand against his temptations.

"That's right-"

"Then, I don't want this." I cut him off.

He let go of me, glaring now. "You stubborn brat."

I didn't understand him at all. Why was Levi the way he was? Why didn't he have any feelings for me? It was impossible for someone to be indifferent about a person they had spent most of the time together for a few months, even lived together! This was something I really wanted to know of him.

Blinking and gulping hard, I prepared myself to ask Levi my last questions before I would go. "Why..." The raven furrowed his brows and narrowed his eyes a bit. "Why are you like this? How can you not feel anything for me after so such a long time we spent together? Why are you the way you are?"

He crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at me even more. "That's none of your-"

"Business. I know." I completed his sentence. "But I want to know nevertheless. I want to understand you." My voice was desperate, almost begging. My love for Levi was too much to not care about him. That was why I wanted to know.

"I don't care if you want to know. I won't tell." he stated with certainty in his voice.

I lowered my head a bit, a sad smile playing around my lips. "Why aren't you able to love me? What hinders you to do so? Now that I think of it... I don't know anything about you nor about your past. Maybe... something bad had happened to you in the past...?" I didn't end my sentence on purpose, hoping that the raven would answer me however.

Looking up to him, I saw nothing but indifference in his eyes. He clicked with his tongue. "My past is nothing you have to know about. By the way, I don't know many things about you and your past, too. It's not like I owe you something."

My body straightened rapidly as I held my breath for a while. "Is that what you want? You want to know about _me_ first?" I began to speak louder and faster.

"No. That's not what I meant." he said, attempting to dissuade me from talking any further by raising one arm.

I didn't listen to him. "Then, I will tell you about me!"

"Eren, don't-"

"My name is Eren Yeager. I'm born in March 30. I'm 25 years old. My father is Grisha Yeager and my mother is Carla Yeager. My parents once adopted Mikasa because her parents died and since then she is my adopted sister. I went to Shinganshina grade, middle, high school and university. I've studied Economics and Design and I am currently employed at Pixis Corporation."

"Eren-"

I couldn't stop myself from spilling out all these information. My voice got even louder and the words left my mouth quicker than before.

"I didn't experience extraodinary things in my past. As a child, I liked playing all sorts of games with my friends. When I was a teenager, I did some things that one shouldn't do, but they were never big mistakes. Sins of the youth, that is. I like cupcakes, books and cats. I dislike stress, cold weather, dishonesty and people who annoy me– Jean in particular. I really care about people who mean a lot to me, no matter how I am related to them—

"Stop–" Levi spat in a hiss.

"—and I'm in love with you!"

I yelled the last sentence in a desperate cry and as loud as I could, panting hard after that. Suddenly, my body was pushed against the wall, a hand pulling me up a bit by my collar. I was literally standing on my toes as cold grey eyes pierced through mine.

"Shut up," Levi snapped in a growl, "Shut the fuck up! I don't want to hear any of it!"

"What do you want to do to me, huh?" I asked in a provoking and daring voice, adrenaline rushing through my veins. The only things I could sense right now were how my body was shivering and my heart beating fast in my chest. The whole situation had escalated and my mind wasn't playing along the way it was supposed to.

"Ohh, how much I want to..." Levi's tone was low and angry, nothing more than a snarl.

"You want to do what? Punch me? Do it! I don't care!"

The raven let go of me, but still sent death glares to my direction. "You can never understand what I had to go through. Yes, my past was shitty! Now, you know it! So what? No one can change what has already happened. You can't help me at all! And I don't want any help! I'm fine the way I am right now! The only job you have to do is to spread your legs for me–"

When I heard the last few words, my mind shut off completely and all the emotions that boiled up inside me took over the control of my body. I raised an arm, fisting my palm and in mere seconds my fist dashed towards Levi's face. Again, the raven reacted right away; catching my fist, twisting my wrist that much that it hurt but didn't ache unbearably. He pulled at my hand, closing the distance between us so that our noses were almost touching. I could see anger and madnessin his orbs. Then, he pushed me away from him, my back hitting against the wall, causing me to cry out from the impact. The next second, his fist smashed the wall next to my head. The wall Levi hit just now broke apart, a splitter streaking my cheek and lightly cutting my skin open. I didn't know how deep the cut was, but I wasn't feeling much of it nor the blood that was now leaking out of the wound. Right at this moment, I got a taste of how strong Levi really was. He had managed to break a fucking wall apart! I wasn't scared of this fact, not really. Neither did I believe that Levi had intended to hit my face and had only missed just now. It was just... The reason he did this was me. I had made him furious.

"When are you going to understand that no one can hurt me that easily!" he hissed. He wanted to say something else, since his mouth opened for a second time. He had even taken a breath and was about to add one more thing, but in the end he didn't. The raven closed his lips again.

I watched Levi's expression closely, trying to find something in his facial features that could help me figure out how to straighten up the things that went totally wrong in our conversation. Things were more than fucked up right now, and I couldn't leave them like that.

"I-I'm not your whore." The words left my mouth before I had realized it. This was referring to what he had said to me previously.

"That's right." The growl was still evident in his voice, but now a pissed-off tone accompanied it. "You are just a damn brat who doesn't know when to shut up."

He glimpsed quickly at my wounded cheek and then his eyes were on mine again. I couldn't tell what I saw in them, but they didn't show off total indifference anymore. Did that wound have an effect on him...?

"Levi..." I grabbed him by his arm, coming closer to him. Fear was written all over my face. I was scared. Not of him, but of... I didn't want to make anything wrong. "Levi..."

He let out a faint 'tch' before he tugged his arm away from me. "You're annoying the shit out of me." He made his leave after he had simply said that.

"L-Levi... Wait..." I wanted to follow him and hold him in place, not letting him go, but my legs didn't listen to me. Instead, I fell on my knees and soon my head was met with the floor. I placed my arms over my head, holding a tight grip as my body started to shake heavily. "Levi... Don't..."

And then, tears were streaming down my face. 


	20. Missing Levi or Forgetting About Him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I had really tried to update on friday, but I couldn't finish this chapter on that day and yesterday I was busy the whole day. You all had to wait exactly one week for the next chapter. I'm sorry for that!)
> 
> Okay, now to my author's note that is split into two and really long. (Omfg I had to jot down notes bc my A/N is so fucking long and it is about many different things *laughs nervously*)
> 
> First of all, I realized that there are some people who dislike Eren for his doings and his "dumbness". Partly I can understand those people. But only partly. Of course I don't want to change your opinions, you can think of this story the way you want to think of it! But consider this: You have to understand Eren's inner conflict. Think of these seven little words.
> 
> Regarding the plot: I KNOW THAT BY NOW PROBABLY EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW LEVI'S PAST AND WHY HE IS THE WAY HE IS AND IF HE REALLY DOESN'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR EREN! The key word is... patience. I can fully understand that you're impatient. I would be that, too, if I were reading this story. Hmmm... How shall I put it in words...? It's a matter of timing (??) and cause-and-effect (??) Like... I can't add Levi's past to this story as I like because else it would totally destroy the flow of the story. There is a plan and I will follow it without any exceptions! Every chapter that I've written so far is important and every chapter that I will write is relevant to the plot, even if it sometimes doesn't seem like that. Don't worry, you'll know more about Levi. There will be more Levi's POVs. EVERYTHING WILL BE REVEALED IN THIS STORY ONE DAY!
> 
> Another thing I need to say is that I'm sorry for any typos! I proofread my chapters only once (bc I'm lazy af when it comes to that) and that's why there might be mistakes. I apologize for any typos or (obvious) mistakes! (I'm really trying to correct all mistakes in my first and only proofreading.)
> 
> Enjoy this chapter!

**Eren's** **POV**

When I had reached the inside of Armin's house, I let the door fall close with a loud shut, pressing myself against the door as the feelings overwhelmed me once again. I was breathing hard, since I had run up all the way to this place.

I was relieved only because I had been finally home again, all the other feelings that humans were able to sense were killing me right now. Sliding down to the floor, I fell onto my knees, but soon I turned my body around so that the upper half was leaned against the door. My head was tilted upwards as I took long and deep breaths, trying not to cry again. Tears were accumulating in the corner of my eyes, threatening to spill over.

I had already cried enough.

All I wanted now was my peace. I still couldn't explain to myself how I had managed to leave the party. There were people holding me by my shoulders and trying to talk to me, but I had ignored them all. Ii hadn't mattered in what way they had tried to stop me from moving any farther, I just squeezed myself through the people who had gathered around me, with concerned looks and asking me what had happened. I hadn't cared about any of them, I hadn't cared about anything they wanted to know. All I had wanted was to go away, _far away_ from that place. And I had succeeded in freeing myself from the crowd that wanted me to stay, though I didn't know anymore how I was able to do that. Maybe because of my struggles to get away from there, maybe because of the death glares I had sent some people as I forwarded to the door. But what I remembered very clearly was how I saw everything in slow motion with my eyes. I had been walking away as if I was some human on drugs or in trance-in the end, both were the same. My mind had been completely hazy and my body just had moved to the door, away from everyone and everything. I hadn't paid attention to the people around me, even though I had glared to some, I didn't know anymore who those people were. I wouldn't have even cared (at all!) if I happened to see _him_ among those people.

But now I was home. I didn't need to care about other things. I was far away from him and everyone else. But... This did not mean that I was feeling better now. In contrary, I felt like shit. I looked up to the ceiling with half-closed eyes, my bottom lip quivering. I was so close... So close to suffer from another breakdown. Raising my hands, I saw how they were trembling as much as my bottom lip, if not even more. Actually, my whole body shook, and I couldn't do anything against that. I crossed my arms around my torso, my fingers digging into my shirt. My head hung low as a strangled, guttural sound rose from my throat. All I wanted at the moment was to forget everything and scream the pain away that was hurting me from the inside.

"Eren?"

My head shot forwards, meeting up with Armin's eyes. He stood in front of me, with a glass of water in his hand, watching me with worried eyes. A dim light surrounded his body, it was almost as if only his silhouette was cleary visible. At first I had asked myself, why he was still awake, but then I remembered that he had offered me to pick me up in case I wanted to leave that place as fast as possible. Of course his offer hadn't come to my mind back there. All I could think of once I had exited the house was to go away as soon as possible. As if it would come to my mind that Armin could've possibly picked me up.

My friend turned on the lights and placed the glass on a cupboard. There was silence between us as I looked at Armin with teary eyes, bending my knees then and resting my head on my legs. I sniffed as my shoulders trembled; I wasn't crying yet, but I was close to.

"Eren, what's wrong?" Armin asked in a highly concerned voice, approaching me until he was sitting next to me on the floor. With tender touches of his hands, he grabbed me by my head and hid my face in the crook of his neck, caressing my hair with fondly strokes. "What happened, Eren? You look like an emotional wreck. Something happened at the party, right?"

Words wouldn't come out of my mouth yet and so all I could do was to bring out muffled sniffles and breath out crackily. I didn't let any tears spill out from my eyes and neither did I want to release any sobs. I've had enough of that already.

"A-Armin..." My voice was close to break apart completely, and technically speaking I was ready to break down again. "I-I shouldn't have gone there. It was a fucking mistake!"

Armin's embrace tightened as his head moved closer to the side of my face. "Why do you say that? What happned?"

After a while of another silence, I released from my friend's hug, my palms pressed against my eyes. Breathing deeply, I attempted to calm down at least that much that I could speak to Armin more or less normally.

"Levi was there." I answered in a nonchalant tone, but I was pretty damn sure that my expression revealed how wretched I felt because of that.

Armin eyes widened for an instant as his body stiffened for a second. "Levi? But... didn't they say that he wouldn't come?" The way he looked at me was enough for me to tell that Armin felt highly uncomfortable now. He could figure out how much it would hurt me psychically seeing Levi again while I was still on my way to leave him behind. We all knew where it had lead to. And the thing that bugged me the most was that right now Armin was probably blaming himself for what has happened. I could already tell by how he was biting his lips nervously, his brows wrinkled.

"Nothing of this is your fault, Armin." I said in a dead serious tone, forgetting everything else for this little moment. No matter how many mistakes I was making... for the love of God, I didn't want to see Armin blaming himself for the pain I inflicted myself. "Don't blame yourself for that. Not even partly."

"I'm trying not to." he answered honestly, a sad smile on his lips. "I already had that weird feeling that this party wouldn't do you only good, but... that it would come this far..." He made a little pause, breathing before he went on, "You were quite a while there. Did you avoid him the whole time or...?"

Now, I was back in my pitiful little hole, drowning in my own pool of emotions. I pulled my knees to my chest a second time, hugging my legs as a hurt expression featured my face.

Armin rubbed my arm softly. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to-"

"First everything was okay. I met new people and we talked. Levi wasn't anywhere to be found. I was feeling good and overall we all had our fun. For one moment I could forget about everything that was depressing for me and I could enjoy myself. But then..." A lump rose in my throat unwillingly as I clenched my hands into fists. Right now, I had to stay strong or else I would burst out in tears again. One palm of mine wandered up to my mouth, preventing to let any sobs or chokes out. It was really hard for me and it resulted in me shaking even more, especially my shoulders were trembling like mad.

Armin's hands were on both side of my shoulders now, his thumbs making caressing movements. "Eren, don't force yourself to say it. I can see that you don't want to think about that. So don't-"

I shook my head, stilling him. I didn't know why exactly it was like that, but I really didn't want to keep that experience to myself. If one could build me up again, then it was no one else than Armin. "After some time, Levi's siblings announced that Levi had attended the party, too. No one knew of that, we all were surprised by that. Well, _I_ was shocked after hearing that. The only thing I then wanted was to leave that place. I didn't want talk to him, I didn't even want to see him!" It was now that I put my head in my hands, my forehead resting against my kneecap. Sitting on the floor was one of the most uncomfortable things for me, but right at this moment I didn't mind it at all. It was rather that I didn't care. I never thought that it would be so hard to keep myself under control, my feelings were dragging me down even _after_ the encounter with Levi and everything else that had followed.

"So does that mean you are here now because you ran away from the party? I think this is the best choice." Armin sounded somewhat relieved and at the same time he tried to reassure me that I did the right thing.

Oh, how less he knew about what I really did—or rather what I was tricked into. And that made me feel like a little piece of shit. "I didn't run away." The blond gave me a confused look. "I wanted to, but I couldn't."

"What do you mean?" There was that concerned tone in his voice again.

"I was trying to go away, but Levi's brother Farlan didn't let me go. He had figured out that something was wrong between Levi and me, and he wanted to know. At that time, all I wanted was to distance myself from the place where Levi was at and so I thought that if I tell Farlan quickly that I wasn't friends with Levi anymore, he will let me go. But it didn't even come that far! There was another woman: Hanji; she was crazy in her own way, annoying and clingy. She did her best to keep me there and told me that she would know a woman who might be interested in me. Of course, I didn't want to hear any of that, but she was annoying the shit out of me with that. Again I thought that if I tell her that I am going to meet her friend, Hanji will leave me alone, and in the next best opportunity I would run away." I huffed out a scoff. "It was a mistake to believe her in the first place."

"Oh no." Armin could already sense that nothing good would come out of my mouth next. In a whisper he said, "Don't tell me..."

I nodded, blinking several times to keep the tears in my eyes. I was more or less successful. "There wasn't a female friend of Hanji to begin with. That bitch lead me right into Levi's hands. All of a sudden, he stood right in front of me! Do you even know, at least a bit, how I had felt at that moment?"

My blond friend took my left hand in his right one, our fingers entwined. "I can imagine that. I'm sorry that this happened to you, Eren." His voice was nothing more than a whisper and there was no other person that was able to show more empathy than Armin could. It was as if he felt the same pain as I did. Nothing of the emotions he expressed was a fake.

"I wasn't prepared for that." I continued as my grip around his hand tightened. "I didn't want to see him again. After all, I was on a good way to forget about him!" This time, I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. "B-But seeing him wasn't even the worst..." I whispered almost inaudibly as the first few tears stained my cheeks.

Armin looked even more confused now, his brows furrowed to the fullest as his eyes showed off uncertainty and fear of what I would say next. "Eren..."

"Levi and I..." With my right hand I pulled my shirt away so that my neck was revealed. I had to gulp hard to say the next words out loud. "We fucked."

I heard how Armin was sucking in his breath for a moment as he looked at my bruised neck with horror in his eyes. "What?!" He sounded really surprised. "You... I mean, ... How? Why?"

"It was all planned by him!" I whisper-yelled. My vision was blurry due to my tears and my voice weak. I looked at my friend with widened eyes, gritted teeth and a frown on my face. It was as if I was close to scream, but I did my best not to. Armin didn't deserve at all to be yelled at. Levi, for example, deserved that way more. "It was his _plan_ to tell his siblings that he wouldn't come! He _wanted_ me to be there by all means! He demanded from Hanji to bring me to where he was, namely on a balcony where no one else was! Do you know how that feels like, Armin?"

The blond had loosened the squeeze around my hands, his head lowered now. This time it was hard for him to understand what Levi had done to me. "I'm sorry, Eren."

As the tears were flowing, I remained motionless, continuing with shaky breaths. "Do you know how it feels like when all the worries you have are gone for a moment because you are finally able to enjoy yourself and then life decides to destroy you mentally? Or is it fate? Is that what I deserve for falling in love with the wrong guy? Do you know how it feels like to know that the person you love the most lured you in and brought you into an immediate confrontation you can't escape from? You don't know how much that hurts, do you?!"

Armin squeezed my hand hard now, his hand shaking in mine. "I'm sorry." he whispered.

"You are probably asking yourself why I let it come that far that he fucked me in the end. I could tell a story about that... In short-"

"You were emotionally unstable." he completed the sentence for me.

I agreed with him by nodding slightly. "Levi knew how to play with me. I didn't have the strength to turn around and go away after seeing him there again; the first time after weeks. Perhaps it wasn't only because of my emotional struggle, but also because of my stubborn mind that told me subconsciously that there still might be that little spark of hope... This hope that after a few weeks of separation, Levi would see me with different eyes... Isn't that pathetic? How dumb it was of me to hope for something as impossible as that."

"Shh, Eren. You don't have to say anything anymore." Armin spoke with a really soft and tender voice, his fingers brushing over my cheeks and wiping off my tears that were now pouring out of my eyes without any restraints.

Loud sobs emerged from the depth of my throat as I embraced my best friend tightly, crying my eyes out on his shoulder. "I-I don't understand!" I choked out. "Why can't I already forget about him?"

Armin rubbed my head and simultaneously patted my back as he replied to me. "This means that you love him really much."

"What does it do good if he doesn't love me back?" I exclaimed in a loud whine.

"It's his own fault for not realizing that you are a great person. If he doesn't appreciate your love, he doesn't deserve you at all."

"If... If he were to show some love, I bet he would actually be a nice person. I don't understand..."

It had to do something with his past, that much was for sure. I wondered what it could be that was reason enough to change him to the person he was right now: Indifferent to almost everything and unable to love. I really wanted to know why he was like that. But at the same time I knew that it would only hurt me more if I were to see him again.

Everything was a damn rollercoaster of pain and agony. It was fucked up, and I was in the center of it. The center was't just a center; the center was Levi.

It took me a long time until my sobs and tears had ebbed away and during that time Armin was by my side, holding me in his arms. Eventually, I freed myself from the embrace, rubbing my face with my sleeves.

"Thank you for listening, Armin." I was really grateful and I wanted to let him know that whenever I had the chance to express my gratitudes towards him.

"I wish I could do more than to only listen to you." It was a genuine tone he spoke with and his tender and feathery touches on my cheeks only stressed that.

I sent him a little smile. "You can't."

There was a silence in which I had no clue how to form my words and it seemed that Armin noticed. He chuckled lightly. "What is it, Eren?"

I took a deep breath before answering. "C-Can... Can you sleep with me in my bed tonight? I don't want to be alone and I'm sure that I will feel better if you are laying next to me..." I didn't know why I was embarrassed about that, but I was because now I felt how the heat was rising in my cheeks.

Armin grinned at me, ruffling my head after he had pecked my left cheek. "Of course! I want to help you as much as I can in order to make you feel better."

Even if that smile playing around my lips was barely visible, I wanted to show my best friend that I was really glad to have him by my side. Not only when I needed comfort but also whenever the opportunity would permit. I was really glad to have him.

I nodded. "Okay. Then just let me shower quickly." I was about to

"Oh, and Eren." Armin stopped me from going. My face was facing him as I asked myself what it was about that Armin wanted to say. One of his fingers traced a line on one of my cheeks. "What is that little wound on your cheek? It wasn't there the last time I saw your face."

I averted my eyes, unsure of how to answer. I had received that from one of the splitters of the wall that Levi broke with his fist. But there was no way that I would tell that Armin. Though, lying to him was impossible. "It's not as bad as it seems like." I tried it with that.

"If you mean the wound, then yes. It's really thin and I bet you didn't bleed much from it. It won't even leave a scar I guess. Did Levi do that to you?"

I was getting more and more nervous, and I didn't like the current situation. "What are you talking there? How should he have done that?"

"I don't know. You tell me." If Armin was worried about me, then it meant that he was worried about everything that had to do with me.

I sighed lightly, rolling my eyes in defeat. "He did that indirectly."

"What?" Armin didn't sound convinced at all. "How can someone slice your skin open _indirectly?!_ "

"It's fine, okay? No big deal. I promise you that he didn't hurt me purposely."

Armin raised a brow, crossing his arms. "You mean he didn't hurt you _physically_ on purpose?"

Oh, how smart that pun was.

"Can I take a shower now?"

The blond nodded reluctantly. "Alright."

~~~

The light was really bright in the room and it was silent. The only thing I heard was my breath. Looking down at myself, I saw that I wore a white shirt that was too big on me and black tight pants. The key hung around my neck. I sat on a couch that seemed very familiar to me, but right now I couldn't tell where I saw it before. The cushion felt soft against my hand.

Suddenly, I heard how a door was opened and then closed again, footsteps that got louder and louder with each passing second. Someone was approaching me. I didn't feel like turning around, since I would see that person right in front of me after a matter of seconds. I wasn't particularly scared and neither did I feel nervous. Everything here was familiar to me and I knew that there was nothing to be scared of.

I was in good hands, so to speak.

Soon, that said person stood in front of me, holding something in their hands. They didn't decide to sit down yet.

"How do you feel?" they asked.

"I'm great. Now that I'm here with you." I answered in a low and monotonous voice, it was as if I wasn't feeling anything at this very moment.

The person chuckled lowly. "I knew that you would decide for the right thing." It was now that they sat down, after they had put the thing down on the table. It made a clanking noise, so I guessed that it was a glass. They raised a hand to cup my cheek, caressing it then. I fell for the touch right away, tilting my head to their palm. "As submissive as I had you in mind."

I only hummed to it, closing my eyes as they continued stroking my cheek. After some time, their hand wandered to the back of my neck, two fingers of them nestling into my hair. I opened my eyes slowly, seeing a glass in front of my eyes now.

"Here, a glass of wine. Do you want some?" They didn't wait for an answer and instead they placed the rim of the glass on my lips. I cocked my head back a bit and let the red fluid inside my mouth, swallowing it. It tasted good, really good. My hands rested next to my sides on the couch, not bothering to hold the glass. Instead I let them pour the wine inside my mouth and down my throat. They smirked, while I watched them with expressionless eyes; gulping down the content. Their thumb rubbed over my hair line. "Good boy."

They set the glass down as they held me by my chin. When their eyes locked with mine again, they brought my face closer to theirs until only inches parted us. Their eyes then lingered on my lips for a while before their tongue glid over my bottom lip, lickig off the remains of the wine. After they did so, a smirk appeared on their face again, our faces still close.

I had struggles to stand still, my fingers were fidgeting. All my hands wanted was to tangle themselves in their hair as my lips would press on theirs. My lips parted slightly, ragged breaths leaving my mouth as I neared my mouth to theirs. The person didn't move an inch but licked over their lips, which made me hungry for them. While I was biting my lips, their hands fisted my hair, tilting my head. Their tongue went inside my mouth before I had fully realized it. And I didn't waste time to respond to the kiss. I did the same as them and let my tongue play. The kiss turned to a passionate and wild one very fast, our tongues colliding with each other and licking over everything they could get. I was already breathing heavily through my nose, not breaking apart from the kiss. Oh, how I wished that this wouldn't end.

I had already raised my arms and was about to tangle them in their locks when the person grabbed me by my wrists, preventing my arms from moving any farther to them. They practically forbid me to move any closer to them with my body.

"Ah-ah." they said, clicking their tongue repeatedly, their expression showing off amusement. "Slow down, little beast. Not so fast."

My body was hot for the their touches, I was unable to hold myself back anymore. I wanted them. I wanted their body. I wanted their body doing all sorts of things to me. "P-Please..." It wasn't more than a desperate whisper—almost a husky breath.

They lowered my hands to my sides and then fingers were tracing up my sleeves. Soon, their palms were cupping my cheeks again, this time it was both of my cheeks. But no strokes. A little squeeze, nothing more.

There was a smirk plastered on their face again. "I knew that you would come back to me." The hands wandered down to my neck, caressing the hickeys there. They were still visible. "I knew it right when I saw you at the birthday party. Your body, and mostly your eyes, were betraying you. You never wanted to break up. But I will forgive you for your silly behaviour. After all... I am the only one you need. You are mine, Eren."

I couldn't take my eyes off theirs. Their steel-grey orbs were looming in dark pleasure and insatiable lust. They paralyzed me from the very beginning. It was like I was under a spell I couldn't free myself from.

"Yes. I'm yours, Levi."

Levi's eyes flashed up the second I said the last sentence, narrowing then in satisfaction. "That's what I wanted to hear from you." One of his fingers hooked into the hole of the key, pulling my body to him. "Come here and let me fuck you."

Our lips were getting closer again, soon it would end in another deep kiss. But this time it wouldn't only be a kiss. Levi had clearly stated what he wanted from me.

And I was willing to comply.

Levi was the one I was in love with, even if he didn't return my feelings. As long as he wasn't fucking someone else, I was eager to bear with it. Because _I_ was his, and no one else. No one beside me was allowed to come close to this person. It was only me who could satisfy him and give him what he wante-

I tore my eyes open as my upper body shot up. It took me quite a moment before I grasped what was happening, or rather what had happened. My breath went fast and my heart raced like hell. I clutched my shirt at my chest, taking deep breath to calm myself down. Finally, I was able to thing properly.

A nightmare. It was just a nightmare.

Nothing of it was real. I wasn't in Levi's apartment and this was not Levi's or my old bed. I didn't go back to him. I didn't. And I wouldn't ever do that.

It was when I felt like I had calmed down enough that I eventually turned to the left, expecting to see Armin there.

But the spot next to me was empty.

For one second the thought ran through my mind that it wasn't a nightmare but reality. But then again it was impossible to be real.

The blond had probably woken up earlier than me, but to come to think of it... It was unusal for Armin to leave the bed before me when I was sleeping next to him. Normally, he would lay beside me and watch me in my sleep or something like that.

What if...?

I swear if Jean picked Armin up just because he was laying next to me, then I will fucking punch him in his fucking horseface!

From one second to the other my anxiety (caused by that nightmare) was replaced by anger, and I was already leaving my bed, growling as I made my way to the floor. I was about to forward to the bedroom when something on the opposite side of the floor caught my eyes. I turned around to the entrance hall and saw a mop of blond hair bending down and putting his shoes on.

I furrowed my brows in confusion as to why Armin was up that early and where he wanted to go. After all, it was sunday. It couldn't be grocery shopping or something similar to that. As I approached him, I could make out muttering sounds, but I was still too far away to understand them.

It was obviously Armin muttering under his breath, and I wondered what it was. "Armin?"

The blond's head shot up immediately, his slightly widened bright blue eyes locking with mine. He felt like he was caught in the act and technically speaking he was. "Oh. Eren. You're awake." he retorted in a surprised voice, which he tried to cover, but obviously failed.

"What are you doing there?" I asked, stressing the first word.

Armin removed a blond lock from his cheek as he averted his eyes. "I-I have to do something. I'll do it quickly and be right back. It won't take long, I promise."

His answer didn't help me at all. "But I still want to know where you are going and what your are going to do. This is not like you. Leaving early without telling me and on top, you are doing that secretely. This is not at all like you."

My friend faced the door now, one hand holding the handle. "I want to help you, Eren." He sounded serious, but at the same time the tone was soft.

" _Where_ are you going?!" I had reached that point where my patience said goodbye.

Armin sighed deeply before answering. "I'll go to Levi."

This answer was the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth. Before I had realized it completely, my hand was already pulling at his wrist. "What are you talking there? Why do you want to visit him? What do you want to do?!"

His head shot back to me, a glare featured on his face. This was a sight I rarely saw of Armin and to be honest, it surprised me negatively to some extent. "I will yell at him! Or punch him in the face! Whatever it is, I want him to fucking understand that he is hurting you with his coldheartedness and damn behaviour!" Swearing was another thing I wasn't used to hear from Armin.

He had already opened the door and was about to leave when suddenly I moved instinctively and shut the door close, pressing my back against it. "You won't go to him. I won't let you." I said in a steady tone, my expression dead serious.

"What are you doing there, Eren? I want to go!" He was pulling at the handle, but then I grabbed both of his wrists and dragged him away from the door. "Stop it, Eren. Let me go!" he shouted at me, tugging at my grip.

I had to pull him away from the door by wrapping my arms around his torso from behind, otherwise he would slip through my grasp. "What would it do good, if you go there now?! Right, nothing!" I replied in a calmer voice, having struggles to keep him away from the door.

Armin was wriggling like mad, his fists pounding my hands. "I just want to help you! Let me go!"

I was close to become desperate and to be quite frank, I would have never thought that I needed his help one day. "Jean!" I yelled through the house, praying that he had heard that.

"No! Not Jean! Don't call Jean!"

After what felt like mere three seconds, a door flew open. And then I heard a voice that I usually hated so much, but right now I was glad to hear it. "The fuck are you yelling in my house, Yeager! And on top of that, you're calling after _me_ – What the fuck are you doing there with Armin?!" Horseface ran up to us, taking the blond away from me and in his arms the instant he had reached the two of us.

"Jean, please let me go. I need to do something really quickly."

"What were you doing with Armin, huh?!" Jean was sending death glares to me, ignoring his husband's pleas.

I had this one chance to convince Jean. "A-Armin wants to mess with someone!" I stated as I pointed at my best friend.

"What?!" Jean shouted, but he seemed to believe me.

"Eren!"

"I'm sorry, Armin. I just don't want you to do anything pointless." I was telling the truth. There was no point in trying to make Levi feel guilty because he wouldn't feel like that. Never ever.

"Is that true?" This time Jean was talking to Armin.

"It's not exactly like that... J-Just... Urgh! I just want to help Eren!"

"But not like that! I won't let you go. What if you get hurt of whatever?!"

"B-But..."

"No buts. Come with me." Jean lead the blond to another room, away from the front door.

Armin was literally dragged away, but he was able to shout one last thing at me. "Eren, you traitor!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. Now I had even managed to make Armin this mad.

As I made my way back to my room, I got pinned to a wall all of a sudden and then I saw how horseface glared at me. "What?" I snapped in an annoyed tone.

He spat back with a more annoyed voice. "Listen, you little shit. Pull yourself together and solve your problems already!"

"I'm trying."

"That's not enough. Obviously. You're an adult. So behave like one and do something about your problems! And don't get Armin involved in them." He sounded threatening, but not scaring.

But in the end he was right. "I'll do my best. Can you please let go of me now?" He released from me, stepping one step back. "Oh, and I will also try to leave this house as soon as possible. I think it's time for me to find a new apartment for myself." I had already spent so much time here, I didn't want to bother them anymore. I didn't care about Jean, but Armin shouldn't be bombarded with my problems anymore. I experienced just now where that would lead to. 

"Well, I would gladly kick you out of here, but the problem is that Armin doesn't want that." And then Jean walked away. I lowered my head in defeat.

I really had to do something about my problems.

~~~

"What are you doing there?" Jean asked in a derogatory voice.

I looked up to him from where I was sitting. "Sitting on the floor." I replied nonchalantly.

Horseface rolled his eyes as he clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Well, yes. I can _see_ that. What I rather meant was _why_ are you sitting there on the floor, the front door behind you?"

Jean was dressed in casual clothes. It seemed that he wanted to go somewhere. I looked to the floor, drawing invisible circles with the tip of my pointer finger. "I don't want Armin to leave and-"

He responded with a low sigh. "Oh god, you're still worrying about that. Armin won't do anything dumb."

I didn't really understand how Jean could be so sure of that. "Why do you think that?"

"Because he promised me."

There was a long silence. I still didn't grasp it.

"So what?" I then asked, my brows knitted in confusion.

"Don't 'so what' me. He _promised_ me. Armin doesn't break a promise."

Normally, it was good to see how much a couple cared about trust and honesty, but since I didn't experience much of those things, it depressed me somehow. Not even my relationships with girls were something that serious that it had a future.

"Sometimes I envy you." I didn't know where this came from, but it wasn't like I regretted those words leaving my mouth.

"Well," Jean crouched down, coming to eye level with me, a smug grin plastered on his face, "Actually, when we were in high school, I was so damn sure that you and Armin will end up as a couple and of course that bugged me really much. But in the end, you two remained only best friends. Good for me, bad for you. Envy me as much as you want to. I'm glad to have Armin. And..." His face came closer to mine as he sent an intense death glare towards me. "Don't you dare take him away from me!"

Armin and I were best friends since a very long time. I didn't know why it had never come to that, but... I think if we hadn't looked at each other only as best friends some time when we were younger, we would have ended up being a couple. If things were different, it was even be possible that I would have fallen in love with my best friend.

But I did not. And it won't ever happen. For that Armin has grown to me as a best friend that I loved as a best friend and not more.

I wanted to say something to Jean, but the two-toned had his eyes shifted to my neck, a big grin showing on his face. "Oh?" he wondered, amused. A hand of his reached my collar and moved the fabric away, so that my neck was exposed now. "Well look at this. Now these are some really gross hickeys. I wonder, who did that to you?" He touched his chin, wiggling his eyebrows playfully. "Let me guess! That one guy you've hopelessly fallen in love with? Hmmm?"

Now he was getting on my nerves. So I might as well can mock him back. I cocked my head to the side as I touched some kiss marks, watching Jean through hooded eyes. "I received them from Armin. He did quite a good job."

There was a reaction on Jean's face. Bingo. His one eye twitched as he raised one fist. But soon he lowered his arm and remained like that. "You're lucky that I'm in a good mood today, so I won't mess with you. But watch out for what you're saying, bastard."

His threat left me uneffected and I retorted with a bored look.

"And now," Jean went on, grabbing my shoulder, "Move!" And then my body was pushed forward. I fell on the floor face first and soon my whole body lay there. "You're in the way. I want to go outside." The door was opened and then closed.

"Fucking horseface." I mumbled, getting up as I rubbed my head.

As I was getting up, I heard Armin calling out my name and when I had finally raised my face to him, I was tackled to the ground again. The blond had jumped on me, hugging me tight. "Ouch. Armin, what is it?" I groaned, all motivation to get up again gone.

"I'm sorry, Eren. I'm sorry that I wanted to confront Levi. I just wanted to help you by doing something that has more effects. I can't always only talk to you and give you advice on how to avoid him. Actions speak louder than words! Levi has to hear and feel how much of a dickhead he is!"

Again Armin perplexed me with words he never used, let alone thought of. "Yeah, yeah. Can we discuss that somewhere that is not on the floor?"

In a matter of seconds Armin brought me to the living room, pushing me onto the couch, himself sitting next to me.

"I'm really sorry, Eren." Armin said again hastily.

"It's okay. Really. I have other problems at the moment." I crossed my legs, looking down to my fingers.

Armin understood right away. "Did something else happen?"

"I had a nightmare." I admitted.

"What was it about?" He tilted his head.

"I dreamt of how I went back to being Levi's fuck buddy."

The blond pressed down on my knee, attempting to encourage me like that. "Well, you can be glad that this was only a dream."

I watched Armin's expression closely and in silence, my brows furrowed lightly as I bit the inner of my mouth. "You're probably right. I don't want to be his fuck buddy anymore and I won't do that in the future ever again."

"Regarding that... Have you ever thought of... well... finding another person you can perhaps fall in love with after spending more time with them?" Armin asked me cautiously, probably not wanting to hurt me with his words. But he didn't. I had endured worse.

Actually, I had never thought about that yet. I propped my arm on my knee, putting my head in my palm. "I haven't taken that into consideration to be honest. I don't think that I can fall in love with another guy if it's not Levi. And with girls... I don't know."

"You don't have to rush with that. You don't even have to do that. After all, I don't want to force you to anything. It's just an advice, you know that. I think it will be a great step once you've managed to erase your feelings for him."

I hummed in response, spacing out. I didn't want another one that Levi, but at the same time I knew that I couldn't I have the way I wanted it.

"I had really wished for you two to end up together somehow." Even though I wasn't looking at him, I was pretty sure that Armin wore a sad smile right now.

"I had wished that too, Armin. I had wished that, too."

But we didn't become a couple. And it will never happen. I couldn't manipulate things as they were right now and even less was I able to change Levi's way of thinking.

Life wasn't a fairytale in which all dreams and wishes would come true.

Life was harsh reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... The second part of my author's note uwu
> 
> I think I've written that in one of the prior chapters, but I deleted that I guess. I'll say it again:
> 
> English is not my native language.
> 
> Though at this point I have to say that I have learned that language long enough to have the confidence to write a fanfiction in English. That's also the reason why my writing style isn't special/extraodinary or whatever. I know that there are people who write way better than me. Especially American/English speaker who take their writing seriously will always be one or two steps ahead of me. And I know that I can never be as good as them... Unless I study English and Creative Writing. (I won't study that) But this doesn't upset me. It's a matter of awareness and I have to accept that. What I'm trying to say is that I'm really happy to see that there are people who read my story, even though I'm not the best at writing. I have to expand my vocabulary! I have to find synonyms for specific words that describe a certain thing! I NEED to improve! I'm glad to see that I got a bit better at writing. I mean, when I read the the first few chapters of this fanfic a few days ago I literally CRINGED! Yes, it was awful and that's why I edited the first four chapters because I don't want people to read the shitty writing that I used to have. I think that throughout this story I have learned how to deepen the plot and how to convey feelings. I think this is important for me and for the story. At this point I can say: SHOUTOUT TO ALL OF MY READERS!
> 
> Isn't it common among writers that one wants to write a 100K fanfic? At least one?? Well, I HAVE THAT WISH! AND I THINK THIS STORY HERE IS GOING TO BE MY 100K fanfic! After all, I'm not halfway through the plot yet, but the story is already at 60K+ words!! OMFG YES! I mean, for that I even decided against publishing other multichap stories bc I know how hard it is to update when there are multiple stories you have to update. I was in that situation once and I didn't like it. This is my only WIP and I won't start another one until this ff is complete!
> 
> OKAY LAST BUT NOT LEAST I track the tag 'fic: i'm levi's' on tumblr from now on. The main reason is that there is a little scene that I really liked in my story and I want to make an edit of it and publish it somewhere. I've decided for tumblr. And now I thought that I might as well can post some other things under that tag, like quotes from chapters and so on. I even have something in mind for that 'and so on'. Namely sneak peeks! I would offer to post sneak peeks on my tumblr if you want to. After all, the next chapters are going to be... well, I can't tell haha. I don't know how many of you have tumblr, if you want to I can also create an Instagram account for that. Tell me what you think of it in the comments! (If you don't comment on it, then I'm guessing that you don't want it.) Um... what else... Oh, yeah. You probably want to know my tumblr if you want to read the sneak peeks (IF you want me to write them ofc!) My tumblr is pinkheichou. I haven't done it yet, but I think I will link to my tumblr on my bio some day in the future. *looks at notes*
> 
> OKAY THAT'S ALL FOR NOW!
> 
> (*whispers* Anyone noticed my new beautiful icon? It's our pretty Levi Heichou who has pink hair *purrs*)


	21. Levi's Weird Behaviour (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next five ones are going to be the most essential chapters... Just saying .-. 
> 
> Oh, and prepare for a big amount of angst. Every chapter is weighted differently with angst, but one of them is going to have the biggest angst that this story will ever have.

**Eren's** **POV**

"By the way, I wanted to tell you that I will search for a living place for myself soon."

"What? Already? You can stay longer. You can stay as long as you want to."

"I really appreciate that, but it's time for me to find an apartment. I don't want to bother you unnecessarily."

"You aren't bothering us at all."

"But still..."

"Did Jean say something?"

"N-No... Not really. It was my decision and it is only true that I have to do it. Say, why are you objecting to it in the first place?! Don't you want to have back you privacy with Jean?! You know what I mean, like... I'm disturbing your togetherness. Once I'm gone, you two can be all lovey-dovey again."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Jean and I are sexually satisfi-"

"Stop. Too much information."

"Anyway, you don't have to rush with your house hunting. Keep relaxed."

"Don't tell me what to do."

~~~

"I hate work on mondays." I complained, tilting my head back as guttural groans left my opened mouth.

"You just _think_ that it is bad, but in reality it isn't. Working on monday is the same as on all the other days." Armin said, patting my shoulder.

"But on monday, I always have to work much more in those 8 hours than normally."

"You have to bear with that." He shrugged his shoulders.

We had just finished with work and were outside of the company building now, about to separate for the time being. Armin would go straight home, but I wanted to go somewhere else before.

"Are you going to the bookstore?" Armin asked with a smile.

"Yeah." I smiled back at him, nodding.

"See you later then." He made his way home as he waved to me.

"See ya."

And then I was making my way to the city. It was some routine that I would follow. Going to the bookstore once in a month to buy some books. I was the type of people who liked reading books, but wasn't obsessed with it. Armin was more of that kind of person. But it wasn't like I judged him for that, not at all. Reading was a good thing to kill time when I was too lazy to do something that required moving from the spot on my bed. I had also the possibility to draw random things on my graphic tablet, but I wasn't creative all the time and neither did I want to let my brain work sometimes when I had to think of a scenario.  
That was why reading became manifested in my routines.

By now, I had arrived at the store, entering it and forwarding to either the 'Thriller' or the 'Slice of Life' section. My two favourite genres. Some days I wanted to read about psychopathic killers torturing their victims as the police searched desperately for any hints on how to find the culprit and on other days I enjoyed reading about the life of a fictional person who had to deal with fate of life, tragedy, calamity, family, friendship or love. Though, at the moment, I had been avoiding the last topic as much as possible.

My life was already a love chaos. A catastrophy at its best.

What had happened a few days ago was a slip. I shouldn't have had sex with Levi. I should have resisted him; no matter how much it had whirled the feelings inside me after seeing him again.

It was a mistake and I wasn't allowed to do it again.

I have decided that from now on I had to stay strong whenever I would meet him. It was inevitable not to see him, after all we were living in the same city. Armin had once asked whether I wanted to take a pause from everything and spend time somewhere far away from Shiganshina and thus from Levi.

But I had declined his offer. The same was for my future living place. There was no way that I would move away from my hometown. It may be that, like that, I would see him often, but I think that was endurable. As if I would let him be the reason for moving out of Shiganshina. I had my family and all my friends here. I couldn't leave them behind and start a new life somewhere else. Especially my precious family and my closest friends were too important to me. The next city was hundreds of miles away.

I wasn't the type of person who would run away from problems. I had to face them and I had to deal with them. Taking action was the key to success.

My hand was grabbing a book right now, ready to pull it out of the shelf.

_I had to forget about Levi and move on._

"Eren."

I stopped moving, staying stiffly in place.

Why?

Why now? Why here? Why him of all people?

My hand, which was on the book, started to tense up, the grip tightening. I didn't turn around and instead I took deep silent breaths in order to keep myself composed and calm. The other books in my other hand were gripped tightly as I looked down to the floor.

I had to stay strong.

I wasn't allowed to let my feelings get mixed up by him again. Not anymore. He had influenced me enough already. I needed to act normally when he was around, without having the fear that I might break down because of my emotions and insecurity. I really needed to calm down. We were in a bookstore. Levi wouldn't do anything inappropriate to me in a place like this. There was no need to worry.

No more time in which I was facing him with anxiety.

"What do you want from me, Levi?"

I didn't turn around yet, remaining still in my position, awaiting for Levi to answer. Deep in my mind, I prayed that this conversation wouldn't last long. No one could know what would happen if we face each other longer than expected and necessary, and I didn't want to find that out.

"How's your cheek?" he then asked in a monotonous tone, but there was something - a different tone - hidden behind his words. I couldn't tell what it was; not by solely listening to him.

But was this all he cared about? My injured cheek?

It was now that I eventually moved (but not to face him), taking the book from the shelf as I answered as nonchalantly as I could, "It's all fine. Why do you ask?"

I was telling the truth. The cut on my cheek wasn't deep nor something serious. I had luck that the splitter had grazed my skin only lightly. It seemed that not even a scar will be left after the wound would have healed.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't want to hurt you." I couldn't really tell how he was sounding like. It was something I had never heard of him before and that was why it surprised me the most.

Right now, I didn't know what Levi's aim with his apology was.

"How did you know that I am here today?"

"It wasn't that difficult not to know. It's always the third monday of a month that you go to a bookstore." This time he sounded disinterested.

"Heh, so you kept that little information in mind?" I didn't know how to feel about the fact that Levi had remembered one of my routines. He had no reason to do that, so why?

"I didn't force myself to know about all of your daily patterns. But after living together for months, there was no way for me not to keep in mind that you go and buy books on a regular basis. It's on a monday and exactly on that day that splits the month into two halves. Your fault for using such an easy routine."

This conversation was so weird and it seemed that it was leading to nowhere — like literally.

"Whatever," he continued, "Why did you even change the topic? Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I'm really sorry about you cheek. I really didn't want to hurt you."

I scoffed sourly. "You're lying."

He hesitated for a second, probably in surprise of my reply. "I am not."

"Yes, you are. In all these months, you never cared about my feelings for you. Do you know how much that hurts?" Shit, this wasn't good. My voice was faltering.

"What I meant was that I would never hurt you or anyone else physically if it wasn't for self-defense."

With anger boiling up inside me, I turned around fast – the books still carried – glaring at him. "Do you really think I care about the cut on my cheek?! It doesn't matter to me at all!" I stopped talking the instant I saw Levi's face. What I was faced with was something I had never expected. There was remorse or maybe even sorrow written all over his face, he looked really hurt. Was that all just because of that little wound on my cheek? It couldn't be, could it?

"But it does matter to me!" he retorted. "Listen, I never wanted to make your cheek bleed. Hell, when that fist hit the wall it wasn't because I had missed your face. I never intended to punch you."

My face saddened as I watched how Levi lowered his head, his front locks covering his eyes now.

"Levi..."

"I could never ever hit someone when they don't deserve it." The raven wanted to say more, but hesitated. His lips were closing and opening, and eventually he spit the following words out; but with much efforts, so it seemed. His voice was almost inaudible as if he didn't want anyone to hear it, but I did. "I'm not like _them_."

This piqued my interest. "Who is 'them'?"

He flinched at this question and to be honest, it was hard to notice this little movement. I had asked about a sensitive topic, I guess. But at the same time I didn't want him to bear this heavy burden alone. I couldn't quite tell where it came from, but I had that vague thought that what Levi was hiding from me was something he hid from everyone else, too. There were shadows of his past that Levi had to carry with him all along, and no one was allowed to know. Orr maybe he refused to tell anyone.

Whatever it was, I wanted to know because then I might be able to support him in any way. Every thought that was about how I actually wanted to leave him behind vanished for that one moment and all I was eager for was to know the real Levi.

But nothing of this happened.

Instead, I was now met with a darkened expression of his and a cold glare piercing through my eyes. He went back to his usual pissed-off attitude and nothing of his different, _vulnerable_ attitude that I was able to catch a glimpse of just now was left.

Those few seconds of vulnerability were rare and unwanted of him.

"It doesn't matter anymore." he snapped harshly, tightening his jaw. His glare intensified as he clenched his fists.

I wasn't insecure by that though. No, I was really intrigued in knowing more. Even if it meant to go beyond borders. Wherever my courage came from, it shouldn't necessarily come up right now because I was pretty sure that I was going to do something that could either turn out to be a mistake or lead to something I couldn't forecast. Whatever it was it didn't hinder me to go further. It may be that those were only a few words, but they could mean everything.

"From what I can tell so far," I began, not breaking eye contact with the raven, "it seems that you had to endure something terrible because of certain people."

"What the fuck are you trying to do?" he spat in an annoyed tone. "Wanna play a fucking therapist?! Screw that! I don't need that shit."

"Levi, were you abused in the past?" I dared to claim. Maybe like that I would catch him off guard and he would then tell the honest truth.

"Just because I mentioned persons and reproached them of a certain thing it doesn't mean that I was a victim of it."

"So you witnessed someone hurting another one?"

"This is nothing you have to know! As I said, it doesn't matter anymore."

He looked straight into my eyes, his own ones narrowed and his brows knitted. Right now, none of us cared that we were in a bookstore where many people were walking around us.

"It still does matter." I said, looking at him with an expressionless face.

"No, it doesn't matter anymore." Levi retorted, making steps towards me. His facial expression was literally the same as mine.

This was bad.

"Nothing of what has already happened matters anymore... _at all_." he went on in a low voice, still approaching me.

Why was he saying that?

Don't come near me!

My back had reached the shelf behind me now, I had nowhere to escape anymore. The exit was behind Levi who was coming closer to me with every step he made. My heart started to race and I became anxious.

What was he going to do to me?

By now Levi was only a few inches apart from me, staying there where he was. I hadn't the courage anymore to look at him and instead I looked down to the books in my arms. From the corner of my eye I saw how he raised his right hand. I had no clue what he was going to do, but I was prepared for almost everything.

I gulped hard as I bit my bottom lip. Right now, I felt like a bunny trapped by a wolf. There was no escape and the wild animal was watching its prey in carnal lust, snarling. The bunny was in a state of shock and angst, not moving an inch.

Suddenly, I felt a tip of finger tracing my cut on my cheek lightly before the finger disappeared again. I then saw a hand on the book that was on the top of the pile I was holding in my arms. The book was retreated to the shelf behind me.

"Don't read this book." Levi said out of the blue. At least, it felt like that to me. "It's shitty. Read this one instead..."

I didn't know what was happening here right now, but I didn't like it. Levi was so close to me, his body literally a few inches away so that I was able to smell his scent. His closeness made me weak and insecure. My head was spinning around and I felt like I could pass out any second.

But none of this mustn't happen. I had to resist the raven's behaviour and escape from here.

And that was why I let the other books in my arms drop to the floor; without a warning nor doubting that what I was doing was the right thing. "S-Stop..." I spoke in a shaky voice, breathing unevenly. Levi turned his head to me, a confused look on his face. "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you damn irritating me! Stop it! Stop irritating me!" My voice was raised by now, a few people looking to our direction, but I didn't care about that at all. And then I was already making my leave, walking out of the store fast. I didn't want to hear his answer. It was obvious that he would claim how he wasn't doing anything wrong or whatever and I didn't want to hear that.

Somewhere in the middle of my track - outside of the store - I was stopped by no one else than Levi. " _I_ am irritaing you?!" he spat, turning me around so that we were facing each other again. I scowled at him, releasing my arm from his grip with a harsh tug. "It's not my fault that you are a shitty brat who doesn't know what to do. You are irritating others because of your lack of proper decisiveness. The best example is your 'break-up'."

I raised one brow, watching him in slight confusion. "This sounds like the decision to break up with you, which I made back then, is wrong."

"It is." he responded right away which startled me. "The only thing we are allowed to do is to make a choice we won't regret. You made a wrong decision. And now you have to regret it."

"But I'm not regretting it."

"You are. Just as you pretend to be alright like that."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing from him. Levi really thought that he knew better about my needs than I did?! This was ridiculous.

This time I was the one approaching him slowly, my hands balled into fists. Many different emotions were floating through my mind as I came closer to the raven, a desperate little upcurve of my lips evident on my face.

Our noses about to touch and my breath hitting his face, I stared straight into Levi's steel-grey eyes. "Levi, I love you." It was a husky whisper, but at the same time it was loud enough to count as a raspy statement. I said it with so much earnestness and I meant it wholeheartedly, he had to understand how much I loved him.

The raven frowned as response, letting out a derogative 'tch'. "How..." he began, gritting his teeth as his scowl intensified. His voice raised and bordered on a loud exclaim. "How can you say that over and over again without getting sick of it?!"

I seriously couldn't understand this guy at all and by now he was pissing me off big time. After all those months, he still didn't grasp how much I felt for him. "I can say that over and over again because it's the truth!" I exclaimed, placing one palm on my chest, close to where my heart was. My face fell and now I clutched my shirt. In a calmer voice I continued, "I love you. Those are my true feelings for you."

There was a silence before one word (that was unexpected for me to hear now of all times but yet again it was typical of him) left Levi's mouth. "Bullshit..."

Hearing this ached and I didn't want to admit that I was affected by it heavily. It hurt so much getting rejected by the one and only person I loved the most. He was no good for me.

"Call it whatever you want to call it, but don't forget that those are my honest feelings. A person who doesn't appreciate that, doesn't actually deserve to be loved."

"You are right. I don't deserve to be loved." When I looked at him and saw how his eyes weren't meeting mine but looked behind me, I realized that Levi was thinking of something else that referred to this topic. What I said made him remember of something. It was probably something painful that he had to experience.

What was the meaning of all this?

"Levi...?"

Now, his eyes were at me again, glaring. "You pissed me off! Get out of my sight!" He shoved me to the side to go away. It didn't take seconds and then he was already out of sight.

He was gone.

And in the end, I didn't get to know more about Levi.

Two days passed before Levi had appeared again. It was on my way to work in the morning, but this time I didn't let him talk to me much. At that time, all I wanted was to ignore him and live my life in peace. Our last encounter in the book store had already been too much for me.

The third encounter was in a convenience store and let me tell you that I was not prepared at all for him to appear there.

"Oi."

A shiver of shock ran up my spine and I winced the second I heard Levi's voice next to me, in a place (namely the convenience store) I never expected to meet him. I sighed loudly, my heart trying to beat at a steady pace again after the surprise.

I turned my head to the right, seeing how the raven's side was leaning against the milk products shelf, his arms crossed as he looked at me with an emotionless face.

"How did you even find me here?" Levi couldn't know when I would go grocery shopping because I didn't have a daily or weekly routine for that and it was unlikely to meet here coincidentally.

"I have my methods." he replied simply, not faltering.

I frowned at him. "Stop following me around." After a little pause, I added, "Stalker."

"I don't prefer that word, but whatever."

There was a little moment in which we didn't do else than to stare at each other before I decided to leave this place without saying one more word. But of course Levi wouldn't let me. Right when I had already turned away from him a bit, he spoke up.

"How long do you want to keep that shit up?" he asked as if it was the most casual thing ever.

Nothing was simple or a matter of course here. "I won't go back to you, Levi. I don't want to be your fuck buddy anymore. When are you going to understand that?"

His eyes narrowed in slight anger. "There is nothing that I have to understand because you're telling nonsense."

"How's that nonsense?!"

"After all those months, I know you good enough to tell what you are like. You can't feel alright without me because you're hopelessly 'in love'. I'd treated you well all the time, why would you not like to continue that anymore? It doesn't make any sense."

It was pointless to talk to him because he wouldn't understand the problem, so why was I even trying? Yeah... I wanted to understand _him_.

"It may be right that you didn't harm me physically or forced me to something that I didn't want, but over the months, you've hurt me too much emotionally." This time Levi had to fucking get it.

He groaned lowly as he rolled his eyes in annoyance which made me angry to some extent. "Don't act like a fragile doll. People have it worse."

"People like you, for example?" I provoked him. Last time he didn't answer my questions properly.

"I never said that." he retorted.

And this time was the same.

"Levi, I don't need you in my life."

This wasn't a lie nor the absolute truth.

"Oh, trust me. You need me. Just stop being silly and do what I tell you."

There was so much confidence in him that it made me want to crumble it. It didn't take long until I came up with an idea for that.

"There is no need for me to be your fuck buddy again. I already have another one. Not a fuck buddy, of course. Someone who might be interested in a relationship." Of course this was a lie. I just wanted to make it clear to him that I hadn't any interest anymore in being his sex partner.

Levi reacted to it – too fast if you ask me. His hands were at his sides now, clenched into fists and his face altered to a frown with widened mad eyes and a stiff and tightened jaw. "You are lying." Levi hissed between ground teeth, sending me a glare.

He still was convinced that I was telling a lie. I had to change that. "I'm not lying. He's a very nice and caring person." I went on, a light smug smile featuring my face.

"'He'? Since when are you gay? You're lying!" What I was telling Levi really had an effect on him because now he had started to take long breaths in order to not lose himself. To be quite frank, I had never seen him like that. I didn't know whether he was kind of jealous (which I couldn't imagine) or he simply didn't want to lose his fuck buddy. It was probably the latter. After all, I had served him right and offered my body to him any time. Wow, this sounded like I was his personal whore. One reason more to why not go back to him.

"Levi, you have to accept it." Should I go a step further? "We've already kissed." I did go a step further. Why shouldn't I? There was nothing to lose.

The raven had his eyes widened, his lips parted as he looked at me as if he was witnessing a murder.

"No..." he whispered almost inaudibly. "No!" And before I had realized it his body was already pressed against mine and his lips had found my neck.

"Levi–! W-What... What are you doing there?! Let go of me!" I felt how his teeth digged into my skin, sucking. He sucked on that spot for a long time as I tried to get him away from me. This was really not a place for that and also, I didn't want this.

This wasn't good.

Levi was nibbling on my neck and plastered a huge kiss mark there and I couldn't move nor do anything about that. It didn't even cross my mind to scream. My mind was completely shut off. There were again all those feelings that turned my mind and sanity upside down, causing to make me unable to think properly.

Levi was doing this to me right now and I let him do.

His body was squeezing mine and I was helpless to do anything against that.

Deep in my mind (even though I didn't want to admit that) I couldn't be mad at him completely. Oh, how much I had wished to wrap my hands around his neck and nuzzle them into his hair, but I mustn't yearn for that. Doing that - _even thinking that_ \- was wrong.

Finally, Levi released from my neck, making a few steps back as he wiped out his mouth. For some reason I was breathing hard, even though I hadn't done anything. Literally.

There was disappointment in myself and Levi, and I hated myself for not having resisted him. "W-Why did you do that?" An undefinable feeling washed over me, making me defenseless. It was a mixture of anxiety, irritation and forbidden craving.

Levi was unmoved by that. "Did he do that to you, too? Huh?! What else did you do with him? Have you two already fucked?!" He was really furious because of that and the worst was that I couldn't explain to myself why exactly he reacted like that.

"I... I want to go." Thanks God, not many people were in the store yet and witnessed this (since it was still early in the morning).

Luckily, Levi didn't hold me back in place, letting me walk past him.

"I will break you two apart!" Was the last thing that came out of his mouth. Those words had so much anger and sincerity in it, it made it become clear that Levi was death serious.

Once again my plan to get to know more about Levi by trying to make him open up to me ended in a way I didn't want it to happen by all means.

Everything I said and did was always the false step to approach Levi.

It wasn't my fault though. At least not entirely.

I decided to say one last thing to the raven before I would go away. There was no obligation to tell him, but I felt like I should tell him. I turned back for one last time, showing off a sad smile reluctantly. "Of course I was joking around. Do you really think after a short amount of time, you don't mean anything to me anymore?" With those few words, I left.

The first time in my life did I ever sprint that fast back home (luckily, it wasn't that far away from the convenience store) and even if it technically wasn't my home, I was relieved when I had arrived it. This right now just felt like the day when I had encountered Levi in Isabel and Farlan's party. Everything was repeating itself over and over again, and I had no clue how to stop that. All I wanted was to escape from that living hell and live my life peacefully! Why was it happening to me? What did I do wrong?! Was it karma? But what did I do to deserve this shit?!

I had fallen in love with the wrong guy, that's it.

Why wouldn't my feelings for him disappear?

Why did he appear in my life time and again, even _after_ I had cut ties with him?!

I didn't want this.

I hated it. I hated everything.

After calming down for a bit, I headed for the bathroom. The silence in the house was making me sick. Armin and Jean were at work while I had my day-off, but after everything that had happened, I wished that I would have rather been gone to work.

In the bathroom, I splashed cold water over my face several times, looking at the mirror then. My reflection looked tired and exhausted, I hated to look at my own self when I was in such a state. My eyes then caught something else in the mirror; something that hasn't been on my body yesterday. My gaze wandered down to my neck in the mirror, spotting a clearly visible red mark on my skin.

A hickey.

The hickey that Levi plastered on my neck a few moments ago. Just when I had been getting rid of the other hickeys that I received from him a few days ago, another one was planted on me once again.

My hand reached up to that spot slowly, my eyes following the movement in the mirror. The tip of my fingers made circles on the bruised skin before my nails scratched that spot. With a hurt expression, a glaring frown and salty water in my eyes, I scraped the red mark over and over again without letting my fingernails dig deep enough to draw blood. A strangled cry left my lips.

I didn't want that hickey.

I didn't want that hickey.

I hated that hickey!

It took me so much of my self-control to stop the scratching before crimson liquid would leak out. The spot was redder now and a stingy sensation emerged from there. My hands gripped hard onto the washbasin as my head hung low, breathing shaky breaths in and out. One, I had to calm down. Two, I wanted to hinder any tears from spilling out.

After some time had passed, I looked into the mirror again, my eyes red and my neck looking more horrible now.

Why were all these things happening?

Why couldn't I live a life together with Levi in which our love was both-sided?

What was the reason behind Levi's cold-hearted and indifferent attitude?

Just fucking tell me already, Levi!

I had reason to know!

He couldn't take advantage of my body for months and give me nothing in return.

This wasn't too much to ask for, was it? What bad could have happened in his past that made him to the person he was now? I couldn't think of anything.

Levi...

Leave me the fuck alone.

It was probably my subconsciousness that let my right hand move down on my body. A pair of emerald eyes were staring at me from the opposite direction while I did that. Those eyes looked disappointed and made reproaches at me with their stare.

They scolded me.

Ridiculed me.

The only thing I did was to grin at them with anxiety in my eyes.

I was on the verge to do something dumb, but I couldn't stop myself.

My palm had reached my crotch by now, cupping it.

What was it that I was feeling right now? Power? Revenge? Despair? Maybe even insanity?

It didn't matter because my mind was too fogged by my raging emotions.

Levi...

Oh, fuck.

~~~

"Ngh, mnh." Hesitant sounds rose from my throat, caused by two fingers massaging my hole from inside.

It was unbelievable that I had really undressed myself and was pleasuring myself in the bathroom now. Kneeling on all fours – just like a dog – I let two wetted fingers enter my ass, making thrusting movements. My eyes were pressed closed and I bit my bottom lip hard as I did so, my one arm shivering from too many feelings. I breathed hard through my nose, while I spread my fingers, resulting in my hole being stretched before I added a third digit.

Another moan was forced out when the third finger entered me, giving me painful chills before they bordered in forbidden pleasure. That pleasure wasn't entirely enjoyable. Actually, I wasn't allowed to feel it. The only thing that served me right at this moment was punishment.

A loud groan was elicited when my middle finger brushed my sweet spot, sending lustful shivers through my veins. "Ah, shit..." Pre-cum was already leaking from the slit as my dick hardened until it was stiff. My mind and body weren't working together right now, thus both of them did whatever they wanted. Like my hips, for example. They thrust back into my fingers, filling my hole completely as the rubs sent more of the desirable pleasure, my mouth giving off wanton moans.

It was now that I opened my eyes and the second darkness was replaced by light there was that one and only thing that caught my gaze.

The key; dangling in the air and held in place by a brown-black thread.

Why did I still carry it with me?

That key was the reason why all those memories, in form of images, flashed through my mind. Every moment I had spent with Levi was passing by as I kept pleasuring myself. Shaking my head, I released little cries from my mouth and shook my head vigorously.

I didn't want to remember those memories. The best was to erase them from my mind and never ever think of them again. They were overwhelming me and they made me feel worse. They remembered me of the failure of my life. They remembered me of my love that had never been fulfilled.

No one in this world would like to have these kind of memories.

I should just throw that key away!

I retreated my fingers and breathed a few times before I let myself fall on my back, my knees bent. At first, I simply started at the white ceiling, but then I looked at my still wet fingers - which were inside me a few seconds ago.

This was pathetic. Didn't that mean that it made me pathetic, too?

Instead of thinking about that, I went even further, probably making the situation worse. There still had been that little hope of me going back to my senses, but in the end my conflicted self dominated over me. And it wasn't much later that I found my hand wrapped around my member, squeezing the stiff base probingly.

It started with slow movements up and down, the pre-cum being spread over the whole length, making slippery noises.

I bucked my hips and let out a breathy moan when the pace of my hand picked up speed, pumping my cock faster and harder now. This time, loud moans and low groans filled the room in a steady period of time as lust filled my body once again. My dick was throbbing against my fingers, practically yearning for release as pleasure accumulated in my lower area, getting me close. I couldn't control my hips that thrust back into the pumps repeatedly, the grip tightening around my cock as my thumb cirlced the head.

Sweat, slippery sounds and lewd moans featured me at this very moment and it all ended in a spurt of sticky cum that my cock released in one shot. Part of the white liquid landed on my stomach and chest, and the other part even reached up to my chin and cheek.

Eyelids half closed and mouth gaped open, I breathed heavily as my shivery body recovered from the afterglow. I could still feel the sensation that was running through my body in mass just now and that caused to bring me to the edge. It wasn't like I disliked that feeling. After all, it had felt good.

But the next moment I had something else in mind. I was torn between feeling better and worse right now, and there was nothing that could help me to decide for one. A neutral feeling about that was impossible.

The hand with the cummed fingers reached up to my face, the back of it covering my eyes as my lips started to quiver.

The fact that I did it was the proof.

I was indeed pathetic.

\- - -

 **Levi's** **POV**

It was a loud and hard bang with which I shut the door close after entering my apartment. It was hard to control my heavy breathing and the rage boiling up inside me. My hands were already balled into fists and it took me so much efforts to control myself and not destroy something. Nothing and no one had made me that angry up until now so why was I enraged like that right now of all times?

"Fuck!" And then my hand slipped and mini glass figurines of soldiers that used to stand on a cupboard met the floor, shattered into little pieces.

I stomped over them with my shoes, not giving two shits about any glass splitters under my sole as I walked over to the couch, plumping onto the cushioned seat then.

Putting my head in my hands, I attempted to calm the fuck down and steady my breath.

Why did this happen?

Why did I react like that?

_What was wrong with me?_

I couldn't explain to myself at all why I had been like that towards him. This was a reaction I had never experienced before. My fingers threaded into my locks now as I stared straight at the coffee table in front of me, which was made of glass. I could see my reflection in it and what I got to see was a glaring raven whose expression was distorted and full of wrath.

All of a sudden, I received a call and to my own surprise I answered it. It was probably a reflex. Not bothering to look at the screen to know who it was I picked it up. It didn't matter who it was, I didn't want to talk to anyone right now.

"What?" I snapped in the most pissed-off tone I was able to form.

 _'_ _Heeeeey_ _, Levi~'_

She was the last person whose noisy voice I wanted to hear right now.

"No. Fuck off, shitty glasses." I ended the call before I gave her a chance to say something, tossing my phone onto the table.

This wasn't the end yet. I knew that I would get a message from here soon, saying something along the lines 'Rude.' or whatever.

And not much later I heard the beep from my phone that signalled an incoming message. Again – out of reflex of course – I grabbed my device and checked my inbox:

**Shitty Glasses**

_Rude._

Told it.

Groaning in annoyance, I threw my phone across the room this time, leaning back in my couch after that as I tilted my head up and let my fingers run through my hair slowly.

I needed a cig.

Lighting up a cigarette, I then took a deep breath, inhaling the smoke and letting the nicotine fill my lungs. I seriously needed to calm down. I closed my eyes as I exhaled the smoke, feeling how I relaxed a bit. A second drag, a second inhale, a second exhale. It didn't stay by that. After that, there was a third and a fourth and a fifth drag. Soon half of the living room was filled with smoke.

There shouldn't have been a reason for me to heat up like that in the first place. That thing with Eren today shouldn't have riled me up.

Why did I react like that?

Why did I yell at him when he told me that he had another one? After all, I found out later that it was a lie and even if it were to happen to not be a lie, I shouldn't have reacted like that.

So why did I do it then?!

Jealousy? No. Impossible. I wasn't jealous. There had never ever been something or someone in my life that made me jealous. I wasn't in love with someone, so there was no way that I felt some shit-ass feeling like jealousy.

This still didn't answer my question. Why him? Why Eren? I didn't understand.

Whenever I had tried to hit one some woman or some man the past few days (or they had tried to hit on me) Eren's face would come up in my mind. Everytime I ended up rejecting those people and in the end I went back to making Eren my fuck buddy again. The worst was that I couldn't think of an explanation to it.

Maybe this was happening because I had spent a lot of time with that little brat? Yeah, that sounded plausible.

But this answer didn't satisfy me to the fullest. There were many other people that I saw often and who I still met on a regular basis, but none of them were kept in my mind as persistantly as Eren. The only difference between him and Cassie, Richard, Isabel, Farlan, Hanji, Erwin and Co. was that I had sex with Eren. But it was just sex that I had with that brat, what major difference did it make?!

This couldn't be. Why was this happening? I could have every other man and every other woman I wanted.

It wasn't like I needed him.

No, it wasn't like that.

Most of the time I didn't mind having Eren by my side, yes, I admit that. In fact, I liked it.

But even more did I like it when he was writhing and moaning underneath me.

I didn't need him.

I didn't need Eren.

I _wanted_ him.

I wanted his body.

Nothing more and nothing less.

Eren was the perfect fuck buddy.

Obedient, loyal and submissive.

That little brat was mine.

Because I needed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao, that little twist at the very end of this chapter tho c:


	22. Levi's Weird Behaviour (2)

**Eren's** **POV**

"As I ensured last time, I have taken your requests into consideration,"

I was in the middle of a meeting with my client in my office...

"and these are the suggestions I've got for you."

And I hated it. Not because of the meeting itself, but because of the client.

When I had finished talking, I passed the man the sheets with all the information and graphics he had required. The man I was talking about was an elder person - probably in his 40s or higher. He had a corpulent body, but was smaller than me - big in width and small in length, one could say. His face was round and creased and his dark brown hair had already grey-white spots. The man was called Mr Tony Sayo.

There was a reason why I disliked him.

As I handed him the paper, he took them from my hand and while he did so, he let his fingers brush my hand _on purpose_. Of course he had tried to do that discreetly and pretended that it was accidental, but I knew that it wasn't. His behaviour was telling me. No one else did those things to me like he did. Listening to me without paying much attention to what I was saying, but instead gawking at me with a kind of weird smile - as if they were totally fascinated and attached by me. Making me compliments on my looks or praising my work enthusiastically were also usual of him, just as his "coincidental" touches were. I was glad that a desk was seperating us or else he would have gone that far to sit on my lap. This man liked me more than a client should, there was no doubt about that. He was a creep.

I retreated my arm, shuddering in disgust inwardly, but of course I didn't let any of those feelings feature my expression, doing my best to show a professional and serious appearance. Nevertheless, I couldn't refrain from wiping off my hand on my pants, and I was glad that he couldn't see what I was doing since the desk was in the way - no, it was perfect where it stood.

Mr Sayo regarded the sheets, his pointer finger tracing his bottom lip as if he was in thought. Regardless of that, he did it again. Smirking lightly and probably liking that I was in his presence.

Why was he doing that to me? Wasn't he like married or whatever?! This was seriously grossing me out!

The problem was that he was one of my clients and it was my job to follow his requirements.

"Well," he said in his ugly raspy voice, "I'm more than satisfied with the suggestion you present me here now, Mr Yaeger. This is really just as I have imagined it. Please, proceed as it is suggested here."

There was so much more behind his voice. The way he looked at me right now - with that glistening eyes. The way he spoke to me - so much contentment in his tone. Whatever I had done to him that attracted him, I wished I could change that back or even better I wished it had never happened. Oh how much better it would have been if he never had visited Pixis Corporation in the first place.

With as much force as possible, I put on a polite smile and with the nicest voice I could manage I answered, "Of course. I will do as requested. I'm glad that the plans are in your liking, Mr Sayo."

"As ever, you're doing your job perfectly. I can't imagine someone doing it better than you, to be honest. I'm really glad that it is you and no one else taking my requests." There it was again. His overexaggerated praising. Of course there were other people who could do this. I wasn't doing an excellent job, this was a simple task that all the other employees here could do as well.

This man was trying to get my attention on him.

There was no way that I would fall for his nice words and allusions.

"Thank you for your kind words, Mr Sayo. But I have to make it clear to you that I'm just following my work. There are other people who do the same as me - and also as well as me. No need to praise me that mu-"

"But of course I need to!" he interrupted abruptly, standing up now and hovering over my desk, his hands slammed onto the table. I backed up a bit in my chair, looking at him with questioning and slightly widened eyes. Then, the man took one of my hands in his own ones, stroking the back of my hand slightly. "You are doing very well, Mr Yeager. I really mean it. You are a very talented and pretty man. You can be proud of tha-"

"Okay," I stretched out the word, utterly overwhelmed by his strange behaviour as I slid my hand from his grasp slowly and cautiously. "I think we can end the meeting now. Everything that needed to be clarified and said was said."

It was as if realization had hit that old guy hard because now he made a few steps back, holding his hands up. "I'm sorry that I might have intruded in your personal privacy. I didn't intend to come close to you nor did I want to make you uncomfortable, Mr Yeager. I'm truly sorry for my inappropriate manners." He said that in a hurry and tried to be convincing.

Right now I had that urge to slap him in the face, but I couldn't do else than to play along; at least for a little more. "I-It's okay I guess. I will forgive you." A lie. Such a lie.

He placed a hand on his chest, sighing heavily. "I'm relieved. Thank you for your forgiveness, Mr Yeager." Another smile I had to force out before he continued (I bet he had waited for me to smile at him before he would go on), "Well. I think this is enough for today. As you said just now, everything is cleared out."

"Right."

"Then..." A little pause occured in which he smiled to himself again. "we will meet each other at our next appointment again?" There was so much hope in his voice, I was eager to crush it.

"Yes. The agreed appointment in three days." I answered, attempting to sound nice. It was almost impossible by now, that man was irritating me as hell!

"I'm really looking forward to it." After we shook hands, he made his way to the door. During that time, I sat back on my seat as I sent glares to him. Sadly, he couldn't see them. All of a sudden, he turned around quickly, almost catching me in what I was doing. "Oh, I almost forgot!"

I made eye contact with him with the most innocent expression I could manage in those few seconds. "What is it, Mr Sayo?"

He grabbed the inner of his jacket as he responded. "Did I already give you my business card?" He took out a card and a pen from one of his pockets, quickly scribbling something onto the piece of paper. Whatever he was writing there I had no fucking interest in reading it.

"Oh. Yeah, yeah. You gave me one in our first meeting. I still have it." It was the truth and as I was about to show him the card he had given me, he had already slid a second one on my desk. The business card stopped right in front of me and I didn't do more than to peer my eyes at it in venom.

"Until _next time_ then, Mr Yaeger." Mr Sayo said with a smug smirk and made his leave.

I glared at the now closed door before regarding the card again.

Next time?

My brows knitted in confusion, I then turned the card around, reading what was written on the back:

_Call me_ _privately_ _:_

_0XXXX-XXX-XX_

Disgusting. This was fucking disgusting.

More and more anger boiled up inside me as I threw papers on the floor (the ones of Mr Sayo's requests), barely holding myself back.

"Until next time, my ass!" I yelled as I hit the table with my fists, breathing heavily through my nose. That fucking pervert. I'll show him what it means to mess with me.

We won't ever have a meeting again. I'd make sure of it. I didn't want to see his ugly face with that ugly grin ever again!

But before I would do anything, I had to calm myself down first. The past few days were already stressing me out. Not only work, but _other_ things, too. In addition to that, there was also that weird Sayo who brought me over the edge now. Seriously, the luck wasn't on my side at the moment, so it seemed. Putting my head in my palms, I attempted to steady my breath and lower my wrath. It would be a pain in the ass if my serious anger issues, which I had suffered from mostly in my teenage years, were coming back. I had other - more serious - problems to deal with at the moment. There was no time and space to give shits about something as silly and unnecessary as anger issues. Unlike back then, now it would only be my temper showing off too much sometimes, but as long as I managed to control myself as much as possible it should be alright.

I stood up (with a cooled down head now) and collected the sheets that lay on the floor. I made my way out of my office, that stack of paper and the business card carried along with me, aiming for the reception.

"Oh. Hey, Eren." I met with Armin somewhere on my way and without thinking twice my blond friend followed me.

"Hi." I grumbled lowly, still a bit of annoyance evident in my voice.

"Did something happen?" he asked curiously, but also concerned.

The whole time we were walking to the reception and luckily I had there pretty fast. Instead of answering Armin's question, I slammed the sheets on the reception counter and looked down to Sasha who was sitting there - of course with food in her hands.

She had startled by the thump of the papers and when she looked up, her face was a bit scared at first, but it changed immediately when she saw me. "Oh! Itsh you, Ern. What do ya want?" Sasha asked with her mouth full of food.

"Don't talk to me when your mouth is full." I said and with the same monotonous but also slightly snappy voice I went on as I passed her the papers, "Here. My client, Mr Sayo, that had visited me just now. I don't want to work for him anymore. Pass his requests to another employee or whatever. I'm sick of him."

"Why?" Both Sasha and Armin wondered in unison.

I decided to respond to Armin and not Sasha because I didn't answer his prior question, and he deserved to know about it now at the latest. So I took out the business card from my pocket and showed him the front of the little piece of paper.

Armin cocked his head to the side, furrowing his brows, seeming to not understand. Actually, he couldn't understand that by only seeing the one side of the card. "What about his business card?" he questioned in a highly wondering tone.

I turned the card around, revealing the back side as my expression remained annoyed.

"Oh." he stated now, raising both of his brows now as he eventually understood what I was talking about.

Then, I turned back to Sasha and gave her the business card. "Do you think you can do something about this guy? I'll refuse to work for him any more." I didn't care how much inconveniences it would bring along, as long as I wouldn't have to see him again, I would accept it and take responsibility for the consequences.

It took some time for Sasha to find a solution, but after what felt like hours of typing and mouse clicks, I got finally an answer. "All you can do is to trade clients with someone else. That much is allowed. If there isn't a specific reason to why we should cut business with Mr Sayo, I can't do more than that."

"No specific reason?! What the fuck! That guy is harrassing me!" I spat, being close to losing my temper again.

Meanwhile, Sasha took a bite of her sandwich, chewing on it for a long time before she replied to me. She regarded the business card. "Geez, Eren. Just because he writes down "Call me privately" on his business card and gives it to you it is not reason enough to end business with him. I mean, you don't have to take something like that seriously. Where is your sense of professionalism? What are you? 12?" She then let out a loud laughter. Even if no one else laughed about her own joke, it didn't hinder her to continue laughing. It took so long until her laughter died out; all the while I had remained where I was, one arm of mine propped up as I covered my eyes in nerve-racking exhaustion. It seemed that Armin, too, stayed where he was - witnessing everything from behind me.

It even came that far that Connie joined in on us before the ponytailed secretary told me any more things.

"Hey, hey, hey, guys. 'Sup?" he called out in a carefree manner. God, how much I wished right now to be as relaxed as him.

"Hey, Connie." I heard Armin say.

Some time later, in which I didn't say anything to him, I felt a pat on my shoulder. "What's up Yeager? Something wrong?" I could see from the corner of my eye that Connie was leaning against the counter now, switching from looking at Armin, me and then Sasha and his eyes stayed at the latter for quite a while. "Hey, Sasha. It's the hundreth time that you're eating at your work place. Wait 'til lunch time. What if Pixis sees you like that?"

I rolled my eyes as I sighed loudly. Two stupid people at once. "To answer your previous question," I told him harshly with a forced smile and a twitching brow, "Nothing is wrong with me. The problem lays in your girlfriend." I waved my hand to Sasha.

The boy with the buzz-cut was completely overthrown by that. "Who? Sasha?" He then laughed loudly and to not much surprise Sasha joined him. I groaned silently, looking at Armin with pleading eyes after that. My blond friend shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head and smiling insecurely. Connie threw one arm over my shoulder. "Honey. She isn't my girlfriend. It's all platonic. P-l-a-t-o-"

"Got it, got it. Now get off of me." I shoved him off me with a frown before I turned to Sasha again. "Now can you do something or not?"

The brunette looked quickly at the monitor, eating her potato by the way. "Mmh. There are shome-"

"Sasha." I didn't need to say more words for her to understand.

As I wanted it, she swallowed first before starting to talk again. "There are indeed some employees who can trade with you. But it isn't as easy as that."

"What's even going on here?" Connie questioned, his arms crossed behind the back of his head as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Eren wants to change clients because his one has a crush on him." Sasha informed him, chuckling in her own ugly way.

"Hey! This man is a perverted little shit. It's disgusting that he looks at me in such a way. Technically, he could be my father. That's how he looks like."

"So you rather want him to gawk at other of our co-workers?" Buzzhead retorted nonchalantly.

"Well, yes. We have co-workers who are approximately his age. If he wants to hit on someone, then he shall try it with people his age and not those who are way younger than him. The best would be if he loses interest in that because doing that to people, who just want to do their work, is low."

"You're probably right."

"But," Sasha intervened, "As I said before, it isn't that easy. You have to ask your co-workers if they even want to do that and let me tell you that in the worst case no one volunteers because they're fine with their clients. After all, you have to give them the reason for why you're doing it. Your reason is one... well, that no one would like to deal with."

Seriously?! "Then let us kick him out!"

"Not possible."

"I will trade with you, Eren."

I think none of us expected to hear Armin's voice, agreeing to this matter. We turned our heads to him simultaneously, not believing that those words left his mouth just now. He smiled brightly at us as if everything was half as bad as it seemed.

"Armin, I said that we should find one for that client who is older than me and not younger." I told him in a serious tone, not liking the idea of Armin working for Mr Sayo. Armin was too innocent to face - and more importantly work for - such an old pervert.

"If he wants to do that, then let him be." Connie added his part to it, _even though_ he had no right to interfere.

"Can't you shut up for once, ... _honey_?" I spat at him, slowly but certainly losing my patience.

"But Connie is right." Now it was Sasha talking. "Armin is also one of the possible persons who can trade with you."

"Even if that's true," I turned to Armin, "I don't want that. I don't feel well when thinking of the possibility that this man might look at you the same way he looked at me. Thinking of that makes me feel uncomfortable."

"You don't have to worry about me, Eren. I'll be alright. If he happens to do the same to me, we then have the right to end business with him because then we know that he really is a weirdo." Armin smiled reassuringly, not feeling uncomfortable by that at all.

I still wasn't convinced by him and Armin figured that out. "If he dares to make any inappropriate moves, I'll tell Pixis. He'll take care of it."

There was still that little bit of doubt left inside me. "And I will tell Jean." he finished. Seeing him say that with that smile on his face made everything somewhat scary because we all knew what would happen once Jean found out what another man tried to do to his beloved husband.

"Oh." Connie stretched out the "oh", knowing very well what Jean was capable of.

Now all my doubts were vanished. "Well, if that man dares lay a hand on you, he might as well can dig his own grave." I stated, actually befriending with that idea of an angry Jean messing with Mr Sayo.

"Does that mean that you agree on changing clients with one of Armin's?" Sasha asked, full of expectations.

I glanced at my friend quickly, seeing how he gave me a reassuring nod, before I made my decision. "Fine. I'll do it."

"Wait, guys..." It came out of Connie, leaving us in a long silence, making us impatient for what was coming next. "Why are we even discussing that now of all times?! I mean, lunch time has already begun ten minutes ago!!"

I groaned heavily to that while Armin snickered, Sasha not even paying attention. Wow, such a rare thing. For once she didn't react to the word "lunch" and did her work instead. Standing ovation.

"Got it!" Sasha yelled a bit too loudly, typing something on her computer. "Now we just need Pixis' okay and then it's official and legit." She took another bite of her sandwich.

"You have my okay." It came from none of the four of us but from a man who sounded much older than us. That old man was standing behind me and even if there was no reason to, I was scared to turn around. Although it was clear that Sasha was the most screwed one of us all at the moment- no one beside her did something against the rules right now.

I slowly turned around to face the male and as expected it was Pixis joining our conversation. He had a friendly expression and he smiled genuinely, but no one really knew what was behind his facade. Pixis was an unpredictable person. We all had our respect towards him.

"O-Oh, Mr Pixis!" Sasha screeched, dropped her sandwich (something like this was a sin to her), stood up and straightened her body, greeting our superior military style. No one of us understood why she was doing that, after all we weren't in military, but it was obvious from her fidgeting that Sasha was going to get scolded soon. Though, getting scolded by Pixis was different.

The old man sniffed the air, waving with his hand. "Oh, what a nice smell. A faint scent of lettuche, tomatoes and... Is that pork?"

"It's turkey, sir. I-I mean- I don't understand what you mean, sir!" she corrected herself, but it was too late. Pixis had _witnessed_ how she was biting into a sandwich just now.

"Why do I smell turkey here?"

"I'm sorry, sir."

"What did I tell you time and again?"

"No food during work."

"Why?"

"Because for that we have our lunch time."

I snorted unexpectedly, gaining everyone's attention with that for a while in which I then had to cover my mouth with my hand and blushed lightly in embarrassment. Oh god, this was the ugliest snort just now, but I had no other choice! Imagining how Sasha was eating only during lunch was ridiculous to think of and to be honest it surprised me that I was the only one reacting to it. Even Connie had remained silent!

Pixis patted Sasha's head now, who was still in her greeting position; grinning weirdly and sweating in nervosity. "One day, you'll grow up too, Miss Blouse. Now, I'm off visiting an old friend who needs my advice. Cancel all my appointments for today please."

"Yes, sir!"

"You can lower your hand, Miss Blouse."

"Yes, sir."

"And by the way... I hope this was the last time that I heard how you called me only 'Pixis', got it?"

"Yes, sir!"

It was only after Pixis has left that one of us began to speak. It was Connie. "Can we all go to the cafeteria now?! I'm starving." he complained, already opening the door and beckoning us to go with him already.

"Wait! Let me go with you!" Sasha shouted at us.

"No. Your lunch time is on another time." Connie scowled at her.

"But my sandwich is on the floor! I'm hungry."

"Your fault. I don't care."

We all sat at a table, Armin next to me and Connie opposite of me, eating our meal. Actually, I didn't have appetite to eat something, since I was still a bit pissed off of what had happened today. So much trouble over irrelevant things. My head was rested on my propped up palm as I sighed, poking my food with my fork, my eyes lingering lazily on the person in front of me - Connie.

Connie...

I narrowed my eyes as a specific thought rushed through my mind, bugging me. If Connie just hadn't been sick back then, Pixis would have never picked me up to accompany Armin to that meeting. If Connie only had gone to that meeting - as it was planned - I would have never met Levi. And if I had never known him, I wouldn't be in such a state and situation now. I gripped the fork tightly now, my hand shaking in frustration.

In other words, it was all Connie's fault-

All of a sudden, I regained my senses again and realized what I was accusing him of right now. It was wrong of me to think like that! The fork slipped through my fingers and a 'clank' echoed through the room as soon as the dish had dropped to the surface of the table. Some people that sat on the same table as me were most likely looking at me suspiciously, but I didn't bother to care about that. I put my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes and taking a deep breath before I went for my meal. I figured out that I was actually starving to death.

Again I couldn't do else than to let my dish fall, but this time because I received a stingy nudge in my rips. It came from the right side and I knew very well who sat there.

"Ow. Why did you do that, Armin?" I whined, rubbing the hurt spot.

"Don't tell me you're thinking of what I think you're thinking of!" Was the only thing he said harshly, sending me a glare.

I didn't understand what he meant. "Huh?"

He grabbed me by my collar, bringing our faces to eye level. The next things he uttered were breathed out in a whisper. "Don't blame Connie for it. He isn't at any fault!"

"Wait, how did you..."

"I saw it in your eyes and the way you looked at him. Listen. Yes, I know that you have it hard at the moment, but you can't go that far that you start blaming people who are totally innocent in this issue! Eren, what has gotten into you?!"

He shook my upper body, swaying me back and forth. At some point, I managed to grab his wrists and stop his doing, releasing from his grasp. "I got it, Armin. Now let me go! You've understood it wrong. Well... at least partly. It might be right that, for one second, I held a grudge against him a few minutes ago, but I realized by myself that what I was thinking there was totally absurd!" I breathed out a loud sigh in exhaustion, running a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry. It's probably because I'm in a bad mood today."

"I'm just glad that you went back to thinking properly by yourself, Eren. Try not to do that ever again! Don't only try; succeed." Armin lectured, giving me a scolding look.

"Yeah, yeah. I know now that nothing is Connie's fault. I mean, it may be that Levi and I met because of his sickness, but everything that followed after our first encounter was my fault because everything had been under my power. I could have stopped meeting him and never let it go that far that I developed feelings for him, but in the end I let him influence my life. And the worst was that I let him do almost everything with me because I loved him so much. I was in fault for my own unhappiness."

"Now, now. You're going too far."

"But it's the truth!"

My best friend watched me with a pitiful expression, taking a spoon of his lunch then, and being deep in thought after that, tapping his bottom lips with the spoon. "I wonder why he is like that." he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"I don't know..." I struggled with the thought of telling him of what else I knew of Levi, but eventually decided not to tell Armin. Firstly, because I didn't know much more than that Levi used to _know_ abuser. Secondly, I didn't want Armin to deal with it more than necessary. After all, this wasn't something he should care about too much. It would only bring along more problems once he started to search up for details and interfere in my - and more importantly in Levi's - life, even though it wasn't any of his business.

Armin and I didn't talk to each other for a long time after that, though I hadn't really a clue why there was that unbearable silence between us. It was not before we had finished lunch and went back to our offices that Armin was the first one to talk.

He accompanied me to my office. "Well, if you want to hear my opinion I would say that you shouldn't think much about the past and Levi anymore, and rather concentrate on what you want to achieve in the future instead."

I waved with my hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah. I know that. It's not like I'm still sticking to the past. I've already left it behind and I _am_ focusing on what I want to accomplish in my life."

"Oh, really?" It seemed to me that there was an implied disapproving and judging undertone hidden behind his voice, which made me furrow my brows in suspicion.

"Yes, I really mean it." I said, confused by his statement.

"Are you sure about that?" he edged.

"Yes, I'm sure about it! Why are you even asking—"

"Then what about the key?"

This question made me freeze in an instant. Armin threw me off completely with that ask, making me silent. I hadn't been prepared for this question and even less did I know how to react to it.

Almost out of reflex, I turned away, my back facing him now, as I held the key – which was wrapped around my neck. Not a second passed and I had already tightened the grip around the metal, holding it close to my body, as if it were something I had to protect, no matter what. My hand around the key started to tremble, my head lowered to the ground.

Armin had caught me in my sore point. "I-It's the only thing of him that I have left." I spoke out in a shaky voice, trying to understand myself why I was saying this.

"You make it sound like this is the only thing you have of your beloved one that is dead now. Eren, he hurt you. Why are you torturing yourself with that thing that reminds you of him?"

Armin didn't understand. He couldn't understand how I was feeling. I had tried to throw that key away — really! But... I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. "I can't throw it away." It was nothing more than a whisper. There were both of my hands wrapped around the key now, my eyes moving to where the little metal thing was hidden. "I won't throw it away. I j-just... can't do it."

"Can't you understand that, with that key around you, it might be impossible for you to move on?"

I shook my head vigorously. "I _can_ move on, and I will... despite of the it."

"Well, if you say so." he retorted indifferently and kind of lightheartedly, and somehow I had that feeling that he was shrugging his shoulders to it. "I'll have to go back to work now. Until later."

And then he exited the room, leaving me alone in my office; the silence surrounding me.

Why did he have to mention the key?

The key was the only material thing that I had of Levi. It had a physical substance, it wouldn't vanish like one of his hickeys on my skin would.

I couldn't part myself from it. Even though he had given it to me not long time ago.

 

_– Flashback –_

It was the day when we had visited Levi's family.

I was laying in my bed – after the sex session we had in his room – as the two sentences repeated itself in my head, making me unable to sleep.

_'You're a good fuck. Though, I dunno how long I want to keep you anymore.'_

Levi had murmured that right before he had drifted off to sleep and, as much as I didn't want to admit it, what he had said just now was making me feel sick.

I didn't know when it was that Levi woke up, but I could tell that it was nothing more than a nap of a few hours that he had had. During that time, I wasn't able to close my eyes, thinking of it nonstop.

"Oi, Eren. Wake up. We have to go downstairs or else Farlan and Isabel will get suspicious."

I fisted the pillow under my head, letting out a low guttural growl. I had to gulp hard in order to swallow down the lump in my throat before I stood up on the bed. As I was straightening my upper body, I heard some rummaging behind me.

"Levi..." I said weakly, but when I turned my head to him I was met with a necklace in front of my eyes right away.

"Here." he said simply, holding out that key to me with an expressionless face.

"What...?"

He gave a quick look back to the nightstand behind him. "I was actually searching for another thing that was for another purpose, but this is the only thing I found instead. I don't care about it. You can have it." Levi then wrapped his arms around my neck, attaching the necklace to me. The whole time I stayed motionless and silent, not grasping at all what was going on and why Levi was giving me that thing. And for some reason my eyes became teary.

When the raven released from me, he regarded the key around my neck closely before he gave an opinion to it. "Yeah, you—"

And what he said next didn't reach my ears anymore as tears started to well up inside my eyes. I didn't understand this situation at all. First, he said that he was unsure of how long he wanted to stay with me anymore and then this?! What was going on in his mind to act like that?

"Levi..." The tears streamed down my face now and I choked on my words.

"Oi, brat. Why are you crying?" he complained, clicking with his tongue.

So many mixed feelings inside me and I didn't know what to do.

_– End of flashback –_

 

It may be right that I didn't know the meaning behind the key nor if it even had one because Levi never told me anything about it, but one thing was certain.

I will never ever take that key off.

~~~

It was three days later that something unusual happened at my work place. I was in the middle of doing the work for the client that Armin traded with one of mine, namely Mr Sayo, when I suddenly heard loud steps nearing my office and someone calling out for a person. Even stranger was how that shouting voice sounded like Armin's, which confused me even more. I had never heard him yell in the floors before.

And then, all of a sudden, the door to my office was pushed open and a man stumbled in. I recognized that person right away, not to forget how much he had pissed me off. It was Mr Sayo who stormed in my room, standing still at the moment, his hands placed on his knees as he attempted to catch his breath. For a fat man like him even those few steps were a struggle, huh?

Close to behind him was Armin, looking at me with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry, Eren. I couldn't stop him."

"Mr Yaeger!" the man shouted out of the blue, throwing his arms in the air. "What is this?! I don't understand! Why am I not your client anymore?!"

There was a puzzled look on my face for a while, trying to comprehend why this stupid man made of fuss because of the fact that I wasn't working for him anymore. Served him right. No one wanted to see his perverted stares and listen to his inappropriate allusions.

"I'm sorry, Mr Sayo. But why are you intruding in my office like that? It's rude."

His expression was serious. "I don't accept this that easily. I need explanations."

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, but there are reasons for this change. You have to accept it."

"No!" he yelled even louder now, "No, no, no! I was satisfied with you work! Why is that happening to me?!"

This man was gradually irritating me, making me lose my coolness soon. "I'm sorry, Mr Sayo," I told him through gritted teeth. How much I hated it right now to use those polite formalities, "But work is work. Mr Arlert is in charge of your requests from now on. Bear. with. it." I said the last thing with the little bit of patience that I had left, hoping that he would go away after that because I couldn't promise anything if he happened to decide to discuss that matter further.

"What the heck! Where is your superior? I need to have a conversatiom with him. This can't be. I won't let anyone take you away from me."

What the fuck?!

I was about to grab him by the collar and threaten him since he dared to say such a thing, but Armin was faster and positioned himself between Sayo and me.

"I'm sorry that this change is not in your liking, Mr Sayo," Armin began talking in a calm and collected voice, "but Mr Yeager can't work for you anymore."

"And why exactly is that, huh?!" the old man spat in anger, crossing his arms.

"Mr Yeager has got more work to do now. He doesn't have the time to work for as many clients as he used to have, including you, Mr Sayo."

My former client let out another sound of confusion, while I reacted the same way, but by furrowing my brows almost appreciably. What Armin was telling wasn't true... Or, wait...

"Hah?! What do you mean by 'more work to do'? What difference does that make?" Mr Sayo was still unconvinced by that, his frown not altering.

"Well," Armin crossed his arms, too, remaining in a confident position. "One of his other clients, who is way longer a client of Mr Yeager than you are, has given Mr Yeager more _challenging_ work to do. That's why he had to give up on one of his clients and since you, Mr Sayo, are his newest one, it was decided that I will take care of your demands.

An incoherent noise Mr Sayo's ground teeth, his hands balled into fists. "It's because of the money, isn't it?"

"Excuse me?" Armin and I said in unison, not believing that we heard that just now.

"Of course it's the money!" He pointed a finger at us, his face distorted in wrath. "You've decided to work more for you client because he was willing to pay you more! I'm right, aren't I? That's all that young people like you want and think of! Money! But you know what, Mr Yeager? You don't have to accept his offer. Tell me how much he pays and I'll pay more! I can give you as much money as you want, Mr Yeager! Just tell me and I'll give you the amount. Of course only if you go back to work for me." There was an insane grin plastered on his face and his breath went unsteady and heavy.

Slowly but certainly, this man was getting more and more scary.

"I'm sorry to tell you that, but the decision is irreversable." Armin informed him. "Even if you go to our superior, Mr Pixis, nothing can be changed. By the way, it's not a matter of money. It's a matter of the relevance of the client's requests."

There was a long time in which the man didn't answer, watching my blond friend with widened eyes. Eventually, he moved and exclaimed one last thing. "The appointment today is cancelled!" He was referring to Armin and after that he luckily left the office, but not without slamming the door shut.

Armin stared at the door for a long time, with his hands behind his back, before he said in a cute and childish tone, "He's gone."

This made me chuckle lightly. "Thanks God, he is." Re-thinking about everything that had happened a few moments ago, I then noticed one important thing. "Armin."

"Hm?" he hummed carefreely.

"You just told him a lie." It was more of a statement than of a question.

He shrugged his shoulder and when he turned his head to me I was faced with a wide smile. "If it means to protect my best friend, I won't hesitate to tell a second and a third lie."

I gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Armin."

He looked at his watch. "Lunch time will begin in half an hour. How about eating pizza today? I don't have appetite for cafeteria meal, ugh."

Even if he didn't respond to my gratefulness, I was sure that he knew how much I was grateful for his help; not only now but every other time he helped me. "Sure. I'll have finished with my work until lunch."

~~~

"Mmh~" Armin moaned in delight after taking a bite of his pizza. "Oh my god, so delicious. Have I ever told you how much I love pizza, Eren?"

I placed my left cheek on my left palm, cocking my head to the side as a smile played around my lips. "You're saying that to me everytime we eat pizza together."

"I can't do anything against that. I just love pizza so much. Whoever invented it deserves a place in Heaven." The blond took another bite, drawing out a string of melted cheese from the slice of pizza. "It tastes even better after such a stressful hour."

I put the straw of my drink between my teeth and sipped on my Coke. "I hope I don't have to see him again."

"Oh, trust me. You won't see him again that fast anymore."

I gave Armin a questioning look. "How can you be that sure of that?"

"I had received a mail from him ten minutes ago. There he stated that he cut business with me and with Pixis Corporation in general."

"Even better." Was all I said, but to be honest there wasn't much more to say to that.

"You know, I had researched about Mr Sayo a bit before our meeting today..."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "Out of curiosity. I found out that Tony Sayo is a vice-president of a very powerful company in Wall Sina District."

"Wall Sina? That's hundreds of miles away from Shiganshina."

"Yes, but Sayo has business to do in Shiganshina and other places of Wall Maria District for the next several months. He's a very demanding person and there are even rumours of blackmailing and corruption."

"Holy shit. Why would a man like him have business with Pixis Corporation?"

"Beats me. Maybe for his own little interests that don't have much to do with his company."

"Anyway, I'm just glad that he's gone forever now."

"Oh, and he's 47." Armin added quickly. I think he knew that this is the only thing that would have an effect on me.

And he was right with that. Right after hearing it, I choked on my drink, coughing loudly. "What the fuck? How does he dare to have a liking in someone who is 22 years younger than him?!"

"I'm certain he doesn't know about your age."

"But he can _see_ that I'm way younger than him!"

"Well, you've got a point on that." he said as he stared down, touching his chin.

His eyes then wandered to the window behind me and from one second to the other his eyes widened.

This didn't go unnoticed by me. "What is it, Armin?" I turned around immediately, looking out of the window now, too. But I didn't find anything suspicious nor abnormal. With a wondering face I faced back my friend, tilting my head. "What did you see there just now, Armin? What was it?"

Armin's face was back to normal, looking at me with an innocent and oblivious expression. "N-Nothing." he replied with uncertainty trailing his voice.

Of course I didn't accept such answer. I scowled at him now, knowing that Armin tried to hide something from me. "Hey, Armin. Tell me what you saw there just now. Why are you making a big deal out of it?"

"It was nothing worth to tell." he insisted. It seemed that I wouldn't get anything out of him that fast. "Just don't think about him anymore." It surprised me how Armin slapped his hands over his mouth right after he had said that, as if he had spit it out.

Something in my mind told me that it wasn't Mr Sayo that my best friend meant with "him", but... And then everything made sense to me.

"Levi." I said without any emotions.

"I-It was just a quick look at him. He was out of my sight as fast as he had appeared.

I clenched my fists, grinding my teeth. "Why... Why won't he let me alone? Why?!" My voice rose, bordering on an exclamation.

"Calm down, Eren. Please. He isn't coming this way. He's gone. See? That's why I didn't want to tell you. Because I knew that you would react like that. But there is no reason to heat up. Levi isn't here, he's somewhere else."

I looked into Armin's bright blue eyes. Surprisingly, his orbs calmed me down, and I nodded. "Okay. I'm all calm now. But still... I don't understand. How does he find me everywhere?"

My friend thought about it as he curled a blond lock in his fingers. "Well, don't forget that his brother is an expert in IT."

I tilted my head as I gave him puzzled look. "I don't get it."

"He has probably taught Levi how to track phones."

As soon as this realization reached me, my eyes widened in an instant. "You're right, Armin!"

"I'm not sure about that though—"

I pulled out my phone from my pocket, examining it as if it was something I had never seen before. "He's tracking my phone! I have to change my phone!"

"No, Eren. You have to change your phone number."

"I will change my phone _and_ my phone number!"

"Well, you can do that, too, I guess."

"Wait..." I turned to the windows one more time before I looked back at my blond friend. "If he's really doing that, then why isn't he coming here to this place where we are?"

I received nothing more than a shrug from Armin. "Who knows? What I told just now is only an assumption. Maybe I'm totally wrong with it and he uses other methods."

I shook my head. "No, I don't think that. Your suggestion is the most logical."

"You'll know once you've got another phone number. If he doesn't appear where you are anymore, then you can be sure that it was phone tracking."

I nodded in approval. "You're right."

Half an hour later, we headed back to our work place, talking about random things. When we had reached the entrance hall, Armin seemed to look out for someone.

That someone was Sasha. "Hey, Sasha. Are you busy? I need to talk to you in a few minutes." he told her.

"Okay~" Sasha yelled from a corner of the room. It was the place where one could prepare some coffee for themselves... _and eat snacks._

"Well, I'll go to my office now. Till later, Armin."

"Yeah, okay. I need to go get the sheets from my office." And then the two of us parted.

I entered my office, rubbing the back of my head as I yawned. I wasn't in a bad mood nor in a good one. It was something in between; an indifferent mood, I guess.

I was on my way to my desk when all of a sudden my black office chair, which back was faced to me, spun unexpectedly. I freezed in my position, my eyes widening as I tried to think of who it could be that was in my office. The chair was still turning, but only slowly, so that I still didn't know by now who it was sitting there. But then the worst thought came into my mind. After all, he was seen by Armin not much earlier.

Don't tell me...

Oh please, don't let it be him.

I wouldn't mind seeing everyone else here right now, but please don't let it be him. I didn't want that. I just didn't want to see him here now. Why couldn't I have my peace for fucking sake!

My body began to tremble lightly as anxiety rushed through my body, my eyes fixated on the moving chair right in front on my eyes.

It felt like a nightmare disguised as reality when my emerald eyes locked with a pair of steel-grey eyes.

Levi wore a dark blue collar shirt and black pants. His undercut was combed neatly, no strand was in a wrong place. He sat on the chair relaxed, his back leant back lazily as his emotionless orbs pierced through my head. His elbows were propped by the armrest, the fingers of each of his hands were touching by the tips, the hands, overall, forming a triangle.

"Welcome back." he said with a hint of amusement, but mostly seriousness.

I couldn't do more than to watch him from where I was standing motionlessly, my heart beat racing by now, I could practically feel it bump against my rips.

For quite a while I refused believing what my eyes saw there, shaking my head lightly. His presence alone was already making me feel insecure and sick. "How did you...? What are you doing here?" I whispered almost inaudibly, shifting my eyes away from him and slowly to the floor beneath my feet.

Before my eyes were on the ground, I was able to see him stand up, going around the desk as his left pointer finger made traces on the edge of the table. "It's my day-off. By the way, the secretary here is really really really dumb." he answered in a cocky tone.

Sasha did it again? How did she manage to let Levi in a second time, even though she knew that he wasn't an employee here?

"What do you want?" My bottom lip quivered, but at the same time it was anger that rose inside me. That's what it was... I wouldn't let him do anything with me anymore. I was independent from him, actually for a long time already, there was no reason for me anymore to be mentally influenced by him. Raising my head, I then sent him an intense glare. "Go away." I growled lowly.

Maybe it was only my imagination, but I had that feeling that I saw his eyes lighting up for a quick moment – it was in a rather challenging way which could be proved by the fact that he was smirking now. "What if I don't?"

My glare didn't falter. "I won't hesitate to call the security." It wasn't a matter of whether I could do that, the bigger problem was whether Levi would let me. He had many possibilities to make my mouth shut. _Many_ possibilities...

"Oh-ho, I'm scared now. I don't know what to do." he said in a highly sarcastic and amused tone, his smirk not faltering either.

"You're tracking my phone."

"Congrats. You've figured it out."

So it was really true.

"I'll change my phone number."

"I don't care. I know where you live and where you work."

Oh, shit. He got me there. He would still be able to find me.

I took a deep shuddery breath before I said in the most hatred tone possible, "You're making me sick."

His smirk fell. " _Your_ attitude is pissing _me_ off."

I didn't answer to this.

"Come back to me."

Still no response.

"It's an order."

The anger inside me grew as I came closer to Levi – not considering that this might be a big mistake – and with our faces only mere inches apart, I whispered madly, "I don't give a fuck about your orders."

One brow of Levi's twitched barely visibly and before I had noticed it, his hand was already grabbing me by my collar and our lips collided.

I was still in the process of fully realizing what was happening, since this was something I hadn't expected — or should I rather say that I suppressed that thought. My eyes were widened and my breath hitched.

It was one long kiss and during that time he was kissing me I couldn't do else than to let it happen. For some reason I was unable to move my body, I was unable to push him off of me.

When Levi released from me, I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding in. I covered my mouth with one hand as I lowered my head, my lips felt swollen.

"Remember that. It's not the last time that I did this to you." Levi grumbled.

My body didn't move an inch, shivering even more now; no words would leave my mouth. That kiss broke my defense. It was like the wall that I had built up to shield myself from him had crumbled because of that damn kiss. I had lost my guard.

Oh shit.

_Fuck!_

Here I was, being that weak human being again. Unable to protect myself and captivated by another human being who had the ability to make me theirs.

"Oh?" The raven wondered, still amused. "Did I, by any chance, surprise you with that kiss, _Eren_ _~_?"

It was a bad sign that I didn't answer. I was trapped. I was trapped and I couldn't flee.

I felt how Levi's arms sneaked around my waist, bringing me closer to him. I didn't reject it; which was bad. His fingers caressed my lower back with light, feathery touches. "Do you want another kiss?" His lips moved to my ear and the words he said were a husky and raspy whisper. "Or could it be that you want something... more?" He chuckled lowly, licking my ear.

"S-Stop..." I breathed out, muffled by my hand on my mouth. So my voice hadn't gone completely, huh?

"What did you say? I can't hear you."

Whatever it was that caused in me to yell the next thing loudly, I was grateful that it happened. "Stop it, Levi!"

The last thing I heard of him was a sigh in annoyance before my hands pushed him off of me. Looking at him, I saw that he was pissed-off. "D-Don't do that to me. I hate it."

"You think you hate it because you can't resist it. But in reality, you like it — if not, even love it.

"You're wrong..."

"I'm not." He palmed my right cheek. "Why are you making everything so difficult, Eren? It's actually really easy. You just haven't figured it out yet."

"I-I won't go back to you."

"Deep in your mind you want to."

Was he right? What was the thing that I truly desired? Oh, yeah. What I truly wished for was to have a proper relationship with this guy here. But on the other hand, part of me, forbid me to have that desire because it was impossible to happen. One shouldn't wish for something that can never happen. Something impossible can never become reality.

Not bearing eye contact with him, because it was dangerous, I prepared myself to speak out the words that shall make it clear to him ultimately that a continuation of our fuck buddy relationship could never ever exist again in the future.

"Levi... I love you, but I—"

A light knock on the door made me startle as Levi stared at the door now, pulling his hand away from my cheek. Not much later, the door was opened and I heard a voice that I knew too well.

"Sorry for the intrusion." It was Armin saying that. It didn't matter why he wanted to see me, but I was so relieved that he came. After all, I had no clue whether my speech would have convinced Levi or not. Probably the latter were to occur.

Levi made a few steps away from me and towards the door, that many that he was out of my sight now. "You're indeed intruding into a serious talk. Go away." Levi retorted sternly.

I didn't turn around to face the two of them, remaining still, one hand covering my mouth again as my shoulders tensed up.

"Excuse me... but are you one of Mr Yaeger's clients?" Armin asked politely, pretending to not know who Levi was. Of course he knew who he was, but he had a plan that would most certainly clear out the situation in my favor. When it came to such like things, I could count on my best friend blindly.

"I am." Levi replied in a confident and dominant voice.

"No, you aren't." There was a sudden change in Armin's voice, it was hard not to notice.

I slowly turned my head back and what I was met with was something I didn't expect. It was almost undescribable how Armin was looking at Levi right at this moment. His chin a bit lowered, but what was unbelievable was the intense, death glare like, stare he gave Levi. It was as if his big bright blue eyes were piercing holes into the raven's skull. A sight I had never ever seen of Armin before.

Either Levi was really unmoved by that or he was hella good at pretending not to be.

"Leave or the security will be alarmed in a matter of a few seconds." Armin said in the most threatingly voice he could manage. And let me tell you that he was astonishingly good at that.

Levi put his hands in his pockets as he approached Armin. He sank his head to my friend's eye level. "Tch! Do you really think a little blondie like you can intimidate me?"

Armin remained silent, continuing to glare at the raven.

Levi shifted his eyes to me. "See you next time, Eren. Right?" He finally left, but not without a smug smirk plastered on his face.

Armin's face went back to a soft expression as he let out a little sigh. He then smiled at me as he slowly closed the door to leave as well. "You don't have to worry anymore, Eren? It's over now."

That he had left now confused me to the fullest because I would have rather expected him to be there for me since Levi had mixed up my feelings once again.

Why did he do that?

Armin...

\- - -

**Armin's POV**

"Hey, Sasha. As I told you before, I'm here now." I stood in front of Sasha's desk, carrying the sheets in my arms that I needed to give her.

The brunette looked up from the computer, a cookie stuck between her teeth. "Oh, yeah! What'sh up, coconut head?" She took a big bite of her snack, munching it loudly and even letting some crumbles fall on her desk.

I smiled insecurely to it. "Please, refrain from calling me that, Sasha."

"But you are a cute little mushroom!" She spat, her mouth still full by the way, so that some cookie crumbles went flying and passed my head, other hit my shirt.

"Ah, yes. Whatever. Here are the sheets with Mr Sayo's requests." I gave her the papers, and she took them.

She groaned. "Again that matter? What is it this time?"

"You can nullify those assignments."

"Why? Did he fall for you, too?" She asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

"No. He was dissatisfied with the fact that I was in charge of his requests from now on and not Eren. And that's why he end the business."

"I see... Well, okay!" she shrieked a bit too loudly; but that was her nature.

She was about to put those sheets away when suddenly something rushed through her mind. "Say, say, Armin. Could it be that we have a new employee that I don't know of yet?"

I furrowed my brows to her question. As far as I knew, there wasn't anyone new employed at Pixis Corporation, but who could know it better than Sasha — and probably Pixis himself. I shook my head. "No, I don't know anyone."

"Oh, okay..." She placed her pointer finger on her bottom lip. "Well, you see, when I was grabbing some snacks from the table there – a few minutes before you and Eren came – I saw someone entering this place and rushing to the floors where the offices where. I couldn't see much of him, but I was pretty sure that I don't know him."

"Are you sure about that?"

She nodded eagerly. "Yes. From what I was able to see I can say that he had a quite unique appearance. Like, the undercut—"

Hearing that from her made me jerk in both surprise and shock, instinctively slamming my fists on the counter. "Wait! Was he a tall man with a raven undercut?!"

Her face lit up. "Yes! He was! So we do have a new employee, right? Why didn't anyone tell me tha—"

"Sasha! Are you dumb?!"

"What, what?! What did I do wrong?"

Instead of answering, I began to ran to the floor, aiming for Eren's office.

Levi was here. Levi came here to this place before Eren and I arrived here and had probably waited for him in his own office! Crap!

I should've known it. I should have known that when I saw him on the streets! Of course he was heading for this place. After all, I spotted him close to this company. Why didn't I think of this earlier?! Oh god, Eren...

Standing in front of Eren's office door now, I tried to steady my breath first. I had to act normally if I wanted to enter this room.

Eren...

... I will come and rescue you.

I knocked lightly on the door and waited a bit before I opened it. What I was met with was Eren standing in the middle of the room with his back facing me, and a piercing glare of grey eyes that were hard to avoid from the person I expected to be here.

Act naturally.

"Sorry for the intrusion." I said in the most politely voice I could manage at the moment. I would be lying if I said that it was easy for me to do. It wasn't. Not when I knew that Levi was making Eren uncomfortable. I could see that. Otherwise Eren wouldn't have his head lowered like that.

"You're indeed intruding into a serious talk. Go away." Levi spat at me.

_Don't lose your control, Armin._

I smiled as I asked him the following, "Excuse me... but are you one of Mr Yeager's clients?" I knew what Levi was going to answer, but it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing. I had a plan.

"I am." he answered, as I had expected it.

My smile dropped in an instant and I was now sending him a cold glare. "No, you aren't." My voice went deeper now; full of confidence.

I didn't stop giving him a glare, my eyes locked with his. From the corner of my eyes, I saw how Eren turned around and was somehow a little bit taken off, I guess, but not one second did I move my eyes to him. Not yet. Not now. I had to make Levi leave first. "Leave or the security will be alarmed in a matter of seconds."

After some time, he came closer to me, bringing his head to level mine. "Tch! Do you really think a little blondie like you can intimidate me?"

Blondie?!

I still frowned at him, staying silent.

Levi faced Eren, smirking. "See you next time, Eren. Right?"

And then, he left.

I softened my face, sighing lightly. After that, I gave my best friend a big smile as I went to close the door. "You don't have to worry anymore, Eren. It's all over now."

It broke my heart seeing the disappointment in his eyes.

Yes, I wanted to stay by your side now, Eren.

As much as I wanted to be there for you, I had to do something else first.

When I had closed the door, I wipped my head to the right, spotting Levi who was still walking down the floor.

Now or never.

Sprinting fast, I reached him quickly and I thanked the coincidence that we were right in front of a storage room. Levi shifted his face to me, looking in irritation when I suddenly pushed him towards that room. I used my whole body weight for it, after all, I didn't know how strong he was.

Luckily, he didn't react to my push fast enough so that he had no other choice than to fall back into the storage room. But sadly, he didn't do that before he grabbed my arms, making me fall with him.

We landed in a room of almost complete darkness and with a loud thud. My body rolled over the floor a few times before it came to an halt. I couldn't prevent a painful groan from leaving my mouth.

"What the fuck!" I heard Levi snap. "You fucking dipshit! You made me all dirty!"

This wasn't even an understatement. The floor was really dusty. I coughed a bit and wiped some dust off my face as I stood up. Levi did the same, but instead of caring about his face, he rather wanted his clothes to be clean again. Of course he did that while sending me death glares. As a response I stared back at him.

"What?!" There was no way that someone could sound more pissed-off than he did right at this moment. "Do you want to kill me here now?!"

I balled my hands into fists. "Eren loves you so much. Why are you doing that to him?" I shouted from the depths of my lungs.

The few sunbeams that were able to shine through the provisional windows let me see how Levi scoffed as he rolled his eyes. "Oh my fucking god. I can't believe that this is happening to me right now."

I made long and quick steps to him, grabbing him by his collar with both of my hands. To my surprise, he didn't do anything against that.

"Don't avoid my question! Why are you doing that to Eren? Y-You..." My voice trembled in anger. "You are the worst for doing that."

His expression was indifferent. "Thanks for the compliment."

"You hurt Eren!" I went on with the reproaches, hoping that I would get somewhere with them. I needed answers. I needed to understand why Levi did those things to my best friend!

"Oi, I never raised a hand against him."

"But you hurt him emotionally! You did all these bad things to him, even though you know how much Eren loves you..."

"I don't care about his love." he said nonchalantly, making my anger rise.

"Why?" I whispered desperately, close to tearing up.

"Love is temporary. In the end, you'll only get hurt."

It made me speechless tht he said that, and as if it was almost subconsciously, I let go of him.

"Are you speaking from own experience?" It was probably that. I needed to hear that come from his own mouth.

"I don't have to explain myself to you."

"Tell me." I demanded. "I want to know. I want to know why you are doing this to Eren."

"Eren, Eren, Eren. That's all I hear leaving your mouth." He came closer to me, lifting my head up by my chin. A little smirk ghosted around his lips. "Could it be that you have a crush on Eren?"

Levi was twisting the meaning behind my words purposely. God, he was irritating me gradually.

"He's my best friend." I retorted.

The raven raised a brow. "So what? It's not illegal for one to have a crush on their best friend."

I slapped his hand under my chin away. "I'm married!"

"Oh?" His smirk didn't fade away.

"Yes. Married. Something that will never ever happen to you."

His smirk was gone. It was an annoyed look now.

"No one would ever want to marry you because of your personality!"

A frown.

"No one wants someone who doesn't appreciate feelings such as love! No one likes those kind of people!"

He was glaring intensely at me by now! This meant that what I was saying had an effect on him.

"If people like you don't show love and affection, then they don't deserve and need the same thing back!"

"Shut up!" he exclaimed in full of wrath, veins popping up on his neck. "Just shut the fuck up! You don't know anything about me! What gives you the right to think of me like that?!"

The things he was saying made be a bit taken back.

Levi pressed his eyes shut and grabbed his hair firmly as he lowered his head. "All those feelings..." One of his hands moved to his face. "I'm suppressing them for so long already. Don't bring them back! Don't anyone of you dare..."

The sudden change was something I hadn't expected — not even considered.

"Levi?"

The raven released his hands from his head, his grey eyes literally looming in madness as he breathed heavily. "Go away." He pushed me aside and went straight for the door. "Go away! Leave me the fuck alone!"

I looked through the opened door to the floor where I saw Levi walk away. My eyes rested on the floor for a long time before I moved.

I couldn't believe at first that the last last thing made me change my view about him, but it did.

Levi wasn't the tough person I always thought he was.

He was a broken person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Armin's POV! *^* (my cute little cinnamon roll omg)
> 
> I wanted to tell you that I made a somewhat "cover" for this fanfic, since my story is also on wattpad and there the fanfictions normally do have covers! It's posted on my tumblr, too! Here's the [link](http://pinkheichou.tumblr.com/post/145412603776/eren-who-was-hopelessly-in-love-levi-who)! It's kept really simple because actually I can't do art at all! :'D
> 
> Oh, and I found a fic rec list on tumblr by coincidence in which my fanfic is recommended!!!!! OMG! I would have never expected that!! Thank you tumblr user beyond-the-limit for liking and recommending my story!! T^T *gives cookie*
> 
> Also, some of my wattpad readers wanted me to create an Insta acc where I would post about my fic, so I did it! ^~^ The username is 'kawaii_eren' Go and visit it if you want to. As promised I will post sneak peeks there *^*
> 
> Okay, wow, shit is going down next. Poor Armin, poor Eren, EVEN POOR LEVI AT SOME POINT!
> 
> I'll try to update asap!
> 
> (NEXT CHAPTER IS GOING TO HAVE A WARNING! PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR IT!)


	23. Levi's Weird Behaviour (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The next chapter! I'm sorry that it took me two weeks to update. BUT I HAD MY REASONS! Yeah, I was busy the whole last week. After all, it was my high school graduation last Saturday (*~^o^)~
> 
> One can say that this chapter here is a climax. Also, it is the longest chapter I have written so far.
> 
> Oh, yeah, the warning.
> 
> WARNING: ATTEMPTED RAPE/NON-CON!!!
> 
> If you feel uncomfortable with that, then PLEASE DON'T READ IT!!!
> 
> I have added it to the tags now.
> 
> I have realized that skipping the whole chapter would only result that some of you will have a big plot hole. That's why I came up with something:
> 
> Everyone who doesn't want to read the (attempted) rape part, can skip the part once they see '******' and can continue reading after the second '******'.
> 
> PLEASE DON'T FORCE YOURSELF TO READ EVERYTHING IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! YOUR WELL-BEING IS ALWAYS FIRST PRIORITY!

**Eren's** **POV**

It was a surprise for myself that this happened here right now. But Levi was even more surprised when he found out, after opening the door, that it was me who visited him.

Darkness had already consumed the sky over Shiganshina, and the light from inside the apartment was the only source of brightness.

"Oh? It's you, Eren. Quite a surprise." Levi said, placing a hand on his hip as he looked at me with a sly smirk.

Even though my eyes were mostly covered by my bangs, I was able to see him through them, giving him an intense but also expressionless look.

And then everything changed.

My face faltered and suddenly I felt like the most fragile and vulnerable human ever. Someone who couldn't stand on their own. Someone who was unable to live without the person they needed the most.

"L-Levi..." The words were stuck in my throat, coming out as a weak, hoarse whisper.

Levi's expression had altered, too, now that he watched me in... almost pity, I would say.

"Levi..." My breath went uneven, my heart bumping at a fast pace. "Levi, one more—"

"Come in." Was all he said as he placed a palm on my cheek and with his other hand he pulled at my coat and lead me inside. "Seriously. What is your problem?"

"Levi, one more time..." Syllables that I shouldn't allow to leave my lips. "One more time... please..."

We reached the middle of the living room now, halting. The raven turned around and, without a warning, his fingers busied themselves with unbuttoning my coat. "How comes that you want me now all of a sudden?" he asked in a neutral tone, though the greyness in his eyes glooming in excitement, and the little upcurve at the corner of his lips were evidence enough that Levi was actually liking how things were going to turn out soon.

To clarify it... I had no intention to stop midway.

One last time...

"One last time, Levi... Please... Just one last time. I won't bother you after that anymore. Just... one last..." My head sunk and by now the raven had opened my coat completely. I let it slide down my arms and drop to my feet.

It was as if my body had moved by itself when seconds later I found myself clinged to Levi, my hands fisting his shirt while my forehead rested on his chest. "I haven't broken up with you properly yet. I can't do that yet. Just one more time... I want to draw a final end to this. That's why... Please..."

Levi shoved me away from him lightly, his hands remaining on my waist when he ordered with a low and dominant voice, "Say it. Tell me what you want me to do, Eren."

His faint smirk let me know that he knew very well what I meant. Levi wanted me to say it out loud. He wanted to _hear_ how I submitted to him willingly one last time.

I would grant him this pleasure for once. "Sleep with me one last time, Levi."

The sparkling in his eyes told me how much it had pleased him listening to those few words that came out of my mouth. He directed me to his room, pushing my body onto the bed and hovering over me then. His hands were placed on each side of my head and his knees on each side of my hips. "I'll make sure that you won't regret your _last_ time with me, Eren." he breathed out in a seductive whisper as his right finger hooked on the hem of my shirt, pulling it up until my chest was revealed completely. A smirk played around his lips, his eyes hidden behind the locks that fell from his head. His right hand roamed my chest and abdomen, circling the skin with soft but determined fingers that practically claimed my body. "One last time, right...?"

The fact that he wanted the reassurance from me was only alluding to the possibility that I wouldn't leave it at one last time. The fact that I came back to him to demand this from him was proof enough that I didn't only want it to be the last time.

Not one last time but...

I nodded. "One last time, Levi. Please..."

His lips lowered to mine, kissing them very lightly. A feathery kiss and nothing more. He was teasing me.

He caressed my left cheeks while his lustful eyes lingered on my dull emerald ones. "I will grant you that wish, my little pet."

_Pet?_

Something was wrong here. He never called me that before.

What was happening...

Even if it wasn't with a cold sweat on my forehead and a loud gasp whenever I woke up from such like dreams anymore, it didn't change the fact that I hated dreaming of him and me.

Having my arm placed over my forehead, I then opened my eyes slowly, staring up at the ceiling, with half-lidden eyes though, as I let out a quiet sigh.

When would everything that revolved around Levi go to an end, I wondered.

I couldn't make any process in my life if this went on like that.

How ironic that I wanted to forget and move on, but something (that I couldn't define) wouldn't allow me to do so. Whatever this crazy shit was it pissed me off.

~~~

Even during work I had to think about that dream, causing to make me less productive today.

_One last time..._

Why did I say that to Levi in my dream? It wasn't like I had that unbearable urge to have sex with him for one last time in real life. As long as he wouldn't try things on me, I could bear his absence. Or should I rather say I was trying to? No, it wasn't only attempting. It was also succeeding. Yes... I wanted to succeed.

I didn't need Levi in my life. I could live a life without him as well, considering that it was better like that.

He wasn't necessary in my life...

God, thinking of him was making me sick.

It was now that I realized how thinking about how I was wasting time about unnecessary nonsense at work made everything even worse because I wasted more time. I became even less productive and was less concentrated on work _because_ I was thinking of other trivial things.

No to forget that I couldn't get work done while standing in front of the window and spacing off.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I took calming breaths, turning to my desk then. There, I spotted the newspaper, one specific page having red circles. It was the page for house-hunting. I really needed to move out from Armin's place. Not that Armin was pressuring me – not at all – it was rather my own self that told me that I was living with him too long already. I couldn't count myself as a grown-up if I wasn't able to find a new home for myself.

I was about to sit down and continue my work when all of a sudden someone knocked at the door unexpectedly. With furrowed brows I was making my way to the door, but it was already opened by the intruder himself. It may be wondering that I wasn't anxious about the possibility that it might be Levi again who randomly decided to visit me again, but that was only because Armin and I told Sasha to be more attentive from now on to not let a raven guy in anymore. Of course we had no assurance that she would fulfill her task, but nevertheless I was pretty confident about that. Next time she was making that mistake again, I would make sure to let her starve for one whole day. Sometimes people would only learn through punishment.

"Do you have some time?" A head with blond hair popped up into my office, the rest of the body still hiding behind the door. It was Armin, though he wasn't in his usually happy mood.

Something was up.

"Of course." I answered, even if it actually was a lie. Honestly, I couldn't allow myself to delay my work a bit more, but that thing with Armin right now was more important. There was something that bugged him and made him feel truly down, and there was no way that I was going to ignore that. "Come in." By smiling at him, I tried to loosen the current tensed atmosphere, but it seemed that my efforts were to no avail.

Seriously, what was up with Armin? How could there be something that affected him this much and in this way?! The way he walked in—cautiously and silently. The way he looked at me—namely, not at all. His head was lowered and his hair around his face made it difficult for me to figure out his expression.

"Armin, what's up?" It had already made me suspicious that I didn't see him at home during breakfast time. Jean didn't tell me anything (though, that much was to expect of him), but his unsatisfying answer hadn't erased my doubts and suspicion. Thinking twice of it, I was pretty sure that Jean didn't know either what was up with Armin. After all, my best friend had left the house really early.

Armin halted in the middle of the room, there were at least five feet that parted us. His eyes were still fixated on the floor, his fingers entwined. "I'm sorry, Eren."

I hadn't expected him at all to say these exact words, which confused me even more now since I had no clue why he was apologizing in the first place—and more importantly what for.

The knit of my brows deepened. "What do you mean, Armin? You are sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry, Eren." His fingers played around, fidgeting here and then. "I'm sorry."

He was seriously irritating me. It didn't make any sense to me. "What are you talking about? Why aren't you looking at me?! What did I do wrong? What have _you_ done that you have to apologize now?! I don't understand!"

Armin didn't bother to raise his head to me, neither did he make a step forward. "I know I've always told you the opposite up until now... But that was before _it_ happened a few days ago."

It didn't help me at all to understand when my friend was talking in riddles. "Hey, Armin. What do you mean? What happened _a few days_ _ago_? Answer me! And look into my eyes!" I was so close to grab him by the collar, and force him to look at me and spit out what he had to say.

This time, Armin really made eye contact with me, looking at me with deep worry filled in his eyes. "Eren..."

"What...?!" I snapped through gritted teeth, barely being able to control myself. I was losing my patience and that Armin built up a tension before telling me what he wanted to say to me made me mad.

"Please don't give up on Levi."

What?

It seemed that I had told a lie just now. _This_ was something I would have never ever thought of coming out of Armin's mouth. Armin who had never really approved of my and Levi's fuck buddy relationship. Armin who knew very well how much Levi was making me sick. Armin who wouldn't say something like not to give up on Levi; not under these circumstances.

What had gotten into him to think like that?!

"H-Hey... What are you saying there?" I sent him an insecure smile, inwardly still hoping that Armin was just telling a bad joke right now. There was no way he meant it seriously, right?! "You're joking, right?" Oh god, please let it be a joke.

"I wouldn't tell jokes when it comes to serious matters." Armin answered monotonously, the same trait reflected in his expression.

Hearing this made me totally insecure. "Why are you saying that? What made you think like that? I have already given up on him!"

"No, you haven't." I startled. Was it true? Was I still not over him?

Wrong. He was wrong. I was making efforts on leaving Levi behind – I knew that better than him! And... there wouldn't be any doubts if Armin didn't bring up that matter again.

"Leave." I said sternly, my fists clenched. "Or else I don't know what I'm going to do next." You were making me totally anxious.

Even if we remained in a little silence before Armin responded, it didn't seem that he used that silence to decide for an answer. The reply that came from him sounded understanding and determined. "Okay." He turned around and made his leave.

"No, stop!" Why were you doing that to me, Armin? "Don't leave yet!" Why was he saying those things to me? I wanted an explanation. "Why do you think is it better not to give up on him?"

"I never said that it would be better." His eyes were locked with mine again, a cool and collected expression featuring his face. After giving him a tilt of my head and a confused look in addition, he continued explaining. "I talked to Levi a few days before."

Another startle. Fuck. Why was he making me feel insecure with every sentence that came out of his mouth next?! I didn't want to know what else he had done. Right now, I was even prepared for him to say that bringing Levi to this place was his idea.

"When did you do that?"

"Right after I made him leave your office. After that, I ran up to him and shoved him into the storage room. There I had my talk with him."

That was the reason for his leave from my office on that day?! And I had thought that he was fed up with comforting me. "Why?" I had made it clear to him before that it was no use to confront Levi. Why did Armin do that?! "I told you that something like that is pointless! Why did you do that?!" My voice rose unexpectedly. Getting to know that Armin had spoken to Levi about me made me... Made me what?

"The point is that it wasn't useless at all. In contrary, I was able to find out why Levi was the way he was behaving. It became clear to me that Levi's attitude was a facade. There is a reason for the way he is or rather pretends to be."

It was me now who stared at the ground, closing my eyes as my hands balled into fists once again. "Do you think I don't know that? So what if he doesn't show his true self?! I can't change that!"

"Eren... You can change it. If... If you try hard enough—"

"But I don't want to try anymore! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of dealing with something that makes me unhappy!" I looked up to him again, watching him with rising anger. We should stop talking right here and right now. Or else... Or else there might happen a big mistake. A mistake that will probably be made by me.

"Levi is the only one who can make you happy." When those words left his mouth I felt like I was trapped in an illusion, the world around me twisting in a surreal way. Levi was the only one... who could make me happy?

"Ridiculous." I commented derogatively. "You're telling nonsense."

"He is the one who hurts your feelings the most at the moment, but at the same time there is no one else who can repair them and make you feel better."

"The fuck are you telling there! The Armin I know would never ever say something like that! The Armin I know wouldn't want me to get hurt by Levi again!"

It was still a mystery to me how my friend was able to stay calm in a situation like this. Like, how was he able to come up with explanations for everything I said. What kind of game was he playing with me?!

"The Armin the two of us knew didn't know it any better back then." With narrowed eyes I awaited for him to go on. "Eren, you have to find out why Levi is the way he is. Not only that, but also change him. You are the only one who can do that. You've spent enough time with him to know what he is like—at least what he pretends to be like. Try to make him love. At this rate, I bet no one else can do that. And I know you very well enough to know that your stubborness would bring you somewhere that is worth to fight for. After all... Isn't the thing that you crave the most Levi's love? One has to break his hard shell. No one else can do that than you. Because for that you love him so much."

"I can't believe it..." Too many emotions rushed through my body when I came closer to my best friend, my eyes widened in disbelief and my whole body tensed and shivering. What Armin was saying was fucking nonsense! I didn't want to hear any of it! He didn't have any clue about how I felt! "Did you draw that conclusion after that one time that you've talked to him?" Now it was only a few inches between us. I looked down to meet his eyes, starting to glare at him.

Armin had to tilt his head back extremely in order to make eye contact with me—our height difference was not just slightly different. I didn't know whether it was just my imagination, but it may be that Armin was slightly intimidated by the way I looked at him, not forgetting how close I was to him. Though, that was no reason for him not to answer. "Well, yes. The few words Levi said were enough for me to form an opinion on hi—"

It didn't only surprised him but also me when my flat hand slapped across his face, leaving a red stain on his cheek. The slap was not hard enough for him to fall onto the floor, but regret overwhelmed me the second I saw Armin's face tilted to the side – due to the impact – the reddened spot clearly visible on his face. With a shaky breath I raised my hand, which was trembling like hell, still feeling that stingy sensation that one would feel after a slap. It made my palm fidget even more when the horrifying thought repeated itself over and over again in my head.

I slapped him. I really slapped him. _I_ _slapped_ _my best friend!_

Armin placed a shaky hand on his bruised cheek, facing me again; his expression full of disappointment and shock. "Why did you hit me?"

At first I responded with an apologetic expression, regret featuring my whole facial expression. I had to apologize to him. But then my face straightened and changed to a frown.

"What you were telling sounded like you wanted to order me around. As if you wanted control over me."

No! That wasn't what I must say to him. 'I'm sorry.' I had to say those three words. 'I'm sorry.'...

My friend shook his head. "Then you've got it wrong. I'm sorry that it sounded like that." _No. You_ _weren't_ _the one who had to apologize right now, Armin._ "Let me put it in other words. I hadn't the intention to force you to not give up on Levi. It was just a suggestion! It was the only solution for me to help you. But of course you don't have to take it seriously if you think that it won't change anything!"

The frown hadn't left my face, intensifying with every sentence that Armin uttered. My mind was spinning around, not being able to form proper and logical thoughts for the while. The emotions rage, despair and irritation took over me, and everything I thought and said was due to those emotions. Nothing good would come out of my lips, as long as my feelings were controlling me. I had to... get a hold of myself... Before it would be too late.

"You know what I think," _No. Don't say something wrong now, Eren._ My jaw tightened and my eyes narrowed. "Now I'm pretty sure that you don't want to help me, Armin."

His eyes widened as he shook his head fast. "No. No! You're wrong!"

"As a best friend you wouldn't give me an advice that was bad for me." I said with an emotionless voice, giving him a glare.

"You are wrong! Do you really think that I would want to harm you on purpose? Do you really think that?!"

"Seeing what you suggested me and how things are turning out... yes, I really think that." What was I saying there?! Armin was the purest human on earth. He wouldn't bring harm on his friends or innocent people!

 _I_ was the one who was hurting right now. _I_ had to stop talking. I had to... No, I wouldn't leave it like that. My best friend had dared to tell me to not forget about Levi. Armin wanted me to suffer more!

Armin cringed and his eyes became teary. "Eren, you've changed just now. Why are you like that?"

Without giving it a second thought, I spilled out the words that came to my mind first. "You made me like that. I'm just protecting myself from you."

He grabbed his head with both of his hands, grabbing a fistful of his blond locks as he sunk his head and shifted his head from left to right and vice versa lightly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Don't take my words seriously! I've come up with a bad advice and I'm sorry for that! I didn't want to make you mad with that! Don't listen to me! Don't think about Levi anymore! If you think that you're better without him than I will accept that! It was wrong of me to think that Levi's love can make you happy. I was wrong, okay?! I'm not perfect. Isn't that what makes a human a human? Having flaws!"

"You're pathetic."

"I'm s-sorry." His voice was already cracking and breaking.

My best friend was close to cry and I didn't do anything against that. After all I was the reason why he was close to cry.

That sight of him was pathetic. Right now he was even more pathetic than I was in the past few days. Yeah... I wasn't the loser anymore. I didn't want to be the loser.

Was the concept of being and feeling stronger than someone else on a physically and mentally basis human nature? Was that the reason why my subconsciousness behaved like that? Or was I just too egoistic and cruel to realize that what I was doing was wrong on all levels?

Whatever it was it didn't stop me from continuing. "I thought you were smart, Armin." The tone in my voice had a scolding touch, even insulting. "And yet you are trying to help me in this way. Are you dumb? 'Don't give up on Levi', this is the dumbest thing that can ever come from your mouth. At the same time, it just proves how less you care about me." I extended my arm, pushing my pointer finger against his head.

"No..." he retorted weakly, his shoulders quivering.

"You're just coming up with things that sound plausible. As long as I'm listening to your shit and believing them, you're fine, right? I would have never guessed that you are that sly."

Armin winced to the last word, trembling even more now. His wet eyes locked with mine again and all I saw in them was pain and sorrow. "You're wrong. You know that. Why won't you admit it? I've been your best friend for the longest time now and you really think that I want to see you suffer? All my efforts are for your sak—"

"Bullshit!" I yelled at him with a noticibly risen voice, anger and madness accompanied. "That's bullshit! Just compare yourself with me. _My_ life is a mess with no clear future. I don't know what I'm going to do with it because my current situation is taking me down. You are younger than me, but you have already accomplished more than I will ever have in the next ten years! You are happy, you have kind friends, you have a lover who adores you, everyone loves you!"

Armin stepped back, watching me in fear and confusion. "W-What are you trying to say with that?"

I made two steps towards him. "What if your life is just a show?" The fear in his face had overwhelmed his confusion. "What if everything in your life is just a pretence? Yeah, what if you married Jean just because of his money? You don't care about him, you just want to live in wealth! I mean, you have married the guy with the worst personality ever!" I threw my arms to the side.

"Don't say that. You're mean. I love Jean; dearly and wholeheartedly."

"I don't believe you anymore! You're helping your friends, but in reality you enjoy how you live the best life of them all. You don't want anyone to be as happy as you!"

"No! That's a lie!" He couldn't hold back the tears anymore and now they were flowing down his cheeks. "What y-you're saying is ludicrous. I'm not fake."

"You have everything, and I have nothing! The best for you would be to leave it like that. And you know what?" I should stop now. I've made everything worse enough already. "Someone like you who is thinking like that is the worst best friend one can ever have!"

Now it was over. I had destroyed everything between us that was able to be destroyed.

Armin stood totally still and both of us watched the other with widened eyes.  
Oh my god. What have I said?! This didn't really leave my lips just now, did it?! I didn't say those mean things to Armin, did I?!

The blond sniffed once as the tears continued streaming down his face. "My attempts to support you as much as I can... They were always without any bad intentions. You don't deserve to be unhappy and have nothing."

After all those things that I said to him and called him he didn't do the same back. I had hurt Armin the worst way ever, and he didn't hurt me the same way back.

"Armin..."

He wiped off some of the tears on his face. "I-I just wanted to make you smile genuinely again. I really wanted to see you happy again."

Armin turned around and left my office quickly.

Instead of stopping him in his tracks, I let him go. There was no way that Armin would want to talk to me anymore. I'd ruined everything. I had ruined everything just because of one thing.

 _I'm sorry, Armin_.

~~~

Even hours later the happenings from today didn't leave my mind, Armin's words and cries repeated in my head over and over again. I couldn't understand why I said those things to him. He didn't deserve to be treated like that and yet I hurt him in the worst way possible. The biggest mistake I had probably made was to call him the worst best friend. That was a lie. Armin was the best friend I could ever have. Really!

Fuck.

Over those passing hours I hadn't done else than to stand in front of the window and bite my nails anxiously or sit at my desk and hide my face behind my face as regret remembered me time and again that what I had done was unfair and pathetic.

I didn't understand.

Why wasn't I able to keep my silly and unreasoned accusations to myself? It was not the first time that I said something I didn't actually want to utter out loud, but for some reason in situatuon like these my mind wouldn't listen to me and let my feelings control me and my train of thoughts. I had to work on that problem of mine.

But... realizing that I had done a mistake didn't bring my best friend back.

I had hurt him, and he wouldn't forgive me for that. At least not that fast.

A knock on the door ripped me apart from my depressing thoughts, snapping me  back into reality. I still hadn't left my office yet and a quick glance at the clock told me that it was past 5. Actually, it was already 8 o'clock. My shift had ended a long time ago. I had wasted more than three hours in mourning and self-hatred without noticing.

Eventually I freed myself from my freezed position, sitting straight as I collected some papers on my desk. Not only did I stay in my office longer than expected, I also didn't do any work today. Literally. Everything I had achieved today was counterproductive _and_ self-destructive.

"Eren? You're still in your office?" It was Pixis who entered the room and asked me this with one brow raised suspiciously and pursed lips. "Staying here late is not like you. I realized that I haven't got any reports from you today. Something wrong?"

Sighing loudly, I rubbed one eye before responding with a weak shrug of my shoulders. "I'm sorry. Due to... _personal reasons_ I couldn't work properly today. I can fully understand if you want me to take a night shift as a compensation for my lack of productivity today. I will follow that order if you say so."

"Nah, no night shifts. I don't torture my employees with that. Go home already and take a rest. I can see that you look exhausted."

Exhausted? Go home?

If I had the strength to do that, I would have laughed at that.

How pathetic.

He tapped his chin as he rested his elbow on his forearm that was placed across his chest. "Sasha told me that Armin went home earlier today. He didn't seem very well. Do you know what the matter was?" He sounded really concerned, like always when something was up with one of his employees.

Hearing that caused a sting in my chest and even more unbearable was how I was practically forced to lie to that question. "No, I don't know anything."

Now it was him shrugging his shoulders. "Then I have to ask him that personally. Don't stay long here anymore, Eren. The building will be locked up in one hour." After that, he made his leave.

Remaining in my sitting position, I stared at the door for what felt like hundreds of years, not moving at all, before a desperate scoff left my mouth.

God, everything was upsetting me.

No matter what I did the happenings from today would constantly bug my mind. I didn't want to remember them.

I needed to forget.

~~~

A half empty vodka bottle in my hand and my other hand leant against the wall for support, I walked down the street without any destination. It was cold outside and the breezy air was hitting my face and made the tip of my nose reddish.

The alcohol was already working in my body, numbing my senses. But I honestly didn't care. In orders words, I preferred not being sober at the moment, like that I couldn't think too much of the things that I had failed at. Not being reminded by my mind that I sucked at staying calm when something didn't turn out like I wanted it to be was something positive for which I was alcohol grateful for.

Everyone and everything can kiss my fucking ass, I didn't care.

Taking another swig of the vodka, I moved forward, gradually becoming wobbly in my walk. The wall next to me was absolutely necessary for me by now or else I would fall face first. Maybe the two Jägermeister that I swallowed down before were a bad idea.

Coming to an halt, I then looked around me, though I couldn't trust my eyes, and my senses, for much longer anymore. It was dark outside, but the streets were dived in the bright whites that the lights emitted. Only the streets were illuminated luminously, everything else that surrounded the main street hid in the dark. A few shops still had opened (it was 9 something o'clock) and the owner of the apartments above the shops seemed to be sleeping already. Nearly everyone had their lights off. Not many people were walking outside either, I was able to spot barely a handful of humans walking on the streets, chatting or rushing to their homes silently and/or tiredly.

I was practically alone here.

Alone... and lonely.

Perhaps that was what I deserved. Someone like me who couldn't get their shit together, who fell for the wrong person, who insulted their best friend - even though he was innocent - didn't deserve any better.

_My fault._

Oh, fuck!

I needed more of the vodka. This was not enough yet. I needed to avoid my bad conscious that was implicitly trying to blame me for everything that I had done wrong. I didn't want to remember that. Not by myself, and not by anyone else!

I knew myself the best that I've made dumb mistakes!

I had brought myself into this shitty situation. But I would have never guessed that there was the possibility to bring it that far that I lost my best friend in the end. This wasn't expected. Losing my support was equal to shooting myself in the foot. Or giving up.

In the end, I thought about everything more than I wanted to, although the alcohol had already affected my body quite a lot. Escaping from my problems and responsibilities was impossible.

Fate detested me extremely.

I had reached that point where I didn't know what to do next, even less what to do to fix things. Hell, I even lost a home where I used to be welcomed (more or less, excluding Jean). My side was resting with all my body weight against the wall and the bottle in my hand was pressed against my chest as I slid down the wall slowly, my face distorting in emotional ache and unbearable sadness. A low, guttural sound rose from my throat as my lips quivered, my eyes holding the tears in and my mind desperately attempting not to burst out from all the emotions that were kept inside and oppressed when actually all they wanted was to be released in one loud cry orgy.

"I have... lost... everything." It was a strangled, desperate whisper; inaudible for anyone who passed by but loud enough for me to repeat the last two words. "Lost... everything..."

My life was one whole damn wreck in the last few weeks, nothing of the things that had happened was in my favour, not giving me motivation to look positively into the future. My life was running in a vicious circle, and I was unable to break out from it. I had no clue what the key to happiness was, but I was in desperate need of that, that much was for sure. I was sick of trying to find my happiness in love and affection in a person because I knew that it might hurt me emotionally again. Living a life in peace with the people who appreciated the affection I expressed to them was something I desired more at the moment.

But was that even possible anymore?

I had fucked up. My life had hit me hard in the face more than one time. At this rate, it wouldn't even be any surprise for me anymore if I got hit by a car.

"Oi, brat."

I said getting hit by a car and not encountering the person I wanted to see the least at the moment.

Growling in hatred, I gripped the wall behind me hard with one hand as I held the bottle close to my chest with my other hand, slowly and shakily getting on my feet. "What are you doing here?" I hissed between ground teeth, glaring at him in pure wrath. "How did you even find me in the first place?! I _did_ change my phone number!" Eventually, I managed to stand in a more or less steady position.

Levi's eyes had followed mine during the time I was trying to get up, using more effort than a sober person would take and need. His brows were furrowed and he scowled at me. "Tch. Fucking chill. This time it's really coincidence that we meet."

I let out a scoff, going back to sending him death glares in less than a second. "I don't care. Go away! I don't wanna see ya!" I spat at him and wanted to make it clear to him by approaching him threatingly, but after taking one step, my body fell backwards and against the wall immediately. This was too fast. I shouldn't have moved abruptly or else I won't be able to coordinate my body at all.

"Oi, why are you drunk?" he commented with a pissed-off voice, examining me from top to bottom, his eyes halting on the thing that was in my hand. As soon as he saw the vodka bottle, the furrow in his brows deepened. "What...?"

"I'm not drunk." I retorted, taking another sip from the bottle.

"Seriously why are you drinking that much? Know your limits."

Another derogative scoff before I gulped down another generous amount of the alcoholic content. "You aren't my mom."

"Well, thanks heaven."

"You can't lecture me. I'm an adult. I know what I'm doing."

Levi clicked his tongue. "What you're doing right now is proof for the exact opposite of what you're claiming, you dumb brat."

What he thought of me didn't matter to me at all, even less did I want to hear his complain and opinion on my behaviour. Nothing of all this would have happened if... Yeah. It was as if realization had hit me hard with what my brain came up with now. Something that was plausible and didn't sound illogical at all. A wonder that I was able to produce reasonable thoughts in my current (unstable) state. Nothing of all this would have happened at all, if I had never met Levi. He was the one who had changed my life drastically and the moment he appeared in front of my eyes and practically entered my life, it had already become clear that he would mix up my feelings. Back then, I didn't know how much of an influence Levi would ever have on me. Why didn't he give me up and search for another one with whom he could have his fun?!

Everything was—

"Your fault." I uttered almost inaudibly, but as this thought processed and repeated itself several times in my head, it actually made sense. It all made sense to me now. "Everything is your fault! You are the wrong person to fall in love with! It's because of you that I had to go through many shits! It's your fault that I fought with my best friend! If I just hadn't met with you back then... Someone like you... Your attitude..."

The irritation in his face was hard not to notice. He narrowed his eyes at me. "What are you babbling there ab–"

"I hate you for being the way you are!"

I screamed at him, pushing every bit of air out of my lungs. There was a long silence in which only my heavy breathing was heard; Levi frowning at me with slightly widened eyes. I didn't know whether there were people around us (probably not), but if there were some, then there was no doubt that everyone of them would turn their heads to us. Another gentle breeze of cold air let our hair dance. It took me literally half a minute to realize what I had yelled at Levi just now. 'Hate' him? This was a strong word that I had never considered before to say to him. Was is it yet another mistake that I had made? Was I going to regret that one, too, later?

"Levi..."

"Is that so?" He hesiated with his next words, opening his mouth but deciding to close them for now as his expression faltered, bordering on a hurt expression, or maybe it was a contemplating and struggled face. His lips parted again and this time words were coming out, though his voice had a utterly different octave now and sounded forced. But regardless of that, he came closer to me and exclaimed in a risen tone, "I hate you for having fallen in love with me!"

Forget everything I said just now, this guy was the worst. "Fine. I don't need a person in my life who can't make me feel wanted. Fuck off." I stressed the last two words by rolling them over my tongue as slowly and clearly as I could, despite of my drunkness.

"I hadn't had the intention to stay here with an annoying drunkard any longer in the first place. Just don't fucking overdo it."

"I can take care of myself."

He rolled his eyes and shrugged. "If you say so. But do that..." He snatched the bottle out of my hand all of a sudden and when I wasn't expecting it at all. "... without more alcohol."

I looked down at my palm first, seeing how it was indeed empty and when I raised my head again, Levi was already distancing himself from me. Turning my head to the right, I saw him carrying the vodka with him and lazily walking away, as though he knew that I wouldn't follow and catch up with him. And I had to admit... It was true. All I could do now was to shout at him. "Hey! Give it back to me! Hey, I'm talking to you!" He showed me the finger as a response, but without turning around to me. "Asshole! Fuck you! I hate you!"

It was not much later that I had given it up, and let my back fall against the wall and slide down. I sat like that on the cold ground for a while, my head hanging low and my eyes staring at the asphalt. There was only one time that a what seemed like a couple attempted communicating with me.

"Excuse me, young man. Are you alright? Do you need a cab? Or maybe an ambulance?" A stranger with a female voice asked me, honest concern evident in her voice.

I didn't need anyone's pity. "Fuck off!" I spat, not bothering to look at the woman.

"Leave him alone." A man (most certainly the one next to her) said and then I was already hearing steps distancing from my place. I was still able to comprehend the last thing the man said. "You don't need to waste your time with a guy like him. He's probably just drunk or high, or both."

I bided in my spot a little longer before I decided to stand up and this time go somewhere in particular. I had no clue why it didn't come to my mind earlier, because actually there was a place that I could go to. There was one place where I was–

"Mr Yeager?"

I freezed. That voice. That ugly voice. There was only one person that this voice could belong to, but the question in my head on why that particular person was here, hindered me to believe that it was him.

Slowly, very slowly, I raised my head and disbelief overtook my mind when there was the visual evidence for my assumption. "Mr Sayo?"

It was really him. It was really Sayo standing there, looking at me with a what seemed to me a repellent grin. What was he doing here? In this place? At a time like this? _Next to me?!_

"What are you doing here?" I breathed out, suppressing the anger that wanted to accompany my voice. Though my bottom lip was already quivering in rising wrath. Not wanting to see Levi was one thing, but Sayo was the other person I didn't want to have to deal with. I resented him the most of all people.

"Oh, I followed you after work." he answered bluntly.

Creep. Such a creep.

He followed me? There was another person who stalked me?! What the fuck!

"Why are you doing that?" I questioned, not meeting his eyes and instead seeing past him to the other side of the street. Why wouldn't he leave me the fuck alone, for fucking sake?!

The old man glanced at his watch quickly, tilting his head as if he were in thoughts. "Though I have to say that you left your work place pretty late. Is that usual? I thought people like you would work up to 5, or 6 at the most."

It was true that I hadn't left Pixis Corporation before 8 and the thought of Sayo waiting somewhere outside near the building until I would come out made me sick.

"Stop following me."

"Say," he changed the subject, not much to my liking, "That guy from before... You know the raven man with whom you had a longer conversation with... Is he your boyfriend or so?" His question was spoken out in a careful way, as if he didn't want to trigger something off with that and rather tried to ask innocently.

The fuck, did he really think I didn't know what was going on! A half smile appeared on my face as my eyes showed off madness. "No. He isn't." I could have lied to him to get him away from me with his cheap "flirt" attempts, but I still had that little bit of dignity left inside me that convinced me to stay honest and solve my problems without any dirty ways. "He isn't my lover. I would never ever date someone like him." Was that already dishonesty?

"I see." Sayo fidgeted with his fingers, seeming to become impatient. "Well, if you don't have anything to do, I can bear you company." he offered, his behaviour overpowering with self-confidence.

That pervert was making me really sick.

"Disgusting." Was all I said to it and after that I made my leave, slowly walking away from him, though one of my hand leant against the wall to support me while I walked. We shall not forget that the vodka was still affecting my body.

Suddenly, I felt how someone threw my unoccupied arm over their shoulder. It was no one else than Mr Sayo. "You don't seem to be in good shape. I have a hotel room nearby. How about—"

"Leave me alone." I released from him and walked a bit faster now. But neither my words nor my actions shook the old man off.

He walked up to me and followed me with the same fast pace. "Mr Yeager, I'm really worried about you. You shouldn't wander around at night like this. There may be shady persons who don't have any good intentions with handsome and innocent looking people like you."

One of those creeps was next to me. "Go away." I said in a stern and steady voice, not bearing eye contact with him.

All the while, we weren't halting at all. And Sayo didn't give up. "I don't mind you resting in my hotel room. I still have some business to do here in Shiganshina. And if you want, Mr Yeager, I can listen to what is on your mind. I'm a really good listener and can empathize what other feel. We can have a good time together and I would even offer you to massage your back if you are so stresse—"

Now, things were going to far. I stopped in my tracks abruptly, turning to the side to face him with an intense glare plastered on my face. I had the unfortune that the dark alley next to us was the reason that there wasn't many lights on us, so that I was barely able to figure out his figure.

Breathing heavily through my nose and clenching my fists, I said, "No, I don't want to have sex with you."

His body tensed up a bit, startling. "Now, Mr Yeager. I didn't mention that at all."

"Are you fucking dumb?! Do you really think I'm as oblivious as to not know what you're trying with me? I haven't realized that only now, no, I—"

"But Mr Yeager—"

"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking! I knew from the very start, from the first time you were in my office that you had, and still have, more in mind than a fucking business relationship!" My voice rose gradually, and I took a deep breath before I went on while Sayo stayed all silent, which actually made me suspicious. With as much hatred as possible I told him, "You are grossing me out."

******

A hand clapped over my mouth as my body was dragged into the alley and since no other person had passed by, only one could come into consideration.

Sayo. Sayo did this!

It took me quite a while to process what was happening here right now, but alone the fact that I was pushed into a dark spot, where no one was around, against my will was enough to alert me. I struggled with the hand over my mouth, digging my nails into the flesh to make him take his palm away. I also wanted to pull away from his firm grasp, but before I even had the chance to it my body was already pushed against the wall, chest first, my head cocked back because of the hand on my face. Sayo pressed his other hand on my shoulder, putting pressure on it as one of his knees squeezed my thigh. Even though he was a bit smaller than me, his body weight helped him to keep me in place.

I then sensed his face next to my left ear, practically hearing him smirk due to his heavy breathing. "Don't be scared, Mr Yaeger. It's your fault." he cooed insanely. "You refused my offer. If you had accepted it right away, I wouldn't have to take drastic measures now. No one is allowed to reject me—"

In a moment in which he was still speaking and in which I prayed that he wouldn't pay too much attention on keeping me in place, captivated, I freed myself from him in one swift and jerky movement, stepping back from him.

Sayo let out an angered 'oh', slowly turning around to face me. I didn't take my eyes off him, watching him precisely to know when he was going to move. This was bad. I wasn't able to run away just like that (even though he wasn't holding me back with a tight grip right now). Firstly, the almost darkness caused me problems; I couldn't quite tell whether I would be able to escape without any complications or without hitting against something. Secondly, I shall not forget that I wasn't really sober at the moment. Even if adrenaline was rushing through my body right now, replacing my drunkness a bit, it wasn't enough to get away safely. Sayo could catch up with me any time and drag me to the ground next time. Once I was on the ground, everything was over.

I couldn't tell how I was able to analyze these things and weight how deep in trouble I was, but one thing was clear to me.

In order to escape I had to knock him out first.

Once the man fell to the ground, I had enough time to run away before he was on his feet again and following me.

I just had to... I raised my fist, giving everything to aim to the direction where Sayo probably was... I just had to knock him out!

My fist went flying as I neared him, giving as much force as currently possible to my punch. Right when I thought that there was no doubt that I was going to hit his face, I realized how my fist hit nothing but the air and while I was in that state of confusion, my face was met with a round, balled hand.

The impact was so strong my body was pushed backwards, my back and head hitting the wall behind me hard as it then slid down.

The worst of the worst cases had happened: I was on the floor, unable to react fast enough to get up and defend myself.

I felt how a warm liquid leaked from my nose, my eyelid becoming heavy. It was not before I felt a tug at my jacket that the adrenaline worked inside my body again, making me rip my eyes open and sense the danger, so that I now attempted to fight against the threat.

"D-Don't fucking touch me!" I hissed through gritted teeth, throwing my arms in the air and hitting around with my clenched fists, not knowing whether I was even striking Sayo with my punches.

He was able to catch my wrists fast and hold them firmly in his hands, much to my surprise, and as I was using my last desperate defence, namely twisting and curling and writhing my body to get away from his grip, Sayo decided quickly to sat on my body.

I had to correct myself. Not laying on the floor defenselessly was the worst of the worst but a fat body sitting on me, which made me completely unable to move an inch away.

Now I had not even the slightest chance to rescue myself anymore; being grounded to the floor, my hands pinned down above my head, a heavy weight on top of me—there wasn't any possibility to escape. No chance...

Wait...

There was one left!

I totally forgot that my mouth was free and my voice not gone. There was still that little bit of hope that someone would hear me. I took a deep breath and yelled, "HEL— Mph!"

How on earth did that fucking bastard manage to cover my mouth that fast?!

"Shush, Mr Yeager. It's no use. No one will hear you, so don't even try it." His warm breath was hitting my face as his face bent down to hover over mine. Even with only one hand, his fingers were wrapped tightly enough around my wrists, so that it was sheer impossible for me to get them free. His hard thing was pressing against my stomach, giving me nauseous chills. "No one will hear you, Mr Yeager. Accept it already. I promise you that I will be gentle. How about that? Though, if you keep struggling, it will give you pain. So be a good boy and keep still." The ugly snicker that left his mouth had something creepy, and he was probably grinning like that, too.

Everything was better than being touched by him. It was so disgusting. I had to get free. I had to oppose. I wouldn't give up that easily.

Fight, fight, fight!

My body coiled up again, moving from its place as much as it could as I tried to lift at least my head to give him a hard headnut. But everything was useless. Sayo had me tight in his grasp, not having to use much efforts to keep me down, just sitting there _on me_ and using his hands as support.

My struggles slowed down until they were completely vanished, and my body motionless.

I didn't bother to fight against this anymore.

What should I fight for? It was useless.

I was telling myself lies.

As if I was strong enough to stand up against anything that brought me into problems.

I shouldn't give up? Pathetic...

I had already given up a long time ago. Everything was over.

I had given up my life when I gave up Levi. It was since our break-up that everything went down in my life. From then on, nothing had gone right in my life and pleased me with blissful feelings.

"Oh. So you do understand that you can't do else than to accept your fate. Right, Mr Yeager?" He released his hand from my mouth cautiously. I didn't shout. No one would hear me. Instead I lay there, biting my lips and doing my best to keep my tears in that were threatening to spill out. Sayo's hand wandered down my neck and chest, groping me everywhere before it halted on the buckle of my belt. "No one will hear you beside me. You will cry out beautiful sounds of pleasure only for me. I want to hear you while I'm doing you, Mr Yaeger."

It was useless. Everything was useless.

I didn't want this to happen to me.

Why couldn't this just be a sick nightmare?

Now that I think of it... The last thing before this was my conversation with Levi. Seeing how things had turned out, I wished I was back there, talking to him. I wished he wouldn't have left me alone there. On the other hand, I made him leave. I insulted him, and I pissed him off. But still... Nothing of this would happen if he just didn't go away. I wanted to go back to where I was with him!

Levi, Levi, _Levi!_

******

"Don't fucking touch him, you sick pervert."

Levi!

It was his voice. It was really him. He was here!

My eyes opened in an instant, trying to figure out where exactly Levi was.

"Huh?" Sayo spat, turning his head back, but not much later his obese face collided with something that looked like boots.

Levi kicked him in the face forcefully and with all the power he had, the impact pushing the old man off of me and against the wall. Perhaps it was only my imagination, but I could swear to God that I heard some facial bones cracking.

With wobbling arms and a shuddery breath, I sat up, witnessing everything without having any other choice. I couldn't really see Levi, but I knew that it was him. No one had such a low but also raw voice like him.

"You damn..." This time it was Sayo speaking, groaning in pain as he shifted his body. He was probably trying to get up. "I will break your bones!"

I could see him running towards Levi now, one arm raised. The raven dodged the attack and knuckled Sayo's side with his elbow. The man let out a load painful moan, coughing. Levi didn't retrieve his arm yet, it seemed that he squeezed even harder now. All the while he didn't say a word.

"You fucking..." Sayo said with much efforts, already suffering from the ache. "You will regret having done this to me! Die!"

He rose his fist again and I was deeply worried about Levi because his face wasn't that far away from Sayo. Now was the last possibility to dodge the attack.

But what Levi did was something between dodging and what I hoped he would do.

He catched the man's fist and twisted his arm around to fix it on his back with a firm grip. Sayo cried out again and reacted immediately. It was his foot now that aimed for Levi's leg, but before he could kick him hard, the raven had already did that to Sayo, forcing him to his knees.

It was now that I realized how all these moves weren't something that one would be able to perform without professional education. Don't tell me Levi...?

"This is not the end yet! I will beat the shit out of y— Argh!" Sayo was cut off by Levi's side of his hand that hit his neck quickly, making his body limp and falling down. Levi eventually let go of him.

"I-Is... Is he dead?" I asked in a shaky voice, still struggling with the aftereffects and at the same time fearing that my guess was right.

"No. Just unconscious." Levi answered. I heard rustling noises as if he was searching for something in his jacket. Soon, a light was turned on, switching the direction to where I was sitting. Levi paid attention to not dazzle me with the light, holding the beam on my chest level.

I looked up at him, speechless at first, as he came closer to me. "How comes that you know such moves?" Nothing else came to my mind right now.

He crouched down in front of me. I was able to see him now more or less, at least better than before. His eyes were expressionless, piercing through me. Was he mad at me? "Kenny taught me."

I was utterly puzzled. "Who's Kenny?"

"Does that matter now?!" His voice rose, scolding me and probably also scaring me a bit. I may have asked a question that was out of place, but it was not my fault. I was still confused about everything. Levi eventually noticed that and sighed heavily before taking out a handkerchief. "Your nose is bleeding."

From one second to the other I felt sick. Sick like in really nauseous. Slapping his hand away, I backed up a bit anxiously.

"Hey, I just want to wipe off that blood on your face." He reached for me again.

I shook my head. "It's not tha—" I had barely managed to crawl away from Levi, holding a hand over my mouth all the while before I emptied my stomach next to the wall.

It happened so sudden, but I was glad that it was dark and that I was doing it in was a place where no one would mind me vomiting. I was pretty certain that it wasn't just the alcohol, but also the thought that an old perverted man had attempted to assault me and almost succeeded if it wasn't for Levi who saved me. I had already given up, but luckily Levi was there.

"Eren..." I heard him come closer to me.

"Don't come near me! Don't look at me..." There wasn't anything in my stomach anymore to throw out and at some point the vomiting sounds changed over to dry sobs without tears. I didn't want Levi to look at me while I was like this. I didn't want him to see me having reached my lowest point in life, drowning in my calamity as a total wreck. "Don't look at me, please... It's already enough that I hate myself the most!"

Levi remained in silence, but I felt how he draped his jacket over my trembling shoulders. "Get up." he said softly, and whatever it was it really made me move from my spot and to the place that Levi directed me to. "Sit down on my scarf. Like that you won't freeze your ass off."

I did as told, sitting on the garment and leaning back against the wall as the raven sat down next to me. He wiped off the stains on my face, repositioning his jacket on my shoulder so that it wouldn't hang loosely there, falling off any moment. While he was doing all these things, I didn't say anything and let him do.

He stood up suddenly, taking a few steps, picking something up and went back to where I was, sitting down again. "Here. Drink this." He gave me a water bottle. It confused me where he had that bottle from all of a sudden, but instead of questioning I gladly accepted it, untwining the bottle cap. "It's better if you drink some water now. Your stomach is completely empty now. And you need to get at least a bit sober."

I raised the opening of the bottle to my lips and swallowed down the water greedily. My body felt indeed slightly better with the neutral liquid inside my stomach.

"I will call the ambulance and police." Levi announced, taking out his phone and dialing a number.

As he did so, I drank up the whole bottle. The now empty plastic bottle was shaking in my hand, the trembling getting worse.

Levi's hand rested over mine which made me startle for a short moment. "It's alright, Eren. He won't do anything to you anymore. No one will. You're safe."

I dropped the bottle, gripping Levi's hand with both of my hands hard as if my life depended on it. Again, sobs left my mouth. "H-How... How did you...?" No more words were coming out of my mouth, being stuck in my throat.

But Levi seemed to understand. "When I threw the vodka in a trash can, I looked back at you and saw you there sitting on the ground, almost as if life had already left your body. Remaining there, motionlessly and dead-like, I couldn't endure seeing you like that. And I knew nothing good would come out of a drunk you. Well, of course I don't mean something as gross as this here, but... you know what I mean. Anyway, that's why I decided to search up for the nearest convenience store and buy you a water bottle. If you were going to stay longer outside, you should at least be able to walk straightly. After all, water worked against alcohol to some extent. I don't know how it feels like to be drunk, but I'm pretty sure it's a shitty situation. So when I was out of the store and walked back to you, I noticed midway that you were gone. I ran up to the spot where you used to stay for a while, looking around for you. In a state like you were it was impossible that you had made it far in such a short amount of time. Unfortunately, most of the places around us were darkened and I couldn't see far away. Nevertheless, I wandered around and tried to find you until I finally saw you a bit farther away from me, talking to a man. I was able to spot you because the lights of a passing car shone on you two for a few seconds. Though it irritated me right away why you were talking to a man who was at least 30 years older than you. The suspicion rose in me and I approached you, although I couldn't see you anymore because it was dark around you again. I stopped once again in my tracks when I was at the spot where I saw you earlier with that man and there I heard how someone with an elderly voice called out your surname from the dark alley next to me. I followed the voice and what I came across with raised an alarm inside me. Your body being held down by this fat man and then... Well, you know the rest."

I had listened to him silently, looking at my hands on top of Levi's as I fought with my tears.

The raven cocked his head to the body laying there motionlessly. "Do you know that bastard?"

My hands grabbed the edges of my second jacket and suddenly I felt colder than before. I nodded lightly. "He is a former client of mine. My most recent. I cut the business with him after only two meetings because I noticed how he was gawking at me and developed a liking in me that was more than a client would and should have. He even went that far to give me his private number and touched me whenever it was possible—"

"Wait, he touched you?! Where?"

"Hands, arms, shoulders and back. That's all, but it was enough for me to be disgusted with him. He went furious and yelled when he found out that I wasn't working for him anymore. He didn't want anyone 'to take me away from him'. We used a plausible excuse to explain to him why I wouldn't work for him anymore."

"Who is 'we'?"

"It doesn't matter." I hadn't had the nerve right now to think about Armin and what I did to him... "Anyway, Sayo, that's his name, accepted it and didn't show off at my work place anymore. Well, until today... He had waited for me to leave from work. Due to... reasons... I had stayed at Pixis Corporation until 8 and that man had waited for me at least for 3 more hours, _until_ I was outside! He must have probably observed me from a certain distance before he talked to me. From what he told me, he even saw us speaking. It was a bit after that that he walked up to me. He offered me to comfort me because I didn't seem to feel very well and even if he didn't say it explicitly, I knew very well that he had sexual intentions with his offers. I made it clear to him that I didn't want him around me and even less did I want him to..." I stopped, taking slow, shuddery breaths. "And before I figured everything out he was already dragging me to this alley a-and... I-I was really trying to get away from him, b-but it was useless. He punched me in the face and sat on top of me, I couldn't get away at all. I had t-tried everything, but it was no use..." My hoarse voice was accompanied by tears flowing down my face, making me unable to continue speaking.

Levi ran a hand through my hair. "You don't have to say any more."

"Levi, you don't understand! I had given up. I had really given up! I didn't struggle anymore at some point and technically accepted that I was going to be raped by that man." I wiped off the tears with the back of my hand, squeezing my eyes with my palms. "You don't understand... If you hadn't found me..."

"But I have found you. Now stay silent and wait for the ambulance and police to arrive."

"I want to go home."

Did I say that? Did I really say that just now? But where was my home? I didn't have one anymore...

"Yeah, but—"

An achingful groan caught our attention and when we turned our head to the source of that noise, we found out that it came from Sayo who had regained consciousness and was attempting to get up.

"Levi!" I panicked as I gripped Levi's arm. "Oh my god, he is awake! He is awake. He will try it again."

Levi wrapped an arm around my body in a protective way, looking into my eyes as he said in a calming but also serious voice. "Don't worry. He won't do anything to you. The police is already here. I can hear them. Even if he dares to lay a hand on you again, I will beat the shit out of him."

He was right. Barely half a minute passed when the policemen arrived here, lightening up the whole alley with their torchs. The ambulance was already there, too.

The raven took my hand and helped me up. I was brought to a paramedic who examined my nose while Levi stood beside me and talked to a policeman. He told the police everything, pointing at Sayo who, too, was taken care of by another paramedic.

All of a sudden, I heard him yelling madly. "This is not how it will end, Mr Yeager!"

I freezed in my place, squeezing Levi's hand that was still in mine, shaking once again in fear. Levi protected me by positioning himself in front of me so that Sayo couldn't reach me.

"Next time I will take you without anyone disturbing us, I swear!"

"Well, if that isn't a plea of guilt." said the policeman next to us. "Cuff that man and put him inside the car." he ordered.

"Understood." The clicking sounds of handcuffs were heard.

"Hey! What are you doing there!" Sayo's angry tone didn't lower. "You can't do that to me! Do you even know who I am!"

From the corner of my eye I saw how he was brought to a police car.

The policeman who had cuffed him said, "It doesn't matter who you are or what popularity you have. You are arrested. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. But seems that it's bad for you now. What you said just now was a verbal plea of guilt."

"I won't say anything anymore without my lawyer!"

"Yeah, yeah." And then Sayo was put in the car.

"You have luck, Mr Yaeger." My attention switched back to the paramedic in front of me. She smiled at me. "Your nose is neither broken nor swollen. And the bleeding has stopped, too. That's good. But I've heard you hit your head against the wall...?"

I rubbed the spot on my head. "It's just a little bump. Everything fine."

The paramedic furrowed her brows in concern. "Are you sure? Maybe it's more than that. A concussion or so. Don't you want to stay at the hospital for one day? Just to play it safe."

I shook my head. "It's fine. It doesn't feel that bad."

She crossed her arms, but sighed then. "Okay. But if it gets worse or you have a headache, then please visit a hospital."

"Yes, okay."

"Well then," the first policeman said to me, "I've eavesdropped the whole conversation just now. If you really don't want to go to a hospital, it is even better for us, the police. Mr Yeager was your name, right?"

"Yes."

"We need to ask you some questions about this attempted crime here in which you were the victim."

Was that really necessary now? "I want to go home." I admitted almost inaudibly, subconsciously giving Levi's hand a squeeze. The whole time I didn't let go of his hand, leaving our fingers entwined like that.

"I can understand that very well, Mr Yeager. But the interrogation is inevitable. We need to know from you what exactly had happened. And since the memories are vivid in your mind the most shortly after the happening, it's the best to ask you now. Of course we can do that on another day, but it would be better if you would cooperate with us and get it over with right away. After that, you don't have to think about it anymore. And just for your interest: That man will be arrested until the court of law has decided a prison sentence for him. After what we witnessed just now, there is no doubt that this man is a threat for you, Mr Yaeger."

Even with all his saying... "I-I just want to go home."

"Hey," Levi placed a hand on my shoulder, getting me to face him. Somehow his voice calmed me down. "It's better if you do that now. I will go with you if you want."

Hearing this made me feel a lot safer now. "You will go with me?" Another squeeze of my hand and this time he squeezed back.

The policeman cleared his throat. "Sorry to interrupt you, but of course you will have to go with us, Mr... um..." He glanced down at his notebook. "Mr Ackerman. After all you are the one and only witness of the attempted crime. It seems that you feel better if your boyfriend is by your side now and supports you, Mr Yeager. I can reassure you that you _two_ will have to go with us."

We were in a little silence before I clarified in a neutral tone, "He is not my boyfriend."

The policeman's face didn't show any reaction for a while, looking at us as if he was fooled just now. After a while, he closed his little notebook. "Well... It's not like I understand the young adult generation nowadays. And this here," he pointed at our entwined hand with his pen. "This is yet another proof that I'm too old for these kind of things." He shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you two are... now can you two please follow me to the car?"

The time at the police station was a horror. The two policemen asking me all sorts of things weren't intimidating me, but rather unbearable was how I had to tell them everything. While I had told them what happened, I couldn't prevent the images to revisualize in my mind. It was horrible and the worst was that during my interrogation Levi wasn't allowed to sit next to me. They said there was the possibility that Levi would then manipulate his testimony to my advantage or something like that.

After one and a half hour, which felt like a century to me, I was finally free and could leave the office. I was brought to the floor, my head hanging low, where Levi was sitting the whole time. He stood up and was about to take my hands when the policeman said, "It's your turn now, Mr Ackerman."

Levi lifted up my head by my chin, establishing eye contact with me. "Just wait a bit longer."

My eyes followed him with a sad expression until he was out of my sight, the door separating us. I sat on a chair, my knees pulled up to my chest, my arms wrapped around my legs as I rested my forehead on my knees. I had lost my sense of time and while I was waiting here for Levi to finish, many thoughts rushing through my mind. Each of the thoughts was blurry and only made me more confused and anxious. The light on the floor was too bright and even though my eyes were closed, I could sense the light, shining awfully brightly at me. This was too much. I wanted to leave.

I didn't know how long it took, but I was relieved when the door was opened again and Levi said his goodbye to the policeman.

"My bad, it couldn't get done any faster." was the first thing he said to me.

I remained in my position. "It's not your fault."

"Eren," He placed a hand on my shoulder and it was now that I looked up at him, having to get used to the bright light first, but then I was able to see his concerned eyes watching me. Concern... That was what he felt right now. He cared about me. "Let's go home, Eren."

This was what I needed to hear the most at the moment. At least Levi understood me. I got up and took his hand in mine. He didn't mind, and I threaded our fingers again. We then walked out of the police station, all the while did I not let go of him and even grabbed his sleeve with my other hand, clinging to him.

I wanted him to stay by my side for the while. Also, I hated it being alone. Especially now there was no way that I would endure it to be all alone. I had lost everything.

But I was still desperately trying to hold onto someone that I had already lost, too. I had lost him because I left him. I had left him because he wasn't someone who belonged to me in the first place.

~~~

I entered Levi's (and my old) apartment first, Levi following me after.

"I want to take a shower." I said plainly. I had to get rid of everything that Sayo left on me. Even if he didn't rape me, I needed to wash his scent off me.

"Do that. I will wait in the living room. There are still some clothes that you've left here. Take them."

I nodded and forwarded to the bathroom.

When I was back in the living room with the scent of shampoo all over my body and new clothes, I was met with a standing Levi, looking at me as he held a cup. "I've made you some tea. This one has a relaxing effect."

I took the cup of tea in my hands, holding it with really shaky hands, raising it to my lips. I tried to take a sip, but somehow my hands stopped moving midway, the cup shaking heavily in my grasp. Levi noticed that and held the cup right before it slipped from my hands and dropped to the floor. He placed the cup on the coffee table.

"Sit down." he said softly and lead me to the couch. My body felt heavy, as if it was carrying a heavy burden that wasn't mine, and that didn't change when I sat on the couch.

Levi was next to me, running a hand through my hair for a second time. Our eyes met, but at some point my vision became blurry and before I was noticing it to the fullest, tears were already streaming down my face as strangled sobs left my mouth.

Levi's hand stilled in my hair and instead it moved my head to him until my head was resting on his shoulder. I hugged him weakly as the tears and sobs came in a flow now; uncontrollably and without any restraints.

"Levi..." I cried out, more sobs followed.

I wasn't crying because of what had almost happened to me today. Not only. I was crying because of everything.

The past few weeks were so exhausting. I was tired. I was tired of everything.

I couldn't endure it anymore. I couldn't cope with it anymore, and I didn't want to. I was sick of everything. My life was exhausing me.

Levi was also one of the reasons.

Because...

I couldn't live with him nor without him.

It hurt me staying by his side permanently because he didn't love me back. And it hurt me not staying by his side because I loved him so much. Either way, he was hurting me.

I didn't know what to do anymore.

I was at my limit.

No more. I couldn't take any more...

I needed to rest. I wanted to sleep and never wake up again. I didn't want to live this kind of life anymore. I wanted to live in a dreamworld where I could be happy with Levi. I needed nothing else than that.

"I'm sorry, Eren." Levi whispered. "I'm sorry that I can't love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author: *sobs* What have I done? What have I done to Eren? What have I done to Eren and Armin's friendship omg?!
> 
> I'm honest here, I cried for real (!!) when I was writing that part at the end where Eren had his emotional breakdown.
> 
> It would mean a lot to me to know what you think about this chapter. Please write it in the comments! ^^


	24. Special - Jean and Armin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Okay, wow. I have learned my lesson now. I will never ever update around midnight again, especially not after a rushed proofreading! OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE WERE SO MANY ERRORS AND MISTAKES IN THE LAST CHAPTER, IT MADE ME DIE FROM EMBARRASSMENT THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU ALL READ MY DUMB MISTAKES!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'M NOT A NIGHT PERSON, I'M A MORNING PERSON! The mistakes are fixed now btw)
> 
> Okay, I will calm down...
> 
> I call this a special and not a side-chapter because it isn't about the main ship Levi/Eren.
> 
> Seriously this little Jearmin part is my therapy because SnK chapter 82 fucked me up so badly. My poor baby coconut ;-;
> 
> Don't blame me for writing this. BLAME MY JEARMIN HEART FOR IT! *runs away*

"Hey, Armin. Are you already back from work? I'm home." Jean said, taking off his jacket and shoes. He was in a pretty good mood, although normally he was grumpy for a while after coming home from work. After all, work was the part of the day be disliked the most because Armin wasn't by his side. Even more did he like to spent as much time with him for the rest of he day as he could. "Let's go to the cinema. There's a pretty cool movie that was released today. How 'bout that?"

"J-Jean..."

The two-toned guy froze in his spot in an instant. What he heard just now triggered off many feelings raging inside his mind; two of them were anger and concern, battling over dominance. Armin's voice had sounded broken and cracky in Jean's ears and this was enough for him to start thinking of 100 ways on how to kill the man who made his beloved husband cry.

Jean turned to the side, meeting with a fragile looking Armin who had his favourite blanket (a red one) wrapped around his whole body as he stood there with trembling shoulder, and red and swollen eyes. Sniffs and light sobs filled the room while Jean still couldn't break off of his stiffness, staring at Armin with widened eyes and parted lips.

"Jean..."

Jean was finally able to speak and move again. "Armin? Oh my god, Armin. What happened? Who did this to you?"

He couldn't explain it to himself why he wasn't walking to the blond yet, holding him in his arms tightly and not letting go of him that fast for the while. It was as if he was waiting for a sign that he could move and when Armin extended his arms, asking for a hug which he needed desperately right now, Jean didn't hesitate – not even a millisecond – sprinting towards his blond husband and giving him what he asked for.

Armin was crying on Jean's shoulders now, hugging him as if there was nothing else that was as important as that right now, his fingers digging into the two-toned male's shirt.

"Armin..." Jean said in a soothing voice, stroking Armin's hair softly as he pressed his head against the blond's crook of his neck, worry featuring his expression. Right now, it was concern that took over him and the anger of that person was tamed, even without Jean having to strain himself to hold his anger back.

Armin cried and didn't say a word whereas Jean now pick up his husband and carried him bridal style to the couch in the living room. When both of them were sitting down, Jean hugged the blond once again, rocking him gently as he said, "I'm here now. You aren't alone anymore. I'm here for you." It would have been even better for Jean if Armin had called him before and told him that something had happened so that Jean would have left work earlier to comfort his husband, but at the same time he knew that he wouldn't gain anything from making reproaches at the crying boy. To be honest, Jean felt bad that Armin had been feeling upset for a while now (maybe it was some hours) without Jean knowing or noticing that, but therefore he didn't want to make anything wrong now. Even if Armin had been crying alone until Jean came home, the two-toned man somehow felt guilty and responsible for it. After all, he been finding it suspicious why Armin had left today in the morning that early, but he didn't take into consideration that there could something as upsetting that it turned Armin down.

"Why are you crying? What happened, Armin?" Jean whispered into Armin's ear, kissing it then. His fingers were fizzled in the blond's hair again.

Armin's sobs lessened and he gulped hard a few times to gain his voice and speak more or less properly. "E-Eren..."

Jean's body tensed up the second Eren's name left Armin's lips, and from one moment to the other Jean's concern was replaced by wrath. It wasn't any random person, no, it was Eren who made Armin cry. It wasn't as if Jean trusted him much in the first place, but he wouldn't have thought that the brunet would bring it that far to make his husband cry, not when Eren knew how Jean would react to that. Also, Eren was Armin's best friend.

The two-toned male squeezed Armin's shoulder loudly as he breathed through his nose loudly, a deep frown formkng on his face. "Eren..." he growled in hatred through gritted teeth, barely being able to control his anger.

"Eren and I h-had a fight." While Armin admitted that with mich efforts, Jean had already stood up and walked to the door, his hands balled into fists as the anger rose inside him. It was unbelievable how much anger he felt at the moment and his mind was thinking of only one thing.

_100 ways on how to kill a man!_

He was almost at the front door when Armin yelled with his weak voice at him from the living. "W-Wait, Jean. Jean!"

It was only because of that desperate broken voice that made Jean stop in his tracks, contemplating first whether to turn around or not. Once he had faced Armin again, he can't do else than to say.

But on the other hand, he had Eren to deal with, giving him a handful of fists for making Armin cry.

"Jean..."

Oh my god, nothing made the two-toned man as weak as Armin's voice who was practically begging him to look at the blond.

Jean's fists were shaking in indecisiveness, but once a deep sigh was released from his mouth, it became clear that the male decided for the generally speaking right thing, but he himself would have rather chosen the other.

He turned around slowly, his eyes meeting the blond's bright blue orbs, which were dulled right now. Armin hadn't moved from his spot on the couch and he also didn't need to say more words because his expression was speaking for itself, and Jean figured that out.

_'Do you really want to take care of something that is second place right now? Do you really want to leave, even though you see that a specific someone is crying and needs comfort? Do you?'_

This was what Jean could read from his husband's face and now he felt even more torn than before.

'What am I doing here?', Jean thought, 'Armin needs me.'

All of a sudden, the indecisiveness was vanished and Jean approached the crying blond with quick steps, scolding himself inwardly for having even considered to leave Armin alone for a while when he knew very well how much he needed his husband now.

"Of course I will stay here by your side, Armin." Jean spoke as soon as he was sat beside Armin again, kissing bis forehead twice before he embraced him tightly.

Armin hugged back, nuzzling his head into the crook of Jean's neck as he sobbed now and then.

"What even happened between you two? What did Eren wrong?" Jean eventually asked.

Armin was quiet for quite a while, only holding onto the male's shirt firmly. "It's not his fault entirely. I made a mistake, too. But Eren said mean things to me, although he knew that his accusations were wrong and invalid. I'm mad at him because he told me that I wouldn't help, having only good intentions in mind. And..." Armin was close to tearing up again. "A-And he called me the worst best friend."

Jean was literally only a few more cries away from changing his mind and going to punch Eren for saying those things to Armin, but the good husband he wanted to be for the blond he stayed and listened and comforted. He ran one hand up and down over Armin's hair as he tried to easen him with his soft words that hopefully weren't the wrong chosen ones. There was so much anger about Eren in Jean right now, he could barely utter something encouraging. "It's alright. Don't think about him for a while. Eren is stupid and stubborn."

"I want to be a good best friend! He hates me now because for the first time I supported him the totally wrong way!"

"You wanted to help him. If he hates you for something that you came up with but he doesn't agree with, then you might as well can help him not at all. That idiot can't rely on you completely. What are you? His butler?!"

Armin's tears and sobs had stilled now, the living room dived in a complete silence for a moment before Jean spoke up again. "Anyway, what else did he accused you of?" If Jean were to find out that Eren had insulted Armin without any reason, he would make sure to repay the amount of insults—but with punches.

The blond moved his head up, looking deep into Jean's eye. With a much steadier voice he then said, "You do know that I don't love you for the money, don't you?"

'Eren, that dumb bastard...', Jean told himself in his mind, averting his eyes as he narrowed them.

"Of course I do know that." Jean answered with a much nicer voice than it had been sounding in his head a few seconds before, at the same time wiping the almost dried tears off his blond husband's face. "Just you wait. Once Eren comes back I will show him what it means to treat you like that."

Armin shook his head. "He won't come to our place soon. Not today, not tomorrow and perhaps not even after a week."

Jean furrowed his brows in slight confusion. "Why do you think that?"

"Trust me. He will stay away for a while."

"Then... What are you going to do?"

The blond pouted to the question, readjusing his blanket. "I won't forgive him that easily." he replied in a determined tone.

Hearing this made the two-toned male fist the air, liking what Armin said just now and celebrating it inwardly victoriously.

This didn't go unseen by the blond. "Don't triumph because of that. It's a serious matter."

"I-I did not... Well..." Jean scratched the back of his hair, pretending that he didn't do anything at all. "Let's leave all this behind for now. I say that we really should watch that new movie."

Armin didn't favor that idea, sulking again. "I'm not in the mood right now to go to the cinema."

"Who said that we are going to the cinema?" was the only thing Jean revealed before he stood up and headed for the kitchen. Armin – who had been leaning against Jean – plumbed into the couch now and he remained in that laying position indifferently, not bothering to sit up as he waited for his husband to come back.

When Armin sighted Jean again he also spotted the many diverse thing that the taller male carried along. He placed them on the coffee table. It was Coke, chips, sweets and other snacks, and after that Jean took the laptop and started searching up for something.

"We are going to stream that movie on the internet." Jean uttered bluntly, not minding at all that what he was suggesting was technically speaking not allowed.

Armin's head jerked up immediately, glaring at his husband before he eventually sat up and looked over Jean's shoulder. "Jean, that's illegal."

The other male only groaned lowly and even if he didn't see it, Armin was sure that Jean was rolling his eyes at this very moment. He shrugged his shoulders. "We are not the first and not the last persons who are doing that. It's alright."

The blond wasn't convinced by that at all. "But still—"

"I claim that in this case we are even allowed to do that." Jean interrupted, turning his face to grin widely at Armin. "After all, this is an emergency."

Now Armin felt flattered, sending how a light blush was forming on his cheeks. Jean did this because he wanted to lighten up Armin's mood, no matter what it takes. If Jean thought that a movie can help now, then he would insist on watching that movie, even if it was an illegal stream from the internet.

Armin smiled back cutely. "I love you, Jean."

He loved him. He loved him now and he will still love him in the future.

It was incredible how mich their relationship had changed, starting from high school. But no matter how different the last used to be, Armin was glad to have Jean. Jean wasn't an annoying jerk who liked to start fights with others, he had those few people he cared about a lot and those few had the luck to get to know a loving and gentle Jean.

Not an asshole (only towards Eren) but a man with feelings.

"I love you too, Armin." Jean retorted, and kissed his husband fondly.

Both of them snuggled into each other, sharing Armin's favourite blanket, as they watched the movie; after that, staying awake long after the sun had set, talking to each other and forgetting the world around them for a while.

It may be that Eren and Armin's relationship was instable at the moment, but Armin was glad that his relationship to Jean was more than intact.

Deep in his mind he wished that for Eren and Levi, too; but now was not the time to think about that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goooooood! *slams fist on table repeatedly* I want to write the Jearmin background story so badly!! But I can’t do that yet because I know that the Jearmin part is going to be around 20k words long AND I CAN'T INVEST MY TIME IN THAT… AT LEAST NOT YET!
> 
> This fanfiction is at its peak at the moment and I don’t want to destroy the tension by taking too long for the upadtes.
> 
> My babies Jean and Armin have to wait a bit longer ;-;
> 
> So as for now I can’t do more than to provide you with a few Jearmin trivias:
> 
> -Armin and Jean married after being in a relationship for two years.
> 
> -They became a couple right after they graduated from university.
> 
> -Though, they had sexual intercourses several times before. Their first time having sex with each other was when Jean was 18 and Armin 17. In fact, Jean was Armin’s first time.
> 
> -Jean holds onto his conviction that Armin can make straight men gay because of his cuteness so that (for Jean) practically everyone is possible to fall for the little blond. That’s one of the reasons for Jean’s big jealousy. (this will be mentioned in a chapter later on)
> 
> -Jean may be rich, but be doesn't really show that.
> 
> -Armin thinks it's cute how much Jean tries to protect him, but he dislikes it that his best friend (Eren) and his husband (Jean) are still the worst enemies ever—even after all those years! (there is going to be a chapter about this)
> 
> (I hope you all didn't mind the sudden switch from first person to third person. It was necessary.)
> 
> Oh, and next chapter is going to have another warning!


	25. Levi's Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! The chapter that probably everyone has waited for!
> 
> WARNING: MENTIONS OF PAST DOMESTIC/CHILD ABUSE!!!
> 
> IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS, THEN I SADLY HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP READING THIS FANFICTION! After all, the reason for Levi’s inability to love lies in his past. One can’t skip that part, that’s why this time there aren't any asterisks. If you can't read that abuse part (please don’t force yourself to read it!) then you won't understand why Levi is the way he is! Even if it is only mentioned, this chapter here contains a lot of angst.
> 
> So I had actually planned to keep the mention of Levi’s past short in this chapter, but it turned out to be longer than I wanted it to be. It’s not like the first time that a chapter doesn't stick to my original plan, but whatever, haha. So one part of his past is told in very detail and the other part is kept as short as possible because I’m going to write about it in detail in a side-chapter (which is going to be published after other more important chapters that are coming next)

**Eren’s** **POV**

 _‘The only thing you have to do is to spread your legs for_ _me.’_

 _‘Please don’t give up on_ _Levi.’_

 _‘Everything is your_ _fault.’_

_‘No one is allowed to take you away from me!’_

_‘I will be_ _gentle.’_

 _‘Don’t fight against it. Or else it will_ _hurt.’_

_‘This is not the end yet!’_

_‘Next time I will do you without anyone_ _disturbing_ _!’_

 _‘You belong to me, Mr_ _Yeager.’_

 _‘Let me take care of your_ _body.’_

 _‘It’s so beautiful to see your crying face while I’m doing this, Mr_ _Yeager.’_

 _‘No one will hear_ _you.’_

 _‘No one will rescue_ _you.’_

 _‘It’s only the two of_ _us_ _, Mr_ _Yeager.’_

“STOP!” I heard myself scream as my upper body shot up. I was breathing heavily and anxiously as cold sweat dripped down my face, my eyes opened widely and my heart racing at a very fast pace, pumping the blood through my body in an irregular pattern.

“Hey.” Someone said in a calm voice to which I startled in fright, turning to the side from which the voice had come from as I moved away from it a bit on my bed.

Even after finding out that it was Levi who had called after me, I was still in panic; disorientated and feared to death.

“S-Sayo… Sayo was here.” I whispered inaudibly, tears threatening to spill out.

“No, he wasn't. Eren, it was just a nightmare.” He sat on the edge of my bed, longing for me with one extended arm. “I won’t hurt you.”

That sentence. It made me cry for real.

I slapped his hand away and wrapped my own arms around his neck instead, holding onto him tightly as I breathed unevenly. “J-Just… Just a nightmare?”

“Yes. Only a nightmare. You don't have to be scared. That Sayo guy won’t try things on you anymore.” Levi’s voice was sooth and reassuring, his hand running down my hair had an additional relaxing effect.

I hugged him even tighter, burying my head in the crook of his neck. “Where am I?”

“In your room.” he replied softly.

My room? My old room? I can vaguely remember that I went home to my old apartment together with Levi. Was this really the place I belonged to? I didn't want to stay here, did I? But I guess I couldn't leave this place either. At least not yet.

“Levi…” I let go of him, not meeting his eyes though.

All of a sudden, the raven lay me back onto the mattress, moving some strands from my forehead as he whispered lowly. “Rest a bit more. I’m going to make you something to eat.”

“But I don’t wanna.” I said poutingly as Levi covered me with a blanket.

“No buts.” And with that he left the room.

I sighed lowly as I turned my body to lay on my side, pulling my blanket up to my nose, and closing my eyes to review my current situation.

I really went back to Levi, huh? Levi who…

… _hurt me the most?_

… _I fell in love with?_

But it wasn't like I went back to him to become his fuck buddy again.

I just needed someone by my side for the time being. I couldn't stay alone at the moment—not after what had happened last night.

What was I going to do now? 

Levi was only nice because I became a victim of an attempted rape. He won't care that much about me forever. I did know that, and I had to deal with it.

 _‘Don’t give up on_ _Levi.’_

No! This was not the right time to think of this! How could Armin dare say something like that in the first place?!

I pressed my eyes shut as a deep knit formed on my brows. My body curled up and I placed my hands over my stomach, even though it didn't ache there.

I had already given up! He knew that very well! I had given up and wanted to forget about everything that had something to do with Levi!

I had already…

Fuck.

I had already given up. But part of me hadn’t given up yet. That part of me didn't want to forget until it had every explanation they needed. No half-ass break-ups, no half-ass explanations. I needed to know everything. Not only that I needed to, I also wanted to know everything.

 _‘Eren, you have to find out why Levi is the way he_ _is.’_

Was I really going to do what Armin told me to do? If yes, then he was right all along.

Whatever floated through my mind now, one thing was for sure: I was here, together with Levi. And I didn't plan to leave without having answers. No matter how much it would harm me.

Thinking of all these things distracted me that much that I didn't notice how the door was opened and Levi entered. It was not before he asked me something that I had finally acknowledged his presence.

“Are you still awake?” A monotonous tone with a touch of concern.

“No.” Nonchalant and rude.

“I made you some soup. You should eat it. Your body needs that.” I felt a weight sitting down on the edge of my bed. He wouldn't let me like that until I had something in my stomach, huh?

Since I had no other chance, I sat up slowly, looking at my hands resting on the blanket.

“Eat.” he told me as he handed me a bowl of soup. The liquid was warm and smelled good. Even if I didn't have any appetite, I was hungry as hell. But insecurity overcame me when I had to think of how I would eat now. I was pretty sure that my hands were going to shake heavily with the spoon in my hand and since it was out of question for me to get fed by Levi, I opted for something else.

Instead, I raised the bowl to my lips and drank up. The soup was really delicious, though I wouldn't admit that out loud, but on the other hand Levi could most certainly already tell from my greedy gulps and the fact that I emptied the bowl in less than 5 minutes.

In that short moment, I was able to forget the situation I was in. It was complicated and I didn't know how to deal with it.

“T-Thank you for the meal.” Not even this felt awkward to me at this very moment.

Levi placed the bowl ontop of my nightstand before he held a cup of tea in front of me. “It will do you good.” he stated plainly.

This reminded me of yesterday when he had offered me a cup of tea, too. My hands.

As if Levi understood, he brought the cup to my lips himself as his other hand gripped the back of my head softly, tilting it back. I hadn't realized everything right away, but luckily I had already gone that far to open my mouth to let the tea inside my mouth that was already going down my throat now. The tea was hotter than the soup had been, but it was bearable to swallow.

The bad thing was how two things came to my mind while Levi was giving me that drink. First, that dream where I went back to being his fuck buddy again and he treated me with a glass of wine, having done the exact same with me as he was doing right now. Second, the unpleasant thought that I was dependant on him. I couldn't drink on my own and needed his help instead. I was depending on him, despite of the fact that this was the worst for me!

The second thing bothered me that much that I moved my head away from the cup now, turning to the side as part of the liquid spilled onto the blanket.

This wasn't the kind of taking care of someone that I wished for. Not when the one taking care of me was someone who wasn't normally like that. I was playing with fire.

“What is it?” Levi sounded honestly concerned. I didn't know what to think of this. I didn't know how long this side of Levi would last. I had to admit, it meant a lot to me when I saw how much Levi cared about me yesterday. He alredy began worrying about me when he saw me drunk on the streets. But who knew what was really going on in his mind. What if he was just pitying me really much?

“That’s enough.” I replied to his prior question, still not meeting eyes with him.

The raven set down the cup and shifted his eyes to me after that. “How do you feel right now?”

This question was a hard one. I couldn't quite tell how I was feeling. Pretending and claiming that I was feeling better than I actually was, wouldn't bring me anywhere. On the other hand, I was pretty sure that I would have felt more of a wreck if it hadn't been for Levi who took care of me. Because right now he was seriously concerned about me, and thus he wouldn't dare make any inappropriate or manipulative moves on me.

I wanted it to stay like that. “I-I’m just glad that I don't have to see him anymore. I hope he will rot in jail.” My voice seemed to croak deep in my throat, coming out weaker than wanted.

I wanted Levi to be exactly like that… caring, gentle, honest… but when did something ever turn out the way I wanted it to be…

Nothing. I had nothing, and this wouldn't change.

“Also…” My mouth had opened without me processing fast enough. In fact, I surprised myself with the words that left my mouth next. “I’m glad that you rescued me.”

Levi remained silent for a while, averting his eyes before he answered. “You would be grateful to anyone who has saved you. It doesn't matter whether it is me or someone else. As long as they save you.”

This was not what I had expected to hear from him, which made me insecure now. I didn't know where our conversation was heading to, but at the same time I didn't want to end everything here and now.

This was my only chance!

“You are probably right…” I admitted sheepishly, not enough confidence accompanying my voice. That thought changed in a matter of seconds in which I clenched the blanket and exclaimed in a slightly risen voice and with more sincerity now, “That’s wrong! What you are saying is wrong!”

“What?” Levi questioned in a confused voice.

How should I go on now? I had to explain it somehow. Taking a deep breath, I then spoke out the thing that came to my mind first. And unlike every other time, this thought seemed to be a good one. “I was really glad that you saved me because… in those few seconds before you appeared I had thought about you. About you… and me…  and the fact that we had talked barely minutes before. In that very moment, all I wished for was to be back at talking to you.”

“Regarding what has happened to you after that… Of course it would’ve been better if we hadn't ended our conversation…”

“I know that already. It was because you couldn't stand me being all drunk and you were probably annoyed of my insults.”

“It wasn't because of your insults in particular but…” Once again Levi took his time to speak, this time threading his fingers. “You hate me for who I am, huh?”

It was at this very moment that I figured out unexpectedly how I had to use the one and only chance that was granted me. What Levi had said just now was like a code to me. If I wanted him to reveal his true self and the story behind it, I had to approach him mentally—being highly cautious while doing so. I didn't know much about psychology and neither did I know shits about therapeutical methods that helped me out, but by now I knew very well that Levi could get irritated very fast when sensitive topics were picked up, hence this lead to the conclusion that if I made one false step on gaining his full trust, everything was over. One false move and Levi will go back to his usual distant behaviour.

“Tell me everything about you.” I demanded sternly, not realizing right away what I had said just now...

No! Oh my fucking god, no! I fucked up big time right away! Shit, why did I say this out loud?! It was just where I wanted to go with my plan, but that didn't mean I had to say this in particular that to him!

I was already hearing a faint ‘tch’ leaving his lips. At this point, I realized that I hadn't any opportunity to fix my mistake anymore and so I had no other choice than to accept that Levi was going to drop this matter in a matter of few seconds, leaving the room then with a scowl on his face, probably wondering once again how much of a brat I was capable of behaving like.

But even after one minute had passed, nothing of what I had expected occured. Levi didn't freak out. He didn't stand up and he didn't leave the room either. Instead, I got an answer of him. “Give me one reason why I should tell you.” he said in a serious tone.

I regarded his face first, only spotting a stoic expression, before I lowered my eyes to my hands. I still had to take some time to fully comprehend that Levi really didn't snap at my statement, not forgetting what I had wanted him to tell me. And now that the first big step was made, which had contained a big amount of risk, confidence filled my mind, encouraging me. “Because I love you.” I retorted with as much honesty in my voice as possible.

The raven scoffed. “Tch. Love. Such a bullshit. I don’t need anyone’s love. Love is never real or infinite.”

He was revealing more than I had expected of him to say if we weren’t in this kind of situation. “What do you mean, Levi?” I questioned cautiously, edging a tiny bit closer to him.

"I won’t tell. Why should I? I told myself to never ever trust anyone too much again.”

Even if he stated all these things, his voice revealed something else that wasn't in keeping with what he was saying to me. To be honest, I was pretty much certain that Levi did want to tell me about himself, but something I couldn't quite define was hindering him to do so. Something that had enough power to affect him and convince him that it wasn't worth telling—or rather, it was wrong telling, for whatever reason.

Maybe I should give it another try. “If you open up to me, I will take back what I said to you yesterday.” Not the best thing I came up with, but better anything than nothing. Again, this had some risk.

Levi scowled at me. “Tch, what the fuck is this? Blackmailing?”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out what to do next. It wasn't like Levi didn't want to open up; he couldn't. Perhaps he desperately waited for me to convince him to speak about his past. In other words, Levi needed proof that he could trust me before he would dare tell something about him. He needed that proof because people had hurt him and his faith in others. Of course, I could only assume that, but something inside me told me that I was close to being right.

So I shifted in my bed completely now until I was sitting next to him. Right at this moment, Armin’s words passed my mind.

_‘Your stubborness would bring you somewhere that was worth to fight for.’_

I was the only one who could bring Levi to open up? Well then…

Even if I hated my life the most at the moment, my life wasn't the center or attention right now. Right now, it was only Levi’s life that was of relevance.

“Levi…” I said in a soothing voice, placing one hand on his shoulder as I looked in his eyes from the side because he would still refuse to turn around to face me properly. “Levi, we know each other for almost 10 months now. It may be that we moved together and started our fuck buddy thing only six months ago, but… In those 6 months, did I ever seem untrustworthy to you?” There was a slight frown forming on his face, though it wasn't because I was lying. I was telling the truth. “Did I ever lie to you? Did I ever think of you as a low human being who was reduced to having sex with others only? No. No, not once did I think of you like that. No matter how you treated me, I never betrayed you in any way. Because Levi…” My hand wandered down to his hand, intertwining our fingers and squeezing our palms together. I wanted him to have faith in me. “I care.”

This time his whole body startled barely visible, his expression saddening.

I went on. “I care because I want to understand you. I care because I love you, Levi.”

It was unbelievable, even to me, how many times I had changed my mind between continuing to love him and starting to forget about him and vice versa in these past few weeks. I didn't know whether I would change my mind again in the future, but as for now it seemed that I wouldn't.

“Why… Why should I believe you?” he asked in a low tone, still not meeting eyes with me.

His doubts were justified, I guess. If, just as he had stated just now, his trust was misused in the past at least once, then he had all reason not to make that mistake again, if he was sure that next time it would be the same. But it wasn't the same this time. How should I make it clear to him?

And then, all of a sudden, the key came to my mind.

I held the metal in my hands for a while, contemplating whether it was the right choice to do that or not. In the end, I had to do this because I had no other choice. So I took off the golden key and placed it in Levi’s palm. “The key you gave me means a lot to me. I’m sure that it has a meaning.” Levi didn't respond to this, but the fact that he didn't was evidence enough that it indeed held a special meaning. “Whatever the story of that key is, I’m entrusting it to you now. If you think that I was lying to you, that I wasn't worth to be trusted, that I don’t care about you and your feelings then… Then feel free to throw the key away. In front of my eyes. You can break it or whatever. I know that I won't bear seeing you doing that, but that is exactly why I’m doing this here right now. Because I know myself the best. I know that I was honest the whole time just now, and all I hope for is that you will trust me.” I let his fingers wrap around the key and rested my hands on his now closed fist, holding it protectively. I wanted to give him the same feeling that I had when he took care of me yesterday. Even if it was only for once that he did that to me, I was glad that I was able to see another side of him.

Oh god, I could already sense the tears accumulating in my eyes.

“Kuchel,” he began all of a sudden.

“What?” What he was saying there confused me, since I was still fighting with my tears, lost in my own thoughts.

“Shut up and listen.” He put emphasis on each and every word, giving off the impression that it took him everything to continue talking about the thing that he was going to tell me in a few seconds. From now on, I’d let him speak without interrupting.

“Kuchel… was my mother. The woman who gave birth to me. From what I got to know later when I was older was that Kuchel was a prostitute before she got pregnant with me. In other words, my father is one of her filthy customers. Because of her pregnancy she couldn't work as a whore anymore and from what it was told to me by my uncle, the dude she worked for kicked her out and after that she was practically homeless. The only person she had left was her brother Kenny, my uncle, who even offered her to help. At first she accepted, but right after my birth she left his home and sought shelter without the help of her own brother. I can’t explain why she did that, but because of the things that the two of us had to experience I wished that she would have stayed at Kenny’s house.” Levi made a little pause, biting his lips in… discomfort, I would say. I couldn't do else than to express pity, stroking his right arm. He stopped me midway, holding the back of my hand fiercely.

It was not before the raven felt like continuing that he really did so. “I remember everything clearly starting from the age of 3. And I remember everything really really clearly. Those thoughts will always stay in my mind. Each and every detail. You won’t be spared from them either. It’s your fault for wanting to know, so don’t complain later. My mother and I were living with some guy who was aggressive most of the time. Also, other men visited the house, too, and went with her to a room and then they left leaving some money, though most of it was taken by Kuchel’s lover. Later, when I was older and thought back to it, I figured out that she had been whoring again. But the worst was how all of these men, including her own guy, treated her. Sometimes I witnessed how they beat her in front of my eyes. Those guys scared me to death and it hurt seeing my own mom getting beaten up. Afterwards, Kuchel would tell me that it was alright, trying to stop me from my crying because I always cried a lot when I saw her like that. You have to know… We lived in slums under very poor conditions and that shithead of lover didn't give Kuchel much money, even though she sold her body for all those disgusting and worthless piece of shits.”

What he was telling me there was a really tough life he used to live together with his mom. Now that I knew, I can fully understand why he didn't really like to talk about it. But of course I couldn't know now yet how much worse Levi’s life actually used to be.

“When the guy had taken out his aggressiveness on Kuchel, he would always go outside for a while. That was a time I was glad for, even though I knew that it wouldn't last long. During that time I tried to treat the wounds of my mother and take care of her as much as I was capable of. It was just devastating seeing the blood and bruises on her body, which made me cry, too. Kuchel would always say that it was half as bad as it looked like and that she is alright, but I never believed her words. It was obvious that she was in pain. Each passing day that she and I had to endure were worse than the day before. I couldn't watch anymore how that man hit her and how my mother was defenseless against him, and I was, too. I was barely 4 years old. But no matter how young I was, it didn't change my mind that I had to do something against that. So that was why one day when the fucking bastard threw her to the floor, like he usually would, and was about to stomp on her, it was me who attempted to prevent that by protecting her body with my own one. While I did so, I cried out and begged for him to stop hurting my mom. Kuchel panicked as soon as I was shielding her, telling me to go off her right immediately. I ignored her words and continued clinging onto her, but I understood why she was so anxious about me as soon as I felt the hard sole of the guy’s shoe hitting against my back. It was then that I figured out how that man didn't hesitate to hurt anyone who got in his way. Kuchel screamed when she witnessed how I got stomped by him, pleading him to stop doing that. Not even seconds later, I felt how someone tugged at my arm and then my body was thrown across the room with much force. I was a bit dazed, but I was able to see how mom had tried to hinder the man to come closer to me. I heard her crying loudly and begging desperately, but the guy held her back and approached me with a madface. I couldn't move from my spot as he spat at me, yelling about how I could dare get in his way and annoy him. He then grabbed me by my collar, pulling me up, my legs dangling in the air, and I was looking into insane eyes that were full of wrath. I wanted to call after my mother because I was frightened by him and his glare, but before I could even think of opening my mouth, my face was already met with a fist. I fell to the floor, the ache caused by the impact spreading in my face like a wildfire. It was the first time that I got punched in the face and I would always remember how that hit had hurt like hell. I heard Kuchel shouting ‘No!’ very loudly and after that she hugged me tightly, probably protecting me because actually both of us expected him to strike again. Instead of another punch, we made out steps that were distancing from us and he yelled at my mother something along the lines ‘Show that asshole some manners!’ and the… the c-word. I could feel clearly how much Kuchel was shaking in the embrace while she scried and apologized to me over and over again. All I did was to tell her that my face hurt and then she apologized to me again. I think that punch traumatized me for a while because I don't remember that I had been crying at that time.”

Seriously, getting to hear all these things caused a lump to form in my throat. It was only now that I understood fully why Levi had cared about my injured cheek back then and who he meant by ‘them’. Levi couldn't see how someone like me got hurt by him, even though I didn't deserve it. He might not know or hadn't realized yet how much he hurt me emotionally, but he knew very well that he hurt me physically by accident once, and he regretted that right away. This could only mean that, by all means, he didn’t want to count himself as an abuser, especially not when he used to know one. There was no doubt that he wasn't one of them. I hugged his arm now, still staying silent because I hadn't the strength to say something now.

“It was on the same day at night that my mom woke me up and told me that we would leave this place. She didn't even let me time to wake up fully and instead carried me outside, being as silent as possible to not wake up the shithead. After that, she ran and and ran; far away from that place, but we were still in the slums. Though, it became clear very fast that there was actually nowhere to go. We were homeless, literally. It was in the middle of the night and it was cold, but we had no warm place to stay at. Instead, Kuchel brought us to some place on the streets that was a bit hidden from the main street, setting me down there as she told me that we would have to spend the night outside. I didn't really complain because I though that every place was better than living in the same rooftop as that fucking abuser. We were able to find some cupboards to sit on and cover ourselves with, but that was all. My small body wasn't used to extreme temperatures at all, and mom noticed that, so she wrapped her jacket over my freezing body, herself getting cold. But she told me that she was fine and that it was more important to keep me warm and before I could say something against that, I had already fallen asleep. The next day we had searched for a place to stay at. Unfortunately, Kuchel wasn’t able to take some money with her, meaning that we had literally nothing with us that could help us out. In the end, we lived on the streets for a few days before we got some shelter. I had to admit, in those days as homeless people I had some pleasant times with my mother, but they were of short amount of time, but nevertheless I still haven't forgotten about them. Because it was only me and my mom, and no violent person with us. At some days, she had sung a lullaby and that was what I had liked the most. I loved listening to her voice, it made me feel a lot better. However, a few days later some man offered us to live with him. He acted friendly and kind to my mother, but to me he seemed shady—too shady. Perhaps Kuchel noticed that, too, but she didn't express her doubts towards him. So from then on we lived together with him. Even after some months that guy didn't do anything bad to us, it went that far that he confessed to my mother, which I found strange. I had never heard before how someone told her that and neither did I really trust him at first, but later I guessed that he was serious. It may be that I was a little bit ignored by him, but he treated my mom well, often even making her laugh genuinely. I figured out that I didn't mind him, as long as he made Kuchel happy. It went on like that for approximately one year before… everything changed completely. Her lover was an occasional drinker to begin with and he convinced my mother to drink some alcohol, too, though ‘some’ turned into ‘much’ very fast. After one year, that man reached the point where he was kind of a heavy drinker and with the intoxication of alcohol came also his rough attitude. It started with how he was calling me a piece of shit, a worthless kid or an unwanted child whenever I was alone with him. I told my mom about that, but she didn't really listen to me, rather caring about the alcohol instead and always making sure that there would be enough at home.”

Did that mean that Kuchel, the only person who was important to Levi, did change, too, which affected him a lot? Was the raven going to tell me that his own mother didn't care about her son anymore? How awful… To be honest, I was a bit scared of what would come next.

“At some point, she started to ignore me nearly as much as her guy ignored me, having only eyes for him who was fault at changing her like that. It was unbearable for me to see how she didn't really take notice of me anymore. After all I was her child. A child loves his mother, right? I wanted to show that to her and receive the same back. After all these years, I never ever heard a ‘I love you’ coming out of her mouth. Even if she loved me, but didn't say it, I wanted to hear it; at least once. I mean, I heard her saying that to her man, so expressing her love for me was practically a must. First, I tried to be with her alone when she was most likely sober. I told her that I was feeling lonely recently, but she would always shoo me away and give excuses like she had a headache or was tired. She cared about me lesser and lesser as time passed until I felt like a stranger in her presence. That wasn't even the worst though. The worst was how the things from when we lived with her prior lover repeated itself again. As I said, Kuchel’s guy was an alcoholic and one day he got mad while being drunk, accusing my mom to have cheated on him. Not only that, but also that she was a nuisance to him. He yelled at my mother and destroyed things while Kuchel tried to calm him down and make clear to him that she didn't do anything wrong. I didn't know where he got these accusations from, but they were all wrong. It was probably due to his drunkness. No matter how much our relationship had changed, I would always stand on her side and I knew that my mom wasn’t a nuisance. Anyway, Kuchel’s attempts were useless and that fucker didn't calm down either, the fight went on as it was. I had witnessed everything from a bit far away because I was worried about my mother and in the end my worries were reasoned. Again, she had to experience how a man hit her. It didn't matter to me whether the drunkard knew what he was doing or not, before I had realized it fully I was already in front of where my mom was standing. I knew very well that at that time, I had expanded my arms to my sides and was looking up at the guy with fear all over my face and a shaky body. I was prepared that, like last time, I would receive a punch again, but at that very moment I accepted that. As long as my mom wouldn't get hurt, I was willing to take the hits. I had told him in a shaky voice not to hurt my mom to which he answered with another loud exclamation, insulting me. I didn’t falter, expecting the worst, but what happened was something I couldn't believe. Not once did I break eye contact with that man, so I was even more surprised when something hit my face. It was a slap with a flat hand, but hard enough to make me fall.”

Someone else than the man hit him? Who? Wait… Don't tell me…?

“The next thing I heard was the angry voice of my mother. She shouted something along the lines ‘What are you doing there? I told you not to get in my way! Why won’t you listen to me at least once?!’ It was then that I progressed that my mother slapped me for the first time in my life. And unlike last time, this time she was mad at me because I interfered in their fight, not because there was the chance that her lover would hit me, too. If she hadn't wanted him to punch me, she wouldn't have done that to me herself.”

What?! His own mother abused him? “B-But…” The first time since a long time that I began speaking again. “But it was just a slip, right? She only did that because she was out of control for that one time, right?” Please say yes, oh please let it be that one time! “She was probably just drunk and utterly annoyed, right? She didn’t really mean it. Right?!” My voice was filled with despair, only wanting to hear one word: ‘Yes.’

Levi didn’t answer, silenced for quite a while. “I wish it had been that one time.”

No!

“To be honest, when I looked into her eyes I was scared. I was scared because of what I saw in them. The love for her own son was draining out of her eyes and was replaced by hatred. Do you know how it feels like knowing that your own mother started to hate you? That your own mother doesn't have any love left inside her for her own child? Do you know how that feels like?”

This may be a rhetorical question, but I had that urge to answer it. With a really weak and defeated voice, I said, “No… No, I don't know how it feels like.”

“Good for you. I don’t wish that for anyone else to happen, too.”

I hadn't expected such a turn of events. I would have never ever guessed that Levi’s mother really gave up to care about her own son. How could she even? How can someone treat their own child like that?

One deep sigh before Levi went on. “She yelled at me and didn't want to see me and at that point I had found out that she had changed completely, even towards me. It was the fault of her lover and the alcohol. It was no wonder that the guy was on her side, or should I better say she was on his side, insulting and scolding the shit out of me.”

No… No more… I didn't want to hear more… but I knew that I had to if I wanted to understand him. But listening to all these things made me… utterly upset. How could he even talk normally about his past without tearing up? How couldn't Levi show any emotions when talking about the most personal things? Did that mean that he couldn't get moved by them because…

“At that day, I had locked myself in my room and cried my eyes out because it was the first time that my own mother smacked me. Nevertheless, I didn't want to give up. She was my mother after all. So on days where she was most likely sober and in a rather good mood I tried to gain her attention. Like, I told her that I was hungry, tired, hurt or whatever else came to my mind. But all she did was to shove me away and tell me not to get her on her nerves. Most of the time, she then left the room we were in or she even went outside, leaving me behind—all alone and lonely. Well, not always alone. Often her lover was in the house, too, and when he saw me there – close to crying again– he approached me and dragged me to the floor, holding my face or my upper body down with his boots. Then, he would say all the things that I didn't want to hear. That I was a nuisance, that I was unwanted, and the worst was how he claimed that my mother didn't love me at all. Regardless of everything that had happened already, I was still convinced that there was still a bit love left inside my mother. It just needed to be freed. I don't know… Maybe I stuck to those convictions because I didn't want to believe myself that he was right. So I neglected his sayings and told myself to  make my mom love me again. And what the guy said to me after that had me shocked for a long time, the words repeating in my head time and again. He claimed that Kuchel is dissatisfied with her own life because of me. That she would live a life ten times better if I weren’t existing. He said that I was an unwanted child and therefore didn't deserve the love of my own mother.”

It broke my heart. It broke me listening to this. It broke me knowing now that all Levi ever wanted as a child was to receive the gentle love of his mother, which he didn't get. Getting hit instead had a more destructive and heart-breaking effect to it.

“From then on, everything was just wrong. Kuchel’s lover would still hit her whenever he was pissed-off, drunk, mad or all three of them. The worst was how my mother didn't decide to leave that ass of a man because he would always apologize to her when he was sober again and she was ignorant enough to buy it and forgive him. Let me tell you that from what I’ve seen he really did a lot to win over her again. But other than that, nothing changed. My mom would hit me, too, whenever she was drunk of angry with me, though I never figured out plausible reasons for the latter because all I tried was to spend as much time as possible with her. But she wouldn't allow me that and rather spent her time with her guy, mostly at home, accompanied by lots of fights and loud noises in between their calm moments, and as much as it hurt me seeing her getting hurt, I knew that I was defenseless against that. Because if I attempted to protect her, I would get beaten by my mother herself and not her abuser. There was a time when I realized what love was in my eyes: Love was a waste, an illusion, and nothing good would come out of it except getting hurt; physically and emotionally. That was what I saw in my mother’s relationships with other men and I personally had experienced that, too. Someone who would say that love is the best thing in the world is ignorant.”

Wrong. He was wrong. Love was something beautiful. But of course he won’t believe anyone who would say that. After all, he experienced a wrong way of love, but since he didn’t know how real love felt like, he believed in his own conviction; that conviction that he created after hopeless attempts of getting loved by the person who should have appreciated and treasured him the most. At this point, I think I understood why Levi couldn't love anymore. Kuchel didn't treat Levi, her precious son, with love and abused him instead. Her lovers were abusers, too, hurting him as well. I guess I would have given up, too. Who would want to try getting loved if all it resulted to was pain. Also, Kuchel's relationship to her lovers showed off a wrong portrayal of love. Levi, as a child, probably thought that love was something dangerous and abusive. I had to show him that love was actually something beautiful. What he got to know in his past wasn't a sign of affection at all!

The only thing that affected me the most at the moment was that thing about his mother… It had most certainly been like a nightmare for Levi once he found out that Kuchel didn't really care about her son’s feelings anymore. If someone didn’t receive love from their mother… then it was obvious that they would have difficulties to love and trust others.

“Love is either wrong or temporary. There is no in between.” Levi stated, no emotions evident in his voice.

“Y-You’re wrong…” I retorted, unsure how to go on.

But Levi was the first one to talk. “You think so? I have more than one proof that I’m right. That thing with my mother was one thing, but that thing with her and and her lovers wasn't as different. In reality, no one of them really loved her. It was shortly before I turned 6 that Kuchel’s guy kicked us out. He said that he was sick of having a child around him and he claimed that my mom was going on his nerves with all the fights. Would someone say that to a person they confessed to? Then why the fuck did he say those shits to my mom? Everything would have been better without him. Without many protests we had to face the fact again that we were homeless one more time. It was on the first day, as we were walking down the streets without any destination, that I saw my mother crying in despair. The whole time I was holding her hand as I looked up at her. I asked her why she didn’t go back to uncle Kenny. I know that, shortly before we were kicked out, he visited her, asking if she was fine and whether she needed any help because he had offered to help her if it was necessary. She lied to him, telling him that she hadn’t any problems. I had witnessed their conversation from the floor, but Kenny didn't spot me. Anyway, Kuchel said to me that there was no way that we would go to my ‘shitty uncle’ because she didn’t want his help. Back then I couldn’t quite tell why she was against that, but I guess that she would have to show defeat towards him once he found out how bad of a situation she was in, and she probably didn't want to depend on others. For that, she would rather live on the streets. So when I was trying to cheer her up in some way, Kuchel’s cries stopped and she glared at me then. She murmured something about ‘It’s your fault.’ and ‘Everything is shitty because of a damn child.’ and before I knew it, she had already shoved me aside, going away without me. I didn’t know what was happening, but it was obvious that I didn’t want to be left alone. I called after my mom who distanced herself from me farther, but the only response I got from her was to not follow her. I was too overwhelmed and scared of the fact that she had abandoned me that I couldn't move from my spot. I stayed there, sitting on the cold ground of the streets as I bawled my eyes out. There were other people around me, homeless ones and passerbys, but no one really paid attention to me. Why would they? Living in the slums was already hard enough, who would want to deal with a child voluntarily when they had nothing for themselves? I sat there for a few hours, not knowing what I should do. I was alone and nowhere to go to. After all, I had no clue where uncle Kenny was living because he might have helped me. It was a surprise when Kuchel came back to me around night, holding a good amount of money in one of her hands. It seemed that she had calmed down because her voice was soft when she told me to get up because sitting on the cold ground wouldn’t do my body good. She took one of my hands in her own as we headed to a certain place. The whole time, I didn‘t say anything because I didn’t want to make her mad again and to be honest, I liked the silence more. My mom didn't talk much either. I found out that she brought us to a place where we could get something warm to eat, something like a run-down restaurant in the slums. Also, she had bought me a blanket. At that time, I didn't want to think where she got that money from, although I was pretty much sure what the answer was. So for once did I feel like everything revolved around me. I was sitting on my mom’s lap with the blanket wrapped around my body as I was eating the warm meal, with my mother running her hand through my hair. You must know, we never had much to eat, so being full from a meal for once was one of the best feelings ever. Kuchel then said that she found someone who would give us shelter. Immediately, I had a bad feeling about that and told her what if it was again someone who was an abuser. She didn’t really know how the man was like, but at the same time she tried to make it clear to me that we had no other choice if we didn’t want to sleep on the streets. So we headed to the man’s home. That man was a really muscular male with many tattooes and piercings who didn’t even try to be nice to anyone. My first impression was that he wasn't that awful either, but I started holding a grudge against him the second he called me little shorty. He said to my mom that she should remember that he would give us only shelter if she really offered her body to him as exchange. She reassured him that she would stick to the deal. It made me upset, seeing how my mom had to do these things to ensure us a living. In those weeks we lived with him, I figured out that he was someone who never listened to anyone else and all he wanted was a woman by his side and something good to eat and drink. Unfortunately, he also was like the other guys before. If he was pissed, his hand would rise and meet with my mother’s face. He was awful. I wasn't spared of that, too. Again, one day, Kenny had visited us and asked how everything was going and why Kuchel had changed her partner again. She didn't say much and made him leave the apartment quickly, although it was obvious that my uncle was really worried about his sister. I didn't know what had driven me to do that, but one day when I couldn't endure any of that anymore, I confronted him and yelled in his face that he was an asshole like everyone other man and I shouted at him some other insulting things. Kuchel had heard that, too, and scolded me for having said that. The man reacted immediately and grabbed my arm, squeezing my wrist achingly. He had put on a crazy grin as he grabbed a lighter, lighting it up. After that, he placed the lighter under my arm, gradually raising it to my skin as the little fire slowly burned my skin. He wanted me to say that again as he held the lighter, squeezing my arm even more, the pain from the fire growing. Out of despair, I apologized to him and begged him to stop as I tried to pull my arm away, but he didn't falter. Instead, he laughed insanely, amused how superior he was over the situation. I was pretty sure that he wanted to burn a hole in my skin if it wasn't for my mom who released me from his grasp. She told me to go to my room, so I walked away, but only to watch everything from a safe place. I saw how they got into a fight, Kuchel was mad at him for almost burning my arm, but he didn't seem to regret his doings. So my mother went completely mad and was about to hit the guy with a bottle, but he was faster, snatched the bottle and pushed Kuchel aside. She hit her head against something and cried out to it loudly. I had witnessed with my own eyes how she fell forward and onto the floor, blood seeping from her head not many seconds later. The man just cursed ‘Shit!’ or so and made his leave after that, and that was the last time I saw him. I ran up to my mom as fast as I could and when I had reached her, there was already a little blood puddle around her.”

Wait, did that hit against Kuchel’s head kill her…?

“I had tried to stop that bleeding, but it wouldn't stop. I had no clue how to call an ambulance, after all there was no electronic device around and there was no way that I would leave my mother for a while to find someone who could help. With blood smearing my hands and clothes and tears staining my face, I got to hear the last words leaving her lips before she went silent forever. She called my name a few times first and had tried to look at me, but had failed because she couldn't raise her head, so I lowered my face to hers. At first, I hadn't realized that my mom was on the verge of dying and even worse was how I couldn't do anything to help her. Instead, I listened to her last words. It was incomplete, but enough for me to understand. She had whispered, ‘I’m sor...’ —ry. She wanted to say ‘I’m sorry.’ I couldn't quite tell what exactly she was apologizing for, but at that moment I didn’t care. For a while, I even blamed myself for her death. If I hadn't messed with her lover, she wouldn't have died. It was because I couldn't shut my mouth that they got into a fight that escalated in the end. But another part of me told me that I had to say these things to him. After all, I didn't want anyone to hurt her anymore. But in the end, I had hurt myself the most because I had now lost the person who meant everything to me.”

Oh my god… This was so sad. Such a tragic story. I didn't understand… I didn’t understand how Levi could tell everything without his voice faltering or his feelings overtaking him. How could he stay calm when he was talking about his mother’s death?

“A few days passed until someone found me and—” he stopped as soon as he heard my sniffles. “Eren, are you crying?” Levi looked at me now, his brows furrowed and his eyes showing off disbelief.

It was true. I wasn't able to hold back anymore. No one would have been able—except for Levi. Tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably as I tried to control my feelings that were overwhelming me right now. “H-How can someone not cry to something like that?!” I didn’t hold back any of my sobs and let everything out that needed to be released.

Levi was about to give me a tissue when I pulled him to me and hugged him tightly, crying on his shoulders. I held him tightly in my arms, not wanting to let go of him. It wasn’t because I needed it… I wanted to give him the feeling that I was there for him. I understood him now. I understood very well why he was the way he was. He suffered from many horrible abuses and lost his mother who also was partly at fault for the bad side of his past, but nevertheless she was someone important to him. Actually, I was astonished that after all these things Levi still became a person who didn’t give up in life. He was a man who decided to live on, but for that he threw something else away. Something that could make his life complete. I wanted to give him the love he needed. I wanted to be the one to give him the thing he had always sought when he was younger.

I loved him, and I wanted to make him love.

_All he needed was love!_

It really took me at least ten minutes to collect myself and stop my crying. My sleeves were covered by my tears and my cheeks were reddened from all the rubbing.

“Are you okay now? If you want me to stop, tell me.”

I shook my head quickly. “No, no. I want to hear everything.” How much was there still to come?

Instead of turning back to his original position, he continued while looking at me the whole time, probably watching whether I would cry again or not. “It was Kenny who found me. He had probably wanted to look after Kuchel again. I didn't know how many days had passed until he found me. Three, four or five days, I guess. During that time, I was sitting on the floor, against a wall, my legs pulled to my chest and my eyes fixated on one certain spot on the floor. I still had blood on my clothes and I was starving to death, but the thing was that I was like in a freezed daze. Unable to move or to think properly, still too paralyzed of the happenings. Long story short, from then on, Kenny took care of me for a few years. He taught me how to fight most of the time, but I never really understood why I would have to fight. There is one thing that I still remember from one of his lessons: ‘Do not show any emotions while fighting!’ He always wanted me to repeat that because I sucked at fighting at the beginning, but I would always remember his words. Around that time was also the time I cried for the last time and from then on never again. I once asked him if he wanted me to live by my own in a few years, but he reassured me that I won’t be living in the slums all by myself. Of course, I hadn't paid attention to his words very much, but only 4 years later, I found out why he wanted me to know how to fight. It may be true that he didn't leave me alone in the slums, but instead he brought me to an orphanage. To be quiet frank, I didn’t want to live there. I liked living with Kenny. He didn't teach me much about social things, but he provided me with everything necessary. I even went to school, it was really rare that someone from the slums would ever afford that. In addition, I never ever was hungry again and all in all, I was living under decent conditions. Kenny explained to me that he couldn't take care of me anymore because his job wouldn’t let him. He had to go abroad. I told him that I wanted to go with him, but he said that it was impossible. In the end, I had to accept that I was living in an orphanage from now on, and again I remembered how he told me that the moves he taught me might be necessary when I was living there. And he was right. Almost every orphan looked down at me from the very first day, probably hating me, even though I didn't do anything to them. I think none of them wanted to be seen as victim in the orphanage, no one of them wanted others to bully them. So they had tried to make me the victim. There were some older guys who wanted to beat me up and demanded from me to practically be their slave and do all the lousy jobs than one had to do once in a while. I rejected to which they picked up a fight with me. To their surprise, I came out as winner, having forced everyone to the floor. It wasn’t that hard to fight against them. They weren't really using effective moves, so I was able to defend myself quite easily. Even if I won against them and didn't count as the slave or target, I was the outsider in the end. No one dared talk to me, not even approach me because I was able to beat everyone up. It wasn't like I wanted to do that, I would only use my skills when it was necessary, but no one cared about that. Everyone hated me even more now, but after a while I got used to it. Yeah, I even thought that it was better like that. If no one interacted with me, I had no reason to worry about anything. It was because of a certain person who became an orphan four years later that I lost trust in others for real this time and so I decided not to get hurt ever again. He was the reason why everything from the past overwhelmed and depressed for that one time. But it was also the last time. I altered the meaning behind Kenny’s words. ‘Do not show any emotions while fighting.’ became ‘Do not show any emotions at all.’ to me. I told myself that I would never ever trust any person too much and I would never ever love another person. Like that, there was no chance that anyone could hurt me, no matter in which way. I had found a way how to protect myself from hurtful things and persons. ‘Do not show any emotions.’ Of course I couldn't erase any feelings, only the ones I was able to live without. I found out at least once that it was a mistake to have affectionate feelings, and I didn't want to make the same mistake again. When I was 15, Cassie and Richard adopted me and from then on, I lived together with them and Farlan and Isabel. Luckily, it was a lot better to live with a family in which I had a healthy relationship to them. They treated me well and equally, never having seen me as a child less worth than Farlan and Isabel. I didn’t want anyone’s pity, because I knew that they knew about my past, but I was glad that I was accepted by them. But that didn’t meant that I would change my mentality and attitude towards life, because I didn't.”

So when Levi was adopted he had already locked his feelings that much up that he wasn't able to even show any affection to the family that took care of him? “Does that mean you were – or still are – indifferent to the people who ensured you a good life? Don’t you feel anything towards your family?”

The raven cleared his throat. “At first, I really had problems to socialize with them because I had that bad attitude of caring less about others and doing what I wanted to do without anyone giving me restrictions. I even hated it at first how all of them had tried to be nice to me and give me the impression that I wasn’t an unwanted person in their family, but as time passed in which I spent time with them – and Farlan succeeded in taming my rebellious attitude – I didn’t feel as estranged around them as before. It was them who enabled me to make it to something in life. They supported me in every way possible. For example, I wouldn't be granted my current job position – where only well-educated people had access to – without their help. They enabled me to attend university. But I never explicitly told them that I was thankful for everthing. I never felt like saying that to them.”

But at least you were grateful to them inwardly. That was already a good sign.

Was is it even possible to make a person feel again?

How should someone love if they never were loved by someone?

Levi lived this kind of life for more than 10 years now. Did he have any feelings left?

I figured out that he wasn't completely emotionless; he said so himself. More importantly was whether Levi would feel those feelings again that humans express every day, no matter if subconsciously or consciously. Happiness, love, sadness. Those three emotions were the most important ones, I guess. Was it possible for me to make him feel those feelings again? Now that I was thinking of it… These three emotions were the exact feelings that he had felt when he was living with his mother. He loved her unconditionally, it utterly upset him to see how Kuchel was abused by men, and there were those few times that he lived with her in happiness; even if they used to be homeless at that time. He had his mom who cared about him dearly, even if it was only for a very short amount of time. Levi said that he would never ever forget how he and she spent time together where it was only the two of them.

“I talked a lot, I guess.” Levi said out of the blue, tearing me apart from my thoughts. His eyes were shifted to the clock.

I snuggled into my blanket, taking one deep breath. Somehow I felt exhausted, even though I wasn't the one who had talked the whole time. “It’s okay. I wanted you to tell me everything.” A small smile was able to appear on my face, but it faded away as soon as I looked into Levi’s hurt eyes. It surprised me that he looked at me in that way, as if he was instantly regretting that he had opened up to me. “Levi…?”

“Eren.” He moved closer to me, our faces only a few inches apart anymore. His expression was serious and I hadn't a good feeling towards what was coming next. “All these years… I was able to hold a distance to everyone that I interacted with daily; on a mentally and physically basis. I thought of my family as my supporter, though each of them had my respect and I didn’t mind if they showed me how much I meant to them. It was just that I didn't express the same feeling back. My friends are people who I didn't really mind having around me, though not once did I talk to any of them about really personal things—such as my past. They were my friends and I had a certain trust in them, it varies from friend to friend. Also, I make sure that I don’t trust anyone too much because I know that it was bad. If I wanted to have my fun then I would have them without causing any big troubles. Most of the time, I had sex with people I wouldn't see again after that, but I never let it come that far that I would count myself as a sex-driven person. I enjoyed it when I had the chance to it, but it was never something necessary in my life. I dumped every person who confessed to me because I didn’t want to deal with their shit-ass feelings, such as love. But all these things were before I met you, Eren.”

It made me speechless to listen to these things, my mind completely confused, not knowing where Levi was leading to with his saying. I had a weird feeling, but I couldn't define it. It was something between hope and fear.

Levi raised a hand, caressing my cheek very softly. He didn’t take his eyes away from mine, hypnotizing me with the unique greyness that was sparkling in his orbs now. “You are the first person with whom I had sex with more than once. I spent my time with you and slept with you enough to make you fall in love with me. I accepted that you confessed to me and I was the one who offered you the fuck buddy relationship, having totally ignored my principles. I think I wasn't against this because I was certain that you wouldn't change anything in me. After all, I was sure that I could control everything and myself. But… after all these months together with you… I don’t know what this feeling is… But I know now that I shouldn't let it come this far. I had made a mistake because I realized that you aren't totally indifferent to me.”

I think my breath was caught in my throat in those few seconds in which I had tried to let the words out that came to my mind first. Luckily, I gained my voice fast enough and while I grabbed the wrist of his hand that had rested on my face up until now, I said with as much steadiness in my voice as I could,

“This is love!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAAAAAAAYYYYY! Somehow I really think that I fucked up with the way Levi told Eren about his past. Idk... Maybe it was too detailed... Please give me some feedback ;-;


	26. Levi In Love?

**Levi's** **POV**

The whole time I thought that I would never ever open up to someone, simply because of self-protection.

Then what the fuck was I doing here, sitting next to Eren to whom I had just fucking told everything about me?!

Even worse was the fact that Eren claimed just now something that couldn't be true and yet I wasn't disapproving him right away.

It felt as if Eren's pure emerald eyes were piercing right through my emotionless grey ones, but at the same time those glimmering orbs were the reason why I couldn't avert my eyes.

Silence had been filling the room, ever since what Eren had said to me just now.

I had finally regained my knowledge about how to use my voice, parting my lips to let the next words out.

"Love... you say?" As far as I remember, I had never ever been as insecure in my life as I was right now.

_Love?_

"Yes, love." Eren answered with more confidence in his voice than I had in my own one, nodding ever so lightly. He seemed to feel uncertain, too; his face showing nothing more than deep insecurity. Though, I think that he wasn't unsure of his own words but of my reaction...

 _'Levi'_ , I glanced at his lips that mouthed my name, maybe he was whispering it, but his voice was too quiet to hear.

And then I felt a hand on my face, cupping my left cheek with a feathery touch, his fingers wandering to over my ears. He came closer, very, very slowly did Eren's face approach me and when there was no space left, I felt a pair of lips on my lips.

It was a chaste kiss, his lips not moving; barely lingering on mine.

I still had my eyes opened, my brows constantly switching between narrowing and loosening as I let the guy who was the biggest threat to me right now kiss me.

Eren's lips were moving now, the kiss slowly but certainly changing from chaste to passionate, though it didn't border on a French kiss or whatsoever. Eren wouldn't do something like that in a situation like this.

I then gained my senses again, feeling like I had been caught in a trance up until now.

"No." I said as soon as our lips separated due to my arm shoving away Eren's body.

Even though it was only one word, two letters, Eren seemed to understand right away.

"L-Levi... Don't..." His expression changed to a horrified one, anxious, and all that because of me. He didn't want me to say it. He didn't want to hear it.

"This isn't love." And yet I said it. I stood up abruptly in order to not get hold in place by him. I knew very well that he wouldn't give up that easily.

I was right.

"No!" Eren was on his feet now, too, grabbing my arm firmly as if everything depended on it. Well, technically, it did. "Please don't say that, Levi! Don't think that! You're wrong! This is love! You just don't know it yet!" I heard his voice break and croak, his words desperately trying to reach me.

I had faced my back to him, refusing to look him in the eyes, but then I remembered that there was one thing left. So I shifted my body to him slowly, meeting with eyes that had already tears accumulated.

Oh god, he was going to cry again. I didn't need this right now.

"Here, have your key back." Was the only thing I said as I took one of his hands and placed the key in his palm.

"Levi... Please... Don't..." The tears were already falling and in a matter of seconds his cheeks were covered with flows of salty water, spilling from bis eyes. "Please... Levi... Don't say that..."

I didn't understand. I had seen Eren crying so many times already, but this time it evoked some strange feeling inside me, now that I was seeing him like that.

Nevertheless, I had to do this. As I closed his hand that held the key, I said, "I know now that I can trust you..."

"Levi, please..." he literally begged, his whole body shaking and his slightly parted lips quivering.

"... but that's all."

"Levi, no..." It was as if I had given him a sign that resulted in bringing him into a crying fit. "Don't, Levi... Please... Please, I beg of you... Please, don't, Levi..."

His hands enclosed my wrist, his nails digging into my flesh.

Eren knew that he was going to lose and that was why he was desperately trying to convince me the opposite.

He knew that I was serious.

"I will forgive you! I will forgive you everything that you've done to me! Just, please, don't..." The whole room echoed the sounds of his cries and sobs, and I was certain now that this needed to be ended.

I freed my wrist from his fingers, even if it was difficult to release my hand from his tight grasp, in the end Eren hadn't any chance to win over this. Not once did he take his eyes off me, trying to trigger something off in me with his crying face; he hoped it would change my mind.

"This is useless." I uttered nonchalantly, heading for the door, but (of course) Eren wouldn't let me.

This time he was hugging me from behind, his face buried in my back and not much later I was already feeling a warm, wet stain spreading on my shirt. "I love you, Levi! I love you! Don't do this to me! Please..."

I sighed slowly, though not in annoyance, breaking the chain above my stomach of his crossed arms. "Let go of me, Eren." My voice was literally nothing else than a monotonous tone. Not that I was fed up with everything, but... I needed to go away for a while.

Finally, I was free and this time I made sure that Eren wouldn't do something like this again.

But he did something else instead; or rather, he exclaimed something.

"I want to help you overcome your past! I want to help you because I love you! You hear that? I love you!"

My fists were clenched and I took long breaths to supress the urge to turn around.

Why was Eren fighting for something that didn't exist in the first place?

"I think you don't understand, Eren..."  
His cries diminished for a few seconds. "What? What do you mean?"

"I can't do this because you know everything about me now."

"But now that I can finally understand you I want to help you the best way possible. I want to make you feel again, Levi." Again, his sobs filled the room.

"You simply don't understand." I opened the door.

"You want to throw everything away?" I halted. Eren was still not done talking, but at least this time he held a distance between us. "You want to throw everything away that was between us? Everything, no matter how less it is, that we were able to establish after all these months? You won't give us a chance?"

The last sentence repeated itself in my mind. _Us_ _? Chance?_

My hand on the door knob eventually moved and my feet brought me outside of the brunet's room. "I won't." Was the last thing I told Eren before I shut the door close and not much later I heard him exclaim one loud cry.

Trying to ignore this - but failing - I left the apartment nevertheless.

It was the park that I headed for, searching some calm place to collect my thoughts. I sat down on a bench, rested my elbows on my thighs and kept my eyes on the ground, my head lowered. Taking some time, I then let all the prior happenings pass my mind as I lit up a cigarette and blew once.

No matter how I looked at it, in the end I regretted what I had done. I made the wrong choice.

Telling Eren everything about me was a mistake.

Why did I let him convince me to open up?

I couldn't believe that his words reached me enough to make me talk.

I had told him everything. Everything. He was the first person who got to know my past by me telling him. Cassie, Richard, Farlan and Isabel were informed by Kenny about everything that had happened to me before I lived with them. He was the one who told them everything and after that I refused to talk to them about it. I wanted to bury all the bad things in my head, never ever letting them out, but now...

Eren knew.

He has seen my most vulnerable side.

Was this a sign of weakness of mine?

Was I weak in front of him and did he realize that?

I _had_ been weak and vulnerable.

And that was why... That was why I couldn't stay with him anymore.

This wasn't love.

Eren knew everything about me now. That I opened up to him also meant that I would never ever be able to show him my cold and indifferent attitude anymore. I couldn't act like this in front of him anymore.

It was my fault that I let this happen. I was reckless and now I had to face with the consequences. Now that Eren knew and I wasn't the same to person to him anymore, he was able to hurt me.

My protection was gone.

All my efforts to keep enough distance to that brat, shielding myself from his emotions with an invisible wall that I had established, and showing emotions as less as possible were all wasted now.

Like that, Eren was able to hurt me. To be honest, he had every reason to.

But I told myself years ago that I would never ever get hurt again; neither physically nor mentally. This mustn't happen, at no circumstances. I had already endured enough.

The only solution was...

... to leave Eren.

I wasn't allowed to deal with him anymore. He was a threat to me. And I was his prey. He knew about my weak spots and was able to make use of them to my disadvantage. Practically, from now on he could hurt me without me being able to do something against that.

He didn't want to help me with my past. As if! No one could really tell what he wanted. What if he wanted to see me suffer? What if he wanted to see me suffer because I never returned his love? Maybe this was revenge? Maybe it was even a mistake to trust him?

I leant back on the bench, tilting my head back as I sighed heavily, looking up to the sky through half-lidded eyes.

Dealing with this was so bothering and annoying and... tiring.

Unbelievable how my original intentions with Eren changed drastically because of one mistake I had made. On the other hand, it was a grave mistake, so nothing else was to expect.

I had to end this.

I stood up. Having lit up the cigarette was actually a waste. I hadn't taken more than that one drag at the beginning. The rest had burnt down by itself, leaving the ash as leftover.

Entering my apartment, I noticed that Eren was still here. His shoes were still where he took them off yesterday.  
Why would he leave in the first place? He wouldn't.

Going through the entrance hall and the floor, I made my way to Eren.

_I had to do this._

Everything was so quiet here.

When I opened the door to his room, I didn't hear any sobs or other sounds either. Instead, I was met with a sleeping Eren. He wasn't sleeping peacefully though. I could see that. Standing next to his bed now, I noticed how distraught his expression was. It was as if he had forced himself to sleep, the pain in his face visible even when he was asleep. There were still wet tears tainting his cheeks and there were spots on his face which were reddened: his eyes for sure, his cheeks and his nose.

Seeing him like that...

Was Eren really a guy who was capable of hurting me when he wanted to do it?

Would he ever do something like that?

A guy like him-who told me over and over again that he loved me.

I told Eren that I could trust him...

But was it really true?

Was that all?

I sat down cautiously on the edge of the bed to not wake him up. Eren didn't move an inch, continued to stay in that uncomfortable kind of sleep. I really had the urge to wake him up, but it was better like this. I couldn't do anything for him.

Almost subconsciously, my fingers wandered to the brunet's face, moving away some strands of his brown locks. My thumb stroked over his temple in circling movements before I lowered my head to it.

I could trust him.

Right before my lips met with the temple I stopped.

What was I doing here?

There was no use to do this. There was no use at all. There wasn't a solution that satisfied both of us. One had to suffer from the outcome.

I couldn't give Eren what he wanted, and he couldn't help me.

Eren wasn't indifferent to me, that was right.

Also, I could trust him.

But...

I didn't want to take any risks.

It was as if my emotional state had completely changed. I didn't see him with the same uncaring feelings anymore as I did with almost anyone else. And this change hadn't happened inside me totally before today.

That I opened up to him... had triggered off certain feelings to well up inside me, though it was only lightly yet. Those feelings I never ever wanted to feel again.

This was the reason why I couldn't do this.

This was why I had to stay away from Eren.

Raging emotions rushed through my body as I left the room and went to my own one, shutting my door loudly. While pinching the bridge of my nose, I took deep breaths to calm myself down.

_Suppress those feelings, don't let them out._

_Do not show any emotions at all!_

Fuck!

I plumped down onto my chair, propping my elbows on my desk and covered my face with my palms as I sighed through my nose.

Everything was so fucked up.

I was fucked up.

But it wasn't my fault.

It wasn't my fault that I was the way I was.

I became like this because my past made me like that!

I couldn't change anymore. Not with Eren's love nor with anything else!

Feelings wouldn't help me if I couldn't feel them, too.

What I felt for Eren was nothing more than...

Than what?

I shook my head lightly, my eyes closed as I crossed my arms on the desk and lay my forehead on them.

 _This wasn't_ _love..._ _right?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Unfortunately I have to tell you that I will be on a hiatus for the next three weeks. So no updates during that time.
> 
> After all it's summer break and that's why my family and I want to enjoy our holidays abroad for a few weeks!
> 
> I wish you all nice holidays!
> 
> Until next time!


	27. Levi.

** Levi’s POV **

_Coldness_.

That was the first thing that came to my mind when I realized that I was in a space of nothing but whiteness. Literally nothing and no one could be seen, which lead me to one conclusion.

_Was this… a dream?_

My head switched from one side to the other, back and forth, attempting to figure out what kind of dream I was in. It was certainly not reality, that much was for sure, but at the same time I couldn't grasp why I would dream something like that. I dreamt rarely, and when I was, it would never be something as confusing and irritating as this one right now.

When I turned my head back to my original position, I was suddenly met with a familiar person who was standing a bit farther away from me. Long raven hair, pale skin, a fragile figure and the same height as back then when I last saw her. Her head was sunken, face hidden behind her locks. She was gripping her right arm with her left hand and it seemed that her nails were digging into her skin.

“Mom…” I whispered to myself, still not believing that she was appearing in my dream.

It was really her! She’s looking exact the same as when I saw her before she died.

When was the last time I dreamt of her?

I didn’t remember.

Not once did she visit me in my dreams where I could see her as clearly as now. Whatever the meaning of this dream was, I didn't want it to end soon. So in other words that meant that I shouldn't waste any time or else I would regret it later on.

Taking the quick steps that were needed to reach her, I was already extending my arms to hold her by her shoulders and make her look in my eyes.

I needed to see her face.

There were approximately six inches that still seperated us when something made me stop in my tracks, falling motionless because of the thing that I had to witness.

Her shoulders had begun to shake and almost silent sobs were leaving her mouth as her body stiffened and she wound her arms around her body as in to protect herself from something.

Was is because of me?

Her whole body shivered and I somehow was unable to do something against that. It was as if her crying had paralyzed me and trapped me in my place, not giving me a chance to help her because…

Because an unwanted son like me who was never appreciated by his own mother could not do anything.

Was this the thing I had to understand from her crying? That it was already too late to even try anymore?

Even if I couldn't change the past, even if she was already dead in reality…

I still had this dream, and I wanted to use this chance to comfort her. She needed to understand that right now she wasn't alone. I was with her.

Her crying didn’t stop and I figured out that I still couldn't move, being literally forced to see mom tearing up while I was watching her from the distance.

And at the same time I realized what I felt right at this very moment.

Namely, close to nothing.

She was bawling her eyes out and I didn't feel any sympathy. This moment didn't carry away my emotions as if they were immune against any kinds of possible triggers that can make my steady and mostly indifferent emotional state crumble.

Actually it was obvious to me that I didn't feel anything towards this thing. After all I had forced myself not to allow my feelings control or influence me in any way. I had learnt that this would be a mistake.

But I had that strange feeling that this wasn't the only thing that glued me in place and didn't let me feel pity for her. There was something else, something with a deeper meaning, that caused me to think and act this way.

It was mom herself.

She didn't love her own son…

For whatever reason I was able to move again, but I didn't because it was now that I noticed how a second person had joined us without me realizing when they did.

I had to look down to meet eyes with the person, and it surprised me at first to see my own self in front of me.

It was my younger self, glaring up at me. He looked like he was around six years old. His raven hair was messy, the clothes dirty and worn-out, he looked skinny as hell and there were spots on his skin that were covered in red and blue-violet bruises. I didn't know up until now that I used to look this shitty. How much of a mess my childhood used to be…

“Weak!” he exclaimed, which startled me inwardly because his voice was loud and very much reproaching.

“What?” I questioned with furrowed brows, scowling at him.

“You couldn't do anything because you were weak! You couldn't change anything because you were weak! You were weak!” His voice rose noticibly and drastically with every sentence that came next, his steel-grey eyes crying out anger and pure wrath that was meant to be expressed towards me; himself, too, to be quite exact.

“Oi, stop it alre—”

“You couldn't protect her because you were weak!”

He was irking me gradually, but part of me knew that what he was exclaiming was true.

“You were weak and that’s why all these men were able to hurt her!” He extended his arms to the left and right as if he wanted to point at something surrounding us.

All of a sudden, his presence faded, he became more and more transparent until he was gone completely. I didn't take my eyes off from the spot where he had been standing just now and not much later I made out a black fog-like substance spreading on the floor. When I looked up again, there were men standing around mom. All of them were grinning madly and had their eyes blackened, but this didn't mean that I didn't recognize them. I knew each and every one. All those men were persons who had been dealing with mom in any way. Some of them used to be her customers—though only those whose appearance I still remembered. And then there were her ex-lovers.

At first they all had their gazes on me, but soon they turned around simultaneously, gawking Kuchel now as they approached her slowly, grinning wider in the process. Some growled sounds of ugly laughters, others breathed heavily whilst the rest raised their arms to be the first to grope my mother.

Seeing how all these filthy pigs were hungry for a woman they wanted to touch and devour greedily was devastating and I knew that I wouldn't stay silent and watch.

It wasn't some random woman. No one of them was allowed to lay a finger on my mom!

It happened almost subconsciously that I switched into my fighting position, ready to punch and kick and break the shit out of each and every one of them.

I wasn't weak anymore. I now was capable of fighting. It was right that I couldn't save her back then… But I wouldn't lose to them again!

The first guy received a hard and solid punch in the guts, making him spit saliva and a strangled gasp. In a matter of second, his body faded away, black powder-like substance falling onto the floor.

This was a dream. There didn’t count the laws of physics. Everything was possible, no matter how unrealistic it seemed.

Sensing how one of the men approached me from behind, I dodged his flying fist, sent my foot swaying to kick his legs and force him to the floor before his face got to taste the bitter taste of my shoe. And just like that, I continued. No one was being spared. I first handled the guys who were most close to mom and then the others who were more interested in beating the shit out of me by now; Kuchel was second place.

Even better.

An arm twist, followed by damaging the knee caps, then tearing at his hair only to break the nose with my knee was the fate of another guy; yet another man ended up vanishing because of a twisted neck. I had to admit that there were two men who almost thrashed me with their fists, but luckily I was able to defend and attack after that right away, sending them to another place with a handful of fighting techniques.

A few minutes later, only one more was left. My breath went hard and I felt exhausted. Those men were all older and heavier than me, of course my strength would alleviate after fighting them. I heard how knuckles were cracked and when I turned around, I came to face with a guy I knew oh so well. Someone whose face would never ever be erased from my mind. I still remember those appalling tattooes, which showed either disgusting curses or derogative quotes; full of hate and revulsion. The feature that remained the most vivid in my mind was his muscular arms.

The muscular arms that pushed away my mom hard enough to kill her.

I went back to my fighting position, my slightly widened eyes fixated on the man in front of me. I were clenching my fists – full in wrath – as I breathed hard but slowly through my nose, the wrath inside me untamed.

I will crush him, I growled inwardly.

That fucker!

The only problem I had now was to find out how I should proceed. Most of my power had already left me, it had taken me quite much of my strength that had accumulated in my punches to fight all of the men prior.

And this bastard here seemed to be the strongest.

I doubted that a strike with my fist on his torso would be firm enough to make him disappear. Actually I had no clue where the line was that measured when someone was to fade away or not—this was a fucking dream!

Which meant I had only one option left, though there was a high chance that I might fail. The man moved now, running fast to where I was. After a little startle of surprise, I attempted to concentrate on the moving figure in front of my eyes, preparing for my move. He was still too far away.

I had that one chance. If he were to hit me instead, it could be that I would wake up from my dream, which I had to prevent at all costs. I mustn't wake up—not yet! Who knew when I would meet mom in my dreams again?

The muscular guy was only a few inches away from me now, an insane grin plastered on his face, a row of disgusting teeth exposed. He was so close already, but I had to have him this close. If I couldn't hit his muscular parts, there was only one thing left.

I pierced a death glare at him and then, with a collected mind and a controlled body, I was about to strike him a blow. Right at that moment, something changed and the worst was how I was almost caught off guard by that. The guy’s right fist had lit up in fire without his hand really burning. Luckily I paid attention to that only for one mere second and focused on my hit after that right away.

He wanted to scare me with fire because he once had tried to burn my arm, huh?

This manipulative shit wouldn't work on me.

Our bodies were almost touching, but not anymore when my balled fist hit that man from under his chin will all force that was left inside me, breaking his jaw excruciangly badly. I heard how his jaw dislocated, bones cracking and teeth falling out. The teeth he lost diminished really fast, leaving black powder behind on the floor. A little victorious smirk tugged at my lips when I eventually realized that my hit was indeed successful. The man groaned in utter pain and finally disappeared. I actually wanted to deal with him a bit longer, but firstly that was not possible, secondly I had not much strength left and last but not least it would have only been a fucking waste of time.

The black substance on the ground was gone now, and everything was back to how it was at the beginning. My gaze flicked to Kuchel and with a little bit of irritation I noticed that she hadn't moved at all. Not even when all those men had been after her. All the time she had remained in her position, clutching her body and trembling lightly.

With furrowed brows, I was about to approach her when,

“Don’t go to her.”

That voice.

I gritted my teeth as a pissed-off ‘tch’ left my mouth, my body slowly turning to the source of voice that was oh so familiar to me. It was familiar, but at the same time it had a complete different tone that I had never heard of him before. The tone was stern and crude, snappish and rude.

As expected, I came to face with Eren who was a bit far away from me, looking at me with a glare in his eyes and a dead serious but also annoyed expression on his face. The only thing that confused me slightly was the fact that his whole body was surrounded by a red aura.

God, what the fuck was wrong with this weird dream?!

I sent him a scowl back. “What gives you the right to tell me what to do and not to do?” I snapped in a stern tone, trying not to freak out completely. My patience was really low right now, since there had always been someone who was in my way in my dream up until now—all I wanted was to fucking talk to my mother already!

“Why are you still clinging to her? That doesn't make any sense. She’s already dead.”

“This is none of your business. Fuck off.”

Eren’s expression altered, his eyes widened a bit and his glare intensified as he said through ground teeth monotonously, “Why are you letting your past control you? Why do you mourn after a dead person? That’s pathetic. Look at yourself. Look what kind of a piece of shit you’ve become, all because of one person who isn't worth it.”

As if in reflex, I balled my hands in anger at my sides, Eren’s words repeating in my head, which practically made me lose my mind. “You don’t know anything about her. What you’re telling is bullshit!”

Honestly, who was this guy?

Eren… Eren wouldn't…

“Your mom never loved you!”

It was as if a wave of realization ran up my body, making me motion- and speechless for a while.

“The whole time you let yourself get influenced by someone who didn't care about you at all!”

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Eren was wrong.

“She’s dead and like this it’s the best!” His voice rose, shouting at me. “Why won’t you understand that the only one you need is me! The only love you need is my love and the only choice you have left is to love me back!”

I watched him in disbelief and with my anger rising as I witnessed how a big grin crept onto his face, as if he were driven in madness. “Your life is never going to have a meaning until you love me back!” he screamed the last word at me, shrill and demanding.

That guy was nothing like Eren.

In fact, he wasn't…

I felt how I got my senses back, being full conscious now as I stepped towards that guy who was flaming in red. “You aren’t Eren!” Was all I spat back as I prepared my fist to strike again. It hit the male’s cheeks and not much later he vanished, like all the other men.

I clenched my fists in anger. “I don’t need you.” I said to no one in particular. “I don’t need anyone.”

This time I didn't waste any time to go back to Kuchel, hoping that not another one would appear and bother me again. Technically speaking it shouldn't happen because there wasn't another one that I could think of who would disturb me now.

As before, mom hadn't moved an inch, and even though she didn't shake anymore, she was still eyeing the ground, not wanting to loosen up for what reason ever.

“Mom…” I reached out for her, wanting to hold her by her arms when something that I couldn’t explain at all happened.

My fingers went through her arm. As if I wasn’t touching anything but air. She was permeable. But why? I didn't get it. Did she have been like that the whole time? If so, then why would those men have tried to touch her? No, it couldn't be. She must have transformed to this kind of state some time before, and I didn't notice this!

“Mom?” I tried again, this time aiming for her head. And it only resulted in the same. My arm penetrated her head from one side and left her from the opposite side. I didn't sense anything around my arms, it was as if she wasn't physically there, even though I was able to see her!

This couldn't be true. Well, it indeed wasn't real, but that wasn't what I meant. All the efforts to save her and being alone with her and now this. I felt how my expression faltered, my brows knitted in despair and my jaw tightened in frustration. “Mom… Do you even hear me?” No response. She couldn't hear me? Not even that? “Why…?” I whispered to myself, utterly confused.

“You can’t touch her.”

Another voice. This time it was much softer, more familiar to me because he spoke in a way that I knew of him very well which made me recognize him without having to turn around to prove myself that it was him.

And also without having to look at him, I knew that it wasn't the Eren from before. This time it was the real Eren.

“Why?” Was the first thing that left my lips, my mind questioning nothing else than this one unsolved ask. “Why can’t I feel her skin under my hand? Why doesn't she hear me? Why is she neither talking to me nor in general? Why?!”

Why was I asking this Eren? As if he had the answers to my questions. That was impossible. There was no way that Eren had a clue about—

“You can’t interact with her; at least not yet.” He made a little pause, I didn't understand whether it was for him to find the right words for what he was going to say next or he told me with that pause to ask the question again. _Why?_ “You aren't at peace with your mother yet. There is something that is blocking you two. A hindrance coming from you, Levi.”

I honestly didn't understand, but the fact that he dared claiming I was at fault for something he couldn't comprehend in the first place (because it had nothing to do with him) made me slightly angered. “What the fuck are you talking there?! That’s nonsense! I’m not doing anything!” Even now I didn’t bother turning around to face him. Instead, I remained in my position, not taking my eyes off my mother.

“It must have hurt never having received the love especially a child needed the most. Right, Levi?”

My body tensed up a bit to this question. I had to resist this. Eren won’t succeed in making me express my vulnerable side, I wouldn’t allow that. I wasn't vulnerable, not anymore. I didn't have any insecurites, so it was a waste if Eren tried. His attempts were to no avail. “Yeah, it hurt.” I shouldn't continue talking to him or else… Then why was I doing this? It wasn't like I needed someone who understood me, right?

“So…?” Eren edged, not sounding impatient though.

“And…” And what? She hurt me with the lack of love I received from her, and— “And I hate her for that! I hate her!” It came out as a loud exclaim with so much anger in my voice, as though I was talking about something I detested the most, when in reality I was talking about my mom—the person who I actually would ever care about if… if I could. This time I looked at her with rage filling my eyes, and from one second to the other my desire to talk to her was replaced by hatred. Hatred for my own mother. Not once had I ever felt this feeling towards her explicitly.

“See? This is what I was talking about prior. This feeling, your hatred, is the barrier.” he stated in a matter-of-fact.

“She was my mother… but she beat me.” I justified my rage. “A mother doesn't beat her own child.”

“Think back of when she first started hitting you. Was she herself at that time? Did she hit you while she was sane and fully conscious when her abuse started?” Eren asked this in a neutral tone, as if he tried to defend my mother. The ridiculous thing was that he really did.

“She was an alcoholic. Most of the time, she was drunk when she hit me.” I retorted without any emotions clouding my voice. I felt empty and hollow, answering like a robot. Though, my mind wasn't completely off. I still thought rationally.

“Does alcohol change the behaviour of a person to the worse? Especially when it’s obsessive drinking?”

I didn’t answer to this.

“I take that as a yes?”

It might be true that Eren was right—at least partly. “Sometimes she’d beat me when she was sober.”

“Yes, and that’s where someone can’t and shouldn't accept, normalize or defend her actions because it was wrong.”

“So what?” I retorted, thinking of the other things that she did to me. “Do you think that’s all? I told you that she once abandoned me on the streets.”

“But why did she do that? Did you ask that yourself at least once? Remember what she was holding in her hands when she came back to pick you up.”

Defeated (once again!), I responded without the tone of my voice altering, “It was money.”

“Right. She had abandoned you for a while to go and sell her body. And to what purpose? To not let you starve. She was familiar with that and probably didn’t want to let you experience something like this. That she decided to leave you alone on the streets was totally irresponsible, but consider that she had to come up with something really fast and this was probably the only solution she had in mind at that moment, let us not forget that you two ended up homeless for a second time, but this time it was very unexpectedly. And let’s be honest here, it would have been awful for you and her if you had been watching her prostituting. On the other hand, it’s true that you’d already seen much worse things, but whoring was on a whole other level. Nevertheless, witnessing how one’s own mother gets beaten and witnessing how one’s own mother is having sex for money are both traumatizing for a child.”

There was something like a snort or a disapproving huff, or maybe it was a mixture of them, I reacted with. “What are you trying to tell me? That I should be glad that my mother let me go through one hell instead of two?! Well, practically it had still been two because not only her but also _I_ used to be abused as well!”

“Of course you had a hard time, I’m sure there are rarely people who had to go through the same shit you did, and I’m sorry f—”

“Spare your fucking apologies.” I snapped harshly, not being in the mood to be pitied by the brunet.

Eren didn't answer for a while, everything fell into complete silence which irritated me more than I would admit, but nevertheless I refused turning around to see what Eren was doing right now. Either he was speechless right now, which I hoped for, or he fell silent and waited until I would have calmed down again. Part of me told me that it was the latter and oh god how much I hated that part of me and even more did I hate it when Eren knew how he had to handle me.

On the one hand, it was something good if he knew enough about my attitude towards things, so that it shouldn't be any problem for him to handle my… special behaviour. He proved me more than once that he knew very well how to get me rid off my pissed-off attitude when I had a shitty day or moment. Most of the time something sexual was the answer, but not always.

On the other hand, this was at the same time evidence for how much I had already let him in in my life. It was a bad thing that Eren had so much knowledge about me, it was contradicing to the principles I had set for myself many years ago!

“Doesn't it hurt suffering like that?” Eren asked now, irking me, since to me this was the dumbest question he could ever ask.

“I’m not suffering.” I responded quickly and confidently, not showing any hesitation.

“You are,” Eren dared to claim, “It just isn't the normal kind of suffering.”

Now he was going too far—even beyond it.

My body swiveled around and it was now that I saw him for the first time. His whole physical appearance looked pale, the white aura coating him stressing the paleness of his whole figure. With fast and big steps, I approached him, my right hand already forming into a tightly wrenched fist, a grey pair of eyes piercing a glare through his orbs that seemed to hold nothing in them than that little spark of fearlessness and innocence.

When Eren was only an arm's length away from me, I halted and raised my fist, holding it in the air next to my face.

“Shut up.” The words slipped through my barely parted lips and they sounded like suppressed anger was filled up in my voice, and, in fact, there was nothing else I felt right now.

Eren talked too much already—too much bullshit. He didn’t know how much shit he was telling. I had to make him disappear! Yeah, this was my dream. I could just hit him and then he’d be gone.

Just… one punch.

My fist was shaking as I continued glaring at him, while he looked back at me with patient and expressionless eyes, no sign of fear nor did he plead for mercy.

Why wasn’t he scared of the fact that he was going to vanish in a few seconds?

He wasn't done talking, so why would he accept his fate?

This guy… Why was he like this to me? Why?!

I was physically prepared to give him the punch, I was really ready to do it… but…

But my mind didn't let me.

I couldn't hit him. I just couldn't do it. He didn’t deserve to get hit, no matter how much he was talking, that was no reason to do something like this to him. But despite of that, deep in my mind there was also something else that told me not to strike. It wasn't just that this would be practically physical abuse if I were to punch Eren… There was so much more, but I couldn't put the puzzled thoughts together to grasp what exactly it was that stopped me to go any further.

I knew now that there was no way that I would strike, but strangely enough I didn't want to lower my fist either. It remained there high in the air as it was, useless and in vain to be held high, though. Again I felt like I was in a freeze, my jaw tightened in distress and my facial features tensed up.

“What do you think is the meaning behind Kuchel’s last words to you?” Eren went on, breaking the silence which had seemed to have taken a fucking long time. “‘I’m sorry.’ These were the last words she uttered, or at least tried, when she died in front of your eyes. What do you think does this apology mean? Why did she apologize to you in the first place? Your guess?”  

“I don’t give a fuck!” I exclaimed, louder than expected. “I don’t care because I don’t care about her and her last words to me!”

“Don’t hate her, Levi.” Eren said in a soft voice, coming off more like that of a beg.

There was that little boost emerging from inside, which caused a part of me trying to push my persistent thoughts back that told me to hit in the last resort. But as fast as it had come, as fast it went away. It only resulted in me not having moved at all, everything that had been fighting inside me hadn't showed off on the exterior.

A little, very little, smile made its way to Eren’s lips and all I saw in his eyes now was genuine empathy. “She apologized to you because she didn't raise you the way a child needed to be raised. She apologized to you because she didn’t always treat you the way a child wanted to be treated by their mother. She apologized to you because she regretted not having been a good mother to you. She apologized to you because she couldn’t give you the love you needed as a child. Most of the time, she loved you. She loved you, but she was never able to express that love to you.”

It was as if an invisible wave flooded through my body, starting from my feet, it ascended upwards, being the most sensitive as it ran up my spine until it reached my head. The feeling was similar to goosebumps, but this was more intense and I hadn't any goosebumps. My whole body tingled and it sensed like something was changing inside me.

“T-That’s…” This was all that made it past my lips, my mind a mess and my body stilled in place.

Eren lowered his eyes to the ground for one second before they were at me again, his smile still the same. “Don’t get me wrong, Levi. I’m not defending your mother for the bad things she did to you. The fact that she used to abuse you for a certain amount of time is cruel and awful. No one can deny that and no one can say anything good to it. Kuchel was certainly not the best mother, but… but I refuse to believe that she was the worst mother. There were so many things that dragged her down in life, making it hard for her to survive in those slums, day in and day out. On top of that, she had you; a son she needed to feed and take care of. Perhaps it wasn't her wish to become a mother, especially not when she was a prostitute, but things don’t always go the way one wants them to be. And think of the time you spent with her. The bad and the good times. She didn't abandon you completely, you stayed by her side instead of dying from hunger on the streets, she didn't let you starve or freeze when sometimes you two were homeless, and I’m pretty sure that she never liked or enjoyed hurting you. She saved you when her last lover had tried to burn your arm, and it’s devastating that she had to pay with her life. But most importantly…“

No… Shut up. I didn’t want to hear any more. This didn’t and won’t change anything in me, he can’t prove me different from what I’ve already learnt about the past.

My mother hated me, didn't want me, and in the end I felt the same about her.

“Most of the time, she loved you. She loved you because you were everything she had. She had to go through many hardships, but she didn't give up because there was a little human being, her own flesh and blood, she did all this for. Her own needs were always second place because you mattered more, but in the end she died, regretting. Don’t hate her. Because she’s already hating herself the most. She’s hating herself because she wasn't able to secure you a decent life, full of affection and care. She’s hating herself because she never accomplished being a good mother to you who would take care of her child with deep love. You loved her, and she loved you back. You just weren't able to see it, and this was not your fault.”

That odd feeling visited me again and this time it felt like my body was close to being torn; figuratively and literally. I couldn't take this anymore and all I wanted was for my dream to end.

But, actually, I was glad that my wish didn't come true.

Because else I wouldn't have experienced by my own how Kuchel was wrapping her arms around me now, taking me into a tight hug as she pressed her head on mine and started crying.

I didn’t waste a second to turn to her and hug her back immediately, my mind not having processed completely yet that I was finally able to touch her. “Mom!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” she repeated the words in a mantra, sobs breaking her voice now and then. “I’m sorry, Levi.”

I didn’t respond, holding her in my arms like I had never done before, letting everything go on as it was. Nothing else mattered right now, nothing else was more important to me than having the chance to hold my mother, even if it was only a dream. Dream wasn't reality, but dream wasn't nonexistence either. Since it was impossible for me to hug my mother in reality, it meant everything for me to do so in my dream.

Because I had that weird feeling that this was the one and only time I dreamt a dream like this one.

Mom went on crying, not letting go of me, and I didn’t part from her either. She was crying because of me, so I should cry, too, right?

Then why wasn't I crying?

There was nothing. Nothing inside me that would tell me I was going to cry any moment. I didn’t feel as though tears would leak from my eyes soon. How could I not cry in a situation like this? Nothing. Nothing would come out.

_What had I done to myself?!_

This was when I realized that what I had done to myself in order to not get hurt again was something grave. The whole time I had been okay with it, hadn’t complained about the change I went through, but now that I was witnessing myself being unable to show any feelings towards my mother…

But on the other hand… I couldn’t have known that I would ever have to do that, so after that I should be alright and continue life as ever, right?

I didn’t have to feel, right?!

Because there was no need for me to do that!

There was no need to…

Eren…

No need…

At least I was able to sort everything out with mom. “I’m sorry, mom.” Even if I didn’t cry back, I expressed at least something with the embrace. As we stayed close like that for several minutes, I listened to her cries silently and when the time had come where her body started to fade gradually, I accepted it without objections, her cries echoing in this big space, even after she was already gone.

Looking at my now empty arms, I stayed like that for a few seconds before I raised my head to the top.

_Rest in peace, mom._

I hope she would rest peacefully now. That was what she deserved because…

She wasn't a bad person.

“Are you crying?” Eren asked after a while.

I shook my head slowly as I lowered it at the same time, standing still before I turned to face Eren again.

“Wanna hear something I’m guessing right now?” he said, even chuckling lightly. He then tapped his temple as both of his brows raised. “Most of the things, if not even everything, I explained to you just now were actually things you knew beforehand, am I right? Maybe you can’t think of everything in detail, but they are there, right? I’m sure you didn’t let those thoughts develop and grew, and oppressed them instead. And I’m certain this happened a long time ago, so that there was no way that, now that you’ve matured and grown up, you’d ever consider dealing with your past by weighing the positive and negative aspects you were confronted with back then.”

Listening to this, made everything seem surreal. Eren wasn’t actually the usual Eren, none of his feelings interfered in his argumentation, he was speaking in a neutral and analyzing manner, and to be honest I was quite astonished that there was this side of him. At rare times, Eren wasn't led by his feelings.

But what if…

I mean…

Who and what gave me the assurance that the guy standing in front of me was…?

“You’re probably right.” I answered, for once I didn’t get mad at him for accusing me of something. After all, he was probably right.

His hands were at his sides now as his expression became sincere. “Do you know what the worst of the worst is?”

My brows arched in slight confusion, but I remained silent to his question. I had no clue where he was going off to with that question.

“You didn't only suppress your feelings and specific thoughts. The fact that you oppressed those two things resulted in another one,” He made a little pause, his face not altering as he eventually said, “You suppressed part of yourself.” My eyes widened. “Right now you’re living a life in which you are rejecting a part of yourself.”

I fell in yet another state of freeze, these few words of him had enough power to make me unable to move or speak.

Eren noticed my uneasiness, smiling right away. “Don’t worry. This can be changed.” He made a step forward, his hands behind his back as he shrugged his shoulders lazily and stood on his toes for a short moment, falling back to his position with a giggle. He seemed so carefree and childish and optimistic. Where did he take all the courage from? “There is no need for you anymore to lock your feelings up. Past won’t repeat itself.”

The question to this was wandering around my mind, but my lips didn't feel like speaking my thoughts out loud, staying closed stubbornly.

_‘How can you know that past won’t repeat itself anymore?’_ was what I wanted to say.

How can you know? How can you know? How can you know?!

“You should have figured this out the instant you began living with your foster family. From what I’ve seen, all of them – Richard, Cassie, Farlan and Isabel – seem to be very nice. They didn't hurt you ever, did they?”

No, they didn’t.

Even if I wasn't answering verbally, Eren understood me. “And Erwin and Hanji, your closest friends, have never hurt you either, right?”

No, they didn't, either.

“I’m not blaming you for not having realized this, there are obvious reasons for that, so that’s why I want and am going to tell you this.” His face brightened and he looked me deep in the eyes when the next words were uttered. “People don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

The pace of my heartbeat changed as I felt like moving again, and breathed in deeply and breathed out the same way. Again and again and again, Eren had been able to throw me off guard, telling me things I thought I had already abandoned, but Eren had attempted and succeeded in convincing me that they were worth considering.

He gave meanings to everything I had already given up.

My jaw was tense at first, but after a bit of internal struggle, I managed to form a really faint smile. “Why are you even helping me, brat?”

Eren smiled to my question. His grin was wide and bright, blissful and genuine.

There was no other person whose smile I’d like to see more than his.

I curved up the edges of my lips a bit more, raising one arm towards him. All I wanted to do now was to scoot him closer to me and hold him close to my body. The least he deserved right now was a hug.

My heart skipped a beat in horror when my fingers, that were supposed to grace Eren’s neck and pull him to me, didn’t find a hold on his skin and went through it instead. My hand stilled inside Eren’s throat and I was able to see my fingers there.

This was bad. This was really bad. It didn't mean anything good that I wasn't able to touch Eren!

“Eren…?” I breathed with a voice as low as possible and horrifed—like a prey who was going to be eaten by their hunter.

It was the same as with Kuchel. I couldn't touch her at first, too, but afterwards I was able to.

But why was it the case with Eren?

What…?

Don’t tell me…?!

The brunet was totally unmoved by this, continuing to talk as if everything was alright, when in fact nothing was okay! “You and I know now that you never received your mother’s love and it’s not within my power to evaluate whether it can or was replaced by Cassie’s love. I think she gave you some sort of motherly love, but I doubt that you accepted her as your real mother. In other words, the hole inside you that you were left with after your mother died was never filled, maybe just a little bit. As I said before, I can’t say that. This hole will always stay there, I guess, but I also think that one can seal it. This sounds confusing right now…“ He scratched the back of his head, smiling insecurely, “What I want to say is that when something goes the wrong way, then there’s always a second time and a second chance. I personally think that not everyone and everything deserves a second chance, but you deserve one, and you should appreciate and make use of it.”

What was he saying there? I couldn't tell whether I was grasping anything at all or I was interpreting his words the very wrong way.

There was his smile again, but this time it wasn't as powerful as his prior smile. “Do you want to love and be loved?”

Those words repeated in my head over and over again, keeping my mind too busy to give an answer. And before I had the chance to reply, I saw how Eren’s smile dropped and his face saddened instantly. First it was quivering shoulders, then sobs, and then there were tears streaming down his face. His hands covered his eyes as he cried loudly.

“Eren?” I wanted to do something, calm him down, but how when I couldn't even have him in my arms. I had to bear with him crying right in front of me and I wasn't able to do anything. What I hadn't expected at all, though, was how all of a sudden his whole body shattered like glass, little pieces of reflecting material flying around in the air now, causing a windy breeze. “Eren!”

The worst was…

Eren was gone.

And then I felt a squeeze inside my chest, the pain forced me to my knees. I began to breath heavily as the pain grew, making it hard for me to take breaths. I clutched my chest as my other hand propped my body up, though shaking madly. The breaths I released now were ragged and cracky, my expression distorted in achingful pain.

I looked forward for one last time, spotting someone else now who was standing right in front of me.

It was my younger self.

My vision was already blurry and my senses began to feel numb, but I was still able to listen to the words he told me. It was a nonchalant tone he spoke with, but hidden behind it lay concern. “Don’t destroy yourself any more than you have already.”

My body fell forward and my eyes closed.

_Blackness._

I woke up with a loud gasp, having to take deep breaths to calm my racing heart down, being disorientated at first. My head spun while I was trying to figure out where I was.

My room.

I had slept with my head resting on my arms which were propped on the desk. It was the same position as when I first lay there yesterday and now I realized that when I had closed my eyes to rest a bit, I actually fell asleep.

The first thing that came to my mind as soon as I was able to think normally again was my dream and how strange and vivid it had been. I had never dreamt something as overwhelming as this and it still made me feel weird about all this.

The thing that occupied my mind the most, though, was the fact that there was still that stingy pain inside my chest. Yes, my chest still hurt, but luckily it wasn't as bad as in my dream. And somehow that ache and my common sense told me that I had to take action before it would be too late— whatever _‘it’_ was. I didn't know exactly what I had to do, but the first thing that came to my mind was Eren. And when I thought about him, the pain worsened for that one moment.

I had to do something now or else…

Or else it would be too late.

I stood up quickly and forwarded to the door. What if something had happened to him? After all, in my dream, he…

As I had reached the floor now and was about to head to Eren’s room, my body halted abruptly when my eyes caught something moving next to the front door.

It wasn't something, it was Eren.

My gaze flicked to that certain spot, glancing at Eren who was putting his jacket on.

A confused expression featured my face. “Eren?”

The brunet didn't startle or jump, instead his face switched to my side very slowly and the sight I was met with was heartbreaking. Eren’s face looked really pale and exhausted, life had left his eyes that were usually sparkling in joy and anticipation. His hair was messier than ever and overall he looked like a lost puppy who had no strength left.

“Gotta get going.” he only said, his voice weak and raspy.

“Where to?” The words left my mouth without me controlling them.

“My parents’ house. I’ll stay there for a while.” He wanted to go away? That wasn't like him, not after what he had done yesterday. I had rather expected of him to keep fighting. “I’m tired.” he added, smiling; it was a smile that told stories of loss and sorrow.

Seeing him like this, listening to what he was saying and considering everything that happened so far, I was pretty much certain that Eren wasn't talking about physical fatigue.

So I dug deeper with my questions. “Of what?”

He frowned, not meeting eyes with me. “Of everything. I’m tired of trying.”

His face was telling already that he had given up trying. I was the reason.

Instead of arguing, I watched him open the door, facing me one last time. He saw deep into my eyes with those lifeless eyes he wore and right at this time listening to his voice established an uncomfortable atmosphere and feeling. “Have a nice life, Levi.”

_No._

“I really mean it.” he finished.

_Don’t imitate my words._

I didn't want to hear this.

And then the door shut close and I was left alone in the apartment.

Those words…

Those were Eren’s final words to me. It was his goodbye. He broke up with me forever and didn't intend to see me ever again.

He gave up trying, and thought leaving would be the best.

I had been the one who had decided that leaving him would be the only solution, but now the tables had turnt. Eren left me before I could do it.

Shouldn't I be relieved now?

He was gone which meant that I hadn't had to worry anymore. This should actually be a release to me, but I didn’t feel like that at all.

There was that ache in my chest again, stinging excruciangly. The same pain as in my dream when Eren splittered into thousands of broken pieces. It hurt because he wasn't there anymore.

No, this didn't feel right at all.

I sprinted through the door and outside, hoping that Eren hadn't made it that far yet. When I was finally outside, I realized that it was around late evening and considering that it was October, darkness had already taken over daylight. The next thing I was met with inevitably was the rain, splashing onto the ground. My hair and clothes were wettened right away, but right now I didn't give a fuck about this.

Fortunately, I was able to spot Eren very fast. He was walking on the side road and it was easy to find him because the street lights emitted enough to dive the streets in a dim light. Also, Eren was the only person far and wide. I ran up to Eren, who was walking slowly, coming to an halt when we were a few feet away.

“Don’t go!” I shouted.

He stopped in his tracks. The next words stuck in my throat, and it stayed like that for a while. Eren waited for me to go on talking, but how should I do that when my lips didn't form the sentences I wanted to say.

As the rain drops covered us wholely, I attempted to settle down in order to not fuck this up.

I had only one chance.

“Don’t leave me!” This time Eren turned around. Even though his face was coated in water from the rain, I could see very clearly that there were tears falling from his eyes as he bit down onto his bottom lip. “Please…” I whispered.

Even if I didn’t grasp everything of the dream I had just now, there was one thing I knew for sure: I knew that letting Eren go now would be a mistake I would regret. I wasn't allowed to let him go because that would be a choice I would regret the most.

I have come to realize that, and all I hoped now was that it wasn't too late already.

“Don’t leave me, Eren! Please! I won’t endure it if you go now!” When we first parted, it hadn't felt as hurtful as right now, but even back then, it had left me with a weird feeling. I had ignored that feeling, not knowing that it had been there because of Eren being gone. And when I had been trying to bring him back, only having that one reason in mind, I had probably not noticed how inwardly there had been actually more of why I wanted, _needed_ , him back.

And right now I felt it thoroughly and deeply. And it hurt like hell.

“Don’t leave…” I begged as anxiety filled my eyes. There was something boiling up inside me, but I couldn't tell what the meaning behind it was.

All I cared about now was to take Eren back. And this time I didn't mean to take him back as my fuck buddy.

“E-Even after everything you’ve done to me,” he spoke, his voice occasionally failing and croaking, “you dare say this to me?” It sounded as though he was reproaching and scolding me, hell, it would even count as making fun of me. I probably deserved being ridiculed by him because he was right.

He was right, I had done bad things to him. After the incidents that happened when I had been living with my mother, I never wanted to get or be hurt again. Over the years, I did my best at showing as less emotions as possible. I didn't know that in order to keep shut towards other people, there was the possibility of hurting others because of who I was and how I behaved. Eren was the first person I hurt really much without realizing that during our time as fuck buddies. He told me that he loved me over and over again. But since I couldn't and didn't want to understand his feelings, I never cared about them. I was unable to realize how much I meant to him. That he had to endure so much—my careless treatment of him, my indifference towards him, me using his body only for pleasure purposes. I hurt him so much.

In order to not get myself hurt ever again, I hurt Eren.

Eren had cried in my dream because I hurt him when he was trying to receive some love from me.

“I hurt you, and this cannot be made undone.”

He pressed his lips together, continuing to cry silently, though he didn’t take his eyes off me.

“I’ve hurt you so much, I know that now.” My feelings were… “I j-just wanted to protect myself, I never intended to make you suffer on purpose.”

He didn't answer, frowning at me.

“I didn’t even know that you were suffering because of me.”

His frown didn’t soften.

An annoyed ‘tch’ rose from my throat, though I wasn't really mad at Eren. But when I uttered the next things, they were an exclaim. “Fuck, how should I have even known?! I don’t know anything about love! And initially I never wanted to deal with it anyway! But now I’m thinking differently!”

Eren was trembling in his place, as though he was debating whether to listen to this anymore or leave already.

“Show me your love because this time I want to notice and appreciate them! Teach me how to love, tell me what couples do and do all those things with me! I want to do them together with you!” My throat was already dry from all this shouting and I had to catch my breath. Eren still didn't show any reaction. “I’m honest here…”

This was probably the most desperate moment I was in, and the worst was that I didn't want to face loss. I didn’t want to lose because it would mean that I was letting something go that was the source of light to my dark life. I didn’t want to let Eren go, he was the only one who I was willing to trust fully, who I would tell how I was feeling and who I would open up to again and again, and I wouldn’t feel worried about it. I knew now that he wouldn't hurt me. When I told him everything about me, he didn’t judge me. He wasn't disgusted by me—a person who had seen ugliness in its worst shape. He loved me when I had been harsh to him, he continuing loving me when I hurt him even more, and he didn't stop loving me when he found out about the real me.

I could show him my true self and trust him because I came to realize that he wouldn't hate me, judge me, hurt me.

He wouldn't do any of those things because this was the way he was.

“I want to change! I don’t want to live this life anymore! I want to change because of you! Change me! Make me a better person! Help me feel again!” Now I was letting out everything that came to my mind, not thinking twice of it.

That stubborn brat with that messy brown hair and those fucking gorgeous emerald eyes. That brat whose name was Eren Yeager. I wanted to spend my life with him, and only him.

And right at this very moment, for the first time since forever, I sensed how there was something bursting out inside me and then my vision went blurry and wetness accumulated in my eyes.

“I love you!” I had taken a deep breath before I screamed this at Eren and when the air was pushed out of my lungs and I was about to breath in again, there were really tears streaming down my face. “I want to say that to you and really mean it!”

The tears became more, staining my cheeks as they fell unrestrainedly. I hadn’t cried for so long now, I was too overtaken by this feeling that I didn't know what to do. My whole body was trembling, the feelings were too much for me, and no matter how many times I wiped the tears off my face, they wouldn't stop falling down from my eyes.

I blinked several times in order to be able look at Eren. He was still staying where he was. “Eren, please…”

Was it too late already…? Didn’t he believe in a future anymore?

Didn’t he want to try anymore because he thought every hope was gone?

But the Eren from my dream believed in a second chance!

It wasn’t too late yet!

There was one thing left that I hadn’t said yet. One thing… seven words… my last hope.

“I want to love and be loved!”

It was like a pain in the ass waiting for any kind of reaction coming from Eren, I waited anxiously, and when time passed in which nothing happened which led to the conclusion that I shouldn’t hope anymore… That little moment of despair died the instant I spotted _it_.

A smile. _Eren’s smile._

His frown had loosened and changed into a little smile, but it was enough for me. It was as if weight fell from my chest when I saw how Eren was crying and smiling at the same time, running at me. And the only thing I did was to spread my arms and give him the embrace both of us needed, and before I realized it I was already on my knees, having pulled Eren down with me. “Eren!”

I cried waterfalls.

\- - -

**Eren’s POV**

There was nothing that could describe how incredibly happy and relieved I was right now. Hope visited me again, now that I knew that miracles really exist.

Maybe it wasn't a miracle but fate.

That Levi awakened the hope which I had already given up was fate.

I had been believing in that hope until I realized that it was a waste, but it was Levi who made me have faith again.

I didn't quite understand why Levi changed his mindset in a matter of a day, but I was glad that he did. Me forcing him wouldn't have brought me anywhere, I experienced that by myself only yesterday.

_‘I want to love and be loved!’_

I believed you. I believe you, and I trusted you!

I will make you feel again, Levi. Trust me, as much as I trust you.

I love you.

“I’m sorry!” he cried on my shoulders, holding me tightly as if his life depended on it. “I’m sorry, Eren!”

It stunned me how much he was letting out, crying as though there was no tomorrow left, as though this was his last breath.

But at the same time I understood.

I understood that he couldn't control his emotions, and why.

He wasn’t crying for this one moment. His emotions had broken through the cage he had built up years ago. He was releasing the emotions he had locked up for so long.

Those were tears held back for so many years.

Even if this must hurt, I was proud of Levi.

For some reason he understood that suppressing his feelings wasn't the right thing. I was pretty sure that it felt relieving to him, now that he didn't have to oppress something as natural as emotions.

“It’s okay, Levi. Cry as much as you need to.” I whispered in encouragement, threading my fingers into his hair, my own tears still flooding down my cheeks.

That he had this emotional moment right now was only natural. After all, like everyone else, Levi was a human being. All he wanted now was to feel like every other human.

Having feelings, sensing and expressing them was what made a human humane.

For that he had to let his feelings control a part of him again. I wanted to make him reach that goal. Feeling something wasn't something bad, he needed to understand this, and I was willing to make him understand.

“I’m so happy, Levi. I love you.”

From now on, things would only get better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wahhhhhhhhhh! It’s finally happened!! Eren and Levi have finally become a couple! *^*
> 
> This chapter is a chapter that means a lot to me. I did my best at writing it, and I chose the words Eren and Levi are saying wisely. The dream has a really deep meaning, and let me tell you that there isn't only one right interpretation to it, so in the end it’s up to you to find out its meaning.
> 
> My personal favourite part is the part where Levi started crying omg! T^T (I cried with him!)
> 
> I think the biggest gift for me would be feedback! Please comment what you think of this chapter! I’m open for praise, questions, constructive criticism, tell me what you liked/disliked/agree/disagree with and so on!
> 
> I really want to know how you feel after reading this!


	28. Eren and Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao look who’s back with a very belated update. No, I wasn't on another hiatus lol
> 
> But first of all: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR NICE COMMENTS ON THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER! THEY MADE MY DAY AND NIGHT AND THEY BROUGHT ME TO TEARS! IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CRIED BECAUSE I CRIED THE MOST!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I’M GLAD I COULD SATISFY AND PLEASE LITERALLY EVERYONE WITH THAT CHAPTER! *^*
> 
> Okay, now to the reason why I didn't update for so long. It’s very simple.
> 
> I worked on another fic.
> 
> A two-shot. I had started writing it after the update of the last chapter and I knew that it would keep busy for at least one week. I mean only the first chapter. Well… What was originally supposed to be a 5k-7k long chapter turned out to be fucking 25k+ long omfg. In other words, I spent one month mostly on my other fic and it is still not finished ugh
> 
> Anyway, here I am again and I hope I’ll be able to update more regularly in the next few weeks. University is going to start for me soon, I have to get as much chapters done as possible.
> 
> Speaking of which… Yay! This story is already over 100k+ words long! I’m so happy. And the end of the my fanfiction is still so far away.
> 
> Oh, yeah another thing: I know, everyone is happy that Eren and Levi have finally become a couple, but please _do not_ underestimate the second half of the story and even worse DO NOT underestimate me as the author of this fanfiction. Just because they’re together now, it doesn't mean that there aren't any problems left anymore because... (⊙▽⊙✿) (You all should know by now that I am not a writer who writes cliché-ic stories) Trust me, nothing is close to end yet. There’s still sooooo much to come! I wonder if I’m as good at writing fluff as I am with angst lol
> 
> Um, I’m not done talking. In this chapter there’s the question what Eren would have done if Levi hadn't stopped him from going. We all know that he was a very unstable person when he left the apartment, but there won’t be a clear answer given. I left the question open for you, as the readers, to evaluate for yourself. There’s like… a tiny hint to what would have happened to Eren, though it’s barely noticable in the story, but I wanted it like that. Either you decide whether Eren would have recovered from everything, get depressed or suicidal or whatever, or you read very closely and find out what my answer is. It would have been very interesting for me to write that short alternative ending, but it’s not relevant to this story, so I won’t.
> 
> Ehhh… Enjoy this chapter!

**Eren's POV**

_Warmth._

That was the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up from a sleep that had felt so relieving and relaxing and tender since what felt like eternity. The second thing I noticed was the hug I was embraced with-so comfortably tight and fond and it gave me a feeling of safety, as though this was where I belonged. In his arms.

Smiling lightly to myself, I snuggled my head into his chest, breathing deeply, taking in his scent. He mostly smelled of shampoo and newly washed clothes, since we had taken a shower together yesterday. In between the water stream and the white fluffy foam there had been kisses, and I think I had been crying even then, releasing tears of utter joy and love.

My nose nuzzled even deeper into the fabric of his shirt, staying like that, as if in never ever wanting to let go of him. Never ever.

Then I felt fingers combing through my hair, stroking my locks softly. I closed my eyes as I fell into the touch that was so little, but it was everything to me right now. I appreciated even a little gesture like that because it came from the person who normally wouldn't do that, and this was why I loved it even more. Because I was the one who was touched by him so tenderly, I felt so special.

I didn't want to let go of him ever again. Never ever.

Despite of all the scent of soap on his skin and an even intenser scent on his clothes, I was still able to take in the undescribable, unique scent of him that calmed me down.

My head backed up a bit, so that my mouth was free from any fabric. "You're already awake?" I asked Levi in a voice that came off as sweet.

"Yeah." he simply answered. "I don't sleep that much."

"What were you doing the whole time?" A little pink colour made its way to my cheek, all because there was that little part in my mind that told me that he was going to say something that would obviously make me blush and feel flustered. So my body thought it would be a better idea to blush, even though he Levi hadn't said any words yet. I couldn't control it.

"I watched you sleeping." Levi eventually said.

The redness in my face was totally justified.

I adjusted my head onto the crook of his neck, laying there like that for a while. No words needed to be exchanged. Levi's breath was even and calm, and so was mine. We didn't break the silence, enjoying the peaceful moment to the fullest, especially I was appreciating it because this was what I needed the most right now.

After all these weeks, after all these happenings, I had no energy left to and recovering next to the person who meant everything to me was all I wanted.

I didn't know how much time passed in which Levi and I layed on the bed, his fingers occasionally tracing the skin on my neck, shoulder and arm feathery as I rested on his chest, a content smile decorating my facial features. It remained like that for a long time, and to be honest I didn't want it to come to an end. The thought of laying in bed together with Levi for one whole day sounded so pleasant to me, especially when there couldn't be any more opportune moment.

But eventually I sat up, and Levi shifted, too. I positioned myself on his lower thighs as Levi scooted back until his back reached the bed post, pillows cushioning his waist. His arms snaked around my hips and he brought my body closer to his; the whole time his eyes were locked with mine. While I had shot him a smile, he was looking at me with an expression that was hard to figure. He wasn't smiling, but he wasn't frowning either.

Levi's fingers curled interlaced behind my back. "Mornin'," he murmured in an easy-going way.

The curve of my lips deepened and my hands wandered up on his arms until they reached his neck, wrapping around them. "Morning." I answered back, sighing in content.

His thumbs were making circles on my top and that soothing movement eased me pleasantly. Both of us wore only boxers and a top. There was a little silence in which no one of us said anything at all, it was me who gave Levi a view of an always-smiling brunet while I was faced with a raven who didn't really express anything right now. But I didn't mind. I liked our moment, even if it had mostly been spent in quiet.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, slight concern hidden in his voice.

My smile didn't falter as I retorted, "I'm feeling very well."

"Are you sure?"

This time my face altered to that one of confusion, my brows creasing ever so lightly. "Yeah, why shouldn't I be sure about that? I'm fine. Really." This wasn't a lie, was it? I mean, yesterday I had been a total wreck, all hopes given up and ready to drown in my sorrow, but I didn't have that feeling that I felt like this anymore. I didn't have to worry anymore... because I had Levi by my side.

"Well, it was only two days ago when Sayo..." Levi paused, choosing another way to explain his worries, "No one can and has to get over with such a... _miserable_ incident right away. Not after a few days and especially not alone. Eren, please don't pretend. You don't have to. Be honest with me. Do you... Do you perhaps feel like you need therapy to handle it?"

I didn't answer immediately, nothing than an almost quiet "Oh." escaping my lips when I slowly figured out what Levi was talking about in the first place. He was the most worried about me because an old man had almost raped me. This was what concerned him the most. My mental health.

To be quite frank, I hadn't thought about that thing with Sayo anymore. Not after the things that had happened after. The things Levi told me about himself, my desperate attempt to convince him that he was feeling love and finally his wish that he wanted to love were literally the only things that had had my mind occupied over the time. If he hadn't brought up that topic again, I would have most likely forgotten about it to some extent.

Now I saw that Levi's eyes weren't completely undefinable anymore, he was worried, and all I wanted to do right now was to take that deep concern away from him. "I don't need a therapy." His expression didn't change, as though I hadn't been bery convincing. I cocked my head slightly, my fingers caressing his undercut now. "I'm honest. I'll be fine, _without_ psychological help." There was still that little bit of doubt left on his face and I had to think for a few seconds before my brain came up with something. Edging closer to him, our faces inches apart now, I gave Levi a puppy look. "How about you become my therapy?"

His expression was replaced by irritation. "Me?"

"Yes." I rested my head on his chest, at the same time listening to his heart beat as I drew circles with my fingers on his clothed skin. I sighed before I went on. "I'm sure I can forget everything about Sayo when I am with you." I raised my head again, watching him expectant eyes.

Levi furrowed his brows, his head turning to the side very slightly, his eyes narrowed as he asked warily, "You don't mean sex, do you?"

An amused huff left my lips as I shook my head, giggling lowly before one hand of mine caressed his cheek. Levi looked a bit mad now and I swear one could see how his lips were forming something that was close to count as a pout. "No. Sex isn't everything."

As I continued petting his cheek, Levi spoke again. Lowering his gaze in an understanding way. "You're right." A little pause. "Cigarettes are important, t—"

"Levi."

"Okay, fine." He rolled his eyes, averting his gaze to the side, releasing a heavy breath. And there was that little pout again, but not without knitted brows and those two together made an expression that let him look so cute. I think I knew why he said that. He hadn't smoked for at least one whole day and for him, as a smoker, this was a long time. Levi was probably just urging a cigarette. I would make sure that he was going to stop smoking. After all, I had managed to almost succeed once; it can work a second time as well. But now was not the time to think about that.

Another little breathy laugh rose from my throat before I went on. "What I mean is that you can help me forget. Together we can replace those bad memories with more beautiful ones. You and I can now spent so much time together, and I love that idea." I took one of Levi's hands in mine and let our fingers entwine. "We're a couple now, you know?"

A petite smile formed on his lips, barely noticable, but I spotted it and it was enough for me. The stare we held was deep and strong, and I had that weird feeling that Levi was looking at me with whole different eyes now.The greyness in his orbs weren't as cold and piercing anymore as they used to when he had been giving me casual looks. Also, his face didn't seem to be so tensed anymore. He didn't have to keep up a mask in front of me anymore. The emotionlessness and indifference in his face was gone.

Just staring at him made me think of all these things and I couldn't do anything against that—not that I wanted to, anyway. My fingers ran from the top of his hair to the bottom of his undercut, resting on the back of his neck then.

This was when I realized that, in the end, I was so lucky to have someone like Levi by my side. He was a human being with flaws, like everyone else, and all he wanted was to be loved—despite of his flaws. He probably didn't know that yet, but this was something everyone sought—consciously and subconsciously. In Levi's case it was the latter. He used to have a very rough time and because of him there was a period of time in which he made my life a mess, too... But together we would be able to overcome everything harmful and live a life in content and love.

He wasn't perfect... and I wasn't perfect.

_'Isn't that what makes a human a human? Having flaws!'_

My head snapped when those words flashed through my mind—sounding so familiar to me. With creased brows, I tried to remember what the context of this was and – most importantly – who had said that, but before I could go too far with my train of thoughts, Levi interrupted me, tearing me from my intense pondering.

"What is it?" he asked, one brow raised.

My thoughts were forgotten and as soon as I saw him in the face, I remembered again how peaceful and calm our current moment was. There was no space left for secondary things. "Nothing." I eventually answered, giving him a reassuring smile. I cupped his face with both of my hands as I said with sincerity and fondness in my voice, "I'm just so so _so_ happy."

My thumbs stroked the spot right under his eyes before I let go of his face, my hands lingering on his hips now. "Oh, man," Levi sighed heavily, running a flat hand through his hand. "I can't believe it. Yesterday. It still seems so unreal to me. It's hard for me to believe that I really did say all those things to you yesterday."

"But it's true." I took his hand and kissed his palm softly. "Everything had really happened. Everything was real."

_Otherwise we wouldn't be here, together, sharing a bed, talking._

_**I** wouldn't be here._

"I had cried," Levi went on, huffing as though this was something unbelievable for him, "When was the last time I cried? I think it was shortly after Kenny took me in. He would always scold me when I started to sob after failing at one of his fighting lessons."

"You have a really good memory."

"I know." He spaced out for a moment before his face changed to a distressed one. He spit out the next words without pausing, gradually talking faster. "I shouldn't have cried. This wasn't right. Crying is for the weak. I'm not weak. I'm not weak anymore. I didn't practice only to be seen as a weakling in the end. I went through many shits, but I didn't break. I shouldn't have broken yesterday either. This was wrong! Don't take anything I did yesterday seriously!"

"Hey, Levi, look at me." I hold his face in my hand again, forcing him to look at me. He was breathing loudly by now, his eyes widened. He was obviously too stressed and overstrained and confused about himself, which had let him to panic and, even worse, have a little anxiety attack. "Calm down. Breath in slowly and breath out slowly." I instructed in a calm voice, bringing our foreheads to touch.

"Eren," he breathed out, embracing my waist firmly. "Don't go."

"I won't go anywhere. I'll stay here with you."

Levi did as I said and soon his breathing was calm again. I placed my palm over his chest, sensing that his heart was still beating faster than normal. With a soothing voice, I whispered, "Everything you did and say yesterday was right. You did nothing wrong. You weren't weak. You didn't cry because you were weak."

"Then _why_ did I start crying?" The fast pace of his heart beat decreased.

"You started crying because you finally released your feelings."

"What?"

"You don't have to struggle anymore. You're freed from the pain now."

"What pain?"

"The invisible pain that hindered you to feel the things a human needed to feel. The major emotions that make you a whole as a human being and that fulfill your heart's desires."

"You mean love?"

"Yes—but not only. You will see that not everything is going to be as indifferent to you as they used to. It is inevitable that there are going to be things that will move you, overwhelm you, and you have to accept that. Don't go back to your former attitude. Don't shield yourself from anything that effects your life positively." His heart was pumping at a normal pace again and I retreated my hand and face, but not before I kissed his cheek fondly, showing him with that that everything was alright. "You told me you want to feel again."

"I'm not that sure about that anymore. Actually I'm not sure about anything. I don't know if I really want... _changes_."

"Not everything is bad for you." Levi listened to me attentively, insecurity still written over his face, and it was my goal to make his doubts disappear. "Love isn't bad either."

"My childhood proved me the exact opposite."

"What you had to witness wasn't love. Nothing that those men did to your mother was out of love. It was pure abuse."

"What about my mom? She didn't love me. She abused me, too."

"You told me that she started abusing you when she'd become an alcoholic. A drunk mother is never the best mother. You were talking to me about the few good times you had with her before everything went down in her and your life. I think you were loved by her really much when you were still so young. Perhaps she never told you that, I don't know, but when she began hurting you, I don't think it was because she detested you and saw nothing more in you than a useless burden. Do you believe that a mother, who once loved her child endearly, can erase those feelings completely? I refuse to believe that." I lowered my eyes, an empathetic expression stretching over my face. "If you were to ask me, I guess that Kuchel was practically forced to live a life she never wanted, but she couldn't do anything against that, too. Obviously she didn't choose to live in the slums, but this was the world she was born into. And she did everything to survive, even if it meant to sell her own body. And the men she had to deal with were the reason she had to suffer. Those guys were the source of her money, so she had to do what they wanted her to do. They dragged her even more down to that ugly life that was nothing more than people using women's body, drinking, smoking, abuse and whatesoever. Most of the time, your mother had probably disliked the idea of having to deal with her own child, but it was most likely only because she had wished a better life for you, but couldn't grant you with it. It was a vicious circle; Kuchel was stuck in a world of ugliness and wanted to escape, but couldn't and thus she had to play along with these men that were her "lovers". It was a matter of 'survive or die' all along, and this destroyed her—especially mentally. That she hit you was a result of her inability to protect you _and_ herself. It may be true that she hadn't been able to show and give you the affection a child needed, but – just like you – she had been a victim, too. I'm sure that her one and only wish would have been to secure you a better life. Because you are Levi—her son. Mothers are always like that. They value the lives of their children more than their own ones and they always put the lives of their children above their own ones. The way Kuchel had done it wasn't the best one, but you can't say that she didn't try. She tried, and she did her best. She gave everything up in her life to give _you_ a life. You meant everything to her."

These words had flooded through my mind uncontrollably and left my lips without a second thought. I was glad that I was able to say all these things to him, I thought I would never be able to. I had really thought that yesterday would have been the end forever. That Levi and I would have seperated. That we would never ever see each other again, dying in pain and unhappiness.

Whatever the cause to Levi's sudden change was yesterday, this was the best thing that could ever happen. That he had told me how he wanted to love and be in a relationship with me and appreciate my love... I had been so relieved that he had said all these things. And the best was how he and he alone had decided for that. It was him who hadn't wanted me to leave him, it was him who had fought yesterday. I didn't do anything. I had given up when Levi's will had flamed up. He made me believe that hope really dies last. Levi gave me reason to keep on. And the most important things was... Levi wanted all this, too.

_I'm so proud of you, my love._

"She never hated me to the fullest?"

It took me a few seconds to understand what he was trying to say with that and when I saw that sad smile on him, I knew what he was waiting for. I smiled back the same way. "No, she didn't."

"She regretted not having been able to be a good mother to me?"

"Yes. Abuse is the wrongest of the wrong ways of being a good mother."

"But she apologized to me. Because she never really wanted to hurt me. She apologized to me, and died."

"As long as you don't forget her, she is not dead. She lives on," I tapped on Levi's chest—where his heart was, "she watches over you and she protects you."

"She must be really disappointed with me for I decided not to love ever again. That's certainly not what she would want me to do."

"It isn't too late to change that." I didn't take my eyes off him, watching how Levi's feature loosened, turning to a content one.

"Yesterday," he began, his voice sounding relieved, "I made the right decision. Leaving you would have been a big mistake which I would have started to regret sooner or later. Our conversation just now... bears resemblance to the one in my dream. That's why I'm sure now that I want you in my life."

Part of me was puzzled because I couldn't quite follow. "Huh? What dream?" I questioned, tilting my head.

And then Levi told me about the dream he had yesterday. About Kuchel, his younger self, Kuchel's lovers and customers, and what surprised me was that I had appeared in his dream, too... _twice_. But it stunned me the most that Levi had had a conversation with "me" in his dream in which "I" had explained to him why he shouldn't hate his mother and why locking his feelings up was a mistake.

After he told me everything, I remained silent, unable to form any coherent words. I needed three attempts to be quite exact. "I-... Thi-... That sounds like me, doesn't it." I laughed insecurely, scratching the back of my head. And to be quite frank, I was even a bit envious. I mean, Levi had dreamt something about me and himself and it held such a powerful meaning and then there was me... I had dreamt of him twice the past few weeks and both dreams only had... sexual innuendos.

"Whatever," Levi retorted, "Important is that the Eren in my dream was right. Isn't that good?"

"It is, of course! No one wants to hurt you anymore. You're surrounded by people who care about you—me included."

"I think..." he thought for a moment, probably choosing the right words. "I don't want to live this life anymore. And you're going to witness how I'll become a person who can feel."

I was so close to cry from happiness, but I did my best at oppressing my tears, giving him a bright smile. And then I said, "Let me love you. It's such a good feeling to be loved, you'll see. Let me give you love."

His hands wandered up to my face, caressing my cheeks. "Permission granted." The tone was both sincere and jokingful. He was serious, but at the same time he wanted to break the tension.

He was successful. I giggled. "Thank you." I said back to him with the same tone.

One of his hands was in the back of my head now, remaining there, not moving, but I already had a vague thought what Levi wanted to do. And then I felt a light pressure on my head, and I complied, letting our lips slowly collide.

It was a very soft and chaste kiss, our lips rather lingering on each other than moving. Every second of his lips resting lazily on my pair of lips was like a treasured gift to me, and I didn't waste a moment in which I wasn't happy to feel his thin, sweet lips on mine, releasing blissful chills inside my body. Levi, though, seemed like he wasn't satisfied with a simple kiss like that, but he respected and accepted it nevertheless. Or so I thought. When I wanted to part, he didn't let me yet, extending the kiss a bit longer before he released his mouth from mine, licking his lips then.

I see. "Next time I'm going to kiss you longer."

"Nah, it's fine." This was obviously a lie, but it was amusing to see how he wanted it so badly.

It was only now that I realized how up until now we had spent our morning on our bed only, but honestly I didn't feel like getting up or moving to begin with.

Levi didn't mind it either, so there was no problem in spending more time like this, sitting on his lap, talking to him and giving Levi gentle strokes. But somehow he looked like there was still something on his mind, bothering him. And I was right. "Say, Eren..." he started, speaking in a cautious way, "What... What would you have done if you really left yesterday. What if I hadn't stopped you from going away? How would you have continued your life? I mean, I was important to you and after all this..."

"First of all, you're still important to me, and you'll always be. Because I love you. And..." I had to think of how to respond. It was true that I had been an emotional wreck yesterday, without any strength left or hope of good endings and uncapable to think positively anymore. What would I have done? Go to mom and dad and stay there for a while, Mikasa would have found out about that sooner and later and then she would have bugged me with her annoying interrogation because sometimes she had that habit to be too protective over me (even though I was older than her), I would then have probably locked myself in my room and then... _And then what?_ "I don't know." I stared at Levi intensely. "Actually I don't want to think about that." There was no reason for me to do that. It didn't come that far and I should be very grateful for that.

"Okay, I see. I'm sorry for asking. I shouldn't have done that." Levi replied fast, appearing like he was regretting having me asked that.

"N-No. It's okay. You don't have to worry. "

"But you seemed so uncomfortable with that question. I should have known that before asking. I'm sorry. I didn't consider it."

"Levi, I'm fine. Your question wasn't inappropriate. It shows that you care about me."

"I want to care about you."

"Okay. I feel flattered. I think no one had said that to me like that before." I think at this point even a little dust of pink coloured my cheeks.

"Good. I want to be the only one. Don't let anyone else say that to you, too." He uttered the last thing with so some evident jealousy behind is voice, it was amusing... and cute.

I chuckled. "Yeah, okay."

A little silence and yet again it felt like Levi still had some worries left. "I hurt you so much. I'm sorry."

I held his hands, giving a gentle squeeze. "And I told you already that I forgive you for everything you've done to me."

"Yeah, but perhaps you had said that at that time solely because you didn't want me to go."

"Tha-..." I wanted to object, having raised one finger already when I realized that he was practically right. "Well, I can't deny that..."

"See." He shrugged.

Rolling my eyes in amusement first, I then placed his hands over my chest. "I forgive you because I know now that you never hurt me intently."

"But that I was always too dumb to realize that makes me a fool."

"No, it doesn't." I scolded him, honestly upset, pouting. "You were _unable_ to notice that, not foolish."

"I'm sorry, Eren. You had to endure so much. If... I can understand if you want to hurt me back as much as I hurt you, but... I think I won't be able to handle it—"

"Wait, wait, wait! What are you saying there?!" My eyes opened widely, my ears didn't want to believe that they had heard that just now. "Do you really think I want to hurt you back?!"

Levi didn't look like he understood why I was so angry with him. "I thought... Maybe, before we can start living a life as a couple, you want to take revenge on me first, since—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." I said to him in a threatening voice, scooting a glare at him. "I don't want to harm you! Why would I do that?! I love you!"

Levi hesitated and I gave him a look that (hopefully) told him not to say something wrong now. But he didn't care. "Maybe you wanted us to..." My intensified glare seemed to work. "... be... even. Okay, I got it. Stop looking at me like that."

I sighed lowly, letting our fingers interwine. _"I promise you, Levi,"_ The voice I spoke with was soft and calm but also serious, not taking my eyes off him, and I saw trust in his grey orbs. _"I will never ever hurt you. Cross my heart and hope to die."_

Levi looked a lot more relieved now, as though every tension and every insecurity and every burden had fallen off his shoulders. "Thank you."

"I won't hurt you in any way. Never ever."

"I believe you."

I hugged him, whispering into his ear. "I want to make you happy."

Levi stiffened in surprise, embracing me back after that. His hands fisted my top and he held me in his arms for a long time. Ruffling my hair, he then let go of me, his face lowered as his eyes focused on a spot on my chest. I looked down quickly, figuring out that he was probably staring at the key.

And then his head whipped up fast, his eyes locking with mine. "I have one last question."

"I'm all ears." I said as I played with his hair.

"Why do you love me, Eren?"

This question surprised me totally, I had to admit, I hadn't been prepared for it at all. Speechless at first, I tried to regain my senses, and took a relaxing breath to arrange my thoughts in an order so that I wouldn't talk in riddles when giving him the answer. To be honest, I was glad that he asked that. I had never really thought about telling him, but it was nice to hear that he wanted to know why I fell in love with him. Which didn't mean that the answer was easy, hell, it wasn't at all. One couldn't always explain why we loved a certain person, sometimes love happens when you expect it the least.

With a gleeful smile, I didn't take my eyes off Levi, speaking in a loving voice. "When I first met you... I was mostly attracted to your good looks. Well, that was the only thing actually. But I had already a feeling that you were... different; not like every other average man. You had an attitude that probably many had to grow accustomed to when they'd want to be friends with you. But I never saw you as someone rude, snobbish or self-centred. The first time I saw you, I was amazed by your whole attitude and when I figured out your unique attitude, it was so thrilling to me that I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to be part of your life. I wanted to be someone to you who wasn't just a friend. As you may still know, our first meet ended in hot sex. And there was no second I felt bad for it; instead of questioning or regretting, I enjoyed every second of it. But I wanted more. You don't even know how happy I was when you suggested to spend more time with me, even if it was... only for bodily pleasure. While you had probably had just this one thing in mind, I was so eager to become a person to you you would want to have by your side. Well, things did not go quite according to plan. Somehow we started with having an affair, skipped that friendship thing, which I had hoped for the whole time, and went straight to become fuck buddies. After some time, it was obvious to me that I didn't fall in love with you the usual kind of way. You didn't pretend to be a person you weren't in the first place. I got to know your honest side that was also harsh sometimes. You were always brutally honest, when you don't like certain people you were never afraid to show it to them, and I think you liked to complain and made it clear to me more than once what your pet peeves were. Now why should a person ever start liking a person like you in a romantic way? Well, I did. In my eyes, you were a person who was rare to get, hard to keep but oh so worth to have. Back at that time, to me, you appeared to be a person who had a soft heart behind a hard shell, but you also looked like a man with secrets no one knew. Not exactly kinky secrets, but ones only very trustful persons would see, namely the secret of the more caring side of you. You always acted like you don't care much about others, but I was pretty certain you would care and treasure and value the person who would mean a lot to you. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to get the attention from you that no one else got to know before. As soon as I figured out that there must be a reason why you didn't show certain emotions, I wanted to change that. I stayed by your side because I wanted to take care of you. You should see that I cared about you, that there was no reason to be so distanced and locked towards me. You should have looked at me and realized how much I love you. But again I didn't get what I wanted. But this steamed up my love for you. Of course I couldn't have known that behind your hard shell there harboured an image of a broken person. And as the one who developed feelings for you, my main goal had become to pick up the broken pieces and make you a whole again. You don't even know, Levi, but over the months I saw you as a person who I would do everything for. And day by day my love for you grew. _I love you because you are so special to me."_

At this very moment, I had surprised myself because of how much I said. And actually I would go one like that forever. I could make a list of reasons why I loved Levi. I could talk about him all day and night, swoon over him and think of no one else than him. Certainly he had done things to me that were awful, he used my body and didn't take into consideration that he had hurt my feelings as a result. But together we will be able to heal our wounds. Together we will support and love each other. No one and nothing would be able to tear us apart anymore.

Because the hard time we went through was evidence that we were unseperable. Levi needed me, and I needed him.

Just like that, we will reach happiness.

"That was," Levi said in a calm voice, "very long and very detailed." I shot him a wink, snickering. His eyes were on my necklace again and this time he commented on it. "The key... You're right. It does have a meaning."

I waited for him to go on, but nothing came and at the same time I wasn't sure whether it was right for me to say something, and before it could get that far, Levi decided to move out of bed.

He held me by my hips and put me down on the mattress, I wasn't sitting on his lap anymore. "We've talked so much, it's late in the morning. We should go eat breakfast now. Aren't you hungry, too?" Not letting me answer, he left the room without anything more to add, as though it wasn't strange at all for him to leave right after a very serious talk.

He probably left because he didn't know how to handle the situation any more. How cute.

Of course we had to work on some things. But despite of everything, I was pretty positive that he was going to tell me the meaning behind that key when the day had come and when he felt like it, and I was pretty certain that one day he was going to confess the following to me:

_'I love you.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favourite line of this chapter is: _I'm so proud of you, my love._
> 
> It's soft praise kink, and I fucking love it.
> 
> One last thing: I’ve seen many times recently that some of you call me Author-chan. Actually it flatters me so much because you take the time to adress me with a name. I have so lovely readers! Thank you! That’s why I want to reveal my name to you, it’s a shortcut of my real name but still. 
> 
> If you want you can call me Lin


	29. Levi's First Date

**Eren’s POV**

“Got any plans today?” I asked Levi as I set down my empty plate into the sink. We had been having breakfast a few minutes ago, Levi had made scrambled eggs and fried vegetables.

I felt a lot better, my mind lighter, after our talk. There was literally no border between us anymore that could bother our life—we could finally live in togetherness. There was nothing that could separate us ever again. With Levi by my side and me cherishing him, there would soon bloom a love that…

A love that would make us a whole.

We still had a long way to go, though, but I was willing to take every step to bring our love for each other to existence; brightening our lives by feeling fuzzy when we were with the other, melting into a state of bliss when our significant other was next to us. I knew that Levi still had to built up his trust for me. After all these losses he hab been faced with in his childhood, I could understand completely that he needed his time to show affection towards me. And I wanted to help him with that. Without pressuring him, I wanted to make him a person with feelings.

It would have never striked my mind that I would ever be in a situation like this where I needed to teach my lover what love was, but here I was, and I didn't regret any second and any choice I had made. If it meant to do it for my beloved one, I would do everything to secure him happiness.

If Levi was happy, then I was, too.

“The fact that you’re asking like this means that you already have something planned for us.” I flicked my gaze over to Levi who was still situated on his seat, flashing a wide smile as I closed the distance and sat next to him. Lacing the fingers of his one hand with mine, my thumb trailing over his skin, I locked eyes with him, and if I were to look at myself in a mirror, I would most likely see my orbs sparkling in anticipation. “Let’s go on a date.”

~~~

“Eren, this is ridiculous.”

“Hm?” I questioned, the bite I took not seconds ago stilled, the bun clamped between my lips. Levi threw a dissatisfied look at me, his brows twitching in irritation. His right pointer finger was tapping on the table nervously before it was balled into a fist along with the other fingers, his upper body bent forward as he looked me in the eyes with a very sincere expression.

“I can’t believe that you’re serious.” he said, a lack of understanding swaying in his tone obviously.

I raised one brow, taking my meal away from my mouth as I chewed on what I had bitten on. With my mouth still full, I asked, “Whaddya mean?”

“Okay, right. I don’t have any experiences with dates. In fact, this is my first one. But I can't believe that you’re really forcing me to do this. Going to a local burger restaurant? _This_ is your idea of what to do on a date?!”

I didn’t give him an answer right away, swallowing up everything first. “Why are you so judgemental? You didn't try your burger in the first place, so technically speaking you don’t have the right yet to criticize the food.”

Levi crossed his arms resolutely, leaning back in his seat, giving a frown at the burger in my hands, scoffing. “I can already see from this distance that the thing you’re holding has too much fat. No way is this pile of incredibly unhealthy shit going to land in my stomach. I don't eat anything that has _too much_ fat.”

“Worried that you might gain weight?” I joked, the edge of my lips curving up to a small smirk.

“No”, he retorted, cocking his head, the irritation in him ascending as he feigned a smile. “But this food might be good for you—to some extent. You’ve lost weight.”

“I-I’ve not become that much thinner.” I pouted, hiding my mouth behind my burger, averting my gaze. What he was saying was probably right though. Over the past few weeks I hadn't really paid attention to the things I was eating or the amount I had been taking. Therefore, there was a high chance that I had lost weight due to my careless treatment of my own body.

“I still don’t get it, though. Why a cheap burger shop? Eren, are you broke? If yes, then tell me. I can invite you. There are some good restaurants I know—”

“No!” I said quickly, shutting him up by stuffing his mouth with a burger. The reaction I got from him was a really unpleasant one, his eyes parting wider, disgust covering his facial features. But to be quite frank, it was a funny thing to look at. “I’m not broke. It’s just that I don’t want to go to some fancy restaurants. There’s a reason why I chose this location.”

Levi backed his head away, spitting out a sound of revulsion.  “Disgusting. You’re the worst, Eren.”

“Geez, I can’t believe you are a person with very high standards. This is what common people eat occasionally.”

“This is what people eat who don’t know what proper meals are.” he spat.

I sighed, putting my burger down and wiping my hands off on a handkerchief before placing Levi’s hands in mine (I was certain that Levi wouldn't let me hold him if I didn't clean my hands at least a bit after touching this “pile of incredibly unhealthy shit”). “Levi, it doesn't matter where we are or what we’re eating or what we’re doing. On a date, the most important thing is that we’re spending time together. “ His face softened gradually, his eyes switching downwards to our hands laying on each other. Although this was something trivial I noticed now, but looking at him made me realize what beautiful eyelashes he had. So dark and pretty.

“I s-see…” There was still something he had in mind that was bothering him, the words probably stuck rather on his tongue than his throat, and I stayed silent purposely to edge him to continue talking. “We can spend time together whenever we want though. Why does it have to be a date?”

Smiling, I replied, “You’re right. We can be together whenever we want. But isn’t the idea of going out with your partner on a day you two are free on only to spend it with them – and only them – beautiful? Like… It’s a day – maybe even only a couple of hours – where all you think of is the person you are with and how happy they make you. You know, when you’re doing something with your partner, you most likely find out more about them coincidentally. Eating, shopping, doing sports activities, going to the cinema, all those things can reveal what the other person's tastes are. And once you know more about your lover,” I straightened my pointer fingers, holding them before me, hooking them together then, “you’ll grow closer to them.”

Levi watched my two intertwined fingers for a while. “I think I understand now.” He entwined our fingers again and in a dead serious tone and a dead serious stare he growled, “I know now that you like to eat cheap prepared meals, and you know now that I am the complete opposite. This is probably not the only thing we’re spending our time with. Whatever you’ve planned next, it better not be worse than this.”

My face faltered. “Wow, that’s mean. This sounds like I don’t have any clue about dates. As I said before—”

Levi waved a hand dismissively, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I doesn't matter what place we are staying at. Okay, I’m fine with that, as long as we don't go anywhere where’s it’s unnecessarily noisy or disgustingly dirty.”  

A smile lit up on my face again and I continued eating. “Do you really not want to eat anything? Try the fries at least. Fries are never a bad choice.” I winked, giving him a pleading look after that.

Hesitating at first, he then grabbed one single fry reluctantly, taking a small bite. “Satisfied now?”

“Yes!”

The next thing that was on my plan after our meal was a visit to a cinema. Right now, we were standing in front of the movie posters, contemplating what to choose. “There are so many movies to decide for. I don’t know what we should watch. Levi, you have a say in this, too, by the way.”

Levi was looking at the posters with rather disinterest, his hands pocketed as he read each title of the several movies. “How about romance? It would fit to our occasion.”

“No, no, no! No romance!” I refused quickly, shaking my head to which Levi reacted with a furrow of his brows. “Romance movies are always boring and unrealistic. The way a relationship between two people is established in those movies is rarely true to life.” I explained, telling half of the truth of my actual motives.

“Okay, then…”

The actual reason was that I didn't want Levi to watch some poorly sappy Hollywood romance that would give him a false image of what love was. It would only bring inconveniences to our relationship if he got things wrong. _I_ was the one who would show him what real love was. Not those people in that romance shit with their ‘I love you more than anyone else.’, ‘You make my heart go faster’ or ‘I want to live with you forever.’

_You don’t say!_

But the fact that in almost every love story the same few sentences are used for a person to proclaim their love was simply degrading the value of love and what it meant to be in a relationship to a love story full of clichés. This can lead to people forgetting that every romance had its own uniqueness.

I would try to never let our relationship get threatened or risked by hurtful or unnecessary things. Also, I would make sure that my efforts would always be successful and done by me wholeheartedly. Even today. I wasn't allowed to fuck anything up. In other words, no romantic shit movies.

“Eren?” I snapped back to reality, my train of thoughts being interrupted. “Are you alright? You seemed to be deep in thoughts. Is there more behind your refusal to watch romance?”

Even if Levi lacked of romance, he wasn't dumb. I hummed to myself, trying to find the right words. “U-Uh… Well, we don’t need to watch that kind of stuff. I think it doesn't display love correctly. Like in… It doesn’t necessarily have to be like that. Love is more than what we see in those movies.” And then a sudden thought grazed my mind. “Wait, did you ever watch a romance movie before?”

“Not that I remember. I know that sometimes I had watched crimes with Kenny and after that I got into horror and action movies, and drama with bad endings, and now I don’t really care anymore. But if what you’re saying is right, then we shouldn't waste our time on watching fake couples gawk at each other.”

“Well, this is my opinion.”

“I like your opinion.”

“O...kay.” I viewed the posters for a second time. “But horror sounds fine. There’s one airing.”

“Are you really mature enough for them?” Levi asked in a voice that had a mocking undertone. “Did you ever watch a horror movie before?”

I huffed proudly, crossing my arms as I claimed with both brows raised, “I have watched enough to be mature enough for any kind of horror.”

I heard Levi snort. “I have my doubts. Sometimes you’re so immature or acting like a child, but if you say so.”

Without any more word exchanges, we entered the cinema hall, forwarding to the queue. The decision remained by horror and after buying a XXL portion of popcorn for the both of us and some drinks, we took our seats in front of the big white screen, waiting for the film to finally start. During that time, I had already begun eating some popcorn (I had never ever witnessed before someone not eating it until the film started, and since I didn't want to change that given fact, I fed Levi some, too, who had been surprisingly patient with the snack).

Of course he would give me a confused and questioning face as I was shoving the white little balls into his mouth. “U-Uhh… I’m doing this for the greater good.” How could I not come up with a better excuse?

He grabbed my wrist and pulled it away. “What the fuck! Eren, you’re acting weirdly.”

“I-I’m sorry.” It was now after he had pointed this out that I came back to my senses. What was I doing? I was never like this?

Don’t tell me I was nervous?

There was nothing to be insecure about. This was just a date – Levi’s first date ever –, but still! No need to worry, it’d be alright. Nothing had gone wrong yet, and it won’t. I will give him the per—

“Eren,” Levi’s soothing voice stimulated my ears. _I wanted to hear more_.

“Yes.”

“Look at me.”

Hesitantly, I turned my head to him, his grey eyes shining in the semi-darkness. I could look into his eyes forever and would fall for them anew. Especially now I was falling so hard for him, it was almost painful. The way he was looking at me; so caring and calming.

“Our date doesn't have to be perfect. You don’t need to try make it a perfect one just because it’s our first one.”

“But—”

“It is obviously making you twitchy that you want everything go according to plan. But it doesn't need to. We can have our fun without any plans. Sometimes letting things happen unexpectedly is not so bad. No moment we spend together has to be perfect. Not today, and not any other day.”

Surprised by how easing his words were, I sensed how the tension in my body loosened and I took a deep breath to settle myself eventually. “Okay. I understood.” He leaned forward and stilled when he was halfway past the distance that was between us, and then I did the same, wearing a little smile just as him, and our lips met gently. The kiss was literally just a little touch, but enough for me. All I needed to know was that I was doing fine, and this tender kiss was the assurance.

A few seconds later, we parted, smiling to ourselves. “I love you, Levi.” I whispered, my eyes closed, both of us falling into a short silence.

“I— I…” The fact that he was stammering and the insecurity in his voice alarmed me, so that I opened my eyes fast, inevitably being met with a face full of struggle and uncertainty. His eyes were speaking out an apology, but at the same time Levi was suffering inwardly.

I took his face between my hands. “Don’t worry, Levi. You don't have to say it back if you’re not ready. Just because I told you it doesn't mean you have to respond with the same. Don’t force yourself.”

“But I want to say it back to you.” he insisted, curling his arms around my neck.

“Levi, you are not ready yet. I can wait. And if it turns out that you can’t say it at all, then it’s fine. I won’t mind. Because as long as we stay together, I know that I mean something to you.” My voice was low and reassuring, fingers loosely caressing his raven strands.

“I will try my best—together with you.”

My face approached his until our foreheads touched and the peaks of our noses grazed each other. “Can I have a kiss?”

Levi thought for a while, pursing his lips. One of his arms shifted and seemed to long for something next to us and the next second I tasted popcorn inside my mouth. “No. The film has already started.”

Pouting, I chewed on my snack and leant back in my seat with folded arms.

“Don’t sulk.” Levi said nonchalantly.

“‘Am not sulking.” I said back, _obviously_ sulking.

If I didn't hear it wrong I was able to make out a “Brat.” coming from Levi in a scoffing tone, but I decided to screw that and watched the movie instead. The only knowledge I had about it was that it was dealing with five main characters who had to survive a zombie apocalypse and while they fled, they found an abandoned villa to hide in. Rumours said that that house was haunted because a mentally unstable scientist used to live there whose one experiment went wrong. The result was a flesh-eating monster-like monstrosity which ate its creator, but no one knew more than that, so that the possibility of that entity still living there was given.

In short, a few themes put together into one movie and let me tell you that the five people were so fucked.

We were still at that part where they were running away and honestly watching that was so boring—the zombies didn't look very terrifying. I lost my interest very fast, even propping my head on my hand became bothering. Levi wasn't commenting at all, so I couldn't tell what he was thinking of it, and after some more minutes I decided to take action and bridge the time with something more entertaining for us both.

As a result, I whipped my head to his direction, a sly grin planted on my face. “Don’t you also think that this is so boring?” I said in a low growl.

Levi raised a brow at me, his head not moving as he side-eyed me, eating popcorn by the way. “That’s because nothing has happened yet. Just you wait for the gore.”

Shooting my eyes upwards, I pushed out a loud groan, sighing then. “You know what couples do when the movie bores them?” Being a little greedy now wasn't wrong, right?

“Hm?” Levi hummed, not taking his eyes off of the screen.

“They French kiss.” I stated bluntly, awaiting for any reaction coming from him.

Levi’s head stirred very slightly. With a suggestive upcurve of his lips, he turned his gaze to me. “Oh. I see. That’s what you’re trying to aim for. Straight forward and needy, you cocky brat. Just like ever.”

“Don’t you like it when I’m a little devil sometimes?” I stuck out my tongue to give my question a innocent effect, winking as a snicker rose from my throat.

“I like nearly every side of you, but this one is for sure one of my favourites.” he said with a smirk while tugging me upwards by my collar until our mouths clashed.

My arms went around Levi's neck in a matter of a second and I had scooted closer to him to deepen the kiss, my upper body pressing against his. Our lips moved in sync and our tongues twisted around each other, the taste of coke on both our tongues mixing with the saliva we exchanged. I had my difficulties to stifle the moans that desperately wanted to be freed, but I did my best to act as discreetly as possible. After all we were still in a public place and even though it was dark, there were people not so far from us who might notice that Levi and I weren’t quite following the happenings of the film. Levi’s fingers fisted my hair roughly, pulling at it ever so lightly. He was teasing me with that hair tug because he knew that it was able to make me let out sinful sounds. But I didn't let him have this fun. Instead, I maintained my self-control (oh, the irony), and raked my nails over his clothed back, clutching at his shirt then. After some seconds passed, my eyes opened again, though I didn't break from the kiss yet, and subconsciously my gaze moved to the screen to see what was happening in the movie right now. Now I knew that this was a terrible mistake.

My eyes widened horrifyingly. “AAAHHHHH!” I cried out along with some other people who got scared by that gross creature that had appeared in front of our eyes on the screen. Mouth wide open and eyes just the same, I continued screaming, holding Levi’s neck from the side tightly, as though my life depended on it. And for one second I thought it would. “Oh my fucking goooooood! What is this ugly thing?! It looks so frightening!”

Apparently that monster was the thing the scientist had created but failed to exterminate and now it was chasing after the main characters, killing them one by one.

“Eren, chill. This is nothing new to happen in horror.” Levi seemed to be oh so fucking calm, attempting to release himself from my arms, but I didn't let go of him. Now way would I be able to sit calmly in my seat, I would fidged as fuck!

My grip around him became firmer, my heart pounding hard against my ribs. “This monster is scarier than I would have ever guessed! It’s so terrifying, I can’t look at it!”

“But you aren't taking your eyes off it.” Levi clarified in a neutral tone, a little bit of annoyance hidden behind his voice.

He was right. My eyes were still on the screen, witnessing how the first guy became the victim of that killing machine, claws tearing at his flesh as he screamed in agony, begging for mercy when it was useless to do something like that in a hopeless situation like this. My position still hadn't changed, no, I held Levi even tighter now, my cheeks squeezing his left one. “This is so gross! I am so close to pee my pants!”

“What was that about you calling yourself mature again?” Levi asked ironically.

“I was wrong!”

“God, Eren. You spilled popcorn. You made the floor under our feet dirty. That’s disgusting.”

“Levi!” I yelled in a reproaching tone, my widened eyes looking at him now. I stressed each and every word that came next. “People are dying! How can you think about dirt now?! Who cares about fucking popcorns on the floor?!”

“I care because it’s filthy!” Levi said back, voice raised, glaring.

I ignored it, my eyes fixated on what was in front of me again. “All the blood…”

“It’s fake.”

“There is so much blood… Look at him. His body is totally distorted now.”

“Unbelievable that something like this can still affect you.”

“How comes that you are totally unmoved by that? This is seriously not something for faint-hearted.”

“Nothing can scare me anymore. Not after all those years in which Isabel had forced me to watch all kind of horror and gore movies together with her and Farlan when we were younger.”

“We should have decided for another movie.”

“Why though?” Levi sounded obviously amused, gradually enjoying my immature behaviour. “I like it. Look how that dog is tearing the limbs apart from the torso and yes, there is a load of blood.”

“Levi, this is certainly not a dog.” I said, my voice shaking in fright that wasn't as intense as at the beginning, but it was still there.

“Whatever. I am liking this. It’s not bad.”

And as a result we watched the movie till the end, me either holding onto Levi tightly or burying my head into his chest every now and then, while Levi watched the whole thing, occasionally patting my head encouragingly. This wasn't the kind of intimacy I had expected and hoped for when going to the cinema with him, but – as he had said – not everything needed to or could happen as planned.

The film had ceased to an end, lights lit up again, people made shuffling noises as they put their jackets on, and then they left. Everyone except me. I hadn't moved an inch from my seat yet, my knees pulled up to my chest, arms wrapped around my legs. I needed my time to let the bloody scenes sink in, but I was failing at not taking it too seriously.

“Oi.” Levi called out, having stood up and distanced himself from me, since he as well had wanted to go.

I remained in my seat, muttering to myself. “I will never ever watch something like this again. This was the most horrible looking monster ever. It will haunt me in my dreams. It will kill me in my dreams. I won't forget that visage for the rest of my life.”

“Oi. Eren.” I felt how something light hit my head and found out that Levi was throwing popcorn at me. “Eren. Stand up. Oi.” He lifted my body up by my arm.

“Levi, I—”

“You’re exaggerating. This is just the aftermath. Tomorrow you won’t think about it as much anymore as now.” He removed some of my locks that were covering my eyes partly. “You whiny brat.”

Immediately, I clung to his right arm, resting my head on his shoulder. “I don't care what you call me. This was really scary.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go now, shall we?”

Nodding fiercly, we then exited the cinema, heading for the park next. There, we were having a relaxed walk, in between those big trees whose leaves were already falling down, paving the road in colours of crimson and brown and yellow. The Shiganshina Park had a big lake located at the middle of the green place, benches have been mounted around it for people to watch the swans from far away, to feed the ducks that were waddling near the lakeshore or to just rest. Not so far away there was a stand that sold rolled pancakes with toppings. Since it had been more than an hour ago that I last had something between my teeth, I bought myself one of those tasty looking sweets .

“Are you sure you don’t want one, too, Levi?” I received my pancake from the seller after paying, admiring the beauty of the food. It also smelled so sweet. I had chosen for chocolate cream, strawberries and banana slices as toppings, and I was pretty positive it would taste extraodinary good.

“I am very sure. Can’t believe you want to eat something again. Aren't you full from the burgers and popcorn?” Levi had one questioning brow raised at me, his stare switching between me and the pancake in my hand, though he looked at it with rather slight disgust.

“But this looks so delicious, I wanna taste it. Also, you are the one who told me to gain some weight because I seem to be skinny.” We distanced ourselves from the stand, about to sit down on one of those benches.

“Well, yeah… but… Nevermind. You’re right.” Levi was the first one to lower himself onto the woodened bench and I followed suit, sitting very close to him, my head resting on his chest.

Smiling contently, I took a bite from my food. The sweet taste numbed and stimulated my taste buds, causing me to moan in delight. “This is so delicious.” I mumbled, filling my mouth with another portion of the snack before I offered it to Levi who hadn't said anything for a while now, solely one of his arms draped over my shoulder. “Wanna try?”

There was that discomforting expression on his face again, his eyes seemed to softly glare at the rolled pancake. “I think I have to correct myself. I don’t eat anything that has either too much fat or too much sugar… or both.”

“Just one bite. It’s really good.”

“No.” he retorted, determined.

“Please.” I gave him a puppy look, jutting my bottom lip to multiply the effect. “Do it for me. I want to share my food with you.”

A roll of his eyes and an annoyed groan of deafeat later, Levi’s mouth had enclosed one edge of the pancake, tearing a bit of it apart. He chewed on it long, his face looking conflicted as he covered his mouth under his palm.

“And?” I asked, expecting to hear at least a ‘Not so bad.’ from him, since that was his way of saying that he liked something.

“I can already feel my blood glucose level rising.” There was a higher serious tone to it than a joking one.

Scowling softly, I decided to accept this and went on eating the rest while Levi watched me, not showing any sign of changing his mind and taking another bite. “It isn’t that sweet. You’re exaggerating.”

“You’re one to talk. Who did almost shit in his pants because of a horror film?”

“But it _was_ scary, I swear!”

“It _wasn't_ that scary… _I swear_.”

Before a heated discussion could even flame up in the first place, both of us were interrupted by an incoming message on Levi’s phone. Levi grunted in annoyance while I crinkled my brows.

“Who the hell dares disturb us on our date?” I complained in a pissed-off tone, frowning to myself and nibbling on one end of my pancake as Levi checked his phone in an expression that wasn't all too different from mine.

“Hanji.” he eventually answered monotonously.

Rummaging in my memory, an image of a woman finally appeared before my face. Oh, yeah. _Hanji_. Messy ponytail, glasses and a wide grin she wore too often, if you were to ask me. And then I remembered something else. A memory of her that wasn't really pleasant.

Narrowing my eyes to a glare, I snapped, “Tell her to fuck off!”

Levi lifted his eyes quickly to look at me with a puzzled face before he viewed his phone screen again. “Wow, that's harsh of you; and unexpected. May I ask where your hate for her stems from? _Not that I mind_.”

“That bitch tricked me on Isabel and Farlan's brithday party. She told me a fucking lie. _And_ she’s interfering in other people’s businesses too much.”

Levi averted his eyes, seeming a bit guilty before he clarified something. “Well… that trick was my doing. Technically speaking. I told her to lure you to the balcony.”

I ran a hand through my hair, huffing out. “I had already guessed something like that … But still!”

“Eren, really. If you started to hate her for that one reason, then I can tell you that it’s pointless. If you want to hate on the thing that happened at the party, then you should hate me for it.”

“N-No… No, I don’t hate you.” I nuzzled my head into the crook of his head, at the same time paying attention that I wouldn't spill some of my pancake over his clothes. “What happened in the past between us should stay in the past. Let us not think about the bad memories anymore. It’s become different between you and me now.”

The soft kiss Levi planted on top of my hair crown send a cosy wave through my body. “Yeah.”

“What does Hanji want from you by the way? I doubt it’s something important.”

“Oh,” Levi raised his phone again, scrolling down, “she invited us to her Halloween Party.”

“Halloween?”

“Yes.”

“Halloween is in a few days.”

“Yeah. She’s already prepared everything regarding decorations. Now she’s sending out the invitations. You don't even know, Halloween is something really important to her; even more important than her own birthday.”

“Halloween is about creepy stuff, no wonder why Hanji likes it. She herself is a bit weird.” They chilly air hit my face, reddening my nose, and I snuggled more into Levi who was literally emitting warmth, which was very convenient for me.

“That’s nothing new.” Levi stated in a nonchalant tone, and sighed.

Suddenly, I remembered something that Levi had said a little while ago. “Wait, did you just say that she’s inviting the two of us?”

“Yeah. Apparently, she doesn't have your number, so she messaged me – I quote – ‘Also bring Eren along!!!!!!!!’ with a lot of exclamation marks at the end, which means that she is very excited to see you at her own party, too. And just for your information, I won't go, if you don't go with me. I’m not the kind of person who loves to go to any parties, but I think it will be only half as bad as I imagine it when you are with me.”

A little thought roamed my mind when Levi mentioned the last thing. ‘When you are with me.’ A déjà-vu? “What exactly do you mean by that? In what way am I a good distraction for you in a party?”

“I don’t mean it the way you think I am thinking of. Besides, we shouldn't even be tempted to do that when we’re at Hanji’s. I am pretty damn sure once she finds out that we are gone, she would make sure to catch us in the act.”

“Oh, w-well… You’re probably right. This sounds like Hanji.”

“Anyway, is that a yes?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed, excited, and Levi wrote Hanji a message back.

“Gotta tell her about the movie we watched. Maybe then she’ll stop working on a pointless experiment. But, wait, thinking twice of it… I doubt she’ll stop creating her own damn pets.”

I nodded approvingly, even though this didn’t interest me very much, but whatever. “By the way, who is going to be on that party beside us? Do you know it? Don’t tell me she has friends who are like her.” I tried to act devastated, but it turned out to be more my true feelings than an act. What if there were really more of Hanji’s kinds?

“Luckily, she is the weirdest one of them all. Every other of her friends is pretty normal. Petra, Oluou, Mike, Nanaba, Nile, Erwin—”

“ _Erwin?!_ ” I exclaimed, anger boiling up inside me as the memories of the party with him visited my mind again. I had thought I could let go of the past, but now I was reminded again that there were things that weren’t a closed case yet.”

“Ah, Hanji told me about that almost fight between you and Erwin on the party.”

“What is the relationship between you two?” I growled through gritted teeth, my hate for Erwin rising with each passing second.

“There is nothing between me and Erwin. Believe me. Erwin is married and _straight._ I think I know why you started to hate him. But believe me when I say that he isn't my superior either. Don’t be mad anymore. There is no reason for you to get jealous over nothing.” Levi was calm, not nervous at all, and he sounded convincing. He must be telling the truth then. Why would he lie to me in the first place? He wasn't like that anymore.

My fists I didn’t know I had balled shivered in anger. “But Hanji said to me that you and Erwin fuck… or fucked… or whatever.”

“She was just telling a joke. The whole thing is just a joke between us three.”

"So… He doesn’t like you romantically and you don’t have any interests in him?” I asked, hope covering my voice.

“No and no. It was never like that and it never will be.” he reassured, caressing my cheek.

I leant into the soothing touch, humming. “Okay.” A little pause in which Levi retreated his hands to type something in his phone and I went back to our original topic. “Oh, can I choose our costumes?”

Levi’s body froze, two fingers stilled on his phone screen as he looked at me with pressed lips and rejection in his eyes. “No.” he replied harshly.

“Pleeeeeeease.”

“What if you choose something ridiculous for me?”

“No, I won't. Your costume will be great! Mine, too. We’ll be the best looking couple on that party.”

“Don’t tell me you want us to wear matching costumes.”

“That’s not what I mean. I have something else in mind. Trust me. You’ll look good.”

Levi hesitated, holding in his breath. “No princess stuff, no witches, nothing with too bright colours, no fruits or any other food—”

“Yes, yes. I got i—”

“And no animals or angels or fairies or—”

“Fine!” I clapped one hand over his mouth, shutting him up, pecking his nose then. “I know roughly what your tastes are. Your costume will be something… I better won’t tell too much, eh? Anyway, just wait. I’m going to buy them on the internet. So you’ll know very fast what you’re going to be.” The hand of mine that was over his lips moved up to the bridge of his nose. Even though this was totally out of place right now, but… “I like your nose. It’s pretty. Actually… There are so many things I love about you.”

Levi remained silent and startled at first due to my sudden randomness, and I used that opportunity to lean one arm against his upper body and place my chin on it, smiling up at Levi genuinely. There was a little tug upwards at the edge of his lips and then there were fingers stroking my hair. “I as well have things I like about you.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Your smile, for example.”

“My smile?”

“Yes. You have a beautiful smile, Eren. It’s something I like to see on your face and I will never get tired of you smiling. I have realized that only recently, but I’m glad I’ve had that realization. Your smile moves me… in a good way.”

Totally overwhelmed by his sudden compliment, heat accumulated under my cheeks, painting it in a rosy pink colour. I got off Levi and sat up straight, holding my burning cheeks in my hands. “O-Oh my god. Don’t say that, Levi. It makes me blush.”

Although this was a positive surprise for me (which brought joy to me), I was thrown off guard because it was a rare thing of Levi to say something like that, but yet again his words flattered me.

Suddenly, two fingers held my chin and turned my head, emerald meeting grey. “But I’m telling the truth. Is that bad?” Levi’s face moved closer.

“No, it isn't.” I whispered to him before our lips fell into a long, passionate yet fond kiss. My arms had found his neck while Levi’s fingers didn't move away from under my chin. A soft breeze flew by and ducks cackled in the background, little waves of the lake making splashing sounds. It felt good having Levi so close to me as nature surrounded us, giving off a romantic vibe.

Our first date couldn't have been any more beautiful.


	30. Eren and Armin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dare say that I’m THE ONLY FANFIC AUTHOR who can come back after one and a half month and publish a _ridiculously long_ chapter. Up until now ‘Levi’s Weird Behaviour (3)’ used to be the longest chapter with 13k words. I never believed in being able to write more than that as single chapter.
> 
> Never ever have I been this wrong in my life.
> 
> This here is twice as long. Yes...
> 
> Enjoy a 26k long chapter lol! (But don’t ask me how I managed to write this much. I honestly don’t know.)
> 
> I know the formatting is shit, I will try to fix that asap. Also I hope there aren't any awkward mistakes that I forgot to correct. But if there are, feel free to point them out.

**Eren**

“5 years is not enough!” I exclaimed very loudly, my voice echoing through the living room as I held out the newspaper to Levi who was pouring himself a cup of tea; being all calm and collected, unlike me because I was raging furiously.

He didn't retort until he had set the kettle down on the table, taking a probing sip, face completely expressionless. “Eren, don—”

“No! Don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear anything like that right now! Don’t try telling me to calm down. I have _every_ reason to be mad! 5 years! Why only 5 years?!”

I was talking about Sayo’s prison sentence. There was an article about his trial in the newspaper and it even revealed the outcome of the day of court. They gave him 5 years. That was all. 5 years. That fucker didn't deserve anything less than lifetime.

Levi approached me, cup in one hand, and wound an arm around my lower back, drawing me close to his body. He had his eyes half-closed, bangs falling from his forehead. “How about you drink some tea first?” He offered me his cup.

Sighing in exhaustion, I internally wished not to start being mad at him, too. Luckily that little of self-control that I had left stopped me from slapping his cup out of his grasp. I waved the newspaper article in front of his face. “I don’t want to calm down right now, Levi. Sayo shall rot in jail forever!”

“I know,” he said as he put his tea away and lowered my hands before his own ones rose and cupped my face, his thumbs caressing my cheeks that burned red in rage. “I don’t wish anything else than that, too. But it can’t be helped. This is the decision the court of law made, and we can't change that.”

“I can’t accept it, though.”

“It’ll be hard for you, I know.” he whispered, voice sooth and caring.

“He wanted to rape me. He doesn't deserve to be free again after some years. I want him to suffer for the rest of his life.” My voice cracked as an achingful shiver sped up my spine.

“As much as we both want the worst to happen to him, we don’t have a say in this. He’ll get his punishment in prison. Many people there are worse than him and they won’t have mercy on Sayo; a life in jail is a lot worse than a quick death.”

As unbelievable as this conversation here sounded right now, I needed to listen to Levi’s words. He was right. I myself had already heard how cruel life behind bars was for many prisoners. Sayo would get his damn punishment. He didn't deserve any better.

“Wait… He has tons of money and is some popular snob. I’m sure he’ll do everything and will pay every amount of money to get a comfortable life in jail.” I pointed out as soon as that thought had crossed my mind. “He’ll have a nice life even in prison. And after 5 years are over, he’ll be freed again, without any signs of regret or guilt! That man is nothing more than a perverted and ruthless monster.”

“I doubt he’ll have a good life in prison.” Levi grabbed the newspaper. “I think this question is useless to ask, but you didn't read the article to the end, did you?”

Shaking my head I remembered again how it had been originally Levi reading the newspaper as I had been sneaking from behind and looking over his shoulder when my eyes had suddenly caught eyes of the heading with Sayo’s name in it. And that was how the discussion had started.

Levi went on. “During their investigation, the police had found out that Barry & Ricks Corporation, the company Sayo was the vice president of, is involved in shady, deceptive business practices, dealing with money laundering and in the past they had also made their hands dirty by blackmailing, corrupting _and_ tax evasions. Another day of court will be set up for this and you can count on a few more years to be added on Sayo’s prison sentence. Doesn't that sound good?”

A hum of somewhat approval seeped through my barely parted lips, eyes narrowed as pain took over my face.

My mood dropped incredibly and all those disgusting memories of Sayo and that night in which he had tried to force himself on me bubbled up inside my stomach, sickening me. With a warped expression, I held my stomach as if I were to throw up any second, and my mind spun as I attempted to get those unwelcomed images away from my head.

“Hey,” Levi whispered carefully, taking my face in his hands, fingers caressing my cheeks very lightly.

“That fucking bastard. It’s because of him that I feel like vomiting right now.” I pushed out those words through gritted teeth, brows knitted together to a deep frown.

“Don’t let him make you feel bad or depressed. You know why?”

My mouth remained closed as I waited for Levi to carry on, though I hadn't really any hope that he could give me a satisfying answer.

“Because he didn't rape you.”

I stiffened for one millisecond, startling, as my eyes widened and my expression loosened. He was right. Levi was right. There still were no words that wanted to pass my lips, as though my throat had formed a knot to prevent any syllabes from escaping through it.

“It must be an awful feeling to have experienced with your own eyes that this thought of raping you had run through his mind when he attacked you, but he wasn't able to do it. Eren, he wasn't able to destroy you, and he never will. Get rid of thoughts and feelings that tell you otherwise because you know better than them that you were able to get away from something horrible, and only that matters. Some people are cruel and do cruel things to others. And the most difficult thing for survivors is to not lose themselves and their wills to go on in life. Some had to go through worse than others and have less hope in living a life without painful memories bothering them. The most important but also the most difficult thing to achieve is to be strong again afterwards. No one is weak. Eren, you told me that I can be your therapy. Whenever you feel down, whether it’s because you’re reminded of Sayo again or something totally different, I will help you go through it.” Both of his hands slid back to my neck as his eyes met with mine. By now I couldn't deny that his words – _his voice, his presence_ – were always evoking a strange feeling inside me, something that felt weird but wasn't making me uncomfortable — it was the exact opposite. I didn't believe that there was any other person who could move me with words as much as Levi did. My expression was soft again and there was a little smile lingering on my lips. “That’s the least I can do for you.” he ended.

As soon as he said those words, I thought of how much all of this had a connection to his own past. I hadn't expected that it would be easy for me to forget about an attempted rape that I had been a victim in, but when I got confronted with this matter today, I realized how much it actually took to get over harmful things. Not that I hadn't experienced harmful things before – because I had and the last experience had been me trying to get over Levi – but this here right now was something totally different. Even if it was a wound that was by far smaller than those Levi used to carry and endure, now I was a step closer to knowing and understanding how much he had had to go through and the fact that he had suppressed years of abuse and carried on with life and did everything to appear strong when in reality there had been invisible scars that coined him and made him to the person he used to be up until not so long ago, only showed that the things Levi was saying had a lot more meaning to them than one might think at first. Those weren’t shallow words; weren’t advice that would come from psychologists who, on top of that, were getting paid for dealing with other people’s problems. Levi knew very well what he was talking about and… In the end this was what we had in common. Both of us knew more than well what pain was and how it felt like.

“Yeah,” I breathed, voice hoarse, my forehead falling forward to meet with Levi’s chest, “You’re right. Sayo wasn't able to rape me. Because you rescued me. I’m so glad that you saved me.”

“I’m glad, too. I don't know if I were ever able to forgive myself for not having been able to save you. Probably not.” His hands trailed down my shoulders and arms until our fingers touched and threaded into each other. “You’re helping me cope with the suffering I had to endure. And now I want to do the same to you.”

The pain that I had actually suffered from before Sayo happened and which I used to burden my shoulders with was way worse than what Sayo had burnt into my mind. Though, I didn't want to tell Levi for obvious reasons, but at the same time I wondered whether he could figure out my struggle. After all it had been me who had told him not to worry about it anymore.

“I wish I knew an effective way to make up for every day I inflicted you pain, Eren.” He figured it out, as though he had just read my mind. “Emotional pain, that is.”

Slight (very slight) infuriation visited me and I lifted my head to say to Levi – voice having a touch of scolding, “We talked about this.”

“But—”

“Stay by my side. That’s all I want.”

“This can’t be enough. If I hadn't hurt you, I would have stayed by your side, too and anyway. That’s the least I can do.” he clarified, matter-of-fact.

Not knowing how to comment on this right away, I pouted, softly glaring at Levi for almost always having to point out the weak points of my arguments. “You have to accept it.” I thought I should just retort with something he had told me minutes before. “Because this is my answer to the matter.”

He didn't reply, and I could tell from his restless expression that he wasn't satisfied and would rather discuss the issue further. To not even tempt him, I put a finger over his lips, sushing almost inaudibly as I raised both of my brows playfully, and Levi’s brow twitched because it looked like I was some adult who was telling a child to be silent.

Chuckling, my face moved closer to him to plant a kiss on his lips, but Levi turned his head to the side, crossing his arms over his chest as he let out a quick huff. “You wish, huh?” he growled, meaning that I shouldn't even dream of kissing him after treating him like a kid.

I didn't step back, remained in my position as I tried hard not to utter anything and wait instead; wait until Levi would give in — batting my eyelashes and jutting my lips forward in a desperate attempt to get his attention. For one second his eyes averted to where I was and after a defeated sigh and a roll of his eyes, he pecked my lips quickly. “You won’t give up, will you?”

“No~” I cooed, sounding more than happy, clinging to him by claiming his neck with my arms.

Levi grabbed my thighs and hoisted up my body up and in a matter of seconds my legs were wrapped around his waist. He put me down on the dining table. I didn't release from him and Levi didn't intend to let go of me either, which was not that hard to figure out since he was peppering my neck with kisses and little bites, making me giggle to it because the touch of his lips was very light and thus tickled.

“I can’t believe that I can’t stay mad at you for long.” he rasped, his voice very low — almost erotic. “Stop doing what you’re doing to me. It’s bad that I can’t resist you.” His mouth found mine, lips locking with each other as though they were two puzzle pieces that fit to each other, complementary and at the same time completing. The tip of his tongue glid across my bottom lip, probing and tasting me.

Opening my mouth, I bit his bottom lip, tugging at it. I had surprised Levi by that, since he had expected to taste me from the inside of my mouth, but instead it was me whose tongue was practically claiming his. He found his composure very fast and took the lead again by leaning into me, my back pressed against the table surface now. A moan, so low and throaty, rose and left my lips, our hips pressing together and our buldges poking.

Before we could go any further with our kiss, already deepened and being at that point where we were sucking at each other’s tongues, both of us let one of our arms move wildly over the table and whisking once brought the things to the floor. The thuds caught our attentions and we parted.

“Let’s not give a shit about it.” Levi said fast, trying to claim my lips again, but I moved my head away, getting off the table.

“Making out on the table isn’t a good idea.” was all I said as I picked up the things that had been dropped.

From behind I could hear Levi groaning in annoyance. “The fuck? What kind of excuse is that? We went _past kissing_ on your desk in your office room once. Don’t you remember?”

“I do,” I answered, unfolding and viewing the front page of the newspaper article. Reading a few sentences of it again brought back upsetting feelings. And suddenly I didn’t want to be intimate with Levi anymore — as of right now. Even less was I eager to have his dick inside me.

“What’s up?” Levi asked, worried, as he stood close to me with one hand resting on my shoulder.

I took my eyes off the newspaper and looked up to him. For some reason my heart had picked up its pace to the point that I could listen to it bouncing hard inside my chest. Feeling like anxiety had taken over me, my hands trembled and it was as though I was left helpless.

“I’m sorry.” A whisper scurred through my lips.

“What for?” Levi took one hand of mine in his and gave it a squeeze. The way he looked at me was one of empathy but also confusion because he couldn't quite grasp why and what I was apologizing for.

“I’m not ready yet.” I admitted, the words having left my lips before I could give it a second thought and find out whether it was really the answer to how I was feeling.

As though he understood completely now, Levi brushed his fingers over my face and hair, holding me in place with his other arm. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn't have—”

“Stop apologizing it’s not your fault.” I said, a little bit too hast and a little bit too loud. Before I continued, I tried to settle myself. “There was no way you could have known that. I didn’t tell you. This isn't because of you. The reason lay in myself and myself only.”

There were many things roaming and busying my mind right now and I couldn't quite tell myself why I was against the thought of having sex with him.

Was it simply because I wasn't in the mood for it? Actually it would ease the situation a lot if this would be the answer, but I felt like it wasn't. For that my struggle was too strong.

Perhaps it was because we had talked about Sayo a few moments ago who – as both of us knew – had attempted to have sex with me forcefully.

Or maybe it was the fact that this would become our first time making love where both of us would do it while having affectionate feelings toward the other — no matter whether they were uttered verbally or expressed non-verbally.

Whichever the answer was… “I am scared.” I finished my thought, realizing too late that I had said the last thing out loud. _I was terrified of disappointing Levi and myself_.

Startling at my own words, I flipped my gaze to him and searched for any reaction featured on his face, fearing that I had made him be too concerned about this. Claiming that I was scared was an exaggeration — the best would be to take it back.

Levi _was_ very concerned, his face plastering a dead serious expression. “I see.” Two little words, but behind them hid a tone that sounded so… hurt?

“N-No, wait. This is not how I had meant it—” Before I could even say any more, Levi gripped my wrist and pulled me onto his lap, himself sitting on the table, cross-legged. He had tackled me to a tight hug, his hands placed over my lower back as my chin rested on his shoulder.

Confused, I hugged him back, gradually falling for the gesture because to my surprise it was very calming. I needed it. “Next time you will tell me, okay? Don’t hide any secrets when it has something to do with both of us and more importantly with our relationship.”

Levi’s breath was grazing the crook of my neck. I raised one hand and stroked his raven, silky hair. “I didn't know myself that I am feeling like this until seconds ago.” I said truthfully, leaning my head on his.

“I see.” The same two words, but this time his voice had altered, being softer.

We stayed like that for at least half an hour, letting time pass by as we listened to our breaths; even and in sync.

“Levi?” It was weird listening to the sound of my voice after having been in some kind of trance, caused by the relaxing silence.

“Yes.” Levi mumbled against my neck, his warm breath hitting my skin.

“Let’s just wait for the right time.”

“Okay.” He removed his head from the spot on my neck he had occupied for the past thirteen minutes and looked into my eyes; the intense hue of grey sucking me in wholly. “Fuck.” he growled, taking in my whole face with his solid stare.

“What is it?” I brushed a lock away from his forehead, not minding his choice of word that was a little out of place in my opinion.

“You are everything I don’t deserve.”

I tilted my head to this, giving him a small smile and a scolding look. “That’s not true and you know that. We deserve each other. There is no other person I want to be with more than with you.”

“Even after everything that happened, you are so gentle with me and also so patient. Sometimes I wonder why I deserve you.” His hands found mine.

I spread my fingers to lace them with his and then I scooted forward, our foreheads almost touching. “If you didn’t deserve me, I wouldn’t be here. With you.” I whispered against his lips, my eyes narrowing to them.

“I’m so glad that we met.” he confessed, drawing my attention to his eyes again. I saw bliss glinting in his eyes.

“Me, too.”

This moment seemed too beautiful and too surreal because since when was life perfect? But I had grown to like it and wanted more of it, not knowing that I would be confronted with harsh reality sooner than I thought.

There was one thing – one person – who hindered me to be as content and happy as this and as long as I didn’t make up for what I had fucked up, they had every right to drag me down and make me feel bad.

Right now I didn't know that they would roam my mind very soon.

Levi and I parted, I stood on my feet again and Levi did the same. One last glance at the newspaper as I wondered, “What do you think? How many more years will he get?”

Levi grabbed the papers and threw them away, throwing it into the trash can in a harsh move. His voice seemed calmer than his attitude though. “I don’t know. But if you are very intrigued in knowing that as fast as possible, I can ask Erwin.”

The twitch of my one eye and the little flinch that happened unconsciously was evidence enough to tell that I wasn't as cool about Erwin being mentioned as I thought. “Erwin?” I growled madly, teeth clenched, same with my fists.

“Yeah.” he answered casually, not minding – maybe not even noticing – that I was close to go through another mood swing.

“Why him?” I asked him in an attempted collected tone, though the fakeness in the nice tone I used could be seen through from hundreds of miles away.

“Because he is a lawyer. A successful, if not even the most successful, lawyer there is in—”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I flailed my arms in the air dramatically, rolling my eyes, speaking in a highly sarcastic manner, “Sorry for not being a renowned lawyer by profession and earning a bunch of money per month. How unfortune that I’m just a mediocre employee, specializing in design and working in a company that is smaller than most of the other ones outside of Wall Maria District.”

“Eren, are you jealous?”

“I am not!”

Levi crossed his arms, raising one brow. “That was a very quick answer — too quick, if you were to ask me.”

I wanted to counterattack, but I couldn't come up with anything to shoot back, so all I could do was to shiver in anger, lips practically glued together.

Levi closed the distance between us and held me by my arms, thumbs circling the fabric of my shirt. “We talked about this.” Now it was him imitating my words.

Not meeting his eyes yet, I continued to pout, head turned to the left. “F-Fine.” It took me a lot more effort than usual to utter a word as simple as this. “If he can give a rough estimate, you can ask him.”

“I’m sure he can.”

“Don’t be so full of yourself.”

“Now you’re being ridiculous, you know that?”

He was right. It was a surprise to myself how much my mood could change just because of misunderstandings between Levi and a person I had talked to _exactly one time_.

“Sorry.” I mumbled under my breath, being in my not-so-mature behaviour which would occur now and then. The word barely made it past my lips, but I’m sure Levi understood. He signalized that by kissing my forehead.

“Taking that aside, I’m pretty sure he’ll get quite a few years. After all one of the things we’re talking about is tax evasion. Especially Wall Sina District doesn't like to get fooled.”

“Yeah,” I commented, not being able to prevent another roll of my eyes. “Wall Sina District – Where all the riches and bitches live.”

Levi looked at me, astonished and quiet for a long time. Lost for words. “Tha…” He then put on a small smirk. “That’s a good one.”

I couldn't hold that little smug smile back that had made its way to my lips, flattening my mad expression. “I’m just telling the truth.” I said, no sarcasm hidden behind my voice.

He crossed his arms again, and there was a second raise of one of his brows, amusement playing on his face. “What if I reveal now that Erwin lives in Wall Sina District, too?”

Not having been prepared at all to hear something like this, I clutched my shirt, fist placed firmly over my chest as my mouth opened partly. In a very innocent voice, I said, “That makes him a bitch.”

“Stop it, Eren.”

“Okay, okay. But I should’ve fucking know it. Of course excellent lawyers would live there. There’s no doubt about that.”

Levi sighed, unfolding his arms. “Anyway. Let’s talk about something completely different. We’ve gotten into a quite depressing topic. That’s not good for us. I’d rather not think about that damn molester for the rest of the day. Do you have anything in mind you’d like to do?”

“Hm,” My brows creased as I was enwrapped deep in thoughts for a while, “I don’t wanna do anything today. Staying home doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

Levi didn't object. “Okay.”

I raised my right pointer finger. “Let’s just go to my room and make it ourselves comfortable on my bed.”

“We can’t lay in bed the whole day.”

“Yes, we can.” I insisted and took Levi by one hand, not accepting any objections.

The familiar feeling I was embraced with when I entered my own room after what had been ages sent me into a state of coziness. That mere thought of having a place to go home to gave me goosebumps and I didn't want it to be any different.

“I think I’ll spend the rest of the day in my room, wrapped in a blanket. That sounds nice. Levi, you’ll join me.”

“Gotcha.” He had followed me silently into my room. Actually it was me dragging him to my bed. It appeared that somewhere on our way to my room, Levi had made up his mind and started embracing the idea of laying in bed together with me.

The last time I had been in here was when I woke up from a nightmare and after that I had been crying and begging Levi to not give up on us. Recalling that memory wasn't really the best idea, but it wouldn’t effect me as much by now as it would a few days ago.

Shoving that thought aside, I forwarded to my bed, sitting down on it, Levi next to me. I was about to bury him and myself in my blanket and lean back on my bed, cuddled together, when something with eyecatching colours caught my sight. It was a box wrapped in wrapping paper that lay on a the nightstand next to my bed.

Seconds passed as I had been trying to remember again why something like this was laying on my nightstand. And then realization hit me hard. And with that came also unpleasant memories. Eyes widened, I reached for the box with heavily trembling hands, holding it in a tight grasp as my eyes were locked to it as if the thing I was holding was a deadly threat. “Oh my god…” I whispered quietly.

“I noticed this thing after you left. What is this gift?” Levi questioned from behind me, lightly tugging at my blanket.

“This is Armin’s birthday present.” I replied. A feeling of my heart being twisted in my chest engulfed me.

“You mean that blondie?” Levi hadn’t grasped my weird behaviour yet, but he did as soon as I dropped the present all of a sudden, standing up abruptly.

“Oh my god!” I rose from my bed, head buried in my hands, walking up and down my room restlessly. “Shit… Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I cursed, repeating myself and pushing my hair back aggressively.

“What’s up Eren?” Levi didn't seem to understand why I was so enraged, literally fuming.

And all of a sudden I felt bad again. It wasn't the same feeling as before. This time it was self-hatred. It felt as though an invisible hand was wrapping itself around my heart and squeezed crudely. Blood rushed through my body fast and I was close to faint from how much I was disgusted with myself right now. “Levi… I’m the worst.” I huffed exhaustingly, eyelids flattering as a bitter smile angled up.

“Can you enlighten me already and fucking stop being a riddle in person?” he snapped, pissed off.

I knew very well why Armin’s present had been on my nightstand the whole time. I had originally wanted to give it to him on his birthday, but wasn't informed about his absence on that day. In fact, I couldn’t have known because it was a surprise of Jean for Armin. That was why I had decided to visit Armin days later when he would be back home again, but in the meantime something else had happened; the incident at Levi’s family’s house. And since then… I had been caught up with other thoughts, having gone as far as to… break up with Levi. So when I moved to Armin, I left his present – that I had abandoned quite a while before – at my previous place. And due to… _certain occasions_ that had followed after that and the emotional struggle that had mixed up my life, it didn't cross my mind at all that there was a present for Armin waiting to be gifted to him.

But now that I remembered it again, my mind associated other, _cruel_ , memories with it.

The fight. My fight with Armin.

Oh my god, how could I forget about this?!

How did I dare have pleasant times with Levi over the past few days when there was my best friend (I hope Armin still saw me as one) who I owed a tremendous apology!

Armin…

That day of our fight…

God, I had been such a dick to him. All those things I said to him… I really did say them, didn't I?

_‘You’re pathetic.’_

_‘Someone like you who is thinking like that is the worst best friend one can ever have!’_

“Oi, Eren.” Levi had me in his arms, keeping me in place with his grip as I met eyes with him. The grey in his orbs was drowned in confusion, slight anger and deep concern. “Tell me what’s up. You are acting weirdly after having seen this gift. It’s just a present. What’s the matter?”

I stole peered at that said thing before my face cringed, the words refusing to come out of my mouth and neither did I want to hear them. “That gift there… is Armin’s present.” I whispered.

“We’ve already come that far. But that doesn't explain why you’re behaving like this.” Levi stated nonchalantly with a lack of understanding trailing in his voice.

“He’s my best friend. Or was… I don't know. No, he still is. And the last thing between us was a heavy fight. I accused him of cruel and untrue things, but didn't apologize to him for that. And now he’s probably hating me. Shit, I totally forgot about this. How could that happen to me?! How could I forget about my best friend?! The one I hurt with my insults!”

Levi’s grip around me softened. “You had other shits to deal with.” he tried. “Shits like me. It should he understandable why you couldn't or didn't care about other things.“

“You don’t understand,” The words were slow and took a lot of efforts, “It was because of Armin that I… that I could… with you… that I could reach the point we are at right now. Even if that had been motivating me only subconsciously.”

There was a little pause, Levi releasing from me completely. “I don’t understand.” he said straightforwardly.

Without explaining things any further, I turned on my heels and went away, towards the front door, with quick and determined steps. “I have to go to him.” Levi stood next to me in the hallway seconds later. “I have to apologize to him.” And then I was already putting my jacket on, fighting with my self-hatred.

“Are you alright like this? You look as if you’re hardly capable of controlling your feelings right now.”

“I will be able to contain my feelings.” I snapped. “It’s just that I judge myself so hard right now. I’m the worst. I’m seriously the worst.”

“I’m sure you’re exaggerati—”

“I know that when a fight happens, there are always two people involved in it,” I interrupted him, not being able to listen much to his words anyway, “but – speaking of majority – _I_ was the one who was the cruel one. _I_ said those mean things to him when I shouldn't have done so. _I_ accused him of things that were unlikely of Armin, but I spit them out anyway. Because I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut! _I_ was the one who had been unjust to my best friend!” I hadn't noticed how my voice had gained volume, sounding like I was lecturing Levi. “I’m sorry.” It left my lips without any thinking; an apology spoken out for the nonce.

“No, it’s okay.” He didn't talk as confidently as he always would. “Go and apologize to your best friend. It’s not like I wanted to stop you from doing that.”

Smiling shyly at him, I hoped he would forgive my harshness just now. “I didn't think of you doing that in the first place.”

“Good.” I gave him a quick peck on his cheek before I left the apartment.

Armin’s house was my destination and as much as I didn't want to admit it, but a gloomy feeling roamed my body, intensifying with every step that brought me closer to my best friend’s home.

My heart was beating inside my ears when I finally stood in front of Armin’s house, the door not even an arm’s length away. I had come here without any thoughts on how to approach Armin and even less did I know what I should say. It wasn’t a rarity anymore that I spit out the wrong words in the most unsuitable situations ever. Basically, this flaw was the reason why I was standing here right now. Because I couldn’t shut my mouth and threw false accusations and reproaches at my best friend. The worst would be another burst out of mine boiling up if it happened for Armin to reject my apology.

_Stay calm, Eren._

_You can do it._

With shaky fingers, I pressed down the door bell, gulping hard once. And my mind already began forming every imaginable scenario in my head. There were so many possible things that could go wrong and my brain wasn’t able (or didn't want) to come up with a possibility that wasn’t as bad as all the others.

When the door cracked open, I was sent back to reality instantly. Focusing on my front, I was met with a smiling blond. He looked so carefree, it flattered my heart and for one moment everything that had happened between us was forgotten. I wanted to smile back, but my facial muscles froze the next second. It was when Armin realized who was visiting him that his smile dropped rapidly and was replaced by a glare.

Of course he would react like that.

The ache wrenching at my gut now, I remained quiet and motionless, staring at Armin, resigned. I didn't want to look at his glare that was directed at me, but neither could I take my eyes off him because the pain that was reflected on his face, subliminal, made me feel the same as him. It hurt seeing my best friend hurt. And even more did it hurt when I knew that I was the one who had inflicted that pain to him.

Silence wouldn't bring me anywhere, though. “Armi—”

“Are you here to pick up your clothes?” His voice was monotonous and emotionless, the tone of venom biting my ears.

It was more than clear now; he didn't want to deal with me. “N-No.” It was the truth. It hadn't crossed my mind at all that more than half of my clothes were still at Armin’s, so him picking up that topic threw me off guard, but before I could even navigate the issue on my actual reason of being here, Armin had already stepped inside again, leaving the door open. “I’m here because I want to tal—”

And then he came back and dropped two big sportsbags in front of my feet. “Here.” He sounded so empty of emotions. “I’ve already packed them for you.”

Shifting my gaze down to the bags laying on the floor, I then curled one brow in disbelief. He didn't mean it seriously, did he? That was it? “Armin?” It couldn't be that he wouldn't even give me a second.

Armin’s expression didn't alter. As one hand gripped the door and the other hand was placed on his hips, he continued, “It’s not like you don't have anywhere to go to.”

My words were bouncing off him, treating them like air. He was about to go inside and leave me outside by the porch, but luckily my instincts reacted fast enough to fight against this, exclaiming, “Is that all?! You want to leave me here and don’t bother to listen to me? After days of silence between us you want to add more days in which we don’t talk through it, don’t sort things out, and instead we ignore each other?!”

Armin halted, staying like that for quite a while before he turned to me very slowly. He looked at me with the same dead eyes as before. “Fights between friends isn’t unusual. I gave you bad advice, and you got mad at me because of that. I know you very well to know that you would yell at me, that isn't the problem here. For once I couldn’t help you out and I’m sorry for that. It isn’t hard to guess that you want to apologize to me as well. I would forgive you because I was most likely in the wrong when I tried to figure out what would be the best for you. You see… Everything would have been forgotten so easily and so fast…”

No… I didn’t want to hear it. I had a vague thought of what Armin was going to say next and I didn't want to hear it. I was aware of where this would lead to and I did not want to face it.

“But not after everything you told me after that.” Armin ended, pushing out the words in a hoarse whisper.

I knew it. I fucking knew it. It was because of my harsh accusations I had thrown at him that he didn't want to settle things between us. And to be honest, I was in no position to judge him. I wouldn’t even do that. No syllabes would brush up the inner of my throat and pass my lips, my mind choaking my own self in hatred.

“You are actually smarter than that.” Armin said.

“I’m sorry, Armin.” There was nothing else I could say right now. I hadn't prepared myself for this and now I’d have to face the consequences. I was indeed not as dumb as one might think at first when meeting me for the first time, but when it came to issues that affected me directly and irritated me, most of the time I couldn't argue and phrase logical _and_ understanding words at the same time.

But right now it seemed as though my ability to reason had left my mind and my ability to feel something had left my body; both ghosting around in the world freely. It felt so odd and I wanted everything to pause in order to think of how to fix something I had fucked up big time. But nothing came.

“Why are you still here?” Armin went on casually, the tone he used stung because there was no way I could avoid how derogative he was treating me right now. “Aren’t you done yet? From what you told me last time all I can guess is that you wouldn't like to be around me more than necessary, right? Since I am a fake bitch who doesn’t care about anything else than money and my own selfish well-being, it’s better if you don’t talk to me.”

The tables had turned. Now it was me who got dragged down. Now it was me who was being blamed. On the one hand, it was only justified that I got everything back that I hurt Armin with. Karma would never skip a person. This was what I deserved. On the other hand, I realized how much this was unlike Armin’s nature. That he was backbiting was proof of how desperate he and the whole situation between us was. I’m pretty sure all he wanted was to end this fight – just like me –, but he couldn't. He couldn't do it as easily as that, and I understood.

But still… My selfish self wanted to shove everything bothering aside and make up with my best friend. Although both of us knew that we had much to overcome and climb over before we could get any close to a peaceful reconciliation.

It was a matter of pride.

“I’m sorry for everything I told you.” I said quickly, feeling as though time was running away. Practically it was. It was only a matter of seconds until—

“Leave.” Armin said sternly, growling.

Even though I had expected that to come out of his mouth any time soon, I didn't want to leave everything as it was for the time being.

Mind still foggy, I had to witness with my own eyes how Armin stepped back and closed the door. My legs started to do its purpose last second and I sprawled my arms forward, attempting to stop him from separating us by that door. “Armin, you were right!” I yelled in despair, the only comprehensible thing my mind had formed and let me say out loud. But it was no use because I screamed those words against a closed door, my whole body hitting the surface, fists first.

The door didn't open again. Sighing in defeat, I straightened my body and grabbed my things then. As I walked a few steps away, I made out sounds of something opening. Twisting my head back, I met with a really mad looking Jean who was stomping his way to me fast and with clenched fists. I dropped my bags in an instant and took steps backwards, trying to get away from him as much as possible. That idea died out the second my back met with the wall and it didn't take long for Jean to catch up, our faces mere inches apart now.

The whole time I had expected him to strike or punch, I was even mentally prepared for it. And I didn't believe in being spared, not when those vicious, mad eyes were fixated on me. Jean was breathing loudly through his nose (in this very moment I couldn't even compare him to a horse), eye twitching and fists shivering in wrath. My heart was throbbing against my ribcage and there was no way I could defend myself now, if Jean were to fist my face — _which he still hadn't done yet._

Not only now, but thinking back, I was surprised that Jean hadn't chased after me to beat the shit out of me. It was out of question for Jean not knowing about Armin’s and mine fight; obviously he knew because else he wouldn’t have come after me right now when the opportunity had been given; piercing me with his death glares.

The back of my body was still pressed against the wall, blood rushing through my veins as some of Jean’s popped out under the skin of his neck.

“I know what you're thinking right now.” he snarled, voice as poisonous as snake venom. My mouth remained shut, not daring to say anything wrong now. “Oh, trust me, Eren. I would _love_ to beat the shit out of you. I’d have done that days ago.”

Swallowing thickly, sweat rolled down my forehead as I furrowed my brows tentatively, wondering what Jean was trying to tell me.

I tried it with words — the emphasis lay on ‘trying’. “Wha—”

“But I promised Armin not to!” he yelled, and in one quick movement his back was facing me now and in one blink of the eye he was inside again, having slammed the door awfully loudly.

The pressure that had lingered around me in the air and weighted me down vanished, just as Jean had. Breathing didn't feel problematic anymore, either.

Resting in place at first, I then let out a big huff, raking fingers through my hair. Examining my hands then, I noticed how much they were shaking.

Fuck. Jean, that bastard.

I didn’t waste a second anymore and left as quickly as possible because I was so done for today. Though on my way, I couldn't do else than to think about Jean’s words. He promised Armin, huh? I couldn't believe that horseface was a good person sometimes. At least good for Armin. That was it. If he succeeded in not punching me when he wanted to do it the most, it meant that Jean was a husband worth for Armin. To me, he still was a dick, but he wasn't a complete dick. And if he wasn't a complete dick… his personality couldn't be as bad as I had thought, either.

When I had arrived at home again, the first thing I did was to kick the bags I had with me away, aggressive, the bags sliding along the hallway floor.

“This seems like it didn't go well.” I heard Levi say from the living room. He had probably seen my wonderful performance of letting my anger out by treating things roughly.

After sighing heavily once, I pinched the bridge of my nose to calm myself down. I then made my way to the living room. There, I spotted Levi on the dining table, a laptop in front of him, one arm propped up, his face leaning against his palm. He eyed me with one raised brow, but other than that there wasn't anything that would reveal his view on my problem.

“It was utter shit. I didn't know what to say and he treated me just as I had treated him back then, but to be quite frank that was only fair.” I nagged, taking a seat next to him as I rested my forehead on the table.

“What did you say to him during your fight? This sounds as though you insulted him in the worst way ever.”

Tilting my head to the side to establish eye contact with him, I answered, “I called him pathetic. I accused him of enjoying how I was failing in life and love. I told him that to me he was the worst best friend ever.”

There was a long and unbearable silence between us and Levi’s surprised expression didn't make it any better. In contrary, it made me feel even worse than I was feeling already. As my expression saddened, I turned away in order to not face Levi’s judging look.

“Wow, Eren. You’re really good at insulting others in the worst way possible.”

“I know.” I whined. My head jumped up. “Don’t remind me of it. I’m the worst when I’m mad or when I can’t think properly for whatever reasons.”

“Wanna talk about the thing that happened between you and blondie just now?” He spoke in a very understanding tone, even closing his laptop.

“Don’t call him like that. His name is Armin.” Levi didn't comment on it, and I went on, sighing again. “We hadn't a real talk in the first place. I wasn't able to make any progress. When I looked at him and he back at me, it was as though we were back in time when our fight had taken place. I could sense that the wounds of our fight still were as fresh as on that said day and the vulnerability that hung above us made me insecure. I didn't want to say anything wrong _again_. But at the same time I couldn't think of anything to make things better.” A quick glance at Levi before another desperate huff of air was squeezed out of my lungs. “I’m sorry for my whining. You probably don’t want to hear any of it.”

“No, it’s okay.” Levi clarified neutrally, and he rose one hand, hesitating at first, but then those fingers nestled into my hair, ruffling. “I don’t mind because I asked.”

His stroking hand sent comfortable waves through my body and it was hard to resist the soothing touch, so I fell for it without any restraints coming from me. After some time, his fingers stilled. Seconds later, they travelled the side of my head until they cupped my cheeks. With closed eyes, I let those fingers do anything to me, smiling contently to myself. “Your touches are so addictive. I can’t get enough of them.” I tilted my head into his palm.

“What do you wanna do now? You won’t give up that easily, will you?”

“Of course not.”

“Everything else would have been not like you, to be honest.” Levi smirked lightly, retreating his hand which I found saddening because I had nothing against consuming more of his touches.

“My first attempt today may have been shit, but I will keep at it. Also, Armin and I _will_ see each other many times, so him avoiding me is practically impossible. After all,” A big grin was planted on my face, “we have the same work place.”

~~~

Never ever had I been this wrong in my entire life. When I entered Pixis Corporation after what felt like years, I couldn't know yet that my task was way more difficult than I had imagined and later I would find out that the impossible was indeed so damn possible.

As I walked past the entrance door, I already started looking around, searching for a certain blond guy who might or might not have arrived here before me.

“Hey! Eren!” Sasha exclaimed from her place, waving madly at me. Next to her stood Connie. I looked at them, but was not interested in talking to them right now, so I attempted to look as indifferent as I could. I knew what they would ask me first. “Long time no see! Where were you the past few days? You didn't apply for day offs, so either you decided not to show up at work spontaneously or something happened. What was it?” she asked, the curiosity in her voice hard to ignore.

I dedicated myself back to search for Armin, saying by the way and as casually as possible, “I was hindered.” That was basically it. I had been hindered.

“What do you mean? That could be everything!” Sasha questioned, grinning at me as she shoved a sandwich into her mouth.

“Oh, oh!” This time it was Connie speaking, smirking just as widely as her, snickering as he told her, “Maybe it’s because he has found a girlf—”

“Do you two mind?” I interrupted them harshly.

“Fine.” Connie drew out the word that rolled of his lips lazily, rolling his eyes to it.

And it was at this very moment that the door behind me was opened and it was no other than Armin who entered the place. Out of reflex, I turned my head to the sound of a door being opened and coming to face with Armin baffled me that much at first that I couldn't do else than to stay motionless and stare at him like an idiot.

Armin did the same, mouth slighly opened but no words were coming out, he was silent and still like a rock. At some point, it became awkward so that even Connie couldn't follow this act anymore.

“What’s up with you two?” he asked in a scoff.

Armin’s eyes moved from me to Connie and Sasha, and he crinkled his brows. I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding in and reached out to him, my arm moving very slowly.  

From one second to the other his expression changed to a frown and he walked straight to his office, avoiding me. “Armin!” I shouted, and wanted to follow him, but he was out of reach faster than I could react.

“Wow. Armin is mad at Eren. Now that’s something new. What did you do, Eren?” Sasha cooed in an innocent tone, blinking fast repeatedly as she smirked and waited for the answer that wouldn’t do any good but rather make me feel guiltier than I was already.

Instead of giving in and sinking in self-hatred and self-hatred, I glared at Sasha, my fists clenching. “Don’t you have a job to do?” I said in a bitter tone.

She shrugged. “Yes, but watching this here is more fun.”

“Go to hell.”

“Nah.”

Before I could even _start a fight_ with those two, Pixis approached up and cleared his throat to gain our attentions. The fact that he was here established a weird feeling in my stomach. He was here because of me. It was most likely that.

“Oh, Eren. You’re finally showing up at work again. Good morning. Do you have some time for a talk?” I knew it. “Come to my office, please.” He didn't awaited an answer but headed to his office, and I had to follow his order silently. Sasha and Connie were silent, too, because we all knew that Pixis could be really scary and no one of us wanted to risk getting intimidated by him.

In his office, I was offered a seat in front of his desk and I accepted. He propped his arms on his elbows, fingers threaded and mouth hidden behind them. I didn't meet his eyes, having my head lowered instead.

“Why were you absent the past few days without informing Sasha or me?” he began, speaking in his usual raspy voice.

Taking a shuddery breath, I replied with, “I’m sorry for having taken some days off without any knowledge. It won’t happen again.” Inwardly I hoped he would be satisfied with this answer.

A little pause before he clarified, “This doesn't answer my question.” Of course he wouldn't leave it at that.

I kept my mouth shut, the least I’d like to do was to explain to him the reasons behind my absence.

But Pixis seemed to understand that it was a very sensitive topic, so he thought of how to proceed now. “Let me rephrase it: Was it personal or business reasons?”

I took another deep breath, playing with my fingers. “The latter.”

“Eren, you know that, as my subordinate, I have to guarantee you a safe and fair working atmosphere. The well-being of my employees at work is top priority. Whatever bothered you, you can entrust it to me. Else I can’t help you out.”

“It’s over. There’s nothing that can be changed anymore.” I said, determined.

“The problem was…?” Pixis insisted, though he didn't appear intimidating or annoyingly insistent.

I decided to let the cat out of the bag. There was no point in going on like that. I had that much faith in my superior as to tell him the truth because I was sure that he would (and had to) keep it a secret from his other employees or any other persons. “Sayo.”

Pixis groaned lowly, his face scrunching painfully. I heard him murmur “I had hoped it wouldn't be him.” before he rummaged around in one of his drawers. “There are questions I wanted to ask you and Armin regarding your trades of clients, which I hadn't had time to do so yet, but first,” he paused and dropped a newspaper to his desk, presented right in front of my sight so that my eyes wouldn't miss it. It was the newspaper from yesterday. “Does this have something to do with you?”

If one was able to put the pieces together, not even anonymity would help.

The distressed expression on my face that was evoked by the article that had been oh so familiar to me was all Pixis needed to understand.

“I see.”

~~~

Forty-five minutes later, I was finally freed from Pixis’ grasp. The talk we had was very intense, but luckily I hadn't felt too uncomfortable to give him every every necessary information without having to go into much details. The fact that Pixis knew how to deal with stuff like that eased me. I was certain not every employer would have had approached that topic as careful and with fine senses as he did. I was just glad that it was over.

Taking that aside, it wasn't much later that I was reminded again that there still had been a problem I needed to solve. As I closed the door to Pixis’ office and took my time to settle myself by breathing out relaxing breaths, I caught side of Armin who was conversing with Sasha. Seeing no better opportunity to take than right now, I stepped up straight to him with big steps. I grabbed one of his arms softly. “Hey, Armin. Can we—”

He tugged his arms away from my hold abruptly as though fire had touched him, and the next moment he looked at me with madness in his face. “Don’t touch me.” he growled, the tone in his voice so strange and foreign to me. His eyes averted to the side and then he went straight to his office, carrying papers along with him. Irritation boiled up inside of me, and I ground my teeth.

With one smooth swivel of my heels, I walked the same direction as Armin until I outpaced him and blocked the way to his office. Spreading my arms to the sides, I trapped him in the hallway, not feeling like giving up at all. Armin was certainly mad at me, but I was mad at him as well. Two could play this game. Armin gripped his sheets tighter – which were pressed against his chest – as he threw a scowl at me. “Why are you doing this? It’s pointless.” he barked in annoyance.

He made a step to the side and I did the same. “I want to talk to you.” Armin didn't stop finding a way to go past me and I didn't stop to hinder him to do so. There was a moment in which we stepped to the one and then to the other side like total idiots before I made a step forward. But I found out quickly that I shouldn't have done this. “Armin, let’s ta—”

“Leave me alone!” he yelled, and dropped his sheets in the process. His hands in the air at first, they moved to his head, fingers shaking as they took fistfuls of blond locks. I was shocked by his reaction and hatred shot straight into my chest because I figured out it that was my fault that he was like that right now. Armin’s bottom lip quivered, despair written all over his face and then he bent down to pick up the papers, cursing, “Shit.” under his breath.

Everything turned out worse because Armin cursing was as unnatural as a child not loving sweets. I was caught in my own thoughts when Armin was collecting his things, unable to order my body to move. Emptiness delved into my mind, questioning whether trying was even a good option at this point. I almost fell into this trap, but fortunately I was able to get rid of those thoughts. Though, the second I gained my senses again, Armin had already made his way past me and to his office, locking the door.

I stated at the door for an eternity, anger taking over me one more time, and I yelled to no one in particular but the door, “That attitude of yours won’t bring us anywhere! How long do you want to go on like that?! Forever is not an option! That’s ridiculous!”

And then I was the second person who locked themselves in their own office.

The juxtaposition was that I had somehow managed to cool myself down in some way, but at the same time my patience had gone abroad and now I wanted to do everything possible to bring Armin to reconcile.

So two hours later, I forwarded to his office again. I bet my whole money on him not having left his desk at all. “Armin!” I screamed, violating the door with my aggressive knocks, my fist slamming onto the wood. “Open the door! Let’s talk! I won’t go away until we’ve had had a proper talk! Don’t be ridiculous! Open the damn door or else I’ll kick it open! You know that I’ll try that for real if you don’t do what I’m telling you.” I was so damn ready to try that out. No way was I going to give in. Even if it meant to use violence. “I’ll give you five seconds. One, two—”

Glad that my threat had some effect on him, the door was ripped open and the first thing that jumped into my sight was the anger that decorated Armin’s face. “I am not interested in having a broken door, but even less am I interested in dealing with you in any way today. Leave me at peace, you’re giving me headaches.”

“That’s good because I won't stop annoying the fuck out of you. Don’t be stubborn and— Hey! Where are you going?! Don’t ignore me!” This time I stepped inside, following Armin closely behind him. I was about to grab his shoulders and turn him around when two handfuls of sheets were thrown at me all of a sudden. The pages hitting my face hard, I was unable to see for a few seconds, but I attempted to get away from the paper rain as fast as possible because the suspicion of Armin having done that to run away from me and possibly hide was very high, so I backed up and searched for him outside of his office. First thing he had to pass was the hallway, which was good because at the other side of it I spotted him, distancing himself from me very quickly.

Not wasting any time, I sprinted, the lunatic determination that rushed through my blood fueling me. I caught up to Armin in the entrance hallway, where receptionists were working, and going past it would bring someone either straight outside or to the other floors of this building, or the cantine.

Thanking Heaven for being faster than Armin at running, I grabbed his wrist and turned him around forcefully. His expression hadn’t changed, but I honestly didn't give a fuck about that right now. It wasn't like I had made his day brighter with my existence, anyway.

Giving him the same vicious expression back, I spat, “I swear, if you won’t to talk to me voluntarily I will—”

“You are going to do what? Huh?!” Armin retorted with a highly risen tone, snappish, “Are you going to hi—” And then his breath halted and the words were trapped in his throat. This caught even me off guard and I watched Armin in disbelief; in denial of what had almost happened – _said out loud_ – just now. My face saddened and the expression I wore signalled disappointment, and disappointment only.

Big blue eyes were parted widely and shock sealed in Armin’s face. All eyes were fixated on us, heavy silence filling the room.

Even though he didn't finish it, the missing words completed themselves in my mind.

_‘Are you going to hit me again?!’_

“N-No,” Armin stuttered, a very insecure upcurve of his lips twitching. That smile had appeared for a mere second, though. He went back to being serious very fast. “I won’t go that low. I’m sorry, Eren.”

If it wasn't for the people around us, still bothering to witness, I would have let out a loud grotesque laughter. I would have been carried away by madness because this right now was so— “Funny. How funny.” Subconsciously, my grasp tightened. “It’s ludicrous, _insane_ , how you can say that to me when I’m trying to do the exact same to you the whole time already.”

Armin’s breath came out uneven and I was so close to push my best friend away from me, but this time it would mean an end forever.

I had… to get ahold of myself.

If not…

“It hurts.” Armin whispered, which confused me at first, but soon I found out that it was his wrist – which I was holding firmly – that he meant. Immediately, I let go. My hand retreated to the back of my head because I wanted it to be as far away from him as possible. I didn't want to hurt my best friend anymore. I’d already fucked up big time, no reason to add on it unnecessarily.

Armin rubbed his reddened wrist first and then a hand covered his forehead, his eyelashes fluttering. “I feel so dizzy.”

“Armin, are you okay?” Sasha called out from her seat. “Eren, go back to your office and do your work. “

By now the other emolyees had dedicated themselves to their own work again and it was only Armin, Sasha and me left in that mess of banter. Sighting how my best friend was almost fainting and knowing that I was at fault, caused my stomach to twist and coil, an awful feeling whirling inside me.

Own head dropped, I watched how Sasha threw one of Armin’s arms around her shoulder. In a soothing voice, she told him, “You need to sit down. I’ll give you some water.” Her voice sounded dull in my ears, so far away.

Unaware of the reason behind the words that were uttered next by me, I didn't give them a second thought and said out of the blue, “Levi and I are a couple now.” It was directed at Armin, and it was close to impossible for him to not have heard this. I had said it loud enough to him and hadn't been murmuring either.

It was only my head that I tilted back, waiting for a reaction coming from him. Armin had stopped in his tracks along with Sasha and turned his head, too, though only a bit, so that he was looking to the side, but his hair wouldn’t give me sight of his face. Right now, I was really intrigued in knowing what face he was making. It was important to me.

“Good for you two.” he retorted after a while, his tone revealing surprisingly nothing that would hint at his true feelings which might or might not flow through his mind and body right at this very moment. “I’m glad to hear that. Really.”

The feeling of wanting to get out of this place gnawed at my mind constantly, and I couldn't think of anything better than to give in to that urge. One last glance at Armin, who had sat down and propped up his elbows, cupping the upper half of his face in exhaustion, and then I made a quick leave.

Somewhere in the background I made out the voice of Sasha yelling at me, telling me that I wasn't allowed to leave work right now since I had already missed days.

This was the least I could care about right now and let me tell you that I didn't give two shits about work right now.

. . .

**Armin**

I drank up the water that Sasha had given me, which I was very grateful for. Unlike a few minutes ago, I felt a lot better now. At least physically. To be quite frank, it was only physically.

“Are you feeling better now?” Sasha asked me in a cheerful voice.

“Better is a relative term.” I smiled barely visibly, creating a firm grip around my glass, trembling lightly.

The last words Eren had said to me before he went away were so vivid in my mind and it was as though my brain was playing ‘repeat’ the whole time.

_‘Levi and I are a couple now. Levi and I are a couple now. Levi and I are a couple now.’_

At least there was one good news; not for me, but for Eren.

I was sure that it was the truth, he wouldn't go cheap ways to approach me.

“You’re putting up an act, you know?” Sasha interrupted my train of thoughts, and I snapped back to the present. I gave her a questioning look, more to show her that I heard only half of the things she said than to ask her what she meant. She was sitting on the edge of her own desk, right in front of me, leaning a bit forward as she smiled at me. “Why won’t you let your mask fall off from you? Being so stubbornly repellent towards Eren is unlike you.”

I didn't want to think of whether she was right or not, since other thoughts were occupying my mind. Eren’s words wouldn't leave my head, and I had no clue what to do, my feelings were one big mingle-mangle.

Even if literally nothing was alright between us, I was relieved that Eren had sorted out things with Levi. Technically it would be enough if he had Levi only. After all… a lover was more important than a best friend.

“Armin, you’re crying.”

“Huh?”

It was not until now that I noticed the tears flooding my cheeks as one stream on each side of my face. I blinked several times, one hand of mine wandering up to reassure myself that I was really crying. The wetness beneath my fingers were a clear answer. Overwhelmed by this, all that I could think of doing was to wipe some tears off my face frantically.

I stared down. “Oh, I’m sorry.” Shaky fingers wiped over drenched sheets. “I-I’m staining some of your assignments.”

Sasha lay a hand over my wiping hand, bringing it to a halt. “That doesn't matter right now.” She brushed away some of my strands, the back of her hand drying off more of my tears. “You aren't the only one who is dissatisfied with how things are like at the moment. I bet Eren is suffering, too.”

She didn't know what the circumstances between Eren and I were, but her words might have a spark of truth to it.

I had my eyes directed to my fingers first and then I looked up to Sasha, another load of tears accumulating in my eyes, blurring my sight. “I don’t want this anymore.” I choked out, gulping, my voice shaking. “But I don’t know what to do.” Shoulders trembling, a release of a wet flow covered half of my face again.

In less than three seconds Sasha had swung her arms around me to a hug. I cried into her shoulders, sobbing and sniffing, letting everything out. It was the second time I lost my composure because of Eren and I’s fight and the disadvantage right now was that I was in public. Not that I cared about the place I was crying at, but the thing was that I was causing inconveniences.

“I want my best friend back.” I cried out, a feeling of a black hole inside my chest remembering me of how there was something missing.

“You’ll get your best friend back.” Sasha reassured me, stroking my hair.

After some time, my cries subsided, but they weren’t gone completely. With swollen eyes and puffed cheeks, I told her, “I think I’m fine as for now. You can let go of me.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded.

She was about to loosen the embrance when the entrance door was opened unexpectedly. Jean came in, carrying a plastic bag.

“Hey, Sasha. Where is Armin? Still in his office or already gone to the cantine? Guess who's here to treat him some exquisite lunch.” He pointed at himself. “His babe.”

“Oh, crap.” Sasha whispered, laughing insecurely.

Eventually, Jean’s eyes landed on Sasha in particular. And with that, he spotted me automatically, too. “Don’t ignore me, potato girl. Tell me where Armin i—” And then he locked eyes with me; with my swollen eyes, reddened from crying. Jean’s expression became serious in a split of a second and then he was slowly walking towards us, grabbing a pen in the process. “Oi, Sasha. What did you do my Armin? Why is he crying?” One eye was twitching madly and the pen in his grasp was almost cracking, the tip pointed at her.

Sasha held onto me tighter. “Ehehehe. I-It isn’t what it looks like. I swear.”

As a result, she received a pen hitting her forehead, bringing her down to the floor. “Ow! That hurt!” She complained as she rubbed the affected spot.

I was on my way to help her up, asking her if it hurt too much while doing so, but before I could do anything, Jean had already shoved me back to my seat. Gripping both sides of my shoulders, giving a soft squeeze, Jean and I stared into each other’s eyes.

“Eren?” he asked, as though he could mind-read.

I nodded weakly, biting my bottom lip. Then I embraced his neck, yearning for physical affection. I wanted to hug him, that would calm me down.

In the end, Jean carried me home bridal style.

. . .

**Eren**

Sprinting to my house and having arrived there now, I shut the door exaggeratedly loudly, slamming my fist against it as I exclaimed a loud “Fuck!”

My forehead met the door after that, but I was soon interrupted in my cursing and self-hating.

“Hearing that means today it didn't go well either?” I heard Levi’s voice from a bit far away and when I turned around, I saw him standing on the threshold to the living room, one hand leaning against the frame.

“Why are you already home?” I asked him instead of answering his question.

“I didn't go anywhere in the first place. Today, I was able to do some of my work at home via laptop.” He cocked his head. “So?”

I made some steps forward, hitting the door one last time. “It was awful. I made things between us worse. Armin probably hates me even more now.” My hands clawed around the edge of the commode that was standing in the hallway; a key bowl, an address book, and several porcelain pieces were decorating the surface. “Everything I do solely has destructive effects.” Wrath boiled up inside me and the sudden wish to break everything intact ontop of the commode didn't sound so wrong anymore. I grabbed one porcelain vase and placed it over my head, ready to smash it — and with that, everything else, too. “There’s nothing I’m good at besides ruining everything and everyone around me!”

“Oi, Eren.” Levi snapped harshly, preventing the vase from breaking by gripping both the porcelain and my wrist.

Although there was no point to it, I tried to hit the commode with the vase nevertheless. “Let go!” I screamed, voice high-pitched in pure anger.  

“There are other _and better ways_ to let your anger out.” he claimed, trying to release my fingers from the fragile porcelain. My fingers had hooked around it very firmly and maybe it was my imagination, but I swear I could hear it cracking underneath my palm. “Let go of the vase! It’s breaking. You’ll cut your own fingers!”

“I don’t care!” Now all I had wanted to do was to let it crumble under my grasp, at least then I’d have destroyed it in some way. But Levi was faster and has pushed away the thing in my hand before my skin would tear open from any sharp shards. The vase fell to the floor and broke, but this didn't mean I would give up. Instead, I spread my arms and was about to knock over everything that lay on the surface. Again, nothing happened because Levi tugged me away from anything that was in reach for me by my wrists. Though he wasn't fast enough, so that my foot kicked the side of the furniture violently hard before it was far enough from me. I let out an angered cry.

“Bring your anger under control, for fucking’s sake.” Levi cursed in a growl, voice stern.

“No! I want to destroy something!” I fought against his grasp, wiggling my arms in every direction to get free.

“I’m here. I want to help you.”

His words triggered something off inside me, and with other thoughts swimming around in my mind now, I stopped my struggling, staying completely motionless for a few seconds. My loud breathing was the only thing that could be heard.

“Eren.” Levi’s voice chimed in my ears; so calm and tender. I shifted the front of my body to him, pinning him against the wall. Clutching fistfuls of his shirt, I then buried my head into his chest. And then dry chokes rose from my throat as teardrops forced themselves out of my pressed eyelids. Hiccupping and sobbing uglily, I let myself lose any restraints — displaying my weak and pitiful side. Levi wrapped his arms around me. “Let everything out that needs to be released.”

And I did. My anger switched over to desperate exhaustion and all I needed was a clensing by crying out the negative emotions. During my outbreak, Levi didn't say a word and waited patiently for me to release everything until there was nothing left.

Minutes later, I went silent. The only thing I heard was my shallow breathing, but when I concentrated hard enough, I was able to make out Levi’s heart thumping in a steady rhythm under his chest. I listened to it still, taking in the easing effect his heart beat emitted.

“Are you alright?” he questioned after a while.

I wiped the wetness that stuck to my face off on his shirt and stepped a step back, not looking at him yet.

I sniffled. “I’m sorry. Normally, I’m not that impulsive anymore.”

“How are your fingers?”

“They’re okay.” Knowing he wouldn't be satisfied with only an answer, I showed him my palms in additon. I averted my eyes as I asked him sheepishly, “Can I have one of your teas?”

“Right away.”

Levi stepped up into the kitchen and I had followed him, having my hands draped around his upper arm. As he was preparing tea, I hid my head in the crook of his neck. One hand of mine reached down to his one and I let our fingers interwine. Levi’s thumb traced my skin, soft and featherly.

“Go to the living room and make it yourself comfortable there.” he suggested. “I’ll be there in a few minutes. The tea doesn’t take long anymore until it’s brewed.”

Nodding, I exited the kitchen and made my way to the room next to it. On my way, I took off my black cravat and grey jacket and dropped both of them to the floor, not bothering to place them somewhere where they wouldn't be in the way.

When I had arrived the couch, the first thing my eyes caught were two long clothings wrapped in plastic film. “What are these?” I asked, voice raised to reach Levi who still was in the kitchen.

“Our Halloween costumes.” he shouted back, volume as high as mine had been. “They arrived today.”

Irritated by that, I took them by their hangers and threw them behind my back, hearing how they plumped to the floor; plastic crunching and metal clanking. “I don’t want to go to Hanji’s Halloween Party,” I stated, grumpy, “I don’t want to attend anything, I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to do anything as long as I haven’t sorted things out with Armin.”

I took off my grey pants before I seated myself on the couch, wearing only boxers and a shirt now. Not much later, Levi joined me with two cups in his hands, and on his way, he stopped in his tracks, puzzled, a slight irritation evident on his face. He seemed like he didn't know where to look at first. Everywhere it looked like a mess, which it was. Sighing, he said, “I shall ignore the mess you made.” He set down the cups on the coffee table, grabbing a blanket to throw it over my half-naked body. “Don’t sit in only boxers and a shirt. You’ll catch a cold.” He turned off his laptop before he sat down next to me. When he did so, I picked up some of the blanket and placed it over his stomach and lower half. “How kind of you, Eren Yeager.”

I sulked to his statement, a little heat warming up under my cheeks. “I don’t want you to freeze your ass off, either.” was all I commented with, sitting cross-legged, while Levi had his legs stretched, but also crossed.

Eventually, I received the tea I had requested, taking a probing sip. “Watch out, the tea is—”

“Ouch!” A burning sensation that felt like fire stung on my tongue.

“—still hot.” Levi ended, though his warning had no use anymore.

Even though I had a hand clapped over my mouth, I mumbled to him, “The tea tastes extraordinarily good nevertheless.”

“Always pleasant to hear.” Levi sighed again and placed his cup on the table, next to the ashtray that already had a few cigarette butts squashed. He scooted me closer to him, snaking an arm around my back. His lips brushed my ear and it was in a raspy whisper he spoke with. “Should I talk to him? Maybe if he hears how much you regret the things you did to him from another person, he’ll be willing to accept your apology.”

I shook my head. “No. I have to manage it by myself. What kind of friend am I if I can’t even straighten the problems between us without any help coming from a third party? I _need_ to do this alone.” I cocked my head to him. “Just be my mental support, okay?” I begged, my tone bordering on sugar-sweet.

“Supporting someone mentally and emotionally obviously isn’t one of the best things I’m good at, but of course I will try my best.”

“Are you kidding me? You could handle my anger better than I had ever expected it from you. There are only a few who could deal with it in the past. If I remember it right, the only person who knew best how to get me away from my rage was Armi—” I groaned, closing my eyes as I scolded myself for my dumbness. “God, I hurt him so much with my words.” I rested my head on Levi’s shoulder, looking to the front. From the black TV screen (which was turned off right now) I could see how Levi was furrowing his brows at me, but then his expression softened. Hesitantly, he tilted his head, too, and placed it over my head.

I chuckled almost inaudibly. He was acting so cute right now.

“Is it okay to—”

“Yes, totally.” I replied before I let him finish his question, because I knew what he had wanted to ask. “I told you that I’d really like to have you as my mental support.”

“Is that the only purpose I live for for you from now on?” he said, teasing.

Smiling genuinely, I confessed, “Be my everything.”

There was a little pause, our calm breathings audible. “Alright.”

I hummed and closed my eyes, embracing the silence that coined the moment.

“I think I know very well how you feel.” Levi asserted, minutes having passed. “Hurting someone with words – _I_ did even worse to _you_ – but once one has realized what they’d done, they’ll feel bad as hell and want to take everything back.”

Opening my eyes again, I searched for his free hand under the blanket. Levi noticed and helped me out. Our fingers met in the middle. Slowly, they entwined. “Even if you think that we’re alike in this issue, the truth is we aren’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“You have it better than me. Because I’ve forgiven you. I don't know how long it’ll take for me to have reached that point with Armin. But one thing is for sure,” I stared at our intermingled fingers from over the cover. Like that, they looked like one big ball. “I want my best friend back.”

Saying that evoked a weird feeling because it meant that I had no best friend at the moment. Which was the harsh truth.

“One day, there’ll be something that will bring you two together. I don’t know much about your friend, but there’s a reason why a best friend is called a best friend, I guess. I bet he'll have troubles getting you out of his mind.”

Something seemed… “That last thing you said… Well, I just want to make sure, but… You’re talking from experience, right?”

“Hell yes.”

I couldn't hold back a chuckle because Levi admitted this so carefreely and, to be honest, it made me flush. Hearing how Levi couldn't get me out of his mind in the past… it was flattering to know.

“But I can't say more than that,” he went on, “you know… I don’t have the experience and so on.”

I sat up straight, gulping down the rest of the tea before I set the cup down on the coffee table, running my sleeve over my mouth once. “You see,” I began, taking a second to find the right words, “Whether in a friend- or relationship, not everything is or should be forgivable.” I shrugged my shoulders one time, signalling with that that I wanted him to give his opinion on it.

Levi was confused at first, but then said, “I second that.”

I continued. “Now… I don’t think that what I did is completely unforgivable. I mean, there are worse things that could have happened. For example… I’d have totally understood, if Armin had wanted to break our friendship after finding out that I had slept with Jean, his husband. No, wait… No, no, no, wait a sec.” I shuddered in disgust, shaking that image off my mind as quickly as possible. “Forget that. This is the most unrealistic thing that could ever happen.”

“Not to forget that then you wouldn't have only betrayed your friend, but also me.” Levi commented in a voice that had a dangerous undertone to it, softly glaring at me. I should definitely have come up with a better example.

“Ri~ght.” I extended the word noticibly, cautious from now on. “Although, that time when Armin and I had our fight, you and me weren’t a couple ye—” The fact that his glare had deepened was enough for me to understand that the best right now was to shut up. And I did so.

“I hope you don’t go very easy on the topic cheating.” he grunted.

“Not at all.”

“Good. Me neither.”

I pressed my lips together, my mind having wandered off to my previous problem. “Fuck, why am I even trying. I _did_ injustice to my best friend and that can’t be justified in any way.”

Levi’s eyes hadn't their piercing glare anymore (fortunately) and he looked at me with an sympathetic expression. “Could it be… that I was the reason behind your fight with your friend?”

Speechless at how he found out for I had never mentioned it in front of him (or so I thought), I stumbled over fitting words. “How… Uhh, why do you think that?”

Levi answered in a matter-of-fact, “That day where you had been… um… drunk on the streets, you babbled something about how I had been the reason why you fought with your best friend. I don’t think those were random drunk words.”

Now I was even more taken aback. “S-Stop remembering everything I say.” I defended myself. To what purpose though?

Levi was right.

“It’s not like I can remember everything that someone has told me, but I surely do remember things that have to do with me and which people had said to me.” He shrugged. I didn't respond to this. “I’m right, aren’t I? The fight was because of me.”

Unsure of how to answer him as harmless as possible, I opted for the following. “Armin and I… it was a difference of opinions.”

“That’s it?” Levi questioned, one brow raised. “Is that enough to insult your friend? Because of a ‘difference of opinions’?”

“Oh, trust me. It’s possible. I am the best example. I advise you not to imitate me.”

He watched me in slight suspision. “I will keep that in mind.”

“Hey, I’m telling the truth.”

“I believe you.” I frowned at him because what he was saying wasn't in keeping with how he was looking. “Just give me time to sink that in.” he clarified.

I spent some moment to let the happenings from _that day_ repeat in my head. “Before everything had escalated,” I started, “Armin had told me not to give up on you.” Levi blinked, curious. “And that my stubborness would bring me somewhere worth to fight for. He had claimed that your love is what I needed the most.”

“Your friend is really smart.”

I nodded in approval. “Yes, but at that time everything sounded so ridiculous to me. I didn't want to hear any of it and I think at some point I lost my sane reasoning and spat at him every hurtful comment that my mind could come up with. It was wrongly, as I know now. One could argue that I was simply rejecting his advice, but believe me when I say that what I did to him was worse than a rejection. “

“In other words, sometimes words do hurt more than punches?”

“Yeah.” I hid my body under the cover completely now, closing my eyes halfway. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“That day you visited me in my office and were sent away from Armin... What did he say to you when he shoved you into that storage room?”

Levi sighed deeply. “He told me that you love me so much. He didn't use any insults in particular, but practically he thought of me as a dick for not appreciating your feelings for me. Generally, it upset him that I hurt you with my indifferent behaviour and he wanted an explanation from me.”

Those few sentences were enough for me to feel utterly sorry for everything I accused Armin of. All the things I had said to him became void and worthless. Armin _was not_ a fake friend, he _was not_ seeking the best life possible, he _had not_ wanted to bring unhappiness to me. “Damn.” I cursed under my breath.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. I was just reminded again of how much of a piece of shit I am.”

“Oh well, then I shouldn't have…”

“No need to apologize. It’s okay. I asked you, after all.”

“There is one thing that turned out true, though. You know which one?”

I shook my head, looking into Levi’s eyes with curiosity. “No. Tell me.”

“Your stubborness was indeed effective. Regarding your perspective only, it was basically the main reason you were able to bring me to open up to you. In the end, other factors added up and brought us together, but if it weren't for you who tried till the end, we would have never come as far as right now.” He ran a hand through my hair, cheering me up with that. A smile played around his lips and I was infected by it.

“I’m stubborn.” I repeated. My smile grew. “You’re right. And Armin was right as well. I will use my stubborness to reach my goal.”

Positiv feelings and thoughts running through my mind now, I have finally gained a concrete trigger that would drill me to keep fighting. Giggling, I threw myself on Levi’s body, tackling him to the cushioned seats underneath us. Levi had exclaimed some conplaining words, but I ignored. My mouth planted many kisses on his forehead, cheek, neck, chest. I nibbled and bit parts of his skin in a playful way, teasing him. After some restraints, he accepted my attack and did the same to me after that, causing me to let out a loud laughter. Somewhere in between, we fell into a long kiss; it was passionate and sweet.

We spent the night on the couch, snuggled into each other, and it was at that time that anxiety took over me again. I had no clue what had been the reason behind it, but from one moment to the other I felt incredibly anxious. One second I had felt so safe in Levi’s arms, but the next second I felt like choking on air. As if the hug I was wrapped in was fault, I freed myself from it in an instant, though at the same time I tried not to wake Levi.

Levi stirred and groaned lowly, but other than that there was nothing that came from him. I sat up first, taking a few deep breaths. I had my head cupped in my hands and sensed my arms shaking. Biding in my sitting position, I listened to the silent darkness. Until it was too much for me. Because when that point was reached, I took my blanket again and rolled it over my body, facing the back of the couch; Levi behind me.

My eyes weren't willing to close and my body didn’t feel like wanting to fall asleep. There was no fatigue forcing me to take a slumber, no signs of tiredness at all. I bit my fingernails as possibilities of what could go wrong tomorrow plagued me in form of persistent thoughts. It had even gone that far that I had almost decided for a night walk outside, but luckily my mental debate was interfered by an arm being draped over my waist.

“Can’t sleep?” Levi asked, his lips being so close to my ear. He had probably slid close to me again.

“What did wake you up?” Another time in which I avoided his question.

“You climbing out of my grasp.”

“Oh.” So he I _did_ wake him up back at that time.

“What is bothering you, Eren?”

No words brushed past my lips right away, it took me some time to get over my struggle. “Armin and I know each other for 20 years now. He was the first friend I had ever had.” I breathed in, closed my eyes, and breathed out. “What if I fuck up again tomorrow? No one can tell me what will happen.”

“You have more than one attempt.”

“So what? What if I can’t make things better between us, not after two or three or four or ten attempts?”

Levi’s other hand caressed my head. “That’s unlikely to happen.”

“Friends may come and go. But I can’t and don’t want to imagine a life without him. I love him,” Since Levi stayed silent to this, I feared that he had taken it the wrong way. So I added as clarification, “I love him as my best friend.”

“I thought so.” He kissed my neck. “There is no point in being pessimistic. You said yourself today that you’ll fight for your friendship with him. So don’t give up and bathe in doubts.”

“Okay… You’re right.” Easier said than done.

Even after hours I hadn't fallen asleep, while Levi had gone back to sleep hours ago.

My worries were too strong to give me peace and, as a result, I woke up the next morning with little to no time spent in sleep at night. Levi had noticed that, too, and the expression he carried showed off how much he wanted to support me, but couldn't provide any more help than he had already given me.

~~~

I went to work – less energy keeping my body fit than usual – but I was eager enough to show up here because I had a mission to fulfill.

Sasha was the first checkpoint. I slammed a flat hand on the counter, gaining her attention.

“Sasha, you have to do me a favor.”

“Aw, little Eren needs my help.” she retorted, a wide, cocky grin spread across her face.

“Shut up. You were supposed to answer with ‘Yes, of course, Eren. Everything you want.’ Anyway, stop doing what you are doing and listen to what I have to tell you.”

She took her eyes off the computer screen and while she tugged a lock behind her ear, smiling decently, she gave me a polite yet severe look. As if I were some kind of client. “Don’t fuck it up this time.”

“I never intend to in the first place. It just goes the wrong way.”

Rolling her eyes, she writes something down on a sticky note. “Ah, yes. Sure.” The sarcasm in her tone was hard not to notice. “No matter how complicated the friendship between you and Armin is right now, there is one thing both of you have in common.”

I furrowed my brows, confused and curious, because I didn't know what exactly Sasha was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“You two look awful when sleep-deprived.” she stated bluntly, and pressed that sticky note onto my forehead. “I’ll be in a meeting with Pixis in a few minutes. There. The time I’ll be free again and the place.”

So Armin couldn't really sleep either, huh?

I wondered whether that was a good or bad thing...

~~~

In our agreed time, I explained to Sasha what she had to do for me. I had a plan, but since Armin wouldn't play along (I knew that and it was obvious), I had to lure him and for that I needed someone like Sasha.

Actually every other person that wasn't her was out of question for this task.

Positioned right next to the door of my office, I listened to Sasha who was making her way down the hallway to Armin’s office. My door was left ajar, enabling me to peek outside and figure out when Armin would pass my room.

It didn't take long until I heard Sasha reaching Armin’s work office, exclaiming, “Armin! Follow me to my desk! Now! There is a mistake you made in one of your reports!”

I just rolled my eyes and groaned a sigh, remembering how I had warned her to not show off that she was putting on an act. On the other hand, being loud and striking with her behaviour was so like her, which probably meant that she wasn't appearing suspicious.

Peeking to the floor, I spotted Sasha passing by, hearing Armin from not so far away.

“I think you’re mistaken, Sasha.” Armin said, voice slow and he seemed to be tired.

“No, I’m not! You have to correct your mistake! I can’t work like that.” Sasha insisted, and I must say she did her job well enough to please me and that was why I was quite positive that my plan would work.

Now Armin walked past my office door. I retreated my head back a little. “That’s impossible.” he went on. “I don’t make mistakes in my reports.”

This was so Armin.

I waited a few more seconds before I dared to peek through my door and enter the hallway, having had to reassure myself that they were distanced enough to not notice me following them.

Tiptoeing, I observed the situation before me. Sasha was steering forward carefreely while Armin was slouching behind her.

“Have you checked it twice? Are you really _really_ sure it’s my report? Listen, I’m not in a good mood today. Don’t play with me. I swear, if this is a trap…”

I flinched, totally overthrown by the fact that Armin had been able to guess that as casually as this, and I halted, a little sound of surprise had almost managed to leave my lips. A little sound that would have been enough to give myself away.

Sasha stopped in her tracks as well, but not in a manner that hinted at the fact that she was indeed caught by Armin. She turned around; standing near the end of the hallway. I wasn’t that much distanced from Armin, but her eyes didn't switch from him; there was no second in which they flicked to me.

She smiled as she tilted her head to the side and I woke up from my freeze, proceeding in my actual act. Attempting not to give out any noises or breathing heavier than normal or stepping on something on my way, I approached Armin, extending my arms on both sides. My heart was beating like mad in my chest.

I was so close…

Armin and Sasha weren’t moving, looking at each other in silence.

It was Sasha who spoke up first. “It’s time for you to break the walls you built up around you.” was all she said. I asked myself what she meant by that and Armin’s ‘Huh?’ revealed that he had no clue either, but that didn't matter much anymore – at least not to me – because right after she had ended, I revolved Armin with my arms, caging him in my grasp.

Armin jolted, utterly surprised, as I dragged him back to a certain place. He looked back and faced my chest, and scowled. Wiggling his whole body, he wanted to get out of my grasp. “Let go of me! What are you doing there?! Eren!” He hadn't needed to look into my face directly to know it was me doing this to him. Actually, there was no other person who would do this in the first place. His struggles were no use. I was stronger than him; his nails digging into my shirt or his feet scuffing across the floor to slow me down weren't causing me any big problems. He shifted his head to the front one last time before he was pushed into a room. “Sasha, you damn—”

And then I had already shoved him into the storage room, letting him have only a little glimpse of Sasha’s hand wave. When both of us were inside, I released from Armin and locked the door, positioning myself right in front of it. “Is this room familiar to you?” I asked him, although I already knew the answer to it. It was just a rhetorical question.

Not getting an answer (I had expected that), Armin ran straight to me, as if he wanted to push me away. Before it could even come that far, I grabbed him by his raised wrists, lifting them up high in the air. To not get him away, I built up pressure against his forward pushing. I hadn't had to take much efforts to stop him while he was straining himself to the fullest to work against my grip. “Let me go! You aren't allowed to do that! This is deprivation of liberty!” Armin exclaimed, his head pointed at the floor.

His behaviour irritated me slightly. “You don't even bear eye contact with me. Do you resent me that much?”

Armin stilled, his fists shaking. He pulled away and walked away from me; to the opposite of this darkened, dusty room. His back facing me, Armin had hugged his own body, standing stiff as he had his face lowered.

Feeling so horribly guilty and hurt, I made a few steps to him. “Armin…”

“Don’t come any closer.” he warned in a voice that was raw.

I stopped, obeying him because I didn't want to make any false steps now. “Okay. Fine. I got it. I’m not moving from my spot. I promise.”

The room was dived in silence and I heard my own heart beat. Not taking my eyes off him, I waited patiently for anything coming from Armin. I had learnt that it wasn’t right of me to always take action first. I think, when in a fight, sometimes I had to hold myself back from rushing into attempts of apologies or anything similar to that. I bet Armin wanted to tell me something. The only thing that had needed to be done was to bring him into a situation in which it was impossible for him to break out and inevitable to talk to me.

“I’m sorry for yesterday,” he began. “For having almost said things I didn't want to say.”

Ouch, that hurt.

“Perhaps it’s true and I can’t be a good friend to you.” He shrugged one shoulder, the shrug so trembly.

What?

“No. That’s wrong. Don’t think that. You’re the best best friend I can ever have.”

Armin scoffed. “Heh. How _funny_ that almost one week ago the same voice had said the exact opposite to me.”

That aching twist in my stomach was back, giving me loathly feelings. I bit my bottom lip hard. “I’m sorry for the rude things I called you. Really. I’m showing remorse. I’m showing it the whole time already, starting from the very moment our fight got out of hand. Isn’t that enough? What more do you want, Armin? Tell me.”

Armin lifted his head, gyrating it to the side a slight bit. “Regretting is easier than forgiving.” He stopped to take a deep shaky breath. “And forgiving is easier forgetting.”

The pain inside me flamed up, as though it was Armin’s pain that I had inflicted him with was scalding and howling inside my gut. “Don’t you want to hear me out at least?” I asked, despair trailing in my voice and a little bit of hope keeping me away from giving up.

Armin didn't let me explain myself first. He started. “When I… figured out that Levi was different from what he pretended to be the whole time, the only thing I thought about was to tell you that and convince you that you had been together with someone who wasn't as he seemed to be from the outside. The moment I grasped that there was a chance… A chance for you to get what you want and be happy with it. That’s what I wanted. To see you happy again. Or should I rather say to see bliss in your face and eyes and life that I haven't seen on you before. I think, back at that time, I was analyzing everything a bit too much, neglecting that your complicated feelings for him were an issue as well. I came up with things and possible ways of how to solve the problem without thinking that I might hurt your emotional side with it. I was thinking too analytically. Too pragmatically. Eren, I didn't want to push you to misfortune. At first thought it might have sounded like that. And I’m sorry I made you feel bad. But after thinking more about what I had said to you, I figured that if you had followed my advice, you would have go through hell one last time. But that last time of being in hell would have led you to happiness. I don't know… Maybe I’m totally wrong—”

“You aren't.” I corrected quickly. I sighed, tired. “Before I remembered our fight again, I was feeling a lot better. I was feeling greater than in those times in which I had struggled to get rid of any thoughts of Levi.”

“You…” Armin hesitated, “You forgot about our fight for a while?”

The smile that sneaked across my face was a shy one, so innocent yet guilty. “Yes. That’s how happy I was in those very few days I could spend with Levi. And there will come much more times where I can be happy with him. That doesn't mean that it was as easy as that. There were harsh moments. I had tried, and I had given up. But then things turned out to the better for me. And somehow… somewhere in between, I realized you were right with the things you said to me; even though not everything went according to your advice. I don’t know how to describe it. It was as though one after another coincidence pieced together and opened up a path for me. I… Finally I was gifted with the thing I had yearned for for so long. The thing that practically everyone needed. Coming from the person who was most significant to one. I, too, am allowed to be happy and loved. Right, Armin?”

“Of course. I’ve never said the opposite.”

My lids were heavy and unwanted wetness had accumulated in my eyes, but I didn't allow myself to go that far, so I blinked fast and rubbed aggressively against my eyes. This was not the right time to cry. I had a best friend to retrieve.

“All this is what happened after, though,” I went on as I sensed my voice altering. It was husky now. “The important thing is that one certain day of our fight, Armin. At that time, I had already been down from literally everything in my life. A few days before, Levi had sneaked into my office with the purpose of luring me back to our previous relationship. He had already succeeded once in making me weak and submissive in front of and, most importantly, _for_ him. You know that, Armin. Also, I had the bad luck that he had been chasing me in my dreams, too, and that had occupied my mind most of the time because I couldn't find a way to forget him in the easiest and most effective way — just as I had wished and needed it. And when, on that day, you came into my office, overwhelming me with all the things you revealed to me... After all the things that had happened, I did eventually lose control over myself and even though I shouldn't have let it happen, I was helpless against it. That doesn't mean right now I’m justifying myself in the sense of being in the right to have yelled at and insulted you. I am deeply sorry for all the shits I had done to you. All my attempts… All I had wanted was to forget about Levi. For a while, I thought I was on a good way to let go, but it made everything worse for me the second hindrances were thrown on my way over and over again.”

“You weren’t trying to forget about Levi,” Armin simply stated, voice monotonous, “Or should I rather say that no matter how hard you tried and convinced yourself that you were forgetting about him, you couldn't.”

I was puzzled and my confusion also displayed on my face. “How can you tell that? You can't. I know myself better than you. I had really been trying to—”

“The key.” And then my voice halted and caught in my throat, the words tied together, making them unlogical when uttered. “You didn't throw away Levi’s key. The fact that you couldn't do that meant that you couldn’t forget about him entirely. It’s a paradox. You wanted to get rid of everything, yet kept something that reminded you of him. It’s a conviction you had stuck to and you planted that conviction into your mind. Maybe unaware of it, but it was there. Your subconsciousness had succeeded in fooling your consciousness. I had somehow figured something likes this and that’s why… That’s why I was certain that if you couldn't go the one way, you had to go the other one. But not just like that. Even less would I have suggested anything to you if it meant that there wouldn't be any advantages waiting for you in the end. But that hadn't been the case. I was glad to know that there was more to the issue with Levi than one might have thought at first. And I was… I-I just wanted you to find out the truth and convince him to seek the better, more pleasant way to live. Because it would have meant that you helping him was also you helping yourself to some extent. Oh god, I should just shut up. I lost myself in so many thoughts and possibilities and in the end I just made you mad. I’m incapable of helping a friend. I know that now.”

“Stop making yourself feel worthless as a friend, Armin. I should be the one calling myself incapable of _being_ a good friend.” Another sigh dissipated. “Also, you were the one who said that humans aren’t perfect. I think you’re right. That means no one can be the perfect friend, no one can come up with the best advice a friend needs.”

“That doesn't make me feel better — to be honest.”

“You aren’t to blame for something that isn't your fault.”

Armin tugged a lock behind his ear. I knew that this was his way of being invested in something when hearing it for the first time or he did it when he was nervous or confused. “I don’t understand.”

“You… had tried to help me in something you weren't very familiar with. How high is the chance of having a friend who was in a fuck buddy relationship? On top, it wasn't even as easy as that. In contrary, it was way more complicated. Of course one can’t know what to do when someone has hopelessly fallen in love with someone who didn't care about affectionate feelings at all. You most likely figured that it wasn't doing me good, even before I had eventually grasped it myself. Yet you let me be because you were aware of the fact that it was my life and my decision of what to do or what not to do. Not long time ago, I wasn't very positive to ever meet my luck with a person who deems significant to me. But that’s not really the point here. The point is that _of course_ you couldn't know a way to solve my problem. That was almost an impossible task and even a smart guy like you isn't obliged to find a solution for me. It’s a matter of experience. How would you have been able to know what to do in my case, if you never experienced anything similar to my situation before?! Listen, you and I are really different when it comes to relationships. You married a man who had also been your first boyfriend ever and you are happy with everything you have. I still don’t understand how this is even possible. I must say – and I can’t even tell a lie here – Jean really seems to be the perfect husband for you. You don’t need anyone else and you are like one of the few people who had the luck to be content with their first lover. And then there is me; two ex-girlfriends and a guy who had turned everything in my life upside down. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not throwing reproaches at you. After all, this is where you and I are the same. I mean, that sex relationship was my first one ever. Of course _I_ couldn't know either what was truly the best for me. This should have been clear the second I broke the relationship to Levi. I should have known it back then that I was walking around on unknown territory. Unknown as in I had no clue about everything that revolved around one, _and only that one,_ person. I was clueless about what to do.” I paused, expecting (and inwardly hoping) to see a reaction.

But nothing came.

So I went on. “You’re probably asking yourself why I hadn't been thinking about all these things before the situation escalated between us. I’m sure I was aware of most of the things back then — partly probably consciously, partly rather subconsciously. But I didn't seem to have paid any attention to that. Because I was angry. Angry with my life and… Armin, I’m brutally honest here. I was really angry with you because you dared tell me not to give up on Levi. And while on the one hand it sounded like a plea that you wanted to be fulfilled as if it was more important to have you satisifed, on the other hand I couldn't think else than having been given an order by you and act under it. It was your whole wording that made me mad. However, there is one thing that is for sure, and this is why we can only blame ourselves and each other rightfully because,” I took a deep breath, swallowing the nuisance called lump down my throat, “both of us made mistakes.”

Armin’s body stiffened, his shoulders tightened as he hugged himself firmer. “Fine. Okay. I agree with you.” he eventually expressed. “The first part is done now. That was the less harmful one.”

Deep in my mind, I knew it wasn't over yet with this, but I didn't want to go any further because halfway done meant that there still was the possibility of me screwing up practically everything and dropping to zero again. “You won’t accept my apology as simple as that, will you?”

“Not when it explains only half of the things. There are always two sides of a coin. So… I angered you with my words and then you thought it was a good things to backbite me twice and thrice as sharp?”

Now we’ve reached the part that hurt the most. Just thinking of it made me sick and I wished the feeling of guilt that hovered over me like a little could, raining, would disappear into nothingness. “I don’t mean the things I told you.”

“That’s not really convincing. Actually the things you called me had a higher level of seriousness in your voice. Now I don’t really know what to believe, or rather… it aches me to even consider that you might have told what you really think of me back then. That I am a bother to you because I already have everything you don't have yet but wish for so badly. I-I… I’ve always wanted to help you because you are my best friend and I care about you so much, so why did it appear to you as if I was putting on a fake act?!” Armin’s voice croaked, and his hands cupped his face now, dulling the words that came next. “I don’t understand. After so many years of being friends, you should have known me better than that. So why? Why, Eren?”

My face flinched and I had the painful urge to wanna hug Armin and express how sorry I was, but I knew that I shouldn't do that right now. At least not yet. It was too early. I thought that only one step forward was alright, but after that I remained still where I was. Part of me animated me to just go farther and do what every good friend would do now, but the other part of me forbade me to do so because it wouldn't make anything better. I listened to my latter self.

“I explained to you that I was mad,” I probed, speaking in a wary tone, and I was grateful that this time my patience and my composure lasted longer than they ever did up until now. “And with that came accusations that couldn't be anything else than horribly wrong! Anger and sane reasoning don’t work well together within me. That shouldn't be all too unfamiliar to you.”

“You used to have serious anger issues, I know.” Armin said, matter-of-fact.

“Back at that time, I lost myself because I was done with everything. I was done with my life that hadn't seemed to have worked in favor of me. Not only that my mind was shut off, but also envy drove me crazy. I wanted to crawl out of my pitiful hole and in order to do that, I used unfair methods. And I’m deeply sorry, Armin. You weren’t a bad best friend to me, I was. That I had yelled at you the opposite is bullshit. I was the bad friend. Forgive me for my immature and dumb behaviour. That I hurt you hurt me just as much back. That’s what I deserve.”  

All in all, at least ten to fifteen minutes had already passed, but not once had Armin turned around to look me in the face. I was sick of having his back facing me. I wanted to look him deeply in the eyes and find out how he felt. Wanted to read his mind and find answers to my questions by watching the bright ocean blue colour swim in his orbs and pour out his feelings. “Armin, look at me. Please.” So close. I was so close to throw myself onto him and force him to the floor, embracing him to show him that I couldn't go on like that anymore. “Even if only a few days had passed in which we hadn't interacted or seen each other or communicated in any other way… It affects me so much to not receive nice gestures coming from you at random times. Usually, you would bloom in positivity whenever you’re around me and infect me with that positivity, and other times we’d just talk and that’s how we can spent hours and hours, not getting tired of each other. I don’t want to imagine how it would be not being able to do that together with you anymore. You’re an important part of my life and thinking of not having you by my side when I need and want my best friend… Merely the thought is unbearable. It aches agonizingly. Isn’t that punishment enough for me?”

“A while ago you said you even forgot about me and our fight. I can't mean that much to you.” Armin retorted, and it was now that my words – the words I had so exquisitely chosen in my mind before I had uttered them out loud, the words that I gave meaning and which were dipped in sincere apology – threatened to crumble and disrupt, falling into a black hole and remain meaningless and forgotten.

But this moment was only very short because I regained my senses again and remembered why I had not been thinking of him on those days. “I had my reasons.” I stated as I felt how my patience was slowly saying goodbye. No patience meant no calm or collected coolness. My voice’s volume changed, but I tried my best to hold myself back. “That’s someting else. I had every reason not to think of anything that would harm me emotionally. You don’t even know. I was busy with and afterwards distracted by other things, and seriously I needed that!” The sting in my palms caused by my nails being digged into my flesh signalled me that I had clenched my hands into fists unknowingly. I unclasped them again and placed two fingers on each side of my temple, taking a few deep breaths to relax myself. “I’m sorry. I—… This has nothing to do with you.” I was telling the truth. Of course Armin couldn't know about all the things that had happened to me after that day, but nevertheless there had been a feeling that had pressured me to justify myself.

“So?” That was all I heard from him, and it terrified me. The indifference that had come with that word consisting of two letters. Two letters that could express the final end.

“Have I become that indifferent to you?” I questioned, scared. “Don’t be serious. Listen. When I remembered our fight again, there was nothing else I was thinking about anymore! I don’t care about anything else right now. I’m slacking off at work and Levi had to deal with my anger that had almost burst out and led me to destroy things. Look at that horrible excuse of my face! I look _awful_ because I couldn't sleep last night! _The whole night_ I was anxious about the possibilities of losing you forever. Since I was unfortunately good at making things worse than better, I was scared of not being able to restore the friendship with you again which for sure was of high importance to me. To be quite honest, I’m the most terrified right now.” My heart bounced excruciangly hard inside my chest, pumping the blood at a fast pace through my veins. I felt hypersensitive and incredibly vulnerable, as though a single word could destroy and break me into pieces.

“You don’t have to be afraid.” It came out of Armin’s mouth, voice so different from before. So vivid and vibrant. Soft and sweet. “I want and am willing to forget everything that had happened between us. I as well am tired of all this. Trust me, Eren, I don’t look any better than you right now. You’re right. It was a big mess we created. So many misunderstandings and false expectations.” His hands stroked the side of his arms a few times before his arm dropped to his sides, limp. “But I believe in our friendship being stronger than that. It _is_ stronger than any kind of obstacles that can kill friendships, right, Eren?”

It was almost undescribable how much my inner state changed at this very moment. My chest warmed up, it felt like a flower blossoming inside it. No words could describe what was happening inside me right now. Happy hormones sprouted and rushed through my blood, and glee itself sparkled on my face. I raised my arms to my sides. “You’re totally right.” I bit onto my lip to supress the sun-bright and moon-wide smile to crep onto my face. “Can I get a hug now? I miss my best friend really much.”

Finally, _oh finally_ , Armin made a half turn with his body, showing me his face. His big eyes were glistening and there was something that looked like a little smile, so small yet one could look at it and melt away. “Me too.” It croaked out of him. It didn't take long until he let himself get hugged by me, wrapping his own arms around me like a death grip. There were little, cute sobs, muffled against my shirt. “You idiot!” A weak fist pounded my chest.

“I know.” I breathed, one hand resting on his head while the other one held him by his waist. Armin released little cries on my shirt, his shoulders quivering as I held him, letting myself get carried away by my emotions.

Some time passed, and Armin was still with his head resting on my chest. “I-It… This is so relieving.”

I pushed him off of me lightly, so that I could look him in the face, hands roaming over his cheeks and eyes and chin to wipe off any tears before I cupped his face. “Everything fine? Are you alright?”

Armin smiled sweetly, nodding. “Yeah.”

“I am so so so glad.”

Both of his hands travelled the length of my left arm to reach for my hand, fingers lingering on mine for a while as he leant into it before he took it into his own ones, one hand laying one the back of my palm, the other one on my palm. And just like that, we remained in silence, semi-darkness surrounding us. Not once did I take my eyes off his face, not needing anything else to watch at right now than Armin’s happy face. I surprised him when my other hand had claimed the back of his neck and he was even more confused when my lips grazed his cheek and planted a soft kiss there. Admittedly, this felt weird and somehow also wrong to some extent. It wasn't the first time I kissed some part of my best friend’s face that wasn't his lips, but now that I had Levi as boyfriend, something even as innocent as this felt odd. I think now I understood Jean’s jealousy somehow whenever he saw Armin and me together. But I had wanted to kiss his cheek because I felt like I had to. Armin watched me with questioning eyes as my fingers caressed that spot, disappearing, and then a pair of his fingers covered that spot, which carried a faint blush now.

To answer the unspoken question, I said, “I’m sorry for having slapped you back then.” I had kissed that spot that my hand had hit before, and to make up for it, I opted for something that would hopefully heal an invisible injury. A kiss.

The confusion on his face flew away. “Is it because of yesterday when we were in the entrance hall? Where I had almost…?” He didn't want to continue, just like yesterday.

“That hit of mine was cruel and this is my way of making up for it.” I smiled shortly, my expression becoming serious again when one thought popped up in my mind. An unpleasant one. “Don’t tell Jean, though. He will _kill_ me.”

Armin’s brows creased. “Why do you think that? Did Jean do something to you?!” His face changed to a horrified one, as though he didn't want to hear a ‘Yes’.

“No,” I replied casually, “and that’s what is so incredible. Jean didn't mess with me, which is really unusal of him. Considering that I, the second close person to you, fought with you and made you cry. I mean, he even had the opportunity to beat me up, but he didn't.”

Armin sighed in relief, releasing the breath he had been holding in since asking that question. He murmured as he lay a hand on his chest, “Thanks God. Don’t scare me like that again.” After that, he locked eyes with me, explaining, “This is an issue between you and me only. I didn't want anyone, _and especially not Jean_ , to interfere in this.”

“I heard something about it being a promise?” I raised one brow, interested in knowing the background to it. Even if it might be a bit too personal, I was intrigued. Now that we are at this topic again, I remembered how Armin, too, had once promised Jean not to mess with Levi back at that time when I was still living with them, one day after shit had happened to me. Armin had kept his promise, which wasn't really surprising, but that even Jean...

“Yes, it was promise. And that’s why I was so worried. Because I thought Jean might really have done something to you. It wasn't like I had asked him to promise me this, but inwardly I didn't want anything else than him letting you alone. He seemed to have understood my inner turmoil and gave me the promise himself. I’m proud of him because he really kept his promise, even though – as you had said just now – he had had the opportunity to punch you.” Armin formed a fist and punched me playfully, giggling.

“Does he know that I hit you?”

“Hell no.” When Armin cursed, it never meant something good. His expression faltered again. “Don’t exaggerate, Eren. He doesn't have to know that. I know you didn't hit me as in physically abusing me, so there is no need to create an unnecessary uproar. Also, I’d rather not see my best friend comatose in hospital and have my husband in jail.” This could have been such a bad joke, but I knew that he was dead serious.

“Y-Yeah. That doesn't sound all too nice.”

Armin puffed his cheeks (whenever he did it, it looked so cute) and brushed away some strands. “I think the best would be to finally leave this room. It’s so dark and dusty.”

“Right. Let’s go. I have _a lot_ of work to catch up on. That’s so annoying.” I complained, sulking.

“Wait,” Armin said as he took my hand and dragged me out of the storage room and towards his office.

“What…?”

He turned his head at me, simply stating, “I have to show you something.”

When we reached his room, I halted in the middle as Armin walked straight to the printer. “I hadn't had time to read it yet because Sasha interrupted me, but I was able to print it out.” he explained, but I couldn't follow at all. He quickly examined some parts of the papers he had printed out, approaching me by the way, before he showed me the front side of the article as he exclaimed, “Sayo is in jail!”

My heart stopped for a moment, skipped a beat, going uneven and irregular. Anxiety took over my mind and body, making me highly nervous.

This was bad. This was bad. This was really bad.

“I didn’t know that up until now. But it doesn't mean anything good if he got imprisoned, right? I wonder why that is though. It makes me curious.”

With slightly widened eyes, I had my gaze at the paper, but didn't read the text. And then I snapped them away from him furiously, stammering, “I h-heard about it, too. But it doesn't matter anymore. We don't have anything to do with him. Who cares why he is in jail?!”

I had attempted to keep the article away from him, but due to some trick which I couldn't foresee, Armin was able to seize the sheets. He gave me a weird look and a deeply confused frown as I averted my gaze. “What’s up with you, Eren? I know that you hate him, I don't like him either. But I am really intrigued in knowing more about the backgrounds. It’s never bad to know what kind of client we used to work for. Luckily he cut business with us beforehand.” He walked a few steps away from me, his back facing me as he evened the papers. “Let’s see what it says here…”

This was so so so so bad and I was defenseless against this. It may be true that I had told the police to not give out too much information about me that drew a connection to Sayo’s attempted crime, but I had that really queasy feeling that things would go dirty in a matter of minutes. Armin wasn't dumb. If even Pixis was able to figure it out, then Armin will…

“‘The vice president of the Wall Sina District company Berry & Ricks, Tony Sayo, got a prison sentence of 5 years for having attempted to sexually assault a young adult.’ Oh my god. That’s awful. I already knew that he was some strange guy, but this? This is just downright awful.” Armin shook his head before he went on, “‘During their investigation, the police also found out that the company had been involved in corruption and blackmailing on an almost regular basis.’ So that means my researches were right! Oh man, how much more dirty can this get? Eren, you are listening, right? I’m reading out what it says here.”

_Oh god. Armin, please. Stop. I’m begging you._

I had to stop him. I just had to.

“‘On the night of the 22nd of October’,” Armin paused unexpectedly, “‘vice head of the one of the most powerful companies Tony Sayo was caught by a witness in the midst of his attempt to force a young man to sexual acts in a side-alley. The victim whose name won’t be mentioned on demand, had been walking around on the streets, intoxicated, when T. Sayo set their eyes on them. After some time of the older man trying to seduce him with deceiving, sugar-coated words but only resulting in getting rejected, he shoved the young man to a side-alley to violently force him to sexual intercourse. It was a passerby who intervened and prevented further non-consensual happenings. Fortunately, the victim got away with light injuries, and Tony Sayo was arrested right away, being kept under arrest until the day of court, since the police had confirmed that the man was most likely a threat to the victim if on the loose. This was also stressed by the fact that Sayo and the young man weren't complete strangers to each other but indeed used to know each other through ties in business. The police didn't give out more information about the backgrounds, but it is speculated that Tony Sayo’s former business connection to the man might have something to do with the reasons of his attempted rape. While the investigation was still going on, new discoveries about the company Berry & Ricks were revealed coincidentally, such as corruption, tax evasion blackmailing and money laundering.”

Armin stopped reading midway. “Coincidences… So many coincidences. This is so weird.” he uttered in an insecure way. At first he was still and frozen, but then he faced me, fear and confusion spread across his face. He stared at me, as though he was searching for answers; for clarification. “So weird.”

I was sure that deep down in his mind he wanted to hear how everything was just a misfortunate coincidence. That nothing written in the article had a meaning affecting us.

Attempting not to show any telltale signs, I bit the inside flesh of my cheeks, not breaking eye contact, in order to not appear any suspicious.

Armin whipped his head away from me. “N-No, this is meaningless. There’s nothing weird about this article, right? Sayo is a greedy creep. I’m sure he was always choosing young adults as prey. Who knows how many he knew?? Jail is where he belongs.”

“Armin,” I could leave everything as it was. I could practically have him have those questions unanswered in his head. Going on and skipping this topic was a solution that sounded the best right now. Eyes kept to the floor, my body trembled from the inside as my mind protested against the unwelcoming memories that wanted to well up. “That victim of Sayo’s attempted rape… was me.”

It was shock and denial that mirrored in his eyes when he set them back at me, growing to horror. At this very moment, I figured that all he had wanted was to not hear this. He had wished so badly for his assumptions being ridiculously wrong. And yet here I was, confronting him with the brutal truth.

It would have been the best, if I had shut my mouth instead.

Because now I had made him feel bad. The sheets dropped to the floor as both of his hands raised to his face, clapping over his mouth. “Say that this isn't true.” he demanded, voice shaky as hell. He looked so close to tear up.

“I can’t. Because it _is_ the truth.” The reason I didn't lie to him, the reason I didn't let him in the dark with his guesses, was simply that I hadn't wanted to lie to him. Even if I had every reason to not talk about this with Armin – since it was technically nothing he had to know about – I couldn't keep silent about this. Not when we had been discussing it just now. Not when Armin had been so close to assume himself the obvious, although even then all he did was to stick to denial right away.

“Oh my god,” Armin breathed as he shut his eyes, face distorting. I remained in my position, looking at him with the same painful expression. One heavily trembling hand of his pointed at the printed article dropped by his feet. “T-This happened on the s-same day as our fight.”

I couldn't grasp the meaning of his words at first, but when I eventually did, my eyes parted wide, brows forming a deep frown. “Armin?”He wasn't really infering and guessing that, was he? “Armin… no…” I shook my head slightly as I came closer to him. Don’t tell me he thought it was—

“My fault.” Armin whispered almost inaudibly, taking his head into his hands, his whole body shivering.  

“No, it isn’t!”

_Oh my god!_

My fingers clasped around his arms, grabbing them a bit too forcefully, and I looked down to him in disbelief and anger. He didn't lift his head, fingers threaded violently into his hair. “It is my fault…”

“It isn’t!” I literally screamed at him. “Why do you think that?!”

Big, blue eyes pierced through me. “Because we had our fight on that day! Considering the time, that thing with Sayo could have happened only after that, after we’d fought!”

I shook his body by his arms once, my fingers close to break his skin. Through gritted teeth, I pushed out, “I don’t fucking get it! Why do you think our fight has something to do with it? That’s wrong! What had happened between us is a totally different thi—”

“Why else were you drunk, then?!” he confronted me, a pair of eyes scowling at me in madness.

My head backed up a bit, mouth falling shut as I mentally tried to find an answer to this. Sometimes I wished Armin wouldn’t he that smart; like that, it wouldn't always bring me to situations where I had no chance to talk myself out of it. Just like right now, I was succumbed to do nothing else but tell the truth, not to forget that it was hard to falsify.

“See?” Armin went on, “You were drunk because of the things that happened between us before on that day. None of this would have happened if… Oh my god, if I just had shut my mouth… If I just hadn't said anything to you, nothing of this would have happened! _I_ was the one who started the fight! It’s my fault that everything got ouf of hand and reached such extents! Eren, I’m sorry. It’s true… I’m really the worst best friend ever.”

“Fucking shut up, Armin. Hey! Look into my eyes! Look into my eyes and listen to what I’m going to tell you. Listen because I’ll tell you why this isn't your fault at all!” It may be that he looked into my eyes, but it was no pleasant sight at all to see him close to tears. “Okay, yes, I was drunk because I wanted to forget about the things that happened to me, to you, just everything. But that thing with Sayo is different from what it seems! He had waited for me outside, waited hours and hours until I’d finally left work. You know, I left at least 3 hours later than usual, and he waited that long! And when I was finally outside, he approached me and had tried to act like someone who was worried about me because I wasn’t fully sober and he was scared that people would try hit on me. He said all these sugar-coated things and wanted me to look up to him as some kind of ‘friend-who-you-can-tell-everything-and-cry-on-his-shoulders’ when in fact he and no one else was the pervert! Do you know what that means, Armin? Whether I would have been drunk or not, it wouldn't have changed the fact that on that night he had wanted to rape me. Nothing is your fault because Sayo’s plan wasn't influenced by our fight. He had wanted to rape me, regardless of what had happened before!”

“But you most likely wouldn't have had to go through it if you hadn’t been drunk! If… If you hadn’t been drunk, you’d have been able to stop him before anything would have escalated.”

“No one can say that!” My grasp was very tight around his arms and I cursed myself for hurting him physically again, but luckily I released from him the next moment. “No one can really tell I’d have been able to escape if it hadn't been for me being drunk. And I’m sure the result would have been the same. Do you know why I think that?”

Armin shook his head, breathing fast. “Even as a person who is fully conscious and sane and sober it would have been the same. I’m sure. It is very hard to escape from someone who’s dragging you into a side-alley _at night_ , punches you in the face to force you to the floor and then sits down on your body to keep you in place.”

“This is horrible!” Blond locks swayed to the left and right as Armin shook his head, palms covering his ears. He took deep, loud breaths, one hand wandering to his chest. He whispered, “Such a pervert.”

I closed the distance to him and lay a hand on his shoulder. “Sorry for being so descriptive. I just wanted to make it clear to you… That Sayo tried that on me solely because of his own gross thoughts. No matter in which state I would have been, he would have tried to hit on me nevertheless. And even then I would have rejected him, which led to the attempted rape. It was because of my justified rejection. That, and nothing else.”

We were silent for a long time as I waited for any reaction, wanting to know whether I was able to convince him. Even if it didn't seem like that, it meant everything to me to be sure that Armin didn't blame himself for something that was none of his fault. I knew that sometimes he would burden himself because something bad happened to one of his friends. He would do that, telling himself that if he helped his friends more, they would have less problems.

Armin was very selfless. But literally every character trait that is practiced to extreme extents isn’t good for oneself anymore.

Silently, he picked up the sheets, tore them to halves on his way to the window, opening one lid, and threw the pieces of paper away. “Disgusting.” he whispered, staring out of the window. There was a light tremble around his shoulders.

“I know.” I replied, “But it isn't helpful to think about it more than necessary. Let us leave it behind and move on.”

I was embraced in a tight hug, Armin literally clinging to me. I brushed my fingers over his hair as he said, “Are you really okay, Eren? I’m so dumb because I thought you didn't go to work the past few days due to our fight. How ridiculous of me to think that.”

“It isn't ridiculous. Thinking that is actually plausible.”

“But I should have known that something is weird. Usually you’re someone who would want to fix things right away, rather than leaving them as they are.”

“As you can see, that can’t be the case everytime. I had to recover from everything.”

“I know I shouldn't insist on it anymore, but can I ask you one last question?” The tone he spoke with was very sincere; worried.

“You may.” I answered him, voice calm.

“What happened so that it didn't come as far as to a rape?”

I stayed quiet at first, while Armin let go of me, establishing eye contact. He looked sad, but I wasn't feeling like that anymore because I knew that there was nothing to worry about anymore. Past happenings wouldn't be able to influence the present or future. Thus, Armin actually hadn't had to worry about asking this question because it wouldn't have a harming effect. He just didn't know that yet.

I was fine.

“Levi saved me.” I said, and there was relief and surprise – but mostly relief – in his expression.

Then, Armin smiled very decently. “That’s something good to hear. It is, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“How comes?”

“We met on the streets coincidentally and he saw me drunk. Well, first we had somehow… communicated a bit — if you can even call it that. And when he left, Sayo approached me, but luckily Levi searched after me and found me before Sayo had the chance to assault me; he was close to, though.” There was a burning question Armin had in his mind. I could guess from his expression, so I answered before he even asked. “Levi was concerned about me. That’s why he went back to look after me. Me who was drunk, alone, and it was cold and dark and late at night.” I shrugged it off, rolling my eyes.

Armin’s face lit up and beamed a big smile. “Levi cares… He cares about you.”

The way his face shone, just like the sun rising, it was the same inside my chest; warmth blossomed and spread itself through my body. “Yeah. We had talked much after that. I finally got to know the true side of him, his vulnerable side. He was so honest with me. I understood why he had been harsh with my feelings for him and I did forgive him. We had some serious problems afterwards, though, and I had actually wanted to give up and stop trying, but… I’m so glad we made it. Being by Levi’s side fulfills me.”

We bided in silence for a while, hugging each other one last time before we released from each other. As Armin was going to say something – his mouth already parted and breath held in – a thought popped up in my mind, something that dealt with Armin in particular. I clapped my hands together, Armin startling to it. “Now that everything is fine again, let me _finally_ give you something that I should have given you a long time ago.”

Not letting him respond to this, I grabbed him by his wrist and dragged him to _my_ office. There I let go of him again and walked up to my desk alone. Wasting little to no time to find what I was searching for, I then stood in front of my confused best friend again as I hid the thing behind my back. I smiled and revealed the secret. It was his present. “Happy _very belated_ birthday.”

That puzzling look on his face didn't vanish at first, but after some time it softened and even a light reddish colour painted his cheeks. “O-Oh. That’s some unexpected surprise. My birthday was almost one month ago.” He accepted my gift, looking as cute as a little, happy puppy.

“I’m sorry. I had wanted to give it to you on your birthday, which didn't work as you should know yourself the best and, well, the days and weeks after that day were… complicated. Y’know.”

“Thank you, though. Really nice of you.”

“Don’t be mad at me, but I forgot about your birthday totally and remembered it again only the day before yesterday.”

“It’s okay. You had your reasons. You didn't even have to give me a present in the first place.”

“But I wanted to.”

“I can see. Thanks again.”

“You know what?” I threw an arm around his shoulder. “This is not enough. We weren’t able to celebrate your birthday together. How about we catch up on it today? Spending time and baking a birthday cake together? How about that?”

Armin groaned lowly, doubting. “I’m too tired to do some activities that include other things than working and eating and walking home to finally sleep.”

“Okay, okay. Then we’re going to my house and have a sleepover. And _tomorrow_ we’re going to bake a cake together. That sounds good, doesn't it? You’re right. I myself need to sleep more than average, too, today.”

Armin pouted, although it was evident that he was trying to hide a smile with it. “There is no point in me trying to talk myself out of your plans, right?”

“Nope.” I raised both my brows, letting the sound of the ‘p’ pop between my lips.

“I’ll agree to it only if we’re going to order pizza tomorrow. Or make one ourselves. Either way is fine.” he said, implicitly pleading.

Armin was that kind of person who didn't eat junk food. But every person had their weaknesses. And Armin’s was pizza. “That’s totally fine by me. As long as we’re going to spend time together tomorrow. Everyone’s birthday is once a year. But yours is going to be the only one that’ll be celebrated twice.” I extended one arm, waving a semi-circle in front of our eyes. “Tomorrow is your day. Armin Arlert’s day.”

“Kirstein.” he corrected me, casual but pointed.

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, yeah, right.”

He shoved himself off me in a way as if he was seriously angry with me, but in reality he was just acting, playful. “This is not the first time you said my surname wrong. You even called me ‘Arlert’ in front of my clients once. Do you know how awkward a situation like that can be? I know that you probably don’t and won’t accept it, but I’m a Kirstein now. Not only now but already for a few months. It is how it is, and you can’t change that.” he dictated, one scolding finger raised.

Rolling my eyes again, I said in a sigh, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. It will take me… like _forever_ to accept that you have adopted horseface’s surname.”

“Who? I don't know a person going by that name.” he pointed out, sounding serious.

“Jean.” I said reluctantly. I held him by his arms again, looking deep into his eyes. “But promise me one thing. Just one thing, will you?”

“What is it?” Armin seemed confused and sincerely concerned.

In a very innocent way and a very serious tone, I said, “Don’t get pregnant by him, okay?”

“Eren!” He pushed my arms away, struggling with whether to be mad at me or laughing with me because I couldn't do else than to let out a loud laughter to this. “Don’t act stupid.” He pushed out a huff, his face fuming a light shade of red.

Luckily, the tension from half an hour ago was able to vanish after one second and a few words being said to light up the mood.

Later, we did have a sleepover at mine and while Armin had some insecurities for he was going to see Levi again after that day where he had pushed him into the storage room, but it seemed that everything went half as bad as he had imagined. The conversation between them might have been a bit stiff and forced at first, but it loosened as soon as all three of us watched a movie together, though we didn't watch much of it because Armin and I had been too tired to stay awake for more hours and so we fell asleep on the couch.

Also, Jean got updated on Armin and I’s current situation and all he commented on it on the phone was, ‘It was a beautiful time without him while it lasted.’

Horseface, you wish.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding Sayo’s prison sentence… I did some researches! I looked up the prison sentences for attempted rape in the US, Germany and Japan. Yes, there is a reason why I chose those three countries. So as far as I remember, the sentences range from 1 to 7 (??) years, depending on factors that influenced the attempted rape, such as unconsciousness, use of weapons etc. . I’m not very familiar with laws but I think Sayo would have gotten something around 3 years. But I added two more years because Sayo used violence and Eren wasn’t fully sane when Sayo attacked him.
> 
> Wow, this was some long chapter, right?!
> 
> Leave me some comments please because there are so many things that happened here! *^* I just want to know what you all think of them!
> 
> Also I’m the most interested in knowing what you think about Eren and Armin’s make up scene! Well, I knew the whole time what to write for Armin but wow Eren was such a dick to him a few chapters before, I really had to think twice how to word his explanation and apology. But in the end everything turned out better than I had expected. I’m glad. You might have figured out now that I don’t treat anything in my story halfheartedly. There was no way that I could write something like ‘I’m sorry, Armin. I wish I could go back in time and make everything undone. I made a mistake. I won’t do it ever again. Forgive me.’ and that would be it. Hell no! I’m seeing this too often and to be honest I hate reading something as cheap as this. As you have read, Eren and Armin went through depths to explain themselves and it turned out that both of them were at fault. Not only Eren, not only Armin. Both of them. But each of them were at fault on another thing.
> 
> Okay, I think this is enough.
> 
> Weeeeeell, university has started for me, which means that I’ll be slow with my updates from now on.
> 
> But I hope I could make up with my inactivity by presenting you this hella long chapter ^~^ 
> 
> Guess I will be late with my Halloween chapter meh :/


	31. It's Halloween Time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lin is back with another chapter!
> 
> I know, I know. I'm 2 months too late with my Halloween chapter. I didn't add this because of Halloween, I had it planned the whole time.
> 
> Just like the previous one, this chapter here is a long-ass chapter (25k words haha). Enjoy reading my shit because I worked on it for 5 days straight in my rare free time and it took me 2 days to fucking edit and proofread it, sigh.
> 
> There quite a few things going to happen. Also some of you might start hating on Hanji and get annoyed of her, but please wait until the end of the chapter before you start judging her.
> 
> (Note: A 'Teriyaki (spit)' is a dish of grilled slices of beef, chicken, or fish that have been marinated in soy sauce seasoned with sake, ginger, and sugar.)

"Are you ready, Levi?

I switched my gaze over to him where he stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his hair that had been slicked back with hair gel.

Today was Halloween and we were preparing ourselves for Hanji's party.

"Yeah. Just a sec."

I rolled my eyes playfully, a petite smirk of amusement grazing my lips. "Your outfit doesn't have to be perfect. You look fine."

"Either you look good or you look shitty. There is no in between." was all he retorted with, grumbling.

"I see. So you don't mind making your boyfriend wait, if it means to bring your own appearance to perfection?"

"Don't exagggerate. Firstly, we aren't running late. Secondly, so what if I care about wearing things neatly? That's nothing people can complain about. And last but not least, _as my boyfriend_ , you aren't supporting me enough. If I were you, I'd have complimented myself. You can be hella glad that I agreed on wearing this costume. I did this just for you."

When Levi had finished, I let my eyes wander over his whole body—examining him from top to bottom. He looked so badass and at the same time so fine in his vampire costume which I had chosen for him. A white shirt, a pitch-black vest, night-black pants, black polished shoes, and a red rippled cravat with a jewel decorating it in the middle. Not to forget his plastic bat wings as headband on top of his head and the black gloves stretching over his hands and fingers. Overall, he looked like the sexiest human vampire there ever existed.

I wasn't saying that because I had feelings for that particular person. It was just downright true.

"See? I told you that you'd like your costume."

"Mm, I have to admit. This was quite a good choice of yours." he said as he viewed himself in the mirror again, this time from the side. A hand flattened the vest around his abdomen area. "It suits my personality."

I snorted, joining him next to the mirror. "Whatever you mean by that." I added and received a glare in return.

"Instead of joking you might as well can go comb your hair."

"But my hair isn't that messy. I checked just a minute ago." I ran my fingers through my hair.

"No, not that one. I mean that ball of hair around your neck." Shifting my eyes downwards, I furrowed my brows and grabbed the accessory around my throat. "You mean this here? First of all, it's called fur. Also, it has to be that messy."

"Nope. Not buying you that shit."

Now it was me scowling at him, but unlike him I couldn't keep that up for long, changing to a pouting and huffing animal (because my costume was that one of an animal). "Does that mean you don't like my costume?"

"It's good actually. Your angry face suits perfectly to your wolf costume, that's why."

"I'm not that angry... well, most of the time." I stuck my tongue at him, but went for a snarling hiss then, imitating a wolf as I crooked my fingers to claws, holding them up to the sides of my face.

"Cute." was Levi's short comment, a little smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

My Halloween costume consisted of that fur around my neck, orange-brown striped pants, a dark shirt with a frayed cloth over it and wolf ears attached on top of my head. There had also been shoes in form of wolf claws delivered together with the rest of my costume, but I set those aside.

While I had even put on some Halloween make up to make my face look greyer and even added fake blood to the edges of my mouth, Levi however refused to do that. Since his skin was pale in general, there wasn't much to change about that, but what I couldn't understand yet was why he wouldn't wear fake plastic vampire teeth.

"Are you sure you don't want to use that plastic teeth? They have two sharp eyeteeth that would accentuate your appearance of a vampire." I tried it again, shaking his unoccupied arm; the other one was brushing a loose strand away from his forehead as he looked in the mirror again.

"No." It came out of his mouth stern and had a tenacious tone to it.

"But why?" I whined.

"I won't put anything in my mouth, unless it's edible or your dick."

Taken aback by this, my voice stuck in my throat, totally loss for words as an awkward silence established between us and even Levi figured out that what he had uttered just now wasn't the most appropriate thing. While holding my breath in, clueless whether to laugh or lecture, I watched how Levi averted his gaze after some time, furrowing his brows in distress before his stare settled on my face again and with eyes narrowed in uncertainty he said,

"This wasn't very romantic, was it?"

_Oh Levi, my dear._

Slowly, very slowly, I shook my head, giving him a perplexed expression.

"Next time I'll try harder." he then added quickly, going back to his usual self.

I threw my arms around his neck, holding my face close to his. "Aw, it's okay. Don't feel obliged to do that." Indeed I had noticed how Levi wanted to be and do more romantic stuff with me, solely because he thought that our relationship was lacking of it and thus it would leave me dissatisfied—which wasn't true at all. I was fine the way Levi treated me. "You're doing fine. It's not necessary for you to be all romantic."

"But I'm sure a relationship needs at least a bit of cheesy romance, and I think we don't have much of it. C'mon, don't tell me you're fine the way everything is. I can't imagine that."

"It's true, though. Perhaps you didn't realize it, but you are showering me with loving gestures the whole time already."

"Oh, really?"

I nodded happily. "Yeah. Only recently, for example. You know, when I had to settle things between Armin and I. No matter how difficult I was with my mood swings and temper you were always there for me. You eased me with your hands stroking my face and hair, your words cured my despair and I just _adored_ the way you comforted me with your hugs and kisses. Don't doubt yourself, Levi. You don't have to think of ways of how to be romantic consciously. It happens by itself and _subconsciously_."

There was a long time where Levi's luminous grey eyes pierced through mine softly, blinking before he took a deep breath. "I see."

"Okay, enough of that. Let's send a picture of our costumes to Armin. Maybe he'll send us his and Jean's back. After all, they're going to attend Connie's Halloween party." I took my phone out, opening the camera app.

"Are you sure you don't want to attend his party instead?"

Connie invited me to his party as well, but... "Hanji sent us an invitation first. First come, first serve. Also, I would rather not have Jean around me for hours straight if not necessary. Also, it would be a waste for you, too. My friends aren't yours, but the other way around is not exactly the same. I know quite a few of your friends now, so doing it this way is better."

"You don't have to look after me. You can go to your friend's party and I can stay at home. This way everyone is happy."

"Nope." I tapped my finger on his nose, as though I'd scold him, "Today we're gonna have some fun. No staying at home allowed."

Levi wanted to object, but nothing more than grumbling sounds were heard behind his shut mouth. And then I raised my phone, the camera lense directed at us. Holding Levi by his waist from behind with my other hand, I smiled and took a photo.

The picture turned out pretty well, except for one little thing... "If you're already opting for looking grumpily into the camera, you could have at least not sulked."

"I _wasn't_ sulking." Levi hurled. "That's how I look."

I sent that pic to Armin first and turned my attention to him then, pecking his cheek. "And you look so cute."

He huffed, crossing his arms as he turned his face away from me. Oh god, he was so cute when he was as stubborn as a child and mad like one. "I'm not cute. Don't think I'll forgive you as easily as that."

Playing hurt, I saddened my expression on purpose. (My act would have been topped, if my fake wolf ears had the ability to drop; just like they would on dogs). I faked a sniff and jutted my lips forward. "What do I do now? Wolves don't like to be lonely."

His eyes peered at me, slitted, attempting to not give in. But he failed. "Come here, you lonely wolf." I accepted his offered hug, running into his opened arms and nuzzled the crook of his neck. It remained cuddly until a remark of him destroyed the smitten mood. "Your fur is in my mouth, let go of me."

"You could have said that a bit nicer." A high-pitched chime drew our attentions to my phone. The tone and blinking on my screen signalled me that I received a message. Taking a look at it, I figured it was Armin. "Oh, Armin sent us a message... and a picture!"

Levi looked at my phone from behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder. Armin's message read "Happy Halloween" and the picture he sent me showed him dressed in a bunny costume (oh my god, so cute!) and a grinning Jean dressed as a mummy who was...

Showing the finger to the camera.

My phone trembled in my hand in anger as I gritted my teeth. "Jean, you fucking..."

Levi on the other hand hummed in amusement. "Seems that you and that guy will never get along. At least not in this lifetime."

"That's nothing new. I knew that the very first time I met him."

And then I got another message from Armin, which read,

 

_'I'm so sorry, Eren! I didn't want to send you this one. Jean did it! ｡･ﾟ･(ﾉД')･ﾟ･｡'_

 

"So that middle finger wasn't planned?" Levi asked next to my ear as his hands found my waist.

"No, it wasn't. You see that? His hand is blurry. Which probably means that he rose his hand to the camera last second. And knowing that Armin wouldn't send me a pic like this to me, he acted fast and sent it himself before Armin could delete it."

"Wanna send him one back?"

I contemplated that thought for a while, but eventually decided not to. "Nah, that'd be too bothersome now."

Another chime sounded off, but it had a different tone.

"This time it's not my phone."

Levi sighed loudly as he grabbed his phone from his back pocket, groaning, "I bet all my money on it that it's Hanji." His phone screen lit up and brightened his already pale face with a white light as he unlocked his phone to open the message. His face changed to a deep frown in a split second. "What the fuck. She's asking whether we'll still come to her party. Oh my god, how annoying. She already sent me a message today in the morning. Why the fuck does she need reassurance several times a day?!"

I creased my brows. That Hanji would be as annoying as this was nothing new, but something else rose my attention. "Why is Hanji so obsessed with us attending her party?"

"How on earth should I fucking know what is going on in her head? Maybe because we've been friends for so long now and she knows how much her existence bothers me. She probably has fun getting on my nerves. Eccentric person, you know. Crazy scientist, on top of all."

"That's... reasonable." I shrugged.

"Anyway," Levi's fingers hit the screen, tapping a reply furiously before he handed me his phone. "Let's go now or else I'll receive 20 more messages from her. Just let me go pick something up from my room. I forgot something. Oh, and if she writes back – no matter what the content of her message is – reply with a 'Go fuck yourself, shitty glasses.'

I couldn't hold back a little amused smirk that grazed my lips as I watched Levi go to his room and yelled one last thing to his direction. "I know that feeling. That's the same love that exists between Jean and me. Beautiful, isn't it?" And then a chuckle left my own lips as I huffed at my own sarcasm. Seems that everyone had that one friend that they couldn't stand, no matter what, and yet they were around you because they were the friend of one of your friends.

Or the husband of your best friend.

Shrugging that thought off, I viewed the display of Levi's phone, reading the latest text message he'd sent Hanji. 'Stop messaging me every damn minute! I'd have told you if we decided not to come, you underdeveloped animal!'

Other people may have problems with Levi's language sometimes, but here I was, having fallen in love with that extraordinary side of him. I was probably one of the very few who was aware of his soft side. After all, up until recently he hadn't shown even bits of it to the outside world.

It took Hanji half a minute to reply, but what she wrote caused my anger to boil up inside me as soon as my eyes read the first few letters.

 

_'Your honey-boo Erwin is waiting for you. Don't miss that chance darling~'_

 

In that moment there was no thought left to execute Levi's request because wrath overtook me from one second to the other. My knuckles turned white from my hand clenching around Levi's phone and I screamed an angered cry as I raised the device above my head, ready to threw it down hard. "Fuck you!"

Levi snatched his own phone from my hand behind me before it'd meet the floor in a violent throw. "Woah, slow down right there. Don't destroy my phone. I still need it."

I panted hard, desperate madness heating me up, making it difficult for me to cool down. Balling my hands to fists, I turned around and spoke in a spat, earning a confused expression from him. "I don't know what that "joke" between Hanji, Erwin and you is but I hate it! I fucking hate it! Make it stop, please!"

Levi held my head between his hands, edging me to look into his eyes. "Calm down, will you? I'll explain to you what that thing between us is. I promise you it's harmless."

"How on earth should something like that be harmless?! How, when you fooled me once by claiming that Erwin is in love with you! How, when Hanji came up with that story of you and Erwin fucking a lot! How, when she calls Erwin your honey-boo! I don't like that joke at all! I hate it! Levi, I'm sick of this! I don't want to be confronted with anyone or anything that is a threat to our relationship, even if it's only a joke! I have already endured so much, I'm tired of this! No one—"

My voice was cut off by a pair of lips claiming mine, pressing me into a long kiss. Anxiety and insecurity had me still furious, but I let this kiss happen, without contributing much to it.

When Levi parted his lips from mine, I didn't give out any sound, being glared at with a serious expression and dull grey orbs. "When were you going to shut up and let me explain?" he growled lowly, at the same time my cheeks became victims of his soothing strokes. "The story behind it isn't as bad as you think."

"I don't want to hate Erwin, but... after everything you all told me I have no other choice left. I can't stand the idea of anyone—" I took a deep sigh, calmed down as much as possible and went on, "Okay. Tell me what it is all about."

"Just now, I told you already that I know Hanji for a very long time now. We met in highschool. Actually I had never wanted to have friends there and didn't have any. That was until Hanji and Erwin talked to me and while I was constantly making it clear to them that I didn't want to be friends with them, it was especially Hanji who was persistent. In the end, I gave it up and let them become my friends. Even back then Hanji used to be weird already, but after a while of spending time together, I noticed that Erwin was really nice to me. He was nice to everyone and never rose his tone or picked up fights. Also he used to worry about me many times. That's why, one day, I asked him out of the blue whether he was in love with me. It was meant as a joke, though! I knew Erwin well enough to know that he wasn't gay. I had no interests in him either, neither back then nor today. Hanji and Erwin knew about me swinging both sides and when I came up with that ask, Hanji burst out a loud laughter while Erwin denied my question. Since then Hanji and I would use that joke to jokingly mock him as friends, but we all know that this isn't serious at all. I am _not_ in love with him. And he is _not_ in love with me. Yes, Hanji is aware of that, but she enjoys pretending that the opposite is the case. Hell, Erwin is married and the straightest guy I've ever met. Also, I've stopped joking around. It's gotten boring and Erwin doesn't deserve to be annoyed this much. He's my good friend. When I told you about him the very first time I used an excuse to get you to... Well, you know what I mean. I'm sorry, Eren."

Levi's story helped only semi to satisfy my need for explanation. Only now did I realize that my heart was going faster than usual, pumping anxiety to my bloodstreams. "I-I hate that joke. Let Erwin be and tell Hanji to stop with it as well."

"I'll tell her that today. Have you calmed down now?"

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, released the breath slowly and nodded then. "Yeah."

"Good. I didn't want to make you mad."

"You didn't do anything. Hanji is at fault. It'd be best if we didn't go to her party now." I crossed my arms, frowning. "That's the least she deserves."

"Under normal circumstances I'd agree, but..." Levi paused, staring deeply into my eyes as he said in a dead serious tone, "Do you really want to risk getting terrorized by her the next few days for not having attended her oh so important Halloween party? I wouldn't dare that, to be quite honest. It's better to go now and stay there for a few hours rather than have her do God knows what with us."

"Sometimes I'm wondering whether she's even allowed to act freely. Are you sure she didn't break out from a mental hospital or whatever?" This was half-serious, half a joke while I asked myself whoever had had to suffer from Hanji's craziness the most.

"She is sane enough to act on her own. Just a little bit too dedicated to science and animal researches. That's what gives her her crazy attitude. And she's enjoying life by adding a fun factor to something whenver she can." Levi led us to the front door. "Let's go now or else we're going to be bombarded with more messages from her."

"Does she have a lover?" I asked last, although the answer was almost too obvious.

Levi opened the door for me. "Nope. Asexual, and too much interested in other people's love life than her own."

"I expected you to say that. Geez, I hope she won't be too stresful today."

Suddenly Levi's phone signalled another incoming message. We stayed still and Levi closed his eyes, seeming to curse profanities in his mind.

"Can I break it this time?" I suggested, my tone innocent as I opened my palm.

"No. Let's hurry or else I'll make plans on how to torture her on our way."

At that time I couldn't know that Hanji had for sure things planned that would bring not only Levi but especially me to the edge of despair and would strain my nerves to unbelievable extents.

 

~~~

 

"Shiganshina university?" I questioned, confused at why Hanji would choose a setting like this.

"Yes." Levi locked up his car and beckoned me to follow him. I did as he went on. "She works here."

"But why would she throw a party here of all places?"

"Her apartment is too small for everyone she's invited to fit inside. Apparently the science faculty has hall big enough to throw a party there. Also, she told me something about needing some chemicals from the chemistry laboratories for her party."

"Do I have to be worried now? I'd rather not have something explode close to me."

"Luckily Hanji isn't as dumb as to do dangeorus things recklessly. But whoever gave her permission to use the science hall will regret it by tomorrow. It's gonna be a mess, I can already tell."

We walked outside around the campus until we reached the science faculty building and aimed for the open door we spotted. Various colours beamed through the windows and one could hear faint sounds of music from the distance, so there was no doubt that this was where Hanji would hold her Halloween party.

Right at the doorsill we bumped with Oluou and Petra.

"Oh, hi, Eren. Hi, Levi. Nice costumes." Petra greeted us first, waving. She and Oluou were disguised as zombies, but not simply zombies. Petra was a zombie bride and Oluou the zombie groom. Now I remembered that they were engaged. With their skin painted in ugly green, scars and wounds attached to the face and fake blood staining their costumes and body, they looked great as the undead couple.

"Hey. I can only say the same back." I sent a smile to Petra's direction, but dropped it when I set my eyes on Oluou who was watching me in an arrogant way. What on earth was wrong with him?

"Heh. I didn't know today is your wedding. Congratulations." Levi joked, patting Oluou's shoulder as he smirked at him.

Oluou let out a "Tch", which brought back my memory of the fact that he'd occasionally try being a second Levi. He slapped Levi's hand away. "Don't touch me with your filthy hands or else you won't be invited to our real wedding."

"Oluou!" Petra scolded him, nudging his side. To this, he rolled his eyes and Levi gave him a scowl.

"There you all are!" Someone that couldn't be mistaken as anyone else than Hanji screeched at us from the front door, spreading her arms as she hugged Petra and Oluou first and then Levi and me.

Her hug was really tight and hurt.

"Oh my fucking god, that's enough, shitty glasses. Fucking let go of me!" Levi spat, pulling her away by her forehead.

Hanji didn't do else than to grin widely at us while she was being pushed away, but then she adjusted her glasses and exclaimed once again how happy she was that we were finally here.

Basically she was dressed like a scientist the way we would associate generally. White gown, wool pullover, black pants and her usual glasses that already looked nerdy enough. The major difference from her usual appearance though was the fact that she wore a grey wig to which curly locks were attached and from many places hair stuck out in every direction. Also, she looked at least 30 years older with that make-up on her face. She probably used a face mask to make her face look creasy and wan.

"And you are...?" Knitting my brows, I cocked my head, viewing Hanji's outfit in curiosity.

"Frankenstein."

"Isn't Frankenstein that monster?" I questioned, crossing my arms.

"Nope." She rose one finger in a lecturing manner. "That's a common mistake people like to assume. _Dr_ Frankenstein is the scientist who created that inhumane being."

"I see." Not being more interested in that matter, I went along with her explanation and stepped inside when she asked us to do so.

"Mike is dressed as Frankenstein's creation, though." Hanji added after a while. "His costume is marvelous. He even attached two screw nuts to the side of his neck to make it look like the screw is piercing through his flesh."

"Cool." I retorted in rather disinterest.

"Geez, what's up with you, Eren? I didn't invite you to be this moody. Smile!"

"You can guess what it is."

There was no way that things would be fine with Hanji and me just like that. If she really thought it would, she was too ignorant for thinking that her behaviour and tricks could be put on ice that easily.

Hanji didn't seem to have listened to me much because not much later she said "Wait here! I have to show you something" and distanced herself from us, leaving us in the middle of the hallway. We haven't even come as far as to enter the place where all the other guests were!

Oluou and Petra chattered carefreely, while Levi commented with, "Whatever she wants to show us... I don't wanna see it."

I could only agree to that, letting my gaze wander around the hallway as I waited for Hanji to come back and when I was facing the front again, Hanji had already joined us again unexpectedly, holding up something in front of her face.

"Look who I brought along! Say hi to Sawney!"

My heart skipped a beat at that big something in Hanji's hands – having the form of a ball and moving dubiously in the semi-darkness we were surrounded with – and as I felt goosebumps crawl up my body, causing every strand of my hair to stand up, I sent one of my hands flying to that thing in her hand in a defensive way of protecting myself and yelled, "Oh my fucking god! Take that shit away from me!"

It was one of the worst feelings ever hitting that thing forcefully with my bare hand, ripping it off Hanji's hold. I didn't know what direction my slap took; all I cared about was that this thing would land far away enough from me.

Obviously Hanji became the most appalled by my action. "No! Sawney!" She went after him... or her... _it_.

"I hope it's dead!" Oluou snapped in annoyance, his voice words drawling out of his mouth with loathing.

As I swiveled in my heels, facing my back at her in disgust, I switched my gaze from Oluou to Petra to Levi repeatedly, gripping my wrist firmly that had felt the impact just now. "Oh my god, what was that?! It felt so warm on my palm," My right hand vibrated as adrenaline shot through my body, rising my fear to a whole new level, "and fat!" I finished, the feeling of that round thing brushing my skin still lingering on my hand.

"Well, Eren," Petra moved next to me, cupping one side of her mouth as she whispered to me, "that is one of Hanji's experiments."

"Gross."

"Indeed. Try telling her that."

"Eren, you meanie!" Hanji's cry echoed through the hallway. "I won't show you my babies ever again!"

"I never asked you to do so! How absurd it is of you to really try creating a new species. Don't you know the ending of Frankenstein's story?!" Rage bubbled up my emotions and partly I found it just so ludicrous how Hanji had made me so heated up after only minutes having passed—literally.

There was a little time span where I didn't hear anything from her, except her breathing that got louder with every passing second until her face was close to mine, glasses luminated in the colours of the varying light next room. "Frankenstein is only fiction! Of course it didn't work! But my experiments will work, just you wait."

There was that part of my mind that wanted to blend out her words and pretend that nothing of this was happening. That I wasn't talking to a person this obsessed with illusionary things. "How many times did your head hit the floor when you were a baby?" I growled at her, indicating with that how weird she appeared in front of others.

She gasped, and I couldn't tell whether she was just playing it or not. "You're cruel, Eren. So mean. It happened only twice."

Oh my god. One day this woman would drive me crazy. But in a bad way.

Someone tugged at my sleeve and then I made out Levi's well known 'Oi.' "Let's go inside already. This is getting too annoying."

My eyes still slightly widened, I let out an exhausted sigh. "How did you manage to endure her for so many years?" Petra and Oluou walked ahead of us, entering the big hall first.

"Remember that today is Halloween. Her most favourite day of the year. It's plausible why she is like that; well, to some extent. You haven't gotten used to her yet."

"I think I don't wanna."

"Understandable."

"Do you by any chance have hand sanitizer with you?"

"By any chance, no."

"Hey, Levi! Do you know whether Farlan and Isabel will come, too?" Hanji asked throwing an arm around his shoulder as she caught up with us. For some reason a strange feeling in my guts was evoked by the mention of their names. And with that came unpleasant memories from a certain day that luckily were as fast forgotten as they appeared.

"When are you going to finally get it. I'm not living together with them. I don't know what they're doing or whatever. Don't ask me useless questions to which I can't say more than to _fucking ask them that yourself_."

Hanji scoffed. "Fine, grumpy old man."

Finally, we've reached the hall. "You're older than me, shitty glasses."

"One year is no year."

This time it was Levi scoffing, and I threw a pissed off glare at Hanji. Though I was certain that she wouldn't get the meaning behind nonverbal gestures. On the other hand, she wouldn't leave one at peace even if one were to beg her.

"Anyway. Enjoy your stay, honeys. Oh wait, wait! There's one thing I wanna ask of you two." She switched her position from next to Levi to between us, shoving us a bit apart as she took our hands into hers each. "You two are a couple, aren't ya?" Her head waved from left to right, analyzing our expressions that solely showed off anger that was directed at her and in addition to that neither of us uttered a reply. But no response was also a response. Hanji nodded once, threading Levi's and my finger together and placed her hand over our weaved hands. While her grin was unsightly, there was contentment and softness in her voice. "Beautiful."

I sighed an annoyed groan, rolling my eyes.

She pushed our backs forwards, making me stumble while Levi pierced glowers at her, catching me before I'd fall.

"Have fun, you love birds~" Waving, she retreated herself to the hallway; probably welcome other of her guests.

"Hands down. This doesn't look so bad." Levi said, emotionless and almost indifferent, although his comment revealed the opposite.

Judging from his swaying pupils, he surely meant the decoration. The hall (that didn't resemble a science room at all) was cramped with tons of Halloween decorations all over the walls and ceiling, windows and tables. Even the floor was pinned with spider's web stickers. The snacks and drinks were all Halloween-themed, such as fingerfood that looked like chopped and bloody fingers or cocktails in crimson red or dirty green colours. Many people had already gathered here, chattering joyfully. Dressed in costumes typical for Halloween: Witches, more zombies, monsters, aliens, crazy killers or Grim Reapers, ghosts, vampires.

Of course, none of the vampires looked as handsome and spooky as Levi.

"How many of my friends do you know?" The music wasn't too loud, so that I was still able to make out Levi's voice from a close distance. The changing colours of the light painted our bodies in different shades when I turned my head to him.

"Everyone who was on your siblings' birthday party."

"I see." Levi rested a hand on my shoulder as his face scooted next to mine, a finger pointing at someone before our eyes, but a bit far away.

"Hanji was right. Mike is dressed as Frankenstein's monster." Now I saw him too and wow Hanji wasn't exaggerating when she said that Mike did a good job at playing that monster. His forehead had gained width, eyebrows accentuated and face altered patchy—full of scars and uneven blemishes. Skin having taken a pale, dirty colour, there was a tool that looked like it'd pierce through his throat, as if it could keep head and neck together; it was a giant screw. "Do you see that blonde woman next to him? That's Nanaba. His girlfriend. Mike is the second weird person after Hanji, but, unlike her, the thing about him were his strange habits. And yet he found someone who tolerated his habits enough to be his girlfriend."

I mouthed an 'Oh' and remembered again that Mike's habit was to sniff at other people. Also, Nanaba was an undead dead, her lower half of her face looking like someone had ripped that part of skin off her face.

Levi continued and motioned my body to another direction. "A bit to the right there is a dark-haired man. He's wearing a Hannibal Lecter costume. That's Nile Dok. It doesn't matter how much you hate Hanji or your best friend's husband. The biggest rivalry there exists is the one between Nile and Erwin."

Now that sounded interesting.

"How comes?"

"Two men, one woman. In the end only one will savour the glory of victory and the other one has to face bitter loss."

"Are you talking about Erwin's wife?"

"Yes. She's also Nile's ex-girlfriend. But don't get it wrong now. Erwin and Nile have never been good friends to begin with."

"Bitter loss at its finest, huh?"

"It's undeniable that something like this hurts a man's pride."

I wrapped my arms around his body, my chest snuggling his upper half. "Even if I pity him now, after your clarification today I'm just glad that I'm not in the same situation as he is." A sheepish and smitten smile curled up my lips.

Levi's thumb caressed parts of my face, tracing my bottom lip at last. "Don't worry. Erwin will never get in our way."

Speaking of the devil, it was right at this very moment that Hanji called after Erwin.

Not giving much attention to it, Levi and I paced forward to a group of people where we knew most of them, and were confronted with that said person splitting from the group to give Hanji a little wave before he made his way to her.

Erwin stopped in his tracks when he encountered us and we did the same.

Mere inches separated us and it was now that I realized... _it_.

At this sight, my jaws dropped incredibly, face expressing shock and unwelcomed surprise simultaneously as I blankly stared at him—too paralyzed to form any coherent words in my mind and utter them intelligibly.

This couldn't be...

How could this happen?!

What was going on here?!

"Impossible!" I yelled as I pointed at Erwin who had been just as caught off guard as I was, motionless and speechless, brows knitted in apology before he sighed and took the headband off his head. He also muttered something that was too low for me to hear and which I couldn't decipher from his lip movements.

"Oh, shit." I heard Levi curse next to me.

Those black pants. That white shirt and that black vest. Gloves in just the same colour, those fake vampire wings and the fucking same red cravat!!

"How can you have the exact same Halloween outfit as Levi?!" My fingers fisted into my hair, shaking with frustration, and I was so close to pull at them. Erwin dressed as a vampire. A vampire like Levi was! This was impossible! My beautiful plan! The costume I chose for Levi wasn't that easy to find; a rare and expensive one on top. Same regarding my outfit. I wanted this to be something special between us. No matter how many people would choose a wolf or vampire costume, no one was supposed to look the same as Levi or me!

And now this! Not a random person but Erwin!

I had been on a good path to just leave those misunderstandings of him and Levi behind and now I didn't know anymore what to feel. Other people might not take it as seriously as me, but deep down in my head this was a hard challenge for me. My patience and jealousy was tested once again.

"Why... How... I don't understand... " I whimpered, wishing to just melt to the ground. Or be at home where nothing of this would have happened. "Levi, did you tell him about your costume?"

"No, I didn't."

"But this can't be! This can't be a simple coincidence! For that it's just too coincidental, it can't be true! Why him of all people?! I didn't tell him either! The only ones who knew about our costumes are Armin and Han—"

And suddenly I found the key to the revelation. All the pieces of the puzzle were put together and exposed the one logic answer to this. Memories of the past few days occured to my mind again. Of the messages Hanji had violated my phone with. Her persistance and beggings to show her our costumes. And how I had finally given in to her pleas because at some point I got too annoyed of her. At that time, I had figured it was a mistake giving her my number, but now this thought reached new dimensions.

Now everything made sense.

Fingernails clawing into my own flesh as I clenched my hands into tight fists, I pushed out heavy and dangerous breaths as I turned my body around halfway, my eyes fixating on the person who was to blame for all this, glaring holes into her head. "Hanjiiiiiiii..." I gnarled, my teeth pressed that hard together that it hurt.

Hanji didn't do more than grinning widely at me as she waved quickly. "Hi."

"Yeah, it was indeed Hanji." A deep voice that seemed to belong to Erwin spoke behind me. "Actually I had other costume plans, but it was her who came up with this vampire thing last second and literally forced me into it."

Rage filled me up from the inside as my glare intensified, the thought of revenge fueling me. She was the worst. It was obvious why she had planned this. That joke between them as friends and her sadistic side that wanted to see me suffer and mortify with jealousy.

The moments of stillness were over and it was me who began chasing after her and barely a millisecond later Hanji was already running away, me following and screaming after her.

"You annoying ass! Wait! Don't run away!"

Hanji ran towards the inner hallway of the science department, randomly turning into side floors on the left and right. Not once did I take my eyes off her, staying close on her heels, eager to fucking teach her a lesson. She should fucking regret messing with me!

Unbearable was her ugly, loud laughter echoing through the hallways. When I thought that I had finally caught her, she made a sudden turn to the left and I did the same, not paying much attention to the sight before my eyes and as I blindly followed her, my whole body met with something hard (I figured out fast that it was a closed door), forcing me to the ground.

Dizzy for the first few seconds, I clutched my face, muttering a "Fuck!" and "Shit!" under my breath.

A cracking noise sounded off, indicating that a door (the behind me) was opened. And then Hanji laughed loudly at me. "Haha, I can't believe you fell for that old trick, Eren! You're too funny!"

In a matter of a second I got up and rushed to Hanji who'd already moved again and closed the door before I could trespass it. Even though it was useless, I pressed my body hard against the door from my spot, silently piercing scowls at Hanji through the glas that was built in to the door. On the other side of it, she was leaning her hands against the glass as her face grimaced a crazy, amused expression, nose touching the transparant frame and her breath aspirating a round damp onto the glass.

She shall fucking feel what it means to mock me!

"Just you wait. I'm gonna break this door." I took a few steps back as I murmured this to myself, not averting my eyes from Hanji once. I had no clue how one would force a door open with one's foot or even whole body, but I decided to just do it somehow. As long as it was done with full force, it should work. I was ready to make my move when I received a message all of a sudden and most importantly _at the worst timing ever_! "What the... Who the fuck dares sending me a message— _Aw!_ "

A hand of mine cupped my cheek as I checked my phone and realized that it was Levi who had texted me.

 

_'Don't commit murder.'_

 

Even if this was basically a joke, it was so sweet of Levi to care about me as much as to think that I was capable of doing very problematic things if necessary. Which reminded me of...

My facial muscles hardened along with my eyes narrowing down as I faced Hanji again who hadn't moved from her spot at all, continuing to view me from the other side of the door that separated us.

Just like a few hours ago, my hand that held the phone was raised above my head. If I... If I just hit the glass hard enough... it would break the glass.

A vibration and acoustic tone signalled another income of a message.

 

_'Eren, come back.'_

 

_Levi, please!_

I whined inwardly as I fought with my inner self, partly wishing to release my anger on Hanji, but another part of me didn't want to disappoint Levi and his trust in me.

I had to undergo minutes of internal struggles before the grip around my phone loosened and my body had calmed down as much as to not shiver in wrath anymore. Sighing loudly, I slowly made my way back, not bothering to glance at Hanji or else I'd fall back into my prior intentions.

It took me literally ten minutes to figure out my way back to the hall. Great how less knowledge about my former university was left in my head.

When I joined Levi again, he was still at the place I had left him, conversating with Erwin whose costume had noticibly changed.

"There you are."

I placed a hand over my face, a faint afterpain still roaming through my head. "Hanji, that bitch. It's because of her that I ran against a door."

Levi examined my face. "Does it hurt too much? Is something broken?"

"No." I mumbled as I shook my head.

"Well, the positive thing is that the problem is solved. Look." Levi waved a hand at Erwin.

Over his costume there was a white cloak draped over. "I'm a ghost now." he said, casual, and smiled, a rapid movement of his hand under the garment causing it to flatter.

I hummed, not finding the energy to keep up with this thing anymore. It was so nervewrecking.

"Please excuse me." I started. "I have the sudden need to fill my stomach with lots of food now. You'll find me at the buffet table." I walked away without bothering to hear an answer coming from Levi – though he didn't appear to disapprove my decision –, teetering stiffly to the table filled with all kinds of edible things.

Surprisingly, the finger foods, sandwiches and other snacks were heavenly delicious; it brought me as far as to stuff handfuls into my mouth. At the buffet, I got into conversations with other people, talking about random issues. As my mood brightened with each new load saturating my stomach, I eventually loosened completely and considered my time here to be better than expected. I knew that food would always please people.

Though, soon I had to be disturbed in my peace—and of course it was by Hanji.

"Do you like the things I made? They're tasty, aren't they?" she squealed, her voice drumming in my ear, although there were at least six feet between us.

I threw a glare at her and already contemplated which one of the finger foods I had grabbed just now would hurt the most when being thrown.

Hanji came closer, overseeing (or maybe ignoring) the threat that was emitted from me. "C'mon, Eren. Are you really that mad at my surprise?"

"Why did you do that?! Stop joking around. Erwin and Levi don't have any mutuals feelings for each other."

"But they are good friends, you know? Since Erwin has moved to Wall Sina District after university graduation, they don't see each other that often anymore. See it as a matching costumes between friends!" She clapped her hands together, glittering a smile.

"Matching costumes, my ass! This is the worst idea you could come up with!"

"But Eren..." She began sulking, her eyes googling a puppy eyes look. This didn't look cute at all when being disguised as an old, wrinkly scientist.

"Don't annoy me. Let me and Levi at peace." I filled two plates with various food, taking them in one hand and leaving the buffet. Only a few steps taken, and I already stopped in my tracks. "By the way," Even if I didn't turn to her, it was clear that my words were aimed at Hanji, "You could've convinced as many people as you want to wear the same costume as Levi, in the end it wouldn't have mattered. Levi wouldn't have been flattered. Because..." Smirking, I whipped my head back as lasciviousness glistered in my eyes. I clapped a hand over my right ass cheek and squeezed once. "Levi can't resist this wolf ass here."

The result was a stammering and squeaking Hanji being left behind, screaming "Eren, you hot beast!" at me last but not least.

The moment I went back to Levi, Erwin had disappeared and instead he was talking to Petra (and Oluou; whether he wanted it or not) and Mike, Günther and Erd. It rather looked as though they were attempting to convince him to talking more to them and Levi refused to, giving them a frown. At their high table, I placed my plates in front of Levi, stating with excitement in my tone, "Look what I brought along! They taste so great! You should try them, too." I had already taken a snack between my fingers, raising it too his mouth.

"Oh, let me have a taste as well." Oluou said, an arm longing for my food. Immediately, I slammed an arm before my plates, building a barier between his greedy fingers and my plates; hissing like a wolf.

"Go grab some snacks yourself!" What was actually supposed to be treated to Levi landed in my mouth now as I embraced the delicious taste that unfurled on my tongue and stimulated my taste buds. The big question was how someone like Hanji had managed to make these things, but in the end I didn't care. If I were to have gained weight by tomorrow, it would be Hanji's fault.

Oluou clicked his tongue in annoyance, already making his way to one of the buffet tables as he glared at me, Petra not having succeeded in calming him down. I sent glares back at him, taking another bite demonstratively right in front of his eyes. Right now wild hunger and stubborness were controlling my mind and body.

"I didn't want to eat any of those anyway." Levi claimed, and I looked him in the eyes. What I saw in them concerned me. The colour in his eyes was dull and weak, empty, and his face showed off unhappiness.

Alarmed by this, I forgot about the food right away and was thinking about nothing else anymore than him. "Is something the matter? You look sad."

Levi averted his eyes, sighed slowly, looked around him and noticed that everyone was busied doing other things that didn't include listening to us, took my hand in his then, and established eye contact again. "It's obvious that I changed my attitude towards you. I am more open now and showing more feelings. More of those emotions that I had oppressed before. Right?"

I nodded, and Levi squeezed my hand lightly.

"I don't know how to act in front of my friends. The uncertainty of whether I need to be more open to them or not is bothering me. What if they call me weird when facing another self of mine? Everything would be easier, if I didn't change at all in front of them. But at the same time I can't get rid of the thought that I'm not the old me anymore. So why should I stick to my old self's attitude when I'm not the same anymore? And yet... I know that you wouldn't hurt me, Eren. But can I tell the same about other people I know?" Even if he wouldn't admit it out loud, I could sense the haze of despair in his voice.

Levi was scared of harming himself by making false decisions.

I lowered my gaze to our entwined fingers before I looked up at him again. A faint smile ghosted over my lips. "Friends aren't meant to hurt you. They exist to keep you away from loneliness and brighten your life. Even if it differs from person to person, there is a certain amounf of trust you can have in others. You don't have to, but when you spent much time with someone, you'll find out more about them; whether and how much you can entrust personal things, and how much you mean to them. A coin has always two sides, though. Sometimes one has to accept that not everyone who claims to be your friend has good intentions with you. As soon as you find that out, the best is to break ties with them. Forget about them and move on because no one has to suffer from abusive friends. I don't have the right to be the judge. It's up to you to decide how much you want to reveal your feelings and yourself to others. You can be cautious. Or you can follow your instincts. But look at them." I waved a hand towards everyone around us. Hanji, Erwin and Moblit have joined us as well by now. Hanji noticed us talking about them, attentive, trying to figure out what we were going on about. "You know them for quite a while now. Think to yourself how much you are willing to show of yourself. How much you'd trust them. Friends don't ridicule their friend for their problems. True friends feel with and comfort them."

Of course I didn't expect - even less did I demand - from Levi to tell them everything about himself. It wasn't an obligation in the first place and I think he understood. He eyed his friends silently, brows furrowed in deep contemplation.

My other hand found this back and I leant to his chest as I added, "You don't have to make a decision right away."

"No, it's fine." he retorted quickly. And then his facial muscles softened and ended in a small smile. "I think I know now what I want."

"Say, say. What were you two talking there about?" Hanji interrogated, making little jumps in place.

"Tch!" Oluou spat as he arrived at our table again, with food for himself. He was throwing a pissed off glare at me. "Here. My own snacks. Satisfied now, you little moron?"

I was about to snarl another remark at him, but Levi was faster. "For fucking's sake, Oluou! How many times did I tell you already to not imitate me anymore?! It's damn annoying."

"I'm not imitating you, brat!"

"Who are you calling brat? Brat!"

This was not what I had expected after our little talk, but it showed that – no matter whether Levi had changed – there'd always be things about him that would never change. I began chuckling and Petra did as well, the mood lightening up as we all embraced the easy-going atmosphere that had established around us.

Levi leant forward for a kiss and I did the same, our lips meeting in the middle. We didn't feel bothered by the others around us, blending out everything else mentally as I placed a hand on Levi's cheek. It felt so perfect. Well, until...

"Waaaaah!" Hanji exclaimed happily and tore us apart from our kiss. "Is my favourite couple making babies?" Her voice caught a crazy tone, as if she was starting obsessing over something.

"God damn it. Quit being annoying." Levi murmured, annoyed, frowning at her.

My head was resting on his shoulder again and I looked at her with hatred, too—for having dared intervening in something that we had actually enjoyed.

At that time, I shouldn't have thought that everything was over now and that Levi and I could enjoy the rest of the night in peace. Oh, how clueless I was because the “fun” was yet to begin.

Nothing was unusual at first, though. I had stayed by Levi’s side for a while until he mentioned a smoke break that I didn't want to be part of, so while I let him go outside, I myself headed for the buffet again. On my way, I talked to some people and one time Hanji even dared asking me whether I wanted to help her setting up everything for the upcoming Halloween games she’d prepared for today. A telling scowl at her was response enough to shut her up, sulk, and search for another one who’d lend her a hand.

At some time, I found myself in heated discussions between Levi’s friends who couldn't come to an agreement about who was wearing the best costume. Of course everyone claimed their own ones as the best, but that didn't bring them anywhere. It may be right that I didn't give my own personal opinion about that issue, listening to their arguments instead and agreeing to all of them (which just made it even more complicated to find a final “winner”) as I told myself that there could only be two winners when it came to judging whose costume was the best. Of course mine and Levi’s were the best and no one could tell me otherwise. Admittedly, I was laughing to myself when everything got out of hand and Oluou and Moblit found themselves in demanding a Halloween costume contest, but since Hanji didn't have something like that planned, she rejected their request. Lastly, she claimed that it was ridiculous to discuss over who looked best because it would be obvious that she herself was the one with the greatest costume.

I was nibbling one of my Teriyaki spit when Hanji patted my left shoulder. Looking at her caused me to roll my eyes and groan inaudibly, switching to an indifferent attitude.

“Everything alright?” she asked me out of the blue.

Yeah. I was totally fine until you appeared, thanks for asking.

“What do ya want?” I spat at her, sounding rude.

“Where is Levi?”

“Smoking.”

“Oh. Still?”

“Who knows?” At this point, I guessed that slowly but certainly it was about time for me to make him quit it again.

“You know…” Hanji paused, falling dead silent, and I darted my eyes at her with a questioning expression, spotting how she was trying to create suspense with her dramatic pause. “Last time I checked he was smoking together with Erwin.” Her eyes flashed up mischievously.

Normally, this shouldn't have me shook, but it did. At the same time I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I realized very quickly that claiming the opposite was pointless. Breathing in and out deeply in order to tell myself that there was nothing to worry about, I attempted to erase Hanji’s words from my mind that were bugging me right now. And when I dropped the spit I knew that I had given in to my ridiculous thoughts. There was that anxious part of me that kept at it and was certain about a specific thing, even though I was proven the opposite more than once already. Many times being proven only today. And yet those little thoughts in my head grew mouths and spoke. Wasn’t there that tiny little chance that Erwin and Levi had possibly…

A loud thud was caused by the door, which lead outside to the back of the hall, that I had ripped open violently. To my sight came Erwin and Levi who had held a carefree conversation, both of them smiling slightly. By the way I noticed that Erwin wasn't wearing that white cloak anymore, but had taken off his cravat and vest. I stared at them silently and with eyes widened in unreasonable anxiety. They stopped talking as soon as I appeared, Levi raising one brow, irritated, while Erwin eyed me, no expression on his face. The cigarettes they were holding between their fingers were fuming.

My concerns existed for no reason and this was the proof. But still…

“What is it?” Levi began first, taking a drag. He smirked when he puffed out the smoke. “Changed your mind and wanna join us?”

I didn't reply, making my way to Levi to give him a very tight hug.

“Woah. What has gotten to you, Eren? Is something wrong?” He stroked my head while his other hand holding the cigarette stayed away from me as far as possible.

I rose my head and looked into his eyes with earnest seriousness. “I’m just here to tell you that…” It was merely a split second that I shot a glare at Erwin, changing my expression back to my previous one as fast as I could. _Listen well, Erwin._ “I love you so much, Levi.”

“This is cute.” Erwin commented on us.

My eyes narrowed to a slit again and there was somewhat a bestial roar bubbling in my throat. If there had ever been a wolf spirit inside me it was coming to existence right at this very moment.

My fingers fisted Levi’s vest and I bit the inner flesh of my mouth, being overstrained with the situation myself. I didn't know what exactly I was trying to gain from this, but doing nothing hadn't been an option for me either.

“I don't know why you came up with this right now, but I appreciate it.” Levi told me, hugging me with one arm.

“Mine.” I cooed, rested the side of my head on his shoulder in a way that I could still beam glares at Erwin.

Thinking of how I was disturbing their conversation from good friend to good friend, made me remember Hanji’s words.

_‘They are good friends, you know? Since Erwin has moved to Wall Sina District after university graduation, they don't see each other that often anymore.’_

Now that I thought twice of it, I figured out it would be impolite and rude of me if I were to forbid them to do what good friends would do together.

“Okay, I got it now. You want my attention, right?”

And now I was practically forcing Levi to be with me instead of one of his friends.

This didn't feel right either. After all, I could be with him every day and every night.

“No.” I eventually spoke, releasing my grasp from him. “You and Erwin can go on talking about whatever you two were talking.” I waved with one hand dismissively, going inside. “Don’t mind my interruption.”

“Are you mad at me?” I heard Levi ask, worry but also sternness controlling his voice.

Either way it didn't make me utterly happy and since I had to choose one, I opted for the less selfish one. I hope my altruistic behaviour will pay off one day, I chose not to be selfish!

“Not at all.” I gave him a smile—it wasn't an entirely genuine one, but neither did it have any traces of pain. “You don't see Erwin that much, right? Spend as much of the remaining time with him as you want.”

I could guess from his face that Levi was doubting.

“You don't have to look after me.” Erwin barged in. “I don’t want to stand in your way.”

I clicked my tongue, giving him a scowl. “Don’t make it more complicated. I’d rather not have my decisions being invalidated.”

“Fine.” He rose his arms in defense. “Fine by me.”

“It’s okay, Levi. Really.” And in order to stress that, I added, “I have plenty of time to get attention from you, love.” I blew him a kiss and left with that, and the last thing I heard from them was a

“Nice.” from Erwin and a

“Shut up.” from my beloved Levi.

 

~~~

 

Despite of the fact that I had made this decision myself, it didn't help me with my bad mood.

After the encounter with Erwin and Levi, I had retreated myself with a drink to one of the tables near the corner, head laying on the surface as I sulked and drowned myself in self-pity. Some had approached and asked me whether I was alright (like Petra, Günther or some random people did) and to each I had nodded to their first question and shook my head when they asked whether I wanted them to bear me company. Thus, as I had wanted it, I was left alone. Occasionally taking a sip from my alcoholic drink that I had picked randomly.

There was one – and only that one – person that wouldn't give much shit about my needs such as desiring to be alone right now, so they joined me at the table, hitting my back encouragingly several times.

“What’s up, Eren? Don’t be so gloomy. The games will start soon. Aren’t you excited?” Hanji asked, her voice loud next to me.

“Go away.” I whined—to no avail.

“Seriously, though,” Her face was next to mine, eyes searching for an answer in my expression. I watched deadly into her orbs. “Why so down? Did something happen?”

Actually I hadn't wanted to answer her but as soon as I noticed that I could blame Hanji for a lot, I opted for talking to her because my answer was giving me the strength to speak up. “Taking everything that happened into consideration,” Just like she had done it before, I was the one taking that dramatic pause to raise the tension, “it’s all your fault.”

“Huh?!” Hanji sounded taken aback and confused.

I swayed the content in my glass and watched it whirl a swirl. “It’s actually quite easy to be honest. All your provocations starting from Farlan and Isabel’s birthday party and your mischiefs are the reason why I can’t do else than react stiffly whenever Erwin and Levi are mentioned in the same context. That joke between you three from back in highschool is the biggest shit ever.”

The first part of it was only half the truth, but I didn't think she had to know. My intention was to get Hanji away from her annoying play that dealt with pretending there was something going on between Erwin and Levi just because Levi had wondered once _jokingly_ whether Erwin was in love with him. Convincing her to stop fooling around, that is.

She silently replaced my now empty plastic cup with a full one, not feeling bothered by the fact that I had been watching her every movement with narrowed eyes just now. All she did was to grin at me.

“What did you put in there?” I questioned sternly.

“Nothing. That would cost my job.”

That was a valid answer, therefore I trusted her words. So she had another plan, I concluded.

“Don’t think you can get me drunk.” I said next and spilled some content into my mouth.

“Okay.” She sounded nonchalant, but at the same time I could see something sparkling in her eyes. As if she was awaiting her victory.

Not with me. As if I’d fall for her trick.

 

~~~

 

I lost. I have damn lost to her.

Our talk had dragged on and somehow Hanji had really managed to get me to drink more and more. Just because I was rambling to her (why her of all people?!) and swallowing down my dejection with alcohol.

And now I’d become a slurring mess.

“I love Levi sho much, y’know,” I babbled, swinging my cup in the air by my propped arm as the left side of my face lay flat on the table.

“Are you alright?” Hanji’s voice sounded dull in my ears.

“‘M fine, dammit.” Raising my head slowly, I stared at her, noticing how she was grinning at me. “What?”

“You drank alot.” She shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s because of you.”

“No.” She said that as if she was talking to a little child, shaking her head. “I didn’t force you to anything.”

“Hanji, fuck, why are you doing this to me?” I raised my cup to my lips, only to realize that it was empty. “More!” I threw the cup away, slamming a fist onto the table.

“Why did you drink this much in the first place?” Hanji probed, and in my current state I couldn't figure out where she was planning with that question.

So I answered like a slave. “Because I was unhappy.”

“Why are you unhappy?” I was sure that I had told her enough about my worries beforehand (I hope not too much) and this was probably just a feint to trigger something off inside me.

“Because seeing Erwin and Levi together makes m-me anxious!” I hit the table again, yelling this time and probably acted like a kid that was upset because they didn't get what they wanted.

“But you don't have to be anxious. Levi is your boyfriend, have you forgotten?” Hanji said it in a way that encouraged me to agree with her.

“Yesh, he is my boyfriend!” I repeated.

“Then go and get your Levi!”

“My Levi!” I stood up abruptly, and regretted it the instant because I almost fell. Taking a few seconds to gain my balance, I then chuckled out of the blue, stepping away from the table.

“Eren, where are you going?” Hanji sounded more than happy.

“I’m going to Levi…” I replied, smiling at that thought and made my way to the crowd in the middle of the hall. Somewhere… Somewhere there was Levi. I was sure about that.

My mind was working slowly and my sight wasn't the best, even less when flashy lights were added, but nevertheless I didn't give up and searched for him everywhere. It took me some minutes but when I finally found him close to the center of the whole room –together with Erwin –, I halted first, smile having become bright and called his name.

“Levi!” He did hear me but had to look around for a while before he spotted me. And his eyes widened slightly when his eyes settled on me because he realized I was running fast at him, not slowing down—not even when I had almost reached him.

“Wait—! Eren, what are you doing ther—”

I jumped on his body with my own whole body, arms and legs wrapping around him. I didn't think of what consequences my reckless move had, but it seemed that Levi had managed not to fall back, with me on top. So stumbling to the left and right, back and forth, Levi tried keeping himself up on his feet as I clung tighter onto him, grinning.

Finally he balanced himself and held me, too, though not as firmly.

“Eren? What are you doing there?” he asked, totally overthrown.

“I just want to hug you!”

“But not like this. You almost knocked us over. Me _and_ you.”

I didn’t listen to him, turning my face over to Erwin who was witnessing this with a questioning but amused face.

“Mine!” I yelled at him, holding Levi closer as I hooked my ankles tighter together on Levi’s back. “Levi is mine!”

“Yay! Bitch fight!” Hanji exclaimed, cheering.

“Oh my god, Hanji! What did you do this time?!” Levi snapped at her.

I hugged him as firmly as I could, pressing my eyes shut. “You are mine!”

“Yes, okay. Fine.” Levi tried to push me away from him, but I didn't move an inch. My head whipped from one side of the room to the other, glaring at everyone. I hope this way they understood who Levi belonged to. Some were giving us weird stares, others weren’t bothered by this. “I think _literally everyone_ understood that now. Eren, please. Get off of me.”

For some reason I really did as I was told, getting on my own feet. I had my eyes on Erwin again, cackling then. My subconsciousness knew that I should better shut up, but my mind was too foggy from the alcohol to think and judge properly. So as I held Levi's hand with one of my hands, the other one pointed at Erwin.

“You can’t take Levi away from me.” I told him, smirking confidently.

“I thought we’re through this now, Eren. Don’t make it worse.” Levi begged, shaking me by my occupied arm.

But I didn’t listen, pointing at random people around me. In between I caught a glimpse of Hanji watching us in awe, mouth wide and hands clapped together. “No one of you can take him away from me. Yea.” I nodded to myself, hiccuping once. I switched my gaze back to Erwin, my smirk not fading. He was looking at me with one big brow raised. “Levi and I experienced so much together. Yeah, you two didn't do any of those things together, right? You don’t even know how far we dare to go. One time even, Levi’s tongue was inside my a—”

“ _Eren._ ” Levi clapped a hand over my mouth, cutting off my voice. “This is nothing other people have to know.” I locked eyes with Levi lazily whose head was hovering over mine. There was no sign of embarrassment visible on his face. No redness nor flustered cheeks. Instead his grey orbs were piercing through me, silently telling me to watch out for my words. I huffed through my nose, grinning under his palm.

“Oh?” Erwin’s voice sounded off, directed at Levi. What I could tell from the corner of my eyes, he had his hands folded behind his back, giving Levi a suggestive smirk, this time raising a brow at him. “So this is stuff you are into? Interesting.” His words and his voice expressed how amused he was by this.

“Shut up. I’m sure you and Marie aren’t the most innocent in bed either.” was Levi’s response.

“You wanna know?”

“Hell no! Keep your fucking kinks to yourself.”

“Alright.”

Since I got bored of this after a while, my body did whatever shit my drunk mind was producing and ordering it. I licked Levi’s hand.

“The fuck…” Levi pulled his hand away, slight irritation mirrored in his face.

A random question popped into my head. “Where are your gloves?”

“You can be fucking glad that you didn’t lick my gloves. I took them off when I smoked.” I hummed a melody as I played with his fingers. “Listen. I don’t know how drunk you are, but as a 25 years old you should know how much alcohol you can handle.”

I blinked at him innocently, guessing from the way he looked at me that he was already so done with my shit. “I’m not 25.” I halted, raising a finger. “I’m 80.” And then I started laughing, loud, my tipsiness obviously doing all things to me.

Seconds later he shoved me away, saying, “Okay. You obviously need to take some fresh air.”

“But I’m fine!”

 

~~~

 

Honestly, the time outside, sitting with Levi on a bench nearby did really do me good. My head became clearer and I didn't feel as drunk as before. Levi ran his fingers through my hair, my head resting on his chest while my upper body leant on him.

To be quite frank, I could just close my eyes and sleep right there and right then.

But not with my guilt gnawing at me. “Do you hate me for being drunk?” I said sheepishly, picking at the sleeve of his pure white shirt.

“Why should I?”

“Because… well… You had had to make bad experiences with… _drunk people_.”

“You can’t compare yourself to them, Eren. They were alcoholics.”

“But still… Drunk means drunk.”

Levi’s chest rose and feel under my head as he took one deep breath and pushed it out as a sigh. “There are different kinds of drunk people. Those who become aggressive and violent when drunk. Those who embarrass themselves and fuck things up. Those who become emotional and cry all night. Those who become really eccentric and loud, acting like crazy. And then there is you.”

“Hey.” I countered, feeling attacked.

“Not meant in a good or bad way.”

“This doesn't make me feel better.”

“What I’m trying to say is that you aren't the worst when drunk. I don’t hate you at all for it.”

An almost inaudible hum sounded deep in my throat. Several minutes in silence passed. I wanted to sit like this together with Levi a little longer, but my mouth felt so dry and I couldn't take it anymore. “I’m so thirsty.”

“I’ll go get you some water.”

Whining, I reluctantly let go of Levi, sulking.

“There you two are!” Hanji suddenly yelled from the doorsill, waving at us. “The Halloween games will start soon!”

Levi beckoned her to go inside by pointing at the direction she came from. He created a furore with a rough and venomous voice. “Go inside. Immediately! We aren’t done talking yet!”

Hanji laughed as she disappeared again.

 

\- - -

 

**Levi**

Hanji was walking through the crowd a few steps ahead of me, but I caught up right away and grabbed her by the collar, pulling her back to me.

My own hands, that were fists now, gripped her collar hard as I tugged her up, forcing her to stand on her toes. The threatening death glares I was sending Hanji had little to no effect on her because her face faltered only a bit and that was just because of my very sudden action

“Listen well now, shitty glasses.” Each and every word that left my lips was underlined with bitter wrath and harsh crudeness, expressing the infinite hatred I felt for Hanji right now. “It isn’t funny anymore. Not at all! Stop using that joke about Erwin on him, me and especially Eren!”

Her eyes big, Hanji opened her mouth in wonder. “Wow, Levi. When was the last time I saw you this angry?”

“I’m serious here! Don’t underestimate my words!”

Her giggle snapped my last straw. Oh, how much I wanted to break that impudent mouth of hers.

“Levi,” Someone touched my shoulder. It was Erwin. “Don’t go too far.”

It took me seconds and all of my sanity to give him a satisfying answer. “I’ll try not to.”

“And you, Hanji, you were already going too far. More than once.”

“Pfft. No wonder that this would come out of your mouth.”

I shook her by her collar once to gain her attention. “You fucking won’t understand it, huh? You surely _don’t_ want to, huh?! Your silly behaviour is going too far. It’s enough. Leave Erwin at peace. And keep Eren out of this! Your “jokes” brought him to despair and exhaustion. I won’t let that happen to him ever again. Don’t you dare continue with your shits or else I’ll make a living hell out of your life!”

“Oh, I’m sure that would be interes—”

“For Heaven’s sake, Hanji!” My voice rose an octave. “Do you remember how I told you once that the relationship between Eren and me is complicated?”

“Of course I remember~! No way would I forget something like thi—”

“It isn’t complicated anymore. It isn't! And it shall stay like that. He doesn't deserve any pain anymore. We, but mostly he, suffered a lot from it. Don’t. you. dare. mock. him. in. any. way. Got it? I’m dead serious.”

Now a reaction was visible on her face: Smile dropped, brows drawn up in sorrow and the carefree joy mirrored on her face gone. “My babies had to go through pain?”

My brows twitched in irritation. “Don’t place us on the same level with your failing experiments.”

“My favourite couple had to go through pain?” she corrected herself, clutching a piece of her gown that lay over her chest.

Even if the most painful things happened beyond Hanji’s influence, it was already awful enough that she swirled up the peace that had finally settled between Eren and me.

Hopefully she fucking understood now.

“Now… what is your answer? Choose wisely, my fist is ready anytime.”

“Come on, Levi.” Erwin interferred. “You wouldn't punch her, no matter how annoying she is. All three of us know that.”

I didn't answer right away, debating over whether today would be the day where this would change. No, it wouldn't.

“Tch.” I pushed Hanji away from me, placing a hand over my hip. “You better don’t make me angry over this issue again.” Voice a lot calmer now, I took my eyes off her. Her voice got louder though and then I felt her shoulder brushing mine, passing me.

“Ereeeeeen! I’m sorry!” I didn't even need to turn around to know that she was going after him, so I just rolled my eyes.

“It’s finally over, hm?” Erwin cleared his throat.

“Yeah.”

“Eren, I’m so sorry! Don’t be mad at me, okay? I just wanted to have a little bit fun!” Hanji’s voice reached even us, although she was outside and music blasted through the boxes inside.

Groaning, I made my way to them to pick her up. As I got closer, I heard the things that Eren said to her.

“What the heck?! Let go of my leg!”

When I reached them, I spotted that Hanji was indeed hugging Eren’s leg, kneeling as she cried out apologies at him.

Eren threw a pleading look at me. “Help me, please.”

I complied (since there was one last reason why I still needed her right now) and grabbed one of her arms, dragging her inside. At this point I even ignored the fact that I was tugging Hanji away from him while her body swept over the floor.

“Now tell me where I can get some water.” I said in a nonchalant tone, getting inside.

 

\- - -

 

**Eren**

I watched Levi and Hanji until they were inside and faced the front again then. Scratching my head, sighing, I prayed internally that this would be the final end. No more complications, please.

But then I heard someone sigh as they sat down on the other side of the bench.

_Oh my god, what was it this time?_

A clicking sound reached my ears and when I shifted my head to the right, Erwin came to vision; having lit a cigarette and inhaling before he retreated his hand from his mouth, parting his lips to exhale the white, toxic fume. He was sitting with one leg placed over the other, an arm resting horizontal across his chest as his other arm’s elbow rested on his palm. A faint smile played around his lips.

“Ah, yes. It’s about time for me to quit smoking. Now that I have a little child at home. Marie is already reproaching me whenever she can. She wouldn't let me hold him if my clothes had even the slightest smell of smoke. Perhaps this one here is my last one.” he started, twirling the cigarette between his fingers as he regarded it, as if it was a test object. I grasped that this was his attempt to start a conversation with me. The bigger question though was whether I was willing to contribute to it.

He took out something, which revealed itself as a pack of cigarettes, and held it out to me. I steered at him from the corner of my narrowed eyes, looking away then.

“Don’t even bother asking.”

“Fine. I just wanted to be nice.”

I scoffed. At this point it wouldn't even surprise me anymore if it happened for Levi to have started smoking because of him. The main reason why I used to hold a grudge against him up until a few hours ago may have vanished, but it appeared that there was another reason sneaking up, giving me a valid explanation of why I didn't have to accept him as a friend.

“Levi started smoking years before me.” Erwin stated simply, causing me to react taken aback for a second, for he responded to something I had only been thinking of just now. I hated it when people could read my mind. I wasn't that easy to read, was I?

“S-So what? Soon he won't do that anymore. I’ll make sure of it.”

He scratched his shaved chin. “You’re sounding like my wife.”

“Well, at least your wife and I know that smoking is bad. Now don't argue with that ‘We all are going to die anyway’ shit.”

“As a renowned lawyer, I would never allow those meaningless words slip past my lips. Else I’d have to ask myself where I’d meet the expections of my fellow lawyer friends, if I ever were to not find a valid reasoning.”

Getting irritated, I regarded him suspiciously at first, my mind following only partly. “I didn't understand half of the things you said, _but_ don't think you can befriend with me like that. Stick that cigarette up your ass or elsewhere, but don’t offer me one ever again.”

Erwin huffed a little chuckle, not seeming to feel insulted or attacked at all. He took another drag, and went on. “Besides what is already obvious is there another specific reason why you dislike me?”

As a first growl trailed up my throat, I crossed my arms, my shoulders hunched. “I hate that joke between you and Hanji and Levi.”

“Trust me. No one hates it more than I do. Luckily I’m not living in Shiganshina anymore. Like that I can avoid Hanji’s mockings, I’d even forget about it most of the time. But whenever all three of us meet, she’d bug me constantly. Unbelievable and at the same time expected that she’s the only one who isn’t tired of it yet.”

Momentary quietness washed over us as a light breeze fluttered our hair in that cold last day of October. I stared forward, my fingers threaded and arm laying on my thighs. I moved my fingers, curled them, took a glance at my nails and stretched them again before they’d form back to one with my other hand. “I’ve already asked this Levi, but now I want to hear it coming out of your mouth. You better don’t hide anything and spill everything out.”

“I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to ask me, but oh well. You know how it goes. Especially in court. People answer when they were asked questions. So go ahead.”

My inner self was rolling its eyes at least five times and I felt just the same. No need to act like a philosoph, pal. “What are your feelings about Levi?” The words brushed my lips with less emotions than I had expected. Perhaps it was the exhaustion from the happenings today.

“A friend; a good friend. We know each other for more than 10 years now. Over the years we got along well and understand each other. That’s it. Listen, I’m not into males and Levi never showed interest in me either. He’s a loyal person, despite of never having been in a relationship before. He didn't sleep with anyone behind women or men he had an affair with, even if those didn't last long. I’m pretty much certain that you mean a lot to him. So if he didn't betray someone he had just fucked, he’ll _for sure_ not betray someone who is more important to him. He can stick his tongue into your ass as many times as he wants, _I don't care_.”

My body stiffened at his last statement and I looked at him in shock. “Wait, what?! How do you…? Who told you…?”

“Hm?” He side-eyed me, cigarette raised to his mouth, the tip of it gleaming. Blowing out, he casually said, “You. You told me that. Barely half an hour ago.”

My eyes widened horrifyingly. “What?! You’re lying!”

He flipped some ash off his cigarette. “No, I’m not. It really happened.”

“When exactly?!”

“When you were clinging to Levi like a monkey. Drunk, that is.”

I covered my head in my palms, shaking it. “No, no, no, no! This is the worst, how could this happen to me. How many have heard that?”

“Not so many, I think. Well, I did. And Levi. And Hanji.”

“Oh my god, no! No, please not Hanji!”

“You can’t change it anymore.”

“But dying from embarrassment is still an option.”

“Not a good one, though.”

“She’ll bring this up whenever she can, I’m sure.”

Erwin was silent for a second. “Hm, you might be right. But somehow it excites her knowing that you and Levi are a couple.”

“I don’t care. She’ll annoy me.”

“Knowing her, she wouldn’t go as low as to mention it in front of others. I can imagine her suggesting you two some exotic kinks, though. That’s more likely Hanji. “

“God, I’m so fucking done.” I dropped my head and sighed, closing my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. Then, I sat up straight, but continued looking down.

Erwin was sitting silently next to me, neither of us bothering to say more than needed. Since basically everything necessary was said, there was nothing to talk about anymore.

When I couldn’t endure the unbearable silence any longer, I just vocalized the first thought that roamed my mind. “You have a son?”

“Yes. Leo. Three months old.”

Cute. “Want to be a good father?”

“Of course.”

“Then stop smoking.” I said sternly, and deep inside me there bloomed a little feeling of spite.

“Touché.” Puffing out his last blow, Erwin squelched the cigarette butt under his black polished shoe, walking up to me after that. While I remained the same as before, he extended a hand at me. “Pleasant to have cleared out all misunderstandings between us.”

I regarded his hand first (at least it was the one that hadn't held the cigarette) and after some hesitation, I placed mine in his. He gave our hands one firm shake and released afterwards right away. “Enjoy the rest of the party. Together with Levi of course.” He stepped inside, while I was left here, not sure whether the last thing he said had some innuendos or not.

In the end, I just dismissed it.

Finally I heard someone’s voice that I would gladly hear as much as I could right now.

“What did you do?” Levi said to someone, probably to Erwin. I couldn't see him yet, but he must be close to the door that led outside to me.

“Nothing bad.”

And then I sighted him, carrying a whole water bottle and a cup.

Of course he'd take precaution. I whiffed a smile at him as I accepted the cup. “One glass of water would have been enough.”

“You can never be sure. Better this way than dying in thirst. Sorry it took longer than expected. I had to deal with Hanji for a bit.” He opened the cap of the bottle and poured me some water.

“It’s okay.”

“Seems that you had a conversation with Erwin.” It sounded more like a question than statement.

“Yeah. We’re cool now. Kind of.” I wetted my mouth with a big gulp of water. “What are we going to do next?”

“Going inside. Hanji wants to start with her shitty games.”

 

~~~

 

“I apologize for the little delay.” Hanji announced, standing on top of a little stool to tower above everyone else of the guests. “Everything is sorted out now, so… Let the games begin!” She fistbumped the air, and everyone cheered.

Now that I was inside again and looked around, I noticed that some things have changed. One could indeed spot constructions, giving off the assumption that they could be meant for some sort of games.

Not much later, the first game began.

Hanji started off with something simple—usually it would be easy. Bobbing for apples. A game where one would try catching an apple with only their mouth as the apples float in a tub of water. Hanji had altered the game a bit and made it… less enjoyable for those who were fishing out the apples. First of all, the tub contained of ice-cold water, even some ice cubes were swimming in there. The other thing only the ones trying to catch an apple would notice it because after many failed attempts they became suspicious and guessed that Hanji made this game extra hard.

“The apples are too big! How are we going to even snatch one!” someone complained, waterdrops trickling down his face and his bottom lip quivering due to the cold water it was dipped in. Another one’s head popped up from the tub, crying out how cold the water was. Neither did they manage to catch one.

“Stop complaining. You just suck at this.” Hanji said, a cocky grin plastered on her face.

Since some other guests couldn't quite believe that this game was impossible to win, they dared sticking their heads into the icy liquid as well, wanting to prove the opposite. Which they couldn't. None of them – not even a single person – seeemed to have a chance at this, which led to some of them getting too irritated, so they started cheating and grabbed an apple with their hands. Basically every other participant followed them. They looked satisfied when finally one of the apples stuck between their lips, and bit into it.

“You cheaters! I told you that you suck at this!” Hanji acted totally appalled.

“You’re one to talk! You betrayed us with this game first!”

As a result, all of them received a load of flour that Hanji threw at them. Neither of us had this expected, but flour sticking to a damp face surely was a funny thing to look at.

“Well, this was just a warm-up.” Hanji shrugged, “Let’s go over to the real games. Next one is arm-wrestling.”

Many people expressed a sound of confusion, as in asking themselves why that would be a Halloween game.

Hanji sat down on a chair by a round table, to her left and right stood each one chair; the places where the opponents would be. She grinned at us, explaining, “You all know that Jelly Bean game? One half of the jelly beans is fruit-flavoured and the other half looks the same on the outside but consists of disgusting flavours. Well, I made some of those Jelly Beans myself.” She rose her hands from under the table, carrying a bowl that was filled with those beans. But they didn't look the same as the ones one would know. “With the difference that mine are a lot bigger.” True. Hers had the size of half of a palm. “And I think the original ones are too merciful with their gross flavours. I used some flavour enhancer and I think it’s more fun eating this with stronger flavours.” She laughed once. “Of course all of these are synthetic. Now come! Who wants to arm wrestle? The loser has the privilege to eat foul eggs, foul cheese, socks, shit, sewage, sweat, diapers or piss.”

My stomach twisted at the mention of this, alone the thought of it sickened me.

“This is so disgusting.” Levi said, forehead creased to a deep frown.

“Yeah, it is.”

There was many hesitation at first, but some time later people dared this. Two people (mostly befriended with each other) would always play this game, and it was obvious that each of them did this just because they wanted their opponent to eat one of those Jelly Beans. It took some minutes before people considered themselves brave enough to do this. Half of them were granted with the joyful sight of their friend’s struggle of eating it, face distorting after just one bite. The other half however had to suffer from the disgusting taste, barely anyone of them ate the whole “sweet”.

It was needless to say that all participants had been male, but it wouldn't stay like that forever.

“Okay, next one! Who wants to do this next?” Hanji asked, looking around, the crowd surrounding her.

“I want to do this.” Everyone turned their face to the direction of the person, noticing that their voice was too high to be that one of a male.

I hadn't talked much to her today, but her face wasn't unfamiliar to be. The woman who sat down on one of the chairs was Nanaba. Some sucked in their breaths, others hissed loudly. Smirking, Nanaba gazed at Hanji first and then her eyes pointed at random people—mostly male. “No one?” she asked temptingly, “Come on. I’m not fragile.”

“W-Well then.” some random man in a Grim Reaper costume said, and approached the table. He seemed to have strong arms. The smug look he was giving her told one – without any words – that he was already counting himself as the winner. Something in Nanaba’s eyes flamed up and probably fueled her desire to wreck this man and show him that women shouldn't be looked down at.

That woman had a powerful aura handsdown.

Her arm already propped on the table, Nanaba waited for the man to join her on the opposite side, and eventually his elbow slammed down on the surface. Both wore a cocky grin, eyes focused on the other’s face in concentration. Some women shouted things like “Go, Nanaba!” and “Show that weakling how strong women can be!” and “You can do it!” at her as encouragment.

“Don’t go easy on me at all.” Nanaba told him.

“I hadn't planned to do so anyway. But don't whine afterwards.” the man cackled in amusement.

“I can only say the same back.”

“Good luck.”

“I’m serious. Use all the strength you’ve got. I won’t have mercy with you either.”

“Alright.” Clearly, that man was too self-assured of himself, and I had that vague feeling that he’d be the one to be beaten.

Hanji placed her palm on their hooked hands. “3, 2, 1… Go!” Her hand was retreated.

I didn't know how fast it happened, but my senses told me that not even a second had passed when the man’s fist got dragged down to the table by Nanaba’s arm; quick and with so much force.

The man’s eyes widened, same with his mouth, that smirk vanished from his face as the sound of his fist hitting the surface sounded off. Nanaba on the other hand looked more than pleased, gleeful, a victorious smile featuring her expression.

The male part of the crowd howled in surprise, but it turned to cheers very quickly, showing their respects to her.

Whimpering in defeat, the man viewed his hand, as though he couldn't believe what had happened just now.

Nanaba stood up and patted his shoulder. “Have a nice meal.” And then Hanji was already giving the Jelly Bean, which he ate reluctantly, face twisting with disgust.

“That’s Mike’s girl!” Erd shouted in the direction where Mike was and where Nanaba walked back to. Mike’s face didn't express much reaction, only a hand would sneak around her waist. These two belonged together, that much was for sure.

“I’m challenging Erwin.”

When I faced the front again, I saw Nile at the table, frowning at someone that couldn't be anyone else than said person. I set my eyes at Erwin too, spotting how he was standing motionless at place, his muscular arms crossed as a faint smirk tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Heh. Now this is going to be entertaining.” Levi huffed, smirking himself.

I couldn't really understand this excitement. “Don’t you think it’s going a bit too far with this? I mean, if Nile were to lose, he’d blame himself in front of so many people. Not only did he lose a woman to him, but he’d also lose to the man who is married to that woman.”

“That’s what is so exciting here. Is Nile going to get revenge or will Erwin achieve victory? Also, it’s Nile’s problem if he loses. He started with this.”

“Oh, yeah! Erwin, do it!” Hanji yelled, shrill.

Some more people had to shout encouraging cheers first before Erwin felt like he needed to do it, now that he had no other choice left. As he forwarded to the table, he unbuttoned his wristbands and rolled up his sleeves.

One couldn't understate because Nile was practically bombing Erwin with death glares as they sat down, his eyes not switching from him. Meanwhile, Hanji watched them with a big, crazy grin, liking the direction her game was heading. Gripping the bowl of Jelly Beans tightly, she asked whether they were ready.

“I am.” Erwin said.

“Bring it on.” Nile spat viciously.

The crowd was dead silent, following the game closely. I bet everyone was just as excited as Levi had expressed it just now. Who was going to come out as winner of this arm-wrestling? It seemed that I had been literally the only one who witnessed this with a strange feeling in my stomach. I felt sorry for Nile. Did he really need to seek this little victory that had no meaning besides having beaten his rival in a little fun game when the risk he took was blaming himself more?

“Ready?” Hanji’s turn as referee. “Go!”

Unlike with Nanaba and that man, this time the round didn't finish as fast. Their balled hands didn't move much from the middle, occasionally swaying to the left and to the right. The force they used was incredible, it caused their arms and hands to tremble.

Erwin and Nile bored holes into the other male’s forehead with their piercing glares, the latter filled with pure anger while Erwin was taking it more loosely, his coolness not fading.

Then, Nile’s hand managed to push Erwin’s fist to his side halfway, and a victory seemed close. Veins popped up under the skin of his arms and neck, teeth were gritted and even sweat damped his forehead.

Erwin didn't panic, didn't falter. Then his hand moved up again, dragging Nile’s hand with him. Nile’s brows furrowed deeply. It seemed as if his right hand accumulated all his strength, boiling his blood. That was why it surprised me that Erwin took the lead right then, forcing Nile’s hand down. He did it with so much ease, one could even question whether Erwin was giving his best at all. Even if his arm was shaking as well, he didn’t show as much strains as his opponent.

This made Nile angry and he started groaning as he attempted gaining back his lead. There was anger mixed with blind eagerness on his facial features, and while everyone was cheering and siding both sides equally, I had that strange feeling that I could empathize with Nile. This was his way of…

After some time of stagnation between their hands, Erwin appeared to have lost strength and his hand moved back, slowly but certainly facing the side of the table that would announce his loss. His face was telling that he tried his best working against the pressure on his palm, but I couldn’t really believe that this was happening with earnest. His head red by now, Nile used his last bit of strength and eventually pressed Erwin’s hand down onto the table.

He panted hard as the crowd applauded and howled. The most interesting in this was Erwin’s reaction to it. His smile hadn't faltered once and even now he didn't take it to heart, so it appeared to me.

Strange… So strange.

And then I concluded that Erwin had just probably had the same worries as me. That Nile wanted to prove himself that he wasn't less of a man by winning against the one who hurt his pride was something that Erwin had been aware of. However, instead of rubbing salt into his wounds, Erwin acted like a gentleman and accepted defeat. He could have won against Nile easily, but he didn't choose to do that.

“The winner is Nile Dok!” Hanji announced loudly, clapping her hands.

Erwin shrugged his shoulders. “I lost.” The fact that he was taking this too lightly made it clear that Erwin wasn't that much surprised by the outcome. Oh god, he was a really bad actor. He held an open palm to Hanji, acting calm—too calm. “I have to eat one of these now, right?”

Nile stood up, fists clenched. As Erwin was about to eat it, Nile slapped the back of Erwin’s hand harshly, the Jelly Bean falling out of his palm. Even now he didn't lose his temper, but Nile… Oh, how furious he looked. Of course he would see through Erwin’s plan.

“Why won’t you even take this seriously like a real man would do?” he reproached him, “I still don't understand what it is that a women would like about you. One can't even compete against you properly.”

Erwin stood up as well, still the same expression. “This is just a game. Real life is different. And it’s full of surprises. And beautiful. One day even you will understand it. After all you used to be so close to tasting the good things in life. Who said it won’t happen again. It was a worth play. You’ve done well.”

Nile glared at him and didn't shake the hand that was offered to him, so Erwin just patted his shoulder once and ended this round like that.

“Tch. Erwin, that little shit.” was Levi’s remark to this.

“I think this was his way of being nice.” I told him, being certain of my assumption.

“This? Tch, and here I thought I was the worst at being nice. He could have wrecked Nile in an ease.”

“It’s okay, Levi.” I stroked his arm.

Did all men have that need to show others how much power they had?

“One last bean is left! Come on! Who wants to do the last round?” Hanji cupped her hand to a megaphone and put it over her mouth as she held up the last gross Jelly Bean. “It’s the showdown!”

No one volunteered, murmuring.

Suddenly Oluou shouted, “I think Levi and Mike make a very good showdown.”

Levi gave him a frown in annoyance. Everyone agreed with Oluou and not much later they were calling out Levi's and Mike’s name, Hanji included.

“Why don’t you want to do it?” I asked, wondering, but couldn't find a good explanation. It couldn't be that Mike was physically stronger than Levi, could it?

“Not interested.” Levi stated simply, arms crossed as his brows twitched in irritation. The crowd got louder.

I looked over to Mike who wasn't showing much reaction, glancing at us once. People around him were trying to convince him to do it, patting his arms, shoulder or back. It took some efforts, but in the end Mike decided to really do this.

My eyes waved to Levi again and I gave him a questioning look. He replied with a scowl. “It’s just so bothersome. I don’t have to do this. You should be glad that I’m not forcing someone to eat this crap that Hanji made. Mike should know better than that. He should choose another opponent.”

“Could it be that you are afraid of losing to him? Maybe you already know that you’re weaker than him, but don't want to show it.” I tried and earned a glare from him in less than a second.

“ _I_ am stronger than him.” he growled, voice dipped with venom.

Now that Mike had already reached his place, he faced Levi as he flexed his biceps, his other hand resting on his upper arm. It was rare of him to talk, but he did it now and the words that left his mouth were worth a thousand conversations. A few words and yet they did things to Levi that no one else would even dare—hell, not even dream of! “It’s okay if you don’t want to, Levi. After all both of us know that you and your slim arms can't stand a chance against me.”

Provocation. This was purposed solely for provocation. And taking a side glance at Levi, I figured out right away that Mike’s plan worked. Oh how well it did work.

There was a fierce and passionate thirst for revenge burning in his eyes and the glaring look he gave Mike was enough to tell him that what he said just now was a mistake.

“Eren.”

“Yes?”

“Hold my headband.”

Clumsily, I caught the vampire wings shaped headband he threw at me as he stomped to the table where Mike was already sitting at.

“I’ve got your headband. Go and crush him, babe!” I yelled at him cheerfully, starting to like the way this game developed.

If glares could kill Mike would have died from Levi’s scowls a thousand times. They smirked at each other, confident about winning at this arm wrestling. Literally everyone present barked euphorically, hyped and excited about the outcome of this showdown. The tension rose as time passed and Levi and Mike didn't make it any better with how much time they took for their preparations. Folding their sleeves up to their elbows, shaking their hands and fingers as warm-up, exchanging tempting glares.

Finally their palms hit into each other, fingers gripping the other male’s hand firmly. A solid hold was established and both of them seemed ready.

“Uh… Don’t you wanna place your elbows on the table?” Hanji asked, her eyes lowered, noticing that Mike and Levi’s elbows were indeed not meeting with the table surface. Technically it was against the rules.

“We’re fine like that.” they replied in unison, and swithed their gazes to their opponents again, smiling maliciously.

Just looking at them alarmed one—the tension that build up around them was practically tangible and tingled in the air. One could even imagine electrifying lightning shooting out of their eyes and since they were at eye level, those little lightnings would collide and burst.

Hanji started the countdown. “3, 2, 1… Go!”

It was with slow motion that I watched their arms falling down to the table to give each of them the solid hold they needed to win this wrestling. During that time, their grip didn't change much, staying in the middle.

I widened my eyes and took a step back when the table broke and splittered into many pieces immediately after Mike and Levi rested their elbows on it, full force.

They didn't even do much and yet the power they had used for this little move had been enough to tear a table apart.

Everyone else reacted the same, taken aback and overthrown, big eyes staring at those two men in the middle who both let go of each other now, looking down at the mess by their feet that they had made.

A couple of seconds were spent in silence before Mike spoke up first. “Look what you’ve done.”

“This is your fault!” Levi snapped.

Hanji, who had been sitting at the table with them, had been affected by this surprise attack the most. “T-Tie…” she stammered out, breathless, “It’s a tie!”

They got up and left the place as it was, as if they didn't have to do anything with this.

“I told you to crush Mike and not the table.” I said to Levi as I put his headband back on his head.

“How should I have known that this would happen?!” he defended himself, shrugging and scoffing.

The atmosphere finally hung light in the air, and people began chattering again.

“Nawww. What am I going to do with this one now?” Hanji sulked as she regarded the last Jelly Bean in her palm. No one seemed to give a shit about that. “Oh, I know. I’ll just use it for my next game.” She headed for something to her left and now that I noticed it fully, I realized that there had been a big kettle in his room for a while now. She moved over to this kettle until standing next to it and dropped the bean into it.

I got closer to it to find out what the content of the kettle was. The second the Jelly Bean dived into the liquid, a little cloud of semi-transparent smoke ascended. Furrowing my eyes, I examined the kettle more closely.

It had a red colour and bubbled here and there, big bubbles bursting as steam would get released at some spots.

“What is this?” I asked, nauseated.

It was scary how Hanji was looking down at this, a creepy smile decorating her face. Right now it'd have been more suitable if she had been wearing a witch costume. She changed back to a rather innocent expression. “This is the kettle of horror and death.” The casual tone in her voice gave me concerns.

“I need more explanation. What is this game about?” I went on, still not very fond of all this here.

“It’s very easy actually.” She searched in her pockets for something, took it out, presented it with an opened hand and made a full turn with her body once to allow everyone a glance at that thing in her hand, which had the shape of a big egg. “Somewhere inside this pot is this egg here hidden. It’s a plastic egg that one can unscrew. The prize is inside it. One has to dunk their hand in this red liquor and find the egg. But cautious…” She rose a finger to her nose. “There is a reason why this is called the kettle of horror and death. You may never know what surprise will await you inside this kettle. Maybe your hand or arm will get stuck between something. It gets scratched. Bitten. Bloody. Your hand will be ripped off your arm!”

“Hanji.” Günther warned.

“Okay, the last one is a lie. But anyway…” She looks everyone deeply in the eyes, orbs shining with anticipation. Again the seriousness vanished and she smiled at us. “Have fun.”

“What is the prize?” someone asked.

Hanji waved a hand to the tank. “Find out yourself. By the way, the mixture is not corrosive. You can put your arm in without any worries.” Her hand stirred the red mud lazily. “Oh, I forgot to say that one loses as soon as they takes their arm out of the kettle before the egg has been found.”

“Hah, this sounds easy.” Petra placed her hands on her hips, shrugging and offered herself as first candidate.

She stepped up to the thigh high kettle, stared down at it first and slowly dug an arm in. Petra had her brows curled in puzzlement, cautiously probing through the broth. She startled once, but that was all.

“Hm, that’s not really difficult. Just a bit — Oh my god, wah! Ew!” Petra retreated her hand from the red pool abruptly, screeching as she walked away from the kettle. Her cry had come out of her mouth so suddenly other females in the crowd shrieked along with her. “Oh my god! Something moved very quickly inside there! What was that?!” She put her head into Oluou’s crook of neck, red drops dripping down from one of her arms.

Hanji laughed. “Dunno. It must certainly have been one of the things I added to my delicious red soup.”

“Oh, c’mon.” another woman said, reaching for the big round pot. Her appearance and behaviour gave off a very self-confident and mature attitude. Also, she wore a Viking costume and had more muscular arms than many women had. Since she was rather tall, she knelt down and stuck her hand into the content of the kettle. Her face was calm, tightened after a while, and she seemed to have little panic attacks, her arm stocking here and then and – if I didn't see it wrong – she even shuddered.

“What are you feeling? What is inside?” some random man asked her.

“I can’t really tell. It’s gross, though. So many different things are brushing your arm and each of them feels appalling—… Wait…” Her arm halted for real now and her eyes widened slightly. “What the heck, my hand got stuck.” She tried pulling it out, but to no avail.

“Just pull it out forcefully.” someone adviced.

“I can’t! What do you think am I doing right now?!” Her head directed at the person who was talking to him, she shot it back fast to the front again as horror covered her facial expression. “What the fuck, something is moving there! Oh my god, this is so disgusting!” The woman was horrified as fuck, using all her strength to get her arm out of the red liquid.

“This is so funny to watch.” Hanji chuckled, hopping in place as she witnessed everything with excitement.

Someone came and helped her as she started to shout all kinds of vulgar words, losing her shit. “This is so fucking gross!! Get my arm out of this! Hurry! Hell, I don't want to get touched by anything inside there! What kind of bastard shits were put into this?! Hanji, you are the worst!”

“But it’s Halloween!! Let me have some fun! Are you scared of this? Is it disgusting? Say, is something licking your skin, hmmm?”

Finally she got her arm out of whatever she’d been stuck in and right away that woman distanced herself from the kettle, panting hard, shock written all over her face.

The man who helped her out just now, rested a hand on her shoulder. “Let _me_ do it.”

In other words, let a _man_ do it.

With him, it was basically the same—his reaction really similar to the other ones.

And since people couldn't figure out a plausible reason as to why it was sheer impossible to take a little egg out of a filled tank, more and more people got intrigued and chose to give it a shot as well. Some approached this task with the thought that their predecessor were just exaggerating, but had to witness with their own eyes and feel with their own bodies that no one had exaggerated at all. Mostly men volunteered in this game and it was unbelievably hilarious how even the male part drew back from this after only a short time; some even screeching high-pitched yells. It didn't make any sense retreating one’s own hand that fast and thus losing. Like that, it was understandable why no one could fish the prize.

Half an hour passed and no winner had been decided yet. Red liquid laying around the kettle in the middle had the scenery evolved to a mess. If one didn't know it any better, they would think a mass murder had occured here.

“I don’t understand. This can’t be _that_ difficult.” I said, being like the 100th person who had said this today. Yes, I wanted to try it as well.

“Oh my god, Eren, please. Not you too.” Levi groaned, facepalming.

I shrugged at him. “Someone has to win this. We can’t leave it as it is right now.”

“Yes, you’re right.” Hanji spoke to us enthusiastically. She curled her finger, beckoning me to approach. “Come hither, come hither, darling.”

For once I did as she asked of me, nearing myself to the kettle.

“You are really going to do this?”

I looked back. The grimace on Levi’s face didn't need any more explanation. It was literally screaming _‘Stick your hand into that filthy thing and you can fucking stay away from me and our apartment.’_

Giving him an insecure smile, I said to him, “I can wash it off afterwards.”

_‘No touching for the next few days. Weeks!’_

Don’t exaggerate, Levi.

As I sucked in my breath, my gaze wandered down to the red pulp. It didn't look really threatening from the outside, but to be honest I was glad that my eyes didn't have to be confronted with the things that were inside. As long as I had no image of what I was strobing, it should be totally fine.

That was why I needed to know why the other people had been so utterly grossed out by this up until now that they’d give out loud exclaims.

It shouldn't be that awful…

After dipping my hand into the inner of the bowl, the first thought my mind processed was the luke warm temperature of that liquid surrounding my hand. Nothing felt unusal yet. I went deeper inside, past my elbows and then it happened.

Something fibrous roamed my fingers.

Goosebumps crawled up my body, making me shudder. But it was endurable. Not enough to scare me.

So I continued.

Slowly and cautiously I wriggled my hand downwards, until my fingercups came to touch with something soft. It didn’t feel like the bottom of the kettle; for that it wasn't solid and hard enough. Most likely something that lay on the ground and was meant to be one of the appalling things Hanji mentioned. But not for me, luckily. Moving my hand aside, I began searching for something that would identify as an egg-shaped plastic form under my fingers. Another wave of goosebumps covered my skin when my hand met with something indefinable and of firm consistency. I didn't know why, but it reminded me of dry vomit.

To endure this, I bit down on my lips and looked to the side, though the steam and red bubbles that caught my sight from the corner of my eyes reminded me constantly what I was even doing right now.

“Wow, Eren, you last long in there.” Hanji pointed out, the whole time standing close to me, a first row audience.

Going on, I dug my hand farther and changed direction and this time another thing felt weird against my skin, raw, and— “Urgh!” My arm moved up a bit instinctively, and Hanji jumped as well, though she only did that because she thought that I would lose this game right at that moment.

Which I didn't. My arm was still inside the kettle, reaching up to my elbows, so I didn't break the one and only rule this game here had.

“Interesting.” she commented, her eyes glistening behind her glasses. “The youngest of us all here, but with the highest revulsion tolerance.”

So close. I had been so close to tearing my hand away from whatever was buried deep inside there. But the little control over my impulses that was left inside me managed to let me keep going, despite of the fact that my senses – especially my sense of touch – felt abused right now. The reason why I had reacted like this was that something slippery had been passing next to my forearm, as though it had been… “Moving.” I completed my thought out loud. “There’s something moving inside! And it feels so slick and everything else feels just so…”

“I told it! There really is a moving thing inside!” Petra called out, making sounds of disgust.

“Wanna give up?” Hanji asked tentatively.

“Never.”

Courage spreading through my body, I swallowed down all of my restraints and pushed through it. My plan was to revolve around the kettle once as I’d search for that damn little thing. But soon I’d find out that it revealed as a far more difficult task than I had thought. My hand and arm got literally attacked. Poked. Nestled into fabrics. Skin scratched.

The worst was how not once could my hand or arm get used to any of the things I had to touch. Everytime there would be yet another trigger to gross me out and tempt me to just raise my arm and free myself from this shovel work.

Even my hand had almost stuck somewhere, making it impossible for me to motion, which resulted from shoving too many things to one side and get oneself trapped in between them somehow. But I could prevent it fast enough and found myself at my original position again. Everyone had been watching me attentively, seeing me struggle through this mess.

The worst, though, was the fact that despite of my tactic I hadn't been able to find the egg.

“Nothing.” I whispered.

“That’s enough, Eren.” Levi told me, his voice sounding from behind me.

I raised my head at Hanji, looking madly disappointed. “There’s no egg!”

“Of course there is one!”

“But I couldn't find it! I searched everywhere!”

“Then search again!”

“What the f…”

“God, Eren. Who cares about that now?” This time Levi’s voice came from right next to me.

“I care!”

“Look at yourself. You’ve got that red shit all over your face.”

Huffing heavily through my nose, I decided to do my search again and began walking around the kettle for a second time – now anticlockwise –, eager to find that little piece. I made sure to not miss any spot, weaved my arms more aggressively through the liquid content, some drops splashing onto my face and clothes and my other hand. No way… No way did I want to accept this if it didn't mean for me to find the damn prize. Why else did I work my ass off and endured these disgusting feelings of undescribable things eliciting gross images in my mind.

By the time I reached my starting position again, I was breathing loudly, done. “I don’t understand… Where is that damn egg?!” I had my other arm raised, ready to push it into the kettle as well and pull everything out, just so that I could win this silly game. Perhaps spilling the content of the kettle by toppling it over was the better option.

Filled with anger, I was about to follow my new plan, but Levi intervened. “No. Not the other arm as well. That’s enough. Stand up.”

“Don’t touch me!” I whined, attempting to wiggle out of his grasp. “Hanji, there is no egg in there! You were lying!”

“Of course there is!” she yelled back, with confidence and certainty in her voice. “I know it! After all I…” She paused. This couldn't mean anything good. “Ohhhhhh! How could I forget?!” Hanji grabbed into her pocket again took out the egg from before. “The egg I showed you before as I explained the rules… This egg here is the prize. How dumb of me. I forgot to put it in. I’m sorry, Eren.” Her hand hovered over the kettle and she dropped the egg, letting it fall into the liquid. I watchted it fall—in slow motion. My eyes wide and fixated on that little thing that had now penetrated the liquid surface and plumped inside, creating drops to splatter.

Every guest here was silenced, feeling dumbfounded; just like me.

“Whaaaaaaaat?!” they roared in unison; anger and madness trailing in their voices.

“Hanji, what the fuck?!” Oluou spat.

She just laughed to it, uttering a simple “Oops.”

That damn…

I shot death glares at her as I rose from my kneeling position slowly, growling in wrath. Levi was holding my collar from behind. “You sly snake…” I pushed out through gritted teeth, close to having little to no control over my sanity.

She cocked her head, acting innocent. “Hm? I’m not a snake. This is how a snake looks like.” She dug one hand into the content of the bowl, going deep down, and to vision came a long, tubular thing that was covered in red. “This is what a snake looks like.” Laughing again, she held the snake in her arms.

Not having expected this at all, I took a step back and the other people seemed to be alarmed as well.

“Geez, can’t she be normal for once?” Levi sighed behind me.

“There was a real snake in there?!” someone from far back shouted.

“Oh my god, that moving thing I felt was a snake?!” Petra sounded the most horrified.

Hanji wasn't affected by the people's outbursts, petting that reptile instead as she cooed sweet words at them. The snaked raked their tail around Hanji’s arm and for once second I believed that it was about to squeeze her to death and devour her.

“Hey, Hanji! Do you even know what you did there?! That’s insane! What if it bit us?”

“Shut up! Flake is nicer than you’ve ever been in your whole life! He doesn't bite anyone!” She raised “Flake” higher, displaying him.

This was so fucked up… _Hanji was fucked up._

It was now that I grasped fully why she had chosen the science faculty department of Shiganshina University as setting for her party.

I felt a tug at my collar, realizing that Levi was dragging me away. “Enough. Go wash yourself.”

Speechless and motionless, I let myself get shoved out, my legs being the only part of my body that did their job.

“Come back later! The last game is going to start soon!” Hanji shouted at us, waving.

I hadn't overcome the fact yet that she had tricked me like this, and my craving for revenge was higher than it had ever been.

Some time later Levi and I got back, the red colour couldn't get rid off my skin in a hurry and a matter of a few minutes, so I had to bear with the fact that my arm and hand looked redder than usual. Also, I noticed that Levi made sure to keep a distance between us that was defined as three arm’s lengths at the least. He had been helping me with washing, but at some point he had just given it up and called it a ‘fucking filthy mess’. I had tried to kiss his scowl and bad mood away, but he didn't even let my face get near him. And when I thought that I had made him seriously mad with my prior act when playing Hanji’s dumb game, I got surprised by a little peck he gifted me with – though that was the most I received from him – and he told me that he'd forgive me once I’ve showered at home.

Now we were back in the hall, the distance between us didn't disturb me much because I knew that Levi wasn't angry with me. Thinking twice of it and looking down at myself, I did look awful. And the red colour that stuck on me smelled like chemicals, who would like to smell like that?

“Okay. So Flake is at a safe place now. It’s time for the last game for today.” Hanji was in front of us all and behind her I spotted something that hadn’t been there before. “Who of you wants to see their host in slime~?” She extended her arms.

The whole crowd began to cheer and approve of her suggestion.

Instead of feeling attacked (why should she when she asked this question herself?), Hanji waited for the crowd to calm down and let out a carefree laughter then. “You fools! It won’t be as easy as that.” Her voice was clad with a snarky tone.

“Get to the point.” a male voice urged.

Hanji did so by going behind and positioning herself in front of a little… pool?

“Okay, okay. I’ll explain this quickly. Actually there’s not much to explain, ha. You see this? This is a little pool.” She hit the wall with her palm as she talked further, “But instead of water it’s filled with… “ She dipped a hand in and when she lifted it up again a green, sticky jelly clung onto her skin. “Slime! It’s a pool of slime!”

Half of the people were disgusted with this, the other half seemed interested in it. I belonged to neither.

“And as you can see there’s also this thing here.” Making a few steps to the right, she reached a big round slice that looked like a XXL-version of a dartboard. “This baby here is connected to the plank that is hovering over the pool.” There was indeed a some sort of plank hovering over the pool. “I’ll sit there in a minute and you have the task to hit the bull’s eye here.” Hanji pointed at it, a black circle in the middle of the board. “But not once. If you hit it thrice, the plank will discard I’ll be dragged along into the slime. _But_ I’ll only give three people a chance to try their luck. When throwing the balls, all of them have to stay behind that white line I drew there. Oh, and you are equipped with no more than three balls.”

Sometimes Hanji had a thickheaded attitude, other times she was smart. Not only that we had to throw at the dartbaord from a big distance, one also had to hit the bull’s eye three times in a row and we didn't have more than _three balls_ available.

Surely, she didn't want to be covered in slime.

“Are you serious?! That white line is so far away from the board.” Oluou nagged.

Hanji faked a pout. “Naw, don’t you believe in yourself? Poor Oluou.”

Oluou glowered at her. “Just you wait… Where are the balls?!”

“Well then!” Hanji hopped into place, sitting cross-legged on the round end of the plank. One push and she’d be painted in sticky green in an instant.

Oluou started throwing and missed the first one. Basically it was already over now. Although Oluou was aware of that as well, he threw the other two balls nevertheless, angrily, not hitting the bull’s eye once. He had to accept defeat as Hanji stuck her tongue out at him. Sulking, he stepped away from the white line, and now another one had the opportunity to try their luck.

“I want to be next!” I exclaimed, raising an arm.

This was my chance. My chance to get revenge.

“Great.” Hanji rubbed her hands, her eyes shining the same way as minutes before. Just you wait, shitty glasses. “Do your best, Eren.” She grinned widely.

Already fueled with spite, I grabbed the three balls and positioned myself behind the white line. One glance at Levi and I saw him standing there at his usual place, arms crossed as his eyes peered back at me. He smirked lightly, probably amused of how much I wanted to see Hanji in that humiliating state of being covered in green slime.

The distance wasn't that wide. One could hit the spot. I placed my hand holding the ball behind my head...

_I will destroy you, Hanji._

… and threw it.

Missing the bull’s eye.

What?

“What?!” I screamed as I threw the other two as well, this time missing the dartboard. “No!” My hands fisted into my hair and I shook my head heavily, not understanding how I could fail my throws this miserably.

Hanji bit into the back of her hand, stifling a laughter. _You damn…_

“Someone get her into that slime!” I shouted towards the mob of people, and not much later a man, dressed as a contaminated football player, volunteered.

“Let me do this. I used to play baseball back in highschool.”

A spark of hope blossomed inside my chest as a smile appeared on my face and I nodded, entrusting him the three balls.

I watched him as he threw, overwhelmed when the first ball landed on the bull’s eye.

_Yes._

And the second one.

_Oh damn, yes._

Even Hanji was stunned by this, forming an ‘O’ with her mouth. Nevertheless, she stayed cool.

Her eyes darted at the thrower as a smirk crept up. “What are you waiting for? But don’t fuck it up. Look how many are watching and putting their faith in you. It would be a shame if you missed now. After all, you’re the third and last person.”

_Don’t make him insecure!_

The man hesitated with his third throw, but tried not to be affected by her words. Yet I could make out the nervousness in his expression.

“Don’t worry. You can do this. You were a baseball player after all.” I said in a soft voice, hoping that my encouraging words would have an effect on him.

“I-I won’t fail.” he muttered, and prepared himself for his last throw.

My heart thumped loudly as seconds passed, giving all my hope into his skills.

The ball flew.

And missed the bull’s eye.

“No!” Most of us groaned, disappointed.

“I’m sorry.” he told me, looking the most upset.

“I-It’s half as bad as it seems.” Saying this out loud was harder than I thought. “Not your fault.” I sent Hanji a glare. “It’s Hanji’s fault!”

Levi joined us. “It was so close.”

I nodded.

“Ah, well,” Hanji sighed loudly, “you all look so sad. You know what? I’ll give you two more chances, but—”

“I’ll do this!” These words left my lips before my mind could follow completely and I was already grabbing the three balls fast, body and mind led by my fury.

“Eren, wait. Don’t throw them aimlessly. Concentrate.” I could hear Levi saying, but I didn't listen to his words. Or should I rather say it was already too late?

Even Hanji seemed to have something against my doing. “Wait! The white line is behind you, Eren!”

I didn't care. I didn't care at all!

The three balls were thrown one after another quickly and rather than aiming I threw them randomly.

_Fall, Hanji, fall._

If I hadn't let myself get led by my impulsive emotions… maybe then I wouldn't have thrown each of the balls inches over the board.

“Damn it!”

Cupping my face with my palms, I released crying sounds into them, internally facepalming myself for having been too irritable.

“I would comfort you now,” Levi said next to me. Though, he didn't rub my back nor did he calm me down in any other way. “But don’t you think it would be too awkward, if I did that now? I mean… It’s just a game.”

“You don’t understand.” I tilted my head back, drawing out the last word. “Hanji deserves this. She deserves this so much. Why isn’t luck on my side today?”

“Well… Most games are based on luck.”

“Levi, this is not the right time coming up with logic explanations.”

“Then stop whining.”

“I won’t.”

“Stop being stubborn.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Stop being so cute when you’re stubborn.”

“No—… Oh my, you’re making me blus— This trick won’t work on me!”

I turned my face away from him, crossing my arms and tried being mad at him. But I couldn't do so for long. When I peeked back, I noticed that Levi hadn't taken his eyes off me, waiting for me to face him again, smiling ever so lightly.

“Can I have a kiss?”

“No. You’re not clean.”

“Naw.”

Hanji clapped her hands, turning everyone’s attention to her. Right now her eyes were directed at me in particular, that spark in her eyes was back—but this time it had something villainous in it. So utterly villainous. “My, my. You stepped over the white line noticibly – like, it was at least half of the original distance – and you still fucked up. All respect, sweetie.”

My anger came back, boiling under my head.

“I had some more things to add, _but Eren didn't even let me finish!_ So I’ll do that now. Yes, I give you two more chances. One of them is already used. Next thing I had in mind was to not allow the same people from before to throw a second time, but again Eren ruined my plan! Ha, in the end it doesn't matter that he got the chance to throw twice. I was more worried about the third person who wasn't quite bad at this. Now, let’s see who’s going to be the last one. Oh! Did I already tell you what will happen, if no one manages to throw me into the slime? I think I haven't yet. I’ll say it now: Someone else that I’m going to choose will receive the slime.”

The cocky grin she wore as she pointed at me from her place caused my heart to skip a beat and part my eyes wider. I took a step back as I looked around me, but it was obvious that her pointing finger was aiming at me. Breath quickening, I shook my head in disbelief as Levi spit out a “Tch.”

Hanji’s voice was full of sadistic amusement as she continued poking her finger out at me. “The one I choose will be bathed in slime in my stead.”

“That bitch…” I muttered, angry and annoyed. So this had been her plan all along, huh? She knew that no one would be able to win this and therefore all she had in mind was to mock me. “S-She won’t do this. Ha! She can’t even carry me to that pool. No way is this going to happen to me.”

“Do you really think this is an issue?” Oluou scoffed at me. “Don’t worry. Mike will help her.”

My heart stopped again at that realization and my lungs had my breath captivated for the moment as I switched my gaze to Mike cautiously.

He sniffed once, looking at me after that. And then he smirked.

Mike. The man with the biggest muscles here. For someone like him it was no problem to carry someone like me who still was suffering from slight underweight.

“I don’t want this!” _What should I do now?!_ “Levi—”

“Give me a ball!” His voice raised, he ordered someone to get him the balls. The face I looked at was for sure the angriest one I got to see today.

_‘You are my rescue.’_

But now he also had to win this.

“Wow, so you’re going to be the last one, huh?” Hanji rested her chin on her threaded fingers; satisfied.

Levi didn’t make a comment to this, but took one of the balls that were offered to him. “I need just one.” was all he said to this, his words puzzling me. Just one? How did he want to do it with only one?

Taking his position behind the line, he scowled at Hanji threatingly, dangerous and revengeful grey glooming in his eyes. Hanji watched him with a smile, unaffected. Levi threw the ball up in the air, doing so repeatingly, everytime his hand would catch the ball and throw it up again.

And suddenly Hanji’s grin froze—as though she’d finally grasped something that only she could understand. “Wait… No, no, no, no! Wait, Levi! Don’t play unfair—!”

The ball Levi threw hit Hanji’s chest, pushing her backwards and off the plank, her body falling into the pool. A loud splashing sound rose in the hall, some green slime spilling over the edge.

“This is how you do it.” Levi said casually.

Oh my god…

“You are the best!” I shouted and hugged him.

The crowd cheered and howled as they celebrated Levi’s win.

It took her some seconds to get up, but Hanji’s silhouette, which was covered by a green sticky slime now, appeared, standing upright inside the pool as her arms spread. She laughed crazily, taking this more lightheartedly than I had wished for (why would she never get pissed off of something??). “Who wants to get hugged by meeeee?” She climbed down the pool and after enabling herself to see anything at all by taking off her glasses, she did really chase people to give them a hug; just so they would get a taste of the slime. Of course, most of them ran away from her, but Hanji was fucking persistent. If she wanted something, she’d fucking get it.

Our friends group gathered around Levi and I, and some praised Levi’s doing by giving his back a light smack.

All of a sudden, hands clapping were heard behind us.

“I had expected nothing less from my little brother.”

A soft male voice that sounded familiar to me spoke. It took me a second or two to figure out who this voice belonged to because I was sure that I hadn't heard it too often yet.

Wait, did he just say ‘brother’? Then it could only be...

Turning around, I realized that I had guessed it right.

It was Farlan together with Isabel approaching us.

“Heyya!” Isabel waved at us, smiling big.

Petra made a wondering sound. “You two came. How long have you been here already?”

Farlan and Isabel exchanged glances, smirking amused. “Long enough to get entertained by Hanji’s games.” Thumb up, Farlan gave us a fleek smile in a way that could pass as a million dollar smile.

“We were in the background and watched everything. It was so funny!” Isabel’s eyes glistened in excitement and I bet she would have really liked to play these games, too.

“By the way, your costumes are so great.” Petra pointed out, gawking at them in amazement. “What are you actually dressed as?”

Indeed, viewing their costumes didn't reveal who or what they were going as. Nevertheless, their costumes looked really extraodinary. Isabel wore everything in shades of red and brown; camouflage pants, belt decorated with munitions, a dagger and little round bullets that looked like bombs. All fake of course. In addition to that, her upper body was clad with a ripped shirt and sleeveless vest that both reached only to her navel. On top of everything a cape attached with a hood fell down her shoulders and covered the back of her body. The biggest and most epic accessoires of her whole outfit was by far that big, long sword she carried with her.

Farlan stood out with the style of his hair and the way he did his make-up. His locks were dyed platinum and looked messier than usual and his eyes… Damn, it gave off completely different and most importantly striking vibes looking into white orbs. The contacts he wore were white and semi-transparent, changing the colour of his iris to white-grey. Also, his skin had a paler tone and there was a big – surprisingly not so ugly – scar drawn onto his face, going from over his brows down to his cheek.

The clothes he wore had a light grey colour mixed with a bit of white. I couldn't quite tell what exactly made me think of it, but with that tight top and his grey coat that went down to his knees and his ripped pants Farlan looked like an assassinator in disguise who would do everything to fulfill his duty. And for some reason I guessed that he would use his charm

on both men and women shamelessly to get what he wanted or needed to do.

I could be wrong, but this was what I was thinking right now with him in front of me.

A murderous seducer, as it were.

“Isabel came up with these.” Farlan pointed at his and her outfits. “As an art student she has much creativity so instead of choosing typical and boring Halloween costumes we agreed on wearing special, _more original_ , stuff. I altered mine a bit. Isabel’s original idea for my costume was not… elegant enough.”

“This is Halloween. Literally no one looks elegant in their outfit. Well no one except Levi. Big bro, you look great in your vamp costume! Handsome and neat as ever!” Isabel approached him, eyes gawking at his vampire wings on top of his head.

“Thanks.” Levi didn't bother shoving Isabel off, it wouldn't work anyway.

“Say, say, big bro. How do I look like? We are going to use this style for two character designs of Farlan’s video games that he is going to develop soon.”

“I never said that.” Farlan intervened.

“But I did!”

“You look… fine. I would prefer it for you to cover your belly, but other than that you did well with the design.”

Isabel hugged him tightly, and Levi squirmed a bit, but let the hug happen to him.

Honestly, I felt slightly uncomfortable with all this. Now that they were here I couldn't do else than to remember the last time we saw each other. That was on their birthday party. After everything that happened there, I shouldn't pretend as though nothing had happened at all, right? Especially Farlan. I didn’t even know whether I should like or dislike him, since back then he hadn't let me go—

A hand grabbed my shoulder and I winced in surprise as my body got turned around and all of a sudden Farlan's face moved close to mine, his lips next to my ears, almost brushing it. Breath hitting my neck, I could practically hear him smirk. “Stop frowning like that. That’s _so_ unsexy, you know.”

Irritated and flabbergasted, I stood in place, silent and motionless, no words wanting to rise my throat and leave my lips. I didn't even know what to say to this here.

“Step back right away or else I’ll kick your ass and send you flying to the other side of the world.” Levi grunted, voice so snappish and crude.

When Farlan did as ordered by Levi, he raised his arm in defense, that little grin still ghosting over his lips. “Fine. No need to overreact. I just talked with Eren a bit. Am I not allowed to?”

“You have literally no reason to do that by whispering something into his ear.” Levi objected, the way he glowered at Farlan looked dangerous and predatory.

“Are you jealous?” Farlan spoke out the question that arose in my mind simultaneously.

“What if?” He was by my side now, curling an arm around my waist. “Back the fuck off, _big brother_. Eren is mine.”

“Oh, is that so? Last time Eren didn't want to see you at all.”

“”Last time” was in the past. Who cares about that now?”

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Farlan’s eyes darted at me. “I’m glad Levi has finally found someone he can be in a relationship with. Take good care of my little brother, okay?”

“Y-Yes.” I stuttered, a bit of confusion left in my mind.

“Well then.” He walked away, but not before patting our shoulders.

Levi just let out a “Tch.”, and scooted me closer to him. “Is he your type?”

“No!” I held his face between my hands, forcing him with that to look into my eyes. I could tell that he was sincerely jealous. “Do you really think that after everything that happened between us I’d fall for some like him? Levi, there is no other person in this world, no, _in the whole universe_ that I love more than you. In fact, I love only you.” I looked at him with eyes expressing as much fondness as I could, my thumbs stroking his cheek tenderly.

“You mean nothing can tear us apart anymore?”

I nodded. “Nothing and no one.”

“Sounds good.” We stayed like that for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes smitten.

“In case you wanna know, Farlan just whispered to me that I look unsexy when I’m frowning.“

“He’s lying. You always look sexy.” Levi said promptly.

I giggled to this. “Thanks. After all I have to keep up with my boyfriend who as well is sexy as fuck.”

Levi had his eyes averted as he contemplated about the answer. “Should I agree to this like a narcissistic asshole or deny it modestly?”

“I’m just saying the truth.” I pressed a kiss on his lips. “How about going home now?”

“Oka—”

“Hey, guys!” It was Oluou’s voice yelling. We and the others moved our heads to the direction his voice had come from, spotting him on the plank right above the pool, posing ridiculously. He winked at us but no one in particular. Was he really trying to act like a model? “How do I look?”

“You look ridiculous.” Erd said, scoffing.

All of us took the opportunity now and regarded the slime in that pool from a short distance, while Oluou made it himself comfortable on that plank.

“This looks so sticky. I’m feeling pity for Hanji.”

“I think she looks great covered in that green shit.” Levi said nonchalantly.

“Of course you would say that.”

“Get out of my way!” Suddenly Hanji pushed some away from the edge of the pool in order to get as close to it herself. Up until now she had been gone chasing after random people to give them slimy hugs, laughing like crazy all the while. Her hands dug into that green slime, shoveled a generous portion. She rubbed it all over her body several times, until she was fully coated with it again. All we did was stare at her in silence. “This is so much fun! You all have to do that too!” she yelled happily. And then she was already going away; choosing her next prays. “I’m coming! With more slime!”

Everyone speechless at first, it was Levi who regained his voice first. “What was that again about you pitying her, Petra?” The sarcasm was hard not to notice.

“Nevermind.” came Petra’s answer.

“She isn’t drunk, is she?” Farlan questioned, one brow raised.

“Mike and I spent most of the time with her today,” Nanaba retorted, sighing, “We didn't see her drink anything at all. Not even once.”

If this was Hanji in a sober state, then… alright. From now on, one of my lifetime goals would be to never ever have to deal with a drunk Hanji.

Eventually just shrugging this off, I gave the pool one last glance – happy that I hadn't had to be forced into it –, then my gaze wandered over to Oluou who still hadn’t moved from his place on the plank yet, and lastly to the big dartboard on the right.

It was with indifference that I let my eyes wander over these things, but as I thought more about it, one realization hit me hard.

Since Hanji didn't fall into that pool as required, the mechanism connected to the plank here should still work, right? So if someone where to… Oh, I see… That was interesting. And more than convenient right now.

“One.” I said, having hit the bull’s eye once. And then a second hit came. “Two.” I moved my face over to where Oluou was, a smirk curving up as I looked at him mischievously. If I hit the bull’s eye thrice now, Oluou would…

He seemed to understand now as well, and from one second to the other his eyes widened and panic was written on his face. “Don’t you dare!”

I still gave him the same expression, not making my third hit yet to raise the tension.

The other began to grasp it too. “Please don't do it, Eren.” Petra begged nicely. As his financée, she was the only one who didn't want this, all the other ones didn't complain.

“Hm, if I recall it correctly, a certain someone named Oluou called me a little moron today.” I justified. “He deserves this.”

“H-Hey, i-it was just a joke!”

“Oh. A joke?” I acted innocent, voice sounding more like that one of a child.

“Yes! It was just a joke.”

“I see. Well then, see this here as a joke, too. At least then we’ll be even.”

“No, don’t do it!”

It would be some waste not to have this fun right now, wouldn't it?

Get wrecked, Oluou.

“Three.” Surprised, my head whipped forward to the bull’s eye that someone else hit. Judging by the white sleeves and the black gloves and the deep voice, I figured it was Levi who had given the final hit.

Not even three seconds later I heard a splashing sound. The plank was tilted, Oluou not on top of it anymore.

“Oluou!” Petra exclaimed.

I looked back at Levi, spotting an amused grin. If there was another person beside me who was just as eager as me to see Oluou covered in slime, then it no one else than Levi—for he was the one getting imitated by Oluou, which annoyed him to hell.

“You evil vampire, you.” I purred at him.

Wrapping his arms around my neck from behind, he purred back, “I hope my little wolf can forgive me this one time.” He nibbled on my ear and I fisted a hand into his gelled hair, ruining the hair style.

“I will. Let’s go now, shall we? This little wolf here wants to go back to its den.”

“Fine, let’s go.”

We made our leave, ignoring Oluou’s angry cries in the background.

This Halloween party today would for sure remain as a memory in my mind for a very long time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gooooooood! I honestly don't know what to do with Farlan in my story. I love him as a character so much and in my eyes he's just _the perfect_ (former) sugar daddy in this fic, but I can't add that to my fic because he doesn't have a major role as a character here T^T As for now, all that is needed to know about him is that he's pan and poly.
> 
> Ok ok, how was the chapter hm? 
> 
> Well my favourite scene is Levi's and Mike's arm-wrestling haha XD I think if Erwin every had a son, his name would be Leo... AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE! Leo Smith... mmh, sounds good. I don't want to sound arrogant now, but I think that I portrayed Erwin's character so well in my story! I actually like him really much like that! Also, I don't like the idea of past Eruri having to be dealt with in an Ereri fic _necessarily_. As you can see, my fic doesn't have that and yet Eren and Levi had to deal with other shits (before becoming a couple).
> 
> That's all for now. Oh and I'm going to edit my whole fic and correct all typos or other errors. Srsly tho I can't endure it anymore living with the thought of having a fic up which first 10 chapters reads so shitty ugh. Also, I need to delete some A/N's because omg I don't want to remind myself of my embarrassing past (writer) self anymore.
> 
> If everything goes according to plan, the next chapter is going to be published on February! On a specific day, but I won't tell which one (no, not Valentine's Day). It's going to be a... sweet chapter I think. I'll do my best at making it worth the wait *^*


	32. Levi's Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised here's the chapter for February. Let me get off some things first because they are important. First of all...
> 
> IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY A FEW DAYS AGO!! 
> 
> Yeah that's important because it was on my birthday that wrote the most beautiful scenes of this chapter and even cried a bit because of the emotional scenes. That day was also the day I finished the whole thing but again editing took me a few days so I couldn't update my story on my b-day :'D
> 
> So regard this as my belated surprise for you all! *^* 
> 
> Even if it doesn't seem like that at first, but trust me when I say that this is a beautiful chapter. A really really really beautiful chapter, probably my fave. I put so much effort into it and honestly I'm so satisfied with how the chapter turned out.
> 
> The title is perfect, the different scenes are connected well, Eren is adorable, Levi is actually the most precious one here and I tried really hard improving my writing style a bit because this chapter doesn't deserve mediocre writing.
> 
> Enjoy! (Really. Do enjoy it. I hope you all will)

“We’re going to use my room.” I said casually, as a matter of fact.

He scoffed. “Not even in your dreams. We’re going to use _my_ room.”

I crossed my arms and attempted to pout at him but instead of a jut forward by my lips, they curved up at the corners and hinted at a smile.

Levi’s not-so-serious looking frown was faltering as well.

“But why yours? Mine is just as fine.”

Right now we were in the middle of deciding which room we’d choose to share together. Not one bed in one room for each; no, it was about time for us to sleep in one bed _together_ in one room for _both of us_. Before… everything, it was common for us to sleep in our own rooms, although sometimes Levi did allow me to sleep with him in his bed, whether it was after a fuck or not. And… after everything, there had been that silent agreement of me sleeping in Levi’s bed and eventually it was time to make the whole thing official.

Though, I hadn’t expected it to be this difficult.

Was Levi going to move to my room or was it the other way round? None of us knew because both of us were suggesting for the other to give up on their room.

“Your question is unnecessary.” Levi’s soft, low voice channeled into my ears and shook me off my thoughts. He was giving me a disapproving look. “My room is bigger than yours.”

“But my room is really cozy and comfortable to sleep in.”

“Yours is _stuffed_ with many useless things, that’s what it is.”

“I need those things.”

“No one needs ten sketch blocks, three drawing tablets, four bean bags, two shelves filled with all kinds of merchandises from who knows what kind of series, another shelf only for books, one big-ass wardrobe where only half of them is occupied by your clothes and six pillows to sleep on when three of them are scattered on the floor anyway.”

I opened my mouth to counterattack, but no plausible reason arose my mind, so that I had to shut my lips defeatedly. “Using three bean bags sometimes is a good alternative to sleeping on a bed.” I murmured sheepishly, drawing my eyes away from him since this couldn't even count as an attempt of mine to defend my, well, slightly strange living habits.

“Oh dear, Eren.” Levi tilted his head up and pushed out an exasperated sigh. “If I add my belongings to your room, there won’t be much free space anymore to move on. Let’s use my room. You can transfer all of the necessary things to this place here and whenever you miss your three bean bags or want to gawk at your fandom merchandise or need to use another of your sketch books you can go to your room and do whatever you desire.”

I hesitated. Not for long, though. “Fine.” I stretched the word on my tongue, rolling my eyes once noticibly as I rose my hands in capitulation. “Your idea may sound good.”

Levi huffed. “Of course it does. It’s my plan after all.” Arms crossed, I scrutinized the way he looked at me with that self-assured posture, hips lightly swayed to one side and face looking pleased.

I pursed my lips at him and crossed my arms. “But you have to help me carry the necessary stuff, okay?”

“I will gladly do that.”

“Well,” I drew out the word, staring at the ceiling as I philosophized dreamily, “seems that all my _precious_ stuff has to spend the night without me from now on.”

“Oh, come on,” Levi pushed me towards the door to head to my room while I smiled to myself. He seemed to be a little amused as well. “You can go to your room and worship your sacred shit anytime.”

It didn't take more than half an hour to move my (“useful”) belongings to Levi’s room. Clothes, pillows, blanket, work desk, various room accessoires that didn't appear too sappy in Levi’s eyes and a book shelf, as well as trading Levi’s wardrobe with mine to have one big wardrobe for two.

I was lining up my framed photographies that showed my family, friends and some pretty places I had visited in the past when Levi sneaked behind me, placed his chin on my right shoulder, and folded his arms over my waist. “The ocean, huh?” Apparently he had his eyes fixated on the picture that I had set up on the shelf last; a picture that had captured a moment that was so valuable to Armin and me. We were little children in this and running towards a vast mass of sand, the beach, as we headed for the ocean that was so close to us, some waves almost reaching our feet. Our heads were turned back and I still remember that it had been my mother who had called for us because she had wanted to take a picture of Armin and me with the ocean in the background, since this had been a truly big experience for both of us; especially for Armin.

“That was the very first time we got to see the ocean.” I started explaining, although there wasn't any necessity to do so. I didn't even know whether Levi wanted to listen to it, but the words spilled through my mouth before I could usher them back in and down my throat, swallowing them into a void. Also, it pressed my heart to an eased state and I felt like not wanting to talk about anything else right now. “Armin told me so many things about it before. His grandpa was a ship captain and used to travel a lot at sea. One time he gave Armin a book that told about the ocean and from then on he didn't wish for more than to see the big blue sea with his own eyes. Shiganshina isn’t located near the ocean at all, you know, but that didn't hinder him from sticking to his dream. We were barely four years old, I guess, and Armin had sucked me in to the idea of seeing the ocean for its beauty and admiration. I got interested in it as well and we bugged our parents to see it. We even convinced them to permit us taking swimming lessons, so that after only 6 months we were able to swim somewhat decently and make a trip to the ocean. I know that the very first time we headed there, after this picture was taken to be quite exact, Armin was squealing and giggling in joy, playing in the salt water, and so was I, because… Do you even know how a four year old child feels when they meet with something as enormous and overwhelming as the ocean? It was a splendid and incredible experience.”

A little comfortable silence expanded between us. And then I guessed that I had probably talked too much.

“Oh, sorry,” I scratched the back of my head as I chuckled lazily, turning my head to Levi, “I’m pretty sure I’ve bored you with my background story.”

His arms crossed over my stomach. A rather undefinable and undescribable dullness had coated his grey orbs and he looked indifferent about this matter. “Why should I ever complain about you telling me more about yourself? If there’s something I’d gladly like to know more about it’s _you_.”

“Okay. That’s pleasant to hear.” A pause. “When was the first time you visited the ocean?” Now that I have told about me, Levi might as well could share his experience.

Raising his brows in what seemed like slight irritation, his eyes wandered away from my face, an exhale passing his parted lips. “I don’t exactly know. That was more than ten years ago. But I do remember that I got into a big fight with my family shortly after Cassie and Richard had adopted me and suggested to go to the ocean together as a family in an attempt to make me feel less foreign around them. I hadn’t been on good terms with them right away because I questioned their concept of “living as a patchwork family”, thus integrating me to their family relations, so I rebelled and stood up to any of their attempts that dealt with such family bondings. Some time later, we worked out the hindrances and obstacles that had been standing in our way and by me accepting them and approving of them, we finally became what we are right now. The topic ocean used to be a taboo for at least a year, but we finally went there when Isabel asked for it. Unlike you, I hadn't got such a big impression of the ocean. It’s just an ocean. Nothing interesting or important.”

“Don’t say that in front of Armin. He’ll find a way to brainwash you.” I joked, smiling. My gaze wandering over the room deliberately, I noticed something that I had never given attention to before, which was actually quite ridiculous because after so many months and times sleeping in this – Levi’s – room here, I should have realized it earlier. “Why don’t you have family or group photos framed anywhere?”

“I have pictures with my friends practically rotting somewhere between some books and all the family photos are where they belong; in my family’s home.” His voice was highly nonchalant, as though it was the most obvious explanation ever and not unusual at all.

I curved my brows slightly. “But once one moves out from their parent’s house, they take some memories of their family with them.”

Levi shrugged his shoulders indifferently. “I know how they looked like years ago and I remember most of the things I did with them that was worth to be savoured in a picture.”

“But still…”

A sigh brushed through his lips and he closed his eyes for a while. “You know… there is one essential thing I’d rather not have to face everytime I look at those pics.”

“And that is?” I asked, persistent.

“I… I didn't always use to be averagely tall for my age.”

“What?” Cocking my head like a bird to the side, there was a little time span where I didn't believe the words my ears had caught, but just as quickly a little streak of comprehension slowly started to unravel the mess of threads in my mind.

“Small.” he said, steadily, “I used to be unnaturally small when I was a teenager. A midget. Barely 5 feet 3 inches tall.”

Even though I grasped the words right away, I took a long pause to just stare at him, eyes expressionless but focused on Levi’s irritated face. Then I smiled. And my smile grew, and Levi rolled his eyes. “Oh? That’s… very intriguing to know. A small Levi. I’m sure that looks really…”

“Don’t say it.” He breathed in acted exhaustion.

“Cute.” To this, I earned a groan. “Yes, yes. Cute. I can’t really imagine you being so small, gosh, can I see a picture?”

“No.”

“ _Please_.”

“It’s not like I have any with me or stacked somewhere in my room anyway. I wasn't very proud of my short height by the way. That was the main reason why many people underestimated me or thought I was the perfect prey for bullies. Only at 17 or 18 did I finally grow taller.”

“Did you have sort of complexes because of that?” I asked tentatively, being very much interested in this matter; I listened carefully and seemed to step closer to Levi with every question I flooded him with, at one point our bodies grazed each other and my hands found themselves around his waist. Lovingly, I beamed at him and was keen for his answer to my ask prior. I may have asked him something that was itself a rather depressing issue, but on the other hand I could already guess that a negation of my question would follow as a reply.

“Of course not.” I knew it. Levi’s tone, deprecative and bitter, decorated the growl that was rising up his throat dryly. “It took me just a little to make it clear to people, mostly those of my age or slightly older, that they shouldn't mess with me, and they understood. Short or not, I had much dominance and power in that little body of mine.”

“Can-you-show-me-a-picture, please?” I hopped in place as I uttered every word slowly, stressing each of them. “Pretty please. Snatch one from your parental's home and hang it on a wall in your – _our_ – room here. That’d be really nostalgic.” I batted my eyelashes excessively, granting him a puppy eyes look.

Levi snarled very faintly, obviously disapproving of my idea. “Your pictures are enough. Mine would be pretty dull and boring. Most of yours, however, are funny to look at. Either you are smeared in dirt, have scratches and injuries from whatever activities you got them from or you’re posing most extrovertedly in group photos. I wasn't like that. In many of them you can literally _read_ it from my knitted brows and frowned forehead that I was forced to take photos with my siblings or friends. I thought of such a thing as a total waste.”

Despite of his reasoning, I insisted on my wish. “But Levi…” I whined, patting his chest with one flat hand in a beg.

“You just want to know how I looked like when I was smaller, don’t you?” he eventually snapped.

“Absolutely!” He was met with another shining beam of mine as I widened my eyes and tore my mouth agape in fascination.

“No.” he said, and established free space between us by grasping me and lightly pushing me away by my arms. “We’re done moving your stuff, right? Let’s take a shower then.”

My smile fell and so did my shoulders. Levi held one of my wrists and guided us to the bathroom while I strode behind him reluctantly – like a little child who didn't want to go home from a playground yet –, and pouted stubbornly.

I went as far as to refusing to shower by myself, so Levi did it for me.

Half an hour later we were out again and back in our room.

A fresh scent painting the air a new life, I perched at Levi who had already made it himself comfortable on the bed, with a magazine in his hand; laying on his right side, he had his head leant against his palm and his elbow propped up. His top was coating his abdomen area only loosely, falling down at the front and giving a little glimpse of his hot six-pack. Like that, he looked like a stunning beauty. So charming and enchanting and pretty. A gorgeous man, despite of his flaws, and all of him was all of me.

Standing still at place, generous feet away from him, I held the ends of my white towel round my neck tight and watched him in awe. A feeling of falling a second time with Levi spread in my chest and infected all nerves of my body with an incurable and insatiable state of adoration and amazement.

Not a second time falling in love, but I was falling harder for him. Every moment I realized how much he meant to me my heart picked up its pace almost unnoticibly as a mute redness would swell on my face.

My love, my precious, my everything, and sometimes I’d think of how it’d have been if a certain thing hadn't come as it had happened, hence how my life would have been if I hadn’t met Levi. Would I have had a girlfriend? Or would I have stayed single?

“Weird how the fact that we are a couple now would have never happened if it wasn't for you to invite me to the drink parties of your colleagues after meeting each other in a business dinner.” I joined him on the bed, taking the same laying position as him but mirror-inverted. There was no second that my eyes had halted savouring Levi’s being. His hair had dried quicker than mine and his towel had fallen off his shoulders and was abandoned behind his back. I let my fingers run over Levi’s back of hand up to his arm, drawing invisible traces. “It is quite interesting to think about how we wouldn’t have become anything at all if it wasn't for the drink parties you invited me to.”

“Geez, don’t bring _that_ up.” A guttural groan rumbled in Levi’s throat. I could already guess why that was, and it made me force a cackle down. Levi went on venting. “First they reproached me for having dared skipping one of their drink parties and then, a few months later, they decided to stop with this tradition! Where the fuck is the logic?!”

My fingers travelled on Levi’s shoulder now. I shifted my head on my palm and sparked a smile a him. “It’s indeed weird, but you should be glad that you don’t have to go there anymore. You were never really eager to take part in it, whilst I thought it was really fun doing it once in a month.” I remember that Levi’s co-workers would throw a little drink party whenever they receive their salary each month and since Levi got bored by it after the first few times he asked me to bear him company. That was around the time I met Levi for the first time during a business meeting where, afterwards, I had escorted him home and we had had sex. The abolition of the drink party had occured when Levi and I had already become fuck buddies, so more than four months later.

“Heh, did you like those parties because of all the drinks and the drunk people doing ridiculous and funny things or was it because I was there giving you a special and pleasurable treatment?” Levi drawled in a sultry voice, slyness creeping out in form of a smirk. Levi’s hand had stilled on the magazine, there was no doubt he had abandoned it by now, and the only movement that appeared noticable in the static void of silence was that of my tracing fingers, blessed by Levi’s skin.

Eyelids fluttering once, I retorted lavishly, “You don’t think I liked it just because of the things we did there, do you? Come on, Levi, you were okay. That’s it.”

There was no single second where Levi would believe my joke, his eyes didn't widen in surprise and in general he didn't falter at all. I myself had difficulties not to burst into a loud laughing fit because my own words sounded more ridiculous in my ears than I had expected.

“Tch, you little shit.” Levi scolded me but grinned.

I spread my fingers and slipped my prior moving hand under Levi’s top, feeling his skin there now as I skidded closer to him. Levi let me, though he looked slightly mad, eyes flicked to the side and lips pursed.

I huffed a smile and stroked his side apologetically. “Just joking.”

“Yeah, sure.” The mocking undertone revealed how much Levi took this whole thing rather halfheartedly.

“Hey, I’m saying the truth.”

There was a long moment where Levi tantalized me, refusing to say anything and suddenly he found the magazine highly interesting. Pouting, I tried to bring him to talk by nuzzling our noses together and humming at him.

Even then he treated my lovely attempts as thin air, until… until—

“Stop!” All of a sudden he stared at me wide-eyed and for some reason one hand of his enclosed my wrist that had been hovering over his skin. The way he had exclaimed this to me wasn't sounding as if he was annoyed by my attention seeking. It sounded a lot more like a… warning.

“W-What… What’s wrong?” I gave him a worried gaze, brows curled as such.

With what seemed like breath being held in by him, Levi eventually released it in one audible puff. “It tickles.”

It took me literally half a minute to figure out what he was talking about, confusion expressing on my face vividly, and after a short glance at my hand that had been kept in place, on his skin but motionless, a vague guess crept onto my mind and soon I was certain about it.

As a small tug twitched at the corner of my lips, I asked innocently, “Are you ticklish there?” and put light pressure on the spot where Levi had ceased my hand’s strokes.

Instead of simply answering with a ‘Yes’, Levi instructed me. “Be a good boy and move your hand away from there.” The threatening and stern voice of him was what dared me, _tempted me_ , to opt for the exact opposite.

I replied with a big grin, my eyes gleaming with amused torture.

“Don’t do it.” Levi snarled and began to distance himself from me, doing so unobstrusively and discreetly at first.

But I was faster and threw myself on him, keeping him trapped in place as my hands found the left and right side of his waist.

“No! Wait! Eren, don’t!” He struggled under my grasp and if it wasn't for me to already have started tickling him with brisk and jaunty fingertips, he most likely would have been able to free himself.

Grinning in entertainment, I went on with my very special torment. What I heard next was something I had never heard before and beginning from the first second I listened to it, part of me had already made it a mental note to savour this moment – this gleeful voice that sounded off in such a beautiful way – for eternity and beyond that.

The heavenly beautiful and sweetly delightful laughter that spilled through Levi’s lips dipped the room in a state of bliss, sounding like music in my ears. Levi’s upper body whipped and alternated from left to right side, filling the air around us with his stunning voice of blithe happiness, as my fingers grazed his ticklish spots.

Sometimes protests would get squeezed out by Levi in between his laugh, demanding from me to stop (which I, of course, rejected because this was too beautiful to end so soon).

At some point, I began smiling and feeling clensed; Levi’s laughter having the gift of washing off negative things. Even before I realized it, my fingers had already stilled after some time and now Levi lay flatly on his back, panting loudly which caused his chest to heave and sink as his laughter subsided. The white of his eyes looked slightly wetter and the upcurve of his lips decorated his face in a way that was worth to be painted on canvas and remembered forever.

This side of him was so rare and so pretty.

I, who had been silent the whole time, cast a peaceful smile at him.

“What?” Levi finally said, breath evened out mostly.

My hands still round his waist, though not tickling anymore, I kept holding him in my arms.

“You have a magnificent laugh.” I confessed; sounding as genuine and endearing as possible. These were feelings I wanted Levi to understand without any doubts.

Levi’s face flushed a faint pink, flustering, and he huffed shortly at first, probably not knowing how to reply to this and words seemed to fail him, and then a hand was up and reached my right cheek, pushing my face softly to the left.

“What are you talking there? I-It’s just a laughter.” he stammered, and I noticed this was the very first time I saw him this off his guard.

I whipped my gaze back at him.

“But it was you laughing. It was the first time that I witnessed you laughing like that. And I find your laughter beautiful.”

Levi crossed his forearms, pulled them behind, and rested his head on them. He smiled smugly. “You’re embarrassing.”

“No, I’m just so in love with you, that is.” I gave one last tickle attack and made Levi wince and cry out a low-pitched squeak and I took that opportunity to place my lips on his. He was startled at first, but loosened quickly.

We stayed arm in arm and on our bed for a long time, talking about everything that leapt to our minds as time passed and the world aged. With our bodies pressed to each other, sleep caught us hours later.

~~~

Despite of our talk yesterday and Levi’s arguing and degrading the significance of it, I had stuck to my conviction and now here I was, visiting Levi’s family.

It was early in the morning, I had told Levi that I’d leave early because I had something to do before I’d go to work, and he bought me that (so it seemed and it wasn't a lie of mine anyway).

Exciting anticipation gradually filling me up, my grin grew as I neared the front door. I was so close to finally get to know how Levi used to look like when he used to be younger.

Since it was still around the time where people would wake up or get themselves ready, I was certain that Levi’s adoptive parents hadn’t left for work yet—despite of running a company.

This was my chance.

If I just got familiar with Cassie, I’d be able to get what I wanted. All mothers and mother figures loved to rave about their children and memories linked to them, so they would most gladly show people old pictures of their children. My plan was simple and trivial. Given the circumstances and my timing, it was unlikely for something to get in my way or go wrong.

Levi, my dear. As much as I love you, please let me have a look at your pretty younger face.

Having reached the door by now after walking up the broad path leading to it, passing by the gracefully kept garden and stepping into the shadow that the grand living emitted in the sunrise, I pressed down the door bell. To hell with my fingers fidgeting in excitement, but frankly speaking I couldn't blame them nor myself.

It was just a matter of Mrs Magnolia being as kind as to do me my one and only and desperate favour.

The door was opened by a red-haired person and I found myself in a state of relief assuming that it was the person in question. However, as the door creaked farther open and the figure unblurred to vision from the dull shadow seeping through the entrance hall, my eyes eventually caught differences that made me doubt to believe the person in front of me was the one I sought out.

Smaller in height than I had kept it in mind and wearing two messy ponytails instead of having her hair combed flat, I was encountered with a glimmering smile.

“Oh. Hi, Eren! What a nice surprise to see you here!” Isabel’s shrill voice echoed in my head.

Well, shit. My plan was already failing before it had even been executed.

“Hey, Isabel.” I said, faint confusion marking my voice. One of my brows twitched upwards as I asked her cautiously, “Don’t you have to go to university? Why are you here and not in the dorms by the campus in the first place?”

Isabel answered in the most natural and a matter-of-fact way possible. “It’s almost winter break, so most of my classes are already on pause. That’s why I’ve already moved back to my old home to spent my free time here. Today I have only one afternoon class.”

“Why are you already up so early though?”

Even to this she had a plausible explanation. Her enthusiastic grin didn't fade. “I’m studying for my exams. Together with Farlan, he’s helping me with my studies.”

“I see.” I gave an understanding nod, but it came more stiffly and rather forceful than intended. Maybe not everything was wasted yet, I thought. Without any more meanderings, I tried to get back to my original plan somehow, though with some slight alterations.

“Is your mother home? I’d like to have a little talk with her.” Even though I wouldn't like to have Isabel eavesdrop on the conversation between Cassie and me – which she would totally do –, I couldn't change that anymore and lastly accepted it reluctantly.

“Nope. She and Richard already left for work.”

Great. Now it was offical: Mission failed.

If one listened very closely, one could hear my low whine that whirled deep in my throat, barely a few tones ambitious enough to crawl up and spill through my pressed lips. I had my jaw tightened and gouged invisible holes into Isabel’s face, eyes not focused on anything.

Her head cocked to the side, resembling the tilt of a bird. Or dog. “Are you alright?”

Moments passed before I straightened my body, set my eyes on Isabel’s big ones and released a quiet sigh.

The bigger part of me didn't want to show and accept defeat, which meant that I had to opt for a plan B. Perhaps Isabel was just as kind as her mother and would do me the favor.

“Say, you, Farlan and Levi have probably taken lots of pictures when you were younger, right?”

“Of course!” she cried happily. “We’ve taken tons and most of them are saved in albums here at home.”

Good, good. That was good to hear. “I see. Well, then… Would you mind giving me one or two of those pictures? I’d like to take them home to Levi and I’s home.” Radiating an innocent smile at her, I inwardly hoped for the best.

But Isabel fell into a silence for a long while. With every passing second she made me more and more insecure, and slight panic leapt into my body because I feared now that I had picked up a sensitive topic—which shouldn't be the case with what Levi had told me yesterday.

“A photo?” Isabel questioned inquiringly.

“Yes.” The expression I wore had become blank from insecurity.

Isabel crossed her arms. “I see.” Her tone was impish and superior. “Did Levi give you permission to pick up some of his pictures?”

There was a little silence which I shouldn't have allowed to sprawl because it only rose more suspicion. The remaining question was how well Isabel could figure out things.

“Y-Yes, he did.”

“You stuttered.” Isabel pointed out rapidly.

“No, I didn't!”

“I see what you’re playing here.” Her arms ascended to the front of her chest, crossed them, and she rolled her eyes playfully as a victorious smirk adorned her features. “But no. I won’t give you anything. These are big bro’s pictures and there’s a reason why he left all of them here. No permission, no pictures. It’s as simple as that. Actually, big bro wouldn't task you with something like this anyway, since he’d rather collect them himself.”

The self-confidence she had attached to her behaviour irritated me noticeably. I stared at her with an expressionless face at first. “Just give me some pictures!” I snapped at her crudely at last.

“Nope.” She cocked her chin up and shifted her face to the side, standing with crossed arms.

Weighing up whether to go on with that aimless discussion or giving up didn't satisfy me nor did I know what else to do. So with fists clenched in despair and face frowned with anger, I silently shot a glare at Isabel who didn't appear affected by my pathetic way of pleading her to do me the favor. She shrugged her shoulders once and grinned at me.

Suddenly a little idea grazed my mind and in no more than a split of a second I thought of it as a good way to succeed my plan, but at the same time I couldn't estimate how high the chances were of getting what I wanted.

If you don’t try out, you’ll never find out.

“Okay. Alright. Fine.” I said in a more peaceful tone now, appearing as though I had calmed down. Even a little smile was lurking around my lips and I beamed at Isabel. As I did so, I also took some steps back, descending the porch by the front door. I went on with my soft words. “You’re right. It is wrong of me to demand such a thing. Don’t mind me. I’ll discuss the matter with Levi.”

“You should have done that beforehand.” Isabel retorted, hissing at me.

Oh, trust me. I did.

“Right. My apologies.” I placed a hand on the back of my head and gave out a short laughter.

Then I went silent and observed Isabel’s actions with a hard and peering gaze. Her back facing me now as she turned to get inside, I took that opportunity, sprang up the stairs with one swift jump and passed her in the threshold, enforcedly pushing her away.

“Hey, wait!” I heard her stern shout from behind.

Finally inside, I didn't waste a second to sprint to the stairs to the second floor and head for Levi’s old room.

“Farlan! There’s a burglar in our house!”

If I hadn't been busy right now, I would have laughed at that statement. However, there had been some irony in her words.

Even though I had been here only once, I fortunately had kept in mind where Levi’s room was again and allowed myself in, letting the door fly open as my very own humble self entered it. Sighing out big huffs, my gaze whisked across the room as I mentally placed myself in Levi’s position to grasp where someone like him would hide pictures he didn't care much about.

While I hadn’t given much attention to that when visiting Levi’s family – and with that his room –, I noticed this time that there wasn't one single picture or framed photo of himself put on a wall or placed on a surface anywhere in this room.

Somewhere in between, my mind worked over the memory of that one particular and significant thing that hat happened here as well during my first visit which had basically changed everything between Levi and me after that, but I was quick at bringing myself to get rid of that thought.

_Not now. This is not the right time to think about this._

Pinching the sides of the bridge of my nose with my fingers, I took a deep breath and dashed my eyes open to engage myself to my actual plan.

Again, my eyes surveyed the room and eventually I turned my body around to search everywhere with my eyes in order to find out what place would be the perfect choice to hide something.

Just when I roamed my meticulous glare over the door, sweeping over to the shelf next to it, someone came through that door into the room and I shrieked (if my sense weren’t tricking me, I had done so loudly) when Farlan hastened to me, glaring at me in a hostile way. My heart stopped for a long moment, it was unhealthy and freezing the blood in my body with fright, and only now did I realize that he had a baseball bat swung above his head, ready to strike.

“Wait! It’s just me!” I screamed and stumbled backwards, almost falling on my backside.

When Farlan realized that it had been in fact me and not some repugnant stranger on his way to steal things from them, his face softened from one second to the other, peace and his usual kind expression waving over his face.

“Oh, it’s just you.” he eventually stated, halted apruptly, lowered his “weapon” and placed a hand on his hips, smiling at me. _As if nothing of this had happened just now._

“Yeah.” I breathed out harshly. “And you almost beat me with that thing!” Horrified, I scowled at him madly.

“My bad. But Isabel said there was a thief in here, and I of course had to equip myself with something to take the intruder down. Who knows what weapons he would carry.” His easygoing voice and attitude caused me to fume and twitch. Farlan shifted his head to the corridor behind him and shouted. “It’s not a burglar, Isabel! It’s just Eren.”

“Don’t let him fleeeeeeeeee!” We heard her screech and then her figure appeared in front of our eyes and before I could even do something against whatever kind of stupid idea popped into her mind, I was already tackled by her to the floor, face first, Isabel laying on top of my back.

“What are you doing there?!” I spat, hopelessly trapped.

“C’mon, Isa. Don’t be so rough with him.” From the corner of my eye I could see Farlan shake her shoulder. “What did he do wrong anyway?”

“He wanted one of Levi’s old pictures, but I told him that he isn't allowed to have them and then he tried to get them himself forcefully and shamelessly allowed himself into Levi’s room without our or big bro’s consent!” She wound her arms around my head, established a firm grip around it and pulled it back achingfully.

“Isabel! Let go of me! That hurts!” A fist of mine slammed on the floor.

“That’s what it’s supposed to do!”

“Your breasts are squeezing against my back.”

“I don’t care!”

After what felt like minutes my head was finally free again. Farlan had managed to get her off me, it appeared so.

Finally feeling some weight diminishing from the top of my back, I breathed out in relief, only to be squished again shortly after.

This time pressure was holding me down around my lower back.

“What the…” I whipped my head back and saw Farlan sitting on top of me, eyes glinting mischievously at me. “Farlan, why?!” I whined desperately. I had already reached that point that I regretted executing my plan, no matter what, especially when knowing that the most important part of it wasn't even in reach and while I was aware of it, I ignored it and this was what I would get as punishment I guess.

 _Very clever of you, you insufferable idiot_ , I could literally hear my own self.

“Did no one ever tame your wild behaviour before?” Voice casual, Farlan took out his phone and dialed a number.

“Don’t approach me with that kind of shit. Get off me!” Ridiculous how Farlan had pinned me down only from one little part of my body and yet I couldn't free myself.

I struggled through his grasp for a while, pushing myself up by my hands but it was no use. Slacking off and slouching back to the floor, right cheek placed on the cool surface, I sighed sadly in defeat. “Isabel, Farlan. I’m sorry.” I tried. “I just wanted to know how little Levi looked like. That’s not a crime!” Switching my eyes from Farlan to Isabel repeatedly, I sulked pleadingly, but the most I got was Isabel sticking her tongue at me as she looked down at me. “You two have a really stiff attitude, you know that?!” I attacked them verbally, pissed off.

“That’s not true.” Farlan started.

And Isabel continued. “We’re just loyal to big bro.”

My eyes shot up to the ceiling as I growled lowly. Then I heard Farlan talk to someone on his phone.

“Come here and pick up your wild pet.” he said.

“I’m not his _pet_!” Barking viciously, I sent Farlan a death glare. I got back an amused smile.

My temporary disdain for him was interrupted by Isabel removing the cap of a pen. “Well, now that you were as mean as to disturb me during my studies, I’ll just use your face as canvas to do my practices on.” She lowered herself to my level, pen ready to draw on me. Isabel grinned spitefully, and enjoyed the tease thoroughly.

My eyes widened in horror. “Is that a permanent marker?!” With that little bit of mobility left, I attempted to draw my head, especially my face, back from her.

“Maybe~” she replied, and it raised my hopelessness even more.

“What the fuck, Isabel! Don’t do that!”

“I’m just joking. It’s non-permanent.” She giggled. All I could do was let this happen, but deep down in my heart I wished for immediate rescue from this misery that could have been prevented if I hadn’t been such a selfish idiot.

Closing my eyes, I mewled a last prayer. “Please. At least don’t draw a dick on my face.”

“That, Eren, is a very good idea.”

Although I had partly lost my sense of time and orientation after some time of laying on the floor like a helpless prey, meditating in vacuo resignation, eyes blanky gazing straighforward with no aim or the slightest twitch, I waited with atrocious impatience for Levi to pick me up from this silent punishment. Silent in the literal sense. Isabel was really sketching on my face, brows creased in deep concentration; all the while a minute sly curve of her lips was presented to me. Meanwhile, Farlan would converse with his sister here and there, but other than that he let her be; _let her vandalize my face._

I didn't know what to expect when Levi finally came to my vision, right in front of my face. He had gone down to his knees – wrinkling and dusting his neat and exquisite grey suit with that – tilted his head to the side to be on same level with me, our stares now on equal height. He was frowning, but he didn't appear to be mad. Just… confused.

“Eren, what are you doing there?” he sounded genuinely concerned and confused, but at the same time his voice called out a lack of understanding.

“Hey.” I stretched out the word, guiltily, mouth apart and wide as an anomaly of an insecure laughter scurried up my throat which felt surprisingly dry and coarse now that I had to explain myself to him, especially after only one day when Levi had most likely been sure that the issue wouldn't be picked up again this soon.

Levi ordered Farlan to get off me. He did so and I could finally breath freely, without feeling a pressure on my back.

My mood altered to bliss and pleasant delight at the fact that Levi helped me up, taking my hands, and I didn't let go of them. Not even when we were both at our feet again, making eye contact that didn't break betwixt.

While I was shimmering a content smile at him, for the time being shooting the actual reason for this incidence to oblivion, Levi was giving me a weird look, eyes scanning one side of my face accurately and with puzzlement creasing the skin around his narrowed eyes.

And then I finally got it. “What did Isabel draw on my face?” I asked, but didn't want to know the answer.

Even if Levi was responding in a casual and nonchalant voice, I knew that this was irrelevant to the question of how bad my face looked because he could just as well describe a murder or a porn in the same way. “Well, there are some motives of nature and sacrednesses; parts of a human face—such as lips and eyes; an impersonated moon as well as stars and flowers.” One eye already squeezed shut for that one particular thing to be uttered by him, I wondered why he didn't say it because he had paused, as if nothing were to come anymore. Though his pause was just because he looked closer at Isabel's creation and it appeared he found another major thing. “Oh, and there is a dick.”

A sigh of a pained growl seethed through my lips and I dropped my head, covering the scribbled half of my face.

“It’s not as bad as it appears,” Levi tried soothingly and shuffled me into his arms. I returned the hug gladly, nodding and sniffing in a dramatic way. “I’m sure we can wipe it off easily. We can, can’t we, _Isabel_?” His tone now two octaves lower, grumbling dangerously as it was directed at her. He didn't bother to look at Isabel, for he stood with his back facing her.

I was the one who had clear sight of Isabel and now it was me who stuck out my tongue at her.

She played dumb, but grinned as her eyes skimmed the ceiling. “Um, I don’t know. Mayb—”

“Don’t even try going there.” Levi broke her words and didn't drop his snarling voice yet.

“Okay, okay. Fine. Of course it’s washable.”

“Heh, are you kidding me, Levi? This seems as though _Eren_ is the innocent one here.” Farlan's face was twisted with merciless vengeance and his eyes blazed a mischievous grey-gold and so was his smile. “Why won’t you ask him what he’s doing here in the first place?”

I threw wrathful death glares at him. Of course Farlan wouldn’t miss the opportunity to display me as the bad guy in front of Levi. I knew what I had done – _tried_ to do –, but it was really _uncool_ of him to point out my problematic action.

As Levi unraveled himself from our hug, I continued glowering at Farlan until Levi was facing me and hence I weaved my gaze at him, attempting at best to cover my face with an innocent expression.

“Yeah, he is right. What are you doing here?” Levi questioned. Considering that Levi perhaps was just pretending to be oblivious, he performed his act flawlessly of knowing of nothing.

“Eh… uh,” I blabbered out, my stammering going on for a ridiculous and embarrassing while, eyes being averted to the side before I confessed in a heat of guilt, which I could have oppressed but didn't because that would have meant to tell Levi only the half truth—or a pathetic excuse. My cheeks glazed a deep shade of red, establishing a contrast of temperature between my head and the rest of my body. “I-... I j-just wanted to take a picture of you. Sorry, but I couldn't detain myself. Don’t be angry with me, okay? I don’t get why you are against photos of yourself being hung on our wall, Levi. It doesn't matter if you used to be small compared to others. So what? We all used to be small at some point. Is that really the reason? I mean…” I halted and leered my eyes away from him, his harmless and expressionless look somehow intimidated me. Perhaps it was the silence because Levi didn't bother intervening my soliloquy. “Don’t you want to look at a picture of your past self to remind yourself of the times you felt actually good and comfortable with the people around you?”

“I told you already that I don’t have to look at pictures for that.” The way he replied, so monotonous, crabbed a mark of disappointment into the depth of my chest; where my heart was.

“I see.” I retorted sheepishly. The tranquil atmosphere brought by me hung heavy above our heads, which made me consider to just drop the matter or else I’d make it only worse when there was no end for it anyway.

Levi raised my head from under my chin. There was a twitch at the corner of his mouth, the only sign of him producing what common people would call a smile. “Geez, stop being so gloomy please, will you? I still don't understand why it is so important for you. I hope you don't mind explaining it to me later. Now get rid of that melancholic expression, I want to show you something. Of course, only if you want me to.” He held out a hand to me and glancing quickly at him, his promising words waking some sort of hope inside me, I flashed a smile and grasped his hand.

Levi led me out of his old room. We passed by Farlan and Isabel who had been silent prior and still were. Both were smiling as well and Isabel patted my scribbled cheek as I glided past her.

At the end of the floor, Levi opened a room that looked like a storage room. A big and spacious storage room, which was unusual. Perks of being wealthy, huh?

“What is this room?” My eyes swept over the place. Many cupboards, some boxes piled on the floor, shelves plunged with random stuff and spare supplies that were useful and necessary to do chores. But, to my surprise, they had even put a couch in here and there was even a little wash basin. Also a table with chairs.

“I can tell you what it’s not. We could never agree on what to call it, but we decided to call it a room where one could _not_ sleep in.” Levi headed for one of the cupboards, opened a drawer, rummaged in there before he took out a photo. He displayed it to my general direction without creating eye contact with me, and simply said, “Here.”

I hurried to Levi, joining alongside to him in a matter of a few big steps and grabbed the picture. A ridiculous big grin spread over my face as I looked at the photo that succeeded in captivating me due to its nostalgic beauty. It was a family photo. Cassie and Richard positioned behind their children, smiling warmly into the camera. In front of them were – from left to right – Levi, Isabel and Farlan aligned. One of Richard’s hands was resting on Farlan's left shoulder who was giving a smug and pleased look. Isabel looked as though she was the perfect definition of a sunshine, that was how brightly her face was beaming. And then there was Levi. Cassie's right hand leaning on his shoulder to complete the other side opposite of Richard and Farlan. He looked… small, there was no denial to it. But that was totally alright because it didn't make him less worth of a human being. He had his arms crossed and was scowling at the camera lense, as if there was no tomorrow left to express annoyance, hate and complaints altogether.

“This is _so adorable_!” I exclaimed, awestruck and elated.

“I knew you would say something like that.” Levi closed the drawer with a sigh.

“Levi, this is the purest thing I’ve ever seen! Look at yourself, this is so beautiful!” I warbled, and couldn't take my eyes off the picture yet. Not now. I wasn't done admiring it.

“Yeah, I know, right? That was Levi during his emo phase.” Farlan spoke casually as he stood by the doorway, Isabel next to him.

“Shut the fuck up, I had never gone through an ‘emo phase’.” Levi snapped. He granted his big brother with one of his infamous glares.

“Yeah, yeah. Of course not.” Farlan giggled to his own sarcasm which broiled the anger within Levi. But it didn't come as far as to an argument because right after that they left us alone, Isabel having bidden farewell by waving at us.

“It’s okay. That doesn't matter. I used to be very special and especially quirky and obnoxious, too. That doesn't play an important role now. Important is that I have this here.” Carefully and slowly, I raised that picture to my face, holding it close to the front of my mouth and nose. “It does belong to me, doesn't it? You gave it to me, so I can frame it and savour it by placing it somewhere in our room where it’s visible to me—to us. Right?!” Mouth agape, eyes wide with sparkling glee, I embodied the distinguishing counterpart of Levi's being who couldn't omit the same excitement as me at all—not even remotely close.

“Do whatever you want to do with that photo.” he eventually voiced, stressing each word by taking pauses in between. This was enough to make my day today and I was certain it would often bring a smile to my features even when it was a week later. Squealing internally, my gaze was glued to the family picture again, scutinizingly, taking in every small detail that I could absorb with my meticulous eyes.

Levi was an exception, but other people around me would call me weird or my actions exaggerated, if they saw me like that. However, no one of them could understand why a picture of Levi’s adolescence meant a lot to me. That he told me about himself, his truest and most vulnerable side, was one thing. But entrusting me part of himself with a physical memory of it was an honour to me. I wanted to be everything to him.

Because all of him should become all of me.

My heartbeat accelerated, thumping fiercer, and I was stuck in a vortex of happiness, encapsulating myself in it, so that it was sheer impossible for my body to function properly if it wasn't for an outsider to tear me apart from my daydream and gawk, full in love.

“Sit down there. I’ll clean your face. I can’t look at that grotesque dick anymore.” Levi had turned around, busying himself with the contents of one of the drawers again. He had jutted a thumb over his shoulder, pointing at the sofa. “I don’t know what it was that made Isabel draw a dick on your face in such a picturesque way, but it’s becoming annoying. Even, no, especially for you. Right, Eren?”

I hummed at him, registering only half of the things he said as I sat down on the cushioned seat, picture held dearly between my fingers. Finally I shifted my eyes at Levi and got them parted slightly when I got a glimpse of the thing Levi had taken out of the drawers.

“You have wet wipes here?” I asked with disbelief, although the answer was presented right in front of my eyes.

Levi took one wipe out and his body went still, the white wet tissue clasped between thumb and pointer finger as he turned his head to me, saying “Sure.” in a casual way, as if it was the most normal thing ever. “One can never have enough wet wipes at home. I’ve taught that my family when I started caring more about cleanliness.

He approached me, sat down and I positioned myself on his thighs as soon as the opportunity was given, and Levi didn’t mind. While I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, dedicating myself to admiring Levi’s picture, as if I was star-gazing, that was how it felt like to me, Levi used the wipe to clean my ink abused face. He used fast and precise movements to get the sketches out of my face, but he made sure not to rub my skin raw, treating it like a valuable antique.

“With this picture here we’re one step farther from perfecting our relationship.” I claimed, grinning big to the idea of it.

Levi’s hand stilled on my face. He gave me a puzzled look. “Is that so?”

Examining his face, I spotted a nervous flicker in his orbs and he was blinking more than usual. Our exchange of stares replaced a verbal conversation, but I didn't get what exactly had brought us to this tensed situation. So I just nodded to his question.

“I see.” Levi breathed out in a whisper and continued wiping the remaining black stains off my cheek. But this time he was doing it more slowly.

Bending my brows, mildy confused, I didn't take my eyes off Levi and tried to find out what was going on in his mind. His facial expression revealed only little to nothing and he didn't bother returning my stare, for he seemed to care about no more than the black colour on my skin that didn't belong there.

“Is there something wrong?” Eventually asking him that, I hoped for a more telling answer rather than some wasted and empty words that held no meaning in themselves.

“Yes, your face.”

I got what I hadn't asked for.

But I didn't linger on that any longer after that.

And yet…

At that time, I had wished to know what thoughts had roamed his mind.

~~~

With Levi’s picture framed up and decorating our bedroom, our coexisting life retracting to ordinary standards and we let things be as they came, as long as they didn't unwrapped themselves as a harm.

However, it was on a day past afternoon, when I was already home from work, that something happened that would test our bond, which had already been the case a few times before.

I was settled down on the couch in the living room, cross-legged, reading a book with my back bend forward, chin placed on my palm that was propped on my left knee. My day after work would often yield as such, for I usually needed to relax first when I got home. Needed to make it myself comfortable and cozy.

Not the door opening but being shut awfully harsh was what perked me up, ripped my eyes apart from the page I had been currently on, and out of reflex my head swung to the source of the noise.

I straightened my back, interest piqued, and spotted a deeply frowning Levi who was taking of his jacket and shoes angrily. As if he pooled all the negative emotions to that particular act.

“I assume work didn't go well? Or why else are you mad?” With a wary but also soft voice, I attempted to graze the problem - like a newborn getting used to his new environment - , all the while I observed Levi’s reaction. His face didn't loosen, but it didn't distort wholly with pure loathing either. He was simply angry with someone or something. Nothing unusal. “You don't have to tell me if you don’t wanna.” I clarified after a time of not getting an answer from him.

Levi rasped a breathy growl as he interlocked eyes with me, his frigid orbs staggered me as intensity lounged through my skull, but it wasn't like intimidation had managed to take hostage of me. Instead, I had engraved it to my mind to release Levi from his anger. For that, I guessed that talking would be the optimal solution.

So as he continued scowling glares into the room, I sent him an understanding smile and patted the seat beside me. Before, I had put my book away and have already reached that mental point where my skills of calming people down with my words were required. At least I hoped it’d work. Normally it would be the other way around and the possibility of me raging together with Levi – instead of doing the opposite – wasn’t very low.

A deep sigh later Levi had sat down beside me, plumping down gruffly and indifferent about any kind of manners right now. An airy wave of nicotine wafted to me, applying that Levi had smoked quite a few cigarettes on his way home.

“I’m back.” he murmured lowly, the anger cladding his voice rang out.

A hint of a smile crawled up the left corner of my lips. “Welcome home.” Perhaps this was a good start.

“Yeah, I’m fucking stressed, okay?! That’s not hard to guess, I think.” Levi didn't meet my eyes, albeit his yelling wasn't directed at me anyway. His fingers combed through his hair roughly once before they stilled on his temples, petite massaging movements kneaded his head as a his brows squelched exceedingly over his closed eyes. Seeing him like this had an upsetting effect on me so I brainstormed about possible ideas on how to relieve the mood. But words left Levi’s mouth earlier than mine. He went on ranting. “I can’t believe it. How could my day at work end up like this? Everyone was getting on my nerves with their stupidity. Co-workers couldn't get much work done properly today; clients asked for impossible things and didn't accept a decline; deadlines were pushed forward which made it really hard for me to do my work decently and efficiently in that pile of a mess! God, I’m so fucking done!”

To some extent, I could emphasize with him. I as well had memories of bad days at work; everyone had had them at some point. Of course it was only understandable that Levi was most likely glad to be at home, and I made it to my goal to spoil him and ease him. “That must have sucked. How about w—”

“So fucking done.” Levi meditated to himself, momentary staring at the ceiling. “What I need and want now is a good stress relief.”

My heart twisted and skipped a beat.

“Yeah.” His expression had softened noticibly, as though he was already thinking of something. “Fuck work, I can deal with that shit tomorrow. A good stress relief would indeed be perfect right now.”

I didn't process when it was that I fell into a freeze, cold chills speeding up my spine and causing my skin to curl with goosebumps as my eyes had parted horribly at that one certain eerie thought my shitty brain had produced just now—which I needn’t and honestly didn't want to care about at all. And yet the mere thought of it made me useless and motionless, staring blankly at a fixed point on Levi’s thigh.

Stress relief?

There was nothing wrong with that, but it didn't change the fact that part of my mind took a direction by the mention of it when being associated with Levi who had said it.

Levi didn't want… no, he wouldn't, right? My…

And before I knew it I found myself trapped in a hollow shell of anxiety.

“Say, Eren…” Only now did Levi turn around to me, and it was a matter of a second for me to realize that he shouldn't have done so.

The moment I sensed my body wincing at his words made me deteste myself for that. Own heart playing insane once more, I rose my attention to him. “Y—Yes?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I shouldn’t have done that! I shouldn't have reacted like this! This was awful.

Alarmed by this, Levi’s upper body straightened up. His face showed off pure concern, there was nothing else to be seen. And most importantly: The way he looked at me fused guilt with my blood; like poison scalding and stinging my soul.

“You startled.” he pointed out what I had regretted the instant I did it. His voice was what reached the depths of my self and clawed at me.

Desperately, seeing no other way out, I refused to verify the obvious. “N-No, I didn't. I-I didn't.” Shaking my head vigorously, I didn't take my eyes off him, observed him, but only spotted a Levi who was attempting to figure out where my sudden and unexpected behaviour stemmed from.

“You did. You did flinch.” He broke the distance between us and was as close as possible by my side, leaning forward. “Why did you react like that? Tell me.”

As he was trying to take my hands, I raised them to my chest and turned away. A shallow vacant smile sneaked up my lips, but it was totally out of place right now. As if I could fool him with that. “It’s nothing serious, really. I had just been in deep thoughts, that’s it.”

“There was something bugging you, right?”

“It’s nothing. Nothing important or worth to be mentioned. Just nonsense.”

“Eren.” Levi attempted a second time to grasp my hands and hold them dearly, and this time I let him. “Look at me. Please.” There was shame and guilt cursing my face with red cheeks and heated my ears, and I had to put much effort to bear eye contact with Levi. Teeth pressing down on my bottom lip, almost tearing it open, I waved my gaze slowly at him to which I got an agitated glance back. Levi tugged my hands farther towards his chest, being cautious and tender. “Nothing is nonsense when it is about your well-being. There’s something I had said or done just now that made you react like this. Please tell me what it was. Why did you startle?” That I didn't answer was because of my words revelling in my throat, willful, all I was able to do was to open my mouth only to close it again when nothingness was released. Even worse was how I had to swallow thickly, since there was some kind of lump joining the unspoken words in my throat. Both ate at me like parasites. “Please, Eren.” His genuine begging voice did things to me I didn't know how to feel about. “I want to understand you.”

Those words swirled the haunting thoughts in my mind and they roamed in such a way as if they woke me up from a gloomy daydream.

He wanted… to understand me…

Understanding and support. Things I had a special connection to because they held a significant meaning in my life. After everything I experienced, I could even go as far as to say that I and understanding and support interdepended.

“When…” I drew out of my lips, surprised at how raspy I sounded. “When you mentioned stress belief, I was unwillingly remembered by… our… the time before our relationship when… when a situation where you were stressed or annoyed was usually followed by me…” I could sense my inner self scorning me for my inability to finish my sentence. Hell, I was unable to form one coherent sentence in the first place. “Sorry. I just didn't want to remember…”

I freed my hands from Levi’s grasp and was about to bury my head in them, but Levi didn't let me, stroked one of my cheeks as I dedicated myself again to averting my gaze.

“Eren.”

Like a spell, his voice reached my ears. Trailed inside my head and sullied my mind as a kind of possession. And not much later I was scooted closer to Levi by his hands that shoved me carefully, holding my hips. We had been physically close to each other before, but now my legs laid next to each side of his waist on the sofa. I was practically wrapping myself around his waist; not sitting _on_ his lap, but was really close to, that was how close he had brought me to him. Hands limp at my sides, I peered from the corner of my eyes and spotted Levi’s face leaning close to me; until his lips brushed my right cheek, placing a chaste kiss there. Then I felt his warm breath next to my ear.

“You thought I was going to try to persuade you to having sex with me because of the load of stress I wanted to get rid of?”

Again shivers rushed up my body, but this time it was triggered off by Levi’s closeness that evoked a sense of trust and safety in me.

Eventually I felt strong and brave enough to wrap my arms around Levi’s neck and look him deep in the eyes as everything else around us spun in a way that it was sent to oblivion for the time being; only Levi and I existed right here and right now.

“I didn't say I thought that. In fact, I didn't. I was just reminded of… Pathetic, I know.”

“No, it isn't.“ Levi insisted promptly, and his hold around my waist tightened. Just like that, we savoured the moment by solely exchanging looks in utter silence. Let alone the fact that I was on the brink of suffering from muteness because of the prior incident that wasn’t talked over yet tucked at my nerves, and the anxious feeling of becoming more clueless about how to deal with the situation increased exponentially.

I sighed in exhaustion, and it didn't go unseen by Levi.

“Listen,” His tender hands travelled down my thighs to my knees, lingered there before they made their way back, feeling more sensitive on my clothed skin when they traced their way a second time on my legs. Though instead of going back to my waist, Levi spread his fingers to rest his hands on the sides of my thighs, his thumbs occasionally drawing circling movements on my sweatpants. His gaze fell down to my thighs, then to my stomach, my chest, neck and finally he stared back into my eyes, which emerald colour was probably dreary and desolate from my internal – _my emotional_ – fatigue. I thought that listening to Levi’s words that were vocalized next would be everything I needed right now, no matter what the meaning behind them would be, but the instant his words left his mouth – so beautifully said and loving – I could sense my inner worth and pride sprouting. “Your body is worth of love and eternal preciousness. I’ve used it too much for my own satisfaction, but I know now that this was wrong. Wrong and disrespectful of me. And I’m sorry for that.”

“I’m not entirely innocent in this, though. After all I let you do those things to me. The whole time I had been aware of what I had agreed to.”

Levi was caught in a short silence, but his body stirred then. His hands did that stroking movement again and they halted on the same spot on my upper legs as before. Meanwhile, I had readjusted my hold around his neck. Had enclosed him with my arms even more.

“I want to appreciate you in very way possible. Give you everything I never conveyed to you before because of my indifference and inability to do so.”

Levi's hand reached up to my face and brushed a single strand away from my forehead and his fingers entangled themselves in my hair. My eyelids fluttered to that feathery touch and I could hear my own heartbeat throbbing frantically.

Actually there was no reason for me to panic from an anxiety attack. Sex shouldn't be a tabooed issue between us. After all Levi and I used to fuck several times a week and I used to give myself and my body to him shamelessly and willingly time and again, so it should be an implausible option to argue with being too timid or intimidated to uncover myself in front of him. So many times did I submit myself to him. Offered my body in return of staying by his side. It had been sex without feelings being considered on Levi’s side, but since things have changed now this was actually nothing to waste a thought on. A part of my life had ended and I had started a new section with the person I love and who, I hoped, would feel the same in some sort of way. However, there was that irrational part of me that couldn't dismiss the past that easily. It used this sensitive vulnerability to fuel my insecurity about the question of when to have sex again.

And with every new load of insecurity, I sunk deeper into the conviction that I couldn't move on. My numbness and stagnation were a hindrance to our relationship; an obstacle that still had to be crushed down.

“It’s not like I’m against pointless sex or using sex as stress relief.” After what seemed like infinity, I had finally pulled myself as much together as to being able to speak out intelligible and reasonable words. Mind cleared again for most of the part, only a few clouds left fogging parts of my brain, every fiber of my senses were merged and used to make me function again. Heart beat throttling, goosebumps flattening, a profuse amount of hormones dashing through my blood. “We can still have those, but…” It was unclear to me why a little blush of shame would paint my cheeks now, but it did. “I want to do it whenever I feel like doing it. Not only when you’re feeling like it. I have always submitted myself to you and given you everything you wanted anytime. I didn’t mind because I loved you, even though my love wasn’t returned. Now my love for you is more vivid than ever before, so I prefer my body not to get used like that one of a whore’s.”

In that expansion of stillness that reeled up, I prayed that Levi understood my point. Tender sex, rough fucking, doing it outside the privacy of our home; blowjobs, handjobs, sex as entertainment, sex as boredom killer, sex as stress relief; all these were things I wouldn't disagree with, but I didn't want them to be the same as they used to be prior.

“I’ll never ever use your body again for my own advantages. I’ll only touch you when you want me to.”

Oh. Now that he said it, I remember having told him that I wasn't ready to have sex with him yet. Nothing about that had changed up until now, and – judging from my own perspective – it would remain as that for a while; I couldn't define a time span for “for a while”. I chewed on my bottom lip. “It has been _such a long time_ since we were last intimate. To be honest, sometimes it is still unbelievable for me that certain things led me to treat my body chastely and untouched. Perhaps you’ve become tired of me by now.”

“That’s not true. Don’t even think about that.” Levi retorted; severe and resolved. If I had had enough strength, I’d have pulled up a smile, but all my mouth could form was an erratic twitch. Face laid between his hands, Levi directed my gaze, which had probed to trail off just now, to him. “Eren, your body isn’t the reason I’m staying with you. Things are different now. You are the one who told me that over and over again. Didn't you?”

Unexpectedly, some sorts of positive emotions began to harbour in my chest and aroused motion around my lips.

Though, it leveled out to a hurt smile very quickly. “I don’t know when I’ll be ready to be intimate with you, though. I can’t tell. I’m sorry.”

“That’s nothing you have to apologize for.” A pause. “Eren,” My name being called out by him threw me off my sanity and logic reasoning, and my brain floating in a lake of sensitivity. Closing my eyes, I sighed quietly, a moany tone escaping at most, and my blood prickled hotly.

“Yeah?” I hummed softly, brows lifting scarcely as I allowed myself to get carried away—momentarily blind and reckless.

_Eren. Eren. Eren. God, let me hear more of your voice!_

“Eren, I…” My eyes unleashed, and what they sighted flipped me back to reality in an instant. Levi looked attentive, full of concentration, with greyness glooming in his eyes like wild fire in the woods. His hands were retreated to my shoulder and I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed thickly. He hesitated and struggled.

With expectations that evened my back to a straight line, I sensed the mood literally swapping and even though there hadn’t come many hints from Levi, my inner self was revolving around one certain thought, only that one, as everything else lost its meaning in my head.

_Yes. Yes, yes, yes. What do you want to tell me?_

I watched him with big eyes, bright and pure and lucid and held him by his upper arms. Although remaining silent with my heart throbbing beind heard in the background of my head, I tried to tell him wordlessly that I would listen to anything he had to say. To anything he wanted to get off his chest. To anything he couldn't awake until now.

“I…” Levi tried again and slowly but certainly insecurity itself was showing off on his face by brows twitching and lips staying closed after a few attempts. Then, he sighed and with that he breathed out the ephemeral hope. “I’m hungry. Aren't you, too?”

My heart dropped to my stomach and it took me a while to understand what happened just now.

Levi backed down?

“Oh…” My throat felt dry, the words coming out fake and improvisatory. “Yeah… actually, yeah. Sorry, but I haven’t cooked anything yet.” It was hard for me not to notice that my voice was faltering with blame.

“I’ll go and make us something.” Levi rose to his feet and with no more than a few quick glances at me, as though he tried to avoid looking at my general direction, he walked away and steered to the kitchen.

I stayed still, observing his every movement. There wasn't an invisible hand – a reassurance, a savior in the misery – pulling at me and dragging me off the couch and towards Levi. Where was that motivation that was supposed to kick my ass and rip me off from my shameful behaviour?

I mustn't do nothing. I had to go there. Tell Levi that everything was alright. He didn't have to force himself to things he couldn't do or say yet. My love for him didn't vary depending on the display of affection he endowed me with.

And with that, I stumbled to my feet and rushed to the kitchen. At the doorway to the kitchen, I halted and my inner part whined.

That Levi pressed one fist against his eyesocket as the other one clawed into the counter, knuckles fading to a white, as if he was punishing and scolding himself, broke my heart; merely the sight of it made my chest bleed tears.

Impulsively, solely lead by primitive instincts, I hurried to him without wasting a second thought on in. I didn't care how I should approach him, but at the same time making plans was out of my current scope.

By framing my arms around him, tightly enough to transfer my body heat from under my clothes to him, I embraced Levi from behind and my lips pressed on his ear endearingly. “It’s okay. It’s fine. You don’t have to say it.”

Levi hadn't stirred much when I attacked him with my hug, but he did rearrange his composure the moment my presence reached him. Slightly tilting his head back at me, he grabbed one of my enclosing arms.

“Three words. Just… three words.”

“Those three words are holding a very powerful and deep meaning. No one said it’s easy to utter them out loud.”

“But I’ve heard you saying it so many times now. Why can’t I…?”

“Everyone is different in handling their feelings. Some are more open about them, others cautious or more restrained. Nevertheless, it isn't a misfortune or shame to be the one and not the other. Also, things might change in the future if you give it enough time.”

Levi had listened to my words thoughtfully and nodded after that. “Okay.”

To build up his confidence, I smudged a wet kiss on his cheek. “You are doing well.”

He didn't give me a response to this, but instead he turned around and took my hand again, the same way as before, on the couch. “You can wait in the living room. Watching me cook is boring anyway.”

Such a subtle note convoyed by his voice, but enough for me to grasp the meaning behind it.

This time it was me nodding. “Alright.”

I respected it. I respected his decision of spending little time alone for himself right now. I’d open up paths to everything, if it meant to satisfy Levi’s wishes with that. I took my steps backwards, letting go of him in the process and vanished back to the living room.

There, I wasted time cuddling myself into a blanket as I reflected my own thoughts on things that happened to scrape my mind. Before I knew it, the total silence and apathy made me tired, and with my head laying on a pillow I fell into a short sleep.

_“I didn’t know that I left such a bad influence on you. I’m sorry for making you go through deep struggles. I wish I knew a way to show you my regrets and apologies.”_

When I woke up from my light slumber, my senses fluttering between the realm of reality and illusion – eyelids jittering the same –, there were two things that caught me up first. One, these words which I couldn't categorize to reality nor to imagination yet. Two, a stroking finger on my cheek.

My gaze switched from one side to the othery, disorientated at first before I realized where I was, what I had been doing prior and what had happened in general at all. I squirmed in my sleeping spot, and Levi pulled his finger away from my face.

As much as I loved that tiny stroke of tenderness, something else struck my mind.

Those words just now… Were they real? Did Levi really…?

I raised myself to a sitting position, looked up to him, and saw pure blankness on his face. Right now, he wasn't revealing _any_ emotions to me. I wondered why that was…

“Did you say something?” I asked as casually as currently possible, yawned and rubbed one eye.

I was staring into dull steel-grey nothingness before Levi’s face warmed up. Though at that moment it was controversial to me how to interpret his contradicting behaviour.

His answer didn't dissolve the confusion.

“I said dinner is ready.”

~~~

The next day at work I couldn't get my thought off yesterday’s occurrences. There were things that I wanted to interrogate in my mind deeper and more thoughtfully, but I didn't find a good way to start with it nor did I have a clue where it would lead me to.

Early in my office, first thing I did was to sit comfortably on my office chair, legs crossed and resting on my desk, and my tablet pen balanced above my upper lip. With my arms crossed behind my head, I leant back in my seat, closed my eyes, wallowed in my own world.

Sometimes even a small hum would sound off, but most of the time I debated. Debated, debated, and debated even more.

Levi and I…

Our relationship…

Where in our relationship were we right now?

Was it good or was it bad?

Did I do my best at supporting him?

Did I do enough for him? For us?

Was it needed for me to input and invest more in our relationship?

All I wanted was for Levi to feel comfortable, especially around me, and reveal openly his feelings and thoughts to me.

Time passed, and I didn't make any progress from then on. Not spending many thoughts on it excessively was likely the best I guessed. In other words – not only because I thought so but also because it was my actual duty – I opted for doing my wor—

“Woah!” Suddenly, a nudge on my pen under my nose that caused it to fall off my face activated my reflexes rapidly and while my gaze was concentrated on the falling black pen, trying to catch it before it’d hit the floor, along the way the noise of work sheets being discarded from my desk by my feet filled the air.

It was on all my fours that I ended up in, the item resting on my cupped palms. I turned my head back to the whoever dared playing such a joke on me.

“Armin, my tablet pen almost dropped to the floor!” I hadn’t moved from my narrow place, the pen protected by my hands as though it was the holy cross.

Armin shone a sunbright smile at me, the finger that flipped my pen over still raised high in the air. He giggled cutely. “You may have caught your pen, but instead more than half of the content on your desk is kissing the floor now.”

“This is _not_ funny!” Finally I scurried to my feet, wiping off any dust on my knees or shirt.

As I collected my sheets, Armin was lending me a hand. “I rarely see you this tensed and concentrated at work. Are you alright?”

I took the papers he gave me, placed them on my desk, flattening some of them, as if Armin hadn't asked me a question just now, breathed out a loud exhalation and then I eventually met eyes with him. “I’m totally fine. Was just in thoughts.”

Of course Armin would take his time to weigh my answer and judge my behaviour from it. “Is everything alright between you and Levi?” Curiosity ghosted over his voice. Curiosity disguised as genuine concern. Or perhaps it was the other way around.

“Yeah,” It was difficult to reply to something not even I could give myself a concrete answer to. But in the end, I was probably just overreacting. So I sparkled a honest smile at him. “Yeah. Everything is alright between us. We’re doing well in our relationship. Making steps forward, you know.”

Blinking once, Armin then returned my beaming expression. “That’s good to hear.”

“What are you doing in my office anyway?” I questioned after a short while, wondering, but couldn't think of a plausible reason.

“I knew you’d ask that; now that I saw what you did when you were supposed to work— _together with me_ , actually. Today is the day we have to work on that project Mr Pixis assigned us with. Two companies are involved in this as our clients.”

The penny has dropped. “Ohhhh, yeah. I remember now. That project. Fine, let’s do this. Where?”

“I suggest to go to my office. I already have every necessary material set up. You just need to take your laptop, drawing tablet and your precious _tablet pen_ with you.”

“Don’t mock me.” The edges of my lips twitched to a smirk, the false expression since I had actually planned to sulk sadly.

Armin was making his way outside, I stepped up to him, and he rendered as lyrical as an actor in a Shakesperan play. “You had to look at yourself. Threw yourself onto the floor to save your small pen, as though it was as fragile as glass. And you caught it. Held it as if you were holding a baby in your arms.” He obviously went too far because the way he hugged himself to underline his theatrical pose looked almost too hilarious.

“Chill, it’s just a pen.”

“Says the one who executed that rescue mission just now.”

“You’re being really mean, Armin. Why are you doing this to me?” I pretended to sniff.

Armin chuckled and held the door open for me.

“Brave men first.” he waved a hand towards the corridor ahead of us.

“One more word and that project with you is history.”

There was generous amusement visible on my face as I passed him, and Armin followed right after me.

During our project I’d find for sure something to get my revenge on him.

\- - -

**Levi**

The girl had finally ended her soliloquizing speech. With expectant eyes, she stared at me; a bright colour of rosy amber speckling her pupils. She waited, had one hand placed on the other on the counter, and didn't express any more syllabe. I had to answer.

“Well, now this took quite a long time. You versed it very well, I guess.” I hoped this was a decent first answer because there had been nothing more suitable that my brain could produce right now. “I will take them all. You still remember the amount I told you at the beginning?”

“Yes, of course.” While her voice had sounded lively and serene a few minutes ago, she had gone back to talking with a professional and discreet tone.

“Alright. Oh, and give me a copy of those you enumerated just now. You don’t expect me to have kept everything in mind, do you?”

“No, of course not. I will do that right away.”

“Good.” As she prepared my order, I used the time to take out my phone and send Eren a message.

There was a bit of hesitation at first, the haunting doubt howling above my head at occasional times—especially when it had a connection to Eren or our relationship; no matter to what degree. Just the mere thought of it had the power to smutch me with insecurity.

But that shouldn’t be the case anymore from now on.

Breathing in and out deeply washed most worries away and I began writing my message.

_‘I’m going to pick you up from work today.’_

That should do. After sending it, I spotted the lady staring at me again, still, silent, and she weaved a soft smile at me.

I raised one brow. “Is there something wrong?” I asked, casual, pocketing my phone.

She shook her head lightly. “No, not at all. Just…” Her eyes shot upwards as though they were searching for words on the ceiling. Then they settled on me. Honest and kind. “I wish you good luck.”

There was a long period where I just stared at her expressionlessly, unsure of how to reply, or react, or feel.

So did that mean I needed luck with this…?

\- - -

**Eren**

“Okay, and the other one wants high res vector graphics?”

“Yes.” Armin answered naturally.

“Alright.” My eyes flipped from the instructions on the paper to my laptop screen and I worked out the last refinements. All the while I had bounced off my surrounding almost completely, sometimes the blond colour of Armin’s bob would catch my gaze, but that was basically it.

“You’re slow, Eren.”

“I am not! You’re just too hard-working.” I counterattacked, and - as though I hadn't been interrupted just now - brought my work to perfection. Not only did I want to perform very good results, but I also wanted to do so as fast as possible because unlike me Armin had already finished like half an hour ago, even though we had split up the work in an equal amount for both of us.

I waste a single stare to monitor what Armin was doing the last thirty minutes, but frankly speaking I could already guess at least one thing.

“Ha! Here, finished!” A victorious yell coming from me swelled up in the room. I threw my arms high in the air and cocked my head back.

“Congratulations.” Oh, how much the implicit sarcastic undertone was mocking me. Armin had really fun jokingly ridiculing me today, huh?

I was about to send him a pointed glare, but my facial muscles softened as soon as I looked at the thing in his hands.

There on top of his palms lay a folded figurine.

Armin’s huge smile beamed radiances. He tilted his head to the side in a way that had his right cheek almost touching the origami, his silky blond locks creating a pretty background to the folded piece of paper.

“It’s a swan.” he cooed happily and I didn't know it was possible for him to grin even wider.

This was one of Armin’s habits. Whenever he had to wait for someone or something to happen, he’d grab anything that was remotely close to being folded properly that was within his reach and then he’d craft origami figures. This time he had used one of the yellow post-its on his desk.

I couldn't do else than to return his positive vibe, and without noticing it it appeared that I stared a bit too long because Armin registered that now.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re trapped in an fancy daydream.”

I winced lightly for a second, but composed myself right away. “Yeah, I’m fine.” The look I received from him told me that he had some worries lef that he _needed_ to clarify. So I did him that favor. “It’s just… I’m glad that everything is alright between us again.”

Armin tugged a few curls behind his ear that fell down right after. “And I’m glad to see you all fine. It seems you and Levi are on really good terms?”

“He is…” To my own surprise, I blushed faintly at this and showed off slight timidness. My tablet pen became a toy to be twirled and flipped over between my fingers. “He is the only one who can complete me. And right now I feel complete. I can finally say that my life is fulfilled, so to speak. There are some _things_ that could sweeten our lives even more, but I’m not demanding them necessarily. I don't have to ask for more because I’m already satisfied. All I need is him.”

“You said that so wonderfully.” Armin murmured more to himself. Then his attention was back at our project. “Alright. You’ve finished, right? Good. Everything we had to have finished by today is finished. And…” Vibrant blue orbs turned to the clock. “just in time. It’s time for us to go home.”

“Yay!” I stretched myself, half-yawning.

Armin gathered his things, we went to my office after that to pick up my own ones, made a little halt at Sasha's desk to report our current update on our project and not much later we were dismissed.

It was in the entrance hall, close to the main entrance door that'd lead outside that I decided to check my phone as I’d usually do after work. Thousand wings of butterflies lapped against the inside of my stomach when I read Levi’s name on my display, although I shouldn't get flustered when finding out that he’d sent me a message. This was certainly not the first time he did that and it wouldn't be the last time either.

“I got a message from Levi.” We didn't stop walking as I stated this, Armin hummed in response, considerate, and I smiled at my phone before I opted for opening the text. My thumb had already been wafting over the screen when—

“There you are.” Levi’s head popped up from outside, appearing right in front of us. He had spoken fast and full with steadiness.

As a reaction, I jumped up at his sudden attack, let out a cry, and, instinctively, my arms wrapped themselves around something at arm reach for protection. That “something” happened to be Armin.

“Don’t scare me like that!” I complained in a yell, holding tighter onto Armin who was lightly writhing under my rigid hold. But he also giggled.

Levi’s gaze whipped from me to Armin and Armin to me repeatedly before he pulled up a perfect brow. “Oi, why are you hugging him? You should hug me.” He approached us, took my arms away from Armin’s shoulders and placed them on his own ones instead. In return, his hands snaked around my waist. There was an irritated scowl directed at Armin evident on his face at first, but it faded as hastily as it had appeared.

“Why are you here to pick me up? I mean, I don't mind of course, but it’s rare for you to do that.” I rearranged some locks above his forehead that looked a bit out of place where they hang down.

“You’ll find out soon.” was his short answer and with that I assumed it was pointless to ask for further details. Levi continued. “Let’s go. I’m sure blondie c—”

“ _Armin_.” A growling sternness errupted from the depths of my throat. “His name is Armin.” Feeling genuinely attacked, I beckoned to Levi to correct himself with my glare.

“O-Oh, it’s okay, Eren.” Armin meant, whitewashing.

“No, it isn't.” I replied, and raised one brow at Levi, enough to tell him what I wanted to hear.

He rolled his eyes, sighed with annoyance which I couldn't understand at all because he wasn't the one allowed to be annoyed right now. “Fine. I’m sure that _Armin_ can go home alone from here on. Right?”

Armin nodded at him eagerly as a smile lit up on his face. “Certainly. You two don’t have to look after me. See you tomorrow, Eren.”

“See ya.”

He patted my shoulder once and dashed off mere seconds later.

“Let’s go, too.” Levi took me by my hand and lead me to his car that was parked right in front of the Pixis Corporation entrance. How on earth did he manage to get such a convenient parking lot?!

Having arrived at his car, Levi turned me and him in a way so that we were facing each other, not getting inside the car yet.

He took out a cloth. “Wear this here.”

“What is that?”

“A blindfold.”

“Blind—…”

“This is not what you think it is. I just need you to be blindfolded because there’s something I wanna show you.”

“Uh, okay.” I let him blind me temporarily with that piece of fabric, inwardly wondering what it was he wanted to show me.

“Now you can get inside the car. I’ll help you.” Cautiously I was settled on the passenger seat. Levi joined me on the left side, checked my blindfold again. He ignited the engine, pulled out of the parking lot and most of the time the drive was spent in silence. Here and there I had asked him the same question over and over again.

“Where are we going? What do you have planned?”

“Patience.”

“That doesn't sound like a familiar place to me.” I bit my lips to my own joke.

“That’s because it isn’t a place.” Levi responded, as if I had been serious just now.

At some point I gave it up and remained muted for the rest of the ride. Surprisingly, the drive hadn’t taken too long.

Levi helped me out and guided me to whatever place we were at right now. Even though I was blindfolded, I wasn't taking steps highly cautiously like everyone would do in my place and neither did I feel wary. For that Levi was too good at giving me precise descriptions and instructions of when to place a foot where.

The few staircases we took and the fact that we were standing in a hallway right now, lead me to guesses that seemed to obvious.

“Isn’t this our apartment?”

“Yes.” he said, not faltering.

“Then why did you blindfold me?”

“You’ll see.” I heard a jingle of a bunch of keys being taken out. One key was scratching against the metal lock, scraping and jarring, and all of a sudden the whole bundle was dropped to the floor. "Fuck."

“Nervous?” I asked rather jokingly.

“Yes.” And I honestly didn’t expect for Levi to give me an answer as serious as this.

With his second attempt, the door finally unlocked and I was the first one being directed inside.

“For real, though, Levi. What is the meaning of this? You’ve made me so curious.” In my mind, I went even as far as to debate whether today had been some kind of anniversary. But that was impossible because we hadn't even reached the one year mark beginning from the time we met the very first time.

As long as my narrowed down orientation wasn't playing tricks with me, I was certain that we were in the living room right now.

A crispy and vivid odor, slightly exotic, swayed in the air and tingled in my nose, having a sweet touch to it.

“Are you ready?” Levi’s fingers were at the knot on the back of my head. He fidgeted.

Seriously though, what was going on here?

“The whole time already.” I exclaimed, producing a little carefree laughter.

And while I hadn’t realized it up until now, I suddenly became silent and for the first time did I probably understand what was happening here.

Something significant was going to happen. Levi wanted to show me something, but I didn't know what it was. He felt nervous because of this and I noticed only now that I was actually really fidgety, too.

I wasn't prepared for the thing, but I wanted to see it so badly!

“For you.” Levi breathed out with a low tone, voice rumbling softly.

He took off my blindfold. I blinked a few times, adjusted to the brightness. My eye widened at the sight in front of me.

I was overwhelmed by an ocean of flowers.

Bright and pale, petite and grand, smooth and prominent, exotic and extraodinary. Hundreds of petals expanded in front of my eyes, and I was washed away by their wave of beauty.

“Oh my…” I croaked, drought whirring in my throat and tongue numb.

A faint shiver of overpowering bliss covered my body, and a hearty chill warmed me up from inside.

Levi positioned himself next to me. “Eren.” he called out my name like a worshipper.

“Y-Ye…” More wouldn't slip through my lips that trembled in astonishment.

Levi went on nevertheless, spoke calmly. “Do you know long we used to know each other before we became a couple?”

“T-Ten…”

“Yeah, right. Ten months. And in those ten months we used to be fuck buddies for six months.”

Unable to force my eyes away from the pretty image, I only listened to Levi’s voice, from the corner of my eye his stature was hinted in form of a silhouette.

“Six months. That’s 183 days.” An arm being stretched forward thrust into my vision. He pointed at the colourful pool of roses. “These are 183 bouquets of different flowers.” The magnificent double-overwhelming power his words summoned choked me from the inside, on every part of my body. My breath was cut off for a moment, that’s how bursting his words were to me. Wrenching deliberately at my heart. “None of them looks the same as the other. But there is one thing that links all of them together. Some more than the other, but the connection between all those does exist.”

Wrung into my own world, so blissful and marvelous created by Levi's words, there was no way for me to form any coherent thoughts or words right now—his act struck me beautifully hard.

“It’s love.” Levi added.

“Oh my god…” With shaky fingers, I cupped my mouth and the bridge of my nose, eyes pressed shut as wetness accumulated slowly under my eyelids.

“Each of them represents love of any kind in some way, and I was told that it depended heavily on their appearance. I chose 183 pieces because that’s the amount of days I owe you, spent in love.”

“S-Stop…” I attempted to get that word out of my vocal system, but it was released in an inaudible whisper.

“It was for six months that I didn't give my attention to your feelings.”

_Oh my god, Levi, please, stop. I can’t…_

“183 days where I didn't appreciate your love.”

_Please, please, please. Stop. Stop right there and then. I won’t be able to…_

“4392 hours I want to return to you by giving you love.”

My body shivered thoroughly from all the affection Levi promised me. I wanted to look at him, answer him, kiss him, hold him close to me. But I couldn't do any of these. My feet were frozen in place, and it seemed to be an impossible task for me to open my eyes in the first place.

If I opened them now, I wouldn't be able to handle myself and my surroundings. I wouldn't be able to function like an ordinary human being.

Levi’s voice had approached me, it sounded off closer to my ear. Other than his voice, Levi didn't leave touches on me in any other way.

“I’m aware of not being a perfect boyfriend. I think I can ever ever be one.” Levi used a little break to punctuate what was leaving his mouth next. “I’m sorry.”

“To me, you are already perfect.” The one and only intelligible sentence I had been able to vocalize. It may be that my voice had failed giving it a firm and steady tone, but it had been loud enough to reach him, even though it had to break through my hands that were coating my mouth.

“But I’ll try my best at being a good boyfriend to you.” Levi went on, as if he overheard me on purpose. He had planned all this flawlessly: the flowers, his speech, the meaning behind his act. So he would stick to his plan until the end, whatever may come or interrupt him. “I hope you understand now how sorry I am for having hurt your feelings.”

“I—…” _I told you time and again that I have already forgiven you!_

“It is physically impossible to do that because one can't change the past anymore, but I don’t care. I want to give those 183 days back to you. Whenever you look at those flowers – each and everyone of them – remember my words. It’s a promise. I want to atone for the things I fucked up. I will give you what you had missed and wished for in those six months.”

Oh my god… I didn't know that Levi had the power to wreck me and build me up afterwards. Stir my emotions and have control over them. Make me cry and make me worthy. Show me hell and show me heaven.

My arms lost its strength and fell limp to my sides, and as I had my head dropped, fighting back tears, my shoulders quivered uncontrollably.

“Forgive me.”

_I…_

“Trust me.”

_This…_

“Please let me treat you lovingly with my kind of affection.”

_Believe me, there's nothing else I would want more…_

“Because you are the most precious person in my life.”

_Oh my god!_

“And that will never change.”

_Levi, I…_

“I love you, Eren.”

As though a signal whizzed through my blood and gave my body its vitality back, I turned my head to him, and by now the tears were pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks. Inwardly everything inside me exploded into an enormous dust of emotionality. I cried silently and trembled, my very own vulcano strutted every bit of tears out of me. I had to wipe off my face literally constantly, until my skin would be rubbed raw and red. But I had to do this because I _needed_ to look Levi in the eyes. I _had_ to look at him crystal cleary. _Had_ to know about his momentary state.

Blinking the bothersome tears away, I finally got to see his face unblurred. He had fallen into a silence after his confession and now I saw him having his gaze lowered, brows crinkled and his lips were parted. He remained like his for a while, either shocked or surprised at his own words. As if he had stopped mid-sentence and didn't know what to do.

“Lev-i…” I cried hoarsely, desperately seeking his attention. My heart was pumping frantically inside my chest, overtook my whole body and controlled me wholly.

Levi closed his eyes, a few seconds passed, and then his expression softened, admirable relief spread over his face, and he smiled. Smiled an adorable felicity at me, and turned the whole world upside down with that.

“Yeah. That’s right. I love you.”

Mindlessly, so damn fogged by my feelings, I rushed to Levi, buried my fingers in his undercut and our lips clashed. I was tasting my own salty tears around my mouth as I kissed him passionately and cried. The sobs that would leak in between were ignored by both of us and Levi returned my kiss after recomposing himself from my sudden attack. He embraced me by my waist and pulled me up a bit, kissing back with less ferocity than me. A mixture of cries and little moans surged through my wet and swollen lips and I lost my senses once again, caring about nothing else than kissing Levi.

When he parted from me I was breathless and wobbly on my knees, senseless and a sobbing wreck.

Levi held my face and let our foreheads touched.

“I love you, too. I love you so much, Levi.” I sobbed, had to gulp down hard and get rid of the tightness in my throat. I was barely able to look him in the eyes. Unlike me, Levi had stayed so calm and collected, it was a mystery to me how that was able.

He swept the back of his hand over my cheeks, wiping off some tears. All the while so fond and lovely. “Are you crying in happiness?”

I nodded rigorously, clutching his shirt. “You succeeded in giving me the most beautiful and heart-wrenching love confession ever. I don’t think I can recover from this so soon.” For an undefined reason I started to chuckle, hiding my face in Levi’s shirt. His hug was firmer but oh so tender. Sniffing and smiling and blushing, I sucked in the comfort of being embraced by him.

His hugs and kisses were something I would never ever get tired of. Something I would recognize anytime.

~~~

“They are so beautiful.” I claimed for the thousandth time now, staring down at the flowers that Levi and I had placed on the floor around our bed. Like this, there was no way to go to and away from the bed without having to pass by the beautiful roses—each of them pretty in its own unique way.

“There’s a list of all their names on my nightstand. Names and the meanings behind each of them. One day wasn’t enough for me to keep their names and meanings in mind in order to verse them in front of you.”

A little shade of pink blotted over my face. I shifted a loving gaze at him. “That’s so sweet of you to even consider it. But, really, you wouldn't have to go that far for me. It’s already breathtaking enough to get gifted with these many bouquets. Not just a random amount but… You overwhelmed me so much at once, I’m still shivering from the excitement.”

Levi gazed at the flowers on the floor, caught in his own thoughts. “You should have listened to the flower shop lady reciting these flowers. You would have loved it.”

“I’m satisfied enough, trust me. I don’t need to listen to it. Those flowers are a gift from _you_ , and that already makes me so in love.” I followed his eyes and admired the petals splattered under our feet. “The idea of waking up to these is the second beautiful thing to wake up to, and it gives me fuzzy feelings.”

“Is it a waste to ask you what the most beautiful thing you wake up to is? Because I think I know the answer.” Levi asked, so clueless about my hints that he had to even guess it when the answer was he himself.

I chuckled. “Yeah. You are the first thing I love to wake up to.”

His eyes avoid mine at first, a tint of pink emerged on his pale cheeks. He clutched his shirt. “I feel flattered.”

Another short giggle rose from my lips as I waved a hand in a way that beckoned him over. When the distance between us was narrowed to zero, I fiddled my fingers with his locks, sent him a timid look before I leant his head towards my face and our lips met a second time. It wasn't messy or rushed this time, rather beginning slow and lovingly. However, when I lowered myself to the bed and dragged Levi with me (one of his knees was place between my legs, so he wasn't really sitting on me), I moved my lips faster, sucked and licked, using my tongue. Levi adjusted his kiss to mine, returned it just as eagerly as me. Our tongues lapped at each other and sucking sounds filled the room. The wet and sensual kiss was soon accompanied by low moans on my part, while Levi cupped one of my cheeks to kiss me better. Greedier. Messier. Faster.

As he did so, my hands wandered down his back until they were just above his waistband, where his shirt went under his pants. Hesitant at first, I slipped my fingers inside and pulled up his neat white shirt, up to his waist.

That was when Levi broke from our kiss and saw me deep in the eyes. The greyness in his orbs swayed between a light pale colour and a deep lustful metallic. He grabbed one of my wrists, caging me with an intense look.

“Are you sure?” he growled a whisper.

I took a second to respond, but it wasn't because I wanted to think twice of it. There was nothing to think about. “Yes.” I nodded heavily. “Please. I want you, Levi. I want to feel your skin on mine.”

Levi looked at my lips, pressed a kiss there, and as he withdrew I chased after his lips that tasted too good not to touch. Just as a drug addict loved his drugs, I couldn't get enough of Levi’s kisses.

_“More.”_

I didn't realize right away that I had breathed that word out, and Levi heard it well and clearly.

His fingercups grazed the side of my face and I leant into it; attracted to his touch like a magnet.

“Tell me if you start feeling uncomfortable at some point and I’ll stop.”

“Mm.”

The hum being all I could form right now, I watched Levi pull his shirt off over his head through fluttering half-lidded eyes. The second his flawless upper-naked body was presented to me my breath caught in awe. I wouldn't have thought that after so many weeks of deprivation I would crave his body as much as right now. The sight left me breath- and speechless, smitten with that muscular beauty. My fingers failed to have a taste of his sixpack, but I leant my head forward. As Levi moved towards me, my lips caught his neck and I mouthed at him hungrily, taking in his natural body scent with my kisses I planted on him. My kisses and licks and loud breaths violated his perfect body, meanwhile Levi was busy unbuttoning my shirt.

I wanted this. I wanted this so badly. Too much time has already passed and since I finally felt ready to do it, I had become impatient as fuck.

“Levi, hurry, please. You must have missed it too, right?”

“It doesn't matter whether I have missed it or not. For me it was more important to know when you would be ready.”

“I am ready. I want you. Now. Please.”

In less than a minute Levi had discarded both of us from our clothes—he had told me to stay still, but of course that had been sheer impossible for me to do, so instead I had peppered him with kisses on places on his body my mouth could reach. Some spots were lightly reddened from my sucks and bites.

Laying flatly on my back, both of us stark narked, Levi was hovering above me, palms positioned next to the sides of my face, kneeling between my parted legs. We had given ourselves in to yet another long kiss, couldn't keep our mouths away from each other. I gave his raven hair a tug and he responded with his thumbs roaming my nipples in circles.

I bucked my chest up to his touch, even though the feeling of my nipples being played with was still something I couldn't get used to so well so far. Or maybe my reaction originated from the fact that I actually liked how Levi had the ability to make me feel strangely good while my nipples were being touched by him.

Levi retreated his face from mine, though not without gifting me with lusting eyes, hazy behind a curtain of glooming heat.

My dick was semi-erected, but I knew that this would change very soon because the way he looked at me was all I needed to see to know that Levi would use his unavoidable attractiveness to make me weak but also hot for him. Even with tender strokes he’d be able to make me come hard.

Levi’s lips explored my body, mouthing its way down, starting from my neck. His teeth would occasionally dig into my skin without breaking it and some sucks added to it created the hickeys which I hadn’t worn on my body for so long now. The last time he had done this to me carried along ugly memories.

When his tongue glided over my stomach, circling my navel, he coarsed out a word that sent me to the other side of life for a split second.

“Eren.”

_Oh god._

The way he muttered my name; so hoarse and raw that it was given a whole new meaning to it. Only he was allowed to call my name like this.

“Say it again. Please. Say my name again. I _adore_ it when you call my name.” I slurred out, love-drunk.

“Eren. Eren, Eren, Eren.”

_Yes, yes, yes! More! Don’t stop._

He pressed a kiss right under my abdomen. “Your body is like a sanctuary to me.”

_Oh my god._

“I love you so much, _Eren_.”

I mewled audibly and wanted to thrust my hips up, my now hard cock twitching and I swear I could orgasm just from his voice.

“Levi, please—” I spilled out a breathy groan.

Looking down, I spotted him with my dick enclosed by his hand with relish, his mouth breathing out hotly against the base. Incredible how he could give me a lascivious stare while he would tease me with soft lewdness. Pre-cum had oozed onto his fingers and he licked my hard length up to the tip, catching some of my dripping pearly slick.

My hands fisted into the bed sheet desperately, I desired more – more of him! – and his hand on my hip restricted me from thrusting into Levi’s mouth that was sucking on the throbbing tip of my dick.

“Please.” I whined, undone. “Please, please, please, please. Enter me. I’m yearning for you.”

Wet sounds reached my ears when Levi drew back from my cock, licking off every trail of cum that his mouth had gathered. It should be illegal for him to tease my body close to an orgasm. It was true; his steel-grey eyes flamed mischievously and a hint of a smirk played around his lips. As he scooted his upper body up to where my head was, he watched me with an innocent expression, cold eyes looking at me like observing eyes of a wild animal that was strolling through its territory.

Since I thought that Levi wanted to kiss me again, I was about to kiss him first, but in reality he poised past me and reached for something on his nightstand. I released yet another mewl, but at the sight of his chest displayed right in front of me I couldn't hold back.

My tongue skimmed his firm chest wetly first as I stroked him everywhere. I moved on to his pale pink buds and gave them full attention, pressing the tip of my tongue onto it and swirling around it then.

“Ah, fuck.” Levi’s hard erection pressed against my stomach and he pushed my head against his chest, though only for a short moment because he pulled me away from his beautiful body right after. I threw a questioning glance at him, and got a pretty smirk in return. So sexy. “Next time, okay? Today I want to spoil you. It’s the first time we’re going to have sex as real lovers. Let me do it. I will take good care of you. I want to make you feel good.” He then raised a bottle of lube to my eyes. “Spread your legs more, love.”

I did as I was asked to immediately, angled my legs and stretched them apart, my head dropping to one side in slight embarrassment.

It was going to happen. It was really going to happen. Finally. I couldn't recall anymore how it felt like being filled up by Levi's dick, but soon I’d get to know that feeling again. Very soon I’d get—

“Ah.” I moaned, low, as a cold, sticky finger found my entrance, probed at it and went inside.

“Warn me, if you feel uneasy.” Levi instructed thoughtfully.

I nodded and tightened around his finger inside me. Such a long time ago that a finger penetrated me. It was even more ridiculous when thinking of how the last time something like this happened had been me fingering myself and not Levi doing it to me.

It required a generous amount of thrusting in and out before my arse got used to Levi’s finger. I had squirmed and shifted in place to quickly find the perfect angle for his finger to fuck me from, but even then Levi insisted on letting him do the work. Again a hand of his on my hip held me in place as a second finger joined the first one inside me, slipping in slowly as to not stretch my hole achingfully. Some shameless moans coming from me and Levi claiming that I was turning him on so badly with my slutty attempts of fucking down on his fingers that counted three by now, and I curved my back when Levi pulled back.

He had spread my legs wider from under my knees, kept them still in place as he himself aligned with my prepped entrance that was wet from the lube.

“I’m going to put it in now. Is that alright for you?”

“Yes. Fuck, yes. Do it.” The lower half of my palms were pressed against my eyes, my fingers pulling at my front locks. Actually I should hate Levi for leaving me desperate on purpose, spending this much time on preparations. I knew he did that because he didn't want me to feel any pain as soon as his dick would penetrate me, but at some point I had become too yearning for him, it was unbearable.

But it was fine. Fine, fine, fine, because he was going to finally do me.

His hard dick went in slowly and steadily and I freed my face from my hands, parted my eyes at the feeling of getting stretched more than his fingers had already done to me. My mouth was ripped ajar and I pressed out shaggy pants as Levi gradually filled me up from inside.

“Everything okay?” he asked, slightly concerned because of my expression.

“Yes. I’m totally fine. Just need to get used to it a bit.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No! I mean, no, there is no need to. I’m doing alright.” Indeed I was doing a lot better as soon as I widened my legs a bit more and gave everything to loosening myself and relaxing. Levi’s cock slid smoother inside and the beginning tightness was replaced by relish rubbing.

Levi’s hands were holding both sides of my hip as he slipped the last inches into my ass, until he was buried ballsdeep.

I breathed harshly with closed eyes when his whole dick stilled inside me and gave Levi a timid smile.

He pulled out halfway after a while, paused, watched me closely and plowed into me with one firm thrust. But now his hands were back next to my head again and his face hovered over mine, witnessing me break out a cry of lust.

“So… good. It feels so good.” One eye opened, I tried to tell him in any way that he was allowed to go harder on me. He didn't respond, scrutinized my face thoroughly, used most of his time to get an answer himself from my eyes.

He seemed to smile with contentment then, pecked my lips before he rested his head next to mine on the pillow, and pounded into me with a steady and fierce rhythm.

I was holding onto him as though he was my lifeline and soon my fingernails dragged over his back, leaving red marks and scratches there. His pounding dick caused me to roll my eyes back and moan loudly, unrestrained and self-indulgent, and my fingers didn't stop claiming his back.

“You are making such beautiful sounds. Tell me how good you’re feeling.” Levi groaned into my ear, his raspy and seductive voice sending chills through my veins.

“You’re making me feel so good. It feels so good. I love it. I love you.”

As Levi buried his face in the crook of my neck, his hot breath tickling softly against my skin, he went a bit harder on me, though all the while that novel characteristic of him having sex with me so roughly yet so affectionately – which I had never ever felt before – stuck to my mind and eternalized itself there.

Levi wasn't merely fucking me, he was making love to me.

At that thought, tears filled my eyes and spilled over. I also couldn't prevent some sniffs from leaving my lips and causing my chest to hoist up and down irregularly, which didn't go unnoticed by Levi.

He raised his head and locked eyes with me right away. “You’re crying.” he stated the obvious, and worry featured him. “Why are you crying?” He stilled immediately, and was even about to pull out. But I stopped him before he could go that far.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m not crying because I’m in pain or whatsoever. It’s just… I’m so happy right now.” I beamed a teary smile at him, and Levi blinked a few times before he gave trust to my words.

“Oh, okay. I believe you.” He stroked my wet cheek, stared long into my eyes and his gaze switched to glance at my lips.

He planted a fond kiss there and I gave him the same back.

His thrusts had picked up pace, stimulating the pooling orgasm in my lower area as my cock oozed dozen pre-cum, twitching for attention and release.

Lust itself visited me when I arched my back, curled my toes and came hard as I raised my upper body, giving Levi the perfect opportunity to mouth at me before he'd orgasm as well.

I moaned loudly while coating Levi with my load, shivering from the pleasure that slowly ebbed away in the afterglow.

Levi came soon after and with a coarse growl as his shot was released inside me.

For a long while we remained in position, Levi on top of me, and we both needed time to catch our breath and regain stamina, however Levi had of course recovered faster than me.

Levi climbed off me without the need of me having to ask him to do so and he turned my body so that we were facing each other as we lay on our bed, next each other.

He brushed some damp strands off my face as we glinted smiles to one another.

I rolled on my bed to the edge of the mattress, looked down to the plenty of flowers that were still there where I had placed them. I didn’t know where that ridiculous thought came from, but I just had to reassure myself that nothing of this had been a dream.

Everything did really happen.

“I love you.” Back in my original position again, I said this to Levi, not feeling like uttering anything else right now.

Levi pillowed his head with one arm underneath. It took a while until he retorted. “I’ve always told myself that I would never regret the choices I make. One should choose decisions they won't regret. And yet here I am regretting two of my choices. First, to love. Second, not to love. Ridiculous, isn’t it?”

“No, it isn't. Your first decision was triggered off by something you thought happened because of love, but in reality it didn't.”

“And I’m regretting my second decision because you are proof that not to love isn’t the right thing.”

“To love is always the better option. Because one day, one will find someone to fall in love with. That’s what humans do—falling in love.”

“I’m actually glad you fell in love with me. I think there is no one else who would have endured me for so long and convinced me to open up to them.”

I snuggled into Levi’s chest and was hugged in return. “I, too, am glad that I fell in love with you.”

_If only you could know how happy I am that you finally proclaimed your love for me._

This was what people did.

To love and be loved.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (⊙▽⊙✿)
> 
> For once I'm actually really proud of my writing and the way I wrote a chapter. This is the very first time I am so overwhelmed by my own creation. There's isn't a more beautiful love confession Levi could have proclaimed to Eren in this fic AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE!
> 
> So? How was it? PLEASE tell me what you think about this chapter, it means a lot to me!!
> 
> Tell me that you loved it just as much as I did when writing it :')
> 
> Btw if any of you wanna talk to me (about Ereri or whatever) I have a tumblr! It's [pinkheichou](http://www.pinkheichou.tumblr.com)


	33. Levi, Eren, Armin, and Jean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh...... hi.
> 
> You thought you wouldn't see me with an update ever again? Well now guess who's back with an update, even if half a year later. Yes, half a year later. I'm sorry. It's not like I didn't write anything at all during that time because I did! But not for this fanfic. To be honest, I wasn't able to focus on it for most of the time. But now here I am and if you want to read more of my story, then feel free to do so.
> 
> I have a few things to say so I would appreciate it if you READ MY WHOLE AUTHOR'S NOTE PLEASE!
> 
> I think that not updating for several months must mean that I lost tons of readers because they were sick of waiting/lost hope for more updates/weren't interested in my fic or Ereri or SnK anymore/etc. I can't and I won't blame them! To be honest the most important thing for me is to write and to (HOPEFULLY) finish this story one day. It doesn't matter to me if, by the end, there are only a few readers left. I wouldn't mind if at some point I didn't have any readers anymore. Because I'm telling you that it will probably take me more than a year to finish my fic. I checked and there are at least 20 more chapters to come, which means at least 200k additional words. That's a lot of work. But I really really really wanna finish this fic! It's because of the remaining plot I have planned. Even if it doesn't seem like that at first, but there will be heavy plot and angst soon again. I want to write it all because there will be moments where I have that feeling that I will be challenging myself again. Moments and chapters where I want to give my everything to it and create something that might evoke thrills and feels in my readers.
> 
> If you think that the biggest shit has already happened, then you are wrong (⊙▽⊙✿)
> 
> There is much more to come. And I will write it. No matter how long it'll take me. No matter how many writer's blocks I will have and how much doubts I have to go through. "I'm Levi's" has become special to me because of what I have planned for it. I want this to be the fic that I put my most efforts and feelings into.
> 
> So I hope some of you want to accompany me on my journey, my gratitude is endless.
> 
> Now to this chapter: Well, I had wanted to write a filler chapter after Levi's confession so here it is. One of my readers suggested a day in the onsen. This would have been a good idea, but I opted for something else because it seemed more suitable for more than one reason.
> 
> I think it's good for Eren and Levi to relax a bit before shit is going to start again— I MEAN WHAT AHAHAHA (⊙▽⊙✿)
> 
> By the way: This fic will have switching. Yes, Levi will bottom at least once later in the fic and I will write an explicit scene about that at least one time. Soon you all will realise that the story doesn't depend on who is top and who is bottom. Eren was a bottom the whole time now, but in the end this won't matter. I hope it doesn't discourage you to go on reading. Once the bottom Levi chapter is posted, I will give a little warning, if you want.
> 
> Okayyyyy. I think I've said everything I wanted to say. Enjoy the chapter!

******Levi**

Time passed where Eren and I spent time together and Eren would tell me occasionally that we were doing great as a couple, by means of acting as naturally as we could. Since I still had some struggles with that.

Surely, I did notice that my relation to Eren was different from the time when we used to be fuck buddies. The cold distance I had made sure to establish between him and me back then had vanished remarkably, Eren’s words and touches would reach parts inside me I didn't know I would ever discover feelings in; his voice and his fingers seemed to graze my soul and revive them with genuine love, glint a spark that had diminished long time ago. Also, the way I saw Eren with my eyes seemed altered, too. Since quite a while now had I willingly dropped the thought of thinking of him as a source of pleasurable entertainment.

If I may say so, I even tried my best – the most that was within my power – at understanding what that concept of having infatuated feelings for someone was like. While Eren had acted more naturally, I had that feeling that I had fought with myself in all this. Thinking of all that had happened I would even go as far as to say that sometimes I had acted like an immature idiot. I was more than certain that no one at my age needed to ask their lover if this or that was alright to do when they were trying to comfort their partner (like back then when Eren’s fight with his best friend had still been ongoing). Or I should have realized sooner that even after all these months there had been something unresolved between us which led to shenanigans (the problem with Erwin at Hanji’s Halloween party).

The major thing, though, that had left me most anxious at times was my decision to have gifted Eren with flowers as a sign to truly and wholeheartedly apologize to him (my confession hadn’t really been part of my plan; but thinking back to it, I didn't regret my choice).

The arty flowers were still surrounding our bed, many of them already wilting honorably, but there were few that didn't give up yet to sweep its vivid colours around. Sometimes I would look at them and question whether I had done the right thing. The time I was to myself, alone, allowed all kind of thoughts to roam my mind and coax me to figure out my position in my own life.

In my life that Eren had much influence in, and I let him. I would even  _beg_  him to do so because without him I was incomplete.  

Today was one of those days where I regarded the flowers again, shortly—with an inquiring look and a feeling of wanting to do more. Wanting to be more for Eren.

I had revealed my love for him, but even then I desired to make everything right and not let anything slip. This wasn't the end in our relationship, but I was stuck. Just like being trapped in quicksand in the deserts, I was unable to go back or forth, sinking deeper and deeper.

But I wasn't alone. Not anymore. Loneliness and unfulfillment that I had suppressed as part of myself weren't part of my life anymore. And knowing that Eren would huddle against my body, drape his arms around me from behind and reassure me in sweet cooing whispers that everything was alright, gave me strength. I was strong, but not in the emotional sense, which I used to think I’d be fine with in the past. The way I had dealt with my feelings was wrong and, with Eren by my side, I felt like being with someone who I could trust unconditionally. I was willing to give in to that. However, at the moment, I had no clue how I should express my devotion to his love. But one day I would.

“You’re doing great.” Eren’s honey-like voice filled my ear with beauty (if the vibrations of voices were to have colours, Eren’s would certainly be a silken and pure and precious gold). I took one of his hands that rested on my collarbone and squeezed it fondly. “Really.” he finished, and I broke my gaze away from the fragile and rusty petals and came to sight with a profile, presenting a genuinely smiling Eren. His eyes sparkled the most vibrant green, so it seemed to me, and viewing him and listening to his words gave me safety.

I liked that feeling and would never get tired of it.

That there would exist someone in the first place who could trigger off these emotions inside me, causing my chest to twirl with affection, was an astonishment in itself. At least for me.

Only after a few minutes have passed did I eventually nod to Eren’s words and said, “Yeah.”

One word, but enough for both. For Eren. For our love.

There was no need for me to have doubts. Eren was honest with me and I trusted his words. So whenever he would tell me that I was doing well, I mustn't question that. I mustn't seek a way to be better,  _greater_ , when the way everything existed already did its purpose. In the end, I realized...

All I had to do was go on like that and live. I would go on in my life together with Eren and we’d please each other’s needs without having to do much for it.

Waving around with my whole body, I faced him and cast a curled smile at him. He did the same and I took in his admirable beauty that I was granted to savour every day. Fingertips of mine brushed his cheek, right under his eyes and Eren’s response, light fluttering through the rills of his eyelashes, doomed me into a world of sweetness.

Eren was everything I didn't know I ever needed.

Since it was early in the morning, we switched to the kitchen after a while, preparing breakfast. I was already sat with my omelette and toast, Eren still busy making his sandwich on the kitchen counter. Some random music was playing on the radio and Eren seemed to recognise it, singing along to the catchy tone it had while smearing butter on his toast. His head whipped softly to the sides, hips swaying as well and Eren seemed to be engrossed in that song. As if no one was here, he unraveled an easiness that was a perfect accompanion for a peaceful Thursday morning.

Despite of the fact that this was probably my first time listening to Eren’s smooth singing voice, it felt like I had heard it so many times. And I would listen to it just as many more times. Attempting to describe how well of a “good singer” he was would be the false direction. It sounded pretty; pleasant, soft with a speckle of raw deepness, blissfully calming.

So it was no surprise that one edge of my mouth crooked up as I watched him awefully with one side of my head resting on my open palm.

“‘cause I will spoil you with love! Oh, yeah.’” Eren finished singing along the last line of the song, whipping around to face me as he gunned his pointer fingers at me (actually it was a pointer finger and a kitchen knife in the other hand). Lastly, he glowed an enthusiastic smile, winking.

My own smile grew ever so faintly. “Can I have you as a take-away?” I joked, amused, and eyed him up and down once, biting my bottom lip to show off how irresistable he was, no matter what he did.

Eren huffed out a delightful chuckle. “You can always have me.” he claimed languidly, stroking one side of his hair by running his fingers though them.

This guy was so fucking great.

“Oh, trust me, I want. And I will. And I know you want it too.”

“What is this? Dirty talk with an open outcome before we even had our breakfast? Don’t even dare think of that. Not with empty stomachs, honey.”

Placing the knife down on the counter, he planted the top layer of toast onto his sandwhich, grabbed it with a rigid grip, pupils and eyes blown apart in hunger – perhaps this was still from the extraordinariness of his prior act – and he raised his meal to his mouth, taking a generous chunk.

Eren was probably the only one who could deflate the suggestive vibes that had barely even begun to swell between us. He looked like a dork right now with his face stuffed to hamster cheeks, no trace left of that sexy beast side of him from a few seconds ago.

“Mm, oh, yeah. My sandwiches are the best.” Eren’s full mouth produced, his face peaceful while eating, and I snorted to myself. He was so unbelievably extra. He licked some of his fingers.

“Oi, what are you trying to achieve with that? Come sit down already.”

Eren beamed a smile first thing first as a reply, and despite of the width of his grin, I was gratefully spared from seeing the mushy interior of his mouth. When he joined me at the table with a brisk walk, he chattered to me. I should have guessed it and yet it got me unexpected when he sat down on my lap, doing so ever so casually. Though I adjusted to his very spontaneous idea quickly because at least I had  _appeared_  to welcome him, with my arms extended and ready to curl round his hips, whereas my legs shifted clumsily to grant Eren a rather – hopefully – comfortable seat.

“You’re very extra, you know that?” I mumbled and nibbled on his earlobe as I made out the chewing motions of his jaw.

“Am I not allowed to when around you?”

“Of course you are. I was just stating a fact. An adorable one. I can’t resent you for it.”

“You’re so sweet. I don’t wanna go to work now. Wanna stay here with you.” he whined and clung to me with what bore similarity to a death grip.

“Let’s skip work then. Only for today.” I took a deep breath of his natural body scent. Smelled fine.

“Okay.” Eren was quick and eager to answer, taking another bite.

“Cool. Then, what shall we do first…?”

“No, Levi, I can't.” Just as fast as he had swung to his reply, he changed his mind now again. He looked conflicted. “Pixis will kill me if I skip work again. Not only did I slack off most of the time the past few months, but when I was absent for more than a week, I got to understand that I’m putting my job at risk! Even if the latest incident for my absence wasn't my fault and had a plausible explanation, I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Levi?”

He swept a flat and rough hand across my cheek and I was able to sniff parts of his sandwich.

“Well, okay. I surely understand that. It’s nice of you to think about us and the time we should spend together, but, hell, no big deal, we will be apart for only 6 up to 8 hours, not days.” I gave him a wicked smile, winking. With one of my hands losing themselves in his untamed mop of brown locks, I scidded his face closer to mine, until noses were brushing each other. “You think you can endure that?” I asked raspily, intended to make it sound more dramatic than it was.

Eren nodded with lips pouting meekly, though playfully acted.

I grabbed him by his cheeks and kissed his lips fondly. “Good boy.”

“Only for you.”

“Now move your ass. I’m sure you’re already running late.”

Eren darted his eyes to the clock once, slight panic written on his face with the way his eyes widened slightly for a split second. “Nooooo,” he spit out sarcastically, “only maybe, haha.” He scratched the back of his hair, clawed his sandwich then to stuff his mouth fully with it as he made his way to get ready for work. Unlike him, I still had some time left.

I patted his back as he paced past behind me and I could only smile to myself at how adorable Eren was, whining and complaining with a full mouth and inhumane growls.

“See you later. Stay safe.”

He left me with a roar that was probably supposed to be a ‘yes’, I think.

It was no more than 15 minutes later that I got a call from Eren. When answering it, my ears were abused with an unintelligible stuttering and Eren seeming to go on with his complaints. “Levi! I can’t do this. Oh my goodness, I can’t stay away from you for so long. Save me, please.”

“Eren, we’ve parted barely 15 minutes ago.” I scoffed, but couldn't deny that this was lightening the moodiness a morning would always carry along for me.

“Please, my White Knight, please save me from this pain.” He sounded exasperatedly exhausted and the way he acted spilled over from how staged it is, so that I couldn't refrain myself from rolling my eyes. It wouldn't be a wonder if Eren had heard it from the other side of the call. A cue of an upcurve at the corner of my lips indicated that Eren would certainly always find a way to be bratty; bratty but still cute. Not that I had desired this in a person ever before, but with him, and experiencing that on him, I figured I didn't find it obnoxious.

“Eren, go to work. And don’t drop dead on your way.”

Eren mewled. “Psh, fine.” A little span of static silence. “Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, okay?”

When his words reached my ears, I was enthralled by its lovely tune. Sweet and so earnest.

I smiled genuinely. “I love you, too.”

From then on, I didn't get a call from Eren, which meant he would be all the more enthusiastic when coming back again. It was me who had returned home first and decided to kill time by cleaning first and then make a proper dinner. My first chore, however, got interrupted midway as I heard the door bell being ringed. Indecisive over whether I didn't mind or actually loathed the idea of a most likely unexpected guest, I trotted to the front door, taking off my rubber gloves in the process.

I did let out a sigh, but only seconds before twisting the door knob to reveal myself to whoever thought today and right now would be a good time to disturb.

With the fact of who I encountered, I was a bit taken aback, out of surprise, but didn't feel opposed to the idea of having to interact with them.

“Armin.” I casually called out as a greeting.

“Hi.” He glowed a sunshine smile at me, face split in two from it.

“Oh, sorry, but Eren is not here yet.”

“Yes, I know.” I stunned. It had come naturally to me that Armin would always visit us because of Eren. “I’m here because I need to talk to you.”

I held in my breath. There was a tiny, whiny howl singing lowly in my throat; as if my soul was crying in panic and leaving my body soon.

I contemplated.

Thought very deeply and tried to figure out what it could be that would have summoned Armin to me. I averted my eyes discreetly to the sides, swaying them in every direction with eyes narrowed to a slit as I tried to remember everything I did with or to Eren that might have upsetted him and was reason enough to send his best friend to me, even if not initially planned for this to happen.

But there was nothing.

I hadn’t done anything wrong. Why would Armin want to talk to me, what the heck. I was and moreso had been a good boyfriend.

Awkwardly, I released the breath I was holding in, and proceeded with giving Armin a silent gaze. When I saw him still beaming at me expectantly, not minding that way more seconds had passed in silence and with us still in the front door that was actually not the suitable place for social actions, I freed myself from my reverie.

I shook my head quickly, flinging the door open and stepped aside to shove some free room for him to enter. Waving my hand in a beckoning motion, I said, “Oh-okay. Come inside.”

“Thank you.” Armin shrilled happily.

“Want some tea?” Armin seemed to not have forgotten where the living room was and headed to said place elatedly and all by himself while I closed the door and tossed my rubber gloves aside.

“No, thanks. I’m fine like this.”

I decided I wouldn't have to linger on that, so I didn't, and followed Armin into the living room.

He stood there, in the center of the room, quiet, back facing me, for quite a moment. And when he turned around and faced me, he suddenly mustered a frowning glare. He didn't waste a second. “Jean and Eren finally have to get along.” He murmured in a growl, mouth barely opening.

Second time this day and within a short time span did he succeed in catching me off guard and make me hella confused. I did nothing beside offering a passive startled furrow of my brows. “Yeah… right.”

Armin loosened up his face and sighed. He went back to looking lax, but with light exhaustion grazing his features. “What I mean is that their childish rivalry can’t go on forever.”

I nodded in understanding and motioned for him to sit down. He did, literally plumping down onto the couch. He sighed again.

“I already got to experience a little of their hateful bickerings.”

“Oh, trust me, if it was only a little, then you haven’t seen them acting the worst way when being around each other.” He rubbed one eye with the heel of his hand and smiled weakly.

I gave another nod, much slower, as I turned my gaze forward, elbows on my knees and fingers threaded as I pondered over the thought of actually making some tea. It could make him feel good; better, that is.

“You see,” he went on before I could finish my thought, “Eren and Jean  _could_  get along well if they weren’t so stubborn. Their little fights stemmed from nothing but little differences on attitude and opinions, all incited by hormones in their teenage years anyway. It’s not like they really hate each other, they just want to appear superior and better in front of the other which is ridiculous.”

I stared at his face where that sheen of despair was ghosting over. “What do you want to do ab—”

“I mean,” he cut off my words, as though I had never started to speak in the first place. He must be really desperate. “On Jean and I’s wedding day, they were doing fine with one another! Well, Jean knew he better shouldn’t ruin this day for us and Eren had his sister around him most of the time, but of course this is no solution. I believe that those two are actually compatible as friends, deep in their cores, they are more similar than one would expect at first. They are the type of ‘buddies roasting each other mockingly’, you know?”

Eventually, Armin turned to me, shoulders shrugged, waiting for me to agree. I agreed. “You’re probably right.”

He produced prominent nods for every word he uttered now. “Yeah. Right. Cool.” He pressed his lips together, likely mulling over something and looked me in the eye then. Finitely, he said, “I have an idea. I want us four to go to Kirmin and spend some time there.”

“Kirmin?” I raised a brow.

“Oh, yeah. Kirmin is an island Jean bought for us. For  _me_ , actually, but I insist on calling it  _our_  island.”

“Wow, that’s… impressive.” How high were the chances of ever meeting someone and become friends with them only to find out that they owned an island—that was outstanding.

“Well, yeah, I want them to have to be around each other for a while so that they can grow nicer to one aother. I would have them interact as much as possible. And… well,” Armin scatched his hair and viewed me for the first time in a way and with an expression that said he was really talking to me, “I wanted to ask you now if you’d play along with my plan. And maybe… also help me, at least being on my side—that would be enough.”

I didn't take long to answer to that. “Sure. Of course I would fancy the idea of my boyfriend having one rival less.”

“If this goes well, Eren’s amount of enemies would die down to zero.”

“Even better.” I leaned back on my seat and crossed my arms behind my head, thinking everything over. A little thing sprang into my mind. “Eren can’t afford days off at the moment, though.”

“I had planned to spend a whole weekend on it, so it’s no problem.” Armin wanted to finish with that, until something else occured to  _his_  mind. “Unless you have work on the weekend. Do you?”

“Nope.”

“Good.” he said, relaxed.

“Sounds like a good idea, I guess. Do you want to leave both in the dark?”

He snorted. “No. I will openly tell them what my general plan is. However, I won’t tell any details.”

“And what are the details?” I wondered idly.

Armin cocked his head to my side, tilting it down, and shimmered a pure smile. Feigning angelic innocence when he had actually sly methods planned out. “You’ll get to know them when the right time comes. Please, all I beg of you is to play along.” He pleaded by planting his palms together, flatly, raising the tips of his fingers to his rosy lips. He surely had some wicked side on him.

“Well, yeah, okay. If you think it works best like this.”

“I’m certain it will.”

“Fine.” I shrugged. Then, when half a minute passed where Armin loosened completely, making himself more than comfortable on the couch, telling he would like to stay here until Eren came back so that he could get informed right away which I was totally fine with, I roused myself from the couch. “Want some tea now?” I asked when I had already reached the kitchen’s threshold, whipping around.

Armin’s features shone brighter than I had witnessed on him so far today, it almost blinded my dull eyes. “Yes!” he cheered. “Sure. I’d like to.”

~~~

About an hour later, Eren arrived home, originally having wanted to jump into my arms and embrace me and elaborate on plans for shared intimate togetherness for the rest of the day, but stilled his ecstatic outburst at a speed of light as soon as he spotted his best friend.

He looked ridiculous, halting in the middle of the living room, arms spread wide, ogling Armin with wide eyes and an equally wide mouth. “Oh. Hey, Armin.” He sounded fine with the idea of an unexpected visit.

All three of us spent the following time on telling Eren all that was worth being mentioned of Armin’s plan.

“A some sort of ‘holiday’ to get me and Jean to come to better terms, huh?” Eren huffed as he crossed his arms, leant back and placed one leg over the other. Traces of his prior enthusiasm were barely audible or palpable. I – and Armin too – had expected that.

“Yes, Eren.” Armin scrambled closer to him, caging him with a look of honest sincerity. “You know you and Jean can’t go on like this forever.”

Eren waved a hand sluggishly. “If Jean wasn’t such an idiot with his general attitude, I wouldn't—”

“Passing on the guilt to the other won’t help at all. Besides, it’s not as simple-threaded as that. So just listen to me, okay? Let’s use that opportunity for you two to approach each other more nicely. Try to acknowledge and respect, and Jean shall too. You can’t be wanting to fight with Jean every time you see him. You don’t really want to continue like that, do you?”

It was only after leering scowling glances, and low incoherent muttering, that Eren gave in with a hieving sigh. “Yeah, you’re right. Things could be better between us.”

“Are you willing to agree on the purpose of this trip?”

“I am.” Eren’s snort had a whiny undertone, whether it was because of defeat or the fact that he probably had to get familiar with such an idea, I couldn't tell. Perhaps it was because of both. “Though, I’m sure it will be difficult if we want to convince Jean. There are many reasons why.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Let me handle that.”

We also decided to tell Jean on the same day, so all three of us gathered in Armin’s living room after every matter between Armin and Eren had been discussed, giving us reason to finally approach the last person who was an important factor in Armin’s plan, Jean.

Armin had opted to give his husband a quick résumé, finishing with sentences of ‘Let’s all of us go to Kirmin.’ and ‘It’s a good possibility for you and Eren to break off your rivalry.’

The response we got was vocal—literally.

After some seconds of gazing dumbfoundedly at us, Jean fell into a big and roaring laughing fit. “Never!” he barked, a vicious grunt and a gleaming glare – mostly directed at Eren – peppered his face and voice.

I heard Eren huffing. “I fucking knew it.” Tilting my head back to him, I saw his arms being crossed and a scowl radiating from him.

Armin sighed indignantly. “Oh, Jean. Please.”

“Oh my god, baby, you really think…? You really think I would  _agree_  to such a thing??” Jean stepped up, his mocking tone steadily gained audacity. He gesticulated wildly while he joined Armin’s side. “First of all, you want Eren and I to ‘make up’, wow, that already sounds too ridiculous. And then, you think, for that, we should go make a trip to our island? Haha,  _no way_!” Armin had his arms crossed too, giving his husband an annoyed, stern look. Jean patted his shoulder, with an entertained demeanour swirling around him. “Armin, babe, I love you. But this idea is pointless, we don’t have to waste time on something like this. As if either Eren or I—”

“I think it’s a good idea, though,” Eren intervened gruffly. As much as he would like to deal with something else that wouldn’t involve Jean, he was willing enough to take such a sacrifice. Eren was reluctant but rational.

“Good for you, but no one asked!” And with Jean spatting this at him it was clear that he making peace with Eren and vice versa was very needed.

“Jean,” Armin softly dragged Jean’s arm from his own shoulder. Jean thought it would be a fine idea to spoil his husband with loving gestures, but Armin wouldn’t have any of those, sticking to his determined plan despite all. “Do you remember what you told me about Kirmin, ‘our’ island?”

“Yes, that it’s a gift from me to you. And that you can do and decide over it the way you wanna.” The airy response gave hint about how clueless Jean was, not getting what Armin was actually trying to say with that.

“Yes, and I always said we should treat it as an island that is for us both. That  _we_  would always make plans together.” Jean only grinned like a child, cocking his head lightly. He still didn't get it. Armin noticed that too and let out a slumped sigh. “Well, I thought there is no other way than me using  _your_  words this time and really being the only one to decide what would happen with Kirmin.”

Slowly, it deemed on him. His face fell in slow motion until it hit him like a solid rock. “What?! No!”

Armin shook his head. His locks waved gracefully. “For today I want to say ‘oh, you’re right: My island, my rules, my decision.’ These were your words. And for once I would like to do as  _I_  like, okay?” He cooed that last word, finishing with a sly upcurve of his mouth and knowing, mischievous eyes.

“But, b-but, no…” Jean stuttered and whined, attempting to plead for the opposite with puppy eyes.

“Nope.” Armin flicked his nose high, popping the ‘p’ in his mouth. “I say all four of us – Levi, Eren,  _you_ , and I – shall go to Kirmin and have some fun there. Also, you and Eren have to get along. It will be interesting. There is no reason not to agree to it.” He stole a glance at his husband with one opened eye, smirking. Jean was at his disposal, unable to oppose. Useless, he uttered more vain whines, though.

“Jean is such a child, heh,” Eren hooked his hands around my arm, pressing his temple on my shoulder. He smiled spitefully.

“Don’t be too self-confident. You’re the other half of the reason why we’re doing all this.”

He formed a tiny pout. “Yeah, yeah. I will behave, you’ll see. It can’t be that difficult when Armin is with him.”

This was probably the first time I had heard something that would soon turn out to be the grave opposite.

~~~

“What a beautiful sight!” Eren extended his arms upwards, lolling his head back, and embraced the feeling of windy breezes dancing around and passing his exposed skin and causing his summer shirt and shorts to flutter. His hair was nudged back by the wind, but still it rocked in waves and prickling sensation.

Eren stood fixed on the deck of the motor boat that carried us to the island. Like that we would reach our destiny faster than with a sail boat. Besides, Jean had quickly been able to find someone who would take us to a ride to Kirmin. Even if Jean himself could have driven that boat, this time he didn't want to in order to be by Armin’s side.

It was impressive how fast the boat ran and the weather played along more than gratefully. Cloudless azure sky, a prominent sun in zenit and a cooling wind, although right now the last one was due to the speed we were forwarding with. I joined to Eren’s left, cupped a hand above my eyes to get a sight of anything that would expand it front of us. Soon, I found more interest in studying Eren’s gleeful gaze, taking in every small detail of it. Crinkles around the corners of his lips that shaped because of him grinning open-mouthedly and in joy; eyes pressed shut, creating faint creases; the sun trickled onto his tanned skin, dipping it in a golden hue; and his hair played prettily on his forehead and on the sides of his head and nuanced the beauty of such a gorgeous face.

Eren looked mesmerizing.

“It’s a wonder though, right? Such a bright and warm weather, even on a November day.” he mused, very happy.

“Of course, duh,” Jean’s spiky voice sounded off next to us, coming to the railing with an arm thrown over Armin’s shoulders, a bottle of beer in hand and a snobbish look on his face. I assumed he was trying to look cool with his appearance; blue shorts with Hawaiian prints, an orange summer shirt which buttons were opened down to the middle of his chest and revealed plain brown chest hair, a golden necklace sporting the name ‘Armin’ hanging down from his neck. Armin, on the other hand, was dressed in simple airy summer clothes, turquoise and blue and white. Jean sipped on his beer. “You think I buy my gorgeous Armin an island without any thoughts? The one I chose has a combination of tropical and deserted vegetation, which means it’s sunny weather on that island most of the time a year. Hah!” He laughed out loud, bragging, and received a nudge in the rips as reward from Armin.

“To be honest, I like it too!” Armin cheered then, shining a smile at us. “A hot sun and warm temperatures on a November day is a rarity but awesome, right. You like it too, Levi? It’s the first time for you seeing Kirmin. Jean and I had our wedding on our island, but Eren told me you wouldn't have wanted to come.” He pressed his lips together, wary, as if he had said something offensive.

“Yes, I like this. It’s not bad, I guess. And, yeah, I had really not wanted to. But it would have been kinda weird too, I think, if I were to have attended your wedding without knowing you two at all back at that time.” Eren discreetly tangled his finger with mine and squeezed. I had a vague guess that he felt this was a difficult topic since the story consisted of our fuck buddy relationship, and I couldn't tell whether what I told Armin just know was the honest reason I had had back then, but what I did know was that it was something in the past and couldn't influence me or Eren anymore. Everything was different now, we didn't have to look back at the what-used-to-be. I kissed the top of his messy mop of brown hair, soothingly.

“Mikasa and Levi would have been better than Mikasa and Eren, though.” Jean started and it was more than obvious that this was the beginning for something really bad being triggered in a few seconds.

Armin realized that too and wanted to stop him. But his late attempts were to no avail. I tugged Eren back by our connected hand, but he wouldn't stay silent for long, anger displaying on his face.

“Jean, please behave—”

“But it’s true, Armin! You remember how he acted, right? All extra nice and always sending me glares when he thought I wasn't looking and that ‘I can behave even without Mikasa’ thing. Haha! Then why did you stick to her the whole time? People acting all fake are lame, tell me in the face how much you hate me. I dare you, oh my God, imagine you really having done this on my wedding! It was Armin's wedding too. Oh goodness, this would have been some fun, everyone would have hated you after that!”

“Are you provoking me on purpose?! Shut the fuck up! You’re asking for your face to be punched ugly by my fists, huh?!” Eren, a riled up mess of a guy, had freed himself from my grip and pressed himself against Jean, sending him and himself backwards until Jean hit the railing with his back, upper body hovering outward. One push and he’d be off the boat.

He grinned at Eren, not giving a shit that he would most likely see the boat from the bottom if he kept going.

Seriously? Why were these two such enemies, messing with the other for fun?

“Eren, stop it!” Armin cried out, and I took a hold of Eren’s shoulders and backed him away from Jean roughly but quickly.

“Eren, this is going too far.” I said with a chiding tone.

“He was going too far!” Eren raged and tried to wiggle free from my grasp.

“What the heck! I was only saying the truth!” Jean still had the audacity to laugh and maintain his grin further, straightening his shirt that got misplaced and crinkled where Eren had balled his fists into. Armin was tugging at his right sleeve, talking sense into him with how much of a scowling he directed at him. But from where I stood I couldn't make out the things he said. Instead, I frowned between Eren and Jean, huffing out a heavy sigh then.

“This will be a lot of work.” When I shared a look with Armin, I saw him nodding in agreement, as though he had heard what I had said just now.

We arrived Kirmin island after half an hour and – luckily – without any more fights between the two troublemakers.

It started, though, even if only with a little fight so far, with them wanting to climb down the boat first and at the same time, so they would try to get what they want, fighting and pushing the other away from the ladder attached to the boat. It resulted in both of them falling into the narrow water by the shore. Splashing sounds being heard, a loud shared exclaimation of “Idiot!” followed.

Armin approached the ladder next, me right behind him, and he put a hand over his eyes as if he didn't want to believe nor even see that Jean’s and Eren’s childish act had truly happened just now.

“The whole weekend, you say?” I asked in a mocking tone, not preventing the amused smile from twitching over my mouth.

Armin glared at me, finding it noticibly less funny than me. “One whole weekend.” The resolution in his tone spurred me on to anticipate the outcome of two days on an island with Eren and Jean seeing each other every day.

“Guuuuuys.” Armin whined, casting his yelling down to the two sitting figures in the ocean water. They didn't seem to stop chanting curses at each other so soon, if we were to leave them alone. This was going to be a very funny weekend.

They stood up and made their way to the grounds; and we slowly – Armin inertially – followed, mild warm water weltering around our shins. Eren and Jean rather trudged forward, clothes heavy from the wetness and waterdrops trickling down from everywhere on their bodies. Eren flicked his hair back and spit on the crystal-like sand.

Jean saw it and riled up. “Hey!” he yelled, pointing at the spot Eren had released his spit onto. “Don’t spread your bacterias on Armin’s island, I’m gonna sue you!”

Eren just scoffed to it. With growling mutterings huffed at him, which he didn't pay attention to, he took a few more steps before he sat down on the sand. Knees bent and shoulders propped on his hands, he sighed and tilted his head. It seemed he wanted to dry himself under the sun.

That was close to being interrupted, though, when Jean came close to him, a dangerous glare running through his facial features.

“Jean, don’t.” Armin stopped him by his elbow, in time, because his foot had been ready to kick sand— _towards Eren_.

“What? That dumbass might as well can eat the sand he spit on.”

“Jean.” Armin reprimanded sternly, and Jean fell silent; reluctant and crude.

Meanwhile Eren had opened one eye, practically seething frowns into Jean’s skull.

“What you wanted to do is very low. No matter how much you two fight, Eren doesn't deserve that.” I growled at Jean, throwing a judging side-eye at him, and lent Eren a hand. “Stand up. You can dry inside the beach house.” Eren took my hand gladly and was quickly on his feet, proceeding to give me a full-body embrace. “No, wait. Don’t do this when you’re dripp—” I sighed. It was too late. Minutely, my own clothes drenched soaking wet with Eren’s body pressed on me. “Whatever.”

“Let’s go.” Armin solely said and led the way to the inner of the island. He had told me their house was located at the middle area of Kirmin. Eren and I parted from our bodies and we traced Armin's covered distance hand-in-hand.

“I’m not interested in that ‘Jean and I gotta get along’ bullshit anymore.” Eren whispered coarsely into my ear, chin on my shoulder. “A date sounds so much nicer. I bet we could even have alone time here. I was here only once, but there are nice places to visit and stay at for a few hours.”

“No.” Eren whined. I rolled my eyes. “Armin’s plan stands. There is no room for objections.” With how the defeaning silence seemed to drop the mood, I thought of something encouraging that would motivate Eren to last out for a weekend. “Perhaps we can consider a single date as reward if you do well with Jean. On the last day, though.”

“Hmph,” Eren didn't sound very satisifed, but he ought to realize that this was better than nothing. “Promise?”

“Can  _you_  promise me to do fine with dealing with Jean?”

“We shall see.” Eren muttered, not liking the idea very much. Oh, I hoped it wouldn't turn out too annoying with those two.

After we had settled our stuff inside the cottage that the guy who drove us here kindly brought us, we went outside again, in the direction of the small exotic forest taking in the west side of Kirmin.

“Okay,” Armin clapped his hands together, smiling all too brightly. It looked like he wanted to lift the mood for what was to come… or maybe prevent us from believing that the thing he had planned wouldn't sound nice. “I thought we shall make a hot pot outside on a campfire as dinner. Which means we need wood from the forest.” He raised a finger and turned to the rest of us. I had guesses for what he would say next. “Eren. Jean. Can you two chop us some woods? Together?” I knew it.

Eren and Jean looked at Armin incredulously, bordering more than subtly on annoyed.

“This is how obvious your plan is? What next? Do you want us to hug??” Jean spread his arms to Eren’s general direction.

One corner of Armin’s mouth twitched. He glowered at his own husband with narrowed eyes, dark vibes surrounding him and he said through ground teeth, lips itching up. “Are you doubting my intelligence?”

Jean wanted to retort, tripped on his own words, tongue like twisted into a strong knot, and gave it up in the end. “No, of course not.” He murmured almost without any volume in his tone.

Eren didn't object verbally, but he wanted to do this just as less as Jean.

“Fine.” Armin's sunny smile was back. “Now would you two please?”

A groan in unison erupted as Eren and Jean shuffled their way to the forest with at least a ten arms distance kept between each other.

Armin passed them in the middle of their ridiculous broad distance. He had his arms crossed and sighed when he reached me.

“You think this is a good idea?” I let my eyes wander off in the general direction of where Eren and Jean had dipped in the forest.

“We will see.” Armin tugged a loose blond strand behind his ear. He showed off relaxation but also faint wariness.

“Mind telling me now what your other plans are?”

“No. You will see later. It would be too staged and probably wouldn't help reaching success if several people knew about what I have in mind.”

I quirked a brow at him. Several people? It was only the two of us. I was certain there wouldn't be much difference.

“I know what you’re thinking right now.” He waved his hand in refusal. “Just play along. That will be more than fine. We will—”

“What the fuck?!”

Our heads instinctively bent to the direction of the source of the yelling. It was coming from the forest. Of course. Who else here would be doing that.

“Oh God, no.” Armin exasperated and was the first one to move. As we reached nearer, messy shouts and profanities mixed together and decayed the air. By the time we had Eren and Jean in our sight, we had arrived right when both were holding up branches their own sizes, about to attack the other with that. They had looks of villainy in their eyes, ready to seriously hurt the other.

“Jean! Eren!” Armin screamed at them, not wasting a second to stop the worst from happening. My senses reacted only a split of a millisecond later, so I was quick to help him. While Armin shoved Eren’s branch away, I grabbed Jean by his shoulder and discarded the weapon from his hold.  “Are you two fucking  _insane_?! What was that just now?! Couldn't you two collect some woods like normal people!” Armin swept his angered glare between Eren and Jean, madness striving in those baby blue orbs.

“He shouldn't have doubted my qualities as a husband!” Jean exclaimed first, barking and throwing guilt at Eren.

“You started lowering me to an insufferable useless guy who wouldn't understand anything about relationships, as if you’re the only one who'd master a thing like that! And what qualities of a husband are you talking about?!! If anything, they are all  _failures_!”

“Shut the fuck up, at least I am already married. You don’t know shits because your shithead is hollow as fuck and you suck at dealing with other people. You always did! This is why we can’t be friends at all!”

“I never would want to be friends with you anyway—”

“Hey! Eren, shut your mouth. Jean, you be silent now, too.” Armin tugged Eren farther back, hand hovering over Eren’s mouth and he spiked Jean a rapid glance. “Making false reproaches about the other’s relationship is stupid and very disrespectful. How could you two dare and do that? And that you even went violent. God, you could have seriously hurt each other! Guys!” Disappointment was evident on Armin and he blinked between the two fast.

“Eren is a good boyfriend.” I told Jean eventually, shaking his shoulder once to make sure he wouldn't miss my words.

“And Jean is a good husband to me.” Armin said to Eren. A shuddery outake of breath left his lips. “You two scared me to hell. Come on. Now grab the woods you found so far and let’s go. We still have two nights to spend here. Don’t make it the worst on the first day.” Armin beckoned Eren and Jean to pick up the branches that were spread on the floor. They gathered a few in their arms each at the same time. “A serious apology maybe?”

Eren frowned at the items in his hands, finding it seemingly hard to get off of his pride trip. “Sorry. Didn’t want to hurt ya.” he eventually mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

“Uh, yeah. Wounds wouldn't have looked good on you, either. Sorry ‘bout that.” Neither did Jean meet Eren’s eyes. He stood up first, woods carried in his arms, and he strode back to the cottage, absolutely in silence. Eren was the next to walk away, just as mutely. His expression looked firm and stoney-faced.

“I can’t believe their prides are this hurt.” I soliloquised, watching them distance themselves from me and Armin.

When I turned to him he looked at me with big, empty eyes. “That was close.”

“I think everything would have turned out only half as bad as what it looked like when we saw them attacking each other like this.” I tried to reassure, while I myself was secretely glad that it hadn't come that far.

Armin huffed, combed his hair back. “I have to try harder. Heh, they’re so stubborn and stupid. This will be some journey.”

A hot pot dinner outside by a campfire was cancelled for today, too.

Back inside the cottage, we were, oh what a surprise, met with them bickering again. When Armin opened the front door for both of us, slipping inside, we didn't only hear their roaring barks but the sight of them in the living room was presented to us like a cheap, ludicrous premiere show. Eren was jumping up and down on the sofa, raging and snapping loudly at Jean while Jean was hoaling at him from a few inches away. There was lots of incoherent brawling, but in between I could make out a “Fucking get off the couch, you damn dog!” coming from Jean and Eren did everything but doing as told by him.

“Guys.” Armin was drawing out that word, attempting at best to stay cool. Both silenced when Armin stopped his stretched out warning, meeting with an innocent smile that was too bright to be genuine or hide signs of irritation. The tilt of his head was pointed and a threat lingered faintly in that motion. “How about showering and then calling it a day, hm? It’s not a bad idea if we go to bed earlier today. Tomorrow we have some things planned.”

“And that would be what?” Eren questioned hard.

“I will go shower first!” Jean ran off with that, as if he wanted to be faster than Eren, not even giving him a chance to compete with him.

Armin shrugged that off with a sigh and said, “You’ll see tomorrow, Eren.” He waved his hand to his left side, cupping his forehead with his fingertips then. “Oh, and don’t. You don’t have to tell me why you were on that sofa or what initiated the fight this time. Honestly, right now I am not very eager to know.”

“Am I getting on your nerves with my behaviour? Armin, this is not my fault!” Eren sounded humorously ridiculous.

“Eren, please. Not now. I know what I agreed to. This is all my idea in the first place. Let’s just get ready for bed, okay? You  _will_  have to take a shower, too; you fell into sea water.”

“Yeah, yeah. Fine.” He climbed off the couch and made a beeline to where I was, grinning widely. Knowing that I shouldn't fight against or dodge his embrace attack, I let it happen to me.

With an ‘oof’ I rounded my arms around his lower waist and he rested his chin on my chest, looking up. “Do us a favour and don’t be too obnoxious.” I said and brushed his front locks away.

“Hey.” he complained, offended.

“Most of the time your fight with Jean is exaggerated.”

“Jean is the drama queen, not me.” Eren huffed sourly.

Armin seemed to not even bother listening, rummaging in what seemed to be a storage room, first door in the hallway.

“Go and get prepared for your shower. We can talk later.” I gave his ass a soft pat as he dashed off smoothly, and the fight from before seemed to have been forgotten by him as if it had never happened. How they kept up with this, I didn't understand.

Armin came back with a box that had some dark blue material placed in it. “We have a king size bed and a guest room here. But I think, to meet with the conditions of my plan, we should all sleep together on an air mattress.” He took out the flat material and spread it on the floor. I helped him sticking the electronic pump in and in a matter of a few minutes there was a blown and bouncing sleeping place established.

“And who will sleep where is also determined?” I didn't need to ask this question because I had that feeling Armin would have planned even that.

“Have three guesses.”

“Oh, I think I don't want to. Or have to.” I wandered my gaze off to the side, bored, looking at nowhere in particular.

Meanwhile, Armin sat down on the sofa as he tied his hair into a lose pony tail, releasing a heavy sigh.

“Already exhausted?” I approached him, but didn't sit down.

Armin raised his full dark-blond eyebrows. “No, I shouldn't be exhausted  _yet_. There’s still two days ahead of us.”

I casually pocketed my hands in my shorts. “I don’t understand how you could endure this for so long. Isn’t it too annoying seeing them yell at each other every time they see each other?”

Armin rolled his eyes up, as if in thoughts, pursing his lips. “They—we all made it somehow. But as you can see this is not the optimum. Jean and Eren have to interact with one another like  _friends_  not  _foes_.” I merely nodded to that.

Half an hour later the two boys had cleaned themselves off – having been in the showers seperately, or else a third World War would have been triggered off – and Armin wanted us to lay down already, though offering that we didn't have to sleep yet but could talk or watch a movie together.

“What the fuck is this?! Armin, babe, there is a very comfy kingsize bed waiting for us in the bedroom. The bed in the guest room is alright for Eren and Levi, too.”

Armin looked up to his husband, sweetly smiling and explaining in a soft voice, “Yeah, but I want us all to sleep together tonight. The other beds can wait for us one more day.”

“What the…”

Armin fluttered his eyelashes at him, pure and candid. An argument between him would probably mean an easy win for Armin.

“Okay, but I will sleep by the edge of the mattress, right.”

“You’ll sleep on one half of the middle.” Armin tapped his palm next to him.

“At least tell me Levi is going to sleep next to me on the other half.” He sounded hopeful but despair crawled up for what was most likely to be revealed.

“Eren will sleep next to you.” Armin said in the same voice he had mustered the past few minutes.

“Oh my god! Armin, please!” Jean put his face in his hands, groaning as he threw his face back.

“Are you always going to decide as you like without asking us?” Eren whined at his best friend, not looking the least more impressed by this than Jean.

“Yes, seems so. Most likely.” Armin’s sweet words didn't falter.

“You shouldn't try complaining.” I growled at both, taking my own place on the mattress. “It’s just for the night when you two are asleep most of the time. Don’t start yet another fight because of this. Eren, come here.” I beckoned him by patting the empty spot beside me.

Eren did so and Jean imitated him on Armin’s side.

“Shall we watch a movie?” Armin suggested.

“No, I would rather sleep already.” Eren made it himself comfortable on his sleeping spot, scowling softly and I did register a faint scowling leeriness towards Jean.

“For once I agree with you, Yeager.” Jean said that without giving Eren a look, not even turning his head to him. He fumbled with his blanket.

“Don’t you dare roll your body to my side. I won’t hesitate to kick your legs or arms off me.” Eren warned.

“Oh, dude, don’t worry. The mere knowledge of the atrocious existence next to me will keep me away from you, my body doesn’t feel attracted to someone like you anyway, not even in my sleep.”

“Jean, don’t say that.” Armin grazed a hand over Jean’s mouth.

I held back a gradually fuming Eren who sat up quickly to mess with Jean. But I stopped him. “Don’t start a fight now. Please.” I whispered to him. He sent Jean a few more glares before laying down again. “You stink.” was all he said. He must have meant it in a practical sense, just aiming for an insult, since both had showered barely an hour ago.

Jean snorted. He had found his sleeping position and it was, of course, with his back facing Eren. At second thought, this appeared to be the best for all involved. Jean snickered, though, seconds later. “When Eren is asleep, one can make many jokes on him.”

“Jean, you won’t do that.” Armin stroked his cheek.

“If you fart, I will stick my foot into your ass.” Eren snapped louder than suitable for the night.

“Keep your weird fetishes and kinks to yourself, Yeager.”

Armin shushed both to silence and I coaxed Eren to face me, calling out his name lowly to reprimand and make him forget mostly about who lied on the other side by shuffling him closer to me. Eren welcomed that gesture and kicked off Jean’s foot only once when the other had annoyed him with that, snickering mischievously.

For the most part, the night was slept through nicely.

The next day breakfast was monstly spent peacefully, reason being in both Eren and Jean having ignored each other thoroughly. Each of them had their attention turned to their respective lover. Not that I would complain about being washed over by Eren’s love in general, but I knew it didn't help the actual situation. One look at Armin, which was returned, told me he was thinking the same.

He didn't take action until around lunch time. Armin suggested we shall cook outside by an open fire. So it was him and me peeling off and chopping vegetables and other ingredients (having Jean and Eren use knives to do that was a bit too early and thus too risky at a time like now), but instead Armin sent them off to prepare the kettle.

He instructed, “There’s a kettle outside by the watertap in the backyard. Fill in the kettle almost to the rim. Since it’s big you two have to carry it together to the fire place. Each of you will have grab one handle and move in sync. Got it? It’s not that difficult if you’ve settled on a pace and some mutual understanding of how the other is carrying it.”

They answered with unintelligible noises, shrugging their shoulders. They left off without anything more to utter.

For several minutes we didn't hear much beside the distant sound of running water wafting inside from outside at the back of the house. Then our surroundings fell into complete silence again and it brought a proud smile to Armin’s face. “You hear it?”

“I don’t hear anything.”

“Exactly.” Armin had halted chopping his potato before he had asked, presenting me the silence he meant. “I had already guessed that a rather easy task like this would work out. They just have to carry something together.”

However, suddenly, voices rose and it ascended from nowhere else than outside. I stole Armin a knowing but questioning look.

He moaned with annoyance, fixing his stare on the ceiling. His chopping got ragged and hard and his potatos looked like big cubes. “I should say it’s alright, but I  _know_  that once they start talking with their voices gaining volume it wouldn't end well most of the time. Gosh, why were they doing this. What happened this time?”

On a different occasion I’d have laughed this off, seeing it as a joke. But not now. Not when Armin slammed the knife down and stomped to the front door. Not when Eren’s and Jean’s voices became louder and the amount of curses piled up. By the time I had reached the stairs leading down to the front yard that was basically all sand and a few exotic bushes, Eren was on the ground, Jean looking down at him with balled fists and a spilled over kettle between them, transparent liquid colouring the sand a darker brown plus a slight tone of grey.

Armin had already passed half of the route to them. He wasn't exclaiming anything yet. He didn't even call out their names yet.

Instead, Eren shouted angrily, “Why do you have to ruin everything for me on purpose?! I’m sick of it!”

Jean screamed back just as loudly, “I am not ruining anything for you! But you seem to have fun ruining my mood every damn time!”

“How could you two mess up such an easy task?” Armin threw his arms in the air as he paced closer to them.

“It was his fault!” Eren and Jean said in unison, fingers pointing at the other.

“You wanted to shove me aside with that kettle first!” Eren reproached.

“No, you!”

“Stop it.” Armin’s harshness seeped an underlying danger. One more false word and they would get to know the other, less enjoyable, unpleasant side of him. “You two have to stop thinking that the other wants to mess with you so that you think you have to pay him back first, before the other would do so. You two could easily do something together if both of you seriously wanted that.”

Jean snorted first. “As if Eren thinks of me as someone on the same level as him.”

Eren puffed out breath, his irritation just lightly tamed. “You’re the one who thinks that you’re better than me.”

I barged in with, “The actual problem is that you two think it becomes toxic when the other is around you. Stop thinking the other is like some venom.”

Armin added, “You two are decent humans. Eren, do you really think Jean has some nasty villainous attitude and wishes to harm you? If you really think so, then can you explain to us how I am still together with him if that were his real personality? Do you think I would love someone who seriously thinks ill of you; you—who is my best friend?”

“I can vouch exactly the same for Eren. He doesn't wish bad things upon you, Jean, and he does really mean it. I know that because…” A suave feeling in my chest had me remembering some vague memories about Eren that all held nice moments. It always felt nice when being around Eren. I found that out at some point while spending my life with him and I had that guessing it would be the same with his friends. He wasn't the type of person who could purposely hurt his friends. “Eren is the most righteous and genuine and kind-hearted human ever. Because else I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. And with these things, he can only be a good friend as well.”

Eren had his head turned away from us, taken the opposite direction and Jean had his arms crossed, looking in the same direction as Eren. It was almost simultaneously that they shifted their gazes forward, lowering their heads ruefully. Vulnerabilty and regret were displaying on their faces.

“Jean. Eren.” Armin spoke calmly, “You two don’t have to act childishly.”

Silence.

Jean spoke up first, holding out a hand to Eren. “Geez, man, I didn't want to seriously hurt you. Never wanna.”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t stand the idea of cruelly ruining your life either. That’s so below our levels.” Eren grinned lightly, taking Jean’s hand and stood up.

“You all fine?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Besides the fact that I wasn't kissed by Armin the past few hours yet, everything else that is part of Jean Kirstein is hella damn alri—”

“Spare your words, Jean. That doesn't fill the kettle with water.” Armin grabbed the rim and watched me with pleading eyes. “Can you help me carrying this to the backside and filling it with water and then bringing it with me to where it should have actually been standing by now?” The choice of his words was condemning on purpose.

“Sure.” I replied and didn't bother glancing at the other two who must be going through feelings of scalding guilt.

“Hey, Armin, I’m sorry. Jean and I can do this now.”

“Yes, right. Right, babe. Please let us do this. Don’t be mad, okay?” Jean’s fingers found Armin’s cheeks.

But Armin wasn't having any of that. “No, I want it like this. I want you two to follow us and watch how we do this. How it is properly done.” The last thing he said surely hit the part of Eren and Jean that had to endure the guilt defiling them now.

With a few hours having passed after lunch and new energy floating through Armin’s system, the next step on his plan was taken. We all were sat together outside (because Armin had wished for that), but after some time he stood up, face lit up, stretching his body and he rendered.

“How about we play something nice? There’s a table tennis table nearby. Let’s play ping-pong, it’ll be fun!”

Jean was planted on his feet right away, seeking Armin’s proximity, and Eren stood up, wiping sand off his clothes.

“That’s a very good idea, babe. A very good idea. I’m in for sure.”

“Well, uh, yeah. Ping-pong sounds nice. I don't have anything against that either.” Eren casually retorted. Armin nodded, he couldn't be any more content.

“Haha,” Jean laughed mockingly, proud, a hand smugly thrown over Armin’s shoulder. “I don’t have anything against you, Levi, but Eren,” His eyes flamed up with blazing fervour, “I’m gonna crush you.”

Before Eren could twitch a muscle, Armin was already at the receiving end, his fast reactions surprisingly showing off as casual. “Impossible.”

Jean was at a loss for words, startled for a second, babbling with tongue and teeth. “Babe, have some faith in us. We can do this. We will beat them.”

“No, I’m saying this is impossible because you and Eren will be a team.”

“What?!” Both shouted in unison. Eyes and mouths were dropped open.

“I thought this was kind of a couple against couple game!”

“Yes, for once I am on Jean’s side with this idea!”

“Nope.” Armin was too gracious, too gracile, to have to shake his head vehemently. Instead, his locks smoothly swayed around his face as his head whipped to the left and right. “This is how I want it. Jean, Eren. We are not done yet with the actual purpose of being here.”

“Why not??” Jean asked, enraged.

“If you think you and Eren are all fine already, then you two wouldn't make a fuss about this team matching, right?” That, I had to admit, was a very good point.

“But—”

“No buts,” Armin’s statement was final, but still nice; must be because of the angelic upcurve of his mouth.

Their raw sighs met in a chorus, but both gave in reluctantly. “Let’s hope for a nice game.” Eren steered a glance at Jean and got a similar firm and stolen glance back.

Once settled around the table, Armin and I were on one end of the table, holding a ping-pong paddle each, Eren and Jean opposite from us, indulged in a dead silent staring contest that bordered on glares. May this game end well. I gave Armin a side glance, and he understood.

Without tearing his gaze apart from the two in front of us, he explained, “It might be that they aren’t disrespectful towards each other anymore, but there’s still the problem that they don’t get along when doing something together. We have to make them act as a team, so that they can interact better as friends.”

I had nothing to object to this, finding it a solid reason to set up this game.

“Ready?” Armin asked the other two, already placed in position with his paddle and ball. Eren and Jean answered with taking their own positions. Eren slightly nodded in addition. “Here we go.” And with that the ball was hit and flew.

It made a curve and slipped right in between Eren’s and Jean's position, taking the middle. They had not predicted the ball’s direction fast enough so their bats missed the little white thing by generous inches. Neither of them said anything, but both were squinting their eyes at the other.

“That’s a point for us.” Armin announced, raising the hand that held his bat above his head. “Can you pass me the ball, please?” It was Eren who picked it up and threw it in Armin’s direction. He caught it and offered me the next serve. His expression basically said something along the lines ‘just play along’. Oh, I will.

I hit next and aimed for a similar spot that Armin had chosen. This was actually a good choice to force Eren and Jean to communicate and coordinate together, to arrange their teamwork and cover the other when needed. When they realized the ball’s curve and approximate impact either one of them chased after it. Only resulting in them bumping into each other.

So they were this dense, huh? This would be a long game.

“The fuck. Can’t you watch where you are going?!” Eren snapped, rubbing his sides.

“Same goes for you.” Jean cursed under his breath.

“You have to talk to each other to come to agreements about who is going to do what next.” Armin said, and swung the tip of his paddle between Eren and Jean.

They muttered something that was too quiet for us to hear, but their angered faces that wouldn't ease told me that nothing good would come out of this, if it were to go on exactly the same as right now.

“It’s still your turn, right?” Eren seethed the words out through gritted teeth and I could swear the ball was bending in his balled fist.

“Yes.” Armin seemed unfazed, smiling.

The next few rounds were a catastrophy. It got worse and worse because when either Eren or Jean were able to hit the ball back on their sides and it came back, reaching red zone – in this case the middle of their side – it would always end in aggressive shoving or bumping—there was no in between. Things like “Move!” or “This is my ball!” or “Don’t stand in my way!” were screamed on a far too regular basis each round. They would continue with a few more yellings and insults before even thinking about going on with the game, and Armin and I would sometimes give them condemning glares, though we didn't say much because they should and  _had_  to realize that they were being immature with this kind of act.

That had been the plan. Up until now.

Right before Armin made his serve, Eren and Jean were situated threatingly close to each other already, and as the ball was hit they, just like I had guessed it, threw their upper bodies against the other’s, pressing hard to shove and get to the ball. There was literally no teamwork at all. To no surprise, at least to us, they missed the hit.

“Oh my fucking god! Can’t you be useful for once and not stand in my way?!” Eren tossed his bat to only God knew where, furious.

“You are the one who not even once let me hit when it was a hit to the middle! Look at this! We didn't make a single score! The fuck is that!!” Jean accused with his paddle almost touching Eren’s nose.

Eren slapped his hand away. “You’re the worst teammate ever!”

“Hey! Guys! Do you two really want to lose?” Armin played innocent.

“No!” Two voices combined to one.

“Then you have to communicate.” Armin pressed out each word as if he had to explain it to an oblivious child. “Now you know that aggressive body language isn’t working at all. So talk to each other, tell the other when and where it’s your own turn to play the ball, support each other, make agreements. Got it?” His closure was poignant and accompanied by two defined hard nods.

I opted for provocation. Heating up their will to win and thus make the compromise to work as a team. There was no other way out of this. “If you two want to lose, then do that. I don’t care. Even if this is just a game,” I silenced shortly for mounting tension, eyes focused on both alternatively, and I made a relentless declaration with, “We will crush you two.”

It worked. It appeared to work. Their expressions faltered for a split of a second. As though determination and a motivational fire had sprung into their bodies and souls now, bubbling up, feral, enveloping them like a powerful aura.

Nice.

Things were getting interesting.

“Oh, this looks good.” Armin whispered, smirking with contentment.

“I will take care of the right side.” Eren pushed out monotonously but harshly, robotic. He stared emptily at us.

Jean was no different. “And I will take care of the left side.”

“The one who is closer to the middle will hit.”

“If necessary, we will cover the other.”

“Let’s show them how good we are at this.”

The real game started here. Right at this very moment. And it was bursting.

Armin and I had to actually try hard to keep up with them, sometimes missing, other times using false timing. We got tangled up in coordination too when Eren and Jean were especially fierce to mess with our formation.

But it was fun, and we got Eren and Jean to where we wanted them; they were a team and worked as a pair. They talked to each other like normal teammates and behaved accordingly.

It was the last round and it was Armin’s turn. He was panting noticibly and I was breathing out quicker than usual, too. It was no different with the other two opposite of us. Last round and we were in a tie.

Armin hit, Eren hit back, firm, I received it and shot the ball to Jean’s direction much harder than Eren had done it, making it almost impossible for him to hit it properly back. Jean, however, managed some fluid and fast motion, so skilled, that it earned amazement for a short moment, almost paralyzing, Eren was wondrous at that, and both Armin and I realized too late that Jean had given us the ball back. It passed next to our bodies. An out.

“Yes, fuck, yes!” Eren and Jean cheered, roaring victoriously. They leant their heads on the back of their necks and shot their fists in the air. Without much thinking, so it seemed, they gave each other a manly hug in enthusiasm—only to notice seconds later what they were doing. They parted, pretending to act cool. Both cleared their throat and avoided eye contact.

“Ew.” Eren muttered.

“Don’t touch me and have any kind of hopes. I’m not gay for you.” Jean fixed his collar, awkward.

At least they weren’t fighting.

“Well,” Armin shrugged his shoulders. “We kinda won too, right?”

“Yeah.” I agreed.

Eren’s expression was filled with amazement soon again. He bumped Jean’s arm playfully. “Dude, now tell me. How did you do that awesome move?! Looked so crazy, I wanna do it too.”

“That’s what Kirstein blood is.” Jean bragged too self-confidently, but all of us let him do for now.

We let them talk and discuss and joke around a bit more before someone rose the question of a second play.

This time Armin suggested beach volleyball instead and this time it was couple against (married) couple. After a little break we headed to the side of the beach that was decorated with a volleyball net. With the knowledge of finally being partners in a game, Eren clung to me and hugged and kissed me for a long while before he would even think about actually playing.

At times like these, Eren could be so cute.

The volleyball match was just as ferocious as the second half of ping-pong. All of us where kind of good at it, tossing and spiking and attacking and defending. When I smashed the ball to the sand on the other side of the net, Jean would do that too a bit later; when Armin made a good serve that neither I nor Eren could catch, Eren did the same later as well.

In the end we called it an end with a tie as a result.

We were satisfied with that, though. And not once did Eren or Jean quarrel in any way.

It seemed to have worked. Armin looked content with the outcome as well.

“How about a campfire next?” He made two thumb-ups.

\- - - 

**Eren**

“It’s good to see this development. You did well, Eren. Jean, too.”

I hummed approvingly, taking one of the branches Armin was offering me and I put it on top of the pile that was soon going to be the campfire.

“I hope you and Jean won’t fall back to being rivals.”

“Nah.” I gave him a crooked smirk. “We won’t, I’m sure. Jean is,” I thought of a suitable word, “acceptable. He  _can_  be endurable, and I am alright with that side of him.”

“Good.”

We took some more sticks to fill the pile with and by the way a small talk was being held.

“Do you have any plans for tomorrow for all of us? Because Levi and I had wanted to—”

A sound of a sudden snap came from Armin’s hands, branches cracking into halves as his hands hooked around them, as if he had used more force than necessary but at the same time hadn’t planned to crack them. “He was doing fine without them.” he said slowly, grinding his teeth. He forced a smile while his eyes twitched in subtle madness.

“Huh?” My head took the direction of his and I came to sight with Jean and Levi sitting down on sand, looking out to the sea. Levi was smoking, which was no surprise to me even if I detested that, and Jean was… “Jean smokes? I didn't know that.”

“Last time he smoked was when he was in university. He did that only occasionally, though. But since then he didn't do that. I think he understood I would prefer if he didn't smoke.”

“I see. I think it was Levi who offered him some?” I looked back at Armin and saw slight disappointment in his eyes.

“Maybe.” he mumbled. “I hope he won’t start again.”

I contemplated for half a minute, and stood up then. “Okay. I will go to them and shoo Jean away from there, to you.”

“No, Eren. You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s okay.” I beamed a smile.

Witt that, I left him behind by the fireplace, aiming for the two smoking guys. It was now that I remember my failed attempts of making Levi stop smoking back then when we hadn’t been a couple yet. Levi had told me once that I had been so close to making him give it up, but when I had broke up with him, he seemed to have started again. And since then I haven’t picked up my efforts once more.

It was time for that soon, I guessed. When I reached them, I lowered my gaze to Jean. “Jean, Armin is alone there preparing the fire. Maybe you want to help?”

Jean did no more than looking past me, shooting his head back, cigarette still between his lips, taking a drag. Disgusting. “Armin is alone? My Armin? That’s unheard of! I will go to him. Don’t worry, I will take care of this.”

He stood up rapidly and when we were basically face to face, I hissed at him with a growl, “Not with that cigarette.” and glared at him.

At least he got what I meant right away, cursed, and threw that thing away. He looked regretful.

“Don’t worry, Armin still loves you.” I imitated some of his words, and tried really hard not to sound too mocking.

Jean dashed off and I sat down on his previous spot.

“Yo.” Levi didn't share a glance with me, but wrapped his arms around me and slided my body closer to him.

I squirmed a bit. “You should stop smoking.”

“Mhm.” His vibrating hum was not telling much. “Listen. There are many things I did when I was a teenager. Smoking is the only thing I continued with when I got older and more mature.”

I gazed at him and was sure that there was more to Levi’s story. However, I didn't know if I should and if Levi wanted me to ask about it. So I just stared questioningly.

Levi noticed my light internal struggle. “I will tell you on some other day.”

“Maybe I should start using my methods again to make you stop smoking.”

“Eren, it might have almost worked back then. But now it would just be,” Levi seemed to fumble with words in his head, “Well. You used to always kiss me when I had the urge to smoke. And many times it led to more. You want that again? Pointless make out sessions that can go further to more sexual stuff? I think it was fine back then before we became a thing. It was more suitable because of what we were. But now I want to kiss you and you to kiss me because of feelings. Not because you have a job to do.”

He pecked my forehead, and while it was some sort of smokey kiss, I appreciated it, giggling. “That was nicely said.” A little pause. I whipped my head to him, fast. “Doesn't mean I won’t stop you from smoking. I will find other ways if I have to.” Levi was more than amused about this, taking it far less seriously than he should. “Really! How about, um, I don’t know, you seek my mere presence and spoil me when you feel like smoking.”

“That can’t always work.”

“Why not?! I love getting spoiled. Especially when it’s you spoiling me.” I purred in his ear.

“Eren, it—”

“Heyyy!” Armin's voice reached to us with a dragged shout. Additionally, he was waving. “It’s all done. Come here! We will roast some bread and sausage and marshmallows, and watch the sunset. It’s almost time!”

“Let’s go.” Levi got us both up and took my hand. I snapped away the cigarette between his lips with my finger and a scowl to which he rolled his eyes and smirked at the same time.

“Better.” was all I said, grinning.

“Let’s go.”

Hand in hand, we ambled leisurely towards the campfire.

The hot dog and s’mores were delicious, all of us ate much, maybe even too much, and now we were all lazing around the blistering fire, blankets under us and around our bodies. I was the farest to the left, leaning on Levi’s chest to my right. Next to him Armin was cradled on Jean’s lap, Jean’s arms wrapped around his torso. The silence we drank in was luminous and peaceful. Our senses were calmed down by tranquility and all burdens were washed away by the soft sounds of waves in the background.

A stellar night. Harmonious and kind.

“We did it.” Armin said and it seemed to be directed at Levi.

He looked at him and smiled. “Yeah. Your idea was okay after all.”

“You helped me out. Thanks. The way you played along helped a lot.”

I tugged at Levi’s shirt. Levi’s eyes lingered on me now. “Give me attention.” I whined, pouting.

Levi huffed a smile. “Okay, you brat.”

Not affected to the slightest by his name-calling, I snuggled more into his chest and Levi covered our bodies more in the blanket, kissing my hair.

“By the way, Armin. What do you want us all to do tomorrow. Are we free from your torture now?” My words left my lips, muffled by the blanket.

“Yes. You can do whatever you want with Levi tomorrow.” Armin chuckled.

“Levi, you promised me a date on this island.” I said quickly, excited.

“There are some options for a date on Kirmin. Choose whatever you want.” Armin said, and Jean stroked his face lovingly.

“A date it shall be then.” Levi smiled down at me, genuinely.

Without having to say more, our lips met in the middle and we fell into a long slow kiss.

It was not like Armin and Jean wouldn't do something similar, they should because it would be cool, I think, but I was already super excited because to me a date on an island, being almost all to ourselves, was special.

I couldn’t wait to enjoy it with Levi to the fullest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else who thought Armin's island would play some role in this fic once? Welp, me neither lmao XD
> 
> In case you didn't figure it out: Kirmin is a combination of Armin's and Jean's name. It comes from Jean KIRstein and ArMIN Arlert. I wanted it to be something Armin/Jean related but it would have been too ridiculous to call it Jearmin or Jeanmin or whatever. Kirmin does sound decent though, lmao.
> 
> So... next chapter will be a side-chapter but it will be a hella important one so DON'T YOU DARE SKIP IT!!!!
> 
> (I have a feeling that the side-chapter will turn out very long....... *prays* please don't let it become 25k+ please don't let it become 25k+ please don't let it become 25k+ !!!!)
> 
> Yes, I know. This chapter wasn't very plot-relevant beside Eren and Jean having made up. Maybe it was boring to some of you? I don't know. But tbh I am satisfied with the outcome.
> 
> But I would appreciate it if you left some comments <3
> 
> See ya!


	34. Side-Chapter 3: Levi's Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's already been a regular chapter that had the same chapter title. But this one here is a side-chapter ^^
> 
> I really wanted and needed to write it, so that all of you can understand Levi because the second part of his past life (living with Kenny, in the orphanage and with Farlan and Isabel) had been a mystery up until now. But there are important events that made him the way he used to be in this fic at first.
> 
> So I hope you can enjoy this chapter, even if it doesn't have much Ereri :')
> 
> I once did a messy sketch of how I imagined teenager Levi to look like (I'm no artist though haha) You can see it [here](http://pinkheichou.tumblr.com/post/166300090786/super-quick-super-messy-super-unproportional)
> 
> Also, there's fic art! *^*
> 
> A big thanks to Fizzy who drew me fanart [here](http://pinkheichou.tumblr.com/post/162745760971/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-okay-so-fizzy-fizzyxox-drew)! I love it sooo much, it looks gorgeous! <3
> 
> (It took me 3 days to edit and proofread this long chapter, so I am sorry for any mistakes that are left. I will edit this chapter again on another day ;^; )

Levi

  
“You’re going to visit your family?” I asked while I did the dishes.

  
“Yeah.” Eren, next to me, who would dry the clean dishes I gave him, answered softly. “Mikasa got first place in a competition that her university had hosted, so now we kinda want to celebrate a little; you know, music and lots of food and stuff. Mom would really like to see me there.”

  
I hummed an approval, not really swayed by that newly gained information. Hence, I went on with doing my dishes without further inquiries.

  
Eren was the one who revived a conversation by suggesting, “How about you come with me? Yeah, that would give you an opportunity to finally meet my parents.” I faced him, spotted a broad smile on his face.

  
Even this didn’t really stir anything inside. At least not yet, not now, not today. “The idea of meeting your parents is a nice idea and of course a necessary one at some point, if I dare say, but today I don’t feel like wanting to go to a festivity.”

  
I was given a pout and slight doubt in return. “I know you don’t like parties, but you sure you don’t want to go today? With me?”

  
“I am. It’s okay, Eren. I don’t mind it at all that you’re going alone—if that is what you were worrying about.”

  
“But one day you have to meet my family for sure!” Eren announced promptly, body stretched with determination. “Okay?”

  
“Of course.” A petite upcurve of my lips as I seized his towel to dry my hands. When done, I leant against the kitchen counter with my back, hands planted onto the edge. “I prefer meeting your family without any strangers around us. Let’s make that moment an unhurried one.”

  
Eren dropped his gaze to the sink for a second, seeming to mull over my words. He nodded repeatedly. “Mh, yeah, yeah. Sounds good. Okay, fine.” The beam on his face was back.

  
“Also with you going to your family it’s a good opportunity for me to visit my own family as well. I hadn’t seen Cassie and Richard for a while now.”

  
Eren formed a small ‘o’ with his mouth, closing the distance to me. He lay his hands next to mine on each side, leant forward until chest was pressed against chest. “You’re right. That’s the best thing to do for now.”

  
His other towel rounded his neck so I took both ends and edged his face closer to mine, until my lips grazed his forehead. “When are you leaving?” I spoke into his smooth hair.

  
“I had planned to go in half an hour.” Eren rested his chin on my shoulder.

  
The soft serenity of his presence blending together with my soul, hazily, soothed the inner of my chest.

  
“All right. Well then, I shall leave about the same time.”

  
Each of us got ready for our visits and when the time had come, we parted by the entrance door. On request, I should send my parents greetings that came from Eren, however the other way around it wasn’t the same. Eren had suggested that he’d let his parents know about me when I’d visit them in the future for the very first time, just so that his parents hadn’t had the chance to annoy Eren with prying questions today or any day where I wouldn’t have met them yet. To that, I had agreed, unhesitating. All that had mattered to me was for Eren to have it the easiest with this issue.

  
I hopped inside my car and put the key in the ignition. Since Eren’s parents lived in the east side of the city, the opposite direction of my family’s home, I couldn’t give him a drive without having had to make the biggest detour ever.

  
Meaning that Eren was taking the bus while I sat in my car, turning the key to roar the engine to life. The only perk I had been granted with was the lack of resistance coming from Eren who would start a discussion with me whenever I lit up a cigarette while he was close to me and also bore the fact that it hadn’t exactly been my first smoke today.

  
So with a blithe, eased feeling I put a cigarette between my lips, lit it up, took a drag, turned on the radio where a random song was playing and eventually pulled out of the driveway.

  
The ride wasn’t short but it wasn’t long either. On my way, halting in front of a traffic light, I leant my arm on the steering wheel and took a long drag. The smoke was released slowly, as slowly as my thoughts processed in my mind right then. Thinking about something that was apparently important in life but I had never seen it as such.

  
Eren went to visit his family. His family. My family. Family.

  
I never put much thinking into that before, viewed my own one as no more than people I had been fine with having around me for a span of time (although even that had needed efforts to reach because it hadn’t always been like this).

  
It was luck for me that I ended up having such a nice family who’d supported me. Living that decent life together with them when back then,  before Cassie and Richard adopted me, everything had been worse.

  
***

  
Numbness. Freeze. Death.

  
The only three emotions and thoughts that I had been a vicitim to. Knees pulled to my chest, arms hooked around my legs and becoming stiff; sitting on the cold floor, breathing shallowly, I barely kept myself alive, didn’t do anything to prevent myself from facing death soon. Just like… her.

  
I had already shed all tears that had been in my body. No matter how hard I tried, how many times the one image of her head hitting the surface and of her body dropping to the floor, of her life slipping out of her right in front of my eyes played in my head, I couldn’t produce tears anymore to mourn over it.

  
It was as if I was robbed of a thing that was a necessary part of misery. And therefore the result had been numb sorrow coursing through my body. Nothing hurt, nothing felt like anything.

  
The approach of death hovering above me weighed me further down to sickening agony.

  
How much time had passed since then? How many hours, days, was I sitting on the floor, trembling terribly, starving, gradually rotting alive. How many days since that guy had… to her.

  
Shit.

  
Proof of it – her death – stuck to my limbs, messily smeared and dry.

  
The moment hadn’t remained in my memory, but it was clear that, for the longest time, I hadn’t spared her a glance, hadn’t looked at her limp, lifeless body; eyes gaping forlornly straight forward while she lay to my right.

  
Dead.

  
I had probably been close to my own death when someone finally found us. A miracle that this would even happen. Our neighbours weren’t quite the ones who cared about what people living around them were doing. Or whether they were fine. Wouldn’t consider making sure whether they were still alive.

  
“Oi, Kuchel, why is the door left open?” Someone said, voice sounding off from the hallway, but the person not visible yet. I recognised that voice, had heard it a few times in the past. It belonged to a man who I never saw much more than a crude and intimidating man. He could be much worse, for all I knew. But he wouldn’t be as cruel as… that guy. No, because he never hit Kuchel before, he never did anything to me. He didn’t push my mom back so hard that her head started to bleed.

  
Kenny – my uncle, mom had once said – entered the living room and his at first closed eyes (a hand resting on his hat) landed on Kuchel’s body right away. “Kuchel?” he said  hurriedly. “Oi, Kuchel!” He sprinted, knelt in front of her and placed her in his arms. He patted her cheeks and shook her upper body. “Kuchel?! Oi, say something, answer me! Kuchel, what happened? Kuchel!”

  
No matter how much he would shake her, she wouldn’t wake up anymore.

  
He halted once, looking frantically around, but even then he missed my presence. “That fucking… Where is he…” he cursed under his breath angrily.

  
I freed myself from my freeze partly. “S-She… She is dead.” Every word was chipped.

  
Kenny finally noticed me, eyes widening not remarkably. I dropped my own gaze to my feet. I could swear Kenny emanated murderous flares from how agitated he was. I prayed that they weren’t directed at me.

  
“Levi! Oi, Levi.” He laid Kuchel cautiously on the floor and approached me, keeping me in place with this hands gripping each of my arms. “Levi, are you all right? You’ve blood on your clothes. Are you hurt somewhere? Levi!”

  
My throat, dry as heck, made my voice crack terribly. “I-I had tried to stop her bleeding. But there was so much. I had really tried to make it stop, but I couldn’t! There was so much blood! She’s dead because I couldn’t stop her bleeding!”

  
“Levi!” Kenny’s voice didn’t cease the anxiety and nearing panic attack from channelling through me. My shivering felt like little explosions bursting under my skin. I stared into his eyes, hollowly, losing bits of my sanity. My life. My soul. “ _Fuck._ ”

  
Kenny stood up and walked around in the apartment, checked every room and came back defeatedly, hand combing his hair as he sighed heavily. His pained expression complemented my anxious one. He pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing through gritted teeth, “I fucking knew this guy was nothing for you. I knew he was a gross asshole. But this… That it would come this far… I’m so sorry, Kuchel. “ He knelt down and carried my mom’s torso in his hands once more. He stroked her front hair back and away from her face. Then his fingers wafted over her eyes, closing her eyelids gently.

  
I couldn’t witness that. Too numbing was the misery in my chest.

  
“Let’s go, Levi.” Kenny said, voice now back to rough and casual. His emotional – more empathetic – side was like faded.

  
“What?” I babbled, confused, as he stepped up to me. He took my hand and pulled me onto my feet.

  
“You can’t stay here, obviously.” It was a mystery to me how Kenny could mourn one second and grumble with biting venom the next one, practically having two personalities in one.

  
As he tried to leave with me, I pulled back against his tugging, to the opposite direction of where we were going, his grip on my wrist restricting me, however.

  
Kenny noticed. Glared down at me. He picked me up and walked away like that.

  
I struggled, wound my body to the left and right, stomped with my feet in the air. Just anything not to leave.

  
“Don’t struggle, brat, we have to go!” Kenny growled, gripping me hard to keep me from slipping away from his hold.

  
I struggled further, not taking my eyes off the woman on the floor. She lay in a crib of liquid dark crimson. Snippets of memories flashed through my mind; of the things I had experienced with her; the things she did to me, good and bad; the miserable life we lived but which had also had warm moments; the day when her eyes lost their shimmer of love for her own son which I so much believed in having really had happened. Emotions simmered haphazardly inside me.

  
In the end, the strongest emotion won.

  
“Mom!” I extended an arm towards her as tears, that had welled up in my eyes, tumbled down my cheeks.

  
That agonising sight was the last thing I ever saw of her.

  
From then on, my life changed exceedingly. As if time had stopped and readjusted. Allocating a new part of life to me where I could try again. Live a different life. Without my mother. My mother, who used to always be by my side. My mother who also used to beat me—

  
I was a child. Barely six years old. I didn’t reflect on life much, but I could sense that nothing would ever be the same for me again.

  
Stubbornly, helplessly, desperately, I had been fighting to get off Kenny’s grip until he brought me to another living place. His own apartment so it seemed. However, once he put me down it was as if a switch had been used inside the clouds of my emotions and my body went still, tears and sniffs dominating. I cried like a child who had lost its toy when in reality I had lost something that was grander than a toy. Something that couldn’t be replaced. Not even Kenny could replace it. I didn’t want that anyway.

  
What if my life was going to become worse from now on? What was Kenny going to do with me? He wouldn’t want to deal with a kid, right? One time I had heard him talking to mom and claiming that her life would have been less difficult if she hadn’t decided for me. I couldn’t grasp what exactly he’d meant by that, but it was clear that he thought she was better off with me nonexistent. With me abandoned since I was existent.

  
Too late. Mom her already done that once. Had abandoned me. Even if she came back and picked me up again, she had done it! She had probably done it because she had agreed with Kenny! I—

  
“Stop, crying.” Kenny’s voice rumbled like the hardships in these slums. We all were the same. Doing everything to survive. Kenny sounded like a man who didn’t want to deal with problems.

  
I was a problem to him.

  
Hiccupping, I wiped away the streams of wetness on my cheeks that were covered by new flows of tears again and again. From the occasional blinking, I made out that Kenny had knelt down to meet my watery eyes.

  
“It’s enough, okay? Stop crying now, for Heaven’s sake.” I still had trouble not to bawl, swallowing my hiccups, biting my lips to mute my sobs. The tears would silently trickle down, but more gently, merciful. A tiny peace during the grief. Kenny went back to towering over me and said, “You don’t seem to be hurt anywhere. So I can leave you alone now for a while, huh? Go take a shower and grab something in the kitchen if ya want. I need to do something. Will be back later.”

  
I had no idea what kind of comfort I had expected from him after having gone through these things the last few days. But I couldn’t say that I disdained him for being like this. It was still better than getting insulted or beaten up.

  
As for now, everything was bearable for me.

  
Kenny did leave right after, just as he had announced it, and I was left to myself—falling back into the state I had been in for the last few days. Weak, helpless, lonely, a castaway. The void feeling and numbness engulfed the inner of my chest again. Like a black hole that devoured anything, I was alone with no future in life. It would take only some time until Kenny would have enough of me.

  
With these dark thoughts, I indeed took a shower, pretending to clean off not only the blood and dirt but also everything of the past. The pain, the anger, the loss. Life could become miserable again at any moment. But if that was to happen, at least I wouldn’t face it with the demons of my past. I had to become strong. Could I ever forge a spirit in order to cope with life? Could Kenny help me with that? What was he going to do with me anyway? I didn’t feel like asking him that either.

  
Once I got out of the shower, I grabbed a towel and wound it round my whole body. I couldn’t find anything to wear – and I didn’t want to put on my decayed and bloody clothes either –, so I I stayed like this, wrapped in the towel. I headed for the living room and sat down on the couch. Hair damp from the water, the towel at least keeping the rest of my body warm, I waited. Minutes. Hours even. I didn’t think of getting myself some food. I had lived the moment of starvation many times, experiencing it once more didn’t make a difference. Some time later, Kenny did come back. So he hadn’t lied about that. For some reason I hadn’t considered the possibility of him leaving me behind here now. It could have happened just as well. But Kenny came back.

  
“I see, you’ve showered.” His first words met my ears with less crudeness. Nevertheless, I instinctly shrunk with my body, tightening the hold on my towel.

  
I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I had the courage to speak up. Timidness wasn’t very welcomed right now. “I-I couldn’t find any… T-There weren’t any clothes for m—”

  
“Oh, yeah, right. Here. I was able to find some on my way back.” He tossed a bag onto the couch cushion next to me. I eyed the bag as if it was an alien object before I slowly opened it to reveal the content. Plain kids clothes. They looked decent. Not torn or worn-out. “Ya eat something?”

  
I shook my head, didn’t think about how Kenny might react to that. It had been an act of reflex of mine. Kenny muttered something inaudible to himself. And before I could give him the chance to target the kitchen, I had to ask one last thing. An important question. It burned on my tongue like fire. I didn’t want that uncertainty. “Where’s mom?”

  
Kenny stopped in his tracks, back facing me. His long black coat lay massive around his shoulders and back. Silence. He didn’t reply immediately. I had the feeling he kinda grasped that I wasn’t oblivious enough to think mom was still there where we had left her.

  
I had to know the answer, though. Just… _anything_.

  
Kenny raised his head, slowly. “Was there are place you and your mother liked to go to? A place that held some nice memories? You and her.”

  
Odd.

  
“Yeah. There is one.”

  
“If you’re ever recalling memories of her, then go to that place.” Kenny scratched his head, seemingly unsettled.

  
Silence filled the living room. An idea on how to retort didn’t cross my mind at the moment. Then, Kenny just fled to the kitchen. I remained still for a long time at first, thinking. About this, his words, that place, mom.

  
I didn’t know yet that, later in my life, I would not once visit that place.

  
By the time I had actually brought myself to putting on my clothes, locking the thoughts away dutifully, Kenny had come back with a sandwich placed on a plate. While the bottom part of myself was already dressed, I had yet to slip on the shirt. Half-naked like this, the majority of my bruises were visible. They hadn’t healed yet.

  
Kenny scowled at them as if they were a contaminous disease. I noticed his hard stare and instinctively lowered my head, out of shame. But the next second anger visited me.

  
I scowled back at my own uncle, the corners of my eyes gleaming with little drops of tears that were threatening to spill. I bit my lip.

  
_Mom and that guy did this to me!_

  
I had wanted to say it out loud, to scream it wrathfully, but every word was trapped behind a closed gate.

  
Sighing loudly, Kenny said, “It’s decided now. I’m going to teach you how to fight.”

  
I stared at him mutely, expressionless.

  
He gave me his word and it was less than a week later that he practiced the basics with me. The basics which had already become a challenge for me.

  
I toppled over the floor with a loud thump. The fifth time today.

  
“Oi!” Kenny roared from behind me.

  
I slowly picked myself up, arms and legs trembling. My attempt not to tear up failed at this very moment. I began to sniffle.

  
“Stand up.” he went on with an abrasive voice.

  
I stood finally, turning to him, meek and terribly defeated. Even if I was only a beginner, my pride was suffering from it as well.

  
With my eyes fixated on the floor, hands clenched by my sides, so hard they were quavering, I mentally prepared myself for yet another reprimand.

  
As expected, Kenny knelt down to my height. Like that, he could yell at my face the best. I didn’t want to meet eyes with him. His raging stare was tangible, boring holes into my skull. A finger pointed at me, really close to my pupils. “Are those tears in your eyes?” he asked threateningly slowly, thrusting every word aggressively through his lips.

  
I shook my head, the accumulated wetness in my eyes almost spilling with how I had closed my eyes. I even rubbed them to erase any evidence. Evidence that Kenny had already spotted. Oh God, how pathetic I was.

  
“Levi.” Kenny’s calm but vigorous voice jabbed like needles through my skin. It gave me anxious goosebumps. I remained silent, direction of my gaze unchanged. “What did I tell you time and again?”

  
I chewed on my bottom lip, the words replaying in my head. Simple words providing simple instructions. They weren’t hard to remember.

  
But hard to stick to them.

  
“To not cry while fighting.” I mumbled under my breath, being probably unintelligible for anyone else but me.

  
“What?” Kenny questioned, accentuating that he hadn’t heard me properly.

  
“Do not show any emotions while fighting!” I exclaimed, putting some volume into my voice.

  
“Then why are you crying?!” Kenny barked back with at least twice as much volume.

  
Humiliated, I bit my lip harder, so hard it would hurt if I were to draw back apruptly. There was no point in remaining weak and becoming mentally smaller. If I wanted to change, to gain strength, I had to take demands. I wiped my palms over my eyes one last time. “I won’t cry anymore!” I claimed decidedly.

  
“We’ll see about that, brat.”

  
No more reluctant acceptance of people looking down at me. It was hideous for me, a child, to stand up to Kenny, a grown adult. But I did. Looked him directly in the eyes with a newborn blaze and fervid determination erupting from my eyes. I maintained an eye contact with him, didn’t loosen.

  
Kenny had a brow risen at first, subtly grinning down at me then. “That’s better. Come, we’ll repeat that technique from just now. Get in position.”

  
I did as I was told, almost lousily performing the posture I was taught no more than half a week ago. Meanwhile, Kenny had created a decent distance between us. As of right now, he didn’t bother getting in his defensive position. His hands were hidden in his jacket pockets, lazily. I would be lying if I said that this wasn’t irking me.

  
Releasing a yell while attacking, I ran towards him, in my mind the next steps were already mentally realised. I could sense that I might be able to do better this time.

  
How wrong I was with my assumption. I hadn’t seen one of Kenny’s moves coming, so that - in the end - I ended up getting thrown to the floor again.

  
“Ouch.”

  
On another day – it was basically always like this after our training sessions – I was sat at the kitchen table, biting into my loaf of bread and having a bowl of plain soup in front of me. Barefooted, I sat there, eating as my legs would jiggle back and forth rhythmically. Bruises were visible on my arms and legs, the rest hidden beneath my clothing. Though, I didn’t see them as bad. They came from the trainings so it was fine.

  
“Do the bruises hurt a lot?” Kenny asked as he changed his location from the kitchen door frame to the empty chair next to me.

  
I shook my head, humming lowly. “They don’t hurt so much. They hurt even less when I don’t think about them but about my goal instead. Just as you told me.”

  
Kenny rarely revealed many or different emotions, the day when he saw Kuchel dead on the floor had been the only moment I saw him so agitated and upset. Even now he merely fixed me with a vacant stare, eyes hardened. “All right. That’s good.” He stood up and left, ruffling my hair at last.

  
I didn’t interpret much into that action.

  
This was the way I practically lived. Training, eating, growing up. All of my efforts were directed at my goal to become stronger. To have the knowledge and techniques to totally rely on myself and defending myself whenever it would be needed in the future. Kenny had left the impression on me that this part was significant, so I valued it as such. With the years passing, improvement came and with my maturing mind, I started to seek for approval and praise.

  
However, next to nothing came from him.

  
Upon that realisation after 4 years, when I had finally turned 10, I was constantly split between believing that Kenny had not once seen my doings worth enough to praise (no matter how hard I had tried) and convincing myself that Kenny was a man of few words anyway. But was praise expressed through words only? It wasn’t, right? But even then, I hadn’t seen him express anything in another way.

  
It seemed that I had to accept and get over it. Approval shouldn’t be necessary for me. All that mattered was a good defense. I think I wasn’t doing as bad on that as I used to in the beginning. Inwardly, I prayed for a sign of my hard trainings – and all the bruises and bleeding that came with them – being paid off one day.

  
As I hit the age of 10, there came a time where literally everything turned upside down in my life. Kenny and I barely went outside together, the most that had occured was me doing errands for him, like buying groceries or new clothes for myself. Even then I had mostly done it alone.

  
But this time, it was different. Everything was different and everything felt strange within me. The ride was long and Kenny didn’t tell me anything. The first time we went somewhere together that took hours to go there—’there’ being a mystery to me. Kenny even had a big bag with him, though I didn’t catch at home what he’d put inside.

  
Once we reached our destination, he’d only demand from me to follow him. I did and after we stepped out of the bus I ran to Kenny’s side, having a hard time to keep up with his long and quick steps. There was a big old building located before our eyes, the surroundings adorned with a few trees and bushes here and there, a crappy front– and backyard, the next houses a few hundreds of meters away.

  
The house here was sporting a sign at the front, fat white letters on a black board. Ever since I started living with him, Kenny had allowed me to go to school though in those 4 years and with how lousy school was in the slums, I didn’t absolve the best education so far. But with enough concentration I could make out the word being plastered on the sign like a big warning. As if one shouldn’t go farther or else they’d enter hell.

  
O-r-p-h-a… Orphanage… orphanage? Wasn’t that a place where children with no parents were living?

  
But why would Kenny…?

  
An elder woman, broad around her waist and chest, waited for us at the front door. She spiked glares at me. A shiver shook in the inner of my bones and I furrowed my brows, slowing my steps, falling behind Kenny.

  
Kenny noticed and turned to me. A small flight of  stairs seperated the woman from us. Kenny knelt down. For the majority of the time he had barely cared about making eye contact with me, acting as if I hadn’t been with him the whole time.

  
As if I never existed for him.

  
He talked in an unwavering voice. “Levi, the time has come where I can’t let you stay with me anymore.”

  
“Why?” I staggered with my voice, mentally rejecting his words.

  
“It’s not possible anymore. I have to leave my place for a long while. It’s because of work.”

  
“Then take me with you to your work! I don’t mind!” Although Kenny had never told me what his work was, I had figured out quickly that it was something where he had to stay away from home for a while. It hadn’t been a rarity that I was left to myself for the night and morning or for a few days even before he’d come back. Not once had I been troubled with that because I had learned how to live on my own and take care of myself for a short amount of time. That Kenny would have to leave for long while was a novelty.

  
He shook his head, slowly. “I can’t do that. You can’t come with me. Also, it’s most likely that I would barely have time to take care of you in the future. Levi, now is the time for us to part and go our own paths.”

  
“But… but… I don’t want to live here. I don’t want to live in that orphanage with all the strangers. I was fine with living with you!”

  
“Levi, it can’t go on like this anymore. You have to accept and face it.” Kenny placed a hand on my shoulder, almost empathetically, as if he was genuinely sorry.

  
I didn’t get it. Why did it have to come this way? Why didn’t Kenny do something to keep us from separating? First, he taught me all the things about fighting, devoid of any indications of creating an interpersonal connection between us and now he wanted to put me in an institution that was generally running a low and bad reputation. As if I didn’t deserve anything else.

  
As if I belonged here.

  
“Let me tell you something, though,” No. Shut up. I didn’t want to hear you anymore. You’re shitty. “Once you go inside that door, remember everything I taught you. Don’t become scums like the others. I’m sure one day you’ll be able to get out of this place and out of the slums. But for that you have to be better than the others. Don’t let anyone ruin you, okay? You can do this.”

  
So this was it? This was the reason he had taught me how to fight in the first place? Because he had had in mind ever since _the very beginning_ to put me in an orphanage when I would finally be ready for it?

  
“Here’s your bag; all your belongings. Try to have a nice life, a’ight?” He patted my back once and took his departure.

  
I didn’t turn and watched him leave. I stayed frozen in place. My face crunched to a bitter expression. Certainly, I didn’t fancy it at all how Kenny had decided over my life. But what was there for me to rebel against it? I was a victim to this fate.

  
It laid back a few years ago that I had literally lost the ability and sensibility to cry over a thing that upset me. The trainings and his constant reminder not to show weakness – emotions – had incorporated in my body for the most part. There was nothing to cry over anyway. Kenny leaving me behind in my life wasn’t the same thing as it had been with mom.

  
I shouldn’t get upset over it. This was my destiny and I had to make the best out of it. After all, it was always about survival in the slums. 

I eventually passed the old woman who hadn’t bother greeting me so I didn’t greet either, and with that the next part of my life began.

  
Life in an orphanage was atrocious. Not the same as living on the streets (it was better than that because we received food and a bed to sleep on), but the conditions and circumstances we were all living in were on the edge of immorality.

  
7 up to 12 children lived in a cramped room which size was supposed to fit four people at most inside. We were given food and water only if we did our chores of cleaning the everlasting dirty floor and windows, doing the dishes that consisted of over 100 pieces, scrubbing the rusty toilets clean, and doing the laundry. Most important of all was behaviour. If we disobeyed or slacked off, we would receive punishment right away. Starvation for a day or two was a common punishment, sometimes hits with a belt was the case.

  
No matter what, I had told myself to never ever become a case for the belt. Unpredictable things could happen. Just the thought of getting hit riled up my temper and had the power to fuel my slumbering aggression.

  
Also, I found out within the first few days of my stay here why Kenny had invested time in teaching me how to defend myself.

  
They hadn’t been my roommates, but a group of boys – all of them older than me – circled me in the laundry room during my duty one day. Their clothes looked shabby and their hair nasty. They stunk and didn’t seem to be tolerable.

  
“Hey, newbie. Shortie.” I sucked in the urge to snap at that last statement. The boy wearing a cap smirked mischievously as he cocked his head to the side. “How about you do the chores for us? You wouldn’t mind that right? Don’t you dare say anything wrong now.”

  
As if on cue, the guy next to him repeatedly hit a bat against his open palm. The other two mimicked the first boy’s posture and gaped at me with evil eyes.

  
I looked into each of their faces, scrutinisingly, testing. Pondering. Calculating.

  
They maintained their demeanour of appearing like a threat while I was still contemplating.

  
At last I said in an unafraid voice, “Go roll in some dog pile, you asshole.” It was as if I literally heard them snap.

  
They attacked me.

  
And within two minutes, I had forced all of them to the floor, making them groan from the pain I had inflicted on them with my hits and kicks. Then, I casually walked away with the laundry in my hand, leaving them whining on the floor. Of course I was seething inside for they had thought they could do that with me. I despised the fact that I had been looking like a feeblish person who was easy to persuade to them. No one was allowed to use me for anything. My short height and slender body might give a false impression, but in the end my strength was what counted. If anybody wanted to mess with me, I wouldn’t hesitate to show them who they were daring to belittle.

  
I had kind of already expected for the four dudes to gossip about me with others, but I had seriously not predicted a reaction of such a dimension.

  
Everyone, literally everyone, had started to turn their backs on me. Everyone stayed away from me, physically, avoided me at any costs. Apparently, the guys had spread the rumour of me being a ruthless kid who wouldn’t hesitate to attack anyone as I liked. They began to fear me. I was weird to them.

  
A monster.

  
I would hear some children say that around me, when I was passing them, and wherever I was, they tried to keep the biggest distance from me. It was clear that they dared even less to exchange some words with me. If I was in their way in any form, they accepted it and moved on.

  
Perhaps it was better like that. If no one messed with me, I wouldn’t have to deal with problems. I wouldn’t cause any problems. I just did my duty and was granted a life as an orphan who was a loner.

  
It took a very long time for my roommates to understand that I didn’t want to harm them, but even when they finally understood, their opinions about me didn’t change—neither did their attitude when being around me.

  
That was how it went on for me. I did my duties alone, ate at the dining hall alone, spent my free time alone and didn’t talk to anyone.

Changes, new challenges, crept up very slowly when the orphanage got a one new member.

Three years later, when I was 13, someone else joined us. His name was Roy. He seemed to be at least three years older than me. And he was an extrovert. An extreme extrovert and he didn’t hold back from showing it. So much attitude and confidence lay within himself which he liked to brag about. He was unabashed and impudent and self-entitled. Obnoxious and stressful in my eyes.

Of course, sooner or later, he would notice that I was practically treated like a outcast in the group. It was during dinner one time where he stood up from his place to near me and holler “Hey. What about this guy? Why is he sitting alone? Doesn’t he have any friends?” by the way. The tone of his voice trailed along some low degree of spite.

  
He grinned at me uglily, I forced myself to avert my eyes, annoyed. And I didn’t give two shits about not showing that.

  
“Don’t go near him!” A younger boy shouted, hands in front of his mouth, scared. 

  
“Why not?” Roy questioned, shrugging his shoulders.

  
“He’s a monster!” A girl exclaimed, and several others nodded their heads or agreed vocally.

  
“A… monster? Oh, c’mon, that sounds ridiculous.” Roy laughed and eyed me then.

  
I just continued eating, trying to will away the condemning vibes and stares revolving around me.

  
“He beats people! He can kick you and he can break your bones! He is like a monster who has no heart and destroys anything! Some of us got beaten up by him! He hurt them really badly!”

  
If only they knew what would have happened to me if I hadn’t done that. And the caretakers here would ignore an incident like this. They wouldn’t want to do more work than necessary. Who cared if one or two were terrorised. Of course the four shits had changed the facts and presented themselves as the victims.

  
In the end, I didn’t fucking care.

  
I didn’t care what anyone was thinking about me.

  
“Is that so?” Now, Roy was viewing me with an intrigued glint in his eyes. Against the mass’ plea, he headed for my table, plumping down on the bench across me. A few gasps and mutterings arose. “Nice to meet you. My name is Roy.” He held out a hand.

  
I glared at his open palm at first, then at his self-assured face with that crooked smile. Roy’s face looked okay. Blue eyes, a big flat nose, plumb lips and spiky brown hair. His hand was calloused.

“Fuck off. Or else the monster here will eat you.” I said in a casual voice, and took another bite of my meal. Honestly, the stares of all the others vexed me the most.

  
Roy tipped his head back once. “Don’t look at the others. I’m not like them. I like people who stand up for themselves.”

  
“How do you wanna know that I am no bully? These people could be right. I might like to beat people up.”

  
“I know it. I can kinda sense it. You aren’t the type for a bully. You want your peace and you want to do your own stuff. Let’s do our stuff together. I’m sure we can find common interests. Being alone isn’t always cool. So? How’s your name?”

  
Squinting, I examined him, starting from his hand up to his smirking face. Was there anything to lose for me? If things came to the worst, I knew how to defend myself against him or anything he’d persuade me to. I could give it a try. Maybe he wasn’t that bad after all. At least he wasn’t judging me by the rumours he heard.

  
“Levi. It’s Levi.” I shook his hand.

  
With Roy, I seeemed to explore totally new ground over the next few months. Experiences and doings that bordered on problematic marked many of our days. Roy was a much more experienced guy in almost everything that was bad.

  
He gave me first experiences in smoking, alcohol, and drugs. For the latter, we usually went to a place (a side-alley in a city that didn’t belong to the slums area) and met a few other guys there who would give us our dope. Whether it was snorting cocaine, injecting heroin or smoking weed, Roy showed me everything and I gave everthing a try at least once.

  
Other times we participated in illegal street fights; illegal because people were betting on winners each round. I won all fights that Roy had told me to participate in, just because he'd bet his money on me. Money which only God knew where he’d got it from. The orphanage didn’t grant us allowances. And yet Roy had always some money to pay for drugs or beer. But in those street fights I’d never seen Roy fight against someone. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was more skilled in eloquence than physical activities.

  
At least he didn’t treat me like scum. He gave me a feeling of us being on the same level. Would always tell me that we were a good team. That everybody else was unimportant. Only us and our interests. If we wanted to do something, there wasn’t anything holding us back. Surely, this kind of attitude brought along complications with the adults in the orphanage. We misbehaved and for that we were supposed to do extra work and starve until the next day. However, we didn’t care, ran away for the night instead. We would find something to eat on the streets.

  
I slowly began to think of how it wasn’t so bad at all that Roy and I were doing stuff together. Up until now I hadn’t felt like being used. Roy understood me and I tolerated him. He was okay, I guess, I could ease around him. I wouldn’t feel like being around a threat when we were spending time together. I could convince myself that liking him was all right. And so I did. I accepted him as a friend.

  
Though, I thought that some stuff we did after some months was beyond the definition of a friend. Roy had awoken my interest for it (well, okay, half of the reason as to why it had happened in the first place was because of us having been stoned as fuck) and while it had also remained as a painful experience in my mind, Roy was the first one to take my virginity. Later blowjobs had also been a part of our usual activities.

  
Nevertheless, he reassured me more than once that we would stick together. No betrayal, but loyal friendship with some extras. I believed it all, believed him, gradually slackened the invisible walls of my defence around him. To the point that I even allowed myself to feel something.

  
One day, Roy showed me one is his ways of “earning” his money. Pickpocketing wouldn’t always be a success, so he rather took it a step further. The things he stole from stores – mostly electronic devices – were sold to one of his friends who redistributed them on the black market.

  
“It’s actually quite easy.” Roy said in a low voice. We had found a electronics store and were currently eyeing smartphones—the brand new ones. For what we were going to do soon, he had suggested to wear baggy clothes, a hoodie. “Of course there are cameras everywhere, so we have to act as naturally as possible. We’ll just casually pass this line here and - watch me first - slip one of these babies into our hoodie pockets. Do it the same way I do it, got it? It has to look casual, no one should notice something weird. So, once we’ve done that, we can’t just run away. There are cameras outside as well and, more importantly, there are securities right by the exit. We’ll leave at a time where many people want to leave at once. When there’s a bigger mass at the exit, then it’ll be harder to figure out who it is that stole something. Once the alarms set off, don’t get irritated by it. Walk casually until you’re far away to be caught on camera, and then you can run. Understood, buddy? This is how I do it, this is how we’ll do it.”

  
I signed an approval by nodding, lips pressed together. There was no use to deny that my heart was kind of flipping out inside my chest, but I traced it back to the belief that it was just the adrenaline thrilling me. I wasn’t scared, actually. But I didn’t want to fail either. Getting caught would cause so many problems and I didn’t want to deal with any of them.

  
“One phone can give us a lot of money.” Roy lectured, his glistening eyes already imagining a full success.

  
“Yeah.” I plainly retorted.

  
I had that odd feeling that someone was staring at me; blazing deadly glares into my back. But I didn’t want to turn around. It gave me chills and froze me in place.

  
“Oi, Roy.” I hissed in a whisper.

  
“Hm?”

  
“Is someone watching us?”

  
Roy whipped his head back, discreetly of course, swaying his gaze over the people in our proximity. “No. No, there’s no one looking at us.”

  
“Are you sure?” I almost snapped with how unconvincing his answer was to me.

  
“I am.” Roy said, voice firmer, resolute.

  
I took a quick breath in, slowly breathed out. “Okay. Okay, fine. It was probably just false alarm in my head.”

  
“Don’t piss your pants, dude. You can do this.”

  
“Yeah. Right.”

  
“All right?” I nodded again, having eased myself.

  
We proceeded as planned. Took the phones as if it were our own. Left a bit later as if we had purchased something a second ago. Acted invisible when the alarm rang a shrill chime.

  
And as soon as we established a fair distance, we ran. Ran as if the police were already chasing us. Quick and brisk. A total fucking success, Roy had been right. This was going to be my first income of lots of money in only one day. This was Heaven.

  
All of a sudden, my speeding run was halted by something—that something felt like a crushing grip on my arm. While Roy ran further, not having figured yet that I had gotten hindered, I had to face one more obstacle. Roy and I had agreed beforehand on not helping the other when running away. Each of us would have to get away with the theft on our own. I was okay with that. Totally fine. As long as it wasn’t a security dude, I would be able to free myself from any cages.

  
Preparing to kick the person’s crotch, a leg risen, my body was harshly turned around.

  
“Levi!”

  
To sight came Kenny’s face that was squelched with rage.

  
“What the actual fuck?! So this is what you’re going to become? A fucking lousy thief?!”

  
“Wha—” Barely understanding what was happening, why Kenny was here and how he’d found me, I tugged at his hold. “Let me go, asshole! Fuck off!”

  
In response, he tugged me harder towards him, his eyes burning. “Why the hell would you steal stuff, huh?! Many scenarios were playing in my head when I happened to coincidentally spot you, _a poor orphan_ , entering that shop. I hoped so badly you wouldn’t do the shit that you in fact did, you damn asshole! Don’t become like that!”

  
His words caused my head to buzz. “Fuck you! You never cared about me anyway!”

  
“Did you forget about what I said to you last?! I _told you_ to be better than the others! I told you to try and live a better life than that of a low scum. Do you really want to become a criminal? Someone who will be a case for the police? You want to spend your life in jail where no one will pity you? You know what will happen? You’ll either become useless to society, repeatedly doing the same shit and going to jail for it over and over again, or you will become as pathetic as the men in the slums. You want that? You really want that?!”

  
With a dry throat, I stared at him, shaking everywhere. This was too jarring for me. Mindlessly, I put all my thoughts into getting free. “Let me go!”

  
“Levi!” Kenny gripped both sides of my arms, squeezing painfully. I was forced to look him deep in his wrathful eyes. My body and mind were on high alert. “Listen to me now. Listen carefully. I couldn’t take care of you anymore, that’s true, but that didn’t mean I set you free to the outside world to fuck your whole life up! Don’t do shits that ruin your life! Don’t let yourself get influenced by others who aren’t good for you. You can do better than that. You aren’t weak! Do you get it now? You can become a decent human, even though you are from the slums. Live, Levi, live!”

  
He shook my body as soon as he finished, his eye contact having hypnotised me to listen obediently.

  
Because of that rage, I have become a clouded mess. His wordes were swirling in my head, in a riveting way. “I—… I was j-just doing stuff the way they came up to me th-e whole time…”

  
“Consider twice what you want to do from now on. Don’t agree to every shit. It can end bad for you.”

  
“I…”

  
He let go of me, now towering above my head like a skyscraper. His shadow fell over me.

  
“I…” I tried again, but my throat constricted.

  
“Don’t throw the value of your life away, Levi. Do something with it with which you can be proud of.”

  
These were his last words before he walked away. Leaving me behind once more.

  
Giving me pacifistic advice, but running away like a coward soldier.

  
And yet… his words… reached a spot in my chest that had me thinking my life over. Whether I should go on like this or not.

  
Was it worth it? Did I really need it?

  
Was my life low because of what I was making of it?

  
Whater the answers were, I had made a decision within seconds. A decision I hoped to never regret.

  
So after I threw the phone into one of the containers behind a shop and a had an hour-long releasing walk, I went back to the orphanage. There, I faced Roy in the washing room where we’d meet often to discuss plans for the day. It wasn’t washing duty right now.

  
“Hey. You’re here. I knew you wouldn’t let yourself keep caught. Did the securites catch you?” Roy tipped his head to the side and gave a half-hearted smile.

  
I negated with a shake of my head. “No one of the securities saw me. I met someone else, though.”

  
“Oh? Who was it?”

  
“That doesn’t matter. But what matters is what I have to say.”

  
“You’re making it sound as if it were hella important.” Roy crossed his arms and chewed on his gum, blowing a ballon that burst when it got as big as the width of his face.

  
“It is. Kinda. I… I don’t want this anymore.”

  
“You don’t want what?”

  
I stretched my arms to sway them in a semi-circle to my sides. “All of this. The stuff we’re doing together. I don’t want to steal.”

  
“Huh?? Where does that fucking change of mind come from? You had wanted to make money with stolen goods a few hours ago! We didn’t even fail with the first theft we did together.”

  
“Yeah, but still, I don’t wanna go on like this.”

  
Roy squinted his eyes, irritation slowly clouding his facial features. “Who is the guy you talked to?”

  
“It doesn’t matter. I—”

  
“What fuckery did he tell you?! Man, Levi, what the fuck! You’re acting like a girl! Where is the old, fearless Levi who didn’t hesitate to do anything??”

  
I breathed in and out deeply. “Roy. I don’t have the intention to act like my past self anymore. None of the stuff you and I did will happen again, at least not with me. You could… stop with it too... and join me. Or you can carry on with your plans, I don’t care. I just won’t partake in them ever again.”

  
Roy’s expression softened a bit. “Okay, okay. So you don’t want to steal, I got that. It’s okay. We have other ways to make money. You can just participate in street fights then. That thing brought us—”

  
“No.” I interrupted him easefully, but ultimately, “No more street fights for me either. Nothing that is illegal.”

  
There was a reaction whirling inside Roy. Emotions bubbling up. Something like anger and denial.

  
But at that moment I was foolish enough, so optimistic and naive, to actually think I could convince him into thinking that my suggestion was the better one. I looked at him with a settled expression, a tiny smile hinted on my lips, and I had hopes.

  
After everything we went through together, I wasn’t indifferent to him, I assumed. He would perhaps consider my words, at least mull over them.

  
But it was only a few seconds later that the opposite was proven to me.

  
Roy revealed his true side to me. His egoistic and merciless side.

  
“Hey, Levi, that’s not how this works. That’s not how I want things to work. I think you didn’t get it. I can’t believe you really thought I would agree to your shit. You aren’t allowed to do as you will, you piece of shit. I became your one and only friend. I gave your life some thrill. You have to do the things I want you to do. You’re a good source of captial in street fights.”

  
“Do that yourself. I’ve never seen you fight there. Are you too weak for it, or what?” I quipped sourly at him.

  
Not the best idea. His eyes dulled, jaw hardening. “You think I’m a kind friend who hangs out with you for fun? Fuck no, I want to use you more and get all the advantages out of it. You were really pliable to my demands and wishes. You’re a good puppy whose inexperience and feelings I can use for my own advantage. And you won’t take that away from me. You worthless monster.”

  
As if we were suddenly beamed to the Antarctic, the air around me a million degree colder and freezing the inner of my lungs. Everything inside squeezed and hurt, head spinning. I felt like a fool getting stabbed in the back by a traitor when I was protecting them.

  
The reality was really close to that. Even closer than I had thought.

  
My bottom lip quivered very faintly as my widened eyes viewed Roy’s figure pathetically. “You… used me? Every moment we spent together was because you wanted something from me? You wanted gains from me? You manipulated me into thinking we’d be good friends? Talked me into stuff that was beyond a fucking friendship?”

  
Roy grinned grossly. “Let’s say I could have much fun with you. All kinds of fun. Each of them for my own entertainment. And now, Levi,” He retrieved something from his back pockets. A knife. He held it up threateningly. “You better take back your hippie shit. I would rather not lose something that can benefit me.”

  
All of his approaches, his efforts of talking to me and befriending me, his tolerance—everything had been fake. He used me. I got as far as to open up emotionally to him than I ever did to others, but what he did in return was to use me.

  
I fell into a trap and didn’t realise it. Accepted him and unbolted part of my feelings to him only to find out that he had never meant it well with me. I had been a good fool for him. That was all.

  
I had trusted him to a big extent. A big mistake.

  
“You don’t want me to beat your old self into you, do you?” he growled spitefully, smirk splitting into two.

  
When the inner numbness finally stopped, I felt like forcing myself to remain in that state forever. If no parts of myself could feel anything, I couldn’t get fooled.

  
But I was feeling things. The bitter taste of betrayal clawing at my limbs, eating me alive with its sharp and snarling teeth. Emotions of when Kuchel betrayed me revisited me, much stronger though, and I had the gross urge to let my pain out with a cry.

  
“Go,” I grumbled hoarsely, the wetness in my eyes stinging, “fuck yourself.”

  
Roy ran to my direction, the blade of his knife pointing at me.

  
I shook, furious disappointment making me mad. Prone to defend myself. Attack. Destroy the one who destroyed yet another part of my life. I thought I was done with that. Done with failures.

  
Against my believes, Roy hadn’t been a total weakling. He knew moves and tricks and swung his knife skillfully. But in the end I was better. Stronger. More aggressive.

  
Driven by my roaring, primal instincts, I blocked every of his attacks and attacked him myself. He was on the floor within half a minute, his knife in my hand. The blade faced down, right over his face.

  
Roy eventually understood that he was stuck, that he had a problem right now. With how unpredictably mad I was, I could basically decide to slice him. The anger devoured me wholly, mind blank. I could literally… do something that I might regret later.

  
What did Kenny say?

  
Do not show any…

  
The whimpering under me touched parts of my sanity. So far, I hadn’t done anything except keeping Roy on the floor with my foot on his chest. He looked like going to piss in his pants very soon.

  
“Next time you want to hurt me,” I slithered through gritted teeth, breathing heavily through my nose, “don’t even try it!” And then I threw the knife, powerful. Purposely, I let its tip pierce the floor next to Roy’s face. Roy hadn’t figured that out right away and thus snivelled like a child, sobbing, from the moment on where I had let go of the knife.

  
With that, I left while he was still glued to the floor with how much he’d perspired. Every fiber of my being trembled anxiously, so that I had to flee to my room, locking the door.

  
I slided down the wooden surface as I attempted to even my breath when my conscience took over me, reminding me of what I had failed to stick to.

  
Kenny’s words. The one and most important thing he’d taught me throughout the years.

  
I held my head, laid it on my bent knees when the words sounded off like a mantra inside.

  
_Do not show any emotions while fighting._

  
Do not show any emotions while fighting. Do not show any emotions while fighting. Do not show any emotions while fighting.

  
Do not show any emotions… at all.

  
My breathing slowed down.

  
Don’t show emotions.

  
Don’t show any emotions at all. Don’t show any emotions at all. Don’t show any emotions at all.

  
Yeah, that sounded… good. Optimal, actually.

  
Why should I bother showing feelings and becoming vulnerable because of it when I could refuse doing so and protect myself with that method just as well?

From the things with Kuchel I knew that love was abuse, abuse, abuse.

  
Feelings were a nuisance. Causing problems for me. They just made me vulnerable.

  
I didn’t need them. Didn’t want them. I was better off without them. I wouldn’t have to get worried about getting hurt when there weren’t any feelings to abuse.

  
Don’t show any emotions.

  
With that new mantra slowly engraving into my head, coining my mind, I slipped into my bed and curled myself into sleep.

  
The doors that led to my emtions were locked away one by one.

  
Until I wasn’t feeling love or sadness anymore.

The next day it was found out that Roy had run away from the orphanage. After the incident in the washing room we hadn’t spoken or seen each other again. A week later it became clear that Roy wouldn’t come back. He was gone forever; fled to live a pitiful life somewhere else.

  
I, of course, embraced that circumstance, having gone back to how I used to live before he came into my life—with the one exception that now I put efforts into being distant and indifferent towards other people more than ever. It became a lifestyle so to speak; don’t open up to a person, don’t show private or earnest feelings to anyone.

  
Don’t get attached to a thing or a person which can also bring sadness to you later. Don’t care about other’s feelings.

  
Don’t show affection.

  
Don’t show any emotions.

  
Mentaly revelling in a sphere based on these principles, I gradually became familiar with them and acted accordingly.

  
I became a guy without feelings. A guy no one could hurt. Emotionally at least. Physically as well, if I didn’t purposely alleviate my fighting abilities by doing drugs or drinking alcohol.

  
Fast forward a month, I found myself in the public librabry. Occasionally, Kenny’s words flickered before my eyes and they would bother me for a while. It was true that I wasn’t doing anything illegal anymore, except smoking and drinking once in a while (but no one could charge me for that anyway).

  
And now here I was, a crappy attempt at educating myself by reading books… or something like that. I couldn’t quite exactly tell what I was planning to do or hoping for with this, but doing it already gave me a satisfactory feeling.

  
Strangely enough, reading books was okay. A good activity to kill time. Some books were exciting enough to make me stay in the library for hours. To no one’s surprise, I didn’t have the money nor the permission to have a library card, so I spent my time inside the library, reading the books.

  
There came a day where, for a reason I didn’t want to know, many people visited this place. A class full of students so it seemed. They filled the room that I had occupied with a book in my lap. Tons of kids flipped through books which they took out from the shelves, chattering with others by the way, another good portion just ran round the shelves and laughed and screamed. The teacher didn’t even bother doing something about it.

  
Extremely annoyed by it, I rose from my seat, clenching my jaw tight. What was left of my self-control prevented me from raging and telling them to shut up.

  
So, instead, I slammed the book back to its place and made a beeline to the exit. On my way, I came past a group of tables where people were studying. Someone stood up, a full plastic cup of water in their hand, when I passed them and, for fuck’s sake, we of course had to collide. The boy with creamy-blond hair mouthed an ‘o’ when he saw where a good amount of water had landed and I looked down at my wettened shirt with horror and anger.

  
“Oh, dude, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you coming. Gosh, I can be glad I didn’t opt for lemonade.” The guy had the ridiculous audacity to laugh.

  
Glaring violently at him, I grabbed the half-empty cup from his hand and poured the rest onto his laptop keyboard.

  
“Hey!” he yelled loudly. “Are you fucking crazy?! Why did you spill water on my laptop? My physics exam! Fuck!” He clutched his head with his hands, more desperate than mad, inspected his laptop which screen had turned black the moment the few droplets had met with the surface of his keyboard, only for him to accept that nothing could be saved anymore. That was when anger finally overweighed him, and he switched his attention to me, scowling and fisting the collar of my shirt.

  
“You ruined my shirt!” I reproached him.

  
“It’s just _water_ , what the fuck! It’d have dried off quickly. We have nice weather anyway!” He pulled me up by my collar.

  
“I don’t give a shit! I hate it when other people get on my nerve!”

  
“You fucking ruined my _laptop_! That’s not the same. Not damn fair! D‘you even know how _much_ a laptop costs?! You’ll pay for my broken one!”

  
“I won’t pay anything!”

  
“You will!”

  
“I won—” Suddenly, we were intervened by a noise. It wasn’t even a voice by one of the other persons present here. It came from the inner of my abdomen. My stomach had growled. Oh, hell damn it. Why did my stomach have to demand food right at this very moment? That was so humiliating, especially when I had been in a serious quarrel with someone.

  
The guy eyed me oddly with a raised brow, gaze dropping to my stomach. A frown weakly maintained, I involuntarily pushed out a strangled mewl between my ground teeth.

  
He released me with a pitiful sigh, and waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever. Go home and let yourself get fed by your parents. You sound like having a ravenous appetite, it’s unbelievable.”

  
I frowned, and covered my stomach with my arms, pressed firmly. “I don’t have any parents.”

  
The cream blond-haired stunned barely noticably. “Oh. So… an orphan?”

  
I didn’t reply, averted my eyes. Enough for him to interpret that reaction as a ‘yes’.

  
“Well, then, go eat something in your orphanage.” He suggested obliviously.

  
“Can’t.” I mumbled sheepishly, but my anger hadn’t completely faded away. My head was turned to the side. “I won’t get anything to eat for a day because I ran away from my cleaning duty today. It’s just really shitty for me because I didn’t eat anything yesterday. How idiotic.” I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity and stubbornness. I really needed to eat something soon, even if it meant to beg my roommates to snatch something from the kitchen for me.

  
The guy had regarded me for a long while, was lost in thoughts while closing his eyes, and at last shrugged to himself, packing his things. “Come with me.” was all he said to me, casually.

  
“Where to?”

  
He shrugged again. “A burger shop or so. I’ll get you something to eat. I’m kinda getting hungry too, to be honest.” He laughed heartily.

  
“I don’t want your pity. Fucking stop with that.” My frown deepened.

  
“Hey, show some gratitude. Rude kid. You are hella hungry, aren’t you? Better appreciate my kind offer.” He headed for the library exit, his bag slung over his shoulders. And I followed him aimlessly.

  
I complained, “I’m not _that_ hungry. Don’t make it sound like I’m starving, idiot.”

  
My words lost significance the moment I was granted a full tray of burgers and fries and a soft drink. Because I stuffed everything into my mouth like a hungry dog. The food was eaten in record time.

  
When I finished, I allowed myself a heavy and content sigh. The dude’s smug face came to view. With how he had his fingers threaded and placed under his chin and that cheeky grin adorning his expression, he was delighted by the fact of having been right with his assumption about my needs.

  
I gave him a glare as a retort, senselessly rubbing my belly.

  
“You full now?” he cooed extra nicely.

  
I glared hard. “Yeah.” I sat up straight, using a napkin to wipe off any grease around my lips. Meekly, I switched repeatedly between looking him in the eyes and averting my gaze. “You see… I can’t… the food. Uh…”

  
“Screw that. I’m inviting you.” The boy smiled as he sipped at the straw of his drink.

  
With that issue cleared now, there was another thing that gave me qualms. I couldn’t care less actually, but he had given me free food. So I at least had to explain myself. “About your,” I briskly pointed at it with my finger, hands hiding under the table less than a second after, “laptop. I had been pissed off because the kids were so damn noisy in the library. I wanted to go, but you spilled on my shirt and I got even madder. Look, you see— I don’t have any money. At all. I can’t pay anything. I can't… your…” Ridiculously frustrated, I succumbed to making quick decisions, resulting in me preparing to leave this place and leave that guy behind without any more words—just running away from my problems.

  
But that idea nullified in my mind when the guy said with a polite laughter, “God, don’t worry about my broken laptop. What I said to you in the library was without any meaning. My father has enough money. He could buy me 10 laptops if I wanted.”

  
“Huh? Really?” I was already stood on my feet, ready to go when puzzlement arose and blotted my face. My eyelids squeezed to a slit.

  
He nodded sincerely. “Yeah. Don’t shit yourself. We‘re cool about the issue with my laptop. Now sit down. You still have your drink left. Want more food?”

  
If this guy had any ill intentions, I was prepared for it. No one could hurt my feelings. Because I didn’t allow any to show off ever since that incident with Roy. So talking to him and hanging around with him couldn’t bring me any harm.

  
“No.” I said and sat back, swaying my cup.

  
The other male sighed. “It’s just a pity now because of my test. I will fail it for sure and can‘t do anything about it.” He covered his eyes as he said that rather to himself than to me, talking with exhaustion.

  
“What?” I questioned, not getting a word of what he was babbling about.

  
He opened his eyes widely, desperate. “Physics! I’m going to write a physics exam tomorrow, but I don’t understand shits. So I hacked the school’s system to get the digital copy of the text that has the answers in them. I was in the middle of copying the answers to study them and use them in the exam tomorrow _when you spilled water on my laptop_. I’m so gonna fail now. Oh god.”

  
I curled my brows, a hint of feeling dumbfounded crossing my senses. The guy went back to wallow in self-pity. He took his cup and sulked as he drank from it.

  
“Hacking is a crime.” I stated, casual, a matter-of-fact. I did wonder about how he could have the guts to confess his illegal doings to me as if he’d be recounting his day.

  
He stopped sipping, motionlessly focusing on me with his eyes. He smirked faintly. His hands dragged his cup towards my face—until the straw met my bottom lip. I’ve had had worse (a dick) _inside_ my mouth, but the straw was grossing me out enough so much. He seemed like wanting to put a finger on my lips.

  
“As long as no one else knows.” he whispered stealthily, winking.

  
I remained still, but was turning to unintelligible mush inside.

  
That straw on my lips gave me a crisis!

  
He finally let go and I emitted the breath I had been unknowingly holding in.

  
“Even if you were to tell anyone, that wouldn’t matter. After all, you did a great job in erasing all evidences. My laptop has become useless. Utterly and worthlessly useless.” The guy shrugged and took a sip.

  
Ew. An indirect kiss.

  
I rubbed my sleeve over my mouth. “Whatever.” No more than a mumble.

  
“What’s your name, by the way?”

  
I replenished the inside of my mouth and my dry throat with liquid. It was hot today. “Levi.”

  
“Cool. I’m Farlan.”

  
“Mhm. Good for you.”

  
Farlan took a little pause, surveilling me as he smiled courtly. “You wanna go back to the orphanage now?”

  
“Tch. Fuck, no. If I do that, I’d have to listen to the old woman’s nagging and complaints about my disobedience. I will go back when we have to head to our rooms.” Shamelessly, I grabbed a handful of Farlan’s fries on his tray, letting each piece wander down my throat delicately over my parted mouth and bent back head. I slurred while munching, “Meaning I still have lots of time until nightfall.”

  
“That’s good for you. Well, kind of. I have to go soon, though. Here.” He pulled out dollar notes. He tipped his head to the side. “I’ll give you this money. You can buy some sweets or whatever you’re craving for. Only if… you agree on us meeting again next week?”

  
Not having entirely listened to him, I had been trying to snatch the money from his hands, but stunned and halted when he had finished. “Huh? You want to see me again? What the fuck, do you want me to destroy your phone next time, or what?” I kidded, snorting.

  
He moved the money away from me every time and smirked spitefully. “I won’t let any of my electronic devices come near you again. So, what is it now? Deal?” 

  
“Why do you want to see me again in the first place? What the fuck. I’m the exact opposite of what you are regarding money and status.” I practically jumped onto Farlan’s laps to get to the money.

  
He eventually gave it to me without struggles. “You’re an interesting guy to talk to.” He swung his bag over one shoulder and made his leave, waving. “And I’ve never had an orphan as a friend. You seem pretty okay, actually.”

  
I hummed disapprovingly, all of my attention directed at the money in my hands.

  
Weirdly enough, I did stick to our agreement which I – technically speaking – hadn’t agreed to, and so, one week later, we were sat at the same table in the same fast food shop. Contradictory to his own words, Farlan had let me use his phone to play a video game. My first attempts turned out to be lousy as hell, but I played several rounds, close to genuinely enjoying the game.

  
Meanwhile, Farlan ate his meal leisurely. He paid for our food just like last time; anything else would have been impossible anyway.

  
To appear as if I was attempting at being endurable, I asked, “How was your physics exam?”

  
Farlan stirred in place, as if a pang had sliced through his body. He mimicked a crunched face. “Don’t ask. Just… don’t ask.”

  
I suppressed a devilish smirk. The music from the game chimed and was the only thing to hear for a while.

  
“Anything that happened for you?” Farlan asked and didn’t miss the tone of genuine interest.

  
“Nah. Only that I refused to clean today.”

  
“Because you wanted me to treat you on a meal again, hm?” Farlan knew he hadn’t needed to ask this to know what the answer would be.

  
“Yep.” I replied promptly, feigning innocence.

  
“You sly ass.”

  
“Thanks for the compliment.” I tapped on the button that opted for a next round on the phone.

  
“Well,” Farlan leant back, holding his soft drink, “My father remarried a month ago. We moved together with his wife and her daughter this week.”

  
“Great for you.”

  
“It is.” he agreed, unperturbed. Dreamily. “My step-sister is cute. Isabel. She’s 8. My dad and her wife said they like the idea of a patchwork family. They’re probably thinking about having a third child.”

  
“Mhm.” I buzzed indifferently. At least the game didn‘t ask for that much attention from me. “You’re gonna be a good big brother.” And despite all, I did talk to Farlan in the end. Gave him parts of my attention.

  
“Of course I will.” he bragged and floated in self-confidence. “I like having siblings. One can have much fun with them.”

  
“Mhm.” This would probably become the most used word of the day.

  
I decided to spare him a glance that lasted more than a couple of seconds. He smiled at me, happy and only Heaven knew why. He lowered his stare to his own phone in my hands. “Are you allowed to own phones in the orphanage?”

  
“No.”

  
“Well then.” He grabbed the device. I watched how my hands got empty, flabbergasted. “That doesn’t mean I can’t use it secretely there.” I extended a hand at him, requiring the phone.

  
Farlan chuckled, delightfully amused. “That doesn’t mean I will give you my phone. I wasn’t thinking any second about doing that. Don’t be so greedy.”

  
“Don’t be so spoiled.” I counterattacked immediately.

  
He slided his phone into his breast pocket, smiling viciously.

  
I fumed with anger, but soothed just as quickly. Facing the empty tray before my eyes, I said, “Thanks for the meal. Again.”

  
“No problem, dude. How about going to the cinema this weekend? There’s an awesome movie going to be released on Sunday. I was waiting for it for so long now.”

  
If it hadn’t been for my radical change of handling feelings, I might have sensed a light tingle of happiness blooming in my chest. Instead, everything was a vast void for me. Not uncomfortable, though. I didn’t mind it.

  
“Sure.”

  
I had slowly but certainly come to the realisation that Farlan was giving me a chance to do stuff an orphan normally hadn’t had the opportunity to do. Eating whatever I wanted until my stomach would burst, watching movies, buying cool clothes and shoes, skateboarding, and playing video games. I would have never dreamt of experiencing these. Doing so legally, that was.

  
After a second visit to the cinema, I had offered myself to him (a blowjob to start off slowly) as a compensation for all of his spendings on me, only to get coke spurted on my face, out of shock. He had then made clear that he didn’t want anything from me and that he didn’t spend money on me with seconds thoughts in mind. I got it, even if my face had to get wet in the process.

  
A shock I had to stomach, however, came a few days later. One of the orphanage aunts had informed me about a family being interested in adopting me. Sure, there had been times where people visited our place and took orphans with them, but the possibility of me getting adopted one day had never crossed my mind.

  
On my way to the dining room, I was given a piece of sheet. Someone had left me a message to which I reacted with utter internal confusion. It read,

  
_‘This is your last chance to get your life together. Don’t waste it, brat. K.’_

  
I scowled at the paper, ripping it apart. Kenny could go and die in hell, for all I cared.

  
Once I entered the hall, I came to face with a little family of four. A small red-haired kid with two pigtails, radiating a bright smile at me, a woman with the same hair colour but her hair being straight and smooth, viewing me nicely, a man with ash blond hair and a beard, and—

  
Oh my god. What the…

  
What was the meaning of this?!

  
The fourth member of the family was Farlan?! He had his arms crossed behind his head and was leaning back casually, eyes off to the window on his left.

  
“Here he is. Levi Ackerman.” the woman next to me said.

  
The two adults stood up and walked over to me, hand in hand. Farlan took his step-sister‘s hand and stood up with her. Midway, that bastard finally established eye-contact with me, stopping in his tracks.

  
I glared at him, and his expression told me that he couldn’t form a coherent thought.

  
“Hello, Levi. Nice to meet you. I’m Cassie. And this is my husband Richard.” The red-haired woman, Cassie, spoke fondly. A silky voice touching me with feathers. “Would you like the idea of living with us and your two new siblings Isabel and Farlan?”

  
Restless, I sometimes tore my eyes away from Farlan, scrutinizing the man and woman and kid. Latter one had tried to take my hand and I pulled it away.

  
“I don’t care.” was my only response to their question.

  
“We’ll make sure that you’ll feel comfortable when living with us.” They took Isabel by their hands and turned to discuss the details with the orphanage woman.

  
Farlan pulled me to the side, but I was the first one to snap.

  
“Is that your doing?!” I hissed.

  
“No!” Farlan pushed in a whisper, looking over his back to check whether we were monitored by his parents. “I didn’t even know which orphanage you were at! This is coincidence! I told you I thought my parents wanted to have a child and not to adopt a child.”

  
“I’m not a child, I’m 14!”

  
“Whatever!”

  
“Farlan?” Said person hurriedly let go of me and both of us wheeled around to the source of the voice, pretending not to know each other.

  
Cassie was giving Farlan an inquiring look. “Is everything okay? Do you two know each other?”

  
“Oh, no. No, not at all.” Farlan laughed insecurely, waving a hand dismissively. “We just had a small talk to exchange names and stuff.”

  
“Ah. I see.” Cassie still didn’t seem convinced, but she also didn’t know what else to say. So she let that answer slide.

  
Farlan and I breathed out simultaneously.

  
Without much hindrances and the paper work being done pretty fast, I found myself inside their car, my few belongings in the luggage trunk, diving into a totally new life where I had mother and father figures, and siblings even. So far, I couldn’t come to peace with that. I rather frowned in my seat, irritated.

  
“Now you won’t be able to get rid of me so soon.” Farlan whispered to me, and snickered. I groaned.

  
On my first days living with them, Cassie and Richard did their bests to grant me the easiest access to assimilation. They didn’t need to ask of Farlan to take care of me for as long as I was still feeling foreign around them because Farlan had volunteered in doing so. Great. Now I’d have him around me more than anything else.

  
With more days passing while I was spending time with them, I also started to notice differences to living as an orphan. I was bound to the bond of a family. I’ve never felt like being in a family before, and that sudden change peeved me.

  
“Cassie and Richard are trying to familiarise you with the new circumstances.” Farlan had explained to me one day when I had told him what I was thinking about the novel environment.

  
“I don’t want that family shit shoved down my throat. It’s annoying.” I didn’t mind looking at him, playing on my phone they gave me so that I was available anywhere and at anytime.

  
“We aren't— Listen, Levi. It’s about being one family where no one should ever feel neglected.” Farlan rose from the spot on my bed and left my room, but not before ruffling my hair. I sighed out with slight chagrin.

  
I really hated this.

  
Even after weeks they didn’t leave me alone. I wasn’t spared any of their approaches of being kind to me, expressing support whenever I would feel down or whatever crap they pulled out of their asses.

  
To the point that one day I entered my room after a particular shitty school day (of course Cassie and Richard had made sure that I would visit a good school) and slammed my door shut, turning the volume of my music boxes to the max, rock music blasting through the speakers. To let off some steam, I hung more posters of bands on my wall and was so close to crash the electronic guitar they’d given me when I got my own room.

  
I hated it. I hated everything. That family shit was getting on my nerves and I would have to endure it for years.

  
It wouldn’t get any better for me. I didn’t want to play along. It was bullshit.

  
I sat on the floor by one end of my bed, sinking my head. That was the first time ever that I thoroughly acknowledged the existence of the key around my neck. I had worn this necklace for years, but I hadn’t given it much thought or attention until now.

  
The key.

  
I placed it on my palm.

  
I still remembered who had given it to me and what they had said to me.

  
The key’s meaning was…

  
Bullshit. Yeah, it was crap. Just like this ‘family thing’. I didn’t need it. I didn’t need the key and I didn’t need a family.

  
So I walked over to my nightstand and tossed the key inside a drawer. From then on, I didn’t spare that particular drawer a glance for years. Many, many years.

  
Cassie and Richard and Farlan had noticed how much more arbitrary I was around them with each passing day. I did whatever I wanted to do; went to school when I felt like it, ate in my room and not at the dining table when I felt like it, didn’t babysit Isabel when I felt like it, came home really late when I felt like it. Farlan would try to reach me with wise words, but I didn’t give a single shit. Whenever they wanted to do something together with me as a family, I refused.

  
Most of the time, they inferred from my rebellious behaviour that it was hormonal fluctuations. Technically speaking I was a teenager during puberty. But I myself knew the best that my attitude didn’t stem from that.

  
I acted pissed-off because I didn’t want to deal with them.

  
And there was a time… where exactly that triggered of a fatal fight. Me versus my ‘family’.

  
On a – to me – randomly chosen day, they had decided to make a small trip—and of course they wanted me to go with them. A family trip.

  
When I had heard of Cassie and Richard talking about it, believing I wasn’t listening in on their conversations from upstairs, I was already foreshadowing that they’d want to tell me about their plans soon, most likely even on the same day, so I made up my mind and only one thought became relevant to me: I wanted to avoid this topic.

  
A trip with them counted as one of the least things I would bother to do with them or at all. I didn’t need any of that solidary crap. They should leave me alone.

  
Half an hour later, Cassie and Richard perceived me and how I was preparing to leave. They caught me on the entrance hall, Farlan and Isabel joining.

  
Rolling my eyes and groaning despisefully, I blocked my senses in order to take in as less of their questions as possible while slipping into my shoes.

  
_Leave me alone._

  
“Levi? Where are you going?” I ignored them demonstratively. Cassie’s voice reached me as a dull noise. “Could you please listen to us for a minute? There’s something we’d like to discuss with you. You see…”

  
Not enough, not enough. They were so persistent, it drove me to madness. More of this and…

  
Richard completed what his wife had started. “Cassie and I thought about a trip to the ocean. Have you ever seen the ocean before? What do you think about that idea? All of us, as a family, going to see the ocean? I’m sure it’ll be fun, even for you!” He was so enthusiastic about it. Gross.

  
“Why can’t you stop this already?!” I snapped. “All I’m hearing for days and weeks and months is family here, family there, we are all a family, everyone is loved equally because we are a family! Family, family, family! It’s unbearable! I’m sick of it!”

  
“But… we just want to take well care of you, as our beloved adopted child. You shall have the most pleasant time here—with us.” Cassie’s face fell to form anxious sadness. She clutched her necklace and played with it frantically.

  
Getting more irritated, I yelled “I don’t want any of that damn family bullshit! I don’t care about it! Fuck off!” Cassie gasped, covering Isabel’s ear. “All of you!”

  
“Hey! Mind your language!” Farlan bellowed at me sharply. Richard expressed worry.

  
I pointed at them as I opened the front door. “You all are nothing to me! I don’t give a damn about you!” My hand on the handle caused the door to quiver in its hinges and release a giant ear-defeaning noise.

  
The next thing I did was something that I was unbeatably good at. Because of how often I’ve done it already.

Running away from my problems.

  
I ran and ran and ran even more. Towards the center of the city, far away from the house that I saw as my personal hell. The villa at the end of Wall Maria District was the devil in disguise. Making me furious.

  
So I ran. Fast and without a plan. My legs moved on their own and I lost myself in my own mind, everything turning white inside, and reasoning and sense of direction deteriorating.

  
Far away, into the abyss of lunacy.

  
And, to be honest, where I landed in the end wasn’t so far away from it.

  
A main street – in a small district – known for its many side-alleys. I knew this place, knew it very well. And I was highly aware of what was in one of those side-alleys. A place I used to visit regularly—with Roy.

  
While I was catching my breath, I stepped closer to said alley. Finally there, at the beginning part of the alley, I lurched inside. Today, Roy wasn’t here and I was more than glad about it. The more familiar faces to find here caught my eyes.

  
With the memories of this place invading my mind, I increasingly felt better, more at ease.

  
Once I stopped in front of them, the three guys that owned this territory and used it as a spot to deal and chill at, I anticipated the relief that would raven me soon. It was like a promise.

  
“Hey, Levi.” the oldest of them greeted me, surprised to see me but not appalled by it. He crooked a luring smirk. “Long time no see. So much time has passed since you last visited us, together with Roy.”

  
“Fuck Roy. I don’t care about him.” I licked my dry lips, my breath calm.

  
The guy, his nickname was Spike, took a drag from a dubious cigarette-like thing. Surely, it wasn’t something as harmless as nicotine. “I’m sure there’s a reason why you’re here today, hm?” The smoke was blown out through his mouth and nose. He maintained his cheeky smirk.

  
“You have some good stuff?” I asked leisurely, at the same time clarifying that I wouldn’t accept or react with chill to anything remotely close to my displeasure.

  
One of the other guys retorted to my demand. “You want this?” He held up a small plastic bag filled with white powder. “Or this?” His other hand was occupied by a bag with two rolls that are filled with pot.

  
I liked the sight of these two bags. Anything that would blow my mind to the depths of apathy was very welcomed at the moment. I couldn’t hold back a little smirk.

  
Taking drags of weed after snorting cocaine - which hyped my senses with its thrilling effect -, I lay on the floor dozen of minutes later, engulfed by the simultaneous buzzes of ecstasy and peace that swarmed my body. I took another drag and looked up to the sky. My sight cleared when the narrow clouds of smoke dissipated after a while.

  
I hadn’t felt anything so relieving since what felt like forever. At least ever since I was adopted by a certain family that was the cause of my distress.

  
A song by a rock band played in the background. I closed my eyes and floated in a hazy serenity. Why couldn’t my life consist of this relaxation the whole time? It felt splendid. So releasing.

  
“Are you fucking serious?!” The loud cry in my very vicinity, probably above my head, animated me to blink my eyes open. Finding myself in a shadowy spot now, I opened my eyes to an angered Farlan. He literally fumed. “Is that a joint? You’re doing drugs?!”

  
“Wha—…” How on earth did he…

  
Suddenly, he grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me up. Not giving me time to stand safely on my feet, he was already dragging me away, pulling hard. I was forced to go with him, stumbling and almost falling more times than walking. Sometimes I tried to resist, tugged at his grip, clawed at his fingers.

  
“What the— How did you find me?!”

  
“I tracked your phone. Nothing easier than that.”

  
“You did what?!”

  
“Shut up and come with me! Stop struggling.”

  
I did the exact opposite and struggled like mad. Many people regarded us with confusion and disdain, but Farlan cared less about that than me. His strong hold managed to drag me to the park, one half of our way behind us. The park was necessary to cross if we wanted to go back. Well, I didn’t want to go back.

  
“Stop this shit! Let me go! You aren‘t allowed to take me anywhere with force! You can’t decide over my life!” Just as less as Farlan loosened his grip and force on me did I reduce my resistance. Neither of us gave up on our doings.

  
By the time we’ve reached the big lake in the middle of the park, Farlan sighed harshly, letting go of my arm and swaying around to face me.

  
I screamed, “You dumb asshole! I—”

  
Without me expecting it, the very first thing Farlan did after turning around was to clap both of his palms on each side of my cheek. They landed hard on my face, stinging, and the pressure applied on both hands squeezed my face a little. 

  
Farlan glared at me with partly narrowed but deadly eyes. “You’re slowly getting on my nerves too, you know?”

  
The pang in my face lingered for a moment or two, called back parts of my soberness. However that process marched forward only slowly. Because the next thing that came out of my mouth was a concatenation of words deriving from zero self-control. “Fuck, I’m horny.”

  
What I said was the truth.

  
The drugs kind of had two or more side-effects on me. Didn’t help, because Farlan wasn’t amused by it. He snapped inwardly and shoved me to the side. Hard enough for me to fall over and dip into the lake.

  
Before I hit the surface, though, I managed to cry out in panic, “Wait, I can’t swim!” and the last thing I saw was Farlan staring wide-eyed, flabbergasted.

  
He jumped right after me, and pulled me out of the lake. I coughed and panted, curling my body on the lakeshore. The few seconds of fear had really taken over me. I had never imagined there was a possibility in my life where I would drown.

  
Farlan croaked and slicked his hair back, scowling at me. “I wanted you to cool down from your hideous trip!”

  
“Oh, don’t worry! There’s no chance that I’ve _not_ become sober after such a stunt!” I barked back.

  
The remaining happenings on that day hadn’t stuck well in my mind. But what I clearly remembered were Farlan’s swimming sessions in our pool at the backyard where he drilled me how to swim for the next three weeks.

  
It was on one of our last lessons where he crouched down at the edge of the swimming pool next to me, while I was making a little pause in the water, when he tried to talk with me about the past incidents.

  
I had expected for that day to come, to be quite honest, but even so it didn’t alter my reluctance to listen to it.

  
“Don’t you think it’s time for you to apologize to your parents?” Farlan suggested, his voice trailing smoothness.

  
“I will never ever call them mom or dad, so don’t try that shit on me.” was my very first retort.

  
“Are you ever going to apologize to Cassie and Richard?” Farlan tried again. I avoided his pleading face, producing waves on the surface with my arm. Not very interesting. Farlan went on, “They’re incredibly upset because they’re thinking that they have totally failed in raising you. You matter to them as much as Isabel or I matter to them.”

  
I chewed on my bottom lip, frustrated. And yet, in the end, I was the one to give in. To give up the difficult part of myself.

  
Which was why one day later I had confronted them with my presence in the living room where everyone was sat on the sofa to watch a movie.

  
Traces of gloom and the way Richard was holding his wife in his arms unfurled the unspoken despair that hang over their heads.

  
I hadn’t given them a peaceful time, that much was certain.

  
I took a deep breath and swiftly looked at Farlan. He had a brow arched up. I turned my gaze to the other two. “I’m sorry. Sorry for… having acted so difficult and disrespectful the whole time. This is the first time I’m facing a thing such as being together and nice to each other and supporting every member of the… family. I had a hard time getting used to it. A really hard time. Actually, I couldn’t get used to it so far. But from now on I want to try my best. Please…” I halted for a second, willing the unwanted thought away. But I said it out loud nevertheless. “Please don’t send me back to the orphanage.”

  
Just a little silence before Cassie rose from her seat, a warm smile spread on her face, wetness hinting at the corner of her eyes. Richard followed her moves.

  
“We would never—” And then both of them hugged me. I stayed in place, stiffly, not used to receiving such physical affection either. Isabel clung to my legs and Farlan ran a hand through my hair.

  
For the first time – ever since I started to live with them – did a suave haze of togetherness enclose us.

  
I had said that I wouldn’t be difficult or rebellious anymore. But some things were harder to replace with something better. Or at least so I thought.

  
I was laying on my bed, wearing headphones and reading a magazine. The music practically blasted through my ears and I was focused on the content of my magazine. I wouldn’t notice anything happening around me. At some point I felt a particular inner urge, so I grabbed under my blanket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I couldn’t tell yet whether I would fall for the allurement of “harder” drugs again, but as of right now cigarettes would suffice.

  
Placing one between my lips, I was about to lit it up when all of a sudden someone ripped it away. “Hey!” I complained. Farlan stood next to me, the cigarette in his hand. I couldn’t and didn’t want to understand him on that matter. I took off my headphones. “It’s just cigarettes! Plain cigarettes!”

  
“Yeah, and you are 10 years too young for them!” Farlan shoved the pack into his back pocket. Even on its way the pack got lightly crushed by his hand. The cigarettes inside wouldn’t be of use anymore. Damn.

  
“What are you doing in my room anyway? Whaddya want?” I placed my headphones back over my ears, raised the volume and dedicated myself to the band articles in my magazine.

  
Farlan tore the source of music away from my head. As expected. I groaned, annoyed, and rolled my eyes. “Time for you to clean your room.” he stated ever so matter-of-factly.

  
“What?”

  
“Yeah, you’ve heard it right. You have probably never noticed but, up until now, it had always been Cassie who cleaned your room. You didn’t do so much as to bend your small fucking finger to clean a single corner. Here.”

  
He tossed a bucket full of cleaning products at the side of my bed. I regarded it with incredulousness. Same look was directed at Farlan next. “You want me to clean?”

  
Farlan spoke slowly, as if I were a dense child. “You _have_ to.”

  
“You’re forcing me to clean?” I corrected myself.

  
“Yep.” To make sure, he gathered my headphones and phone and some of my magazines to take them with him. “I hope I don’t need to take your e-guitar and your video game console with me. You said you had to clean in the orphanage too. This is nothing new for you.”

  
“But I don’t wanna! And that cleaning in the orphanage doesn’t count! It was more like spreading the dirt, nothing ever became clean there!” I sat up in my bed, crawling to the bottom end of it as Farlan made his leave.

  
“This is life, Levi. One has duties in their life. Oh, and,” He turned around, faced me with an acute expression. “I hope you didn’t do any illegal drugs since last time. No cocaine, no weed, no—”

  
“I haven’t.” I pressed through my slimly parted lips.

  
“Good. You better find a substitute for your drugs.” And with that, he left the room.

  
I let myself fall on the mattress, utterly demotivated, sullen. However, a couple of minutes later, Farlan opened the door again, bringing Isabel inside.

  
“Before I forget it. Can you take care of Isabel until we’re back home? This isn’t a request, it‘s a demand. Mom and dad and I have to go to my school to discuss my choice for university. Which means you two are going to be alone here for a while. This isn’t too much to ask for. You clean and will just have to watch over Isabel once in a while. And don’t let her disappear from your sight. Got it?” As soon as he finished, he was gone as quickly as he had re-appeared.

  
Isabel carried a bag with some of her toys and a drawing book. And she beamed at me. Oh god, that bright happiness was not to my linking at all.

  
“Big bro!” She ran to me, hugging my leg gleefully.

  
“O-Oh, oh no. No, no. I’m not your… ‘big bro’. Farlan is.” I shook my leg lightly, hoping to get her off me. Though I failed at it.

  
“No, you are my big bro!” She hugged my leg tighter.

  
“But… Farlan… is the oldest.” Desperate, cringy chills had me squirm internally.

  
“Okay, okay. I’m your big bro. Fine. Now can you, please, let go of me? Your… big bro has to clean his room.” She did release my leg from her too affectionate embrace, instead smiling broadly at me. I waved a hand towards her bag. “Go, go play with your coloured crayons or whatever.”

  
I couldn’t believe the sheer presence of this girl had literally made me clean my room for real.

  
And even less could I trust my eyes and mind when, during the cleaning session, I had, strangely enough, really found interest in wiping and dusting everything clean. The thought and physical image of looking at something that was free from any dirt or dust convinced me. It evoked a good feeling, I couldn’t deny that. Having everything neat and spotless was the best sight ever.

  
Too engrossed in my work, I didn’t perceive when exactly the others had come back. However, Farlan did visit me in my room again some time, once he was back.

  
“Hey, Levi, we’re back. Is everything all right her— What the…” He choked on his words, bewildered.

  
I gave him a questioning raise of my brow.

  
“Why is Isabel sitting inside a cartboard box?!” He flailed his arms forward to the cartboard in the middle of my room. Indeed, I had put her inside—for reasons. Farlan wanted to approach and pick her up.

  
“Stay where you are! I’ve just cleaned there!” I shouted, a threatening pointer finger pointing to him.

  
“Where did you clean?” Farlan sounded like he didn’t bother about that.

  
“Everywhere!”

  
“Levi, why on earth did you put Isabel inside a box?” He put reproaching emphasis on every uttered word.

  
“Because I was cleaning the room.” I imitated his prior way of speaking, as if Farlan were to be the dense child here right now. “I didn’t want her to dirty anything with her fingers or crayons.”

  
“Oh, good gracious.” Farlan’s exhasperation resembled a feeble sigh.

“She’s totally all right. Look, she’s drawing on the inside walls of the box. And I cleaned as told. Where is the damn problem?”

  
“Don’t swear in front of Isabel.” Farlan picked her up, lowering her to the ground next to the box. As an act of comfort, he stroked her hair fondly. Meanwhile I made the mental note to clean the spots that Farlan and Isabel were walking and standing on.

  
“Big bro cleaned everywhere!” Isabel cheered and raised her arms happily. Her crayons slipped from her fingers. Oh my fucking god, even more to clean. I grunted as I tilted my head up to the ceiling.

  
“Yeah, he really did.” Farlan looked at me then, an amused expression. “Really? Cleaning has become your substitute?” That he would have liked to cackle to this revealed his mocking tone.

  
I mouthed a silent ‘Fuck you’ and fixated him with a glare.

  
“We can help him clean! Because,” Isabel fidgeted, trying to collect the right words. Her small hands balled to fists and her timid face rose to look into Farlan’s, a tiny fist stretched out. “Because we’re family! Right, Farlan?”

  
Farlan smiled warmly, bumping her fist softly with his own one, keeping his balled hand on top of hers. “Yeah. We are.”

  
“Big bro!” A big grin stretched over her lips as she beckoned me to join them. She giggled cutely.

  
I hesitated for a single second, not eager to join a childish act. But I did it for them; for Isabel.

  
“Yeah, you’re right.” I occupied the place next to them, our formation being that of a triangular form. I let my fist collide with theirs in the middle. “We are… a family.”

  
“Yeahhhh!” Isabel chanted, enthusiastic.

  
Farlan expressed a smile that told me that he was proud of me and I…

  
It was rare of me doing that, but today was one of the days where I could milden my constant frown and smile genuinely.

  
It was a happy moment for me.

  
***

  
After that Farlan hadn’t stopped helping me to get a stable life. He had even tricked me into getting amazing grades.

  
In school, two people, Erwin and Hanji, had made approaches on befriending me after my failed attempts of keeping them away with my glares—just as I did with all the other students (they must have been immune to my scowls, especially Hanji). Erwin, Hanji and I became somewhat good friends, even after attending (the same) university.

  
University could happen for me because of the generous support of Cassie and Richard. There hadn’t been a moment where they didn’t care about my well-being and future career.

  
In the end, all they did was treating me like their biological child.

  
And that was one of the main reasons why I was here today.

  
Having arrived at their house, I parked my car and strode to the entrance door. Via prior message exchanges, it was for sure that they were home, expecting me. Coincidentally, Isabel and Farlan were present as well; even better for me, to be honest. It was the best if all of us could come together today.

  
Cassie opened the door for me. We hugged, Richard gave me a firm but loving handshake, Isabel and Farlan greeted me with a ‘Yo.’ each. Seeing each other again after a few months prompted us to have several and diverse conversations.

  
Sitting together in the living room with coffee and tea and after two handfuls of small talks, I gave vocal existence to the issue I came here for.

  
I began with, “I know I am not unfamiliar to you since a long time. We’ve known each other for about 14 years now. So much time has passed and that I come with this only now may be… Even if it may be too late, I hope you can accept – _acknowledge_ \- what I would like to tell you all.” I paused and looked down at my almost empty tea cup and imagined my next words swimming in them. Half a year prior they would be probably drowning and failing to give reason to do this. That I was here at this point right now was because of a certain person in the first place.

  
Exhaling the last bits of restraints, I continued, “Thank you. Thank you all. For having given me a family. For being a family. I have never really shown any appreciation towards that, but now I want to show my gratitude in its entirety and flawlessness. Without a doubt, having lived together with you was one of the best things to happen to me. You’ve treated me like your own child, even at times where I was difficult to handle. You never gave up on me.” My lips sealed closed on cue, as if I had to take my time for the final step. Choosing the words wisely, pouring meaning into them. I’ve said three of the words before to someone else, but now they were meant for others. “I love you all, as my family. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

  
Cassie was the first one to beam a lovely smile, but to also burst into tears. She hugged me a second time today, kissed my cheeks, told me over and over again that she loved me too. Richard was basically the same (minus the tears), being happy to have me in his life. Isabel exaggerated it and tackled me on the couch and it took me minutes to get her off me, not without the aid of the others. Farlan hugged me too and tousled my hair.

  
“By the way, do you still remember the brunet guy I brought with me once?” I asked when I sat down properly again, straightening my hair.

  
“Of course. Eren, right? He is a very adorable guy.” Cassie stroke my cheek, smooth fingers on pale skin.

  
“Yeah. Right. Well, we are a couple now.” I waited for their reaction. They’d never had anything against my bisexuality, so they didn’t look weirdly at me when I mentioned a male and the term 'boyfriend' in one sentence. Isabel and Farlan knew that from the Halloween party, but they didn’t seem to have told Cassie and Richard. Because the latter two were reacting joyfully to the news, Cassie taking my hand and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

  
“That’s wonderful!” she said. “Congrats you two. I wish you the best with him. I’m sure he’s the best boyfriend ever.”

  
_He is._

  
“You and Eren have to visit us again some time, okay?” Richard patted my shoulder.

  
“Sure.”

  
“Yay! Big bro has a boyfriend!” Isabel hugged me from behind, but this time I didn’t let her tackle me. My struggles and her efforts looked ridiculous together.

  
She laughed and then Farlan laughed and then it was Cassie’s and Richard’s turn and lastly…

  
I laughed with them.

  
At this point, I thought that every individual was subconsciously yearning for something like a family.

  
And this one here was _my_ family.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No matter what, I want to post the next chapter on Eren's birthday ^~^
> 
> I'm doubting there are many readers left who are still interested in reading my fic, so I'm not expecting any comments tbh :o
> 
> But for those who might still be left, I just wanna say that I'll try to update more regularly :x


	35. Happy Birthday, Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this chapter is about _Levi's birthday_ that I post on _Eren's birthday_ XD
> 
> I'd also like to share the second "cover art" I drew. You can find it [here](http://pinkheichou.tumblr.com/post/167661284016/i-finally-did-it-okay-so-ever-since-i-drew-the). (first cover art is the first pic in that link, second cover art is the second pic) I couldn't stop thinking about adding Levi and letting him look at Eren like that. The art has a meaning behind it, but it's open to interpretation ^^
> 
> ALSO I GOT FIC ART! Thank you so much, laazyaf, for drawing these precious [arts](https://laazyaf.tumblr.com/post/171963258311/i-didnt-draw-spoilers-so-if-you-havent-read), they are amazing!! I love them a lot *^*
> 
> Enjoy the chapter! ^^

**Eren**

As the year was approaching its end, with it also came Christmas. Closer and closer. But, to be quite frank, this year the days of Christmas didn’t orbit my mind as much as they’d usually do. Sure, I had been doing Christmas shopping and stressing over preparing and decorating the Christmas tree, making greeting cards for distant relatives and acquaintances, pondering over what to do on Christmas Eve, most importantly making plans with my family.

Though, in between all this, weaving through the hitches of my train of thoughts, I was constantly reminded of a day that bore a much more precious value in my eyes. It wafted like a magical spell in my chest; draping itself around my heart and searing affection and dedication into my pumping organ.

Levi’s birthday.

It was the first time I would celebrate Levi’s birthday with him. And it gave me pure happiness like nothing else. Merely the thought had the tugging power to ban my mind from rationality and momentarily sent me to a state of bliss where my giddy anticipation could flourish.

A birthday was something special. A reminder that one was happy to have the birthday person in their life. If not knowing how else to do it, a birthday was a nice opportunity to give someone love and appreciation. To sweeten their life with your presence. Unboundedly. Unconditionally. Unselfishly.

This would become Levi’s first birthday he’d celebrate with me, and I wanted to make it the best he’d ever had.

Levi had already told me, on a regular day, that his birthday never had a place in his life until he got adopted. For 14 years, he’d been devoid of amiable and mutual love coming from others. Instead it had always been about surviving.

Even when he finally got a proper family who’d as well tried to make Levi’s first birthday an experience worth to memorise forever, Levi had never been a person to give much importance to such a thing. That didn’t surprise me in the slightest, Levi was a nonchalant man who only cared about very few things. Birthdays had never been a part of it.

Right when it marked the 1st of December and when I began to chant about Christmas and the thing that came a day after Christmas, Levi had already attempted to make me understand that he didn’t ask for and didn’t need for his birthday to become something special or extravagant. In other words, he preferred a casual day over one where everything would revolve around him.

I had acknowledged his words but that didn’t stop me from following my own intentions. Levi saw through it, too, and gathered that it would be of no use to try to stop me, the stubborn guy I was, from a thing when it had already got an essence of (planned) existence in my head.

So Levi let me be, and I left him in the dark about it.

It might be that Levi was the one to get the short end of the stick, but I did this for him.

I wanted to see him happy on his own birthday.

With the sheer fact of that day being due very soon, it was almost indispensable that obstacles had to be overcome first.

First and foremost the “main” problem was that Levi’s birthday was on Christmas Day. That certainly gave his special day some sorts of consecrated meaning, but on the other hand practical inconveniences were to be expected.

While Levi and I had agreed on being together in the morning of Christmas Eve, visiting our parents in the afternoon up to the late evening (we didn’t tell my parents about Levi yet and a big Christmas party together with both of our parents together would have been too quick, no matter how much earlier we’d told my family about him after the time where Levi had visited his own one last.), we were aiming for being together on the next day early in the morning, for one or both of us might be asked to stay overnight in our old homes.

I had wished for seeing Levi again on midnight already (at the latest), but Levi couldn’t make any promises. Neither could I. Meaning that we rather avoided getting our hopes up, especially mine.

That certain day would mean a lot for me—if not, perhaps even more than it meant to Levi. He did fancy that this was becoming the first time where  _he_  had the chance to spend his birthday with his boyfriend, but he didn’t think about more perks when it came to it.

_‘You and I being together is all I want.’_  was Levi’s reply to my question as to what he’d like to see or get on his birthday. Of course, I had expected that. And yet I was in denial about his simple request because he should grant himself more than my presence. (I would most likely act the same regarding my own birthday, but that didn’t matter right now.)

I used to have tons of birthdays in the past and all of them had been unexceptionally usual; just the way birthdays were desigated for each respective age, which had not exactly been the case for Levi.

_His_  birthday would become  _our_  memory.

The arrangements for before the holy day (yes, I was meaning Levi’s birthday) being mostly done and calculated, it was now my task to organise and come up with ideas for the actual great day. There were 10 more days left, but it felt like 10 hours to me.

The biggest problem that concerned me, caused my brain to frantically produce ideas of which I had discarded all so far, was the disconnection to the kind of present that was worthy enough to give to Levi.

He had told me that I was enough, but that wasn’t enough for me! It didn’t quench my demands. I wanted to give him more.  _More._  Something that was unique and precious and painted with love and care.

It kept me mentally busy for days and nights; Levi would eye me astoundingly sometimes, but I didn’t waste a word on his stares, pretending to act normal and silently tell him that everything was  _all right_.

But in the end, the truth was that nothing was all right. I couldn’t think much about other things when there was that one particular  _something_  bugging me. That uncertainty, that black hole in my sphere of ideas, that despair that ripped me apart.

I wouldn’t deny that I was obsessed with wanting to make Levi happy with not only my being his loving boyfriend who would be with him on that day, but also with something that he could appreciate and which wasn’t part of myself. I wanted to give him part of the world. Because he deserved the happiness and brightness that the world yielded.

If only I had an idea. If only my mind wouldn’t switch off on that topic, making it palpably harder for me to track a tinkle of a directory.

Levi had always been very peculiar. And right now I was experiencing it the hard way, even though it was about something that couldn’t be any less harmless.

Before I’d get entirely irritated over that matter – since I had spent most of the past few days alone and secluded (a retreat to my room after work) working my brain off and imagining Levi’s possible reactions and various levels of gratitude when receiving the different gifts I had in mind –, I finally concluded that I needed to shut down my frantic thinking and was actually in dire need of distraction and light chatterings to simmer down.

No one else could have been more suitable for that than Armin. I had told him some time at the beginning of my clutter of stress and organisation that I was trying to think of a suitable gift for Levi when he once asked me, after spotting faint trails of upcoming despair on my face (but I didn’t give him any more details). Now, more than a week later, I didn’t need to inform him about my current status for him to know what was up. It was all written on my face and mirrored in my voice.

When Armin saw me in front of the café we’d agreed on meeting at during the rush hour on a Saturday, he gave me a pitiful but empathetic smile that he rounded off with a tilt of his head. I didn’t mind his pity, I was glad I had him here now. A little talk with Armin – even if it were to end up fruitless – was what I needed at the moment.

Armin had ways to calm someone (especially me) and I valued it the most about him; he, who was my dear best friend since childhood years.

“I’m so fucking done. With— with everything!” I exhaled a heaving sigh as I dropped onto one of the seats by the window.

“I would be lying if I said that I didn’t guess that already.” Armin chuckled kindly, not mockingly, as he sat down on the opposite side of our table. His soft features reverberated still when the waitress aproached us with the menus. I didn’t even spare her a glance, most likely too drained to indulge in any social interactions, except for when that person was Levi. Or Armin.

Knowing –  _foreshadowing_  – that I would leave this place with a more eased mindset than before (because one couldn’t rile up when having Armin Arlert around them), I was silently thanking the spirits for every direction that our conversation would take, it didn’t matter which way.

We took our orders and used the time between now and when our drinks would arrive to broach slices of my current barricade.

“It’s about Levi’s birthday.” I began in an offbeat.

Armin had his arms propped on the table, fingers threaded, and he nodded once firmly but slowly, gaze cast down to the surface. When he looked up, he beamed curtly. “Just as I thought. It’s in December.” The last statement had a faint tone of being a question.

“Yeah. It’s on Christmas Day.”

“Oh.” Armin lifted his brows, obviously enriched with new information. He crossed his arms and leant back in his seat. “That’s, that is, very, uh, very—”

“It’s not optimal.” I aided him, so that Armin wouldn’t become bashful and consider that he might have said something wrong.

He jabbed a pointer finger of his, that had wandered up to under his chin when he was stuttering the snippets of words, towards my general direction. “Right. You’re right. It really is not optimal.” His face glowed up with vibrancy once more. His cheeks, that still were slightly red from the cold weather, swelled with roundness as his lips curved up.

I couldn’t do else than to smile back.

He added, “But, uh, you did find a solution for that, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did. Everything is fine with that. Levi and I can celebrate both Christmas with our family and his birthday. Just he and I.” I preserved my smile.

So far, the couple of minutes we’d already spent together evoked more easy-goingness inside me than any of the days before. With just the right person, I was able to find peace with my mind.

Since it was about his birthday, I couldn’t entrust Levi my plans, however it would surprise me if he wasn’t worried or suspicious or both because of my restlessness. On any other occasionan, I’d have gladly accepted his support.

“I don’t know what present to choose for him.” I went on, casual, back from being lost deep in thoughts. I folded my hands on the table, chewing on my bottom lip. I observed how my thumbs were wiggling indecisively, a perfect demonstration of my inner state. It took me a few minutes until I could establish eye contact with Armin. When that happened, I had fixated him with an acute stare. “I know, I have to come up with something myself. Something where I can say that it stems from  _my_  ideas and that it’s personal, but I don’t have any clue. I would appreciate it if you… “ That I couldn’t precisely tell what I was hoping from Armin – not too much, however –, I fell into yet another silence and abused my bottom lip once more. A thing that leapt to my mind was, “I mean, Levi isn’t a materialist. One time even he said the second most important thing for him is cigarettes. Not really a help for me, eh.”

“Hm,” Armin’s finger was positioned back under his chin. He cocked his head to the side, brows frowning lightly as he looked aside and pondered. He said at last, “Well. It was only recently that I saw exquisite cigarettes. You know, they had a fancy design and—"

“Armin, I’m trying to get Levi to  _stop_  smoking.” I retorted quickly, resolute. At that, I demonstratively cocked my head and gave him a raise of my brow. My lips itched to be tugged upwards with light-hearted amusement.

Armin raised his hands in a defensive mode, shoulders hunched playfully. “Okay, okay. I wasn’t meaning it seriously.” He laughed shortly. Before he spoke further, he curled a strand of his hair behind his ear, sighing through his nose as if he were mentally flipping through pages of a book that sported the title ‘Suitable presents for Levi Ackerman’. I didn’t consider Armin to know Levi well enough and even less did I purpose to let him do my work. I was rather holding onto the belief that, by talking to him  _about it_ , it might help me somehow.

He did alleviate parts of my stress, that much I could vouch for.

“In the end,” We looked into each other’s eyes; I stared with openness and prick-eared like a fox, and Armin loosened his shoulders, “if there is really nothing you find suitable and worthy enough, then I’m sure that Levi will be totally fine if it’s just you and him.”

“Levi told me that too, but I don’t want to go that way. Of course, I’ll be the one spending time with Levi, but I also want to… You see, Levi isn’t like you or Mikasa. I can find presents for you or come up with anything to make your day a bit brighter if it must come to it, but Levi is totally different regarding that. He is very mature and peculiar and cares about order in his life. He rarely shows joy about a thing. I want to give him an  _experience_.”

Armin had listened to me intently, at last finding heartiness in my monologue.

“But we both know that you would be the same as Levi is right now. You wouldn’t want anything or anyone else on your birthday as long as Levi is with you, right?”

“But Levi isn’t me and this is not about my birthday. Look, one time, Levi had given me flowers to make up for the lost time where we weren’t together romantically although I was in love with him. He had given me  _as many flowers as the amount of days_  that had passed wastefully between us. This is one of the most wonderful things he could ever do for me. Do you get now where my problem is? Obviously, I neither want to give him flowers in return nor choose a mundane gift. It’s just— I’ve set my expectations pretty high.” I shrugged my shoulders timidly.

“You don’t owe him anything, though.” Armin commented. He rested his right cheek on his open right palm and shifted his torso forward, intrigued. I appreciated it that he didn’t appear indifferent about my problem. He didn’t reluctantly listen to my whining but was genuinely interested in a featherly heated discussion with me.

Every time anew, I was glad that he and I could converse like the best friends ever.

“I’ve never secretely reproached him for owing me something, Armin. I don’t want to take that as a comparison.” My voice was calm, serene.

Armin lightly shook his head, apologetically and understanding. “I know— I thought that. It was just a hurried remark of mine. Don’t give it any significance.”

“Okay.”

Our drinks finally came, the waitress placed them before our eyes. Armin a double espresso and I had ordered a strawberry milkshake.

Armin breathed in sharply, displaying a cheeky smirk that deformed his soft features to something bold. He looked priggish, though not nastily proud.

“You know what I’m thinking?”

I sent Armin a gaze that told him to go on. Curiosity scratched at my mind, tiny claws trying to etch its marks on me.

My face lay in one of my palms now and Armin had opted for stirring his espresso.

“I think there’s more to it. To all this. You’re holding back something. Am I right?” He grinned. I had lost my breath, taken aback, refraining from letting my mouth collapse open.

Had it been so obvious? Was my behaviour as transparent as spotlessly clean glass that one could look through? After all, I myself had attempted to banish that thought many times. I had been meaning to stash that idea away in the darkest depths of my mind and to not take it into consideration, hoping that I could come up with something else—something  _better_. I had been trying really hard to do that.

“And that’s why I’m actually here for now, right?” Armin rose the cup to his lips. He blew the steam away and took a decent sip. “Why me?”

No chance of denial (because the haunting but  _perfect_  idea was coming back, ruthlessly and persinstently), I sighed out deeply, lowering my head until my lips would meet the straw. I tasted the milkshake. It was heavenly. Softness smothering my taste buds.

I should stop thinking that I could escape Armin’s wicked observations and deductions. He was far too good at that.

“It does have something to do with you. Kind of. In some way.”

Armin looked more intrigued.

“I wanted to talk to you about it before anything. Primarily, I was hoping for you -  _for us_  - to form another idea, though. I hope you, uh, aren’t going to oppose what I have to say too much. I would, however, understand if you did.” I swirled the drink with my straw, anxious, gaze sunken.

From the margin of my peripheral vision, I spotted Armin giving me a puzzled glance, eyes squinted. He asserted, “Eren. Do you, um, maybe… Don’t tell me you want to borrow Jean for Levi’s birthday? It’s not that, is it?” Armin was probably at his wits’ end by now. I didn’t make it easy for him with my cryptic talking after all. 

“What? No! God, no. You can keep him all Christmas days long, oh gosh.”

Armin sighed, relaxed now. “Well, if it isn’t Jean, then there’s nothing that I’d protest against.”

“Are you sure about that?” I questioned vigilantly.

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“I think there’s something else that you might hold almost as dear to you as your own husband.”

“Oh?”

And then I told Armin. I told him about, yes, a birthday “gift” I had in fact considered for a long time. It had sprung to my mind very early even, but I labelled it as taboo right immediately (for obvious reasons of mine) and ever since then I had tried to will that thought away, shoot it into oblivion. That might have become the cause for my desperate and agitated searches for something else.

Because there were times where I reconsidered my first own suggestion.  _Taboo_ , a voice in my head would whisper queerly. Other times, that same voice would cheer over the thing’s brilliance. It was acceptable, it made sense, it was close to perfect — if not, it even had perfection.

This thing only came to existence because there had been a time where I was thinking about anything that Levi had ever told me and which struck my mind most remarkably.

And now I was stuck in a dilemma.

I had expected Armin to react bewildered, but not like this. His astonished bafflement was directed at another fact of the matter at hand, and it had honestly left me more speechless than Armin. I had been certain it would be the other way round.

We talked. Talked through it all. All the while Armin did his best to assure me that I shouldn’t have acted the way I did up until now after having convinced myself that I couldn’t do what I had come up with first. He poured reassurance and conviction into me, leaning on literally commanding me not to worry. That it had all been much ado about nothing. No need to overreact. It was fine.  _Eren, it’s totally and unmistakably all right._  Armin had said to me in one of his softest voices. Like cotton candy warped around my ears.

I was relieved that I could ease off. More than I had expected. The outcome of our meet turned out more positive that I could have ever dreamt of. What a blessed relief.

Once Armin had made his point clear, it wasn’t difficult for us to cease the issue and move on to emptying our drinks and chatting about random things by the way. With my head cleansed in a mental catharsis, I was able to dedicate myself to casual conversations with my friend.

We paid our drinks and parted when Armin got a call from Jean. Some kind of family issue that was linked with the approaching Christmas days. Of course. What else would it be at a time like this.

Armin and I split ways outside by the café door, though instead of leaving right after biding me goodbye, he wheeled around on his heels, abrupt while he had already marched a part of his way, and his last words designated for me were spoken with a promising spark in his tone, “The thing you have in mind… It will definitely be an experience for him.”

I beamed proudly, heart fluttering now that the heavy burden was finally lifted off.

The days after - and before Christmas Eve - miraculously got better, less stressful. I didn’t have to pretend and wonder as to why that was because the answer was so obvious. I just sometimes found myself squealing into a pillow that I would suffocate with my hold when I was alone in my room—either because of recalling my final preparations in my head or writing them orderly down for the umpteenth time. Just to make sure that I wouldn’t forget and didn’t miss anything.

The differences between before and after the clarification with Armin were outstanding.

I had been in a constant state of internal, spiritual meditation since then. Christmas could come now, I was ready. I had guessed that the days would drag on and on, especially with how I had finished earlier and earned myself a rest. Levi had remarked the changes in me as well and I had put his mind at ease by claiming that it would stem from my early finish. Whenever Levi tried to pry answers from my sealed lips that concerned his birthday (even someone like Levi would become at least a bit curious), I blocked him stubbornly. One of my strengths, after all.

Levi would then try to tickle the words out of me with leery kisses on my ear and neck and collarbone, but I didn’t give in.

“I don’t care much about my birthday, so tell me.” Levi would always say.

“But I care much about your birthday, so I won’t tell.” would always be my reply, a giggle following most of the time. Levi would splay a subtle pout across his face, which I found adorable.

Christmas Eve finally arrived, and Levi and I spent the morning together, being a bit more affective towards each other than usual; we set off for our parents in the afternoon, but exchanged our gifts for the other first. We knew that we were supposed to open them later, but both of us wanted to savour the other’s reaction. Both of us had agreed on not wanting any special Christmas presents.

“Here. I hope it meets your taste.” Levi handed me his gift over. It was wrapped neatly, but the present didn’t have solidity. Perhaps an article of clothing? 

I tore the wrapping paper open and unfolded the articles. One was a fuzzy, forest green shirt. It felt really soft and cozy under the pads of my fingers. The other one turned out to be a white pillowcase. Not a regular one, though.

_‘You are amazing’_  it said in big black letters.

I smiled to myself, beaming shamelessly. “These are so wonderful. Very lovely of you.”

“I’m glad you like them. Didn’t really know if you’d want them.” Levi spoke with pristine tenderness in his voice, smudged with a wave of uncertainty.

“I really do like it. A lot. I will always sleep with this shirt and that case draped over my pillow from now on.” I said, clutching the two items against my chest. I bent my head to look into Levi’s content eyes. “Now, open your present, love.”

Lightly perplexed at first, as though he’d forgotten about it, Levi ackowledged the Christmas present from me in his hands once more. “Oh, yeah. Right.” He opened it with lithe, delicate fingers.

The moment his eyes captured the contents, his face lit up preciously. He regarded the two bags of tea leaves first, each having a different flavor. An exquisite honey-black tea and rasperry-apple. I kind of figured out that Levi was a big fan of black tea, but was also open for other tastes. He seemed to take a liking in them, and that sight befell me with serendipity.

The second item was a tea-to-go cup made out of ceramic. The cup was decorated with italic letters that said ‘tea’ and different types of tea leaf icons. Levi huffed low breaths happily. I could only hear them because we were surrounded by silence, just the beating in my heart rushing up to my ears.

“Tea to go.” Levi said, amused, holding up the cup. “Very clever. I wonder why I didn’t buy something like this earlier.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Because of you not having done that, I had the opportunity to give you the cup.” I said, waving a hand half-heartedly. Levi took my sassiness with elation. “Okay, now the last gift.” I urged him impatiently, whipping up and down on the balls of my feet. My open palms were pressed together as I got more excited than Levi probably was.

He pulled it out from inside the wrapper and viewed it for a long second. He turned the thing in his hand, examining it from all sides. The item had a cuboid-like form, about the size of his own palm and one could open it on the front side, the lid maneuvering back on hinges.

“Is that… a reusable pack for cigarettes?”

“No. It’s a case for tea bags. Open it! See? There are already tea bags inside. Do you get it? A tea cup to go. A case for tea bags. Hm, hm?” I circled my hands suggestively on my sides, as if I were to weigh something in my palms.

“Makes sense. Thank you, Eren. I love it.” Levi leant in to my face.

“I love you too.” I said dreamily, kissing him in an instant. Levi’s lips formed an upcurve due to my lightly unfitting retort. We found ourselves kissing while laughing.

As he parted, he whispered over my lips, “See you tomorrow, okay?”

I nodded, eyelids fluttering as I licked my bottom lip and peered a zestful gaze at him. “Take care.”

“You too.” A last kiss to my forehead and we parted our ways.

“Thanks for the gifts!” I shouted as he climbed into his car.

He waved to me, carrying his present in his other hand. I wish my eyes could take photos because then I could awe this sight of Levi and his charming smile that was meant for me forever.

Not much later, I took off to reach my own family’s home.

The time I spent Christmas Eve with them was a pleasant one. We’d seen each other not so long ago, but during Christmas everything was different. I enjoyed the family dinner and plenty of talks, sharing news and experiences with everyone. As much as I would have really liked to tell them about Levi, I had to refrain. And I did.

There would come the right opportunity for my family to meet Levi in person.

Later in the evening, presents were exchanged. I got video games and horror movies from Mikasa (she knew I couldn’t handle horror sometimes, damn it) and all kinds of coupons from my parents. I expressed my gratitude with a big group hug.

Some time after I got a message. Levi sent me one:

_‘Christmas is going wild here Isabel and Farlan have prepared a whole fucking performance with games and stuff, there r even rabbits to pet here omg’_

He had attached a selfie that he took with a snow-white rabbit. He looked slightly annoyed, but overall entertained. The rabbit sat still in Levi’s arms, looking straight into the camera. Levi had given this pic the title  _‘Save me’_.

I had my back turned to my family, otherwise they could have witnessed me laughing heartily as I looked down to my phone. Somehow I could imagine very well how done Levi would behave while having small pets around him.

To give his mood a little uplift, I first wrote,

_‘how adorable. the rabbit too.’_

and then,

_‘Miss u. I’m wearing your shirt btw, so cozy’_

I got an instant reply:

_‘Very funny. but yeah I miss u too. also never take off that shirt again gotcha?’_

I chuckled louder this time.

If I could, I would never want to let go of you, my love.

Wearing the shirt Levi gave me, even if it was only a few hours ago that he did so, I could persuade myself into thinking that I was carrying a part of Levi with me.

It soothed my heart and sprinkled it with lively infatuation.

Taking for granted that it also made me miss Levi more, but I would see him in less than 24 hours again anyway.

I slept in my old room, even very comfortably, knowing that I was getting closer to the day that carried the greatest significance inside me. And I was now merely hours away from reuniting with Levi; because we had agreed on meeting up early in the morning, one of the reasons behind that being what I had planned for the rest of the day.

So when I woke up extremely early the next morning, I bid my parents (who were always up early) farewell and left Mikasa a note.

Once I was back home, I showered quickly and changed into new clothes, half an hour being left before Levi would arrive. I used every minute, every single second, to pace up and down in the living room, replaying my plans for today in my head. Over and over and over again, sometimes getting anxious and wondering whether I had considered everything, other times almost panicking when my mind had tricked me into thinking that I had forgotten about something.

Everything should go according to plan, nothing to get concerned about. There wasn’t much in regards of abudances planned. However, the thing I hadn’t failed at calling forth before my eyes would keep me nervously excited throughout the whole morning.

I found sweet salvation as soon as I heard the familiar sound of a key unlocking the door. I halted in my position, expecting him as I stood still in the middle of the room. Still, except for my wringing fingers.

Levi came eventually, entered the living room, and my face instantly lit up. Levi appeared to be glad of seeing me again as well.

We exchanged silent glances at first, a tender moment where gazes expressed a thousand words. Then Levi said with a warm smile, “They didn’t want me to leave.”

I snickered. “I understand them perfectly. I was the same yesterday when we parted.”

Wounding my arms around his neck, I granted him a brisk beam of my face and kissed him dearly. He kissed back, but let me ravish him softly.

When I drew back, I caressed a cheek of his, drinking in his pale but precious morning beauty after half a day of seperation.

With every second being close to him, I fell more in love.

“Happy birthday, Levi.”

As a response, he pressed his forehead against mine, breathed out a content sigh and pecked my lips one last time. “You’re right. It’s indeed a jolly birthday. Because you are here.”

I fought back a playfully snarky grin, semi-successful with that, and said decisively, “Oh no, Levi, dear. Don’t even think about it. Your birthday isn’t going to start and end now just because I’m here and expressed my best wishes to you. We still have a lot planned today.”

“Is that so? ‘We’?” He curled a brow.

“Yep. Here.” I handed him over a black cloth that I had had in the back pockets of my pants. He held it up with two fingers. “A sleeping mask. But you’ll use it to cover your eyes.”

Levi looked at me as if I was totally stupid.

I urged him by waving my hands to produce hurrying motions and said, “We’ll go somewhere by car.”

My words had almost brought Levi as far as to put the mask over his eyes, but he lowered it the second I mentioned a car. “By car? Whose car?”

“Your car.” I replied noncomittally, draping the mask over Levi’s eyes for him.

He seemed to stumble over words at first. “Wait, what? You don’t know how to drive my car. It’s an automatic.”

“I do.” I cooed as I gave him his winter coat and scarf.

“How?”

“I drove with it once.”

Levi stilled his movements ultimately; even when I couldn’t see his eyes, the tilt of his head to the side and the flabbergasted expression spreading round his mask spoke volumes. I could be glad that I was his boyfriend, else I would probably have to fear for my life here and now. “You drove my car?” Levi spurted with bewilderment. “When?”

“When it was a hot summer day and you walked to your meeting. You left your car keys home. And I wanted to try out your car so badly.”

“Oh my god.” Levi groaned, rubbing circles on his temples. I smirked wickedly, shamelessly proud of what I had mastered once without Levi’s knowledge or suspicions.

I guided him to the front door and outside. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. Everything is prepped. Now it’s only all about going there.”

“Where to?” Levi had quietened internally, but it was evident in his vocal manner that the issue with his car would be picked up in the future again. I didn’t need my own vehicle, Levi would drive me to places that were an annoyance to reach by bus. That didn’t mean I was uncapable of being  _his_  chauffeur for once.

“You’ll see soon. We have a few hours to drive.” I said as I opened the door to the passenger seat and Levi sat down.

I slipped inside, checked on Levi on my right side who was rather reluctantly buckling his belt.

“Need some help?” I offered kindly.

“Don’t look at me. I’m more worried about  _you_.”

I couldn’t take his concerns too seriously, to be honest. He was behaving as if I’d never driven a car before.

Smiling to myself, I turned the key in the ignition and the car emitted its usual noise of drive to life. I pulled out to the main street, expertly of course, and took the route that would lead us to our destination. I had it parched into my memories, to the point that I could recall every city and highway exit we’d have to pass or use on command.

“Can I take the mask off now?” Levi asked, as if the purpose of him having his eyes cloaked would end here and right immediately.

“No.” I said, naturally.

Literally half a minute later he asked the same question again.

“And how about now?”

“ _Of course not._ ” I huffed, finding Levi’s worry adorable rather than getting peeved about it. “You can take it off once we’re there.”

“How long is that going to take?” He went on like an overprotective mother.

I shrugged my shoulders and turned on the radio, but on low volume. “A few hours for sure.”

“Oh god.” Levi breathed out insecurely, holding his temples. “It’s snowed overnight. The streets are terribly slippery. Chances of getting into an accident are much,  _much_  highe—”

“Levi, we’ll be all right. I know how to drive on snowy ground.” I tried to soothe him. To no avail, of course.

“Let me drive. I want you to be safe.”

“No, you can’t.  _I_  am driving and nothing will change that. If I were to let you, you’d find out where we’re heading to. That’d ruin the surprise. You know what? The whole time I’m thinking about the surprise – and I am paying attention to the road –, but nothing and no one can take that excitement away from me. Hell, at this point I am more excited than you.”

“I am fine the way everything is.” Levi said earnestly. While I appreciated that, I was eager to see his reaction 5 hours after.

“I know that. Thanks, Levi. It makes me glad to know that you are. But, please, let me do this okay?” 

He contemplated, faced the window to his right side, even if he couldn’t see anything. “Fine.” A little stretch of silence. “Okay. Okay, fine. I will shut up now.”

“That’s not how I mea—”

“No, no, it’s good. You’re right. I shall anticipate your surprise.” Levi’s posture became visibly more loose. I loosened at that sight too.

“Love you.” The words, dripped with gratitude and affection, left my lips in a praising whisper.

Levi hummed, but some more time was needed until his apprehension would completely wear off.

Later he said, “Actually, this is okay. If we ever happen to get into a perilous accident, we’re getting into one together. If anything, we’ll die together. That’s kinda romantic.” Levi nodded to that,  _earnestly_ , feeling confident with his assertion.

I gave him an odd look. “Levi, that’s not romantic at all.”

“Shut up. I find that totally romantic. You can’t change my mind.” Levi’s snappy remark was supported by his blunt demeanour.

Despite all, I couldn’t not find love and amusement in this. “You’re unbelievable.” I was washed over by fondness.

“Thanks, I guess.” One of his fingers traced the window sill on his side of the car.

“I’ll make sure that we won’t die,” Before Levi could respond with anything to that, I briskly added, “and I will promise you that the time after the drive will be romantic nevertheless.”

Blithe amusement possessed Levi now as well. “That sounds good, Eren baby.”

My face bloomed with bright glee. There couldn’t have been a more phantastic turn of the atmosphere.

And, just as I had assumed and hoped for, the rest of the ride was spent in pleasant togetherness, haphazard conversations accompanied. It was midday when we finally reached our destination. The winter sun loomed high in the air, magnificient, tricking into thinking that the weather was less chilly than it really was. But even for a thing like cold temperatures, I had made preparations.

“We’re here.” I announced, turning off the car.

Levi’s head perked up from where it was laying on the head pillow. “Oh, really? I can’t sense any difference compared to how it was for me 3 hours ago.” he remarked sarcastically.

It might be true, that he was partially devoid of his sense of orientation after such a long ride in utter darkness. His eyes would likely need a couple of minutes to adjust to daylight.  _Forgive me, Levi, it was necessary._

“I’ll help you out.” I was the first one to climb outside, slamming my door close and jogging round the front end of the car.

“Can I now take the mask off?” Levi asked as soon as he stepped out of the car, stretching his back and arms.

“Not yet.”

“What the hell?”

“Just a few more minutes.” I said hurriedly, taking Levi’s face in my hands and thumbing his cheeks calmly. Levi grunted deep in his throat.

The moment he started to concentrate on the surrounding noises that flooded his ears, his attention faltered to that one of wondrousness. “Are those waves?”

I didn’t answer him right away, took two bags out of the car, thrilling anticipation for Levi’s upcoming reaction making every fiber of mine jittery.

I observed how Levi would blindly turn his head to all directions, like a lost child in the swaying darkness. However, he most likely couldn’t process yet what he was hearing. As if it was unbelievable. He stilled his movements and listened attentively.

“Eren, is this— did you… Wha—”

At that, I got the urge to smooch his entire face. He was acting so cute and lost.

“Is that the ocean?” he questioned, breathing out with awe, although he didn’t see it yet.

I hooked my arm under his and guided him forward, smiling close to his ear.

“What if it is?” I tried, leaning my head on his shoulder, the bags in my other hand.

“I can’t believe it. We take a trip to the ocean during  _winter_.” Levi didn’t sound pissed, it was rather a lack of understanding the reasons behind my motive. “Why?”

I made Levi stop in his tracks; we had reached the place where I wanted him to overview the ocean from. A light stroke of my hand trailed down his arm as I confessed, “Because you said you’ve never seen the ocean before.”

Levi didn’t utter a word right away, having returned to his placid nature. “You didn’t have to do this for me.” His tone was earnest, but candidness laced like strings through his voice. His infamous brusqueness was melting, even though we were surrounded by the December air.

“But I wanted to do it.” I said, and watched his face.

I had wanted to do this and I was incredibly glad that I could do it.

It was now that I recalled the most significant part of my conversation with Armin back when we met at the café last time.

_I was copiously anxious about what I was going to say and staring at Armin didn’t help reducing my stress. “I—I don’t know how to start and I will accept it if you happen to disapprove of it, okay.”_

_“Eren, just tell me already.” Armin’s expression hadn’t altered to the slightest, the natural and unadulterated tug upwards of his lips assuring me ‘not to worry’. This didn’t aid me either._

_At this point, no one and nothing could alleviate my anxiety._

_And I had to spit it out, else nothing would have been cleared that was of high importance to me._

_“I want to go and see the ocean with Levi.” I pressed out with every courage I’ve got. “He’s never seen the ocean before, so I—”_

_A slam on our table vibrated under my arms and when I looked up, I instantly looked down again, for I had been able to catch a glimpse of Armin rising to his feet abruptly, leaning forward, face cladded with dismay. “What?!” he howled, sternly serious._

_Oh god, I had expected this. A part of me had been sure that there would be a chance of Armin reacting more softly. But the more rational part of me had always stuck to the belief that Armin would burst as vigorously as right now. In the end, it was more logical that I shouldn’t have mentioned this. After all it had been Armin and I’s first and unique and most gorgeous experience of seeing the ocean together._

_“I’m sorry, Armin. It was insensitive of me to mention this in front of you.” So what if someone else hadn’t seen the ocean before just like us when we used to be kids? There was no doubt anymore that it had been a ludicrous idea to start with this in the first place._

_“Levi has never seen the ocean before?” The volume of Armin’s voice climbed up and I prayed for as few people as possible looking at us. I didn’t have the balls to check my surroundings._

_“Well, yeah, no, he hasn’t. There were certain events that—well, prevented him from going to the ocean. And,” Subconsciously, my teeth sunk down on my bottom lip and the grip around my glass caused it to quiver. My knuckles resembled the colour of the whipped cream on top of my milkshake. Hoping that I could lift the fraught mood, I clarified promptly, “I had in no way intended to drag the value of our experience with the ocean through shit! It still holds a precious meaning in my heart.”_

_“Eren, look me in the eyes.” Oh god, there it was. I was screwed. So utterly and ruthlessy screwed. I did as told, hesitantly of course. Armin was sat on his seat again, gaping hollowly into my eyes. His irises were slightly blown, the bright blue colour a shade darker._

_Please forgive me, dear best friend._

_“Yeah?” I said to animate him to go on, despite of clearly not fancying what would come next, since it would be all but pleasant._

_“Whatever you are thinking right now, I think you’ve got it wrong. I most likely sent wrong signals with my behaviour and I apologize for that.”_

_I stunned, blinking several times._

_Armin leant forward, openly cheerful. “Eren. Whatever your possible other ideas were, drop them. Go and see the ocean with Levi! What is there still to consider?”_

_“What?” I said, perplex. “You want me to do that?”_

_Armin nodded eagerly, lips pressed to a thin line that wanted to curve up._

_“Really? And you’re totally fine with it? I mean, the ocean, it was_ our _thing.”_

_“Oh, Eren, come on.” He waved a hand condescendingly, head tossed to the side as he now laughed out loud once, merrily. “I know that. I know that it’s_ our _thing. And it still is, I hold the experience, that we had when we first saw the ocean, dearly in my heart.” He folded his hands on top of his chest. “But do you think this is why I’d forbid you to make the same experience with someone who hasn’t seen the ocean before? Did you really think I’d start condemning you if you did this with Levi?”_

_“Well, uh, yeah. To be honest, yeah. I was thinking exactly that. I didn’t want to cause a split in our friendship. The thing is— I didn’t know how you’d react to it. I had two scenarios bubbling in my head and they were of polar opposites.” I wetted my dry lips and swept a glance at him once, averted it downwards, but didn’t feel inwardly as threatened as before, so I took a deep breath and sat up straight and with reclaimed confidence. After all, my biggest fear had just been shattered._

_“Eren, listen.” Armin grabbed my hands, holding them up, almost at the same height of his glistening eyes. “No one can take this experience away from us.”_

_I squeezed my hands in his. And glowered a smile at him. “Thank you, Armin.”_

_He responded with the same radiance of his face. “Good. Now that this is settled.” He took a calm sip, but shot his eyes open, as he set his cup down. “I can’t believe it, though. Levi had never seen the ocean before! That’s unacceptable! Blasphemic—”_

_“Armin, please.”_

_He pointed a reprimanding finger at me. “Levi better don’t talk to me until he’s seen the ocean.”_

_I laughed, aware of him being more serious than telling a joke with this, but in the end he meant no harm, and I was thankful for the much more good outcome._

So now that I was finally here, Levi with me – the closest to me and my heart and my devotion to him—, I let myself get engulfed by the sensation of the adoration that prickled right under my skin. The buzzes made me shiver.

“You ready?” My hoarse voice croaked out, a good-natured lump swelling in my throat.

“Apart from the fact that we’re by the sea in December and that this is not Australia, I’m fine.” Levi quipped sneeringly.

Mostly unmoved, I continued executing every meticulously chosen step in my plan. “We’re not standing on sand, yet. It’s a small heap. Like this, you can see the expansion of the ocean the best. Here you go.” I took the sleeping mask off his eyes.

Levi squinted and blinked to adjust to the light and when his eyes absorbed the picture of the big blue and long beige, he gaped. Still like a rock near the hitting waves he too was overwhelming “washed away” by the waves, but from far away. No syllable slipped through his lips, but his fascination tangled in the air. Not even someone like Levi could stay indifferent to something that had a size which was immeasurable and yet so captivating. An abudance of water could act like a vivid beauty.

“It’s so big.” Levi aspirated airily. He followed the waves to the left and right, the blue paling and vanishing the wider he looked. “There is no end. The horizon.”

I leant my head on his shoulder, circling my arms around his right one. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Just looking at it makes me feel at ease.”

“Yeah. It has the most calmful effect when there are no people at the beach.”

“The rhythmic sound of the waves isn’t tedious.”

“Lullaby to our ears.”

“Thank you, Eren. Really. Thank you so much.”

I turned to him and was met with mirth reflecting in his grey hues. I said, “I’m so happy to know that you like it.”

“I think with the mindset I used to have when I was younger, I wouldn’t have cherished this sight remotely as much as I’m doing right now. And I have the luck to do it with you.” He closed his eyes and slowly bumped his forehead on mine. “You’re so stubborn and determined and admirable. I can’t do else than to love that side about you.”

“You can only have nothing or all of me.” I giggled, pecking Levi’s lips, but without breaking the contact to his forehead.

“All of you.” was Levi’s answer with that sensual voice of his.

He captured my lips fervently then, cupping my face to tilt it to his favour. His grip on my cheeks was rough, demanding, and he lapped his tongue into my mouth, had a taste of every wet inch that I could offer.

I didn’t hold back either, moaned lecherously into his mouth, against his teeth, licked the length of his tongue. Boosted by my lowly boiling cravings, I jumped up at Levi’s body, legs tightly hooked by the ankles around his waist to secure my hold. Levi placed one hand under my buttock for leverage, the other caressing the back of my neck and my hair line.

I frotted against him and somehow we landed on top of the engine hood, me at the bottom. I thanked the spirits for the car not having cooled off after such a long ride and Levi must have noticed it and felt gratitude for it too as he slammed a flat palm on it. We kissed more furiously, an aggressive undertone of want gnawing at our patience. My rubbings against his body were wild and unstoppable.

“Levi… Oh my god, Levi—” I moaned, lips swollen and throbbing for more.

_Let’s get inside the car and fuck!_

“Eren. As much as I’d like to devour you here and now, “  _Oh god, please,_  “I won’t.”  _Why?_

He wasn’t lying on top of me anymore, instead hovering above, both arms stretched. I was breathing heavily and looking at him through a small white cloud of my crystallised breath.

“This wasn’t part of your plan, was it?” He cocked a thin brow, smugly ogling me.

“So what? I like this change of my plans!”

Levi combed all hair away from my face and gave me one last ardent kiss. “Sweet, but no.”

“Naw, Levi.” I nagged, pouting.

He held my chin, lightly lifting my head to the left and right a few times as he cooed, “Later, maybe. Okay?”

Oh, trust me, we will. Even if it meant to seduce you with all I’ve got. “I have a cottage rented by the sea for two days. We will continue later for sure.” I smirked. Levi smirked back.

“Now stand up, you’ll freeze off your back soon.” He straightened my jacket and my scarf, but stilled for a moment while readjusting the latter. I eyed him with faint undefined suspicion, but didn’t utter a word. He helped me up onto my feet, but I noticed him staring at my scarf even now.

I lowered my gaze to my plain cobalt-blue clothing, but didn’t spot anything odd. Yet I grabbed it sharply. “Is something wrong with my scarf?” I inquired in a higher tone, head whipped to the side.

Levi snapped back to the here and now, blinking. “Huh? Oh, no. Not at all. It looks good.”

“Levi, are you all right?”

“Sure.” He nodded repeatedly, expression vacant. He sensed my wariness and added with a raise of his hand, “I just remembered something.”

“Oh. Okay. Well then,” I neared him and grabbed his hand, weaving our fingers together. “Let’s get our stuff that I had abandoned there where we kissed priorily. Then we’re gonna head to the beach.”

Levi approved of the idea by tightening his hold on my hand, a kiss to my cheek. A dozen minutes later, a leisured walk behind us, I brought us to a nicely chosen spot on the nearly infinite sand that was kissing the infinite ocean. The chilly air blared past our faces, granting our hair an untamed life.

“Okay, so,” I started, jutting my finger towards the spot, “The sand is really – really! – cold at a time like this.”

“Oh, really? I couldn’t have guessed.” The amused sarcasm bloomed in Levi’s voice.

“Yeah, well. Anyway, I think we should use three – maybe even four – layers of blankets to sit down on them  sand. Don’t worry. I’ve brought that many covers.” I placed the two bags down, pulling them out. One time I gazed at the waves and the sun that was cradling gleamingly in the afternoon sky. I stood up once I was done and motioned with my hand for Levi to sit down with me.

“Wait, Eren.” He stopped me from lowering myself to the blankets midway, gently straightened me back onto my feet. “I want to tell you something first. I feel the need that I have to.”

I gave him a crooked, wary smile. “Can’t we do that when we’ve settled on the blankets? No need to freeze while we’re standing. Look, I have blankets to wrap round our bodies too.”

“Yeah, well, no. Just—let me do it this way please, okay?”

I shrugged impassively. “Fine.”

Levi breathed in noticeably. “For that… Well, um, Eren,” He had his eyes averted, brows knitting to a frown. “Can you give me the key you’re wearing?”

I gasped inwardly, my hand automatically wandering up to the key necklace. Protectively. Anxiously. Desperately.

So that was what Levi had been staring at just now? Not my scarf but the key that was hidden beneath?

That key… Levi had given me the key when we’d visited his family for the first time. In his old room. The room where we’d had one of your wildest sex sessions. Where everything in my head was turned upside down. Where a few claimed words of Levi’s had caused me to change my mind about us.

I had given it back to him, madly, when I cut off the fuck buddy ties with him. He had looped it back around my neck when we met at his siblings’ party.

I had used that key to prove to him that he could trust and open up to me.

That key was  _everything_  to me. 

So, as an answer, I shook my head frantically as a forerunner of panic sizzled its way through my spine, making my fisted hand enclosing the key tremble.

Scrutinising his face, I saw it in his facial expression that he was wondering about my demeanour.

I croaked out with a nasty knot in my throat, “Y-You gave it to me. You gave me that key. You said I can have it. Why do you want it back?” Tremendously anxious about Levi’s motives, I momentarily encapsulated myself into my own little void, ears cheeping to isolate voices. I wasn’t ready to hear it. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it.  _What did I do wrong?_

“Eren. Hey, Eren.” Levi’s calling was like a fog clouding my invisible protection. “I think you’ve got it wrong.” The fog gradually dissipated. My head, which I had pressed into my scarf as my body had curled forward, rose and I found Levi eyeing me with worry painted on him.

“What?” I whispered weakly.

“I don’t mean to bring that key back to my possession. It is yours, and that will never change. I was just asking whether you could give it to me for a moment?”

“Oh.” I unclasped my hand and to sight came the golden key which colour gained intensity in the prominent golden sun. I spoke slowly, “I see. O-Of course you can.” I handed him over the necklace.

“It really means something to you, doesn’t it?” Levi asked when our hands met.

“It does.” I gulped down the devil in my throat.

“To be honest, this key does have a meaning. I thought it was about time to tell you about it.” Levi’s fingers turned the item in his palm a few times as he pondered on something—most likely recalling the meaning of the key.

My inner state gradually changed. Hands coming together, ten fingers twisting keenly, I lifted them to my chest as my face lit up.

I pressed my lips to a thin line to prevent from grinning like an idiot.  _Don’t ruin the moment. Keep your mouth closed and let Levi utter the words._

“However, I think I need to confess something else first. Yeah, okay, it does have to do with the key. But I think you won’t like what I have to say. I hope you won’t get too mad about it.” I could tell and sense that Levi was concerned.

“Don’t worry. I won’t get mad.” I asserted, waving a hand.

“You can’t know that. It isn’t a pleasant thing.”

“I’ll be fine. What can be so bad about the key anyway.” I huffed carelessly.

“You still remember when I first attached that key to your neck?” Levi began cautiously.

“Yeah. After the fucking in your old room.” I blurted out.

“The thing is that the meaning of this key starts with ‘Give this key to someone who deserves it.’”

No doubt, with this, Levi had pulled more excitement out of me. The meaning started off nicely, I did feel kind of flattered already.

Levi continued. “For the longest time I have ignored the meaning of it. The words that the person, who gave it to me, had said to me. I had robbed it of its meaning. Never gave it the attention it deserved.”

I listened attentively, not a single spark of hope for a good ending – there has to be one! – derailing in my head.

“When I took it out of my drawer, it was coincidence. I had actually searched for a lighter. So as I was regarding it, I had only thought about the part of its meaning that I mentioned just now. 'Give this key to someone who deserves it.’ Well, I did. But not in the way you’re probably hoping for.”

Since I was dulled by the conviction of getting something pleasant out of this preamble that I had planted into my mind myself, I didn’t notice the tiny droplets of possible harsh reality raining down on me. I remained stiff and patient and enthusiastic.

“Okay, Eren, listen. The way I see the key, and you, and you together with that key has changed. Nevertheless, I feel obliged to tell you everything about my intentions with the thing. Back then when I gave you the key… I solely did that because you gave me awesome sex shortly before.”

For the longest moment, I had felt like turning into stone. My faint grin frozen and my eye muscles glued in place. The chilly breeze was the only impact that kept my hair in motion, everything else was deadly silent.

“Eren?” The worry had spread thoroughly on Levi’s face.

I didn’t say anything, tongue paralysed.

“Eren, say something? Please?”

If I could, I would have at least get rid of that stupid smile on my lips.

“Ere—”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I finally spat out, the words coming out in a depleted roar. “ _That_  was the reason?! Are you for real?!”

“Hey, Eren, I—”

The disappointment that overweighed my rage inclined me not to stop. “Seriously?! You thought I deserve that key  _because I was good in bed_??!” I threw my arms to the sides, a step forward.

“Don’t forget, I told you I am not thinking like this anymore.” Levi tried soothingly, though understood that I wouldn’t calm down so quickly.

I put two fingers on each side of my temples, rubbing them like crazy. “I can’t believe that I was wearing a  _trophy_  the whole fucking time!”

“I’m sorry. It was incredibly rude and low of me. I shouldn’t have done something this ungrateful. But you know that I didn’t care much about anyone’s feelings at that time.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I covered my eyes, groaning in despair. I dropped to my knees. “This sucks. I don’t know whether to cry or to rage more.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I should have known it.  _At least_  I should have known that you would think about the key differently, even if I didn’t know in what way.”

“But keep in mind that I’m not done yet with what I wanted to let you know. There’s, uh, nicer stuff left.” Levi held my shoulders between his hands.

I looked up at him with big eyes but a sad downcurve of my mouth. Levi had done well crushing my hopes. But I shouldn’t give them up, I guessed.

He heaved me up by my armpits and I complied reluctantly, sulking. “This is primarily why I wanted to talk to you when I saw the key. I finally wanted to reveal its meaning to you—its  _true_  meaning. From now on, I would like to see you wearing it with pride.”

The disappointment crumbled and I encountered light in the gloomy darkness.

“Eren.” Levi began once more, this time holding up the key towards me dignifiedly. “As I was handed the necklace over, I was told 'Give this key to someone who deserves it. Someone who you trust. Someone who is the  _key_  to your happiness.’”

A few words, and his genuine voice that blessed my soul like balsam. Touching the most personal part of me with silky fingers. Embracing it with naked love.

Just as he broke my hopes for a moment, only Levi could rebuild them. Faithfully. Devotedly.

Wetness burning in my eyes, I restored my smile. Words couldn’t express the relief and happiness I was embraced with.

“All of this may sound cheesy, perhaps too cheesy even to you,”  _It doesn’t. I love its meaning._  Levi positioned himself right before me, the necklace swaying in his fingers approaching my neck. “But I want to give you this key, knowing what meaning it harbours. I want you to wear it because you deserve it. Because I trust you. Because you are the key to my life.”

I could barely contain myself, barely keep myself from bursting out gleeful tears. Wanting to wind my arms around his back and have him safe and tight against my body, his heart synching with mine and both becoming one that belonged to each other.

Levi’s nimble fingers on my skin seared electrifying chills into my skin and my breathing came in ragged puffs as his hands withdrew. It was true that his touches had always given me thrilling desires. Yielding to long for more of him.

“You unlocked feelings in me that no one has been able to do to me before you.” Levi whispered against my lips.

“I love you.”

I have noticed over the course of time that – while he had no problems anymore saying it – Levi would often saved the three words for special occasions and rather express himself through actions.

He kissed me tenderly, nibbling my lips. Unlike previously, his kiss kept my yearnings tame. We smiled at each other and embraced each other and revelled in each other’s presence; the ocean a witness.

Half an hour we had spent on the layers, cuddling and kissing and taking bites of the birthday cake I had made for Levi (he ate it with delight hums on his lips); and for another hour we were strolling down a path near the waves.

We were holding hands, swaying them lightly, and in my other hand I was carrying a self-made cupcake that I shared with Levi (here meaning that I would shove a part into his mouth).

“The water is hella cold. Don’t let some get inside your boots.” Levi reminded me.

“It weal be fuaine.” I mumbled, mouth filled to the brim, chewing bit by bit.

The waves would almost reach our feet. As we ambled forward for a while longer, mostly in silence, there came a sudden wave that had reached bigger heights than any others and actually splashed my pants a bit.

“Woah, cold!” I exclaimed and climbed up Levi’s back. I didn’t show any signs of getting down again and merely scowled at the retreating fins of the sea.

“What is that supposed to mean now? I can get wet as long as you don’t?” Levi was hinting at my claimed occupation on his back.

“You won’t get wet. You can be more attentive than me. It’s okay. Here have another bite.” While I didn’t conceal my obvious attempts of changing the topic, I went with it and thrust my cupcake to his lips. He got a taint of frosting on the corner of his mouth.

Levi grumbled. I cackled and kissed the glaze away.

“Who gave you the key, Levi?” I said after a while.

Levi stayed silent at first. “The one who gave it to me didn’t tell me who gave it to them. So I won’t tell you either.”

While I had a faint guess as to who it could have been, I respected his decision. I huffed a smile onto his neck.

“The ocean is so big.” Levi elaborated a few minutes later, extending a hand towards the open sea as if he was trying to touch the water from this distance. The sun was already setting, throwing shades of orange and red onto the water surface. The colours flashed up like mosaics. “And pretty.”

I nuzzled my face into his hair, then his shoulders. “I’m convinced that admiring nature once in a while will replenish our souls with new energy.”

“You’ve spoiled me many times today, Eren. Thank you for this wonderful birthday.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

I closed my eyes and listened to the waves.

_Happy birthday, Levi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My personal fave scene was Eren's reaction when Levi told him why he gave him that key in the past XD
> 
> I hope you all liked this chapter :') Comments are appreciated! ^~^


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